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The Cheese Grater The award-winning student magazine of UCL Union

Issue 31 - November 2011

THIS MONTH Malc Mess

“A big ‘fuck you’ to management” p.3

Papercunts

We take a friendly swipe at Pi

www.cheesegratermagazine.org

RUNNING No. 25 March 2010

ON EMPTY “There are two things currently wrong in this Union: its democracy and its communications”

p.4

California Dreaming Tech innovator kicks the bucket p.5

Getting Physical

The geekiest article we’ve ever printed p.6

Dastardly Bastards We’ve all seen them. Are you one? p.7

Jim’ll Fix It

The final outing of a TV legend p.7

Cat Flap

Rubbing May’s nose in her own mess p.8

This room should have been full - The Welcome Members’ Meeting John Bell and Hannah Sketchley The biggest problem faced by UCL Union is that no one could possibly care less. After years of (sometimes) carefully plotted plans being disrupted by the annual farce of General Meeting inquoracy (not enough people turning up, to the layman), this year the campus hackocracy cooked up the clever ruse of reducing the number of attendees required to make decisions from 448 students to just 112, or 0.5 percent of UCL students. Is this the magic bullet that Union democracy has been waiting for? Unsurprisingly not. Half an hour after the scheduled

start of the Welcome Members’ Meeting on 18 October only around 80 people had bothered to turn up, leaving Union Chair Zubair Idris with no choice but to call it off. He stated that the Union would “do a bit of soulsearching” to find out what went wrong. It seems that Idris forgot the truism of student democracy: “apathy rules all” - the empty seats in the 535 capacity Bloomsbury Theatre should remind us to never overestimate engagement. Historically, each of UCLU’s 181 societies has been forced (under threat of withdrawn funding) to send two unsuspecting delegates to the Wel-

come and Annual meetings in October and February, respectively. This meant that although interest was at an impossible nadir, with inevitable walkouts, at least enough people would arrive so that the Union merrygo-round could start moving. This obligation was dropped last year, leaving only the hacks and hackcessories who come to this sort of thing for fun. However, there aren’t nearly enough of them. From a democratic perspective, the WMM was supposed to be the gala event of the term, and a chance to get freshers mildly interested in student politics. (Cont’d on Pg. 3)


