CHEW ON THIS MAGAZINE Series 2 | Episode 5 | May 2004
PUBLISHER Local Market MANAGING EDITOR Lander Salzberg ASSOCIATE EDITOR Jonathan Martin ASSOCIATE EDITOR Christian Detres GRAPHIC DESIGN Justin Vaughan ADVERTISING DIRECTOR Jonathan Martin ADVERTISING EXECUTIVE Christian Detres DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Lander Salzberg COVER DESIGN Justin Vaughan WRITERS Mike Conroy Daniel Robert Epstein Alison Miller Nate “Igor” Smith Mike Taylor ARTISTS E. Bauer Daniel Bogan Timothy Hoyer Mike Taylor PHOTOGRAPHERS Michelle Dosson Lissa Hahn Phil Noe
CONTACT Local Market, LLC 2130 West Main Street Richmond, VA 23220 firstname.lastname@example.org www.chewonthismag.com ADVERTISING Jonathan Martin (804) 405-5001 email@example.com Christian Detres (804) 687-6504 firstname.lastname@example.org DISTRIBUTION Lander Salzberg (804) 467-6661 email@example.com SUBMISSIONS Chew On This welcomes submissions but cannot be held responsible for unsolicited material. Please send all submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org. SUBSCRIPTIONS Subscriptions of Chew On This are available. $25 for 6 issues. Send check payable to Local Market, LLC or contact email@example.com. THE FINE PRINT The advertising and articles appearing within this publication reflect the opinions and attitudes of their respective authors and not necessarily those of the publisher or editors. Reproduction in whole or part without prior written permission from the publishers is strictly prohibited. Chew On This Magazine is published monthly and is free of charge. All material within this magazine is © 2004. Chew On This Magazine is a registered trademark of Local Market, LLC. Thank you for reading Chew On This.
8 Mike Taylor 10 Timothy Hoyer MUSIC
12 Rainer Maria 14 Funeral For A Friend FILM
16 Willem Defoe 20 Summer Movies LITERARY
22 The Pleasure Of My Company 24 The Death Of Winter FASHION
26 Fading Metropolis 32 A Chance Encounter 39 Shiver Me Timbers SEX
46 Foods That Get You Laid 48 Chewicide Girls WEB
55 livedaybyday.com PRODUCT
57 USDA Choice 62 Place Your Logo Here LISTINGS
66 Monthly Show Listings GOSSIP
68 A Lilâ€™ Birdie Told Me... DRUNKEN FUN
71 The Playboy 50th Anniversary
Mike Taylor MIKE TAYLOR
The following is a list of questions that are often asked of Mike Taylor. The answers and explanations are included for clarity purposes. #1 – What up? MT – It’s (any day, month, or season) mornin’, (at any given time during the day). I am under-caffeinated but I’m workin’ on that! #2 – Mr. Taylor do you really want this job? MT – Ask me next week! Most artists that live in Richmond can barely survive on the support that the community provides. Dishwashing jobs provide free meals and a social environment where the sordid idiosyncrasies of artists are overlooked. I usually try to dodge that question. #3 – Do you know why I’m laughing at you? MT – No. #4 – You’re an artist. What do you do? MT – Yeah. A little of everything. Mostly paintings. If the person asking seems interested or I’m feeling chatty I will explain in greater detail. The paintings are process abstractions…a blend of Op-art and Pointillism. “Monet made of day-glow colored dots.” “Seurat on acid.” “Aboriginal meets Chuck Close.” It would be easier for you to come see them for yourself. 5# – Do you have any shows coming up? MT – I could list all the shows I’m working on or would like to do in the future. Normally I answer with the next show. 6# – Can I get a tiramisu, a gingerbread, two cheesecakes, a mango ice, and the silver when you get a chance? MT – There are many answers to this questions. I will give three. The final one being the most used. One, What do you think this is, a restaurant? Two, What did you call me? Three, Yes.
7# – Do you do ceramics? MT – Yeah, a little. After the show at Artspace 2003 and the Round Painting Challenge at Sweetwater, I decided to make mugs, bowls, plates, and shot glasses to replace all the dishes I broke during an unfortunate BB gun frenzy. Richmond Pottery offered a place to make a little pottery and a place to show paintings. 8# – Why do you have a K-Mart guitar? MT – It was cheap. I think everyone should collect something. I choose musical instruments. I have painted over ten guitars and two violins. The Les Paul was a little expensive knowing I’m prone to paint over such instruments. 9# – Do you know what you should do to promote art shows? MT – No. Everyone has some big idea for me. Let the newspapers know. Have bands play. Show in B.F.E. Paint more portraits of local celebrities. Have my restaurant cater the reception. Hire a masseuse and a masseur. Get on the radio and the TV. Wow! 10# – Do you still ride your bike to work? MT – Yeah, about once a week. I don’t like to ride when it’s freezing or raining. When the weather changes I’ll ride more often. 11# – How come you have so many cheese stickers? MT – I think it was 1999. I started a sticker collage. I was ripping off something Chris Bopst was doing. Another artist, Richard Robins, who works at Patina Grill, saw the collage and started giving me the cheese stickers that came through his restaurant. I never buy tape or wrapping paper. Thousands of cheese stickers are a great substitute for either. 12# – Is the coffee fresh? MT – Yeah, I just made it.
