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February 29th Heather Mills second leg appears again as it does every 29th February

What’sMarch On?3rd March 1st Peter Griffin is born, Wet Wet Wet finally and giant waistline dry off. trousers are once again ‘in’.

March 5th Housten, we have a problem.

March 6th Nobody cares.

March 10th Gandalf the great realises that Froddo is just a stupid shitty hobbit

March 12th Jay Z is found out for not being black, as Beyonce gives birth to a lovely white baby...Hmm

March 13th Lana Del Ray is discovered for being a witch. Or a moody cow...who knows?

March 14th Arnold Schwarzeniger crushes the Dominican Republic with nothing but his anus.

March 15th Betty Elliot’s menopause finishes. Who would have thought that it goes back around?

March 16th Miserable bitch, found in a ditch with her middle finger shoved up her arse. Hello Adele.

March 17th Ireland collapses due to a ridiclous amount of drunkards in the streets. Oh, and its St Patricks day!

Homyk…There Are No Puns To Fit His Name…

Expect The Unex When the world thinks of a pop star with as good looks as David Homyk, an immediate relation to the retard acts of those such as Dappy or Tinchy Strider, but Homyk may just be bringing the smart back into the mainstream industry. A successful student, David tells us of how he made it into the University of Virginia and ‘graduated having done wonderfully there earning 2 degrees’, but the beauty of Homyk is that he always knew he was to be a musician, and that his ‘true talents were being squandered by misspent time and at every moment stymied by a process which bore no relevancy to the bigger picture’. His words look as though they have been written by a professional author and are admirably articulate. It must be said that David Homyk is a very intelligent man, with a very bright future. It is of a high likelihood that if you are British, there is very little chance you would have heard of Homyk, for his popularity has not spread overseas just yet, but David says that it is only a matter of time before he makes the official break through. ‘It’s a matter of my U.K. fans taking action and spreading the word out there. Once those fans have generated enough traction I look forward to a U.K. tour’. It doesn’t seem to be a question of whether the UK will take to David; the man is confident in his musical talents, and it’s hard to blame him. His music is full of wonderful infusions of guitar, mixing acoustic talents and wonderful pop-melodies to create a sound worthy of any successful pop artist. Not only does Homyk boast an immaculate intellect, looks worthy of most male models and a fantastic talent for writing songs – he is also incredibly versatile and has mastered the art of the instrument. He has played saxophones, guitars, pianos, and so many more instruments, all adding to his incredible palate of skills that he uses so spectacularly.

However, Homyk describes his relationship with the instrument as ‘love-hate’, as they do not seem to ‘express what he desires musically’ all the time. Such an explanation could be applied to his versatility that is most admirable, and his skills as a musician have lead to many fantastic opportunities. Homyk has even worked with the likes of Beyonce and Kelly Rowland in the production of their songs, adding to his impressive history as a musician, which prompted an incredible acceleration musically, according to the singer himself. Such high key roles are supply the world with further evidence that this man is going to be huge, come his time; he is already on his way. When David isn’t living entirely in his world of music, absorbed in the workings of the music industry, he divulges himself with another world of entertainment, the acting industry. Boasting a role in the popular drama, Sex and The City, Homyk’s talents are spread across the two industries. ‘Acting opportunities just always seem to be there,’ the American said. Yet the man doesn’t have time to accelerate his acting potential, as doesn’t have the time to step away from his music. Infact, Homyk didn’t even step away from his melodic wife when we asked him how he’d cheer the world up. His idea was to unite the world through his ultimate healing device; music. He even advised his own song, Longer, Stronger…the cutey! On a final note, we would just like to send our congratulations to David on another acting note. He was the first ever actor to launch Capri Sun. Well done fella.!/davidhom yk /David-Homyk/22626730663

Searching for a Partner is like searching for a fish in the sea, however with

Mature Dating

Mature Dating its as easy as finding one in a dry old ocean. Pretty soon you’ll find a moist patch that's very fishy!


Marcelo’s opinion on world events...