2 The Cheese Grater November 2011

Down Your Union

A good night for the Left, and good night to democracy

Norman De Plume UCLU politics is not necessarily a breach of election rules but rather a startling hypocAfter the comical non-event that was risy on the part of those same individuals the Welcome Members’ Meeting (see cover) who then campaign for greater transparit was left to the Autumn elections to restore ency and accountability within the Union. faith in student politics. However, this hope The state of student participation is quietly collapsed with the close of voting on so dire that two candidates were elected 23 October. as Faculty Representatives with fewer than Up for grabs were some fairly superfi- ten votes. Getting your seminar group to cial Faculty Representative positions, as well vote for you is not a mandate to influence as 6 weightier and more responsible Student Union policy, and does not lead to accurate Trustee roles. There were also a handful of representation. That UCLU, which Chestickets to Sheffield available for elected NUS sum himself described as a “Tory-Liberal delegates, and a couple of Forum Chair posi- marginal”, has elected a group overwhelmtions that can be as substantial as the office ingly dominated by extreme left positions holder desires. only serves to highlight this point. Despite the number of positions available, voter turnout for the elections was a misPassing without difficulty erable 3.4% of the student body – only 746 votes were cast out of a potential 22,000. In Council whirred back into motion fairness, voters had good reason for lacking on 25 October with the elected above fillinterest given that six out of eleven positions ing their seats for the first time. Given the with a seat on Union Council were uncontested. The predictable results came not with year of plenty for the Left, motions were a bang but with a whimper, some way short passed not just to support the National of what Pi Newspaper termed “a night of Demo on 9 November but also to commit theoretically unlimited resources to it and high drama”. to urge students to strike with their lecturers on November 30. Council also passed No man Left behind a motion declaring no confidence in UCL Provost, Professor Malcolm Grant, after UCL Union’s Eastern Bloc was the un- his appointment as NHS Commissioning doubted victor of the evening, with nine of Board Chair. eleven Council seats snapped up by left-wing The item which caused most debate candidates. was the motion to make Grant’s position The NUS Delegation and Student Trus- elected, left over from the WMM. Contees will also have a hard left slant. Former demning the current UCL governance UCLU Education and Campaigns Officer and clique as illegitimate, it resolved to camwell-known capital-smasher Michael Ches- paign for the election of the Provost by all sum was elected to a Trustee position on the UCL stakeholders (including the apathetic back of the manifesto slogan: “Sustainable student populace), as well as to reform the Revolution, Violent Accounting”. entire college governance structure. The moChessum clearly had time on his hands tion was billed as being pro-democracy (rathduring election season, as he managed to fit er than anti-Grant) by proposer PGA Officer in writing the manifestos of fellow candi- Ben Towse, but he was curiously accused by dates Ben Beach and Jessica Riches, claim- Gareth Chan, RUMS Officer, of attempting ing of Riches that she had no time to write to politicise the (already over-politicised) it herself. role of Provost nonetheless. This motion too While Riches declined to comment, was eventually passed. Beach told The Cheese Grater that he’d “forgotten about [the campaign material]”, but Playing fast and Skuse went on to mention that he gave Chessum “the key points”. The last issue of The Cheese Grater The Cheese Grater is still baffled as to highlighting Democracy and Communicawhy Riches - who won the post of Comtions Officer James Skuse’s manifesto betraymunity Officer – and Beach – the successal was almost itself censored. In spite of The ful Bartlett Faculty Representative candidate – allowed someone else to put pen to paper Cheese Grater’s release being Skuse’s responand write election pledges on their behalf. sibility, our beloved bespectacled Sabb wasn’t Perhaps Riches felt her success was guaran- quite able to make the decision himself, and teed – her opponent, Akshat Khandelwal, took the unprecedented step of bringing failed even to include his name on his official the issue to a vote at the full-time executive meeting on Wednesday 28 October. Skuse manifesto. That electioneering is a feature of himself voted against publication, allegedly citing that the issue would give freshers a

Society Bitch Azerbaijan Society have earned our congratulation for having the fewest members on a total of 1. They are closely followed by Chabad Society with 2 and Libertarian Society at an impressive 3. Men’s Rugby clearly decided simply attending their AGM merits reward and gifted all present with a bottle of Smirnoff vodka accordingly. All that union money must be burning a hole in their shorts! Christian Union allegedly informed their members that, after careful prayer, God had some sacred opinions on how they should vote in the Spring elections last year. With all that must be on the almighty’s plate at the moment, we’re just glad that he got round to helping out UCLU’s democratic process. Pi were saved some embarrassment this term when Activities Officer Doris Chen sent them the minutes of her Activities Forum. She wrote in the message body that she’s pleased Pi are “holding the union to account” but confused as to how they do this without turning up to meetings. She ended her email with the reassuring phrase “NEVER FEAR” and stated that the full minutes to the three hour meeting could be found attached.

Chess Riches

negative impression of UCLU. After advocacy from Education and Campaigns Officer Luke Durigan and Finance and Services Officer Tim Rees Jones the issue finally went out unamended, leaving censorious Skuse more egg than face. Skuse has now also created a spoof Twitter of himself, going under the crafty alias “Lame Skuse”. In the words of Durigan, “I can barely believe it. In order to have a cult of personality don’t you need a personality first?”