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Timothy Hoyer LANDER SALZBERG | TIMOTHY HOYER
For those of you unfamiliar with Timothy Hoyer, he is the owner and resident tattoo artist at Alive Gallery in Richmond, VA. Tim was kind enough to sit down with us and chat about the future of tattooing…the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lander Salzberg: How did you first get into doing tattoos? Timothy Hoyer: Probably just from getting tattooed myself, and just being fascinated with it since I was a little kid. LS: How old were you when you got your first one? TH: I just turned 18, it was in Kansas City. LS: What piece is it? TH: I actually still have it, it’s a crucifix…it’s kind of falling apart, but it’s still there [laughing]. LS: What are some of the other shops you’ve worked at? TH: As far as actually being an employee, I’ve worked at…the first tattoo shop I worked at was Ink Spot 2, in New Jersey. That was just kind of a street shop. That’s where I learned how to put on tattoos the right way. And then I moved to San Francisco and worked in a shop called Primal Urge for a little while. And then from San Francisco I moved here and went in with Absolute Art and worked with those guys for a while. Then Chris and I left and started this place [Alive Gallery]. LS: What are some of the benefits, as an artist, in owning your own shop? TH: I like to travel a lot, so that’s one of the main things. I can travel whenever I want to. LS: Traveling for pleasure or work? TH: To work mostly. I’ve tried to take trips without working, but it usually doesn’t work out that way [Laughs]. Which is fine, that’s one of the benefits of the job, being able to travel. LS: Have you noticed any new trends in tattoos lately? TH: Yeah, I think the star has become the new Tasmanian Devil [laughing]. Japanese is really popular right now, so I think a lot of people are getting Japanese, and some of the traditional American tattoos are having a revival. Like the Sailor Jerry designs, they had a revival a few years ago, so that’s still going pretty strong. People are doing different things with that. It’s kind of in
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an ugly stage right now because a few years ago there was this big explosion when all these people entered tattooing that hadn’t tattooed before. They were doing all these crazy things, so now it’s to the point where a lot of the gimmicks have been used, so everybody is trying to come up with whatever the next thing is gonna be. It’ll be interesting to see what happens. LS: Got any outstanding or funny stories about tattooing somebody? TH: [Laughing] I have a million! I mean when you get together with tattoo people, it invariably goes to stories about people passing out, cause everybody’s got a million of those stories. I knocked a guy out while I was drawing on him one time…before I was even working on him. It was at a tattoo convention, and it was really hot, and it was in Europe, so it was really smoky. So I was drawing on him and he just slid right out of the chair [laughs]. LS: What other type of artwork do you do? TH: I paint in oil when I get time to…and water colors a little bit. But, it’s kind of hard to find time to do that. And I like to paint big, so it’s hard to find time to finish those. LS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? TH: I was over in Spain last year. I really liked it over there…I might end up over there at some point. LS: Working or just hanging out? TH: Just hanging out being a bum, doing whatever I can [laughing]. LS: Journey. Do you like ‘em. What’s your favorite song? TH: I would say my favorite song is the one in “CaddyShack,” “Any Way You Want It”…Always makes me think of Rodney Dangerfield. LS: Final Comments? TH: Not Really. Thanks a lot for coming by.
Rainer Maria: Well, it’s called “Anyone In Love With You Already Knows.” It sets a different tone for our fans because it’s a live album – a double live album actually. So it has a lot of old stuff, but new songs too. We haven’t really made any big departures from our particular sound per se. I think we’ve found some new ways of expressing ourselves within the genre we’ve built for ourselves.
Christian Detres: You have a new album out. Where do you feel it stands with the rest of your albums in importance and representing the band and its current direction?
Caithlin, Kyle and William, the three members that form Rainer Maria, met with me backstage before their performance in Norfolk last month to talk about themselves. I know rock stars hate that, so I treaded lightly…
Rainer Maria – Indie rock band, a staple on the college rock dial, hailed by CMJ magazine as having one of the top ten albums of 2001. Rainer Maria combines angelic crooning lyrics and powerfully layered guitars in the school of The Smiths and the Sundays to serve up a musical confection akin to gravel smothered in a light sabayon.
Rilke, Rainer Maria – Writer and poet, considered one of the greatest lyric poets of modern Germany.
CHRISTIAN DETRES | MICHELLE DOSSON
CD: Okay, well back to music then. You received all kinds of accolades a few years ago. The indie press was very nice – you actually got 2001’s “A Better Version of Me” on a number of top ten album of the year lists. How has that changed your perspective, as far as pressure to top past efforts, freedom to do what you want and otherwise?
RM: No. Absolutely not.
CD: So you’re not the poster boy for manorexia? No photo shoots with Kate Moss coming up?
RM: Hahahaha, it’s fucking ridiculous. Okay, I’m a very tall man and happen to be very skinny. Evidently, someone at SuicideGirls.com thought it would be a great idea to ask me to write an article on the advent of the stereotypical indie rock star “look”, the man-waif. I absolutely refused. I mean I was insulted. What am I supposed to write about? I guess no one ever noticed Bowie or Mick Jagger or Iggy Pop. That’s like asking Meatloaf to write about the joys of being obese.
CD: Alright, this has nothing to do with music but I found this hilarious. Bill, what’s up with manorexia? I hear you’re an expert.
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CD: Thanks for your time guys. Oh, and Caithlin, you’re hot, can I have your number?
RM: Haaha, that’s a good question. We sound so different live – stripped down, less “beautiful” maybe. I think it’s a surprise for everyone when they do finally catch one of our shows. It’s also some our favorite times as a band being recorded. The album is a memory factory for us – we love listening to it and I think everyone who buys it will find a different side to us that they may not have heard before.
CD: Why a live album now? What do you think it contributes to your oeuvre of work that is going to be a draw for your fans?
RM: It certainly has given us a lot more creative freedom to produce albums when we want to and how we want. The respect is nice, but I don’t think it’s changed our creative process. We’re working on a new album right now as we’re on tour and I think we have the same drive to make the best music possible without too much interest in following what our critics say.