No. Well you wouldn’t have a choice! Do you ever watch Loose Teles Tells – The Reboot Women sometimes and think, i wouldn’t have sex with any of these...and then crank one off anyway? Marcelo, what do you make of rapists? *Still no answer* They’re horrible Boxers or briefs? Ahh, that’s true. But why? I don’t want to pick one. Because they rape people... They aren’t going to be watching! At this point the interview turns to shit, and Marcelo is made Okay, briefs. to say as many words which rhyme with rape as we can. We At this point Gareth puts a piece of plastic down his trousers, finish on grape. as Jake tries to seek revenge on him for hitting him in the Which do you prefer Marcelo, red or green grapes? balls. (Sounding like he has a grape up his arse) I don’t Marcelo, time for your last words. How are you going to discriminate. round this one off? What do you think of Heather Mills Marcelo? *Marcelo fails to round this one off* Who’s Heather Mills? She’s that woman with one leg that divorced Paul Mcartney and took all his money. She’s a slag! (Laughter) What do you think of President OBama? He’s not going to get another term. What? Why? No he’s not going to lose. You just said he would? I’ve reconsidered. Right...are you religious? No. If you could be any religion, what would you be? Buddhist. Oh good. So where’s Maddy? *strange silence* So what do you make of the captain of the cruiser that sunk? What would you do? *no answer* Marcelo you are the king of all Seamen, you must know the answer. Would you go to the poopdeck? What would you do with an invisibiolity cloak? I’d pretend to be a poltergeist. If you could be any animal, what would it be? A deep sea squid. IF you had words for Mr Cameron and Mr Clegg, what would it be? That was fucking clever, wasn’t it? (At this point we attempt to convince Marcelo to sing us a song. We successfully do so, breaking into ‘A WimbeWay) What’s your favourite soap? It used to be Ugly Betty. Why? Same reason that anybody likes anything! Josef Fritzl, true or false? No answer Would you? Would you have sex with Josef Fritzl?

This week I wanted to defeat the giant from jack and the beanstalk and end this ongoing war for the sake of MANkind! We all know the horror that has fell before us since jack planted those fucking seeds and pissed off gilaticoskylords world. Many brave sweetshop owners have died for our cause and I cannot live in world without content supply of haribo gummy bears. I saw my window of opportunity and mounted the giant and beheaded him (unfortunately you cannot see my success in the picture due to limited space on the camera, thanks YaseminYasar, thanks a bunch) but believe me the last giant is dead and we can now live in a world where MANkind can prevail and eats sweets whilst scratching our balls watching loose women, oooo Denise you little minx.

Wacky Ideas For Him: Period Calendar – a calendar that has the dates of every woman’s menstrual cycle’s predicted beginning, ever month, to ensure that the male knows when to avoid his woman’s dark side; PMS is a dangerous thing, and with this, you can avoid the dangers! Erection belt – Ever had a dodgy erection that you have to tuck into your belt? Well no long must you have to dip your hand into your trousers and rearrange sufficiently. Your large rod can just hide happily in your belt where nobody can see it. You can thank us when you like. For her: For Her: Period filter – change the colour of your period! This filter sits just below the vajajay and changes the colour of your period to whatever you like, whether it be bright pink, or a nice calming blue, make your period, your very own!

Aries - 21st Mar - 19th Apr This month will bring plenty of luck, in all forms. Take a chance this month, if you find an empty cup on the ground put the teabag straight in, mix it with your spoon and voila; the mixture shall be complete.

Taurus - 20th Apr - 20th May Due to the positioning of Mars this month, exploring is advisable, take after the rabbits. Burrow down into the hole but watch out for the giant teeth that often surround the deep holes.

Gemini - 21st May - 20th June Since Jupiter is so close, you will be taken golfing this term, so you need to ensure that your aim is perfectly on target. Aim the small white balls for the great deep holes and get that hole-in-one.

Cancer - 21st June - 22nd July Due to Pluto’s penetration, I advise you should sue Disney, as dog’s should not be that attached to people no matter who they are!

Leo - 23rd July - 22nd August Due to the alignment of the Sun and Mercury, a chocolate log shall be made within the walls of your kitchen. Eat up, my good friend.

Virgo - 23rd August - 21st Nov This month, you should take your neighbours advice and trim your bush a bit, its getting out of hand. However, the question should really be, why is your neighbour being so nosey?

