CCI "Message from an Unknown Adoptee" Special Edition Newsletter

China's Children International

Message from an Unknown Adoptee Special Edition Newsletter

Introduction Over one hundred thousand children have been adopted from China since China opened its doors to international adoption. We have come from the most rural villages of the west, to the most urbanized megacities of the east and everywhere in between. Now we can be found in every corner of the world. Our organization, China’s Children International, believes we have the same beginnings, but different paths in life.

As Chinese adoptees, we are connected by this same beginning—a beginning that many of us only vaguely understand. There are so many unanswerable questions we have about our adoptions. We want Message from an Unknown Adoptee to finally give a voice to the feelings we have towards our birth parents.

We asked Chinese adoptees of all ages: “What would you like to ask or say to your birthparents? What do you want them to know about you? What do you want to know about them?” The messages we have received are in the form of letters, poems, and artwork—all filled with honest emotions.

The inspiration for the project lies in the novel, Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother by Xinran, founder of The Mothers' Bridge of Love. For adoptees, Xinran's works have become a source of solace and pride. Through them, we can begin to understand the lives of the women who have given us life and keep us in their memories.

The reason why we chose the title, Message from an Unknown Adoptee, is because although some of us may have signed our stories with our names, we remain unknown to our birth parents.

And now, we would like to deliver the following messages to our audience: • To adoptees- Always remember that you are not alone in your feelings, be them happy or sad; you will always have support from the global network of Chinese adoptees.

• To birth parents- Let us never forget that love is full of hope, and the bond that it creates is indestructable.

• To adoptive parents- In a situation such as this, where we have lost the beginning of our story, questions are only natural and feelings are bound to be complex. Please understand that putting these feelings into words does not change the way we view you, our adoptive parents.

Thank you for respecting this space dedicated to our birth parents.

As you will discover, some of the messages will bring tears to your eyes, while others will warm your heart—but they are all from us, the Chinese adoptees who deserve to be heard.

This material may not be copied, reproduced, duplicated, published or distributed in whole or in part without our express written permission.

Table of Contents p. 32: Iris A., p. 22-23: Leah, Liangping, Beijing Chongqing p. 8: Olivia G., Bengbu, Anhui

p. 36: Julie, Xiantao, Hubei p. 34-35: Taylor S., Yiyang, Hunan p. 37: Jane, Changsha, Hunan p. 38-39: Juliet, Changsha, Hunan p. 33: Nicole W., Xiangtan, Hunan p. 27: Hanna, Guilin, Guangxi p. 5: Katie H., Guilin, Guangxi p. 43: Madeline, Guiping, Guangxi p. 12-13: Lindsey S., Wuzhou, Guangxi p. 6-7: Linzi M., Maoming, Guangdong

Note: Initial Summer 2013 publication of this newsletter are the messages between pages 5-41.

p. 41: Sophie, Chuzhou, Anhui

p 14: Lane A., Ma’Anshan, Anhui p. 24-25: Charlotte C., Zhenjiang, Jiangsu p. 42: Catherine O., Mada, Zhejiang p. 16-17: Maia, Hangzhou, Zhejiang p. 20: Hannah H., Guitian, Fujian p. 21: Anonymous, Shaowu, Fujian p. 9: Lillian, Poyang, Jiangxi

p. 10-11: Hannah L., p. 18-19: Amy, Yueyang, Hunan Ji’an, Jiangxi p. 28-29: Anonymous, p. 15: Katie, Sanshui, p. 30-31: Nicole G., Yueyang, Hunan p. 40: Anonymous, Guangdong Wuhan, Hubei Yueyang, Hunan p. 26: Becky Y., Hauzhou, Guangdong

Wonder Why Why did you do it, how could you do it?

Was it just for me?

Or only for you?

Pardon this selfishness of mine, for wondering why.

Do I have your eyes?

Do I have your hair, your love or your laugh?

Do you believe my dreams came to be?

Do you ever wonder why?

What was the feeling in your body?

What was going through your mind?

Was it rainin', was it shinin'?

Just wonderin' why.

I can't say I'm mad at you for it.

I can't say I hate or maybe even love you.

I have no place to blame you, I can only say, I wonder why...

Did you love me?

Did you regret that day?

Did you ever second guess it?

Excuse this rudeness of mine, for wondering why.

