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22nd January

24th January Reading renames itself to the town of Reading.

26th January 29th January Kim Jong Ill ‘s body National Burger used in MJs Nip Fry off thriller; as is Mjs.

3rd February Go Compare Man starts new Nazi regime.

5th February Porn stars demand more hours

7th February Somalia pirates attempt to take over sunken cruise ship.

8th February Somalian’s attempts are unsuccessful, and they end up drowning.

12th February Wikipedia stops being a pathetic fuck and lets people see its webpage

14th February National If-you’resingle-cry-yourselfto-sleep day.

15th February Mass suicide day; interestingly anybody in a relationship remains alive.

16th February Sonia from Eastenders releases sex tape; everybody pukes.

Heather Mills begins her menopause

Foreign Breasts says that the un-employment figures are "HUGELY UNWELCOME", But that she thinks the government will do all it can to get them back on track.

The Unexpected Items is a name that you are life is not to be taken too seriously; and thank god probably not familiar with, but their work is somebody else realises that. recognised throughout the UK. The group are a six piece comedy sketch show, not including their Towards the end of this interview, the wonderful producers and directors, and are, for lack of a word lads and ladies let slip that they were big fans of that describes their intellectual wit, mixed with their the USSR. How does one do that, you may be unique depiction of society, are hilarious. The asking, but it was a simple trap. The Unexpected groups most well known piece of work is Items were asked what superpower they would undoubtedly the „Gap Yah‟ video, that so many of have, and why, and of course, their answer was not us will be familiar with. The sketch shows an upper laser vision, or to fly. No, the group‟s favourite class man, complete with jumper around his superpower is the USSR, as it was a great shoulders, on the phone to a friend telling them superpower, and still retains its retro charm.‟ Well, about his „Gap Yah‟, and managed to collect the we can‟t argue with that, ask a stupid question, as group over six million views, feeding them they say. As a final question, as we do with all our nationwide fame; yet when we asked the group cover stars, we asked the group if they could cheer about their fame, they merely quoted Truman up the world in any one way, how would they. Their Capote in saying that „fame is for wild dogs and answer was this. priests‟. „We live by that‟ they told us. „Find somebody (that) everybody in the world Their new fame, if they will forgive us for hates, and play that bucket of water on the door comparing them to a wild dog, or a child molester, frame practical joke on them just as they‟re going is something they don‟t take seriously at all. When into an important meeting. Then film it and send it asked how the fame has treated them, they told us round on a big email. Having said that, the person that it has bought „Lots of flowers, chocolates, everyone hates probably wouldn‟t be cheered (up) heart shaped balloons and whispered sweet by it, and maybe the person who has to clear it up. nothings. So, kind of like its cheated on us with So technically we‟ve not cheered up the whole another sketch comedy group,‟ the sextuplet joked. world, but the whole world minus two is still pretty Joking as they are, fame has indeed appeared good right?‟ Indeed it is. Somebody give them a TV unfaithful. They are far more deserved of a show, quickly. television slot than the horrific Imitations Show (not The group‟s videos can be found on their Youtube that my dog isn‟t), and it‟s not just because of their channel. Just search for the Unexpected Items. internet sensation. The group have tonnes of other hilarious videos, all which can be seen on their Youtube channel, and could easily fill a whole series with fantastically funny sketches, not least the „Good God‟ sketch, which we loved, and deserves at least as many views as the Gap Yah sensation, if not many more. As this issue is the first of a new year, it made sense to ask the group if they had any resolutions to share with micro-cosm of Cheer Up readers. So what would it be? Get healthy? Less drinking? More shows? „To hold fewer conference calls in the bath,‟ the Unexpected told us. „You can never fully relax if you get the tap end and whoever‟s taking the minutes inevitably gets the paper soggy.‟ The lack of serious answers says something about the ideologies of the band, and mean that they are the ultimate sketch show group to appear in this magazine. The message reads loud and clear that

The New Zealand Farmers Federation, a rural lobby group, claims wool shearers should be recognised alongside the world's finest athletes for their "sport".