November 2011 The Cheese Grater 3

Grant Chant and ID Card Madness Provost lecture disrupted by “would-be revolutionists” John Bell and Hannah Sketchley The biennial Lunch Hour Lecture given by UCL Provost Malcolm Grant is a highlight of the calendar for those who love him – and a chance to be vocal for those who do not. Edwin Clifford-Coupe, a Living Wage activist and UCLU Education Officer, fell into the latter category as Grant theatrically left the stage following persistent heckling from him and other activists. Clifford-Coupe stood up at the start of the lecture, interrupting proceedings with a question to The Provost on whether the Living Wage would be discussed. Before waiting for an answer, he and several other activists began a chant of “Low pay no way, redistribute Malcolm’s pay.” Grant responded by asking whether the audience would like to hear his speech. After gaining the overwhelming approval of the assembly, Grant was again interrupted by a shout of “what about student debt?” from student activist Tali Janner-Klausner just 15 minutes after proceeding with the lecture. Grant was visibly irritated and said: “I’m not going to continue.” He then thanked the audience “for their tolerance” and left the theatre. Clifford-Coupe then became embroiled in a lengthy set-to with disgruntled attendees, unhappy at the abrupt end to the lecture. When approached by a woman who had apparently

taken a train just to hear the lecture, the usually cheery Education Officer was only able to offer a conciliatory apology. Fabian Paul Eckert, President of UCLU German Society, remarked that the activists had put and end to a “highly interesting lecture”, adding that it is sad that “such a noble and important cause has been adopted by such an unreflecting, inconsiderate and immature bunch of would-be revolutionists.” Janner-Klausner and Clifford-Coupe were questioned by security and evicted from the lecture theatre. In conversation with The Cheese Grater after the lecture, Grant said that he felt it was “sheer arrogance” that Clifford-Coupe should think the audience would rather listen to a student than The Provost and reiterated that he had agreed to implement the Living Wage. In response to this, Environment and Ethics Officer, Natasha Gorodnitski said: “Management vaguely committed to incrementally increasing the pay of the workers in small steps towards the LLW. It is not clear whether this has happened - what is clear of course is that this does not constitute the LLW, the “bare minimum” needed to live in London.” UCL cleaning contractors Office and General told The Cheese Grater that the process of transition towards the London Living Wage is already underway, and that the timescale is in line

Clifford-Coupe paying his fine to Ruth Siddall (Cont’d from Pg. 1) As luck would have it, not much was missed. On the agenda, tedious hackery such as changing the name of the Welfare Officer to “Welfare and International Officer” stood alongside a silly motion to elect the Provost. While the hacks may stew over nonsense like this, normal students won’t notice the difference and UCLU democracy will continue

to be a campus irrelevance. The sabbatical officers held an emergency meeting the following day to assess and address the abysmal failing of Democracy and Communications Officer James Skuse’s vanguard assembly. The man himself was apparently too ashamed to discuss his own shortcomings: Skuse didn’t turn up. What went wrong is him. Skuse’s manifesto stated that he

with the Provost’s statement from earlier this year. The punishment for the activists did not end at their removal from the lecture. Each was summoned on separate occasions to Ruth Siddall, Dean of Students (Welfare), for further reprimands. Clifford-Coupe was given a twenty pound fine for failing to show his ID card to security staff on demand in the lecture, a fine that was then doubled when he failed to bring it to his meeting with Siddall. A further thirty pounds was added for the original act of disruption, described as a violation of the UCL Disciplinary Code. This is punishable by a fine of up to £300, at the discretion of Siddall. The discretionary discipline culture of UCL is such that Siddall felt able to threaten to fine Clifford-Coupe an extra £10 for “lip”. The case was similar for Janner-Klausner, who was fined £30 for disruption of the lecture but no more, despite threats of additional fines for an alleged lack of ID. She was also threatened with further action should she be involved in any more activism around UCL in the future. Both activists insist that the real disruption to the lecture was Grant’s decision to walk out, rather than their heckles, and sources close to Janner-Klausner added “It is unsettling and frustrating. The university clearly wants to use structures in place to crack down on protest on campus. I would urge [Siddall] to have student and staff welfare in mind rather than capitulating to her management, or resign.” When asked about the threatened fine for lip, Siddall said: “I won’t put up with anyone undermining my authority in my office.” Seeking to clarify her position, Siddall continued: “I’d like to make it clear that my role is not to be political and that my political opinions do not count in any interactions that I have with students. It is a black and white breach of regulations. There never, ever, ever would be any disciplinary action against anyone’s political beliefs.” UCLU Council took a different view, and Siddall’s actions were condemned at Union Council on 25 October as political in nature. A motion was passed to pay the fines of both activists in unbagged 10 and 5 pence pieces, an action described by Bartlett Faculty Representative and prominent UCL activist Ben Beach as “a big ‘fuck you’ to management.”