(Katie Holz, 19. Adopted at 2 years old from Guilin, Guangxi Province)

I Hope These Find You

(Linzi Murray, 17. Adopted at 7 months old from Maoming, Guangdong Province) I wanted to show that despite being worlds apart and not knowing who she is, I feel an overwhelming amount of love for my birth mother. It is my hope that this love is strong enough to reach her wherever she is.

I did this one in honor of my birth mother. I feel as though she has passed on and though I could be wrong, I believe that I am not. I wanted to dedicate this picture of a mother and baby panda, created in bows, to her.

(Linzi Murray, 17. Adopted at 7 months old from Maoming, Guangdong Province)

A Thousand Miles Away I weep I cry For a past unknown They tell me I’m lucky They tell me to move on But amidst my blissful life, they don’t know my pain Buried beneath The constant reminder that I will never know my beginnings I pretend I don’t care, I say I don’t want to know But God knows the truth I think about them every day I wonder if they think about me

A thousand miles away

(Olivia L. Gartman, 16.

Adopted at 15 months old from Bengbu, Anhui Province)

(Lillian Beatrice Ya, 6 ½. Adopted at 10 months old from Poyang, Jiangxi Province)

�亲, When I went back to China, I saw so many new things. Everything was so amazing and I felt at home right away, but there was something that I kept wondering: Am I seeing the real China? I didn't know why I was searching for something that possibly can't even be defined. Why did I want to see the real China so badly?

Why wouldn't I be satisfied with something fake? That is when it occurred to me that in my mind, the real China had become you.

The real China is my seemingly forbidden hope for the materialization of my most coveted daydreams.

The ones of me sitting next to you, feeling your warm hands on mine as you teach me how to fold dumplings. Or

the ones of looking into a face and seeing parts of myself there as well. It is the fragile hope that I feel like I

shouldn't have because what if finding you is impossible or too selfish?

These are my thoughts on the days when the ineffable and undefinable sadness that I have in missing you is too much to bear, the days when all I can do is lie in my bed and withdraw from the world. For me, this

struggle has gotten more and more difficult as I have grown and become disillusioned with the world and society.

I will soon return to China for university and I don't know what to expect and I don't know what I will find. All I know is that China is where I need to be right now and I hope that we might one day become a

rediscovered part of one another's Chinas.

我爱你， 你的女儿

(Hannah Lyon, 17. Adopted at 6 months old from Yueyang, Hunan Province)

Dear Birth Parents, My name is Lindsey Slater. I have a twin sister named Stephanie Slater.

We were born April 29, 1996 and adopted from Wuzhou, Guangxi, China on February 24, 1997 (we were 10 months old). We are now 17 year old seniors in high school and are in the National Honors Society and on the Varsity Tennis Team. We both want to go to Florida State University, me for Interior Design and Stephanie for Social Work.

I want to tell you about my family. We’re a rainbow! My parents are white, many of my cousins are black, through marriage, some cousins are Hispanic, and my sister and I are Asian. I absolutely love being in a family so diverse. I feel like my family alone embodies the American term “Melting Pot.” My mom’s name is Dawn Slater. Ever since she was a little girl she dreamed of being a mom. When she and my dad couldn’t conceive on their own, they looked into adoption. Eventually, they were sent pictures of two little Chinese twins and were told that we were going to be their babies. My mom looked at our pictures every single day until we were put in her arms.

My dad’s name is Rod Slater. Although he’s not been in my life much since my parents’ divorce, for the time being, he was a really good dad. He still is in some ways. There are a lot of complications, but I know he really loves us.

I hope you two find comfort in knowing we were adopted into a loving family. First and foremost, I just want you to know that I’m not mad at either of you. My mom always told me that you two loved us both very much. I believed it when I was a little girl and I still believe it now. Just like she told me, I really do believe you two were doing what you thought was best for us. I have always thought about you two in the highest regard.

When I think about you, there are always a lot of questions that pop into my mind. Did they want us? Did they want boys? Could they just not afford us? Were they married? Were they in love? Were they young? Were they old? Do I look like them? Do they think about us on our birthday? Do they think about us any other day? Do they miss us? Do they wish they could go back and change their minds?

I know it’s a lot of questions, and whatever the answers may be is fine with me. I just want an answer. My whole entire life, it’s been my dream to find my birth parents so I can ask you all these questions myself.

My adoption is so much a part of who I am. It’s given me internal struggle and internal strength; it’s given me the life I have right now. By meeting you two, getting to know you, and maybe having my questions answered, I can start to really write my story – a story that doesn’t begin with my birth, but the story of my birth parents.

