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CHEWONTHIS Series 2 Episode 3 Mar ch 2004

FREE keep it on you

CHEW ON THIS MAGAZINE Series 2 | Episode 3 | March 2004

PUBLISHER Local Market MANAGING EDITOR Lander Salzberg ASSOCIATE EDITOR Jonathan Martin ASSISTANT EDITOR Kirsten Lewis GRAPHIC DESIGN Justin Vaughan ILLUSTRATION EDITOR Anthony Harris ADVERTISING DIRECTOR Jonathan Martin DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Lander Salzberg COVER DESIGN Bill Rose CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Susan Antonelli, Cameron Ayers, Christian Detres, Daniel Robert Epstein, The Filthy Apes, Kevin Gallagher, Igor, Alison Miller, Ryan Pollack, April Sparrow CONTRIBUTING ILLUSTRATORS Christian Detres, Oura, Marnie Wolfford CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Phil Noe

“Jesus Nodder” Available at World of Mirth, $8.99

The advertising and articles appearing within this publication reflect the opinions and attitudes of their respective authors and not necessarily those of the publisher or editors. Chew On This Magazine is published monthly and is free of charge. All material within this magazine is © 2004. Chew On This Magazine is a registered trademark of Local Market, L.L.C. mail 2130 W. Main St. email phone 4055001 Thank you for reading Chew On This



1 No More Pain 3 Life After Television

29 Wanna Cyber? 31 Jobs That Get You Laid 33 Chewicide Girls

MUSIC 5 Reinventing Axl Rose 7 Brothers of Metal 9 Star Watch

FASHION 11 Girl Trouble

FILM 21 David Cross 25 One Big Fish 27 Shortface

TECH 37 Did You Say Steak? 39 Bigger Than A Breadbox

FUN STUFF 41 Website 42 Crossword

LISTINGS 45 Show Listings

47 Brunch Late Night Karaoke Weekly Stuff Classifieds 48 The List

GOSSIP 49 A Lil’ Birdie Told Me...

Contributors Susan Antonelli Susan works as a freelancer on film crews and makes a mean grilled cheese. Cameron Ayers AKA Josh Darn. A single mother of eight, originally from Xenia, Ohio, Cameron moved to Richmond with the promise of a great job at the Wonder Bread factory. She now writes for Chew On This to supplement her income from work as a cat walker. She hopes to one day become a successful robot.

Igor Nate “Igor” Smith has been running a major E/N web site for the last 3 years called He also is currently managing the rock and roll sensations The Gaskets and is a damn fine photographer. You can check out his work at Ya heard? Alison Miller Alison is Chew’s resident expert with all things sexual. In addition to writing the great American novel and running Taboo, she’s also a card-carrying member of Suicide Girls. Her stats are 36-24-36.

Christian Detres Christian writes and illustrates for Chew On This as part of a court-ordered Anger Management program. His hobbies include stalking, voyeurism, and shouting. Don’t feed him sugar and if he asks you if you want to see his “Volcano” impression - run.

Phil Noe Phil is the photographer you keep seeing at local shows and Sticky Rice. He also shoots kids...Hey, someone has to.

Daniel Robert Epstein Daniel lives on the Upper West Side of Manhattan in New York City. He has interviewed such luminaries as Ridley Scott, David Cronenberg, John Sayles, Edie Falco, David Fincher, and Jodie Foster. In the wake of September 11th, Daniel lost his fulltime job and is now trying to make it on his own in the world of freelance writing.

Ryan Pollack Ryan was born on Neptune. He spent his formative years in the jungles of Paraguay, raiding villages and mastering the glockenspiel. After howler monkeys invaded his cabin, he convinced the monkey king to spare his life by agreeing to spend six years in Richmond’s cavernous sugar mines. There he would help destroy The Monkeys’ sworn enemies, The Aardvarks. Ryan is deeply involved in the electronic music scene and spins UK hard house.

The Filthy Apes We are the filthy ape. We were born conjoined, then separated and joined back together again. We found sex un-fulfilling separate, and were re-attached. Now we live off the fat of the land, jumping from town to town to make sure that poop and fart jokes never die. We love everyone but hate you. Kevin Gallagher Mr. Gallagher is a(n) (NOUN) who enjoys touching (NOUN) while (VERB). He was (VERB) with a(n) (ADJECTIVE), (NOUN) when he was (NUMBER) years old. Kevin held back his (NOUN) when he found his (ADJECTIVE), (NOUN) lying (ADJECTIVE) because his (ADJECTIVE) of a (NOUN) (VERB)ed his (NOUN). He likes to describe things using (ADJECTIVE)s.

Oura OURA’S name is pronounced “oo-rah.” He likes to draw things. He is your friend. Bill Rose Bill is a local drunk. Give him your money. April Sparrow April is a professional stylist, which means in between talking about Sellers and cheerleading she cuts hair using a razorblade. It only seems fitting that she manages Chew’s entire gossip division. Marnie Wolfford Marnie has been creating collages for the past 12 years and has showed in New York and Richmond. Check out her upcoming exhibit at Southern Culture in March.


No More Pain The Art of Chris Milk


Chris Milk has a knack for the visual. With color and composition he tells of feelings and thoughts that are universal. Whether these stories are told in paint or photography, the gamut is run from confusion to beauty, loneliness to the quietly sublime. He recently took time from his busy schedule to hang out and answer some questions. Anthony Harris: Chris thanks for coming by and taking the time. Chris Milk: Thank you very much. AH: I went by and saw your work at the Eggspace Gallery in Manchester. Your art feels innocent in a lot of ways, from your color choices to the subject matter. Have you had any formal art training or are you self-taught? CM: Yeah, I suppose it is innocent. I’ve got zero formal training, and therein lies the thing. Any “innocence” comes from this: because I’m innocent of the instruction, I live outside the rules, therefore this is my game, this is me, this is diary things. AH: What subjects do you find yourself continuously coming back to? CM: The classic ones. Love and fear, death and hope...serenity.




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AH: Here is an easy one, why do art? CM: At this point, it’s my only trick. I ride a lot on confidence, and painting is one of the few things where I can find my badass. You know? AH: You have been around the fringes of the Richmond art scene for awhile now. In your opinion, do feel you positive or negative about doing art in the city? CM: This city sucks dick. There is a beauty in Richmond, that goes like this: in order to really prove yourself you have to rely on your own thing. There is no one here with the power or vision to help you out, it’s your own backing, and why not? The few wonderful things about this city lie in its frustrations. I’m giving up. AH: Here is an opportuniy to give out some love, name three artists in the city you feel people should know and why. CM: Um, Corntooth is the best band in Richmond, hands down. I’m the best painter, and my sister, Catherine is the best singer. There. Chris Milk’s “No More Pain” will be showing at the Eric Shindler Gallery from March 12 thru April 23rd.