would increase student involvement through “well publicised forums, deadlines and meetings”. This publicity, it seems, does not stretch to sending an all student email about one of his most important events of the year. The failure to reach the lowered quoracy came as a bit of a surprise, and various big swinging Union dicks were notably ticked off. When asked for comment, serial hack Andrew Tranter

replied: “this is shit,” whilst the Education and Campaigns Officer Luke Durigan swore repeatedly and made guttural sounds. The events of the evening can perhaps best be summed up by an anonymous voice floating across the Union bar as the hacks drowned their sorrows: “There are two things currently wrong in this Union – its democracy and its communications.”


4 The Cheese Grater November 2011

ece of Shit

Pi Newspaper is a lazy embarrassment: UCL deserves better King Rat

own voice”. Pi Diary also referred to the success of The Cheese Grater team in Union elections and suggested that this would compromise the magazine’s independence from UCLU. The Cheese Grater would like

In a limping effort to play The Cheese Grater at its own game, the most recent Pi Newspaper included a column titled “Pi Diary”, written by Editor Samuel Johnson. The column was based on “gossip and whispers around UCL” but was tepid at best, splicing together widely-known society and union business with smirking asides about national politics, including a distasteful reference to Liam Fox’s sexuality. The column also quoted Johnson’s personal tutor and Head of Department Professor John Mullan in a lengthy tribute to the editor’s namesake: Dr Samuel Johnson, the literary giant. Far from “gossip and whispers”, this bizarre piece of self-aggrandisement slavishly worshipped the man who will be writing Johnson’s references as his graduation fast approaches. Johnson describes Mullan as “dishy”, a “top public Abandoned: The Pi Media website intellectual”, and “a veritable Adonis to point out that the front page of the among men”. Without wishing same issue of Pi Newspaper carried to labour the point, this dribbling a story (also written by Johnson) adoration is just plain weird. The documenting The Cheese Grater’s Cheese Grater suggests that Johnson open defiance of Union instruction. stick to trying to impress his tutors As forgettable as Johnson’s prose in the classroom, rather than on the may be to the average reader, one would have imagined that the author pages of his Union-funded paper. What’s more, the tone and of both articles could put two and content of the article has won two together. One would also hope that Johnson few friends within the paper, with one senior Pi Media Johnson had his own house in source describing the column as order before turning on other media “shitty and arseholic”, further stating outlets. According to Pi Newspaper that Johnson “loves the sound of his ex-Design Editor Rosie Walters,

Johnson is “a nightmare to work with”, while another committee member said that he is “literally gormless in meetings”. This lack of engagement and attention is projected through the entire paper. The last issue was

published with the wrong month on the cover, and prominently displayed a screenshot of some highly graphic pornography. A series of pictures were displayed, only one of which had been blurred leaving several explicit sexual acts on show. In the words of bungling Democracy and Communications Officer James Skuse: “when I saw it they looked censored”. Whether Skuse was able to properly examine the issue when reading it on his phone at the NUS Zones conference in Liverpool is

another matter. It now appears that even this cursory check was a waste of Skuse’s time, as Union sources indicate that the edition had already been sent to the printers without authorisation. Perhaps Johnson’s desire to emulate The Cheese Grater’s infamous Society Bitch column (see p.2) stems from the rejection of his submission to this inky pamphlet in October 2010. The article saw Johnson star as a rainmaker at the Labour party conference, weighing in for Ed Miliband in exchange for a peerage for himself and a baronetcy for Prof Mullan. The website is yet another embarrassment. The “Top Stories” on the homepage haven’t changed in almost a year, and a yawning white space dominates the screen. Quite apart from any design issues, this is a shocking failure to get new studentgenerated content under the eyes of readers, and is a chronic waste of a cheap and obvious outlet. While Pi Magazine is looking great this year, Pi Newspaper is going in the opposite direction. Rumours abound of yet more opposition to the paper’s leadership than mentioned here, and the ugly truth remains that UCL is being let down by a needlessly rubbish paper, which is now leagues away from student journo pacesetters: Imperial’s Felix, Cambridge’s Varsity, and Oxford’s Cherwell. UCL deserves better. Or you could just read The Cheese Grater.