(Lindsey Slater, 17. Adopted at 10 months old from Wuzhou, Guangxi Province)

亲爱的妈妈, For nine long months, you carried me in your womb, your heart and mine beating in unison. Now a figment of my

imagination, I look in the mirror and try to picture your face.

Who are you? Why does my heart break every time I long for you? All I want is for you to hold me in your arms and only then will the everlasting pain subside. I am left with only assumptions

as to why you could not care for me. Through the years, I have had to come to terms that I cannot change the past and must accept my loss and be grateful for the life I am living.

Although I have never met you, you are always in my heart and mind. What I long for now is not merely to know who you are, but also the family I so often imagine. To know that I have siblings out there in the world gives me hope of the future that awaits me when we reunite at last. 'Till then I will search for you, think of you, and long for the moment we meet again.

(Lane Xue Allison, 19.

Adopted at 7 months old from Ma'Anshan, Anhui Province)

你的女儿, 马酉学

Lane Xue Allison

Dear Birth Parents,

Thanks. I am grateful that you wanted me to have a better life and made probably one of the hardest decisions of your life to give to me up. I hope you are well and I will pray for you.

Sincerely,

ĺ°?äź˜ (Katie)

(Katie, 17. Adopted at 10 months old from Sanshui, Guangdong Province)

there there

Dear Mother,

I forever grieve for you, my lost family that I can never know. I grieve for you, mother, and for you, my father, and other siblings. My heart is heavy that you, my grandparents and family friends, will never know the fate of a two-week old infant you left with 20 RMB in a pagoda in Hangzhou, China, on February 9, 1994.

I am sad because I know how a lack of knowledge can eat away your mind, and you have even less knowledge than I. I know you are there in the world, you can write, you love me. Your presence in this world, however tenuous to me, is real. That knowledge is at once liberating and painful. But you don’t even know if I survived 24 hours after someone took me from that pagoda. Do you know that I am alive? Healthy? That I live in America? That I wear glasses? That I’m left-handed? That you enter my thoughts every day? I hope you do.

I miss you terribly, mama, and imagine you comforting me, softly whispering, “There there, don’t cry,” and rocking me to sleep. Baba, I imagine that you would have given

me piggy-back rides and taught me how to play mahjong. Is this wishful thinking? I don’t know. But I know you abandoned me with hopes that my life would be better than the one I would have had. What trust you have in the universe, that somehow in this enormous world a little infant in a riverside pagoda would somehow be cared for, that decision must have been more painful than anything I know today. And for that, I respect you beyond words. I try to trust the universe will care for me, just as you did, but sometimes it’s hard. I am learning though.

I hope you would be proud of me. I’ve been fortunate in my lifetime to have been adopted by an American family who loves me, to have had the opportunity to study Chinese, to have been able to return to China, but most of all, to have been able to thrive. I’ve been blessed in many ways.

In my life now, I have so many interests that I can’t pursue them all. From each new experience and encounter with a human being, I try to be open in mind and heart and learn what joy and wonder can be learned from new interactions.

As part of the abandonment and adoption process, I learned how to protect my heart from being hurt. But I’m trying so hard to remove that barrier, exposing myself to the world, and truly living. It is just something for me to work on. Even for this I would never blame you. I’m just preparing to enter college and my future is as unknown as the stars.

I have friends from all over the world, and will make more as I mature and grow into myself. I get good grades, drive my car, and go to school. But there’s a part of me that’s still a little kid, going outside to pick little yellow flowers from our yard Americans hate these “dandelions,” and call them weeds. Recently, I’ve felt that my fate is to learn Chinese fluently, that I may go back to China as a volunteer and help care for elders or children without support themselves. I have thought specifically of returning to an orphanage to help girls there. I feel it is my fate.

Or maybe not. I will see where it takes me. But I know my fate has and does intertwine with China. I would wish beyond wishes that it intertwines with you too. But I doubt we shall ever meet.

Please, let your hearts not hurt so much, let them mend a little, a lot. Please don’t be

sad. The universe has kept me safe.

Please remember me, as I remember you. You mean so much to me, and I miss you. Don’t feel guilty, or sad, or depressed.

我永远爱你.

Your loving daughter, Maia

徐珊 (Maia, 19. Adopted at 6 months old from Hangzhou, Zhejiang Province)

When I look at my family members, none of us match on the outside, but we all match on the inside.