[Boondock Saints- “Veritas means Truth and Aequitas means Equality or Justice”]


Life After Television Mindcontrol Through Cereal CAMERON AYERS | CHRISTIAN DETRES

Unless you get up early enough during the weekend to catch children’s TV you probably haven’t kept up with the commercials aimed at our youth. I’m sure it has something to do with absorbing these 30 second pitches as an adult, but they seem to be missing something; some originality, some brutality, some racism and selfishness. Companies and advertisers used these themes to influence young minds for decades. A great way to get across to the target audience was to create a strange, if not psychotic, character to pimp the product. The sixties saw the emergence of many of the characters we remember today. Jay Ward, the mind and art behind Rocky and Bullwinkle, used these characters and created the likes of Cap’n Crunch, to sell cereal since the late sixties. Ward had a vastly larger budget for the Quaker and General Foods commercials than his successful TV show, which had to be produced in Mexico to save money. The success of the Cap’n and his crew made the Crunch the first cereal to have half a dozen varieties. General Mills had a boy super hero who ate Cheerios like Popeye ate spinach. It only gets stranger after that. Frito Bandito was a stereotypical Mexican with a long mustache and sombrero voiced by Mel Blanc. Frito made no friends with Hispanic groups as he ran amuck satiating his chip lust by thieving from law-abiding gringos. W.C. Fritos eventually replaced him, which is why Fritos taste so good while drinking. Does

[Boondock Saints- “Q: What does “In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti” mean?”]

anyone remember Bert “The Cowardly Lion” Lahr dressed up as the devil to sell Lay’s potato chips? It happened. “Betcha can’t eat just one.” Betcha that commercial wasn’t supposed to make me sad. Next come the truly questionable characters. The Trix rabbit is one we all remember. That lovable silly rabbit who taught us all the invaluable lesson of never sharing with people that are different from you. And who can forget Hawaiian Punch’s campaign of mindless violence. In the beginning the little guy only freaked out after being picked on, but then as commercials were shortened from 60 to 30 seconds there was no time for explanations. Bring on the random beatings. I personally know my little brother suffered from the influence of that little cartoon hooligan. As if these irresponsible spokesthings weren’t enough, there are the cartoon programs that existed for no other reason than to sell us toys crafted from the show. He-Man, Transformers, My Little Pony, and GI Joe held no redeeming value and were only half hour commercials interspersed with commercials for toys, snack foods, and collectibles based on the commercial. It doesn’t get any more fulfilling than that. So sleep in on Saturday. Commercials are nothing like that anymore. Iloveheidi.



MARCH 2004



Reinventing Axl Rose An Interview with Against Me! CHRISTIAN DETRES | PHIL NOE

Christian Detres: You guys have gained your reputation as a touring band by basically living out of a van. Exactly how much time do you spend on the road? Tom: We spent nine months on the road last year before we took a 6 day break for Thanksgiving. Went back on a mini-tour, took 3 weeks off for Christmas and have been on since then. Yeah, we’re homeless people. CD: Your sound intrigues me. I put you guys in a category of band that “breaks” a sound. Do you consider it a Gainesville thing? Are we gonna hear a lot of acoustic punk bands coming out of Florida? T: Well, we didn’t mean for it really to come out that way honestly. I have this philosophy that every good song, punk or not, can be reduced down to one guy singing with an acoustic. Stripped down to its basic level, every good song should be able to be played that way. So I guess by experimenting with it that way we found that a lot of songs sounded better that way. I don’t know if Gainesville is really following our lead with that, but it’s cool to see people appreciate it as something new. CD: I’ve seen stuff of yours come out under at least four different companies. What’s up with that? Are you gonna settle down with one label? T: We like to keep it open – work with whomever is around at the time. I guess we’ll settle down sooner




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or later. I’m glad we haven’t yet. We’ll get a better deal now. CD: All right, stock questions now. What are your influences? T: God, we’re into everything. Old school rock ‘n roll, rap, R&B, 80’s east coast punk and ironically enough, a ton of Richmond bands. We’re all into Avail and 90’s Richmond bands. My favorite band of all time is the Young Pioneers. CD: What do you think about Journey? T: What? Are you serious? The band? I don’t know… they’re good. I know all the stuff everybody knows. What kind of question is that? CD: Chew loves Journey. It’s a good thing you said you like them (glaring). Give a good groupie story before you leave. T: Okay, there was this girl – used to go to all of our shows. She used to hang out – send us e-mails. We guest listed her. She somehow got it into her head that she was my girlfriend and when she saw me talking to this other girl at a show she came up to me all angry and said, “We’ve got to talk!” After that all these people were asking the other bandmates “Is that Tom’s girlfriend?”. It was really uncomfortable. So I ignored her for the rest of the night and she yelled at me and told me that was the last show she’d ever come to. Oh well.

[Boondock Saints- “A: In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.”]

Jonathan Martin: What are you guys all about? Why must you avenge mortals?

Tommy: Well, I think it’s cool that we’re coming out when we are because people haven’t seen a band like this in a long time.

Tommy: No, we are immortals and we do avenge. Brent: We are purveyors for justice, we’re mid-evil. We are the Immortal Avengers. JM: Who are your metal gods? Everybody (shouting in unison): Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Man O War, Helloween, Slayer. Ryan: This shit they call metal these days is fucking blasphemy. We’re out to kill it. Brent: Modern day power metal does still survive in Europe though. JM: Wish you had a time machine to go back to the 80’s?

JM: Do you think Richmond is the right town for you? Ryan: We pay $150 a month for this place and we practice in the basement. But we’ll be in Hollywood by this time next year. JM: The band has only played one show so far, what’s it like? Ryan: The presence is there. There should have been more people, it was almost sold-out. Gary: Mainly the basics, double-kick, full stacks, a lot of leather, bullets, spikes. Tracy: We can’t afford any midgets as of right now.

Ryan: I think about that shit a lot.



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Star Watch Who’s the richest of them all? RYAN POLLACK | MARNIE WOLFFORD

So yeah, my column last month focused on cookies and how much I love them. I had so much fun writing about something not relating to electronic music that I decided to do it again. And by “decided,” I mean “was forced.” Only this time, I’m reporting on everyone’s favorite *cough* people: POP STARS. I shouldn’t even have to explain the names I’m about to drop. Just know that these four people make RIAA execs sleep very well at night. Just how well, you ask? You’re curious as to exactly how wealthy some of these famous pop stars are? (C’mon, pretend with me here.) Fear no more!! Ryan is here to answer




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your burning questions regarding the wealth of your favorite *cough* pop stars. Try not to drown in all the bubblegum. For this article, I’ve decided to be hardcore and put all the important names in boldface. First up is that innocent virgin, Britney Spears. Let me state for the record that I am horribly ashamed that I now have in my web browser’s cache. It’s a good thing Chew is paying me in live monkeys. Anyway, how much moolah does she make? Extensive (Google) research pegs Britney’s annual intake at about $23.3 million a year. *Placeholder: Insert witty line about how much more money that is than your average McDonald’s employee* Edging out B-Spears comes J-Lo with, according to, a haul of about $25.7 million a year. I’m extremely happy that I can’t come up with any [Boondock Saints- “Q: What is the tattoo on the brothers’ neck?”]

witty comments about how “Bennifer” would have a combined salary of about $65 million. DAMMIT, I JUST DID!!! Okay … settle down, settle down … think of the monkeys, Ryan, think of the monkeys … Besides, Britney’s partner in faux-lesbianism, Madonna, has you both beat, beeyatches. Madonna garners about $43 million a year, according to So when she made out with Britney and X-tina for about 30 seconds last year, Madge earned about forty bucks. That’s pretty damn sweet. Sometimes I wish Chew paid me with kisses rather than monkeys.

in her “wholesome” stage. In a few years she’ll get implants and fuck some coke dealer in Brooklyn; she’ll claim that her label “controlled” her and made her be “sweet” but now she can show “the real me,” which will technically be true if you replace “the real me” with “my boobs.” Increasing prostitutivity (another technical term) by 60% will net Mandy an additional 20 mil per year, easily. Okay, I feel dirty. Monkeys be damned: I hereby swear never again to do research on celebrities. I can’t even tell you how many pop-ups my browser blocked while doing all this research. I am forever tainted. I need to go take a shower.