November 2011 The Cheese Grater 5

Gash With Receipt

Once upon a time there was a Magic Society. Will there be a happy ending?

5/10/2011

6/10/2011

7/10/2011

9/10/2011

Great Jobs for Hard Workers Mourners pay tribute to computer pioneer Sun Danyong Claude McNab recalled co-worker and highSun Danyong, widely recognised as the most important figure in the world of personal computing and consumer electronics in the last twenty years, has died aged 27. Passionate about mobile computing, Sun regularly worked 70 hours a week at his factory in Shenzen, performing the same repetitive tasks for 10 hours a day at $100 a month. “He just loved menial, degrading work and regular beatings,”

school buddy Dong Jouzhou. “He always used to say that the fleeting interest of Western teenagers was what got him out of bed in the morning.” Sun’s career began on a small scale, when he and Terry Gou started Foxconn in Gou’s garage. Sun spent the next 20 years in the garage assembling iPods while Gou built up a $5.7 billion personal fortune. Sun made a point of always appearing in the same worn pair of blue overalls, which he liked

to call his ‘uniform’. Senior colleagues, by whom he was wellliked, used the affectionate name “oi- shit nugget” when meeting with him to discuss working practices on the shop floor. Tributes to Sun came flooding in from all over the world. “I used to feel bad about the soldiers who killed my child and sexually assaulted me,” Agnes Kaundé told AP in Kinshasha, “but when someone told me that they were stealing coltan for Sun Danyong to put inside iPhones I was really happy.”

After a long struggle with depression and forced labour, worsened by his unscientific belief in the magic healing powers of a vegan diet, Sun committed suicide in the early hours of yesterday evening. The ghost of pseudo-hippy billionaire californiarse Steve Jobs spoke to The Cheese Grater from bardo, where he is awaiting rebirth as the Dalai Lama. Jobs ommed: “Oh, I didn’t hear about that. I’m so fucking zen mate.”


6 The Cheese Grater November 2011

A Neutrino Warps Into A Bar... A cause for con-CERN? August Kundt ‘Balls!’ explained Jon Butterworth; head of UCL Physics Department and “science machine” designer at Switzerland’s black hole factory, CERN (Civilisation Engulfer but Rightfully Neutral!). Butterworth has been doing what is known technically as ‘Advanced Science Theory’ at CERN, mainly for Higgs1 and Giggles but also as an attempt to spaghettify the smug out of Brian Cox, who once called him a “chuppa chup slut quark2”. Joined by Italian and French par-ticklers from all types of tuft-twizzling topiary, Butterworth sounds the alarm to mark the end of CERN’s annual emergency “Oh Neutrino3 di’int!” meeting. Guests included date-crash-

er Matt Smith, who was denied squatting rights despite showing CERN’s security a blank pukka pad with ‘I have a PhD in “Wibbly Wobbly Space-Time bollocks!” in-scribbled. Also in attendance was Katie Price, who postulated that “quantum fluctuations in a four dimensional membrane could enable neutrinos to escape into a higher dimensional space-time known as ‘the bulk’, in which the 4D membrane sits.” Her musing went unnoticed, however, due to what appeared to be a stirring in Steven Hawking’s third leg. Meanwhile in Westminster Princess Labour, Ed Miliband, proposed that David Cameron was responsible for the unexpected quirk in the experiment, after having made too many cuts in the space-time continuum.