Thank you for that When I paint, when I write, I'm so intertwined with my work, it's like I'm in love.

I'm grateful towards you for that.

My friends are like fireworks in the sky, the way they rip through my darkest nights and bring me color and joy I really appreciate you because of that.

Thank you for choosing to let me have a different family, friends, and passions.

You could've easily gotten rid of me The government could've easily forced you to get rid of me You didn't need to give me life But you did, So thank you for abandoning me, allowing me to live in an orphanage, and letting me live here in America.

Thank you for the trauma of my toddler years and for the PTSD and anxiety and depression that came with my difficult beginning.

It's shaped me and given me immense hope, courage, and insight.

Thank you for the tears I am able to cry, the blood I can bleed, and the pain I can feel.

Thank you for allowing me to live.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to worship God, give thanks, and be thanked.

When you look at your families, I bet you match on the outside.

I pray that we all match on the inside too.

Do you paint?

Do you work?

Do you ever feel like you're in love?

I want to shine bright for you.

Maybe if you look up you'll see me rip through the night sky.

Like fireworks.

I hope you choose life for yourselves too.

I hope you find friends and passions and God. He could've easily gotten rid of you too.

But He gave you life.

Will you thank Him? I hope to meet you in Heaven if not on earth.

(Amy, 16. Adopted from May God bless you.

Ji'an, Jiangxi Province)

I am Hannah Ming Xing Howell I am currently age 15. I was adopted at the age of 2, turning 3 in the year 2000, when my adoptive parents got me. Where they got me from was Guitian, China in Fujian Province. I love playing the piano and reading lots of books like the Hunger Games and Legend. I really like school and am currently a straight A's student. I went back to China when I was about 8 years old to see my orphanage and to see my hometown. I enjoyed seeing the sights and feeling at home with people who look like me. When I was little and up to now, I still wonder who my real parents were. I would like to ask my birthparents why they didn't want me, if maybe they already had another child or if it was just because I was a girl. I wonder if it was because I was sick. I have a heart condition that was inherited, so one of my parents was also ill.

I want to know where they live, their names, and how old they are now. I also would like to see/know what they look like, eyes, hair, height. I would like to tell my birthparents that my adoptive parents take very good care of me and treat me like a princess. I am very happy with everyone in my life, my friends and family. I believe they should know that I would love to meet them and that I just want to know what type of people they are. I think a lot about being adopted and how people don't always understand what I go through, but even with faults and sorrow in my life, I try my best not to feel down and think of how my life could be worse. I pray for children in the orphanage and the ones who don't get adopted.

I am very thankful for everything I have received and hope that every adoptive child feels at least grateful for a family that cares for them. We might all have rough lives, but telling our stories encourages and gives hope to everyone.

(Hannah Howell, 15. Adopted at 2/3 years old from Guitian, Fujian Province)

What kind of jobs do my birth

parents hold? Do they hold jobs?

Did they hold any expectations for my future despite leaving me for somebody else to find? Do they want to know who I grew up to be? If they did, were their expectations of me exceeded? I would assure them that I have had an amazing life so far and have met amazing people who have supported me. I would want them in my life.

-Anonymous

(18. Adopted at 15 months old from Shaowu, Fujian Province)

Dear Mom and Dad, I have so much to tell you. First of all, I want to let you know that I forgive you for giving me up; no matter what the situation was, I believe that you did it knowing that it would be the best choice.

You'll be happy to hear that a great family adopted me at age 4 and I have everything that you would've wanted for me.

As of right now, I am a happy 16 year old high schooler who's attending e-Acheive (a high school online) and am receiving pretty good grades. I am a proud owner of two beautiful horses: Ally, who's a 21 yr. old Arabian and Valkyrie (aka Val), who's a 5 yr. old Norwegian Fjord.

I show my Fjord at horse shows. Also, I have a younger sister who we adopted from Nanning, Guangxi China. Her name is Mhari and she's currently 12.

Do I have a brother or sister in China living with you guys? I am very active in my church. From helping with Sunday school, to being in the

bell choir and much more, I love every bit of it!

Another group that I participate in a lot is 4-H. This is a program that gives kids countless opportunities from cooking and sewing, to animals and photography; it has everything!

Did you know that my first word that I said in English was, "Camera"? Do you guys like taking pictures? Perhaps that's where I got it from.

My birthday that the orphanage had picked out for me is

August 14, 1996. When was I really born? And my biggest question is, why did you have to give me up?

