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Most random News of the week Parrots love Gangnam style. A parrot, a normal, bog standard parrot has learnt to sing Gangnam Style. In a video as truly annoying as the little Korean man’s horrendously annoying (but I will admit, quite funny) song, a white parrot sings along with the video. Sadly he does not do the brilliant sidestep and horse riding dance. Now the animal kingdom are getting involved, will it ever stop? Oh god, please say it will. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXvHyy1WL8

“Parrots Love Gangnam

Style”

Un-sung Hero(s) of the Week “

It Has To Be The

BBC”

Well it has to be the BBC in this one. Not for their horrendous handling of many, many situations, but instead for their persistent charity event. We’re talking Children in Need, that happens every year and helps out the kids in Africa as well as any other charity night. It is so brilliantly done every year, with a host of brilliant presenters (Sir Wogan, Grimmy, FEARNE COTTON) and raises such awareness and hope for the kids of Africa, that without the BBC, the African nations would surely be in a worse state than ever before. The poor guys…well done BBC. Now please sort out the paedo shit…I want real news back on my T.V!!!!


If someone told you 7 years ago that by simply posting video’s of yourself covering popular artists song that one day you might just become famous, you might laugh at them, maybe even call them mad, but the game has changed thanks to the online giant YouTube, it was via this platform that Conor Maynard erupted onto the scene. The 19-year-old pop sensation from Brighton took his chance and now faces hoards of screaming girls. Safe to say the work is paying off.

Well the thing is, I was only 19, so I wouldn’t have been able to do anything in America. Its weird because if I went over, I’d have gone from being an adult in the UK to wanting my Mum to tuck me into bed at 10pm in America.

The biggest thing for me has been having to grow up, being surrounded by adults everywhere. I was the biggest loser around when I was young, but when I started getting successful I definitely matured very quickly.

What did you do at college? I did Geography, ICT, Media Studies and Music Technology.

Do you miss being unnoticed? I think the thing I miss most is not being able to eat in privacy. Like I can’t sit down in Nando’s to just chew on a burger because somebody will come up and ask me questions.

So were you always interested in music? Well it’s weird, because it was only Conor hit on the idea of recording the first year I had done music. I songs and posting them on YouTube, didn’t take it at GCSE. If it wasn’t for he did this with the use of two music, I’d probably be doing Singstar microphones from Geography at university now. Playstation 2 sellotaped to his bedpost and a simple karaoke What’s the capital of Germany? backing track. Simple beginnings for Berlin. I should know that, I’m going the boy who now has his name in tomorrow. lights where ever he goes. What was it like having a number Safe to say when CheerUp got the one album? chance to chat we jumped on the It was one of those weird feelings opportunity. where I was worried it wouldn’t get to number one, but it did. It was a crazy How did it feel being scouted by Ne- feeling. yo? Yeah it was amazing, I was just What’s it like working with Ne-yo? doing my YouTube covers. There When I first met him I was very was no plan behind it, I wasn’t like intimidated, like there was this ‘yeah I’m going to do this and get massively famous RnB singer and I famous’ it was more ‘just get home, was just this geek musician. I noticed say hi and record a new track.’ I did a straight away though how down to cover of Usher, OMG and that got earth he was, and he became a 100,000 views and I was like ‘Oh my friend really quickly. He writes god I’m famous!’. I needed to do incredible songs, but he’s a friend another cover, so I did Ne-yo’s more than anything else. Beautiful Monster. That was my first cover to hit a million views. When it As a writer, is it weird seeing people reached about two million views, doing covers of your song? that’s when Ne-yo’s management Well when I wrote “Can’t Say No”, it called me. I didn’t believe them at was so weird hearing that being sung first, but then, the next day at 1.30 in back at me! Brilliant though, I loved the morning, I was talking to Ne-yo it. on Skype. They invited me to America to visit Ne-yo, and then What do you do with your time off? loads of UK labels were getting Well I moved away from my family involved. They set up meetings and into London. Its weird because I then I had to pick a label. I didn’t go know I’m not ready to move in by with Ne-yo’s at first, because I didn’t myself, even though I am. I didn’t want to move away. have a TV for a month, and my fridge doesn’t even work right now. My You didn’t want to move to America? room is so messy and everything.