Libra - 23rd Sep - 22 Oct Watch out for Beavers this month. Rumour has it that they are feeling aggravated by the placement of the moon, and are likely to lash out...they might even bite.

Scorpio - 23rd Oct - 21st Nov Feeling frustrated this month? I don't question it. The only way to get out of your frustration is to jump around on your bed and make a horrible noise over the heads of everybody. You will feel in pain, but don’t worry that's normal.

Sagittarius - 22nd Nov - 21st Dec You will find yourself hopelessly attracted to that hunky partner of yours. Make sure you lend them a hand this month, as their own may feel strained from all their work.

Capricorn - 22nd Dec - 19th Jan Watch out when cooking this month, you may just end up with a bun in the oven that undercooks and pops out all tiny and yellow.

Aquarius - 20th Jan - 18th Feb You will do well this month to bury your treasure. You will have to dig as large a whole as you can manage. Don’t worry if your treasure doesn’t quite fit, a strong push might just do the trick.

Pisces - 19th Feb - 20th March This month you will become a sailor in the SS Wang, however you will find yourself stuck within its cabins, having to wriggle out. You will soon discover that the only way out is to be fired by a cannon, into the cavern of the land.

My boyfriend has a new hair cut but I actually hate it, he looks like a David Bowie mixed with Michael Jackson and I don't know how to tell him?? Nice to know the old cuts are coming back, I say you take him up stairs and do it like its the 80’s I'm a dedicated dogger, me and my girlfriend have been dogging for the past 3 years and until now I haven't had a problem, we’ve been trying to increase the danger element each time, ranging from outside a 14th birthday party to the Gardens of Buckingham palace, however this time I think we went to far, we decided to go doggy in Boris Johnsons back yard, I don’t remember anything of that night only that I woke up tired to a bed naked with the words Boris Is a Bad ass tattooed to my right Bum cheek, do you think I should cut back on my exploits? Hell to the No! You cant just stop now, everyone has bad experiences you have to learn from them and move on. I have been professional stalker to David Cameron for years, I have followed him religious and watch his comings and goings like a hawk. This relationship has limited my love life and is starting to hold me back. I currently considering breaking off this strange obsession after I received a restraining order , what do you think? Damn it David!! How many times have I told you to stop spreading your ideas in this publication you are not cool enough to have a dedicated stalker! Im addicted to animal porn, suggestions to how I can wean myself off? Righhhttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

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Music What do you get if you combine possibly the greatest British rock band of all time, the undisputed kings of grunge, and a hard rock specialist? You get 3 of rocks superstars; John Paul Jones (Led Zeppelin), Dave Grohl (Nirvana, Foo Fighters), and Joshua Homme (Queens of the Stone Age), all in one band, Them Crooked Vultures. This meant that the trio had a lot to live up to when creating a studio album in 2009. They were labelled the “Super group of Super groups” with Jones on Bass, Grohl on Drums, Homme on Lead Guitar & Vocals, which had set the stage for a mammoth recording to come. Luckily for fans around the world they didn’t disappoint. Right from the opening track “No One Loves Me & Neither Do I” Homme’s guitar riffs run wild providing an interesting & quirky start, then before you know it Grohl’s incredibly explosive drumming on “New Fang” causes the album to take off. The ferocity goes into real overdrive during “Elephants” with fast-paced riffs, huge drum fills, and an incredibly groovy & powerful bass line from Jones. It is clear to see that the main driving force behind the album is Homme as the album screams QOFSTA at times with the amount of heavy guitar involved. All of the members would agree it is not their best work respectively; it becomes slightly unattached in the middle before a very good finish. However, put into context this piece of work should be given massive credit. From a casual jam between giants of rock an experimental, hard-hitting, fun rock album has emerged. There is by far enough star quality in there to make it a must listen, especially for fans of each individual member’s own band. With the prospect of a 2nd album in 2012 there is the likelihood of a chance for people to listen to some old fashion, hard rock, from some of rock’s finest performers again.