This family has given me so

I could go on and on about how

many opportunities. I have been

great America is here, but my real

able to visit many states in the

point in writing this letter is to not

country. You may be excited to

only give you an update on my

hear that in June/July 2013, I'll

life, but it's to let you know that I

be in China on a giving back

still love you very much and want

service trip!! This trip gives us

to thank you for giving me up.

the opportunity to "give back" to our country by helping out at the orphanages. We will also be touring in China, including being

Love, Leah

able to climb the Great Wall. This will be my third time going on it since I was born in Beijing; I've already gotten the opportunity.

I know you must be dying to see what I look like now. Here's a picture of what I look like now. I wish you could send one of yourselves.

I'm only 5'1 so one of you must be on the shorter side.

You must be wondering if there's a guy in my life...I have to tell you, I've never dated and really don't plan to until I'm ready to settle down.

(Leah, 16. Adopted at 4 years old from Beijing)

妈妈, Do you remember when you gave up your little girl almost nineteen years ago? Deep in my heart, I already know that you do. I believe that you think of me sometimes, just as I think of you. I think you wonder whether I am ok, where I ended up, and what kind of life I am living right now. I think you wonder whether I ended up with your eyes or my father’s mouth. I think you wonder what kind of a young woman I have grown up into.

Finally, I get my chance to tell you the answers I’ve always wanted to.

Am I happy now? I want to tell you first that I am really very happy now. I’m living in the United States with two wonderful moms and a fabulous sister who is also adopted from China. I’ve had everything I could have ever wanted growing up and more. I’ve been loved, cared for, and valued as a daughter and as a sister. I love my family very much. I’ve also had the privilege of attending great schools, and I am now at an American college, studying Chinese— can you believe that?

Do I forgive you? I never blamed you in the first place. I know that there are circumstances beyond your power to control. China is a hard place for girls to grow up in, and to be honest, I feel lucky to have the life I have now. As an adoptee, I have become 100% Chinese and 100% American.

I have the life that you have given me, and my American parents have made me who I am. This dual position blesses me with the best of both. Thus, I think you’ve given me a gift and I am happy for it.

What kind of a girl have I grown into? I want to tell you that I try to be a kind girl, a compassionate girl, who always wants the best for others. I always want to help out. I do well in school. I hope that I am hardworking, passionate and dedicated. There’s sometimes that nagging feeling that perhaps you didn’t want me. Have I proved myself yet? Am I someone you can be proud of? Am I a good enough daughter yet? But deep down I believe that you always wanted me, still I hope you are proud of me now.

I’ve recently gotten interested in meeting you, and I’ve always said that I’d want to meet you for myself, so I can complete my story. But writing this letter, I realize that I already know that you love me. If I wanted to meet you, it would be for you—so you can see how I’ve grown and how happy I am. This way, I hope we can finally tie this thread of our story to its own bitter-sweet conclusion, not one of forgetting entirely, but of coming to peace with it.

Even if we never meet, I feel as if just through writing this letter, maybe these are things you already know.

Your daughter,

Charlotte Cotter

(Charlotte Cotter, 18.

Adopted at 5 months old from Zhenjiang, Jiangsu Province)

Why didn't you

keep me? What were you doing that made you stop keeping me?

(Becky Yingling, 6. Adopted at 14 months old from Hauzhou, Guangdong Province)

Dear Birth Parents, I probably should start off by introducing myself. My name is Hanna, I am 18 years old, and I just graduated high school!

I wanted to thank you both for giving me life. I haven’t forgotten about you both, and I promise I never will.

I got adopted into a wonderful and loving family. They are very supportive, and I know I can count on them. I love them all very much! I do think about you both, and wonder what you both look like and other characteristics. I wonder how many traits I inherited from you both as well. I would like to meet you both some day. It would be very cool and interesting!

Some fun, random questions I would like to ask you both are: What type of food do you like? What’s your favorite color?

What’s your favorite movie? What’s your favorite song and what’s your favorite holiday? Just in case you were wondering, my answers to these questions are: my favorite food is spaghetti; my favorite color is pink; my favorite movie is Homeward Bound, it’s an older movie but a classic ; my favorite song is, well, I don’t really have one, it changes ; and my favorite holiday is Christmas.

