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Most random News of the week The Nazis tried to kill Churchill. Okay, that’s no surprise, but here’s a bit of a shock. They tried to kill him with chocolate. Not because he was allergic, or lactose intolerant, or had high colestrael. No. He loved chocolate (come on, he was a bit podgy). They tried to blow him up with a chocolate bar! Old Winnie would have been a cropper to the explosive ‘Peters’ bars, had it not been for the awesome secret service. What a relief. We can eat chocolate today, with the hope that nobody is trying to blow us up!

“Here’s A Bit Of A


They Tried To


Him With


Un-sung Hero(s) of the Week “It Must Be Remembered That They’ve

Saved Lives. Music Has The Power



This week’s unsung hero (es) are actually featured within this magazines pages. Musicians, bands, and in general, celebrities have such a bad reputation amongst the media. Sleaze, sex, drugs, booze, yadada. However, this is a harsh reputation. These bands and celebs have such a powerful hold over their fans that they can save their lives. Pierce The Veil posted about a young girl committing suicide on their Facebook page, and how much it has hurt them, but it must be remembered that they’ve saved lives. Music has the power to heal, and those musicians, like PTV, like Kate Nash and Tyler Hilton, all have the power to save lives, and regularly exercise it. Lest this not be forgotten. These guys are heroes. Remember that next time you read some crappy media article about them partying. They rock.

The Original Punk Queen. It’s the 25th of June, around 10:00PM I’ve just sworn to my best friend that I will make Jake Sanderson get home without going clubbing then I will make my own way home from the pub, allowing us to be bright and fresh for our interview with Kate Nash tomorrow.

26th of June, 7:00AM, Jake and I are pasty white, in a room blazing hot we have an interview with Kate Nash in a few hours in Oxford, little money, smelling of a cocktail of alcohol & sweat, needless to say we went out. 26th of June 3:00PM We're just about to interview Kate Nash. We have cleaned up, eaten, done our prep work and amidst getting lost in Oxford and being directed by a homeless man, we have built some considerable anxiety and we are ready. A man greets us and brings us inside. We get briefed and asked to wait, listening to the bands prep for the gig tonight. I get the sudden feeling of being star struck; this is somebody who’s track, Foundations, I had on a mixed CD and on my very 1st MP3 player. This is exciting. The interview gets underway. Kate Nash is known by many for her 2007 hit single foundations which got to number 2 in the charts and threw the young teenager into stardom and a life of music. This was all thanks to her falling down the stairs and breaking her leg, on the same day she got her final university rejection. 'Being stuck

on the sofa' she explains 'was boring and she learnt the guitar, and set up some shows for when her leg recovered.' Kate Nash is well known for her music, but little will know the young hackney girl has done for charity. Kate explained to Jake and myself that after the London riots that her and Sam Duckworth (friend and musician) got together and worked on a pickup and drop off campaign helping families who had felt the full negative effects of the riots. “It was really cool to see Londoners get together and do something positive.” Kate Nash was involved in an eBay auction for a young girl called Tilly who lost her hands due to meningococcal disease; the auction raised enough money to buy her prosthetic hands. As well as being exceptionally charitable, Kate also spent the last few years altering her musical sound. Do you get annoyed, when people say they prefer the old Kate Nash, have you changed much? “Yeah, I have changed a lot, it’s important to change, and to not be the same person I was 6 years ago, there have been experiences in that time that have changed me and in 6 years’ time I hope I’m not the same person as I am now, if I was still writing the same songs as when I was 17 then I wouldn’t be a talented writer, I wouldn’t develop musically and develop different talents.”

Is this why you joined a punk band in 2009? Well I and my friend John Depp (who was opening her show that night) were chilling with some of our friends one night, and we were joking about their receding hairlines, and were talking about creating a band called The Reeceeders. This joke at first led to the friends practising together on some of Kate Nash's times of boredom in the rehearsal room, and lead to creating the punky band The Reeceeders where she plays Bass, which ultimately led to Kate Nash love of the Bass Guitar. “It’s really nice to play music that is aggressive, when you are stressed out it’s a release and when you have emotional shit going on it helps deal with it.” Kate Nash still feels she writes the Pop songs that we all know, but all her life she has been influenced by punk, listening to the Buzzcocks since an early age and growing up with them. This punk vibe is clear in her most recent release on YouTube called Underestimate The Girl, a song that “pissed off a lot of people”, which is always a good thing. You really get the feeling that Kate Nash has developed from pop mainstream music, when asked what she thought of it she said, “mainstream music is so mundane, it’s such bullshit, no one is challenging anything, everyone is afraid, we celebrate the bullying culture, we buy heat magazine, we watch reality TV shows, we slag people off for being human this has led to kids hating themselves and their bodies, and no-one is taking them seriously, and helping them because they are worried that they are going to get bullied, its just fucked up.” This is what the song tells its listeners. It paints a picture of risk taking and being attacked for taking that risk, and the song shows how conservative everyone has become, and it’s been made to piss people off, it’s to show a middle finger to this media bullying culture. It’s strange to think of Kate Nash as this punk queen who hates our bullying society, especially when she is known for songs such as foundations that rocketed to Number 2 in the pop charts. You seem to assume that she is a pop princess, but when talking to her you realise that she is “just a girl from harrow that feels like an outsider In this popular culture”

“It’s Really Nice To Play Music That Is

Aggressive, When You Are Stressed Out It’s A

Release And When You Have

Emotional Shit Going On It Helps Deal With It.”