Coming in at a paltry $2.5 million per year is Mandy Moore. To what can we attribute this pathetic nonexistence of bling-bling? Simple: lack of whoreishness (that’s a technical term, mind you). Mandy is still [Boondock Saints- “A: A Saint.”]



MARCH 2004



Model - Adrienne Illustration - Oura Photographer - Kirsten Lewis



David Cross is an essential part of the collective American comedy consciousness. Cross is one of the many talented people who, like a phoenix, rose from the ashes of The Ben Stiller Show to become a significant force in comedy. He teamed up with former Ben Stiller Show cast member/writer Bob Odenkirk for a series of stage shows named Mr. Show, which eventually was brought to TV by HBO and enjoyed an extremely funny run. Since then Cross has appeared in a number of blockbuster films such as Men in Black II, Scary Movie 2 and Dr. Dolittle 2. He also is a recurring member of the cast of the critically acclaimed FOX sitcom Arrested Development. But to experience the true Cross oeuvre you must experience the experimental comedy DVD that he recently released through Sub Pop Records called Let America Laugh. This isn’t your usual paint by numbers traditional George Carlin comedy concert experience. On this DVD we see stage comedy in nearly every major city in America interrupted by idiot hecklers, drunk girls yelling and managers who just don’t cotton to Cross’s sense of humor. Daniel Robert Epstein: I just watched your DVD again last night. What made you want to do it in that fashion instead of a HBO or Showtime special? David Cross: I didn’t think about the opportunity. I don’t think HBO would want to do anything in conjunction with Sub Pop but I never asked either. But I was not interested in just a visual record of what one would already have on the audio CD. I know some people really don’t like the DVD. DRE: It’s pretty obvious you wanted the DVD to be a more DIY type thing and it definitely feels more intimate. DC: Yeah that’s totally what I wanted. I’m not trying to make a concert film. DRE: Very often your comedy is quite political. But on the DVD every time you would get to a subject like that a heckler would interrupt you. So it seemed less political. DC: That wasn’t intentional. Maybe it was something I was happy to do because I can’t listen to it anymore. Some of those heckling parts are just great on their own plus they happened at that moment so we had to include it.

[Boondock Saints- “Q: Where did the Family Prayer come from?”]



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DRE: Are you still with [FOX sitcom] Arrested Development? DC: I’m waiting to find out. They’re shooting right now in LA. With every passing day I don’t hear something I assume I am not going back. DRE: Did you audition for that? DC: No they called me. Originally they wanted me to be Buster but I really like the Tobias part. I thought it would be good to be reoccurring so I don’t have to go to LA as much. DRE: How do you write standup? DC: I do it onstage mostly. I’ll think of the idea and then I’ll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny. Then I will go onstage and expand on it especially if I’m working towards something like a special or a CD. Then I will tape the sets and even though I’m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together. I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically. It’s just laziness really. I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I’m not very good at. DRE: What’s it like having some fans collect every piece of video footage you’ve ever been in? DC: I don’t think there is that. It’s flattering and it’s scary at the same time. Half of that shit later on I’m sure I’m going to wince at and realize that it does not age well. DRE: Do comedians even laugh at things anymore? DC: When we were on the bus doing the Mr. Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn. DRE: How was it improvising with the Upright Citizen’s Brigade in Martin & Orloff? I heard you were one of the only people to improvise for that movie. DC: As far as the improvising thing, I enjoyed working with those guys, even though the movie sucked. They’re all really funny. But I can’t imagine that I was the only person to improvise, that can’t be true. DRE: You produced Tenacious D’s HBO show; can it work as a feature length movie? DC: As for Tenacious D, of course it could work as a full length movie; all it requires is a great writer and great director with an ability to think outside of conventional film comedy. Read the full interview at




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[Boondock Saints- “A: Troy Duffy made it up.”]

1708 Gallery – 319 W. Broad, 643-1708

Lora Robbins Gallery – University of Richmond, 289-8276

Agecroft Hall & Gardens – 4305 Sulgrave Rd, 353-4241

Main St Gallery – 1537 W. Main, 359-3499

Artemis Gallery – 1601 W. Main, 353-2676

Marsh Art Gallery – University of Richmond, 289-8279

Artists Downtown Access – 228 W. Broad, 644-0100

Maymont – 1700 Hampton St, 358-7166

Artspace – 6 E. Broad, 782-8672

Museum of the Confederacy – 201 E. Clay St, 648-1861

Astra Gallery – 3141 W. Cary, 257-5467

Orange Door Gallery– 12 W. Broad, 648-7771

Black History Museum – 00 Clay St, 780-9093

Richmond History Center – 1015 E. Clay, 649-0711

Brazier Gallery – 3401 W. Cary, 359-2787

Richmond Public Library – 101 E. Franklin, 646-4740

Chasen Gallery – 3554 W. Cary, 204-1048

Science Museum of Virginia – 2500 W. Broad, 864-1400

Children’s Museum of Richmond – 2626 W. Broad, 470-7010

The University of Richmond Museum – University of Richmond, 289-8276

Corporate & Museum Frame – 301 W. Broad, 643-6858

Upcast Gallery – 321 Brook Rd, 225-7171

Cudahy’s – 1314 E. Cary, 782-1776

Uptown Gallery – 1305 W. Main, 353-8343

Dementi Studios – 3851 Springfield Rd, 648-9003 For Art’s Sake Gallery – 3451 W. Cary, 353-8101 Hand Workshop Art Center – 1812 W. Main, 353-094 Ink Tattoo & Art – 1825A W. Main, 359-4755 John Muir Gallery–6 N. Sixth St. Suite 102, 594-0855 Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens – 1800 Lakeside Ave, 262-9887

Virginia Aviation Museum – International Airport, 236-3622 Virginia Holocaust Museum – 2000 E. Cary St, 257-5400 Virginia Historical Society – 428 N. Boulevard, 358-4901 Virginia Museum – 2800 Grove Ave, 340-1400 Virginia Science Museum – 2500 W. Broad, 864-1400 Visual Art Studio – 208 W. Broad, 644-1368

Library of Virginia – 800 E. Broad, 692-3592

Byrd Theatre – 2908 W. Cary St, 353-9911 Carmike 10 – 1100 Alverser Dr, 897-0888 Commonwealth 20 – 5001 Commonwealth, 744-2600 Crossings Cinema – 5246 Oaklawn Blvd, 458-0555 Ethyl IMAX Dome & Planetarium – 2500 W. Broad St, 864-1400 Regal Chester Cinemas – 13025 Jefferson Davis Highway, 796-5911 Regal Short Pump 14 – 11650 W. Broad St, 360-0947

Regal Southpark Cinema 6 – 374 Southpark Mall, 526-8100 Regal Virginia Center 20 – 10091 Jeb Stuart Pkwy, 261-5411 Regal Westhampton Theatre – 5706 Grove Ave, 288-9007 UA Chesterfield Town Center – 11500 Midlothian Tnpk, 379-7800 UA West Tower – 8998 W. Broad St, 270-7111



I spent three months in Alabama working on Tim Burton’s most recent film, Big Fish. These are the questions I get asked most often. 10. How big is the giant? Matthew is 7’6”, loved to hang at the local bar and would patiently answer endless questions from locals. That’s how I found out that he is not the biggest person in the world, but his feet are the largest on record. His socks are made from two socks, cut and sewn together. His shoes are also custom made. 9. What’s Tim Burton like? Of course I worship the man, but as one of nearly 100 crew members working on his set, I tried to lay low and be professional. He seems very focused, but still has an amazing sense of humor. 8. Did you meet Ewan McGregor? My heart skipped a beat when he said, “I haven’t met you yet. I’m Ewan,” and shook my hand. I also nearly broke this same hand of his when I barged through a door at a party and he was coming through the other way. (He was nice about it) 7. What’s the deal with the Siamese twins? “Ping and Jing” wore specially constructed conjoined costumes. During short breaks they would carefully walk around (literally) joined at the hip. Their “extra” legs were taken out with digital effects.

