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To Beer Or Not To Beer By Christopher Connell Taylor

Family Guy Spec

www.christopherconnelltaylor.com conntaylor@live.com


FADE IN: INT. KITCHEN - MORNING Chris, Meg, and Stewie at the table. Lois cooking. STEWIE Say mother, I’ve been sitting here for what seems to be a damn fortnight, and the pancakes have yet to appear on my plate. LOIS Patience, Stewie. Breakfast is coming. STEWIE Very well, if I am to suffer one bloody hemorrhoid you will be first to experience impetuous doom by the SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION DEVICE! Lois serves WAFFLES. STEWIE What the hell is this...? LOIS Eat your breakfast, Stewie. Stewie knocks his plate off the table: SHATTER! STEWIE Damn you, woman! Only one kind of fried cake enters this mouth and that’s BLOODY PANCAKES! Peter strolls through the kitchen with a KEG. LOIS Peter, what are you doing? PETER Camping, Lois. LOIS Camping? Peter, you never told me you were camping this weekend? PETER Lois, there’s lots of things I never tell you... like that time I lost my ring.


2. FLASHBACK: INT. BATHROOM Brian hangs over the sink with a straightened wire hanger, maneuvering it down the drain. Peter under the sink. PETER Oh God, Brian, can you get it? Brian gives up and pulls up the hanger. BRIAN I can’t Peter, it’s too far. I don’t think you’ll get it back. PETER Damnit, I’ll never forgive myself for this. Wait, wait I... I think I got it. Peter comes up with an ONION RING! PETER That was a close one. Peter tosses it in his mouth. The soggy thing doesn’t even crunch. INT. KITCHEN - DAY Lois giving Peter "the look." LOIS Exactly where are you camping this weekend? Peter, you know I made plans to visit my parents this weekend. You’re supposed to watch the children. PETER Relax Lois, I’m camping in the back yard. LOIS What’s the beer for? PETER Lois, camping isn’t camping unless everyone is drunk all the time. And as an American taxpayer it is my God given right to walk out of here without explaining anything. Peter leaves. (CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

3.

LOIS I swear that man can never give me a clear answer. BRIAN Ha, yeah. I bet that’s what cost him the Miss Teen USA Pageant. FLASHBACK: MISS TEEN USA PAGEANT Peter onstage wearing a blue, formal evening gown. A South Carolina sash around his shoulder. HOSTESS (O.S.) Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is? PETER I, personally, believe that US Americans, such as Miley Cyrus and Bugs Bunny, are unable to attain enlightenment because they lack certain God fearing qualities that make businesses such as McDonald’s and Starbucks equally competitive in the final minutes of the NBA Finals giving our students in Iraq the (ding) nuclear arms they need to blow up America. EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT Quagmire, Joe, Cleveland and Peter. Quagmire holds a beer bong. QUAGMIRE Hey, Peter. You want to take a hit off this beer bong I had sex with last night. PETER Did you wash it? QUAGMIRE Nope.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

4.

PETER Great! Fill it up. Peter kneels. PETER Good thing I ate all that pizza Cuz last time I did this on a empty stomach and I felt like crap. Peter puts the tube in his mouth. Quagmire fills the funnel with beer. Peter immediately upchucks everywhere: twice. PETER Ah, much better. Lois comes into frame. LOIS Peter, I’m going to let you have your little slumber party on one condition, promise me you won’t buy more beer. PETER Lois, as God as my witness, I promise not to buy more beer; and, as an act of good faith, I will give you my wallet. Peter hands it over. LOIS Good, and remember, keep an eye on the children. Lois stomps off. Passes Brian. LOIS Brian, look out for Peter. BRIAN Great, I hope this goes better than last time I babysat Peter. FLASHBACK: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Brian watches TV. Peter enters inconspicuously. He waves someone in. Through the door comes LANCE BASS.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

5.