Everybody is comparing you to Justin Beiber, how does that feel? Well at first it was weird, and then I made the album and they moved on to a new Justin – Justin Timberlake! But I don’t want to be the next Justin, I want to be the first Conor. It is weird but I do feel quite honoured by the comparison. What was it like being on Celebrity Juice? It was good…but it was also pretty awkward. My Mum watched it and I was talking about anal sex so she wasn’t a big fan. Keith Lemon, he’s brilliant. That’s not even a character, he basically becomes himself. Finally, how would you CheerUp the world? I would Cheer the world Up with music, because I think that music is the one thing that everyone can relate to. Everyone can relate to the lyrics in songs and has been through similar problems and overcome the same problems that the artist has. So there we go. He loves Geography, and rejected Neyo…Conor Maynard is a lad, turning from a boy to a man. Brace yourself world, Conor is coming for you.


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ONES TO WATCH

Shehan Noel There’s a new king of pop, and he’s from sunny Sri Lanka. Shehan Noel, with his amazing record Girls to The Right, which notched an astonishing 963,000 views in just a matter of days, is ready to hit the big style. He is currently based in London, and is expecting a huge album to hit the world soon…but in the meantime, read our interview and hunt him down, because Shehan Noel is due to be amazing.

training in Martial Arts since I was around 9 years old. As a result of my previous experience in Martial Arts; I worked as a Senior Karate Instructor and Assistant Regional Manager for a Karate Club in UK for 2 years. I’ve stopped teaching Karate at the moment; however, I train on a daily basis and spend a lot of my time at the Gymnasium keeping fit. This is how I keep my mind occupied when I’m not making music.

Q: How have cultural experiences affected your music? A: It hasn’t affected my music by any shape or form. I was brought up in an English background, my first language was English and I gradually started picking up on the Singhalese language when I was about 6 years old. So as a result, I never listened to Singhalese music. I only listened to English Radio stations and English music. So I would say that my music is mostly influenced by the American & British cultures.

Q:Is it hard to live in London? A:It can be hard to live in London if you aren’t disciplined, street smart and a survivor. But if you are all of the above, the sky is the limit. There are a lot of opportunities in London for the right people, but the sad truth is you rarely find the right people nowadays. If you play your cards right London could be a Goldmine.

Q: Was this a point in your career you ever expected to reach? A:I don’t think most human beings are ever satisfied with what they have. That’s the main reason for evolution. I haven’t achieved the success I desire as yet. But this point in my career is commendable because I have come a long way from my humble beginnings in Sri Lanka. I have developed myself overall as a Singer, Song Writer, Music Producer and Dancer. Q:What are your favourite things to do when you aren't making music? A:My Dad was a Karate Instructor in Sri Lanka; he had his own Karate club with classes running all over the country. I have been

Q:Who are your main inspirations? A:My main Inspiration is myself. When I set my self a goal, I make sure I achieve it. I am also inspired by my Father who was from a very poor family and through sheer hard work and persistence has become one of the most successful people in the Insurance Industry in Sri Lanka. Michael Jackson has also played a great role in my life, I grew up listening to his music and I respect him for what he has given to the world. Q:What is the dream for you? A:My dream is to have my songs & videos played even after my death, and for people to remember me as a great Artiste.


Q:Can you point at a moment where you realised things were going to change? A:I realised things were going to change when I met my producer Andy Whitmore who conquered the UK charts with 14 top ten hits including “Flava” by Peter Andre and “I’ve Got A Little Something For You” by MN8, Andy also produced & co-wrote 2 tracks on Lemar’s triple platinum album “Time to Grow” & produced Atomic Kitten’s top 5 UK hit, “Ladies Night”. I knew that things were going to change significantly when Andy & I started working together. My hobby has now become my livelihood. Q:The Sri Lankan 'prince'. Is this a crazy title? A:I don’t know what it means. But I know for a fact that, I wouldn’t want to be called that as I think it’s a bit corny.

A:By giving something to the world so that the world remembers me even after I’m long gone. Let the Sri Lankan prince into your life…he will not let you down with his pop/R’n’B sound. Check him out if you love Prince, Ne-yo, Jason Derulo.