Kate Nash an outsider of the pop culture drove herself to the point of burning out, following her early success with foundations and the lifestyle of living out of a suitcase and being on non-stop tours left her feeling upset and in tears. This non-stop work has accounted for her never really feeling the pop fame of her early success and has developed her more into this outsider image of a punk queen rather than a pop princess. As well as Kate Nash developing and releasing a single in a day and creating her brand new 3rd album, she has found the time to work with schools to get girls into the music industry. The project is named The Rock & Roll After School Club For Girls, and aims to get girls into the music industry and to not just be backing singers and to write their own music, and to “be themselves.” When asked why she had taken on the project Kate Nash replied that “she wanted to see the statistics of female artists increase.”

Obviously, Nash has some incredible fans. How have you reacted to having fans, I know there would be people who would kill us to be in this position we our in right now? “Its kinda weird when I look at it from an outside prospective, it’s a privilege and its amazing to know that I could effect someone’s life in a positive way. My fans are really sweet - they write me letters explaining how my songs have helped them through times of issues, and that’s really nice.” Have you ever had a weird fan? “Yeah a weird guy before, who shouts a lot and gets excited, and shouts my name and tries to kiss me, and he doesn’t seem to have any boundaries and doesn’t seem to think I’m a real person.” So what’s your opinion of twitter? “It’s a double edged sword. It allows you to take control of your own career, but it also means that fans expect more of you. They expect that retweet, they want more from you, they give you abuse and you have to take it, I almost wish it wasn’t around, but if it wasn’t around my career wouldn’t have kicked off.”

Finally Kate Nash, if you could CheerUp the world in one way, what would you do? (Please avoid the cliché) *Laughing* With music. No, I would make everyone turn all computers off, and phones and everyone would feel so much better, and everyone would be so much happier.” Kate Nash is a complicated individual. This charity working, bass playing, pop singer hates our bullying society. She hates the pop culture, but she loves where she is now. She loves how people are angry about her new music. She loves that her new music is challenging this society we live in. Before I went into this interview, I was nervous that CheerUp was going to be interviewing a Pop princess who only cares about her image, but coming out of this interview I was enlightened. I was impressed Kate Nash is in the pop industry not because she wanted to be, but because she had a large fan base and that she likes her style her ideas and her as a person. Kate Nash Isn’t a pop princess. Far from it. She’s a punk queen trying to shape music & society into the way it should be, with everyone being themselves. Kate Nash, you have our full support. Kate Nash's new album will be out later this year. GET EXCITED!


Pierce The Veil This autumn, there’s a new band coming to the Uk shores…well, sort of. This is not their first visit, having toured with The Blackout and Blessthefall in the country of tea before, however as far as headlining goes, this is Pierce The Veils biggest transatlantic trip. Not often do we hear of US bands not yet making it in the UK, but with PTV this is a very real ambition. ‘We’ve got a lot of touring to do in the Uk’ says Vic (vocalist). Pierce The Veil are already huge in the hardcore scene as far as America is considered. More than 600,000 fans on Facebook, countless PTV fan groups on Twitter and a killer couple of albums. So what’s their secret? ‘We've toured hard for 6 years and made a point to stay as connected as possible with our fans. We want fans that will be with us forever, not just for one record’. Touring. A big secret that most bands know, but few properly take advantage of. But not Pierce The Veil. They love touring, and have toured constantly for five years since 2007, and it’s paid off for them. Its probably this reason that they have received feedback from their fans like they have. ‘We love meeting fans, and making a live connection’ and this personal relationship with their fans has led to amazing storeis. ‘Over the years we've had kids tell us that our music keeps them from suicide and depression, and that is by far the most gratifying thing I've ever experienced and it keeps me wanting to make more music’. Pierce the Veil consists of brothers Vic (Vocals) and Mike (Drums), as well as Tony (Guitar) and Jamie (Bass). The mexican’s have exploded in their home continent (and are referred to as sexicans, which, frankly, is a nickname anybody would be proud to have!) and are ready to tour the UK, showcasing their new album, Collide With The Sky (as of July 17th), to all of the eager listeners. Needless to say, Pierce The Veil have a lot to say for themselves. As far as their new album is concerned, the boys from Mexico have encouraging words for their fans that enjoy the heavier side of Pierce The Veil. Vic described it as ‘heavier’ and ‘super aggressive’, which is surprising, considering the emphatic sound...