This week its unsung heroes, not just hero. The heroes in question are the parents of children whom attend a school in North Devon. St Michaels private school announced last month hat it would be shutting its doors, for financial reasons, but then the parents hit back. They formed a management team as soon as they heard and set about keeping the school open. On Monday the school threw its doors back open. People power, demonstrated by the parents who showed great courage and skill in prising the doors back open!

Actually what’s your favourite type They don’t answer questions of porn? properly Wait, Wait There’s too many Oh like you! Right we are all in a classroom, questions, Okay what men are you attracted Jake Sanderson, Gareth Davey, me Marcello’s looks confused too…. and of course Marcello Teles. So yeah Marcello favourite type of Ermmmmm errrrr hmmmmm We get the interview underway; porn, manga, BBW. Remember heather mills counts as Marcello is wearing a scarf and What actually is BBW? a man posing I thought it was big breasted What? The questions are not structured women? What? and a bit loose, but we are Its big beautiful women “Laughter” expecting the best from this aren’t Ohhhhh I thought it was big black Heather is your watching we Marcello women “Jake does cool point at camera” ……… (Long pause) yes Jakes looks into the camera yeah So who would you choose? What’s the weather like today big “beautiful” women so if you’re Ermmmmm Emma Watson Marcello? watching your “beautiful” Like her hair cut? …….. Extremely shit, I had to get id kinda wants to see some weird Yeah? the bus today and it was cold and kinky bondage thing Oh don’t think she looks like a windy and it didn’t turn up “Laughter” lesbian Oh wow like your scarf, it reminds If you could be a Pokémon what What? me of a uni student, or like tin tin! would you be? What? (Marcello flashes it to the camera) There’s loads of Pokémon……. Okay if you were the last human on Can you do the same with your I know that’s why we asked you, we earth what would you do? nipple? wouldn’t ask you if there was only Ids haul it? I think that’s a bit impossible one.. Oh haul it? Right okay you into a Did you hear about George Genger….. Because he’s always room and see a paper shredder and Michael? got that creepy smile… a chair what would you do? NO “Laughter” …. Id shred the chair……. He’s got pneumonia, if you could Why would you want that? “Laughter” speak to George and say one thing, In the world of superheroes, what And so the interview finished, and what would you say? would your evil power be to there was a shared understanding Wear a scarf….. destroy other superheroes among all the men and Marcello in What do you think about Shrek 4 To make everyone hate other the room that, today we knew more Marcello? superheroes about the life of one Marcello Teles. I like Shrek, “Everyone agrees this is a great …wait there isn’t a Shrek 4 is there evil superpower” (after much debate we come to the What would your name be? conclusion there is a Shrek 4) Erm oh fuck, Ermmmmm Whilst Marcello sits there with a Marcello your language has got a menacing look upon his face ( I lot worse over Christmas reckon he like watching others So anyway what would your name argue) be? What’s your favourite Shrek film? My family do swear a lot……. None of them…. What would your name be? Whys that? Too racist, sexist, too Maybe that is his name many cloths on? Well my name is going to be the All of them…… hater Right do you like manga porn? Oh that’s an okay name….. What!!? What’s your favourite politician? Better yet have you ever watched …there all the same porn? How so?

Marcelo’s opinion on world events...

I‟m not sure if you noticed, but last week it looked like a dead monkey wrote the article; that‟s because it did (hats off to Graham Edward Findlay everybody). We considered this, and therefore spent the next week brushing up on our Sealand literature. A simple trip to the library on the island showed us that Sealand‟s literary collection consists only of a piece of paper once found in a bottle that washed up on the shore. The author is Captain Jack Rhino and all that is written are two words; „need food.‟ Legend has it that JackRhino is still around, and is going to host a web conference anytime soon, until then, we shall try and find a good place to live on the island, by visiting the tiny estate agents that has three houses listed. Spoilt for choice!

Simply A Baby Monkey Going Backwards On A Pig

Hurtful Toilet Paper

The Glorious game...

Just Brilliant watch?v=btVwqdZ4ogM

Wacky Ideas

This week I jumped on Justin because he looks like Bieber from behind, therefore I feel I have done a service to all mankind taking out another shitty look-a-like.

I rate this Backing Jake 8 out of 10 due to the magnificence of the jump!!!