N DE TRES
| MIC HELL
E DO SSO
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Funeral for a Friend, on the last leg of their second US tour, stopped at the Norva in Norfolk, VA for a sold-out performance backing Coheed and Cambria. I had an opportunity to play a game of pool with Welsh bandmates Garreth Davies and Ryan Richards and talk with them about their tour and their upcoming spot on the Reading Festival. Chrsitian Detres: You guys have done a cool thing by mixing a tough hardcore sound with some decidedly “emo” sensibilities. Your sound is much more on the hardcore side yet you still seem to cling on to the “emo” label. Do you see that as a negative thing considering the disrespect that that moniker gets now? Funeral for a Friend: Well, what is “emo” exactly? As far as I see it, every heartfelt song ever written is emo. If it’s not in someway emotional, all you end up with is shite. We don’t mind the label at all. I do know that it gets joked on a lot but who cares – if it means that we have a lot to say that resonates on a personal level to our fans then I think we’ve done our job. CD: How long have you been together? FFAF: Two years. In the section of Wales we all come from there’s only two things to do, play football and be in a band – oh and drink at the pubs. Three things. We do all three.
FFAF: We were the first band of the day on the smaller stage figuring nobody would be around for our set. We’d played small clubs and bars up to that point and we got on stage and there’s ten thousand people staring at us waiting for us to do something. It was phenomenal. CD: I’m not gonna get to Reading but I do get to go to Coachella this year. I get to see the Pixies reunion show! FFAF: Fuck you! My girlfriend is doing merch out there for her record label – she gets to see Radiohead for free. I hate it. CD: How’s American media treating you? MTV and MTV2 and whatnot? FFAF: Well, we’ve shot a video and I don’t think it’s playing yet. We’ll see. Pretty unconcerned about it actually. CD: I think I saw one of your videos on FUSE or something.
CD: Oh, by the way, it’s called soccer.
FFAF: Maybe, I have no idea. We hate doing videos.
FFAF: Fuck you.
CD: Okay I have to ask you this, Chew tradition. What do you think about Journey? The band, Journey?
CD: Haha, seriously, it’s called soccer. Anyway, you’re playing the Reading Festival with Morrissey in July. How exciting is that? Shit, I’m excited I get to interview him this summer. FFAF: What the fuck do you say to Morrissey? CD: Haha, like, I don’t know – “What’s happening dude? Tell me something smart and snide to make me feel small and stupid!” Really, I just want something quotable. FFAF: We played Reading last year too, it was great. CD: Oh yeah, give me a story. What was that like?
FFAF: I think of hair when I think of Journey. CD: Hair? Just hair? You don’t like them? FFAF: No, not really. We did get compared to them once, randomly though, by a drunk footballer in a bar. I could not possibly see the connection, but who am I to argue? CD: No, I think that’s like comparing Celine Dion to Ozzy. I don’t think so. FFAF: Exactly.
Willem Defoe DANIEL ROBERT EPSTEIN
Willem Dafoe is one of the best actors alive today. He’s always brilliant even in the worst films such as Speed 2 and The Shadow of the Vampire. He’s someone who can elevate even when he’s given the best material such as in Affliction, Light Sleeper and Wild at Heart. He admits that segueing back and forth from commercial films, like Spider-Man to a non-commercial film such as eXistenZ gives him money, artistic freedom and happiness. But even though he’s been rightfully nominated for two Academy Awards he is still modest and down to earth. He knows how lucky he is and we know how lucky we are to see him be brilliant. The Reckoning is definitely one the stranger films I think I will see this year. Its 14th Century England, Paul Bettany plays a priest who must leave his village because he slept with a married woman. Along the way he hooks up with a traveling acting group led by Willem Dafoe and joins them. At a small village, there has been a murder which Dafoe and Bettany investigate. When they figure out the truth they decide to reveal it to the people of the village in a play. CHEW ON THIS MAGAZINE
DRE: You play the head of a medieval acting troupe in The Reckoning? Are there added challenges to playing an actor? WD: I don’t think so. I don’t know how to do that anyway. But I am an actor, so it’s close for me. If the job is partly to personalize what you’re doing and make it specific, you got one leg up. Because of some of the themes in this story, like the ways of telling the story, being a part of a company, the line between your life and your work, all that stuff is familiar to me, I know it empirically. So it helps that the real life informs the fiction. DRE: Have you ever done a part you don’t understand, so you do research? WD: Often. Most of the time I don’t understand. I don’t understand until it’s all over with and then probably there is even more I don’t understand. I think when you approach things you know what your interest is. You know what you’re curious about. You know certain things that you want to come up against. But on some level it’s really the audience in the end who decides on what it all means. DRE: Is what drew you to do this part the fact that you have your own acting troupe [The Wooster Group]? WD: That was part of it. But I just think the material is very rich. The practical stuff such as [director] Paul McGuigan saying “I want you to play this role. This actor I’ve worked with before, Paul Bettany, is attached” I saw McGuigan’s previous film Gangster No. 1 and it’s got lots of style, it’s real compelling and Paul Bettany is really good in it. Then I read the novel and the material is very rich and evocative. I look at the script, and I say, “This stuff is interesting.” I know where we’re going to shoot, all these things come together. DRE: You’re in amazing physical shape in this movie. Especially where you literally bend over backwards in the training montage. Did you work out for this movie? WD: No, it wasn’t so much for this movie. It’s just that I’m a yoga practitioner and that’s a part of my life. I’m also a theater performer and I’m a physical performer. It’s important to stay physically strong and flexible. That’s what I do. So when we did this, there was a montage so that was something that I could contribute.