...supplied by their first and second album. One could never suggest that PTV are exactly ‘light’…so heavier must be something absolutely insane. Heavy enough to rival the incredible mass of Mario Balletelli’s ego? Well…that’s big stuff! Watch out for the new album. We would also like you to consider buying the record. Buying? Huh? What is buying…well, its where you help the record sales of the bands you like, instead of shitting on them! ‘Well it definitely effects record sales, but at the same time spreads our music around the world so it's kind of a double edged sword. We have a lot of loyal fans who still buy our records though.’ That was what Vic said concerning illegal downloading. As always, any loyal reader would know, we don’t like orthodox questions too much. So here are some of the best questions from this interview, answered by Vic

Where's the most inspiring place you've ever been? -Being in Japan gave me a better perspective on just how different all of our cultures and customs are. I've never felt so lost and our place in my life there and it made me want to learn more about the world and the places that we travel. If you could go swimming with any previous American president, who would it be? -I would love to lounge in a pool and drink beers with Bill Clinton. How would you cheer up the world? -Buy everyone a jet ski. Pierce The Veil are on tour in the UK in September. Their new album kicks arse. Its called ‘Collide With The Sky’. Buy it!

Tyler Hilton Actor and musician. The phrase that has come to be dreaded by music listeners, (though the odd new combination of wrestling and music is far more daunting…acting still describes that though). However Tyler Hilton is a man who has got this combination just right. His role as Chris Keller, a big headed, heartbreaker who refers to himself in the first person, in the teen drama series of One Tree Hill got heads turning in his direction. Now that’s over, the real Tyler, has got their attention focused on his gutsy, rock infused folk music. So what does the awesome Tyler Hilton have to say for himself? Which is your preference, acting or being a musician? I'd prefer to be both! I think that's just the way I'm wired. But music is closer to me, I suppose. How well does the representation of the musician, Chris Keller, represent being a musician in real life? -I know guys like that! Haha, they do write him pretty realistically. I like to think that I'm really different from my character though. How excited are you to tour the UK? -This excited !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Things kick off tonight in Glasgow. I can't wait. What's the craziest thing you've done? -Literally, I've been pondering the answer to this question for like 20 minutes, trying to decide what has been the craziest. My entire life is crazy. What artists inspire you? -Bob Dylan, Elvis, and John Mayer are the basic ones. I love blues and folk music a ton. How often do you google yourself? -Hold on...sorry I was googling myself. What's that now? What mythical creature would you be and why? -Santa Clause. Because...I mean, how long do we have? He's a total baller. Tyler’s story is unreal. At the age of 16 he entered a local radio competition, however, instead of just being a normal guy and being contempt with the tickets, he sang ...

...a version of Breakin’ Me by Johnny Lang, whose tickets were the prize for the contest. He was invited to the show’s Christmas concert, then signed up onto Maverick record. Hilton’s story is amazing, and he recently, as mentioned above, completed a tour of the UK, showcasing his latest album ‘Forget The Storm’ which is powerful, and very impressive. As always, we will finish on the best question we have: How would you cheer the world up? -By being Santa Clause!!!!!! Maybe when he retires... Tyler’s album is out in stores near you and on iTunes. Check him out at


Low Level Flight How would you describe your music? We would describe our music as rhythmic, with a sense of sadness. Upbeat yet somehow sad. How will we change the world, hmm that's a tough one to answer. We have had the privilege to tour the world and be a part of so many great organizations and initiatives. However we hope our music makes a difference in even one person's life. Will we be the next big thing? Our only goal is too continue making music and making a living off of it. I don' think any of us got into the business with the mindset of world domination. However UK and Europe would be nice. At the end of the day we like to think it's still the music that decides what the next big thing is. Currently we are writing new material for an upcoming album as well as gearing up for the release of our new single TSK TSK. We will be

releasing the new video this week actually! How would we cheer up the world? through music, the only way we know how. Or maybe take a video of Brandon dancing shirtless, people would definitely smile after seeing that.

“Rhythmic, with a sense of

sadness. Upbeat yet somehow


New Beat Fund What does your music mean to the world? Not sure of what the world thinks of us yet. We are still a new band and the world is a big place. But I can say our neighbours sure don't like us. Well...besides for their daughters. If you could be anywhere now, where would you be? At a happy hour wherever 2pac is chillen. Given four chairs, a shredder and some milk, what would you do? Pick up ice and chocolate sauce to add into the shredder with the available milk and enjoy delicious chocolate milk shakes with four friends. How would you Cheer the world Up? Our first attempt would be with music. If that didn't work, then maybe kegs at every street

corner? Our scientifically discover a way for puppies to stay puppies forever. I think that would do it. What's next for New Beat Fund? Spread good vibrations!