6. Where was the town of Spectre? Spectre was completely built by our carpenters. Sod was laid by the greens department and keeping it perfect with the crew trampling it was nearly an impossible task. The set was located on Jackson Island, in a lake filled with dead trees that looked like a place straight out of a Tim Burton fantasy. 5. Was that really the freaky guy from “Deliverance”? Yes. Billy, now a grown man, can be seen sitting on a porch in the town of Spectre, reprising the dueling banjo-playing role from his teenage years. 4. Were those real daffodils outside of Sandy’s sorority house? Yes. They brought in truckloads of fresh daffodils and grouped them in bouquets that were stuck into the ground. It was the biggest headache for the Greens department, besides the grass in Spectre. 3. How much does the fat man weigh? The man being bathed by Ewan (with a push broom) weighs around 450 pounds. I heard he recently lost 200 pounds. 2. What is there to do in Alabama? Drink. And we did. 1.Tell me more about the midgets and dwarves? This experience has showed me just how many people out there have this sick obsessions. I will not be an enabler.

[Make Your Own Zine- “Zine titles should consist of 1 to 4 random words that ‘just sound cool.’”]



MARCH 2004



Shortface Peter Dinklage and The Station Agent KEVIN GALLAGHER

The advancement of black actors in film has moved through three phases. At first, in the “typecast” phase, black actors were confined to roles as servants and laborers. If a black character had a more substantial role in a film, a white actor in blackface would play the part. As time passed black actors were able to play the more significant characters and move into the second “awareness” phase. However, most of these “better” roles required that in the context of the story the characters must be placed in reference to their blackness. This was the case with such films as Pinky and Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner. Later, with the help of films like Night of the Living Dead, black actors were able to move into roles where they could just exist as characters. Now that they are in the “acceptance” phase, performers like Angela Bassett can be an actress not just a black actress. Which is not to say that there isn’t a long way to go, but there is a group that is still just trying to work their way into the second phase of roles. That group is dwarfs. Many dwarfs have found careers in the entertainment business throughout human history. From dwarf tossing to freak shows, they have relied on their size to make a name for themselves. So naturally when cinema came around they were subjected to the same level of entertainment value. Dwarfs have for the most part been used in films for comedic effect such as with the Austin Powers films, or for a sense of surrealism as in the Wizard of OZ. Presently, when dwarfs are not being used as sight gags and are given deeper roles, the characters are




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played in shortface such as John Leguizamo in Moulin Rouge or Gary Oldman in Tiptoes. This is just as insulting as having Al Jolson dressed up in blackface in The Jazz Singer. Fortunately, things are starting to move into the second phase. With the help of actor Peter Dinklage dwarfs are starting to get better roles but of course only in reference to their dwarfism. Dinklage started his film career in Living In Oblivion and in this role his character references the stupidity of using dwarfs for surrealist effect. But his most effective role has been as Finbar in the recent film The Station Agent. His character was full and well played. He was able to have intimate relationships with the other characters but since this is only an awareness phase film, his size was often the most important thing. The question for dwarfs is if they will ever be able to maneuver their way into the acceptance phase. Most minorities have a cultural background to retreat to and build from once they have removed themselves enough from the majority oppression. Dwarfs, on their other hand, can come from any cultural background. Perhaps without this more unified identity dwarfs will never be able to just exist on screen as casual participants in the story.

[Make Your Own Zine- “All submissions should be published, otherwise you’re a snob.”]





B E LT S & B U C K L E S





Peas & Carrots

Dungeons & Dragons

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber? MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables? Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****? MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that. Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes. (pause) MommyMelissa: is that it? Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch. Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce? MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me? (pause) Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily. Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains. MommyMelissa: Grain doesn’t really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis. Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots. Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT. MommyMelissa: ... Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love. MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I’m outta here. Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can’t see. *****. MommyMelissa: whatever.

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight? BritneySpears14: Aight. bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah. BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja. bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat. BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up. bloodninja: Me too baby. BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest. bloodninja: I cast Lvl 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman. BritneySpears14: Hey... bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl 8 Penis of the Infinite. BritneySpears14: Funny I still don’t see it. bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty of the Beyondness. BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous. bloodninja: Don’t **** with me biznitch, I’m the mightiest sorcerer of the lands. bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl 2 Druid. BritneySpears14: Don’t ever message me again you piece. bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal. bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik’s evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him. bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it’s getting hard now. bloodninja: Baby?




MARCH 2004

[Make Your Own Zine- “Not editing or proofreading a zine makes it more indie.”]


Special Delivery

SoulSlayer3000: hey! SoulSlayer3000: im 16/m/Cali Bballgrl4598: 17/f/ca here SoulSlayer3000: awesome SoulSlayer3000: want to cyber? Bballgrl4598: yea SoulSlayer3000: cool, im a pirate but i doubt that matters Bballgrl4598: if u lead SoulSlayer3000: I slowly take off your shirt and massage your breasts while muttering “yarr” Bballgrl4598: I slip off my skirt and your pants and lay naked on the floor SoulSlayer3000: I pull off my peg leg slowly and begin to rub it on your clitoris while taking off my eyepatch SoulSlayer3000: yarr this feels good SoulSlayer3000: want to feel my mastpole? SoulSlayer3000: lick the crows nest? Bballgrl4598: oh yes SoulSlayer3000: I lay my parrot on your chest and let it peck your nipples, hard from the ocean breeze SoulSlayer3000: do you like that? Bballgrl4598: mm hmm SoulSlayer3000: this isnt working for me... must have been the seawater I drank earlier. will u be a pirate too? Bballgrl4598: lol im into cyber, but this pirate offense, is just not a turn on SoulSlayer3000: argghhh wait SoulSlayer3000: i can do better, lassie SoulSlayer3000: please? Bballgrl4598: lol! no im sorry, your doing fine, its just the pirate theme is kinda fucked up. so are u lol. SoulSlayer3000: just a little more SoulSlayer3000: im almost about to cum SoulSlayer3000: please? Bballgrl4598: keep goin then you freak SoulSlayer3000: I slam my “harpoon” into your cavernous depths like a coral reef penetrated by a massive barnicle-ridden moray eel. SoulSlayer3000: will u come with me to my pirate wonderland? SoulSlayer3000: in the sky? SoulSlayer3000: ? SoulSlayer3000: my pet sea otter Jizzbiscuit will lead the way Bballgrl4598: leave me alone please i dont want to play pirate anymore you are fucked up seriously

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber? DirtyKate: K, but don’t tell anybody DirtyKate: Who are you? Bloodninja: I’ve got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John’s in my Geo Storm. DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car.. Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John’s and make an order DirtyKate: Haha! OK DirtyKate: Hello! I’d like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce. Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, “Hello, this is Papa John’s, how may I help you”, then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that’s an X-Large. What toppings do you want? DirtyKate: I want everything, baby! Bloodninja: Is this a delivery? DirtyKate: Umm...Yes DirtyKate: So you’re bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I’m home alone...and I think I’ll take a shower... Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I’ll drive to your house. **pause** DirtyKate: I’m almost finished with my shower... Hurry up! Bloodninja: You can’t hurry good pizza. Bloodninja: I’m on my way now though **pause** DirtyKate: So you’re at my front door now. Bloodninja: How did you know? Bloodninja: I knock but you can’t hear me cause you’re in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table. Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I’m as hot as a pizza oven DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I’m all wet and cold. Warm me up baby Bloodninja: So you’re still in the bathroom? DirtyKate: Yeah, I’m wrapping a towel around myself. Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door.... DirtyKate: What the f**k? DirtyKate: You perverted piece of s**t DirtyKate: F**k

[Make Your Own Zine- “The main focus of a zine should be how much the editor’s life sucks.”]