Mechanical spoons – This one goes out to all the fat readers, we‟re just looking out for you guys as much as anybody else. These spoons are mechanical, all you have to do is hold it upright and turn it on, then the spoon swivels naturally around, picking up some of that lush cake, then rotating all the way to your mouth, where the food is dropped. This is a continuous cycle and saves you having to burn valuable carbs by moving the spoon yourself. Thank us when your stuck in that chair, okay? Conveyer Paths – Here‟s another for you fatty‟s out there who just can‟t be bothered to walk down the street – but what if you could move without needing to move even in the slightest; we are proposing that the concrete paths get replaced by conveyor belts to speed up the paths. Just hop on, move to your destination and then jump off again; sounds good, eh? Extendable pockets- Mr Worrall Thompson has inspired this one; pockets that have secret compartments no bigger, nor smaller, than a lump of cheese...

Aries - 21st Mar - 19th Apr I hope you like pears, because you‟re going to be getting a lot of the soft fruit this year, mainly because you ate a pear tree by accident, and you know have a pear tree inside of you. Watch out for partridges.

Taurus - 20th Apr - 20th May Did you have a very merry Christmas? Well good, because you best get ready to become the new Santa Clause, the old one got too fat for his sleigh and was then eaten by Reindeer – looks like its up to you sunshine, get flying!

Gemini - 21st May - 20th June Ever wondered why Pat Butcher is such a grumpy twat? Well wonder no more, the lovely old fart is coming round yours for a game of bingo to tell you all her troubles, and will then insist on never leaving. Who would „ve thought, eh?

Cancer - 21st June - 22nd July Shave all your hair off, this year is gunna be moth infested, the only way you can get rid of them is with 1000 termites…so yeah…you won‟t be very in SEXY this year…chortle!

Leo - 23rd July - 22nd August This year will be your darkest year yet. Your house will be burgled and anything that emits light will be stolen. Three gnomes will be the culprits, and you have no chance to right their wrongs!

Virgo - 23rd August - 21st Nov So as we enter 2012, the last year on earth, I‟m sure your asking „is this it? Is this the end of the world?‟ The answer is no, but it‟s a shame, „cause we‟re all fed up of your ugly mug mate.

Libra - 23rd Sep - 22 Oct Here‟s a new years resolution for you to consider; stop being a massive nob. Seriously.

Scorpio - 23rd Oct - 21st Nov This is going to be the year for you. You‟ll marry into a civil partnership, adopt a surrogate child, lose your anal virginity – and all to your beautiful wife Chai-o from Thailand. Ah the pleasure of the he-she.

Sagittarius - 22nd Nov - 21st Dec Hold on to your testicles, this year the teste fairy is hot on your heels. She‟s got a massive pair, won‟t shut up and constantly has a pair of bollocks hanging from her mouth. Phwoar, put that fire out, Wayne Rooney‟ll be gagging for it.

Aquarius - 20th Jan - 18th Feb Hope you don‟t think you‟re actually going to have a good year. It promises plenty of disappointment, a heavy dose of your repulsion to the opposite sex and spending your Friday nights sitting at home, on your own, with a box of chocolates watching re-runs of This Is Essex. Good year for you.

Capricorn - 22nd Dec - 19th Jan Seen the Hangover 2? You‟re going to wake up new years day, in a strange room, with no idea what happened the night before, after consuming much alcohol, being put through a rough night of shenanigans and finding yourself next to a man named Alan. Just replace the alcohol with rehipnol, the shenanigans with anal and the man named Alan with Gary Glitter… . - 20th March Pisces - 19th Feb It‟s the year of the dragon in 2012, so shove a firework up your bum and light it up, you‟ll be flying through the air breathing fire out of your mouth like no tomorrow!

Your Questions Dear Aunty Mertyl, I was watching my favorite film last night “Transformers” when it dawned on me that I had a Huge crush on one of the main characters after unloading, I enjoyed an nice Salty bowl of popcorn and continued to watch Optimus prime. You have ruined this film for me… get help!