“ Don’t I

Q:If you could be in a movie, what would it be? A:I would much rather prefer to be in an Action packed/Martial arts movie as opposed to a comedy or even a horror movie. However, I enjoy watching all genres of movies. Q:How would you cheer up the world?

Most

Human-Beings

Q:Who is the Sri Lankan king? A:There isn’t a King in Sri Lanka anymore, just the president. Q:What's the greatest moment of your life? A:I consider every moment in life to be great.

Think

Are

Ever Satisfied With What They

Have”


Cosmo Jarvis The man with the acoustic, but brilliant songs, Cosmo Jarvis is on his way back. With a large following, including Stephen Fry and Kylie Minogue, Cosmo looks set to really explode in the next year or so. With prior hits, including Humasyouhitch/Sonofabitch and Is The World Strange or Am I Strange? , we were all waiting for this new record Think Bigger to hit the table. So when asked whether or not we wanted to review it, we jumped at the chance. So here it is. Track 1 shows something that Jarvis doesn’t often display in songs; and it’s such an orthodox song that it was very surprising to hear. ‘Love This’ is actually about a girl. A girl. Wow…from the big hit Gay Pirates, it was never imagined that Cosmo Jarvis could be inspired by love…but he has done. Love this is a beautiful song, with a smooth beat that makes your foot tap. It leads well into Train Downtown, which (dare I say it) sort of reminds

me of Westlife. Not in the boyband sense, but in a more…entertaining sense. The song appears to be about Cosmo leaving a package on a train downtown, which prompts questions such as what was in the package? Why did he leave it there? Why does the verse cover a completely different theme? So are the ways of Mr Jarvis…the confusing man. Then of course, the song hits three minutes and HELL is literally released upon the listeners. Violins, screaming Cosmo, electric guitars. MENTAL! Then it dips nicely back into the actually song after the strange interlude, with some trumpets overlaying the song. Train Downtown, despite being questionable…is amazing. Tell Me Who To Be is a very upbeat song, enhancing the need to dance to this record, which is not surprising, but not orthodox dancing either. More line dancing. Cosmo actually reveals a pretty sweet side here, saying ‘I would jump in front of

traffic, moving at high speed, if it meant you’d be safe,’ which is rather nice of him (if not a bit dramatic). The song Lacie gives a very chilled out sound to the album, with the presence of a banjo. It drones on a little bit, like Anne Widicombe or The Weakest Link, but it is a nice idea of Cosmo Jarvis’. Sunshine comes next…well this HAS to be positive, right? RIGHT? The chorus ‘I’m so sick of the sunshine’ proves different. And what a chorus! The gang vocals and angry tune is so infectious made me fall in love with Jarvis that little bit more, and the pathetic fallacy (CLEVER POINTS) aids the moody feel. Oh…and he does scream a little bit and play electric guitar…that sort of helps the whole moody thing. Then the song breaks down with more guitar…ROCK ON WITH COSMO! If you still have energy after the heaviest ever song titled sunshine, Good Citizen will have you swaying. More heavy

Green Day-Tre! 11 December


music, more rocking out as Cosmo serves up the punchy tune, about how good a citizen he is. Of course .littered with black humour and great one liners, the song just adds to the never-ending list of amazing songs Jarvis owns. He is not, however, a good citizen. But that’s another story. Friend of The Devil is back to country rock…I don’t know where Cosmo gets his ideas from, but they are so varied it almost hurts…none of his song titles fit the type of song played. Friend of The Devil is more chilled out, keeping pretty consistent throughout and relaxing the listener. Of course, he is merely tricking us…waiting for the listener to get their guard down…then BAM! Hopeless Bay…what a name. And of course as with every good name song in Cosmo’s collection…it is so chilled out it might as well be pop. Again he whips out the banjo, to soothe his listeners about suicide…it isn’t so jolly really. Whatever. No, seriously, that’s the

Bruno Mars- Unorthodox Jukebox 11th December

name of the next song. Whatever starts pretty darn jolly, as Cosmo reveals that he wants to find something every day, looking behind the eye and seeing everything he can’t see right. Again its pretty consistent. The last song too, A Girl From My Village, is exceptionally sad. Singing about a girl from his village who died, that he did not know very well, passed on. The song is rich with injustice, as Cosmo regularly sings about, when good girls die and bad guys stick around. It’s quite sad actually, and makes you want to curl in a ball and hate God if he exists. It’s a short song, which is suitable to the album, which is just ten minutes long, but it’s so heartfelt, that it’s a beautiful roundoff to a thoroughly enjoyable and entertaining album. Well done Cosmo.