“Our neighbours sure don't like us. Well...besides for their


Festival This issue, we've decided to promote a few lesser known UK festivals, but brilliant ones all the same. Sundown In (hopefully) sunny Norfolk, on Y Not September 1st and 2nd, there's going to be an awesome festival called Apart from having an incredible name, Sundown. With plenty of incredible the Y Not festival is displaying what I acts (Katy B, Labrinth, Chase and like to call, an underdog line up. Full of Status - to name a very small few) and bands with mental fans, such as The an incredible setting, Sundown looks toPidgeon Detectives and The Wombats, be one of THE places to be this festivalY Not go to the Peak District festival season.. What's more, if you're a bit of its even won awards for the best a looker, you might even be scouted bytoilets, so you won't be attacked by the model agencies that are chilling in poo goblins. Norfolk this September. Sundown is a must attend! Check it out and buy tickets at Check out the Sundown festival and get your tickets @

B.O.B – Strange Clouds In some ways, B.O.B is a unique artist, and in others, he really isn’t. His tendency to collaborate with musicians not seen in the charts is impressive, the likes of Hayley Williams and Rivers amongst the rock stars worthy of collaboration from B.O.B’s album, The Adventures of Bobby Ray. However, with this impressive uniquity, comes the disappointing side of B.O.B. He always comes crawling back to the mainstream. For fans, this is probably a good thing. I mean, if you have a nice pair of pants, why would change it? But from a neutral perspective, its frustrating seeing the boomerang style of B.O.B. On Strange Clouds it is present once again. The impressive guitar in So Hard To Breath is very heart-warming. The pop star in songs such as Guest List, and Ms. Professional, which

Florence + The Machine- Spectrum (Say My Name) (Calvin Harris Mix) This song kicks off on possibly the dullest platform imaginable, leaving a first time listener wondering how on earth this has rocketed to number one, then suddenly we are exposed to the wizardly mastery of Calvin Harris who blasts your ear drums into an up-beat summer classic, a perfect pairing creates a perfect track!

.are frankly forgettable, then popular artists are the average one. counteracts the rockstar of B.O.B. He’s a brilliant individualist, and This is sad. The album could be underdog supporter, but when he amazing, if he just embraced the goes mainstream the songs become incredible potential to differ from the boring. Chris Brown and Nicky Minaj ever-increasing crowd of identical feature with boring results. But when pop/rap acts. B.O.B gets going, he kicks ass. When Mr Ray released So Good, Proper ass. there was hope. An infectious piano If you wanted to buy B.O.B’s album, I melody. Don’t see that often in rap wouldn’t advise against it. But watch records. Thus, once again, B.O.B out. Because you’ll have to skip a lot shows how he can be impressive as of tracks, and that means you’ll have an artist. How he can leave a legacy. to get up a lot. Don’t do it. But once again he fluctuates back to Listen to: So Hard To Breath, and So pop star B.O.B, and once again, Good provides a counteracting track with the track Never Let You go, frustratingly average. This is not a bad album. Not at all. There are so many high points that it is difficult to count, however the worry is what B.O.B releases. This is what will represent the album. It tends to seem that his collaborations with the

Stooshe - Black Heart

Cheryl - Call My Name

Every now and again some evil, Simon Cowell master music big shot thrusts a cringe classic into the lives of the general public, this is a final example of such an event. The song uses an upbeat tune to distract the audience from poor lyrics and brain dumbing sound. Tune in if you like such classic’s as Soulja Boy’s “Crank that”

England's answer to Justin Bieber and just as throttle-able Ladies and Gents Mr Conor Maynard. The Bieber clone adopts the same style as his clone, with the belief that if he can fabricate the belief that non-jail bate girls find him attractive in his music video, that he can make it big. I don’t know how to go about this, from the off the sound if very un-expected from the young teenager, this initial surprise is stumped by terrible lyrics, annoying bragging and the fact he is only repeating the title of the song.

Playlist Example-Milk Your Goat Bubba Sparxxx_ Deliverance Foo Fighters-Wheels Bon Jovi- Livin’ on a Prayer Jimmy Eat WorldSalt,Sweat,Sugar

“The only full

contact sport I play is

sex. Even

good at throwing balls.�


I'm not

Peter Depp How are you enjoying the weather? The summer is hot. The weather in Nashville right now is leaving me with swamp crotch. Its not very comfortable. Would you rather eat a strawberry from the nipple of a donkey, or eat a coin from the fat crease of a builder? And why? Honestly, I love strawberries and they are my favorite fruit so I would eat a strawberry in either situation. Strawberries are allegedly an aphrodisiac so I just hope the donkey doesn't get the wrong idea. What are you most annoyed about right now? I'm annoyed that I sent my children to Florida to spend the summer with their grandparents and they have gone a year incident and no later then a week and they get lice. My lazy mom instead of shampooing my youngest sons hair decides she's just going to shave it off. He looks cute with a hair cut but he was growing a full on Paul McCartney Beatles look. How will you solve this issues? Certain world issues you can't solve. What's done is done. I just kill the pain by doing my normal feeling avoidance therapy and drink it away.