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DRE: Do you like playing heroes or villains better? WD: I like characters with strong actions. I also like characters that have a kind of moral crisis or crises. I like that transformation. I know I’m attracted to marginal characters. I think sometimes heroes and villains they meet about here [brings two fingers together]. So I’m conscious of both distinctions, but the whole point of character is that you deny those distinctions. Certain times you play a character; you try to suggest what their function is and then find out what is true about them. You play it from the other side. But I probably like villains better because their stories are told less. Marginal lives, different ways of saying things, with ways that threaten the status quo. I want people to see movies. I want them to be successful; I want all kinds of things. But at the same time when I’m dealing with them, I’m attracted to both sides. DRE: This was definitely a different kind of movie. Was there innovation on the set? WD: Oh, all the time, on everything. In particular in the theatre is where innovation that happens. But films are collaborative. I don’t claim anything; I’m just part of things. I’ve been involved in movies that I think have had some sort of social impact on changing peoples’ minds about something. The one that pops to mind immediately is something like Platoon. Because you got to remember, when that film was made, the state of the art war film was Rambo. So to make this low budget movie about Vietnam and have it get out there and reach a broad audience, clearly caused some kind of rethinking about the experience in Vietnam. For a lot of Vietnam vets, who had dealt with a lot of rejection and shame, it let people have a different take on who they were and what they went through. I did feel that. I did feel that people had written these guys off as either victims or killers or horrible people. All of a sudden, they were more empathetic. Because it had the authority of a vet [Oliver Stone] telling it and just as a work of entertainment and of art, it had some usefulness and some authority to it. So I think it does make a difference. You can effect, you can change people’s minds about things by making them see it in different ways. That’s what movies are all about. [firstname.lastname@example.org]
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Summer Movies CHRISTIAN DETRES
It’s that time of year again when Hollywood decides to grace us with the sequined and spotlighted vomit that is its’ Summer Release catalog. In all fairness, some of it comes out smelling less like steaming choad and more like the glitzed-up popcorn chomping goodness that we all hope for each May. Chew On This decided to take a look at the creamiest crop of brainless explosion-fueled cinema and add its own snarky prejudgment. The Bourne Supremacy – Matt Damon returns as the forgetful spy to remind us “it’s not his fault, it’s not his fault.” I Robot – Will Smith is attached to this donkey pile as a man suspicious of the placidity of the common household robot. He’ll have a hundred lame oneliners and about three laughs. Who wants the overunder on this one? I assure you Isaac Asimov is crying in heaven right now. Shrek 2 – I LOVED Shrek. Loved it. I loved it because it was a fairy tale with an END. It’s OVER. There’s no Adventures of Shrek!!!
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The Day After Tomorrow – Roland Emmerich and Dennis Quaid serve up a healthy dose of paranoia, this time showing us what global warming will do to us all in broad, catastrophic strokes. Sleep well children! Van Helsing – Hugh Jackman puts his Wolverine bezerker claws away long enough to kill Dracula, the Wolfman, AND Frankenstein in one movie. Jesus, save some for the sequel. I hear in part 2 he kills Captain Crunch and the tooth fairy… Troy – Otherwise known as Female Orgasm Cinema. Brad Pitt, Eric Bana, and Orlando Bloom flex sweaty muscles and look dreamy while slaying lots of Greek people. I’m only making fun of this because I’m insecure in my masculinity – this looks really good. I’m going to see it, seriously. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban – I think this is gay porn. Chronicles of Riddick – Here’s an idea – a futuristic thriller shot in dark grimy tunnels with blue filters. It rains all the time and everyone orders from the catalog
of torn muscle shirts with inexplicable piping and buckles and leather pants. Slap an actor (using the term loosely for Vin Diesel) who belongs in the Neolithic era on the marquee and we’ve got a blockbuster!…to POOP ON! Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow – Whu??? Who??? Sky Captain? In the World of When? Yes, this movie IS a talkie and yes, Jude Law, Angelina Jolie and Gwyneth Paltrow can probably make it good. This may be the most beautifully shot movie you see this summer – incredible visuals – and yes, I am talking about Angelina’s boobs. Alien vs. Predator – Holy Shit!!! Yes, finally! This is the movie I’ve been waiting for since I caught a glimpse of the Alien skull on the Predators’ ship in Predator 2. This can only mean that some retarded director will supremely fuck it up and incorporate Carrot Top and some Home Alone-inspired pratfalls. Spiderman 2 – Spiderman is dating Kirsten Dunst and excretes sticky fluids. Well, wouldn’t you? Oh, yeah, Doc Octopus eventually loses to Spiderman at some point in this movie. Around the World in 80 Days – Damn, it’s the revival of Victorian-era Sci-Fi! Except I don’t remember Jackie Chan being in the book… The Terminal – This incredibly serious and tearwrenching Steven Speilberg film gives us Tom Hanks in yet another WWII setting as he immigrates to America the instant his home country is dissolved by the Nazi war machine. Uh ohhh, his papers not so
good anymore. Dewy looks and memorable symbolic imagery ensue. King Arthur – Trying its best to be historically accurate about the historically enigmatic King Arthur, Clive Owen acts out the effects of the collapse of the Romans’ hold on Eng–a-land in some apocryphal year or another. Collateral – Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx, hmmm, a cop buddy movie? Now that would have been good. No, this plot is actually pretty interesting. Cruise hires a cab driver to, well, drive him around all day. Foxx, the cab driver, finds out that his fare is actually a hit man casually bumping off witnesses to a murder at each stop. At least he lets him keep the meter running… Thunderbirds – This is the live-action movie adaptation of a PUPPET SHOW!!! Bill Paxton is playing a PUP-PET!!! Thunderbirds are NOT go! Code 46 – Aldous Huxley spins in his grave as Tim Robbins plays star-crossed lovers with a clone beneath his social status. For shame!!! So what have we learned kiddies? We’ve learned that Summer is a great time to break out the DVD player and watch the Sopranos for the fourth time or heaven forbid, go OUTSIDE and enjoy the mosquitoes and humidity. I’ll be in the theatre with all of you wishing I had my $8.50 back.