MARCH 2004



Jobs That Get You Laid ALISON MILLER

Trying to get laid, but the wardrobe-upgrades, new haircuts, and well-planned witty conversations are not working? Think that you’ve done all you can do? Why not try switching careers? To men everywhere I present my thoroughly researched list of JOBS THAT GET YOU LAID. Bartender - You are not only giving her something she’s craving, you’re getting her drunk. By the end of the night a girl can sometimes mistake a bartender serving a shot of jager for a god offering a glass of ambrosia straight from Mount Olympus. Overnight camp counselor - Picture a girl alone in the woods with a guy she’s just seen interact caringly with children and forge a path through the forest. Now realize that she hasn’t had sex since she began working there a month ago. Guy in Band - Singers seem powerful, drummers have rhythm, bassists are intense and guitarists can do amazing things with their fingers. That aside, most girls are all about being “with the band.” Tattoo Artist - Tattoo artists have just as many groupies as guys in bands. Free tattoos don’t hurt either. Divorce Lawyer - He is not only there for her when she’s just lost her love, but he’s snappily dressed and trying to get her more money. Fireman - They’re just really hot. Construction Worker - Yeah, we say that we don’t like dirty, sweaty guys yelling compliments at us from across the street… but they’re dirty, sweaty guys yelling compliments at us from across the street. Do you think we’ve never fantasized about inviting one in? Beer Truck Driver - My friends say I’m alone on this one but I’m sure I can’t be.* A guy in tight pants maneuvering a truck full of beer. What’s not to love? Computer Programmer - The computer programmer is the shining white knight of the 21st century. We can’t help but need him. Shoe Salesman - Forget “Married With Children” and think “Sex and the City.” Artist/Writer - They’re profound. And they’re usually broke and emotionally disabled and for reasons we have yet to figure out, we love that. *While writing this article a friend called and I mentioned the beloved beer truck driver. She became very excited and gushed about hot beer guys for ten minutes. Told you so. I hope that my list has helped...for my sake as well as yours. I know that the world would be a better place with more beer truck drivers and firemen.




MARCH 2004

[Make Your Own Zine- “Content a little dry? Try swearing.”]

Door Beads • Tapestries • Posters Stickers • Incense • Body Oils T-Shirts • Women’s Apparel Sandals & More!

Visit us at: Picasso Moon Imports • Richmond, VA 9734 Midlothian Trnpk 1-800-249-5556


Chewicide Girls

SuicideGirl - Marla

Photography - Jonathan Martin


Did You Say Steak? Cannibalism for the Connoisseur THE FILTHY APES EMPORIUM OF FUN

Ah, the human body, especially the female form, supple amounts of cushion and curve in places capable of sending us into throws of passion. If you were to ask us the male form is comprised of only hard lines reminiscent of our poop in the morning. So this brings us to the subject at hand, the meat. If you haven’t been up-to-date, cannibalism is making a comeback as a fashionable thing. Some guy eating this other guy’s tube steak, and some lady consuming her own placenta with her friends and family, so what’s all the fuss about? We would like to analyze all the pros and cons of eating your annoying neighbor and his girlfriend. Pros 1. As any movie going sucker can tell you, eating your friend and or enemy makes you stronger and possibly immortal. (Oh fun) 2. Whilst or before eating you can get to know your dinner and find out what they think of the upcoming presidential election. 3. Whenever your date says the classy phrase, “you’re so cute I could just eat you” you can say, “ok” and mean it. 4. Eating international cuisine has a new meaning, anybody for Chinese tonight? 5. If someone really pisses you off you can still invite him or her for dinner. 6. Hey, ever wondered if that bone organ from The Goonies really works? Now you can find out porky!! (AAAARRRRRGGGG!!!) 7. Redefines old country buffet, can you say old folks home? (mmmmm, you can taste the atrophy!!) 8. Hey, don’t they say that hotdogs are made of lips and assholes? Let’s find out!! 9. Pound for pound it’s much cheaper than beef. 10. Everyone loves Hannibal, “slurrrp slurrrp!!!” 11. Definitely Atkins diet friendly 12. You might be able to get a Ruffies sponsership, they would love you. (They have more money then God, Jesus, and Bill Gates combined!!) Cons 1. You may end up getting popped in the pooper by bubba in prison. Although they may not ask you to toss their salad, or kiss winky for that matter. 2. Got to watch out for vegans or vegetarians, they taste like grass. 3. We live in America; unfortunately the stock of low fat meat is pretty small. Nothing like cutting through that gut that those fat fuckers manage to build up. 4. God, and the kitchen clean up, forget about it. There’s not enough scour pads in all of Richmond, and skulls are definitely not dishwasher safe. 5. Your local butcher might not have that nifty cut chart on the wall for you to follow (get a god damn biology degree losers!!) 6. Those damn Germans are making it harder and harder everyday. 7. If you’re religious, God might begin to hate you. 8. Sometimes people are more fun alive. 9. Like corn, human teeth do not digest, damn tooth riddled dookies!! 10. You might one up “real” vampires and be hailed as their leader, no sex there. Sorry, we were struggling for bad points. So as another session ends please let us know when you find that Angus-like piece of meat so we can ensure its fruitful breeding for future hungry brethren.




MARCH 2004

[Make Your Own Zine- “Short of content? Print and photocopy the website of your choice.”]


Bigger Than A Breadbox Scion xB Review LANDER SALZBERG

The Scion xB looks like a breadbox. Even so, the concept is an interesting one. Toyota created an independent company [Scion] to market a new line of autos aimed at the import-car kids. They publish a sweet little mag, produce a line of DJ sampler cd’s, throw events and parties, and then sell the car with all the aftermarket parts a gear-head could dream of. The lineup includes the xA, a 4-door hatchback, the tC, a 2-door sporty type, and the xB. The xB drove like a small peppy Toyota should. It seemed well built and will probably turn out to be a very reliable car. And with a starting price under $15,000 you’ll be seeing these little toasters scootin’ all around town. For more information visit or your local Toyota dealer.




MARCH 2004

[Make Your Own Zine- “Ironic” clipart from the 50’s is inherently funny and therefore mandatory.”]


Website of the Month IGOR

Yeah, that’s right, sixty 1’s. This is one of the most insane propagandist sites I have ever encountered. Tons of anti-Bush, counter culture artwork, that seems to go on forever. You just keep clicking ENTER trying to get into a site that may or may not actually exist. But the journey there is extremely twisted, thought provoking and beautiful. Make sure you have your sound turned up as loud as possible, and search around for things to click. This site is out of control.