David was unavailable to mum is so fat. 2 show Ed the back of his chat but The quark is an indivisblue-shifted president of UCL’s ible particle that makes up proConservative society, Sam Firth tons and neutrons. There are argued that “sub-letting these un- six flavours including up, down, observable wormholes through top, bottom, charm and strange space-time to non-EU members which if you repeat 3 times gives could alleviate some of the Euro- you unlimited health for 15 minpean indebtedness”. utes. 3 UCL Provost, Professor The neutrino is a particle Malcolm Grant was quick to that personifies Pope Benedict plank on to the bandwagon, sug- XVI’s nightmare church service, gesting that an extra dimension having no mass or charge and becould be installed between the ing composed largely of Jews. old and new Union buildings to reduce Protestors do A Level Mathematics travel times between unanimous disappointment. 1 The Higgs Boson gained notoriety as the particle that explains why your

The Hole Complex

Try our fun quiz of history’s greatest underground pariahs JD Becchio Just before his death, Colonel Gadaffi managed to carry on a long running tradition beloved of embattled dictators – to hide oneself in a hole. This love of holes has been seen

in despotic leaders many times throughout history, with both Adolf Hitler and Saddam Hussein preferring to seek subterranean refuge when the going got tough. Why not see if you can match the pictures below to their corresponding holes?

Andrew Lansley’s Arse Contributors: John Bell, James Donaldson-Briggs, Conrad Ford, Samuel Gaus, Mirren Gidda, Natasha Gorodnitski, Zefi Hennessy Holland, Elizabeth Jones, Stephen Lucas, Emily McGovern, Marina Merryweather, George Potts, Will Rowland, Hannah Sketchley, Harry Stopes, Kit Weaver and Madeline Wee.


November 2011 The Cheese Grater 7

I Know I’m A Student, But Am I A Bastard? W. R. Glenfiddich gives some guidance You may be a bastard if: You regret your movingin-day attitude of say-anythingto-make-your-flatmates-thinkyou’re-not-a-bastard, which led to the comment ‘Yeah sure man, use whatever you need’. You didn’t realise this would lead to having jodhpurs returned with your copy of Tatler stapled to them, with your own bloody stapler! Leave the ‘dudes’ to their pashmina and mung bean love-in, and cab to the Garrick for a steak.

You discover that the new friendship you had been carefully cultivating for the past fifteen minutes was with an affiliate student, who will be buggering off back to America in a few weeks. It is entirely appropriate to screen potential new friends like job applicants; in the business of making friends commitment is valuable. Just tell them, “Sorry guy, but befriending you would be like an employer hiring a pregnant woman. Awful.” You find yourself pretending to inhale marijuana in your

kitchen, after telling your housemates that ‘you love the green’. You were referring to money, of course. There are only so many times you can profess your love for Reggae Reggae sauce before you have to admit your family used to own Jamaica. You smash up every bit of undersized Argos furniture in your shared sitting room, then plonk a 400 year old solid oak chaise longue down, lie back and feed yourself grapes.

Quick Bastard Checklist: 1. Your first question at parties is ‘guess what school I went to?’ 2. You refer to your gap y e a r as ‘The Grand Tour’. 3. You keep your hunting falcon in the bathroom cabinet. 4. You blow your nose on a Titian. 5. Scarves. 6. As you read this, gravy is running off your jowls.

“So this is how you live, is it?” The next step: dealing with deadbeat housemates Jackson Bollock Returning students are currently finding out just who they chose to live with, as the merry quirks that were so endearing in halls become bone-meltingly tiresome over the early months of cohabitation. “I don’t know what I was thinking”, sighs Gillian Clough, a second year Biology student. “Who would have thought that Wonderwall is all he can play?” Other concerns now morphing into knife-sharpening loathing include dirty socks on the sofa, mysteriously missing milk, and a steadfast opposition to regular

showers. One student rumoured to be unexpectedly awful is Benjamin Brinley-Scott, a third year classicist. As well as drinking alone every evening, he has spent hours dancing with his mother in the communal lounge (frequently smoothing the pleats of her skirt), and loudly satisfying his taste in Tennessee Bluegrass. He can also often be heard sobbing uncontrollably about how his girlfriend from home is fucking someone else. Mrs Brinley-Scott, 57, commented: “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Benny never did anyone any mischief, and

he’s come on so much since he learned how to make Super Noodles last week. “If they don’t stop being mean to my baby I’m going to go down there and see to those naughty boys myself.” While these turds in the Jacuzzi can often be hard to spot (because of the froth), collective vigilance and incessant gossiping helps to keep damage to a minimum. If you suspect that your new housemate-to-be might be a giant cock-end, inserting clauses into your contract such as “tenants promise not to put licked forks back in the drawer” can help to separate the wheat from the cunts.