Ke$ha- Warrior 4th December

PLAYLIST AC/DC-Back In Black Robbie Williams-Candy Rudimental-Not Giving In

Olly Murs-Troublemaker

Paloma Faith- Fall To Grace 4th December


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First and foremost, how are you? I’m very good. I’ve had a very lazy morning which is nice! You are well known as a Warwickshire lass, what’s your favourite memory of growing up at home? I think because now I’ve lived for five years in London my favourite memory is just going for walks really! You don’t realise how lucky you are to just be able to walk down the road and be in the middle of a field surrounded by complete silence on your own. Living in a city is so claustrophobic because there are so many people. It’s good to have your own space outside. Let’s talk music, the new single ‘Bikes’, what inspired the song? It has very relatable lyrics! ‘Bikes’ is one of the older songs. A lot of the things I think about I wouldn’t feel comfortable singing about. I would never sing about a certain emotion because all of them are so connected to me. When I’m writing, listening to the chords and things I go into a sort of subconscious area of my mind and lyrics will just fall out. And once I’ve finished it I feel like wow I can’t believe I’ve written a song about this! Because I’m such a closed book my emotions usually surprise me when I finish a song. If I ever consciously thought about it I don’t think I’d ever do it, it would be too difficult in a way. Describing all the things my songs are about is one thing I’m really bad at. Singing about it is hard enough, but then talking about it is something else. I really like people that have their own interpretations of a song and not ruining it by telling you exactly what it’s about. On the subject of the video what was it like playing a bad-ass? It was wicked! When I came out with the idea I was like right, this is what I want. All my other videos have been me walking around. I wanted people to watch this video and go ‘bloody hell Lucy Rose is a complete bad-ass’. That’s all I wanted to achieve really. It was a lot of fun. You can see from the outtakes that my acting is very bad. These huge biker men are like ‘come on you can do it get angry, get in the moment!’ and then there’s me this small little English girl amongst these big hairy bikers watching a sun set across a desert. I think they had a really good time as well. Particularly in the video is the milk bar slide scene, how many times did it take you to film that? We were desperately trying not to spill the milk but we couldn’t not without the guy’s hand coming into shot so the director was just like ‘screw it, let’s spill the milk’. We had two days to film the whole thing. I kept smiling during the shoot; there was only one time where I was relatively serious. Did the album ‘Like I Used To’ have any inspiration behind it? Excluding ‘Bikes’, all the other songs have been inspired by things. There was a time in my life growing up where I was truly discovering who I was, I was wanting to be a musician, it was difficult at times. This album really is a nostalgic one which represents my late teens and early twenties. It’s an album of songs written when I thought this all was not going to be possible let alone achievable. The fact that these songs are now on an album and recorded, you know it’s kind of bizarre really. Who would you say is your biggest musical influence? Oh there are several fantastic musicians that inspire me. For this album when I was trying to work out what I wanted my sound to be it became difficult because of all the computers, technology and producers they can make anything sound so good. But I think that takes it away from the character of the song. It gets so glossy, there’s no human element in the music anymore. There’s no soul, there’s nothing to it. It’s just a robotic sound. That was something that I definitely didn’t want to make. Listening to old Mill Young albums, there are so many characters, and the imperfections are what made the whole thing sound so good. I