BRIAN Not in the house, Peter. Close on Lance Bass. LANCE Damn. EXT. BACKYARD - DAWN Joe, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Peter around a campfire, passed out in sleeping bags. Peter wakes up in a cold drunken stupor. He picks up a beer: empty. PETER Ah! Joe wakes up. JOE Peter, is everything Ok? PETER Must have more beer. JOE Well, you should have thought of that before you gave Lois your wallet. Peter doesn’t respond. He totters off in a drunken sway. EXT. BACKYARD - LATER Everyone still asleep. Peter saunters back with a twenty-four pack of beer. He barely reaches the campfire and passes out. DAWN BREAKS AWAY TO DAY Peter wakes up. He rubs his eyes, blurs become the beer. PETER Sweet! He cracks open a cold one. Everyone wakes up.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

6. QUAGMIRE Yay! More beer! JOE Peter, where’d you get money for that? PETER I don’t know. I must have sold something.

INT. HERBERT’S BASEMENT Chris dangling with his hands tied up to ceiling. Herbert right behind him in dominatrix, holding a whip. HERBERT Say Chris, would you like to meet Mr. Peeples? CHRIS Who’s Mr. Peeples? HERBERT He’s old an friend of mine and he’ll only come out if you scream. CHRIS Uh, gee Herbert, I don’t know if I want to meet Mr. -Herbert flogs him. CHRIS AHHHHHH! EXT. BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS Brian strolls up to Peter. BRIAN Peter, have you seen Chris around? PETER Nope. Brian notices the beer. BRIAN Peter, where’d you get money for beer? Didn’t Lois take your wallet?

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

7.

PETER Sold something. BRIAN Like what? PETER Wait... it’s coming back to me. Something from Chris’s room that’s really dumb and fat--with a baseball cap--Oh my God, I sold Chris! INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Peter on the couch, glum. Brian pacing. PETER What am I going to do? Lois is gonna kill me. BRIAN Relax Peter, she won’t kill you, she’ll divorce you. PETER Great, then what will I do? Pick up girls at the bar? FLASHBACK: INT. DRUNKEN CLAM Peter sits at the bar next to a hot chick who flirts with her eyes. HOT CHICK Hey there big boy, I’m getting kinda thirsty--could use a HARD, STIFF drink. PETER Oh, geez ma’am, I’m sorry about this. (to Horris) Hey, Horris! Lady wants a drink! (to hot chick, whisper) Between you and me service around here kinda sucks.


8.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Back to Peter and Brian. BRIAN Do you have any idea who you sold Chris to? Peter is spacing out. Brian smacks -BRIAN Peter! PETER Huh, what? BRIAN Who did you sell Chris too? PETER Sell Chris who...? Where am I? Brian grunts in angst. BRIAN There’s only one way to solve this. Brian sniffs Peter. He follows a sent leading to -EXT. FRONT YARD - DAY Peter behind Brian as he tracks a scent. BRIAN Hey... Hey, I think I got something. Smells like... Jergins... and... tapioca pudding and.... Poligrip...? Herbert! An unmarked vehicle swerves up to the Griffin’s house. Chris rolls out the back door, gagged and bonded. INT. CHRIS’ ROOM - DAY Brian and Peter at Chris’ bedside. Chris mutters to himself while in a quasi-unconscious state. CHRIS Please, no more popsicles Mr. Herbert.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

9.

PETER (sigh) This would have never happened if I wasn’t a drunk. From this day on, Peter Griffin will live a life of sobriety. BRIAN (sarcastic) That’s wonderful, Peter. Hope it goes better than the last time you quit drinking. FLASHBACK: EXT./INT. BATHROOM Brian holds a glass of wine. He saunters by the bathroom door. Stops. Peter next to the toilet, passed out. Green fluid oozes down his cheeks. Next to him an empty bottle of Listerine. Brian takes a sip of his wine and continues on. EXT. JOE’S BACKYARD - EVENING Joe grills burgers. Bonnie comes out and tosses him a six-pack. JOE Thanks, Babe. Bonnie exits frame. Suddenly -MAN VOICE Dad. KEVIN appears like a ghost from the past. JOE Kevin... I thought you died in Iraq. KEVIN No, Dad! I made it out alive. It’s the most amazing story. I was held captive and tortured for months and -Bang! Joe shoots Kevin.