The most important thing I wanted to tell you both is that I accepted the Lord to be my savior on July 21st, 2005. I believe being adopted was His plan for me. I know He has other plans for me as well in the future. My mother told me she prayed for a daughter and even though she had to wait, God kept His promise to her. I know God keeps His promises and He will never steer us wrong .

Wherever you both are now, I hope you're doing well, and who knows, maybe one day we will meet .

(Hanna, 18. Adopted at 22 months old from Guilin, Guangxi Province)

Sincerely, Hanna

Have I ever wanted to go back to China? Have I ever

wondered what my life would have been like if I wasn’t adopted? Have I ever wondered about your life? I have.

I don’t know if I’m merely being selfish or curious, but I have always wanted to talk to you.

I’d like to believe that ignorance is bliss. You loved me so much you gave me up to have a better life. I easily swallowed that down as the truth when I was a little girl, but as I grew up, I wondered what was really happening halfway across the world. My life here now

is amazing and I doubt I’d have half of the chances that I have now. One day when I came home from school, my mom was crying because she said she was so proud of me—her little angel was going to go off to college soon.

Even though I never felt obligated to follow the Chinese culture or learn the language, that was something I always was curious about. I wanted to have something similar to you, even if it’s just a language that one billion other people speak. I haven’t gone back to China, and I’m not sure if I ever will.

One day, I would like to sit down with both of my parents and talk to them about what they went through and why everything happened, even if it shatters the illusion I grew up with. I’ve always wanted to see you and hear your voice. I want that to happen at some point. Ever since I was little, I’ve wanted to ask you a million questions I could never say.

As I go off to college in the fall, I start thinking of the future again and what you would have thought. I wish you could be at my high school graduation. I wish you could be in my life. I know that is a selfish thing to ask.

I want to show you that I have grown up. You should know that the little girl who danced in frilly dresses and was afraid of the dark grew up to be someone that I hope you would be proud of.

In a way, I felt like I’ve always had two families—I have my adoptive family and my birth family. I feel as if I’m being greedy for wanting both in my life. The one part I don’t know yet is that if I had the chance to rewrite my history, would I do it?

-Anonymous

(Adopted at 9 months old from Yueyang, Hunan Province)

Dark hair, almond eyes, tan skin. These are the only features that come to mind when I try to think of you.

Everything else refuses to surface. But there are so many people who have these characteristics that this is hardly anything distinguishing. The fact is, I don’t know you. But I don’t feel like I’ve been abandoned or that I wasn’t loved.

Ever since I read Xinran’s books, I’ve gained a better understanding on why so many babies have been put up for adoption. Chinese society is complex: filial piety, factory workers, one-child policy, gender inequality, migrant workers, Hukou system, education gap, social inequity, ect. These split the country and affect all types of people. I know that you loved me and only wanted to provide me a better life of opportunity. Yet my Chinese heritage is an innate part of who I am, so I’ve always wondered about it.

I’ve been learning Mandarin for the past four years, and I studied in Beijing on a scholarship last summer. I’ve also been learning about Chinese culture and history. But what bugs me most is something that can’t be read about in a book or heard on the news—it’s my background, the place from which I’ve sprung. The small things in life, the details, can mean so much.

Who gave me the dimple on the left corner of my face or the birthmark on the right side? Why is it that I write with my right hand, but use a fork with my left hand?

However, it’s not just the physical features, the intangible matter too. People have debated over nurture versus nature. My family, friends, teachers, and environment have certainly shaped me.

But I wonder if my mind carries traits from you— from my thirst for knowledge to my determination and independence and simply the way I think. So tell me, am I like you? And I also wonder how you’re doing. America is a place of opportunity and freedom. Through the ups and the downs, I know that my life is good. But I want to know about your life. Where do you live? What do you do? Are you married? Do you have children?

I hope that your life is good, but part of me fears that you’re scarred from pains of the past and suppressed by society. I want you to have joy, love, and happiness.

Although we’re nearly 7,000 miles apart and don’t know one another, I know that our bond transcends the unknown. We share the same wish—the wish that one another is doing well and living a solid, comfortable life at least. I want you to know that I’m proud of who I am and that I embrace opportunity and strive to make the most out of life. I don’t want the easy route because I’d rather forge my own.

And never forget that I love you, present tense.

(Nicole G., 16. Adopted at 15 months old from Wuhan, Hubei Province)

To my mother in China Dear mother,

I miss you so much. I wish we could see each other, but the distance between us is very long.