did a lot of research in to how he recorded things and how many mics he used on the drums. It was so pure; I decided this was what I wanted to do. It just worked out that we could do it in my parent’s house with just a few mics, I think that’s what gives the feel to the album, just all the tiny imperfections. If you could play a show with any other band or artist who would it be? That’s a difficult question, there are so many bands that are really good live that I’d love to play with but I’m not sure if they’d just upstage me. I’m not sure if that would be a good look! How much do your fans mean to you? They’re everything. I mean I’ve been doing this for five years and I didn’t get a huge amount of interest from the industry. People didn’t really get me. It was too easy and I was just a girl with a guitar. I was just classed as a ‘singer songwriter’, people picked holes in me before they’d even heard me. I wanted to be something different from that and I think the fans gave me a chance. They enjoyed it and understood me for who I was. I don’t even like using the word ‘fans’, it’s like they’re so formal and distant from me. They’re not though! I love talking to everybody after the gigs, I get to learn what they liked about it. That for me is the whole reason I do this. How have you found fame? Are you being noticed on the streets? Sometimes, although not very often, usually I find I can just around on the tube and no one will notice me. I’m not really at that point where fame has affected me yet. You used to play every open mic night available, usually to a small crowd, what is it like selling out five hundred capacity venues with ease? It’s completely surreal. I have to remind myself because it’s been such a slow gradual build. It steadily got bigger over a five year period so it hasn’t felt like a shock as such. If someone said to me five years ago that I’d be selling out these venues then it would have been a massive shock. What was it like playing with Bombay Bicycle Club and featuring on their album? They’re five of my best friends. They’re just the nicest boys I’ve ever met in my life. They are an amazing band and it is a privilege to have been a part of two of their albums now. I just hope I get to do more with them in the future. What can we expect for the future? Hopefully more music! And more albums, touchwood. I’m already thinking about where I can go from here. I’m not sure what to say to expect because I don’t even know what to expect myself! How would you cheer up the world? I don’t know, if I could cheer up the world that would be amazing, I don’t really know how I’d do it though. I’d give everybody a football, there you go.


JUST A SPOON FULL OF SUGAR HELPS THE MEDICINE GO DOWN Thousands applied, twelve were chosen. Young Apprentice came back with a bang.

Competition– BBC One Thursday’s

Young Apprentice

Young Apprentice returned to our screens on November 7th beginning series three of the BBC1 television show. Following on from the original televised series of ‘The Apprentice’ revealed the junior version, which is considerably hilarious due to a few of the candidates looking about 12 years old… although on a serious note their abilities and achievements so far are truly quite astonishing. The twelve aspiring tycoons’ and their somewhat immature bickering combined with Sugar’s hilarious quotes have set up a good eight weeks to say the least. In week one, we saw the two teams go head to head in order to simply select and market pieces of clothing which were previously discarded items. For team ‘Odyssey’ unfortunately the project manager, Patrick, had decided to combine a wetsuit and a kimono

which unsurprisingly turned out to be a disaster. Team Platinum, went with a more sensible approach. In return for the girls’ recognisable efforts and noticeably higher profit they were granted a boat trip on the Thames, and the boys? Yes they did indeed return to that dreary café that features in every series. They must sell incredible tea to get a film crew in there every week. The episode came to a close with Max receiving the stubby finger in the process of getting fired. Since then Sugar turned up the heat and we saw the two teams create a cookery book, ‘The Professional Woman’ and ‘#where’smummy?’ where they had to pitch the idea to of Britain’s top book sellers. ‘#where’smummy’ was all very impressive until you read it and discover the numerous spelling and grammatical mistakes. Good one guys, I’m sure everyone


wants to read about eating ‘eight rashes’. ‘The Professional Woman’ lost miserably despite the project manager having the title ‘World’s Youngest Publisher’ on his CV. Resulting in Sean sitting in the board room for the last time. Following on from that, things turned all incredibly dramatized when Lord Sugar announced they had to scour London for bargain priced props for the London Coliseum. The day gradually grew more and more hectic for both teams and time began to run out. Platinum were late, and Odyssey didn’t purchase half the required items. However Odyssey still got it in the bag. Alice was the first female candidate to be fired. The following week’s challenge was a test for everyone’s patience. ‘Kids are absolute spoilt brats and I can’t stand ones like that’ says Lucy Beauvallet, before the task even

commences. Team Odyssey created a class filled with explosions, alien goo and even a club mascot. Team Platinum’s art class ‘The Big Mess’ got chaotic when paint began to start covering every in of the room. The potential buyers looked horrified at the concept. Finally David was recognised as the bad egg of the group once again, and was fired. There are still a few nail biting episodes left to come, and more fingers to be pointed. It’ll be interesting to see what tasks Sugar, Karen and Nick have lined up for the remaining budding entrepreneurs. See for yourself on BBC One at 8:00PM on Thursday. Keep an eye out for the final on 27th December!