10.

ON QUAGMIRE, CLEVELAND, AND PETER. Joe wheels into frame. JOE Hey boys, how ’bout a brewski? Cleveland and Quagmire take one. JOE Peter? PETER No, thank you. Boy’s, I have an announcement to make: Peter drunk is dead. Meet Peter sober. Awkward silence. JOE Uh, alright. So... would you like some juice? PETER Apple would be nice. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Peter, Brian, Stewie, Meg and Chris on the couch watching tube. Lois enters with luggage and a bag. LOIS Hey, I’m back, and I got gifts for the whole family. Stewie -She hands him a small gift-wrapped package. STEWIE Thanks, but honestly, anything could be better than what Brian got me for my birthday. FLASHBACK: INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT. A large cake sits on table. Through the door enter Stewie and Brian. Brian holds his paws over Stewie’s eyes.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

11.

STEWIE Oh, what is it, Brian? I can’t take the suspense. BRIAN OK, OK. Now! He uncovers Stewie’s eyes. BLONDE FEMALE STRIPPER explodes out cake. BLONDE STRIPPER Happy Birthday, Stewie! Stewie cringes like he just saw Jocelyn Wildenstein. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Stewie opens the package -STEWIE Bubble gum cigarettes? Wow, Mother. What a great way to get me started on a life-long habit that may eventually kill me. Lois hands a gift to Brian. Brian rips it open -BRIAN The Twilight Saga Collection.... Uh, thanks Lois. This is... this is nice. Next up, Meg. LOIS (nervous) And for my daughter, Meg... I got this... She reaches in her purse. Pulls out lipstick. Meg takes it. Opens the top -MEG Mom, someone used this... A round gift for Chris -LOIS Chris, here’s a can of cheese.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

12. CHRIS Yay, cheese! (bites can) Owe... my tooth hurts.

Lois moves on to Peter. LOIS Peter, this is for doing such a wonderful job watching the children. Lois gives Peter a 5th of Vodka. BRIAN Lois, I don’t know if that’s what Peter wants. We move so Peter is out of frame. We track Brian and Lois. BRIAN Because, uh, he kinda made a resolution... Well, I’ll let him tell you. They glance over to Peter who is passed out, holding the empty bottle. INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT Lois cooking. Everyone at the table except Peter. LOIS Brian, did anything happen while I was away? I have this feeling. BRIAN (nervous) Yeah. Uh, Yankees lost... Haha. Which is a shame because-LOIS --Brian, is there something you’re hiding from me. BRIAN Hiding? No, everything went great. Peter did an excellent job taking care -Lois saunters over to Brian and bends over so her cleavage is showing.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

13.

LOIS Are you sure, Brian? BRIAN Peter got drunk and sold Chris. LOIS WHAT! Peter totters into the kitchen, dazed and hung over. He takes a seat. PETER (sigh) The last time my head hurt this bad was when I watched an episode of "Fraiser." FLASHBACK: INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Peter and Brian watch Frasier. FRASIER (V.O.) Niles, in my opinion, you’re psychiatry claims are nothing but Floccinaucinihilipilification. NILES (V.O.) Again, Frasier, you leave me nonplussed by your degradations. Studio audience LAUGH. Brian bearing a smile. Peter stupefied. PETER ... What? INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT Lois approaches Peter with her arms folded. LOIS Peter, did you sell Chris? PETER Lois, many respectable people have sold their kids. INSERT: Photo of BILLY RAY CYRUS.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

14.