MARCH 2004

[Make Your Own Zine- “Blackened generic band pictures also improve credibility.”]

Chew On This Crossword Quick, December 15, 2003

Created by EP 1








9 11




















© The Sydney Morning Herald

ACROSS 1. Despondent; miserable (11) 7. and 28-across Become very angry (3,3) 10. Fit of rage (7) 11. An exclamation of joy, applause or the like (6) 12. Stronghold; citadel (6) 13. Became worse again; deteriorated (8) 14. Administer; control (6) 16. Adjourn; defer (7) 18. Beg (7) 21. Make happy (6) 22. Dish used in cooking (8) 24. To prohibit; a fugitive (6) 26. A flag (6) 27. Illegal (7) 28. See 7-across 29. Sent on (11)

[Make Your Own Zine- “Broad, cynical sarcasm such as this is usually a good substitute for intelligent critique.”]

DOWN 2. Exclude (9) 3. Group of nine performers (5) 4. Serious; dedicated (7) 5. Comments (7) 6. Breathes out (7) 8. Delete (5) 9. Finish (8) 15. Attractive (8) 17. Take apart (9) 19. Type of ruler (7) 20. Strain (7) 21. Difficult situation (7) 23. Diminish (5) 25. Implicit; understood (5)



MARCH 2004


Club Velvet


Shockoe Bottom’s ONLY Adult Entertainment Club $2000 a week guaranteed No Experience Needed 18 or older Call 334-5250




1211 W. Main St. Richmond, VA 23220

New evening menu! Open Mic Nite! Thurs. 8-11 M-TH: 7:30am to 7pm Fri: 7:30am to 3pm

804-355-BREW (2739)

Sound Of Music Studios Presents...

BLACK CAT MARCH 2 - Vic Thrill, Morris 9PM / $7 4 - Joan of Arc, Love of Everything, Make Believe 9PM / $7 5 - Wooly Mammoth, The Five Maseratis, Come Down 930PM / $7 6 - The Undertones 930PM / $15 7 - Alaska, The National 9PM / $7 9 - “Sound of Tokyo, NY” w/ Retada (of Ultra Bide), Steve Eto, VJ Hiroaki 9PM / $7 10 - The Capitol Years, Crimson Sweet 9PM / $7 11 - Denali, Murder By Death, Laguardia 830PM / $10 12 - Trans AM (cd release), 302 Acid (cd release), The Frequency (cd release) 930PM / $10 13 - Mike Doughty (ex-Soul Coughing) 930PM / $13Adv-$15Door 14 - Lubricated Goat, Electric Turn To Me 9PM / $5 15 - British Sea Power, Kaito UK 830PM / $12 16 - Kounty Line Killers, The Screeches 9PM / $5 18 - Black Heart Procession, Enon 830PM / $12 18 - Independents Day! Akashic Books, Seven Stories Press, and Soft Skull Press literary event w/ readings by Dennis Cooper, Linh Dinh, Robert Arellano, Benjamin Weissman, and others 8PM / $5 22 - Mikroknytes, Accelera Deck, Satellite Grooves 9PM / $5 23 - The Decemberists, Clearlake 830PM / $10 24 - The Fever, The Rogers Sisters 9PM / $7 25 - Broken Social Scene, Stars 830PM / $13Adv-$15Door 26 - Black Eyes, Like Language 930PM / $7 27 - Gogol Bordello 930PM / $10 28 - The Sleepy Jackson, Earlimart, On The Speakers 830PM / $10 29 - Stellastar*, The Killers, Ambulance 830PM / $10 29 - Panthers, TV On The Radio 9PM / $8 30 - Delgados, Malcolm Middleton (of Arab Strap), Sluts of Trust 830PM / $10Adv-$12Door 31 - Electrelane, Sons & Daughters (mem. of Arab Strap) 9PM / $7

THE CANAL CLUB MARCH 12 - Dada with Melbourne 830PM / $12Adv-$14Door 13 - Crucial Elements w/ special guest 830PM / $5 19 - The Toasters 830PM / $10Adv-$12Door 20 - Richard Elliot, Two Shows 630PM & 9PM / $32 25 - Jordan Knight (Former Lead Singer of New Kids on the Block) w/ Jerry Reid 8PM / $12.50Adv$15Door-$35VIP 26 - Melissa Ferrick 830PM / $10Adv-$12Door 27 - Regan w/ Sam Fisher 830PM / $7Adv-$9Door

321 W. Broad St.

ALLEY KATZ MARCH 2 - Audio Karate, Tokyo Rose, Big Collapse 4 - Zetamale, Cardia w/ special guest 8PM / $6 5 - Undr8ed, Rufus Brown w/ special guest 9PM / $5 6 - Mae, Copeland, The Working Title, Slow Day Coming 5PM / $10 6 - The Lotus, Southside Funk Brothers 10PM / $5 9 - ALASKA! feat members of Folk Implosion & Sebadoh 7PM / $5 11 - Stinking Lizaveta, Darediablo, Suzukiton 9PM / $6Adv-$8Door 12 - McGuffin CDRelease, Moosa, Crucial Elements, 11th House 9PM / $5 13 - Trans Am, Denali, Murder By Death, Laguardia 8PM / $10 26 - Stellastarr, The Killers, Ambulance, Conshafter 9PM / $10Adv-$12Door 27 - The Bart Chucker Band Video Shoot 9PM

THE NORVA MARCH 2 - Big Head Todd & The Monsters 8PM / $15 3 - Better Than Ezra, Ingram Hill 9PM / $10 5 - Rhythm Pigs (featuring Dave Hlubek founding member of Molly Hatchet) w/ special 9PM / $8 6 - Indigo Girls, Cordero 9PM / $25 7 - Belly Dance Superstars, Desert Roses 730PM / $17.50 8 - Soil, Manmade God, Revery 8PM / $10 9 - Elephant Man, Kiprich, Kidd Walker 9PM / $25 10 - The Strokes 8PM / $25 11 - Dada, Fighting Gravity 8PM / $12.50 12 - G. Love & Special Sauce w/ special guest 9PM / $15 13 - Three Days Grace, Lo-Pro, Edgewater 9PM / $12 17 - Phunk Junkeez, Saint Dog from Kottonmouth Kings, Mower, Last Laugh, Duburbia 730PM / $10 18 - 12 Stones, Skillet, Pillar, Grits, Big Dismal 730PM / $17.50 19 - Train 9PM / $22.50 20 - Cowboy Mouth w/ 2 special guests 9PM / $12.50 23 - Indigenous w/ Special Guest 8PM / $15 25 - Method Man w/ special guest 9PM / $20 26 - Jordan Knight, Jerry Reid 730PM / $15 29 - Phantom Planet with 2 Special Guests 7PM / $12.50 31 - Nickel Creek, Mindy Smith 8PM / $20


Supporting the Richmond Sound and Music Scene Since 1994.