The Gaza Conflict Following World War Two Britain effectively screwed over the Jews and the Palestinians – no change there then! Land which was to become Israel in 1948 was heavily populated by Palestinians, none more so than the ‘Gaza Strip’ on the West coast. So Britain thought ‘why not give the Jews a homeland, and in the process piss off the Palestinians who had already been promised the land just years before’. Yes, the UK had already said they would reward them with land for overthrowing the Turkish rule in the area.

To add to this our ‘noble’ Government completely pulled out of the area in 1948, leaving the two sides to fight amongst themselves. The backlash of this can still be felt today with Israel assuming control of Gaza’s borders and airspace – even though the area is currently under a Palestinian rule. Effectively the Palestinians in Gaza are prisoners in their own home, and the largest power in the world, the USA, feel compelled to keep it that way. Both they and Israel strongly oppose Palestine becoming their own recognised state – knowing America it’s


probably for ‘terror’ (oil) reasons. It’s not all terrible though! The Real Madrid player Cristiano Ronaldo has donated his 2011 La Liga ‘Golden Boot’ worth $1.5 million to aid Palestinian children in Gaza. Not bad for a “self-indulgent, greedy football” eh? Along with this the social movement “Step Up” have shown their support for a ‘Free Gaza’ by bringing out a T-Shirt that 100% of its profits will go into helping the impoverished in Gaza. What’s more, they have blogs and opinions on the

matter which are well worth a read if you want to know more. Another small but vital victory is that Palestine is now an ‘observer state’ like the Vatican; a huge step towards eventual peace and sovereignty! This was down to the UN, who was pushed all the way by an online petition signed by 1.8 million people on avaaz.org, a vehicle to achieve change in the world. They have a number of other petitions and discussions aimed at making the world a better place, so it is a website

you should definitely check out. With the tide seemingly turning in Gaza hopefully we can look forward to a peaceful, free and independent Palestine, who presides wholly over the Gaza strip. However knowing the human race, probably not. Connor Furness


I Have a routine. I sit here every morning and watch Scrubs at 8.15-9.15, including breaks (although sometimes I wander around in my underwear wondering where I am, before being rudely reminded by my Father that I’m in his house) and then I write for four hours straight, trying so damn hard to succeed in life despite only being eighteen. Enough about me though…I turned on the news and saw that all the birds are disappearing in Britain. Initially this made me happy. No bird poo falling from the sky onto the shoulders of innocent people from the crazy ass seagulls who just let themselves be relieved mid-flight. Of course, people call this good luck, despite this being a pile of bullroar. You’ve now got bird shit on you. That’s not good. Of course, I then realised that there would be no pleasant bird sound if the birds all go. This, again, isn’t that bad. They wake me up. Yeah, it sounds nice, but anything that wakes me up sounds like a stupid drunk singing outside my window in an unnaturally high tone. Bastards. To conclude, don’t be too sad about birds going. Unless you like being shat on.

@Charles_HRH Yes Camilla, that’s exactly what William and Kate were doing in France. #Royalbaby

@Lord_Voldemort7 #Royalebaby is trending. So soon there will be a new half-blood prince?

@Queen_UK Text from Cameron: “So excited about the news of the royal baby! Hopefully it’ll divert some headlines away from the economy/ Levesons ect!” Nob.

@frankieboyle Hi Pope. You know how the clergy are our line of communication with God? When priests shag kids does God feel it? Is he into it?

@VeryGrumpyCat Grandma got run over by a reindeer? Good.


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Do-over Wise Cracks Awkward Moment Warner Procrastination Nation

Do-over wise Crack Ever been in a horrible position when someone is mean to you and then you REALLY want to say some bad ass remark beack, but you can’t figure out what it is that would have kicked ass SO much. Well then, the Do-over Wise Crack means you can now simply go back to that moment at the push of a button, after carefully considering what to say, and, as it suggest…DO OVER. Awkward moment warner We’ve all done it. Saying something to somebody that hits a new low. ‘Oh how’s your dead dog’ for example, is not a funny thing to say to somebody that has a dead dog, is it? Now you can be warned of these people. With a little mind chip that instead of saying the awkward thing, makes you start singing I’m a Little Teapot (though if they are the little teapot, this may again cause problems…though let’s be honest why are they your friend if they are the little teapot? You weirdo.) Thus avoiding the problems.