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The Pleasure of My Company CAMERON AYERS
I work nights. With all that it entails the most important part is what to do during the day. Since everyone I know is at school, work, or perpetual sleep, self-motivation is key. Then I think what is it I enjoy doing? I’d call Jimmy to come over and wrestle but halfway through he always throws up and has to go home. So at some point I decided to see what else the city has to offer. Bike rides in the park, celebrity watching outside the Jefferson, smokin’ crack - they all have their charm. But I needed something with more of an endless possibility for enlightenment and entertainment. For this no place beats the local library. The stacks, the beautiful patrons, the ghosts of past librarians, it’s all there. My latest find comes from the New Fiction shelf near the front doors. Novices fear not, you won’t get lost. “The Pleasure of My Company” is Steve Martin’s second foray into prose fiction. His first skirted my radar but was never close enough to be a viable target. This novella centers around Daniel Pecan Cambridge a neurotic unemployed twenty or thirty-something (it changes) who finds it difficult to leave his Santa Monica apartment. Following an extensive labyrinthine route, it takes 47 minutes to walk the eight blocks to the
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local Rite Aid, but there is nothing truly psychotic in this character. As you can expect from the man who brought you The Jerk, it is more of the nervous and laughably unsure. That is not to say that you cannot be touched by Daniel’s problems with the outside world. At his most panicked you will root for him, and as he longs for contact you will know what he means. Martin is great at drawing well-crafted characters in such a short work (163 pages). Daniel is surrounded by people who spark mini adventures and propel him into the world. Three objects of affection - Clarissa, the student psychologist/mother; Elizabeth, the sexy realtor; and Zandy, the young pharmacist, all occupy his attention at different times, bringing out varying dynamics of Daniel’s personality. And lest we forget the jock neighbor that lives on Red Bull, and how he humorously and heroically thrusts Daniel into his proudest moments. In the end, Martin mixes laughter, nostalgia, heartbreak and heartwarmth to make a story that won’t change your life or waste your time. Anyway it’s free. It’s at the library.
All Your Music Needs 701 West Cary Street, Richmond, VA 804-644-3812 Buy • Sell • Trade
1211 W. Main St. Richmond, VA 23220
New evening menu! Open Mic Nite! Thurs. 8-11 M-TH: 7:30am to 7pm Fri: 7:30am to 3pm
It was a good night. The show was fun, dinner was great, and I couldn’t have asked for better weather. She was already standing on the porch when I got out of the car. Normally she’d be raising hell because I always took so long to open the door for her, but she was leaned over, busy inspecting the potted plants, fingering the budding flowers. I was thinking of grass and mulch and other spring things when I reached the steps. I looked up to see her standing there, and I instantly recognized her posture. Caught off guard, though I’d have to admit she had the same effect on me in the days when this was a regular occurrence, I moved forward slowly, my smile—and other things—growing as I went. She kissed me, her mouth open, her body leaning into mine, and her arms dangling behind, begging me to take hold of her. She backed away then, but I moved too, pinning her against the door. Her green eyes stared at me. The look was more than just inviting, it was taunting me as if to say, “What are you waiting for?” I wasn’t waiting any longer. Now I was kissing her as my hands slid down the curve of her back, one cupping her bottom, and the other finding the back of a bare thigh. Maneuvering it under her skirt, I slid a finger into her panties and traced the line down to the warmth and wetness I had missed
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for so long. She turned her head and moaned slightly in my ear to let me know that she and I were in exactly the same place. It’s funny how you knew when spring was coming. You didn’t need calendars or holidays to remind you. It was a feeling, a notion embedded in every living thing that it was time to change—and for the better. It was a promise kept, that even the hardest and coldest moments in time could have new life breathed into them. Like the naked and gray trees lining our street, we too were poised for a new beginning. We had also weathered the storms in preparation for greener pastures and brighter days, and the time was coming to reap what we had sown. I leaned back to find her lips again when I sensed motion behind me. Releasing her, I started to turn, but it was too late. He was on the porch—close. When I moved against him, his thick, sleeveless arms wrapped me up before I could do anything. He looked old with deep creases in his face, gray eyes, and hair slicked down on his greasy head, but there was nothing “oldfeeling” about him. He was the living incarnation of the oldest Curtis brother, from the Outsiders, in the latter part of a forty-year age-progression full of hard labor and disappointment.
One shoulder under my left arm and the other arm around my right, he held me firm, off balance, and pinned against my wife. She was screaming—I think— but I could only understand him sputtering, “You shouldn’t ought’ve done that! You didn’t have to turn on me like that!” I couldn’t get out of his grip, and I was about to lose the only footing I had when he turned to my wife and said, “You seen’em, you seen’em turn on me?” Just then he released me with his right arm, but before I could act I was slammed in the chest by a massive fist, only it wasn’t just a fist. Protruding from his clenched fingers was the glimmer of something steel, and I realized the painful and laborious wheezing sound I heard was my lung pleading for air. A moment later the wheezing began to fade, I no longer heard my wife, the night was getting darker, and I felt myself slipping from his grasp and the knife at the same time. All I could see was him, looking at her. Something came alive in those cold gray eyes, and I knew what he meant to do with her—to her. There was no way in hell I would let him spoil her with his dirty hands, and his greasy hair, and his foul stink. I reached out my right hand, took hold of his shirt, and pulled him to me, his blade still pressed between my ribs. With my left arm still over his shoulder, I reached
around the back of his neck, seized his jaw from the opposite side and jerked his head around with a rally of strength I wasn’t sure I had. His neck was as thick and strong as the rest of him, but his lust left him unguarded. A loud crack, like the sound of splintering wood, rang out and we collapsed. He laid folded on top of me, the both of us in a pile of “man” on the front porch—a heap of good and bad, surrounded by the consequences of both. I can see the headlines tomorrow, “Murder in the Historic District!” “Couple assaulted outside their home by man with knife.” “Slain husband kills assailant before he dies.” They will read as lifeless as the man on top of me. They wouldn’t understand that tonight was not just the death of men, but also the death of winter. It didn’t just signal loss and pain, but the loss of pain. To us, tonight was the promise we had been waiting for, and to me, sometimes just the promise was enough—it had to be. The man was no longer on me, but I still could not breathe. The knife was no longer in my chest, but I could still feel its bite. I could also feel her hand squeezing mine, but I had no strength left to squeeze back. I no longer had a lot of things, but watching her fade now, I knew—we knew—we had our spring.