LOIS Peter, that’s no excuse. If it wasn’t for your drinking problem none of this would have happened. Well, you’ve had your last chance Peter Griffin. Either sober up or find a new family. Lois stampers off. PETER (to Brian) Man, she’s pissed. I don’t think I’ve seen her that upset. (sigh) Maybe I should meet up with the guys at The Drunken Clam, get my mind off all this. BRIAN I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do, Peter. Have you thought about confronting your problem? PETER How? BRIAN Well, why don’t you go to an AA meeting? INT. AA MEETING ROOM Peter enters, finds a seat among fellow AA goers. INSTRUCTOR My speaker didn’t show up tonight. Is there anyone who would like to speak? A scuffle in the corner of room between JESUS and GOD. Jesus grabs at a beer in God’s hands. JESUS Give it to me, Dad. GOD No.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

15.

JESUS Give it to me. GOD Not until you go up there and tell them what you just told me. JESUS (sigh) God damnit. Jesus marches to the front of classroom. JESUS Uh, some of you probably know me as Messiah. CROWD Hi, Messiah! JESUS And... some of you probably know me as The Word. CROWD Hi, Word. GUY IN CROWD Don’t forget about Redeemer. JESUS My real name is Jesus. CROWD Hi, Jesus. JESUS And uh, I am not an alcoholic. OK, I uh, actually received my one year chip about a year ago. (applause) About a week after that, I left it in the bottom of a shot glass, in a bar across the street from a theater where I watched the three o’clock showing of "Brokeback Mountain." See, I’m the Savior of Mankind and I was there... that day. I’ve seen some shit on the job. But uh, that day I saw some shit that I... never expected to see. So I drank more than I usually did and uh, anyways my dad... (CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

16.

(points to God) ...told me about this. I started going to these meetings and I gotta be honest, I thought I would get something out of it, like an epiphany... Instead, what I got was a bunch of whining assholes. You people wanna bitch about somethin’, try lookin’ at two dudes in a tent, humpin’ each other on a 30 foot screen... (to Peter who looks disgusted) ...Hey, hey don’t look at me that way. Tell you what, the next time you’re stuck in a theater watching a gay movie, you better pray someone like me, someone with balls, saves your ass. And if I do, if I happen to save your ass, or your ass, you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to go home and pour myself a nice tall glass of Vodka. (crowd speechless) You guys got nothing for me? That’s what I got for you. That’s my little message. I’m going to spend the rest of my time on this planet drinking and liking it. My suggestion to you, try doing the same. (as Jesus leaves) Bottoms up, folks. Awkward silence. Peter jumps off his seat with one arm in the air. PETER Yeah! INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Lois on the sofa reading a book. Peter strolls in. LOIS Hey, Sweetie. How was your AA meeting? We stay on Brian as Peter cruises into the kitchen.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

17.

PETER Good. I learned a lot of good things. LOIS Like what? Peter comes back with a beer. BRIAN You’re drinking? PETER Yup. LOIS Well that’s it, Peter. If you can’t kick the habit, I’m moving in with my parents... Lois stampers off. LOIS ...And I’m taking the children with me. EXT. SOFTBALL GAME - BLEACHERS - DAY Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland in the bleachers. Peter strolls in, depressed. He takes a seat. CLEVELAND Peter, I must say, you look like you could use a cold one. Cleveland grabs a beer from a cooler. PETER No thanks, Cleveland. Lois left me because I’m a drunk. JOE I’m sorry to hear that, Peter. Summer Nights music starts: da dada da daaaaa. PETER (sigh) All this after such a great summer at the beach.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

18.

QUAGMIRE Hey, I want to hear what Peter did at the beach.

JOE/CLEVELAND Yeah!

PETER Eh, it was nothin’. QUAGMIRE C’mon Peter. You got in her drawers, right? CLEVELAND Tell us about that girl. INTERCUT WITH: INT. PEWTERSCHMIDT MANSION - DINING ROOM - DAY Griffin family, minus Peter, at the dinner table with Barbara and Carter Pewterschmidt. They will be referred to as "The Ladies." CARTER So what did you do over summer, Pumpkin? LOIS Oh, I spent most of it at the beach, with Peter. CARTER Why waste your time at the beach with Peter? LOIS He was really romantic. Peter cornered by Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire. They will be referred to as "The Guys." JOE We want to hear.