Sometimes I think of you when I go to bed at night. And I think: “Why did you have to give me up? Why couldn’t we be together forever?” And I always know the answer...It’s not because you didn’t want me, it’s because you couldn’t have me. I think of it very much and I just don’t understand why you had to give me up, still I know the answer. My adoptive mother is alright too, and she loves me as much as you could do.

But in my heart, deep, deep in my heart, I know I belong to you. Sometimes I wish I never was

born, and then you and I wouldn’t be so sad for each other. I miss you so much.

From your loving daughter, Iris ox ♥ (Iris Abhati, 9. Adopted from Liangping, Chongqing.

Currently lives in Norway)

A Chinese born girl, Grew up in America, Where is she standing.

She loves to eat rice, This does not make her Chinese, So then what does exactly.

Likes to sleep a lot, And likes to eat junk food too, What does this make her?

Where does she come from, Identity issues rise, She will ask questions.

One adopted girl, Finding who she really is, By going back home.

(Nicole Wilner, 16. Adopted at 3 years old from Xiangtan, Hunan Province)

Just Thought You'd Like to Know...

Just thought you'd like to know...

I’m growing up in a happy, Christian, "normal” family, one sister and no brothers, a loving dad and loving mom, a few pets here and there, tons of family and friends.

Just thought you'd like to know...

I love reading, art, listening to music, working, helping others, cooking, creating, texting, playing with my pets, baby-sitting, singing, eating, and so much more.

Just thought you'd like to know...

I really love school. My favorite subjects are English, Production, History and French. My least favorite are Math and Science.

Just thought you'd like to know...

I’m involved in quite a few clubs. I’m a member of a Thespian Troupe, I’m the SGA Treasurer and have been since freshman year, and I have recently been elected to be the Historian for the French Club.

Just thought you'd like to know...

I’m a born again Christian. I accepted Jesus in my heart when I was 15 years old. I love learning more about Him, I pray that you're both Christians.

Just thought you'd like to know...

My mom says that someday we will go to China to see my birth country. I’ll put up a poster hoping you might see it.

Just thought you'd like to know...

When I grow up I hope, I’ll have my dream job; adopt some kids of my own; marry a wonderful, Christian man; and hopefully find you.

Just thought you'd like to know...

Whenever I see a Chinese mother and daughter I stop to think, "Could that have been you and me? Would we get along? Would we be just like they are?"

Just thought you'd like to know...

Not a day goes by without me thinking,"What are y’all like? Why did you put me up for adoption? Do I look like you? Do I act like you? Are you still alive? Do I have brothers and sisters?"

Just thought you'd like to know...

I love you. Though I may never see you or talk to you, no matter who or what you are, I love you.

Just thought you'd like to know.

(Taylor Shennett, 16. Adopted at 9 months old from Yiyang, Hunan Province)

I wonder if you would have cared about me. I want you to know that I love you and I want you to think about me.

Maybe we could see each other in our dreams. I also want you to know that each day I am growing and becoming older and more mature, I think about you more. You will be glad to hear that I have a good education. Though you had seen me when I was a baby, now, you would see a 10-year old girl waiting to grow up. I also have a great life so far. I don't want you to worry about me, but just think, I hope to visit China someday and see you. Yeah, I have had rough times, but the hardest obstacle of life was understanding why I was adopted and why you guys gave me up like you did. I want you to know I have the best family a girl can have. I don't want you to forget me.

Bye!

(Julie, 10. Adopted at 14 months old from Xiantao, Hubei Province)

Where are you now? (based off of the song “Where are you now?” by Mumford and Sons)

(Jane. Adopted at 6 months old from Changsha, Hunan Province) Where are you now?

I have never met you But I have pictured you in my dreams Do you ever think of me in the crowd?

I picture myself hugging you I wish I could meet you I’m growing up now Can you believe it?

I am almost an adult

When you gave me up God chose the right family for me But you are still my family If I was to meet you Would you recognize me?

I wouldn’t recognize you Even though we are miles apart I pray for you We share the same blood But not the same life

I'm Juliet. I'm sixteen years old. I was adopted from Changsha, Hunan Province when I was nine months old. I now live in London, UK and I'm doing ok. I want to tell my birth parents that one of my biggest regrets is never meeting them, never knowing what they look like or what they like. What made them happy, what made them sad. I will never know any of that. My life now is pretty good; I love my adoptive parents, but I would have liked to have met my birth parents. I think about why they gave me up for adoption a lot and I want them to know that I hope they're living or lived good lives wherever they are.