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ER A T N U O C E EN
Photography - Phil Noe Models - Josh courtesy of Modellogic and Kim Stylist - April Sparrow courtesy of Nesbit and Meriel Thornley courtesy of Images Main St.
T-shirt by Shmack; Hat by Shmack; Earrings from Adonis/Aphrodite
T-shirt by Shmack, Skirt by JUNO; Belt and earrings from Adonis/Aphrodite
On him: T-shirt by Shmack On her: Jacket by Ben Sherman; T-shirt by Shmack; Skirt by LULU
On him: Shirt by NY Based; Jeans by 4 YOU; Belt by Shmack On her: Dress by Tempo
On him: Suit by 4 You; Shirt by Lucasini; T-shirt and belt by Shmack. On her: Shirt by Shmack; Skirt by Juno; Belt and earrings from Adonis/Aphrodite
Paninis The Monroe - Oven roasted turkey breast, sharp cheddar, tomato, red onion, and garlic mayo on olive panini bread The Mo - Thinly sliced and juicy medium roast beef, creamy muenster, mushroom, tomato, and horseradish spread on olive panini bread
Wraps The Jackson - Oven roasted turkey breast, thinly sliced avocado, creamy goat cheese, and tomato w/ herbed mayo on a sun-dried tomato tortilla The Marshall - Fresh petite shrimp tossed in our own sun-dried tomato pesto w/ cheese, lettuse, and tomato on a white tortilla
Classics The Clay - Oven roasted turkey breast, smoked provolone, lettuce, tomato, and herbed mayo The Adams - Our homemade all white meat chicken salad, freshly prepared and topped w/ sharp cheddar, lettuce, tomato, and Dijon mayo
Join us for the First Friday Art Walk - Open Late 6-10pm -
Model - Kelly Photography - Jonathan Martin Clothing supplied by Picasso Moon
Skirt and shirt by Jedzebel
Top and skirt by Funky People
Tiger Bay Now available at Amazon.com - artist.amazon.com/harrysalzberg and at the iTunes music store - New Age with Attitude: Rock without vocals.
Door Beads • Tapestries • Posters Stickers • Incense • Body Oils T-Shirts • Women’s Apparel Sandals & More!
Visit us at: Picasso Moon Imports • Richmond, VA 9734 Midlothian Trnpk 1-800-249-5556 www.picassomoon.com
Foods That Get You Laid ALISON MILLER
In last months article I listed some of the best jobs for getting laid. If you were turned down by the fire department or just couldn’t bear to tear yourself away from your accounting position, I bring you a second option, foods that get you laid. Some foods are considered aphrodisiacs because of their healthy ingredients and others earn the attribute because of their shape. Still more aphrodisiatic foods are born from myth. Aphrodite, aphrodisiacs’ namesake, is the Greek goddess of sexual love and beauty. Because she was born from the sea, many types of seafood are considered erotic. The most famous is the oyster, which also has help from the genitalia-resembling department. Casanova even trusted the urchin. If it worked (and I’m assuming since it was Casanova it did) it probably had more to do with the oyster’s high level of zinc rather than its origin or shape. Zinc is responsible for the growth and function of the sex units. The Marque deSade also experimented with aphrodisiacs. He slipped a room full of prostitutes Spanish fly, a medicine made from crushed green beetles, in the hopes of inciting an orgy. It didn’t work, but its active element worked in 1752 for a Frenchman who had it prescribed for a fever. In two months he bedded his wife at least 87 times. The bad news is that this same element can burn the mouth and throat and cause abdominal pain, vomiting, diarrhea and kidney damage. (The legal version at Taboo cannot.) Greek and Roman cultures enjoyed fruit before sex. Whatever their explanation, the modern reason is that many vitamins in fruit help to keep energy up and sex organs in great condition. Don’t worry the effect isn’t fleeting so you don’t have to reach for an orange on your way to the condom. Just add a little more fruit to your everyday diet. Of course, you should always balance fruit with vegetables. Tomatoes were once called “love apples” because of the powerful, and once highly sought after, antioxidant they contain. Celery, corn, and cucumbers have long been viewed as aphrodisiacs because of their shapes, but it turns out they also contain minerals that boost sexual health. The shape of asparagus won it much favor in 19th century France when grooms were served three courses of it before their wedding. The morning after the wedding the newlyweds were fed onions, a food once banned from Egyptian priests, to restore their sex drives. Female pigs become sexually excited at the smell of truffles. The reason? The scent is the same as that of hog’s breath. Don’t ask me why human women considered men sexier in lab tests when the aroma was released. Ready for a real shocker? Scientists have found that the more expensive a meal for a woman looks, the more aroused she is afterwards. As long as you’re going expensive, go caviar. The sensation of the eggs popping on the tongue is said to initiate sexual desire. Chocolate, the most popular aphrodisiac, works because it raises the body’s endorphins. Don’t eat too much of it though, because too much sugar has the opposite effect. In fact, if you’re tired of having sex with your partner feed him/her tons of it as well as saturated fat, highly processed food, rich cream sauces, lettuce, and dill. They cause disinterest in sex and difficulty reaching orgasm. Liquorice is an aphrodisiac as well. It contains an element that decreases testosterone production. If you’re not changing careers, try changing meals. Eat your fruit and vegetables regularly and get your partner into truffles and oysters. These plus a small dose of the “fake” Spanish fly from Taboo (only 99 cents) will keep you both going for as long as you want to go. Taboo is located at 6021 W. Broad St. in Richmond, VA.