What sports do you like to play? The only full contact sport I play is sex. Even then I'm not good at throwing balls. Who is your favourite comedian? I switch it up. I listen to comedy a lot. But right now I love Louis CK. I relate to his point of reference when it comes to his children. Have you ever thought of being a rapper? I was in a metal band. Never a rapper. I wish I could be a thug but I'm from Long Island, New York and I leave the thuggery and swaggin' to the real homies going through the rap battle that is life. If you could be anywhere, where would it be? In my bed. My hobbies include sleeping, pretending to sleep, and not wanting to leave my bed cause I'm lazy. How would you Cheer the World up? Drugs? and booze? and hookers!

Barry M Cracked Nail Effect

Superdrug £3.99

House Of Marley Rasta Earphones

Surfdome £19.99

Play Suit Topshop £38

Nike Blazer Office £66.99

Tie Dye T-Shirt Free! Do It Yourself

Be There From 2pm Dave Slater & Angela & Sophie & Many More! For Live Shows & Live Music & Fabulous Stalls & Fun for All the Family!

Backing Jake This week I decided to jump on Toby because he’s a Rock God or some crap like that, anyway if he hopes to be famous he needs to get used to taking it from random strangers. For taking it like a true star I’ll give him 7/10

@iamdiddy For all those just tuning in. I’m 6 and half hrs in on a 36 hour tantric sex session. Welcome

@hollymontag I’ve decided to follow in my sisters footsteps and get plastic surgery. To become a man.

@chrisbrown There is one type of love…unconditional. (What’s next marriage advice)

Anti-beer goggles Okay, so at the time, there isn't too much wrong with beer goggles. 'Ooo I'm a bit wobbly, that's a nice looking person' but frankly, I witnessed something so horrific that changed all my perspectives of beer goggles. The picture is below. Jake (from Jake's recipe) slow dancing with a witch. So don't let this happen to you! Put the anti beer goggles on and ensure you aren't a victim of the hag in the pub! (The anti-beer goggles are just sort of . . Not alcohol, in the hope you don't get drunk!)

Springy High Heels So, frankly, its misleading when a girl wears heels (and even more misleading when a guy wears heels) as they could be classified midgit after the removal of ludacris footwear! Thus, the solution, to replace them with springs, is with the ambition that, if they come and chat you up, you can squeeze them to the floor to see their height. And of course, if you find out they're a midgit, you can spring them away, all the way into the club ceiling!

Right, lets get this straight. I like animals, not loads – I wouldn’t fuck one, nor do I enjoy the thought of others fucking animals (with the exception of horses, ‘cause the ‘fuckers get killed) but this is a sort of animal protest thing. One the RSPCA would be proud of. If a horse breaks its leg, they kill it. No plaster, no giant horse wheel chair, just some crazy arse lethal injection. What the hell? Now the argument is, if you put it to sleep, or try and help it out, then the horse might end up worse up. WOAH WOAH WOAH. Rewind, just a second. Worse off than death? The only way you can be worse off than death is if you somehow ended up being the wife of non-wife hitting Chris Brown. Sorry, did I say non? I didn’t mean that. So, ludicrously, they shoot the horses, instead of giving them a chance to survive, they kill them. Murder, sort of. And these are the people that are all arsey about animals. Animal lovers (not like the ones mentioned earlier, these ones strictly are friend based relationships, they only fuck when they get drunk) that let their horses die when they hurt their legs. There would be a lot more child deaths if that was the case with humans (with the exception of Chinese female children) thus we should treat animals like humans. Give them jobs. In banks. The ducks could pay the bills. On that pun, I’m out. This was a Gareth Davey Production.

Olympics games 2012: The guide to successful terrorism So the Olympics are around the corner and UK security has gone as well as the public anticipated, rubbish! As a nation we have maintained the British characteristics by leaving it till the last minute to get the job done, the G4 are very apologetic for their poor management of the security and the media are getting a hard one over complaining about this whole debacle … all very British. Now, my first reaction was why has the heavenly voices from G4 been put in charge of this operation, as I read on I was disappointed to see it was some MP guy and not the true G4 in charge (I am starting a G4 cult, anybody interested email My second reaction was if I was a terrorist I sense an opportunity for fuelling my weird habit of blowing up shizz cause I’ve found I have a fetish for my 72 virgins, welcome to the recipe for the perfect terrorist attack … if there is one, which there is not ! Say no to terrorism! Step 1: Get your creepy Uncle Dave to promise you 72 virgins, yeah, thats right to become a terroist you must have a creepy uncle called Dave! Sorry guys, I don’t make the rules about terrorism… oh wait, I do mewhaha!! Yeah a creepy Uncle Dave is a necessity! Step 2: Assemble a group of friends to help you with your attack. Around 4 friends will be enough, come up with an unsuspicious name for your group. Potentially the super awesome boner league is an option, hinting that you have competitions on who can keep it for the longest whilst watching Heather Mills do unspeakable things with her detachable leg and not getting up to terroristy stuff!! Step 3: Have a bowl of crunchy nut to start your day perfectly, maybe a brew to go with it, can’t have a sleepy terrorist now can we, that would not be politically correct now would it!!