QUAGMIRE Give it to me.

CLEVELAND Yeah, tell us. PETER C’mon, you don’t want to hear all the horny details. (CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

19.

They become ecstatic. PETER Alright, I’ll tell you. (sings) Summer lovin’ had me a blast. LOIS Summer lovin’ happened so fast. PETER I met a girl crazy for me. LOIS Met a boy cute as can be. BOTH Summer days driftin’ away, to uh, oh those summer nights. EVERYONE Uh Well-a well-a well-a huh. THE GUYS Tell me more, tell me more. CLEVELAND Did you get very far? THE LADIES Tell me more, tell me more. BARBARA Like does he have a car? EVERYONE Uh-huh dodo uh-huh dodo uh-huh uh-huh. PETER She swam by me, she got a cramp. LOIS He ran by me, got my suit damp. PETER I saved her life, she nearly drowned. LOIS He showed off, splashing around.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

20.

BOTH Summer sun, something’s begun, but uh-oh those summer nights. EVERYONE Uh well-a well-a well-a huh. THE LADIES Tell me more, tell me more. CARTER Was it love at first sight? THE GUYS Tell me more, tell me more. JOE Did she put up a fight? EVERYONE Uh-huh-dobeedo-huh-uh-dobeedo-uh-huh. PETER Took her bowling in the arcade. LOIS We went strolling, drank lemonade. PETER We made out under the dock. LOIS We stayed out ’till ten o’clock. BOTH Summer fling, don’t mean a thing, but uh, oh those summer nights. EVERYONE Uh well-a well-a well-a huh. THE GUYS Tell me more, tell me more. CLEVELAND But you don’t gotta brag. THE LADIES Tell me more, tell me more.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

21.

MEG Cuz he sounds like a drag. EVERYONE Shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop,shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, Yeah. LOIS He got friendly, holding my hand. PETER While she got friendly down in the sand. LOIS He was sweet, just turned fourty-three. PETER Well she was good, you know what I mean. EVERYONE Whoa! BOTH Summer heat, boy and girl meet, but uh, oh those summer nights. EVERYONE Woo, woo, woo. THE LADIES Tell me more, tell me more. CHRIS How much dough did he spend? THE GUYS Tell me more, tell me more. QUAGMIRE Could she get me a friend? LOIS He got drunk, that’s where it ends. PETER Thank God, I still have friends.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

22.

LOIS I still think that he’s such a cow. PETER Wonder what she’s doing now? BOTH Summer dreams ripped at the seams, but oh, those summer nights... EVERYONE Tell me more, tell me more! Music stops. PETER Crap, I need to get Lois back. INT./EXT. PEWTERSCHMIDT MANSION - GUEST ROOM - NIGHT Lois in bed, crying. A FAINT ACOUSTIC GUITAR RIFF: Extreme More Than Words. PETER Saying ’I love you’ is not the words I want to hear from you... Lois peers out the window. Peter serenades with an acoustic guitar. PETER ...It’s not that I want you not to say, but if you only knew how easy it would be to show me how you feel.. Lois wooed. She’s eating this up. PETER ...More than words is all you have to do to make it real. Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me, cuz I’d already know. Lois runs outside. LOIS Oh, Peter. They embrace.

(CONTINUED)


CONTINUED:

23.

PETER Lois, I’m sorry-LOIS --Peter, I don’t want to hear an apology. I want you to take me home. They promenade into darkness. PETER What about the kids? LOIS Eh, leave ’em here. Maybe, it’s OK to be irresponsible with the children every once in while. PETER Uh, OK. FADE OUT. THE END


Family Guy Spec- To Beer or Not to Beer  

Peter decides to confront his alcoholism after selling Chris for beer money.

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