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Chewicide Girls SuicideGirl - Velouria
Photography - Jonathan Martin, Justin Vaughan
PADUNKAPUNK The Drama Queens The Voxals Excuse Us For Thinking (Rawk N’ Roll Cabaret)
Sat, May 15 10pm McCormacks
If you live in Virginia you should know who DayByDay are, however it surprises me how many people don’t. I have had dozens of conversations with people who think they are a band. They are not and if you go to this web site, it will explain DayByDay way better than I ever could. This site has made the news recently when graffiti artist Refuse To Be Smart (who has worked with DayByDay) was arrested. DayByDay has been accused of doing graffiti themselves, when really they just make movies about it. Their recently released film, “Teenagers From Mars” can be purchased on the web site, and is one of the most entertaining films I have seen in a while. It is filled with skate boarding, local music, sketch comedy and a whole lot of graffiti. The premiere of their video happened only days after Refuse was arrested, and his feature part in the film served as a very fitting eulogy. Anyway, you need to check out the site, check out the film, and know what’s going on with DayByDay.
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Shockoe Bottomâ€™s ONLY Adult Entertainment Club $2000 a week guaranteed No Experience Needed 18 or older Call 334-5250
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Tiger Shrimp - 35¢ each
Atlantic Salmon Steak - $2.92
Beef Ground Chuck Patty - $1.21
Pork Loin Blade Chop - $2.69
Yellowfin Tuna - $4.76
www.rrobots.com 1 Xtredz, www.digitalgravel.com 2 Nonsence Clothing, 3 www.digitalgravel.com www.shmackclothing.com 4
5 www.diesel.com 6 www.teenagemillionaire.com 7 www.triple5soul.com 8 www.triple5soul.com 9 www.triple5soul.com 10 www.triple5soul.com 11 www.ok47.com 12 www.triple5soul.com 13 www.ok47.com 14 www.teenagemillionaire.com 15 www.ok47.com 16 www.triple5soul.com 17 www.teenagemillionaire.com 18 email: email@example.com 19 Available at Need Supply Co. 20 www.obeygiant.com 21 www.vagenius.net
Most shirts are available at Need Supply or www.digitalgravel.com
Sound Of Music Studios Presents... BLACK CAT
1811 14th St. NW DC • 202-667-7960
MAY 1- WAG: 60s and 70s garage and soul 2- THE KICKASS, WADSWORTH, THE HOKKAIDO CONCERN 3- EXIT CLOV, PLINK 4- HOLGER CZUKAY (of Can), MEASLES MUMPS RUBELLA 5- MN8 presents: LOS AMIGOS INVISIBLES 6- Found Magazine’s DAVEY ROTHBART 6- Film Screening: AFROPUNK 7- THE RAVEONETTES, THE ROGERS SISTERS, THE WHIPS 7- DOLLHOUSE: alternative, new wave dance night 8- MOUSETRAP: DC’s brit-pop dance night 9- CLINIC, RATATAT 10- SENTAI, JEFFREY LEWIS 11- THE DEEP SIX, FALLOUT COUNTDOWN (to benefit DC Rape Crisis Center) 12- PREPACKAGED PRODUCTS, NTX & ELECTRIC 13- SLOAN, THE KICKS 14- Q AND NOT U, MARY TIMONY 15- TRANS AM, LES GEORGES LENINGRAD, THE FREQUENCY 16- STRIKE ANYWHERE, FROM ASHES RISE, CHALLENGER 17- NEKO CASE, THE MENDOZA LINE 18- PASH, TATANKA 19- MOTHERTONGUE: women’s spoken word 20- NAVIES, LIKE LANGUAGE, WHITE FLIGHT (ex-Black Eyes) 21- WASHINGTON SOCIAL CLUB (cd release), THE CARLSONICS, THE HOLD STEADY 22- THE THRILLS 25- GLASS CANDY, EDIE SEDGWICK 27- MEREDITH BRAGG, THE 101 31- THE FIRETHEFT
317 Monticello Ave., Norfolk, VA • 757-627-4500
MAY 2-Brides of Destruction, Living Things, Amen 3-Less Than Jake, The Early November 4-Winterfresh SnoCore Tour: Trapt, Smile Empty Soul, Finger Eleven, Strata 6-O.A.R., Gavin Degraw 7-The Lost Party, Mark Ronson, Hollertronix, DJ Greg Again, DJ Jey - One 8-Steve Winwood and his band 9-Todd Rundgren 10-Ani Difranco, Joe Henry 11-Evan & Jaron, Rainmarket, Julie Clark 15-H.I.M., Soil with a Special Guest
20-Pat McGee Band, Craig Honeycutt lead singer of Everything 21-Taj Mahal with a Special Guest 23-From Autumn To Ashes, Atreyu, Eighteen Visions, Anterrabae 29-Clutch: 2 Full Sets
10 Walnut Alley, Richmond, VA • 643-2816 MAY 1-Insidious Rays with special guests 1-When All Else Fails, Forever and a Day, Split 50, Black Heart 2-Orange Goblin, Alabama Thunder Pussy, Lamont 5-The Suicide Machines, Against All Authority, The Code, Big D & The Kids Table, Ten Years From Now 7-Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings with special guests 7-Adara, Motion Picture Demise, special guests 8-Benefit for Cystic Fibrosis, Presented by Painted Red Promotions feat: Saint Diablo, Sicseed, Stuck in Kaos, Fifteen, Fall of Rome, Alter Q, Alchemist Lamant 14-JADE TREE UNITED TOUR 2004 Strike Anywhere, From Ashes Rise, Challenger 14-Jimmee Janksta CD Release with special guest 15-Conshafter, The Gaskets, Army of Me, Snatches of Pink 15-Cowboy Mouth with special guests 16-Immortal Avenger with special guests 19-New Blood Revival with special guests 20-The Beautiful Mistake, Spitafield, Reunion Show, Slow Coming Day 22-Lotus, Southside Funk Brothers 25-Runner and the Thermodynamics with special guests 27-Last Crash, Thottlerod, Puny 29-3rd ANNUAL COCKROCK FEST 30-The Fire Theft with special guests 31-Midtown, Armor For Sleep, Your Enemies Friends, Stars Hide Fire
815 V St. NW DC • 202-3-930-930
MAY 3-Nelly Furtado 4-Angie Stone w/ Life, THC, Duo Liv 5-Boxing Bush Benefit featuring EL VEZ w/ Fannypack 6-Super Diamond 7-Stephen Lynch from Comedy Central 8-Clutch 9-Eyedea & Abilities 10-Blondie 11-Ani DiFranco 12-The Stills w/ Metric & Sea Ray 13-Josh Kelley w/ Toby Lightman 14-H.I.M. w/ Soil
Supporting the Richmond Sound and Music Scene Since 1994.