Step 4: Watch the beginners guide to building a bomb provided by Al Qaeda, provided by all good retail stores, collect the right ingredients that Mr Qaeda recommends (montage of you having a lovely day out buying the equipment for a bomb and DIY equipment to fix that broken toilet your wife hasn’t stopped hassling you to fix for months but she doesn’t appreciate how hard you work and what little time you have to sit down and relax in your life, but your mainly doing it because she has promised bondage sex … let this be a lesson for women, promise a certain type of ‘job’ and more DIY jobs would get done around the house, you’re welcome fellas!!)

Step 5: Once you have made el bombio, get your four amigos to get a job as a security dude. The employment of your team should not be a problem due to the poor handling of the security so far. Nick Buckles would not have time to organise a background check due to his busy schedule varying from thinking of playing buckaroo with David Camerons willy and whether or not the ice caps melting could result in the death of thousands of polar bear which could anger Allah, resulting in attacks at the Olympics … or is he o.0! Step 6: Your team will plant the bombs where ever you can, due to small amount of security knocking around, and when ever you desire you can blow some shizz up and commit suicide to gain your 72 virgins Uncle Dave promised you … I know its not the norm way to achieve your bitches but hey matey I am giving you permission to do it this way, just the one time !! Right, it’s that simple to achieve terrorism at the Olympics because of the incompetence of Nick Buckles and you’re religious beliefs resulting in your god, which ever one who choose from the 2890 available, keeping you safe!! Peace bitches CheerUp Magazine does not condone terrorist actions

My very own beer! As a fellow drunk in our society I believe it is my duty to have my very on alcohol section!! All the inspiration I needed to do this section was my love for beer and my friends buying me my very own brewing kit for my birthday :D! It’s beautiful isn’t it(I will send you pictures of the beer kit). Over the following issues I will be keeping you up to date on how well my beer is progression and whether or not it blows up during the night burning me in a beautiful firey, frothy mess!! Oh yeah, that’s the way I want to die, burning in my own monster beer creation, Or by a dwarf orgy, not sure which one really, both turn me on. But anyway enough of my beer and sexual death fantasy’s! If all goes to plan with my beer making I plan to become a profession brewer calling my beer the Ugly Graham. When this masterful creation is complete I will be holding a competition for who ever desires to taste my beer, now I wish myself the best of luck and we shall see if I live or this mountain of a task will be fatal. Cocktail of the issue Try this tantalising cocktail that’ll make your taste buds have a swingers party in your mouth. The ingredients you need are: •450g strawberries, hulled •1 tbs icing sugar •Crushed ice (optional) •2/3 cup (165ml) vodka, chilled •1 bottle sparkling wine, chilled After gathering these ingredients follow these simply instruction to make the lovely cocktail: •Place the strawberries and icing sugar in a blender or food processor and blend or process until mixture forms smooth puree. •Pass the puree through a fine sieve into a bowl and discard the seeds in the sieve. Cover the puree with plastic wrap and chill in the refrigerator. •Half-fill 8 champagne flutes with the crushed ice, if using. Divide the chilled strawberry puree among the flutes, and then top each with 1 tablespoon vodka. Top up with the sparkling wine.

Rate that beer! This week Carlsburg is coming under worse scrutiny than Tony Blair did for that war he may or may not have illegally joined with America, I take my beer that seriously. Carlsburg has a weak, bland taste which is far too cold to fully enjoy your pint. But saying this, Carlsburg has a massive advantage going for it, at my local Carlsburg is very cheap which is perfect for my pay check at the end of the month, $2.50 a pint thank you very much!! For that reason and that reason alone I can overlook the average taste and give Carlsburg a rating of 7 out of 10, god bless cheap beer! Helping the drunk to drink more! Drunken pictures that I adore

“Jack’s Beer goggles sadly not improving his chances with the ladies...”

Drunken story of the Issue This story is a tale of the time I mouth raped on my first outing to gay bar on St Patrick’s Day. The night was young, the birds where singing, badgers were burrowing, and my friend Christopher Curtis was celebrating his 18th the way everyone should, lying on a brick wall pissed beyond belief at 10pm singing beautiful songs outside the pub. I was a proud friend that night. It also was my other friend’s birthday misses Lilley; she was not living up to the high standards set by Chris, she had disappointed me. Hours of drinking passed at the pub, friends were making out, Robyn Varley was trying to use the cupboard as a toilet, things were going well. As the stench of booze grew Misses Lilley decided it was time to hit the gay bar, I was excited, there could not possible be any repercussions of a drunk, straight man going to a gay bar for the first time o.0! We arrived at pink punters, we bowled it in like gods, I dramatically pushed a smaller man than me out of the way to look hard and ting, or more believable I tripped up the stairs and nearly fell flat on my face, the ladies could not resist me. I felt like some action was on the cards, unfortunately my assessment was correct. After 2 hours of intense dancing I decided I deserved more alcohol. I went to the outside bar. I saw my friend talking to this lanky, arabicish, werid looking man. Of course I was draw to him like a moth to a flame to have a chinwag with the fellow. Introduced myself, likewise, he did the same. His name was PRINCE TAZ, now that when my suspicions were immediately raised but my drunken self continued talking to him. It turned out he was a P.I.M.P looking for recruits for his new escort agency. NOW at this point I should have walked away but he was like the kiddy snatcher in chitty chitty bang bang luring me in with his candy, but instead of candy it was with $250 per session. My beer goggle money eyes lit up and agreed to join this mans escort agency. We exchanged numbers. Or atleast I though we did the cheeky bugger gave a false 10 digit number!!! Dick! Anywho after chatting for a while he pulled me to one side and asked me how I would feel about me, him and few men having sex for time to time, my first thought was just agree and I can just come to that problem in the future …. What I should have said was bugger of and mentioned the fact I am not gay to ensure he would fuck off, but I didn’t. This P.I.M.P now had my mobile number and thought I wanted to bone him with other men … hindsight tells me I am a fucking id. My friend told me to leave it and just come and boggie on down to dance floor, I decided that was for the best. Whilst on the