Procrastination Nation We all do this, but some people (Jake Sanderson) are such severe procrastinators that they deserve to be expelled from the country. They should be taken, and placed into confinement in some rubbish place…let’s say Scotland, and kept there, where they can no longer bother us with their procrastination.


The Recipe Your Boring This week I have hit a writers block, I can’t think of slap to the nipple. She will even full fill all your anything I care enough about to mock in only a sexual desires, even if it’s a threesome with a manner I find amusing. So in my bored state of depressed horse who can only moo. mind I thought about how tragic and dull 95% of everybody’s life has become, a tireless cycle of being stuck in a routine of nothingness where you either get up at 6 or 7, get home around 5 or 6 - sit around and do nothing because you’re so tired all you want to do is watch awful TV and play with your willy. And when the weekend comes you go out and get drunk because your dead end job is so boring the only resolution to the matter is spending all your money on memories you can’t remember. As you might have assumed this is a little bio of my life currently but I have crafted certain ways to improve my life and your lives through some simple steps (I haven’t really but I’m just going to make them up now) Step 1 for improved life: Buy a Thai, or Russian, bride. We all know how much hassle women can be all of the time! With there constant whingeing about nothing and forgetting how to go into the kitchen and cook you a god damn meal!! And as the years go past the rumpie pumpie dwindles out, just like a bird, whose wings are bitten off mid flight by a devil worshipping woodlouse, dwindles to the ground. Thus buying a Thai, or Russian, bride would resort to instant improvement in your life. She will basically be your bitch; she’ll cook for you when ever you want, clean your house without you even having to put her in her place with a pimp

Step 2 for improved life: Make the effort to get out of your house during the weekdays; this is essential to making drastic improvements in your life’s quality. Even if it is simply joining a gym or punching squirrels in their tail, whatever it is you


To Improve Empty Life will meet new and potentially fun people, which will whisk you up from your boring routine and your boring surroundings. Although the people you may meet are participants in the RSPCA, or the IRA, but it will definitely spice up you life. Step 3 for improved life: On the weekends attempt not to blow all your money on a gigantium ton of alcohol. Go round a friends house and plot how to continue the good work of Guy Fawkes by blowing up parliament and allowing a chance for a new hybrid of democracy to evolve instead of our, the civilian, current lack of importance in decision making due to vast similarities between the parties and lack of cooperation amongst the two parties who do not have societies and man kinds interest at heart but their own personal, mundane, views that cripple the economy and destroy the values of a once respected Empire. Basically what im trying to say is to blow up parliament, banks and all wankers around the world in some epic Guy Fawkes Fight club collaboration. I Must warn this is an incredibly bad idea and should definitely not be attempted! Not the usual hilarity but im so fucking tired and pissed off at the world and how we stand by and allow the world’s governments make crucial decisions that effect our life’s without us really having a say, we get to vote and participate in all democratic levels, such as pressure groups, but are only really effective if there is huge wave of

support for that certain single issued idea. What I wish happened was nation uproar against this and people to actually stand up for the right thing, I hope Mr Cameron reads this and realises taking action does not mean we have to reap rewards or we stand by idle watching the horrors this earth has to offer. By the way this is more than likely to be poorly explained cause im half asleep and pissed off for no reason. Now screw you guys, im watching South Park.