(Juliet, 16. Adopted at 9 months old from Changsha, Hunan Province. Currently lives in London, United Kingdom)

Blue The night is dark and silent The thoughts come rolling in And hour after hour I wonder where you've been Do you ever think of me In this deep dark night?

As when the moon above us shines I sometimes think you might At one point we were one So long ago it seems a crime But our bond is of a love One that will outlast time If I ever saw you again I'd ask how you've been keeping?

All I'd need is just one look Our time all too fleeting (Juliet, 16. Adopted at 9 months old from Changsha, Hunan Province. Currently lives in London, United Kingdom)

To say that I don't miss you Would be an outright lie Without you I am lost I'm trying to get by I wonder where you are When we're so far apart You're already gone But never from my heart I can't ever let it out Or the sadness will grow So until we meet again It's best you don't know So it's at night in the darkness When I think of you And the night isn't black But a dark shade of blue

I was hesitant to write you because how can I possibly find the words inside me to properly convey the last sixteen years?

I want you to know that I live a beautiful and fulfilling life. I have a loving and accepting forever family. I am fortunate to be getting an education, and I’ve found that helping others is my passion. I often feel an immense sense of gratitude for the life I have been given. I believe that things happen for a reason, and I believe that I was meant to be here.

Sometimes I wonder why I was placed on those orphanage steps in the stifling August heat. Was it because I was a girl? I wonder why there was no note, no name, nothing to remember you by. Sometimes I wonder if you were even given the opportunity to see me before I was whisked off into my new life. I hope that you did.

I’d like to believe that you abandoned me in order for me to have a better life. Maybe it wasn’t even your decision. Either way, I’d like you to know that I’ve forgiven you. In fact, I was never upset or mad with you in the first place. I’ve always just accepted your decision as a crucial piece to my story. Without it, I wouldn’t be living this beautiful life.

I often imagine meeting you someday. Maybe by fate, we will end up in each other’s arms once more.

I will never forget you, how can I? You gave me the gift of life, and for that I will be forever grateful.

(16. Adopted at 10 months old from Yueyang, Hunan Province)

(Sophie, 10. Adopted at 16 months old from Chuzhou, Anhui Province)

I hope to find you some day and tell you all

that I have done and strive to do. You will be proud of me. Please don't live your life holding back in guilt because even though I

was left with an unknown past, I can use that to help others and impact others—it was all meant to be. I think of you

every day

and I can't help but imagine how and when we will meet again.

Love you so much,

C at h e r i n e (兰兰)

(Catherine Obrero, 17.

Adopted at 9 months old from Mada, Zhejiang Province. November 2013)

It would take millions of pages to fit all of the questions I would like to ask my birthparents.

Why did you leave me?

Did you and do you love me?

Do I have a sibling?

When was I born?

Do you remember me?

Do you think about me?

Were you in the crowd when you left me?

Who left me?

I still think about you.

Please remember me.

(Madeline YanJie, 10. Adopted at 25 months old from Guiping, Guangxi Province. January 2014)

CHINA’S CHILDREN INTERNATIONAL est. 2011

About Us

China’s Children International (CCI) is an online support organization created by and for adoptees. Our mission is to empower Chinese adoptees from all over the world by providing an inclusive and supportive community for all of us who share this common beginning.

As many Chinese adoptees are becoming young adults, we thought it was about time that we had a group of our own. We hope that China’s Children International can serve as a community for us as we transition into the adult world.

Not only does this group allow us to help one another, but we are able to help younger adoptees and their families going through similar experiences.

"Same Beginnings, Different Paths"

Get Involved >>Semi-annual Newsletters: Email us your writing or artwork! >>Facebook group discussions and monthly chats >>Pen Pal and Mentor Me programs >>Online-based projects >>Blog posting >>Start your own project and share it with us!

Social Networking Sites Website

Email

Group Friend

Blog

Twitter

Tumblr

If you are interested in submitting your work to this ongoing project, please email: cci.messagesfromadoptees@gmail.com For any comments, questions, or suggestions, please email: chinachildreninternational@gmail.com

Compiled and Designed by Katie Holz Edited by Hannah Lyon & Contributions from Nicole G.

Thank You for Reading This material may not be copied, reproduced, duplicated, published or distributed in whole or in part without our express written permission.

Disclaimer: China's Children International does not own the rights to the background graphics used for this newsletter.