8 The Cheese Grater November 2011

May to Delegates: British Cats for British Workers! Age-old right of foreigners to own cats under threat JD Becchio states: “Anyone within ten feet of Home Secretary Theresa May has caused anger across many parts of the UK by declaring all-out war against cat-owning immigrants. Speaking at the Conservative Party conference, May used her speech to attack an obscure Human Rights law which, she claimed, gave a Bolivian student immunity from deportation because he owned a pet cat. The specific law in question is Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights, which

a cat automatically qualifies for British citizenship.” Any move from the Home Secretary to amend this law would be highly controversial. As historian-turned-racist David Starkey has pointed out: “The link between feline ownership and the right to live in Britain is an ancient one, with some historians claiming it’s even enshrined in the Magna Carta itself ”. He later commented: “though many dismiss this claim due to the fact it’s bollocks.”

Members of the public were more receptive to a change in the ruling. Barry, a haulage merchant from Sheffield, told The Cheese Grater: “Bloody Bolivians coming over here and taking our bloody cats, it’s bloody outrageous! It’s about time the bloody government got rid of this bloody law and protected us bloody Brits for a change!” Asked if he liked cats, Barry replied, “God no, I hate the bastards – coming over here and crapping in my bloody garden, it’s bloody outrageous!” One person who doesn’t

agree with the change in the law is Andrew Lloyd-Webber, whose hit musical Cats relies heavily on immigrant audiences to make a profit. “Without the lure of free citizenship, who is going to come and watch my musical?” a concerned Lloyd-Webber commented. “Take that away and all you’re left with is two and a half hours of utter shite – very few people will pay to see that.” When contacted by The Cheese Grater reporters, Cat Deeley refused to comment on the matter.

The Madness of Sean Connery

A complete fabrication regarding Scottish icon Sean Connery Conrad Ford

Scottish buffoon Sean Connery has insisted the statue of Robert Stevenson outside Euston Station is, in fact, a sculpture of him. Vain, tax-dodging tosser Connery marched up and down a small table shouting: “ah made that statue with me bare hands laddie! Its ah statue o’ me!” Connery played bagpipes and told passers by, ‘stop looking at mae statue!’ and ‘yer not

allowed to look at it!’ “He’s a mad old Scottish wanker,” said a witness. News of this outburst comes two weeks after the Scot went berserk at a charity gala and attacked the Lord Mayor with a frozen potato. When questioned, mad and stupid Connery kicked The Cheese Grater’s man-onthe-scene, ‘och, yer in me hoos!’ shouted Connery, “get yer own hoos!” “He said we were in his

house,” translated a Scottish language student. Connery has not been taken seriously since attempting an Irish accent in The Untouchables. Director Brian De Palma told The Cheese Grater, “It is a terrible Irish accent, he sounds like Lloyd Grossman.” De Palma later added, “The man is a leather arse.” Defending Connery, sycophantic Thunderball lover Ned said “we should respect him. Sean Connery is the first black Scottish

actor, and he’s a war hero. Also, he was in the first film ever made, A French Aristocrat Puts His Pantaloons On. It was made, like, two hundred years ago.” Back in Scotland, the King was overheard saying to his mum “Connery’s all we’ve got. The Loch-Ness monster is our biggest tourist attraction and he’s just a smug, chubby prawn.” “I wish Connery was dead”, said an expert.

UCLU Cheese Grater Magazine Society Student Publication of the Year - UCLU Union Arts Awards 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2011

President and Editor: John Bell Email: uczxcgm@ucl.ac.uk

Postal Address: UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street London WC1H 0AY

Assistant Editor (Investigations): Hannah Sketchley

Email: cheesegrater.investigative@gmail.com

Assistant Editor (Humour): Samuel Gaus

Email: ascheesegrater@gmail.com

The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union or the editor.


Issue 31 November 2011