dance floor some hench black lady came dancing next to me and directs me to the bar, I was confused so I went with her to see what the blooming hell she wanted. Apparently after 30 seconds of dancing near me she wanted me to buy her a drink, WTF I mean if she had her boobs out dancing next me I still wouldn’t of bought her a drink, maybe if she did some awesome Bruce Lee kick to the face on a stranger then I might of felt inclined to buy her one but otherwise, no, she can go fuck herself. I walked away and told her to do one, back to dancing for me, oh yeah. After another 2 hours of hardcore dance moves it was 5am and it was time to leave. Before getting in the taxi I went back up stairs to have a whiz. When I was in toilet I turned around and he was their standing behind me saying words, I don’t know what he was saying I was just enjoying being able to stand and wee at the same time, kudos to me! Next thing I know he is the blooming taxi going to the same estate I am!! First thought, only thought, was cheaper taxi fare … Prince had no money for a millionaire P.I.M.P guy hmm. Once in my endz he said do you want to come over to my friends and have some KFC. Now my house was a 5 minuet walk away but I thought hmm KFC at 6am sure why the hell not, what could go wrong eh? We arrived at this house. Hench black lady opened the door, for fuck sake! “I do not like you, you aren’t coming in” etc etc she chaffed on. My knight in shinning armor got me in, oh Prince, time for KFC. Had some chicken and chips, things were going good UNTIL Prince seems to want me to stay he for bum fun, I said something and offended hench black lady so she punch me in the face twice, I said don’t hit me again, I am going home! Prince came skipping behind me and said don’t listen to her, and then pushed me into a corner and stuck his slimy tongue down my throat. At this point I assume the majority would of mentioned that you’re gay and don’t want anything to do with him. All I did was push him away and say “I am not in the mood” I mean wtf, seriously am I such a fucking idiot! THEN walked around with him till he left because I didn’t want to anger the P.I.M.P. he went on to talk about his prozzie mom and stuff, I don’t know I didn’t care enough to listen at 6am feeling like shit and full of regret. He got a taxi home, eventually, letting me go to sleep! I woke up the next morning with texts saying “great spending time with you xxx” “you’re so understanding xxxx” urrgh flash backs of the nigh began. The main mistake accepting to be an escort for this man and not mention the fact I am not gay …. Im never drinking again, till the next day. I got wasted FIN!

Transfer Season Has Began Luuk De Wrong Move? Borussia Monchengladbach have signed Luuk De Jong from FC Twente on a 5 year deal, despite offers from Man City & Newcastle United

Newcastle want Carroll Andy Carroll could be on his way back at Newcastle at the cut back price of 15M giving NU a profit of 20m from when the originally sold him to Liverpool

Moses Parting Opinion With wigan having a 3rd bid rejected from Chelsea for the 21 year old Victor Moses, Stamford Bridge faithful are starting to question whether the youngster is truly worth the asking price said to be near 12m

Niang, Van and the exodus at Arsenal. With arsenal securing M Baye Niang from Caen from under the nose of Man City, it look evident that Van Persie will be on his way out with, Walcott and Wilshire teeting on a exit as well

No Deal Dempsey Fulham are forced to release a statement telling Liverpool to stop harassing Dempsey in pursuit of his signature

Ibrainit for the money? Ibrahimovic, the marmite of the strikers world, has completed a 3 year move to big spenders & mega rich PSG, from AC Milan

Hazard a guess who Chelsea want? After the Mega signing of the 32m eden hazard, Chelsea have put edens younger brother thorgan on their radar as another possible signing