Dear Aunty Mertyl ,Me and my mates recently returned from a caravan holiday to Wales, as soon as we arrived home the trouble started. My mate called me up and demanded why my used JLS condoms were in the back seat of his car, after trying to explain, he hung up on me and we haven't spoke since, I just hope he doesn‟t find any leftover wool down the back of the seats

Hmmmm this is a tricky situation I encounter such a problem in my early days of be a male hooker, just offer your friend a nice woolen fleece and I'm sure all will be fine. Dear Aunty Mertyl, My Girlfriend has a huge arse, at first this was a massive turn on, but now it just gets in the way, what should I do? . Invest in Anul lube and butter that bitch up good, oh yeah gigidy gigidy! My Grandma keeps inviting me over for sleep over's, its becoming rather strange as I recently turn 18 and its becoming hard to explain the situation to my girlfriend Back in the day I enjoyed many sleepovers with my Gran, put it this way with age comes experience, you get what I mean. Email your Questions to:

For Your sakes, and for our sakes we need change

This isn’t going to be like the usual political articles where the writer just complains about how some government plan for some place isn’t working because X amount of people lose 2% of incomes whilst Y amount of people gain a specific benefit for some random amount of time, no this is a space where change and ideas will happen. Why should we all live in a society where people in the UK have a life expectancy of 50? Or where we measure how well we are as a country on how much money we make, if money doesn’t you happy, then why do we measure our lives by it? We live in a society where hundreds of people will be thrown in prison for so many years for petty crimes, I’m not saying these petty crimes are fine or justifiable, but when you compare them to multi-national corporations who can artificially inflate the price of their goods, because they know that the consumers have no choice but to buy them, that’s when you start to feel and to question society. For me our society is controlled by the media, the large Trans national companies and then the government, I mean who started this recession? It wasn’t the 99% of the population who go day by day trying to make the best of situations, it was the greedy investment bankers who, went to the top universities, but didn’t have the brains to foresee an economic disaster, well actually they did have the brains and the foresight, but they were blinded by greed, money and self-interest. Then we have the media, the source of all information, the industry whose job is to tell us what’s happening in the world, hacking peoples phones, holding politicians to ransom, not actually telling us what really is happening and lying through their teeth about people and publishing false articles about people because “it’s in the national interest” funny I’m not interested, the newspapers have almost suffocated us into believing what we see in their papers to be true, when actually not all of it is, now don’t get me wrong not all of it is lies and sleaze and crap, but when you feel as disgusted by the trans-national control that the Murdoch empire has on us as I do, then you can’t help but wonder when our society, our people, the regular Joes who walk along the streets every day and have a pint down the local and occasionally go on YouTube to watch fat children falling over are going to realise that this life, that is quite literally being forced upon us is not the only one we can live, we can take back control, we can live a better life, a happier life where the stress is more minimal and the future isn’t bleak, I mean come on, we spend trillions of pounds on war systems and military equipment to protect us against the threat of war, yet I feel no more protected, all it would take is for one push of a button the destroy this earth, is that what we want? Do we want to fuel the arms face and power the idea that brute force and military action is all right and all mighty, whilst are our world is crippling because of the over use of natural resources, the under research of suitable alternatives to keep our generations and generations to come alive with a fruitful life. In conclusion, what I am really trying to say is that politicians have their hands respectively tied by the trans national companies, “the threat of war” and the power of the media, and comfortable disposition of our society, but it can change, this article will seem like a rant and a bit ambitious and outlandish, but just remember for your sakes, and for our sakes we need change. Follow Me On twitter @grahamfindlay

Is everyone and anyone who has just accept things for what they are, for those who have just accepted their situation, for those who haven‟t fought for change, for a better society and for those who instead of addressing the problem have just tried to cover it up, and deal with it, and finally to those who look at their lives and go we could have been the generation that made the change. Follow Me On Twitter @grahamfindlay