9:30 CLUB MARCH 3 - James Brown, $50 4 - The Winterfresh SnoCore Tour featuring TRAPT w/ Smile Empty Soul, Finger Eleven, Strata 7pm / $15 5 - Paul Kelly w/ Charlotte Martin 6pm / $15 5 - The Cooper Temple Clause w/ Calla 10pm / $15 6 - The Mavericks w/ BR5-49 $35 7 - Mest w/ Fallout Boy, Matchbook Romance, Dynamite Boy 7pm / $15 10 - Tooth & Nail Tour featuring Anberlin w/ MeWithoutYou, Watashi Wa, Emery 7pm / $12 13 - George Clinton & The P-Funk Allstars $35 14 - G. Love & Special Sauce $25 15 - Aussie Invasion Tour featuring The Vines & Jet w/ The Living End & Neon 7pm / $25 16 - Three Days Grace $9.91 17 - Great Big Sea w/ The Push Stars $20 19 - Cowboy Mouth 8pm / $15 20 - The Pietasters w/ Avoid One Thing $12 22 - Puddle of Mudd w/ Classic Case Sold Out 23 - Saves the Day & Grandaddy w/ The Fire Theft & Dios $25 25 - Melissa Etheridge 7pm / $75 26 - Melissa Etheridge 7pm / Sold Out 27 - Melissa Etheridge 7pm / Sold Out 28 - Melissa Etheridge 7pm / $75

NANCI RAYGUN MARCH 4 - Richmatic 10PM / $3 5 - RPG, Nighttime Dealers, Hard Lessons 9PM / $5 6 - The Daycare Swindlers, Les Baton Rouge, The Social Dropouts 5PM / $6 9 - Premonitions of War, End, Akeldama 6PM / $6 11 - Tooth & Nail Tour featuring Anberlin w/ MeWithoutYou, Watashi Wa, Emery 530pm / $10Adv-$13Door 12 - The Pietasters, The ShakeDowns 6PM / $12 13 - Mary Prankster 5PM / $7 Low Fat, Pyne, Cut the Architects Hand, Not Yet Fallen 10PM / $5 14 - Bayside, Madcap, Army of Me, Few and Far Between 5PM / $6 15 - Jeffrey Lewis 10PM / $5 18 - Richmatic 10PM / $3 26 - Def Jux 3 Tour- feat. Mr. Lif, RJD2, Murs, Akrobatic, Preceptionists, Rob Sonic, Sa Smash 8PM / $5 30 - The Unseen, The Virus (farewell tour) 6PM / $8

SHOW VENUES Alley Katz 10 Walnut Alley • 643-2816 Nanci Raygun 929 W. Grace St. • 353.4263 McCormack’s Irish Pub 12 N. 18th Street • 648.1003 Emilio’s Tapas Bar 1847 W. Broad St. • 359-1224 Club 534 534 N. Harrison St. • 353-9670 The Canal Club 1545 E. Cary St. • 643-2582 OUT OF TOWN Black Cat 1811 14th St. NW DC • 202-667-7960 9:30 Club 815 V St. NW DC • 202-3-930-930 The Nation 1015 Half St. SE DC • 202-554-1500 The Norva 317 Monticello Ave. • Norfolk, VA 757-627-4500 • The Boathouse 119 Park Ave. • Norfolk, VA 757-625-1445 • Hooplas 5760 N. Hampton Blvd. • VA Beach, VA 757-460-2100 • Peabodys 209 21th St. • VA Beach, VA 757-422-6212 Tokyo Rose 2171 Ivy Rd • Charlottesville, VA 804-295-ROSE Jaxx 6355 Rolling Rd. • West Springfield, VA 703-569-5940 • The Ottobar 2549 N. Howard St. • Baltimore, MD 410-662-0069 • The Sidebar 218 E. Lexington St. • Baltimore, MD 410-659-4130 •





Devil’s Workshop - Bogart’s Information Technology - Chopstix Sushi Heaven - Sticky Rice Open-Mic Night - Cafe Diem


Bootscooter - Babes DJ Williams - Cafe Diem The Grove - Cary St. Cafe Pat O’Brien - Easy Street Bio Ritmo/Modern Grove Syndicate Emilio’s (Alternating Tuesdays) Terry Murphy Trio - Hard Shell


Special Ed & the Short Bus - Cary St. Cafe Hump Day - Corner Cafe Electroclash - Club 534 9:55 Club Comedy Show - Chugger’s Stars of the Millennium - Halo Princess Complex - Rare Olde Times


Richmatic - Nanci Raygun MC Showcase - Chopstix Open Mic Night - Crossroads Deep House Music - Emilio’s Open Mic Night - Puddin’ Heads Hip Hop House Party - Richbrau Frequency Party - Sauce Steve Mabry - Taphouse


Mikemetic - Hardshell Cheers - Browns Island DJ Will and Kjell - Europa The Reflex - Godfrey’s [1st & 3rd Fri only] ComedySportz Improv - Comedy Alley Stand-up Comedians - Comedy Zone Friday Night House Music - Sauce


Mikemetic - Hardshell Martini Lounge - Thai Room DJ Will and Kjell - Europa DJ Krames and Joe Bank$ - Chopstix Andy, Cindy and Thensome - Rare Olde Times Paul Walton & Tommy Clark - Taphouse


Dragshow - Babe’s [1st sunday only] Neighbor’s Appreciation - Corner Cafe S.I.N. Night - Richbrau Piedmont Souprize - Southern Culture

The Border Chophouse and Bar Buddy’s Cafe Diem The Corner Cafe Easy Street Cafe The Hill Cafe Joe’s Inn Metro Grill Millie’s Sidewalk Cafe Southern Culture Strawberry Street Cafe

LATE NIGHT 3rd Street Diner 4th Street Cafe Bandito’s Capital Ale House Cafe Diem Easy Street Cafe Joe’s Inn Mojo’s Sidewalk Cafe Star-lite

KARAOKE! Mon - Emilio’s, Penny Lane, Potter’s Pub, Shenanigans Tues - Sticky Rice, Caddy’s Wed - Bandito’s, Babe’s, Bottom Line, Caddy’s, Shamrock Pub, Mojo’s, BW3 in the bottom Thurs - Chuggers, Bottoms Up, Awful Arthur’s, Caddy’s, Sideline Cafe, BW3 W. Broad, Visions Dance Club Fri - Daddio’s Grille, Shamrock Pub Sat - Break Time Sports Bar Sun - Break Time Sports Bar, Caddy’s

CLASSIFIEDS McPherson Tile Inc. - (804) 307-8066 Chris McPherson - Licensed Guaranteed Classified space available - $10/month email


Comedy Alley 7115 Staples Mill Rd. • 266-9377

Millie’s 2603 E. Main St. • 643-5512

2525 Cafe 2525 W. Main St. • 204-2525

Comedy Club 109 S. 12th St. • 643-5653

Mojo’s 733 Cary St. • 644-6676

The Comedy Zone 6233 Staplesmill Rd. • 262-9652

Mulligan’s in the Fan 1323 W. Main St. • 353-8686

Commercial Taphouse 111 N. Robinson St. • 359-6544

McCormacks Irish Pub 12 N. 18th Street • 648-1003

3rd Street Diner 218 E. Main St. • 788-4750 4th Street Cafe 9 N. 4th St. • 648-2838 After Six 1708 E. Main St. • 780-2344 Avalon 2619 W. Main St. • 353-9709 Babes 3166 W. Cary St. • 355-9330 Baja Bean Co. 1520 W. Main St. • 257-5445 Bandito’s 2905 Patterson Ave. • 354-9999

Crossroads 217 W. Cary St. • 643-2060 Curbside Cafe 2525 W. Hanover St. • 355-7008 Chuggers 900 W. Franklin St. • 353-8191 Cosmopolitan 3156 W. Cary St. • 355-5527 Capital Ale House 623 E. Main St. • 643-2537 The Doghouse 1719 E. Main St. • 644-3004