15-Mission of Burma w/ The Fiery Furnaces 19-X-Type Presents Zero 7 21-Soulive 22-Pat McGee Band w/ Craig Honeycutt 24-Killswitch Engage & In Flames w/ As I Lay Dying 26-From Autumn to Ashes & Atreyu w/ Eighteen Visions & Anterrabae
929 W. Grace St., Richmond, VA • 353.4263
MAY 1-lady fest: theatre of operations presents “the burning ode” 2-lady fest- bands tba 3-new model army, tba- 18+, $10 advance/ $12 door 4-digger, tokyo rose, the higher, tba 5-mary prankster (cd release), jen foster, sara tandy, amanda rogers 7-the overprivledged, red angel 6 richmatic 9-epitaph + fiddler records presents: the first taste tour feat. from first to last, name taken, salem, scatter the ashes 13-richmatic- 18+, $3, 10pm 16-this present darkness, think ahead, nourish the flame, for the girls, classic struggle, passing moment 19-phantom lounge with adam and barry 20-richmatic 21-voice within 24-suzikiton, dove..tba 26 phantom lounge with adam and barry 27-phobia, strong intention, rotten
2549 N. Howard St., Baltimore, MD • 410-662-0069
MAY 1-The Early November, Anberlin, Bayside and guest 1-Dangerously Delicious Pies 1 Year Anniversary Party! The Rockbottom Dtylings of Honky Slim, Artie Hill, Long Gone Daddies, Lawnchair, Fateater, Nightlifer 3-Sebadoh, Cub Country (members of Jets to Brazil) 5-New Model Army and guests 6-An evening with Holger Czukay of CAN 7-CAVE-IN, Meatjack and guests TBA 8-Lungfish, The Quails and guest 11-Eyedea and Abilities, Blueprint (of Atmosphere) Illogic, Grayskul and Mercury Waters 12-MADE CLOTHING’S “WELCOME TO THE FAMILY” TOUR 2004 featuring: Stretch Armstrong, Terror, Between the Buried and Me and guest 14-ENON, shannonwright and guests 15-MF DOOM, Chris Lowe, Dooley O, DJ Mills 16-Mike Watt, Oxes and guests 18-$5 FEATURE SHOW! The Riverboat Gamblers, Mal Humor and Twin Six 19-Hellcat Records presents PUNKS VS. PSYCHOS TOUR: HorrorPops, Necrmantix, The Business & Roger Miret & The Disasters 20-SUPERSUCKERS- THE BIG SHOW! ONE COUNTRY SET/ ONE ROCK SET! 24-Jad Fair, Lumberob, Jason Willett and guests 26-Kataklysm, Misery Index, Cannae, Through the Discipline
THE SIDEBAR TAVERN
218 E. Lexington St., Baltimore, MD • 410-659-4130
MAY 1-Orange Goblin, Lamont, King Valley, The Drug Problem, Big Daddy Chrome 2-Everybody Gets Hurt, Backhand , Redline, 36 Deadly Fists, 4 In Tha Chamber, Diamonds In The Rough 4-V.P.R., All or Nothing HC, Die Cheerleader Die 8-Zuul, Buck 20 (feat. Scotty from the Little Kingz), Misdirected, Devil’s Radio 10-Gotham Road (feat. Michael Graves of The Misfits), Cheerleaders of the Apocalypse, Stillborn 14-Bobby Colorado and the Ultimate Late Night Partiers, Bad Teenage Moustache 15-War Injun, Unorthodox, Abraham’s Meat Plow 19-D.O.A., Void Control, Fighting Chance, Die Cheerleader Die, Bring It On 21-The Dickies, Slumlords, High School Hellcats, Fishnet Stalkers 22-Slumlords cd release 31-Dozer, Puny Human
321 W. Broad St.
• 804-788-0607 • soundofmusic.org
A Lil’ Birdie Told Me... LOCAL MARKET
The entire staff of Chew On This Magazine would like to issue a formal apology to our dear friend, Mrs. April Sparrow and the fine folks at Nesbit Salon. Apparently our little practical joke was not very well received. Feathers were ruffled, and feelings were hurt. Jobs and friendships were put on the line. So here goes...Dearest April, pretty please, with Splenda on top, find it in your heart to forgive us. We were just kidding and ya know, we’re sorry. Besides it would have been kinda tough to style his hair and you woulda been all nervous and shit, so...it’s okay, really. In conclusion, we’re really, really sorry and hope you talk to us again someday soon. Sincerely, Chew On This
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M I L A N O PA Z Z O S H O E S T O N S O F J E W E L RY
trivia for life not for everyone
B E LT S & B U C K L E S
L O C A L A R T & FA S H I O N CLOTHING, FURNITURE & HOUSEWARES
bad kitty good luck
Sticky Rice Richmond VA 804.358.7870 www.stickyricerestaurant.com
THE PLAYBoY 50TH ANNIVERSARY PARTY CHEW ON THIS GETS BUCK WITH THE BUNNIES, SON.