As one of the first major record releases of 2012, A Flash Flood Of Colour (AFFOC) had a lot to live up to. Add into the equation that Enter Shikari had to build on their impressive debut album ‘Take To The Skies’, and also their even more experimental, but spectacular ‘Common Dreads’ many people wondered where they would go from there? Strangely enough they have managed to end up miles away almost in another dimension. However, at the same time the links between the 3 albums are very tight, AFFOC has the pure spirit and punk undertones of their debut album. But it’s not simply Enter Shikari ‘going back to their roots’ because the newest edition takes off from where Common Dreads finished. Put simply it feels like Common Dreads was used to grab the attention of everyone towards the problems in the human race, and now AFFOC really outlines the problems and hammers them into their audience; the rest of the world. The first track ‘System...’ is like a nursery rhyme that sharesRou Reynold’s (the band’s lead singer) view on what is wrong with theworld. Real passion comes through when Rou’s childhood dreams are spoken, adding to the building tension before ‘...Meltdown’ explodes onto the scene. It is proclaimed that “it’s not too late” setting the tone for the album; not one of despair and hopelessness, but one that offers a chance for change and progression. In general the rest of the album is perfectly crafted chaos from the St. Albans boys, songs like ‘Sssnakepit’ & ‘Hello Tyrannosaurus, Meet Tyrannicide’ are instant classics for the mosh pits. Heavy guitar riffs and fast-paced beats keep the tempo of the record up, and don’t give you any chance to catch your breath. One of the most outrageous lyrics produced comes during ‘Gandhi Mate, Gandhi’; the wealthy 1% in the world are told to “Yabba Dabba do one” so that progress can be made for a happier world. Half-way through the record is clearly defined by the beautiful song ‘Stalemate’; lyrics about wars in Afghanistan and Palestine are thought provoking yet offer the possibility of a reprieve for humanity. The repeat of “I’ll live this fantasy” along with an extraordinary piano piece is the perfect ending to a song that leaves you thinking, ‘will we ever reach pure happiness?’ The cleverly named ‘Arguing With Thermometers’, possibly the best song on the album, takes on the issue of climate change head on, with direct lyrics aimed at big oil companies around the world. But that is not the masterstroke of this track, no it is the catchy chorus, which dare I say wouldn’t be at all out of place in the armoury of any big arena rock band. ‘Warm Smiles Do Not Make You Welcome Here’ and ‘Pack Of Thieves’ also follow this stadium rock trend, whilst still having this progression thought thoroughly intertwined. This begs the question, are we seeing the formation of the next big, large venue, rock band in the UK? Are the Shikari lads following in the footsteps of other experimental bands like Muse & Biffy Clyro? AFFOC reached #1 in the mid-week album chart on its release, but is unlikely to hold the spot all the way until Sunday. This feat should not be under-estimated though, it is a triumph for unsigned music as Enter Shikari are currently not signed to a major Label. A triumph for guitar band music that never makes it into the Pop dominated charts. Rou & co will not be thinking about this though, they will be hoping that their music can inspire change in people around the world. ‘Constellations’ is the closing track of the album and symbolises this message with its calm feeling & beautiful lyrics. The metaphor of taking the right track to “sustainability” by walking with our own two feet is the most powerful part of the record. It looks like the constellations in the sky are not even a limit to this band who will continue certainly to grow in the music scene, but perhaps more importantly they may be able to inspire change in our world. Taking their name from the 1994 hit film Natural Born Killers, Mallory Knox are just about ready to strom the world in 2012, with a nationwide headline tour ahead of them come next January. The quintet play an alternative post-hardcore genre, with soft tones hiding beneath heavy riffs within their songs, all completed by the tremendous vocals of lead singer Mikey Chapman. The band is made up of four other members; Joe (guitars), Sam (bass), James (Guitar) and Dan (Drums). The band released debut EP Pilot, which features their biggest song to date, Oceans, in 2010, which featured work from Daniel Lancaster (Lower Than Atlantic), the prodocuer of the album. All of this work from the band has lead to a peak of headlining the London Islington in January 2012; keep a beady eye out for the Knox boys – 2012 looks to be the year of the breakthrough for them.