Funeral party are a performances. The band that is rapidly band featured in the on the rise. 2011 was NME tent at Reading a huge year for them, and Leeds this year with the release of and attracted a huge their album A Golden crowd. They are fast Age of Knowhere and on the up, so catch the conclusion of a them before they high level support float away! slot, following 30 Second To Mars Upcoming around on one of Artists their last UK tours for aArcane very long Roots time. Theare a band a new bandplays with the world sound that is full of at their feet; with a energy bass, with genreand that is neither aProgressive fun feel and rock, nor countless flawlessnot Metal, Math rock,

Ed Sheeran - +

This week’s album is by an artist fresh from awards success on the biggest stage in Britain, the prolific Brit awards. Ed won two trophies, one for Best British Breakthrough artist and another for Best British Male, and listening to his album ‘+’ it is easy to see why he won the awards he did. The first track is a song that Ed can thank for his success. He was an unsigned act when he released the single, but somehow reached 200,000 downloads in the first two weeks of it being boughtNirvana out by the unique - ginger Smells singer/rapper. The song covers the topic of drugs Like Teen Spirit and prostitution, on top of an acoustic guitar at a Little Mix - might relatively slow pace; the start of the album just highlight the weaknesses of it though. Despite Cannonball the beauty behind the song, and the very Enter Shikari uncommon lyrics, the song is


Ghandi Mate Ghadni but all at the same Billy Lockett time, Festivals they tick all Balance Blink 182, Green Day, Foo nothing; a band that were There’s plenty of anticipation the right boxes. TheyFighters and RHCP as never actually Wives any good, just Military surrounding the possess a good live headliners, so there was a lot slept with lots of women and announcement of festivals, so - Wherever atmosphere, and an of anticipation as to who theChoir had a front man whose only we’ve dedicated a section even better recorded line up would actually be; the You quality was Are the length of his updating you guys on the question was really how many tongue (KISS, Jesus if you hadn’tof sound ... Arcane Green Day– progression. This month’s big guessed) and Faith No More. So Rootspoint are to beof the supposed bands would talking wasgoing the absolutely Suburbia feature. Sadly, the answer is if you’re over the age of forty bollocks line up thatthis none. Not a single speculation this year, looks like Sonisphere space Cheer Up!!!! Sonisphere have given us. Back was clue; instead we’ve been is the festival for you. in July the organisers told the left with the remains of Queen, public that they were looking at who, without Freddie, are

very much reminiscent of the other slow songs throughout the album. With the exceptions of Drunk and Lego House, the songs on the album that share the slow tempo are all weak at the knees, and all too familiar after listening to A-Team. With this in mind though, the faster songs are sublime. You Need Me is a song that is rich with power, with raw lyrics that emphasis the musician’s power over his label; how he writes his own songs and how the ball is in his court – it’s a very impressive show of his skills, including the rap technique that is so unlike any other musician in this day and age. A song that is potentially more

impressive, musically and lyrically, is Grade 8, a love song effectively, that is rich with creativity and intelligent lyrics, as well as a fast pace that is reminiscent of the ginger musician at his very best. His latest single is a wonderful song about drinking, cleverly named ‘Drunk’. It’s a wonderful song that combines his slow acoustic strumming with his rapid rapping skills, in a phenomenal way, and really speaks for his entire album. Plus is not a flawless album, but it feeds hope back into mainstream music that isn’t filled with electro and dance vibes; we at cheer up would like to thank him.

Playlist Billy Lockett- Don't wait up Coldplay-Rush of blood to the head Ed Sheeran- Grade 8 The Blackout- Your Are Not Alone Queen- Another One Bites The Dust