Barcode 6 E. Grace St. • 648-2040

Easy Street Cafe 2401 W. Main St. • 355-1198

Bogart’s Back Room 203 N. Lombardy St. • 353-9280

Emilio’s Tapas Bar 1847 W. Broad St. • 359-1224

Bottom Line 1814 E. Main St. • 644-5944

Europa 1409 E. Cary St. • 643-0911

Bottoms Up Pizza 1700 Dock St. • 644-4400 Breakers 9127 W. Broad St. • 270-1461 Brown’s Island S. 7th St. • 643.2826 The Border Chophouse and Bar 1501 W. Main St. • 355-2907 Buddy’s Place 325 N. Robinson St. • 355-3701 Buffalo Wild Wings 7801 W. Broad St. • 672-8732 The Corner Cafe 800 N. Cleveland • 355-1954 Catch 22 1718 E. Main St. • 343-1560 Cafe Diem 600 N. Sheppard St. • 353-2500 The Canal Club 1545 E. Cary St. • 643-2582 Cary Street Cafe 2631 W. Cary St. • 353-7445 Chopstix 3129 W. Cary St. • 358-7027

Mamma ‘Zu 501 S. Pine St. • 788-4205 The Nanci Raygun 929 W. Grace St. • 353-4263 O’Briensteins 1548 E. Main St. • 648-6271 Out of Bounds 2701 W. Broad St. • 355-7390 Penny Lane Pub 207 N. 7th Street • 780-1682 Poe’s Pub 2706 E. Main St. • 500-7856 Rare Old Times 10602 Patterson Ave. • 750-1346 Richbrau Brewing Company 1214 E. Cary St. • 644-3018 Secrets in the City 2001 E. Franklin St. • 343-1617

Fieldens 2033 W. Broad • 359-1963

Sidewalk 2101 W. Main St. • 358-0645

Godfrey’s 308 E. Grace St. • 648-3957

Sine Irish Pub 1327 E. Cary St. • 649-7767

Grove Ave. Coffee and Tea Co. 5802 Grove Ave. • 288-6211

Southern Culture 2229 W. Main St. • 355-6939

Have a Nice Day Cafe 11 S. 18th St. • 771-1700 Hard Shell Cafe 1411 E. Cary St. • 643-2333 Hill Cafe 2800 E. Broad St. • 648-0360 Ipanema 917 W. Grace • 213-0170 Joe’s Inn 205 N. Shields Ave. • 355-2282 Legend Brewery 321 W. Seventh St. • 232-8871 Main Street Beer Company 1911 W. Main St. • 358-9620 Metro Grill 301 N. Robinson St. • 353-4453

Strawberry Street Cafe 421 N. Strawberry St. • 353-6860 Sticky Rice 2232 W. Main St. • 358.7870 Star-Lite 2600 W. Main St. • 254-2667 Tiki Bob’s Cantina 110 N. 18th St. • 644-9091 The Tobacco Company 1201 E. Cary St. • 782-9555 Tonic 14 North 18th St. • 648-4300 Wildcats 9 North 17th Street


A Lil’ Birdie Told Me... Monthly Gossip APRIL SPARROW

It’s pretty sad when divorce is even present in “fairytale land.” That’s right folks Barbie and Ken are officially divorced. The ugly battle in court over the wardrobe will hopefully be resolved when the new dolls “Bobby and Ken” are released. Oh come on, you know he’s gay, he’s always been. What straight man always keeps his body that in check, wears briefs, and keeps his hair perfectly parted to the right! In the real world J.Lo has been reportedly hanging out with latin stud Eduardo Verastegui who worked with her in a video and gave her a shoulder to cry on after her P.Diddy breakup. Doesn’t she need some time alone after 2 divorces, 3 breakups, and realizing she has absolutely NO talent? I suggest to J.Lo some ME time. About the Janet “boob” issue, I don’t think much about it! I think if Justin were trying to one up Britney Spears’ kiss with Madonna, maybe kissing Michael Jackson onstage would have been better. A little peak at nipple jewelry just can’t outdo two hot women kissing onstage, singing “Like A Virgin”! To all you Angelina Jolie fans out there, (I am definitely included), she is dating her ex-husband, no not Billy Bob, but her first husband Jonny Lee Miller, whom she met on the set of Hackers in 1995. We’ll see what happens! Ladies and gentlemen Paris Hilton is in love and talking about marriage! I mean this chick got Nick Carter a birthday cake with her own picture on it and took it to the studio where he was recording with his group The Backstreet Boys, who are trying to make a comeback! God help us! If they knew what was good from them they’d keep their super happy asses in the studio and let us enjoy The Darkness for awhile! Ya heard!




MARCH 2004

GALAXY DINER “Home of the fried pickle” In the heart of Carytown 3109 W.Cary 804-213-0510 A cosmic theme Diner with a twist. Friendly, Fried, and Far Out Full Bar Serving Breakfast Anytime

Coming In April

Chew On This is available at these fine locations: Downtown: 1421 3rd St. Diner 4th St. Café Accapella Awful Arthur’s Alley Katz The Bottom Line Bottom Billards Bottoms Up Pizza Dog House East End Dermagraphics Gutenberg The Hill Café Kulture Clothing Matt’s Pub McCormack’s Millie’s NV Phat Bros. Penny Lane Poe’s Pub River City Diner Red Dragon Shockoe Espresso Velvet Fan: 821 Café 2525 All Star Deli Avalon Banditos Baja Bean Black Swan Bogarts Border Buddy’s Cary St. Café Chop Suey Taphouse Café Diem Curbside Enigma Tattoo Easy Street El Rio Grande Ink Tattoo Joes Inn Lost Sock Lombardy Market Katra Gala Kuba Kuba Mainly Pasta Main St. Beer Main Art Metro Grill MotoEuropa Mojo’s Mulligan’s Puddin Heads Picolla’s Patterson Express Out Of Bounds River City Tattoo Roxy Richmond Coin Laundry Sweet Peas Sticky Rice Southern Culture Sidewalk Café Star Lite - Rick Strawberry St. Market Strawberry St. Café Triple Triangle Uptown Color Video Fan World Cup Carytown: Adonis Babe’s Betsy’s Bev’s Carytown Burger’s & Fries Cosmopoitan Chopstix Coppola’s Carytown Books Dogma The Eatery Elwood Thompsons Galaxy Glass & Powder Great Wraps Guitar Works Look Mary Angelo’s Nacho Mama’s Need Supply Plan 9 Records Smoothie King Urban Artifacts Vanessa’s Wicked Redhead World Of Mirth VCU: Absolute Tattoo Adams Street Tattoo Colosium Lofts Corner Café Corner Market Chugger’s Dose Café Exile Fieldens Harrison St. Coffee Hyperlink Café Ipanema Nanci Raygun Panda Garden Plaza Art Taquiro Loco Turnstyle Tapas Bar Upcast The Village Vcu - Johnson Hall Velocity West End: 17th St. Boykins Grove Ave. Coffee Journey’s Mio’s Pizza Potters Pub Playing Field Stories Sharky’s Tower Records The Tavern Taboo South Side: Capitol Tattoo Crossroads Coffee Candybar Fox and Hound Paper Moon Picasso Moon Plan 9 Pro Class Cycles Red Dragon Stories Charlottesville: Acme Tattoos Coyote Millers Mudhouse Plan 9 Roots


Chew On This Magazine - March 2004  
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