New part of this segment... a team very close to heart... KFC. And no I‟m not mental... there is a team called KFC... I should know... I play for it... It‟s not an MLS team or even a real team... It‟s a 7 a side team which I play for... Pretty much it‟s just a group of us guys... some of which help with this magazine, that all have a laugh playing together against 30+ year old try hards at Power league... Fun times I can assure you! Well anyway so every issue I will inform you of our results and achievements... Yes... because you CARE! Well this week is a good one to start on as we won 5-0... Possibly our best Result ever!! I mean at 7 a side a clean sheet is rare even for the good teams! We played out of our skins almost... plus we beat Robbie Savage (some guy looked just like him...) if you aren‟t familiar here is an Image... (GARETH GETS A PICTURE OF ROBBIE SAVAGE!) All in all a good Sunday night game... worthy of Barcelona‟s place on Sky sports... or was that on Saturday? Either way they didn‟t win... against some silly Spanish team, I cannee remember... I mean 2-2 is poor for the „Best team‟ in the WORLD! Just silly... But still KFC! We are a team of pure talent... hahahaha... we won

second time in a week! 2-0 to Beerschot( HAHAHA... it‟s funny cause... well it‟s beer... schot like as in shot... two alcohol pun). This comes off of another defeat the the not so mighty, Gent... Gent... and Genk.... WHO COMES UP WITH THESE NAMES??!! I mean really! *storms out in a strop* *sighs* okay I‟m back... but seriously you gotta... ahh forget it! Mario Been was very disappointed as he has just signed a 2 year extension on his contract! The Genk bus now sits 7 th in the Pro League! MON THE GENK BUS!

Checking Out the Uefa club rankings the other day... Barca are top (obviously) Man U second ( Europa LOL) and Chelsea are third... Chelsea hasn‟t even won the Champions league... They won the Uefa cup... whatever that was.. but not the biggest price in Europe... also I stumbled on Rangers and Celtic... Rangers were 47th and Celtic were 61st (Roll on the Scottish Banter) and of course the mighty Genk were 107th... Hahahaha! In future reference... Also Heskey signed for Barcelona... 200 million and Messi... Aston Villa now has Messi... HESKEY!

THE PERFECT HANGOVER CURE FOR ANTHONY WORRALL THOMPSON Okay guys we have covered our ideal festive dinner. Now it is time to tackle the ongoing debate, what is the perfect cure for a hangover? It needs to be easy to cook and simplistic ... who better to seek inspiration from than the hard working and an example to society, Anthony Worrall Thompson (you can find his restaurant just off the M1 at Gallowstree, just past Tesco next to the vineyard) This is, INTERPERT CHEESE STRAWS! Firstly, roll out your readymade puffy pastry, on a flour based surface, measuring to how ever long you want them to be, I’m easy going. Firmly grasp your knife and trim the edges into whatever you desire. Check your refrigerator to make sure you have enough cheese and wine for the 35 minute onslaught of cooking. Secondly, After you wake up from your drunken daze and succumb to the realisation that you have gorged on all your cheese and wine you must pop down to your local Tesco’s to resupply; Once you have arrived at Tesco you realise you have forgotten your wallet you are left with one alternative and one alone ... you must ring Anthony Worrall Thompson help line to become the Ninja Jedi Thief that he so proudly became ... until he was reviled by the sun that he was a just a standard thief with no actually Ninja Jedi powers!!! ANTHONYS STEP BY STEP GUIDE ON SUCCESSFUL TESCO ROBBERIES Step 1: Become a dwarf with ginger hair to enhance invisibility cloaking Step 2: Buy a jacket with extendable pockets allowing extra space to place Tesco finest wine and cheese into your pockets Step 3: FORGET THAT YOU OWN A RESTURANT WHERE YOU CAN SURLEY GET FREE CHEESE AND WINE FROM IF YOU WANT TO, AT ANY TIME OF THE DAY!! Step 4: Run, do not look back just run BACK TO THE RECIPE Ok, you did it, well done. Thirdly, spread out your shape and slaver anchovy paste all over that bad boy, with a bit of sprinkled parsley and poppy seed. Splash some wine into the mixture for shits and gigs ... you alcoholics Fourthly, Now it’s time for the CHEESE, it always tastes better free and without the loss of your dignity and respect. Use any cheese you like, APART FROM MOZZARELLA I hate mozzarella!!! And sprinkle it on your pastry. Fifthly, Place into a preheated oven, yeah sorry forgot to mention that part, for 10-12 minutes until they look yummy. During this time celebrate all your effort with a bottle of wine also your great thieving Ninja Jedi powers !! Seventhly, take out of the oven and beginning eating your lovely cheese straws to cure your hangover and get one up on society!! VIVA LE THOMPSON!!

CheerUp Issue 2  

A look at the the world as we see it.