Why Newt Gingrich Has Got It Right……. Well Almost Being a teenager, I have the attention span of a hammer; I literally cannot focus on one task for more than 2 minutes. I also have strong support for people who have ludicrous ideas, yet they pitch them seriously this is why for the 1st 2 minutes of Newt Gingrich’s election for republican candidate I was enthralled by what he had to say, about the moon. The 68 years old, born in Pennsylvania, has a political history which would make any day politician proud, but that’s not the thing that has impressed me the most, Mr Gingrich has proposed that if he was voted as republican candidate and was elected as president, that he would within 8 years have set up the 51st state of America on the moon. Although I think that this is a brilliant and hilarious idea, I’d hate to say I’ve found a few pot holes. 1 st of all the moon isn’t actually classed as American soil (mainly because there isn’t any soil on the moon) they couldn’t just send 50,000 people up there to live, the space aliens would get pissed, next thing we know we have a new war on terror on our hands, and let’s be honest this one isn’t going terrifically. 2nd issue is the founding fathers of America never really incorporated space travel, and a moon state into their constitution, the right to bear arms would be entirely up there, if a gunshot rebounded and smashed their glass bubble which protected them, they might get sucked up by the vacuum and fly into outta space, so is it new moon, new rules? Finally let’s be honest the American people are some of the most patriotic people out there, they believe in America, and the American dream. This makes me think that they are going to paint in massive words USA on the moon, and let’s be frank, no-one wants to be going out on a nice evening with the moon shining bright and see the words USA shining down on you, its frankly a horrible thought, and should be locked up along with golf, Heather Mills and soup. If you have got this far, and it’s been over 2 mins then you must be a super human teenager or an adult. Overall I think Gingrich has got it right, as long as he can fight intergalactic battles from pissed aliens , avoid constitutional matters over space and guns, and avoid being patriotic on the moon. Then Mr Gingrich has got my vote….. if I lived in America (or the moon) and If I actually cared, and if voting took less than 2 minutes, and if I thought he wouldn’t get smashed by the all singing Obama .

PUT THAT KNIFE DOWN CAKE!! Right, I know some of you guys are still feeling glum about not been able to get yourself a sexual predator for Valentine’s Day. So being the nice guy I am I thought I would let your in to my great uncles, nanas, mothers secret recipe, so you don’t think about topping yourself. This chocolaty disaster will enhance your Phenyl ethylamine which turns on the brain's pleasure nuclei and reaches the highest levels during orgasm, allowing you to put down the knife!! (Oh yeah, this webzine is getting all technical now). This is for all you crying walrus clinging onto your picture of the past weeping to Hugh Grant films because he just god dam sexy and is the only one who understands how you feel ... you make me sick! ENJOY! Step 1: Gather all your ingredients together ready to begin, although I haven’t actually told what those ingredients are I hope you can assume what the ingredients are going to be, can’t yah you tubby people. Step 2: Waddle over to your oven and set it to gas mark 4/180°C Step 3: Roll back to your position avoiding all sharp objects on the way back ... would want and unfortunate accident now would we! Step 4: Go to film collection and retrieve Bridget Jones diary and place on your chopping board Step 5: Now, get your hammer and smash the crap out of the disc doing the nation a humongous favour! Step 6: Go into your refrigerator and take out a bowl of cake mixture that you have prepared earlier that day, oh yeah I forgot to mention on the last issue to prepare chocolate cake mixture for this issue my bad I know, but we can adjust to the situation! At least I told you guys to preheat the oven this week hey, remember that? Good! Ungrateful so and so’s Step 7: Once you have destroyed the disc, take the shards and sprinkle them into your bowl and begin stir. This is to make sure the shards are really imbedded into the mixture, this is vital to the recipe being that the disc doubles the effect of Phenyl ethylamine allowing you to reach multiple orgasm heaven.... your welcome ! Step 8: Base the tin in butter; rub it all over the place as if you were trying to entice the mixture into the pan, yeah that’s good. Well done. Step 9: Now you can place the tin into the oven , the one I told you to preheat, avoid placing your head into the oven at all costs, the cake is nearly ready, come on pull yourself together women, although that might take a while you plump lady, rawr! Step 10: It is probably time for a toilet break so I will allow you to leave for 5 minutes and 5 minutes alone, remember I am watching at all times 0.o Step 11: pre-empt when the cake will be done, yes this is part of the fun; oh oh oh we are living on the edge today lasses Step 12: once the cake is ready you can tuck in, put that knife down, pick up again so you can cut the cake of course, then place it back down and send me naked pictures of yourself to show your appreciation ... what we can’t say that on the webzine ? well I’m leaving it there anyway, RUN!

CheerUp Issue 3  

The Biggest Issue Yet!

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