I

‘m on a train. It’s

the 23rd of November and someone has stolen my milk. That's right reader! (I use the word reader because no one reads my column except the editor, so Gareth I'm on a train. In fact he edits this part - well he says he does, lets test him awokilop, if the word awokilop stays in then he doesn't edit my columns very well. (GRAHAM SHUT UP, yours truly, Gareth.) What the funny thing is that, because I've referred to the word awokilop he now can't actually delete it otherwise this whole paragraph won't make any sense. Graham one, editing


zero. (Again, shut up.) I won't lie I went a tad off track their. Who knows why? I certainly don't. Anyway, milk. Someone - and I don't know who- has stolen my milk. It's a bloody disgrace, I had an innocent 1 pint left from a 2 Pinter of full fat milk and to my sheer horror, when I went to make a cup of Rosey Lea it had gone! I should mention that Rosey lea is a cockney saying for tea and it isn't me trying to boil, then tea bag a women who is properly elderly called Rosey lea. I know what you’re thinking. "Graham this is a grand story and all, but you’re missing the very gripping and heart wrenching main plot of your stolen milk, can you stick to it please, and do you have any pictures to support your

outlandish claim?" Well firstly I was horrified and also doubtful. There is the possibility that I did actually finish it and I've forgotten about this little fact, but then again who would just forget they finished off their milk?! It's not an easy thing just to forget, like killing someone, the thought will play on your mind! Picture evidence, I hear you say and we'll I've got some, here's a picture of the door of my fridge. As you can see there is 1 carton with 4 pints of semi skimmed . with a final pint, and one with 2, but no full fat 2 pints. Evidence enough? I think so. I would like to point out this is probably enough to get a man convicted and sent to his death in Alabama. But boom here's the twist, what if I actually bought 1 ½ pints of

semi skimmed milk? The goal posts have moved, the chefs are all of a sudden crapping in the brew! Shock horror, if I bought the semi skimmed milk then, actually what's happened is the poor old Greek guy I live with has been witness to his milk vanishing mysteriously! And it's been me. I've been stealing it blatantly in front of him, well the shock horror of that situation, I'm a criminal mastermind without even really knowing. So there we go, I'm given an entire month to write an article and its written 2 days late about stolen milk, bit rubbish really, bet your annoyed you read it, and how it's wasted your time, well matey, there's no pint crying over spilt milk. Graham Findlay @grahamfindlay


Every Film Have A Silv This is one of the craziest, most brilliant films for quite some time. Not only does it have two top class actors in Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, but the story line…wow. Nothing has gripped me like this one. Made me laugh, made me cry. Made me angry, made me grin. So let’s begin with the beginning… Open scene to a Bradley Cooper getting out of a mental home (with a strange cut atop his nose, which is never explained) and getting into the car with his Mother, where a wonderfully insane Chris Tucker attempts to break out using Pat (Cooper) as a scapegoat. He gets caught, but as his role in this film; like a strange drug dealer, he always seems to just turn up with his bubbly

personality. Danny (Tucker) gets returned, and Pat goes back home to meet his also, but not institutionalised, crazy father who is obsessed with Pat being a lucky charm and wants to spend more family time with him. Everybody is concerned that Pat is determined not to get better, but to get back to his ex-wife (Nikki, played by Brae Bee)…(You know the A-list actress? Oh. She got lucky with this film, technically she is a main character but she has one line and gets done up the rodger by a bald man-that’s her lot) and he is, but he says he isn’t. He thinks that Nikki and him are perfect for each other and as soon as he is ‘sorted’ they will be back together. Then Pat goes round his Indian


m Should ver Lining friend’s for dinner and meets bat-shit Tiffany, played by the VERY impressive Jennifer Lawrence. She’s on as many meds as Pat and Ozzy Osbourne put together, and has shagged everybody in her office, and many other street people. In fact she offers herself to Pat after the meal when they go running…she’s very convincing. But Pat, determined to prove himself to Nikki (who is absolutely terrible, but oh well) freaks the shit out and legs it home in his American football jersey. Soon he realises that she may be his way back to Nikki’s life an so begins the heart wrenching relationship between the two of them. It is obvious that Tiffany wants to be with Pat, and she asks him to be her dance partner in

exchange for her part to play in his reunition with Nikki. He agrees and writes Nikki a letter. Now, I won’t ruin the end, but for the whole thing I was screaming PLEASE BRADLEY GET TOGETHER WITH JENNIFER PLEASE PLEASE! THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT CRAPPY HUNGER GAMES FILM. So there we have it…this was better than a chicken curry made by a poolanator jummjumm/…made that up by the way. WOAH!!!! A million out of five, I rate this. WOW.


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CheerUp Issue 12  

It's been a whole year! CheerUp has gone from strength to strength and there is no sign of stopping! This issue includes amazing interviews...

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