The Man City Bench Warmer Has been linked with the Invincible AC Milan

Stats A Some of the best things in life are free Mathieu Flamani: Arsenal – AC Milan Michael Ballack: Bayern Munich – Chelsea Brad Friedel: Aston Villa – Tottenham Hotspur Miroslav Klose: Bayern Munich-Lazio Demba Ba: West ham- Newcastle Sol Campbell: Tottenham Hotspur- Arsenal Djibril Cisse: Lazio – QPR Value for money, footballs quality against price signings Peter Schmeichel: £500,000 Brondby – Man United Tim Cahill:£1.5M Millwall – Everton Thierry Henry: £10.5M Juventus – Arsenal Eric Cantona: £1.2M Leeds-Man United Christiano Ronaldo: £12.2M Lisbon-Man United Fernando Torres: £25M Athletico Madrid – Liverpool Papa Demba Cisse: £8M Frieburg – Newcastle

Small-ympics This is a bit dedicated to the lil guys at the ‘lympics in London this year. So who have we got? British Virgin Islands These guys come from a small population, and have only 2 competitors at the golden contest. As they are so small, the guys have housed up at a place in Hertfordshire, ready for the Olympics. Its sure to say that they’re place in the opening ceremony will be more short-lived than the length of time it took for a new race war to appear in the English Premier League after the

mazing Footballs Worst Transfers Alberto Aquilani: Roma – Liverpool £20,000,000 Robinho: Real Madrid – Manchester City £32,500,000 Andrei Shevchenko: AC Milan – Chelsea £30,800,000 Romelu Lukaku: Anderlecht – Chelsea £18,000,000 Samir Nasri: Arsenal – Manchester City £24,000,000 Jordan Henderson: Sunderland – Liverpool £16,000,000 Wilson Palacios: Tottenham – Stoke £8,000,000 Connor Wickham: Ipswich – Sunderland £13,000,000 Charles Nzobia: Wigan – Aston Villa £9,500,000 Roger Johnson: Birmingham – Wolves £7,000,000 Stewart Downing: Aston Villa – Liverpool £20,000,000 Robbie Keane: Tottenham – Liverpool £20,000,000 Jo: CSKA Moscow – Manchester City £19,000,000 Heurelho Gomes: PSV Eindhoven – Tottenham £7,800,000 Johan Elmander: Toulouse – Bolton £11,000,000 Chimbonda, Tainio, Malbranque: Tottenham – Sunderland Free Roque Santa Cruz: Machester City – Blackburn Loan Bebe: Guinaraes – Manchester United £7,000,000

Terry vs Ferdinand closed. Micronesia Micronesia has only a population of 100,00, and has only got five Olympic competitors at the games. Having never won a medal, one would think that there is very little chance of victory in 2012. Their best chance is weightlifter Manuen Minginfel, but even then, he probably won’t win. Their chance of victory is smaller than the brain in Aston’s (JLS) head. Lesotho This is a good’un. At Beijing, they entered four

Its all about the money money money; footballs most exspensive players 15- Dimitar Berbatov: Tottenham Hotspur – Manchester United £30,750,000 14- Andriy Shevchenko: AC Milan – Chelsea £30,800,000 13- Christian Vieri: Lazio – Inter Milan £32,000,000 12- Eden Hazard: Lyon – Chelsea £32,500,000 11- Robinho: Real Madrid – Manchester City £32,500,000 10- Gianluigi Buffon: Parma – Juventus £32,600,000 9- David Villa: Valencia – Barcelona £34,200,000 8- Andy Carroll: Newcastle United – Liverpool £35,000,000 7- Hernan Crespo: Parma – Lazio £35,500,000 6- Luis Figo: Barcelona – Real Madrid £37,000,000 5- Zinedine Zidane: Juventus – Real Madrid £45,700,000 4- Fernando Torres: Liverpool – Chelsea £50,000,000 3- Kaka: AC Milan – Real Madrid £55,000,000 2- Zlatan Ibrahimovic : Inter Milan – Barcelona £56,500,000 1- Christiano Ronaldo: Manchester United – Real Madrid £80,000,000

marathon runners. Not one finished. That’s about the same stamina as James Cordon. Hopes for the Lesotho boys at London looks pretty low – a bit like Kanye West in the charts. What? Marshall Islands This is only their second ever Olympics, so we’ll forgive the guys for never getting a medal. As well as sharing the name with the world famous amps, the islands have been used for missile testing from the US…will they be explosive at this Olympics? HOHOHOH! What a pun!

Guiyu is the largest electronic waste site on earth, this is a town where most of the world’s electronic waste is dumped, the burning of plastics in this town has resulted in 80% of the children having dangerous levels of lead in their bodies, pregnant women are more 5 times more likely to have a miscarriage. This is a worry for several reasons, 1st of all because of the human damaged caused to the people living in Guiyu (china) and second because the sheet is being covered over people’s eyes. Private recycling firms, private firms that accept your old broken down goods and in some cases governments who all claim to be green and friendly take these items and ship them to Guiyu where they are stripped down, burnt and dumped, so what? You say well around 50-80% of estimated recycled material is shipped to Guiyu and is killing people and the planet, and all under a false pretence that when you donate or recycle your old computer you are actually saving the planet. Companies send the e-waste to Guiyu because of the lack of environmental legislation in china, and also because of the cheap worker rates, a worker in Guiyu is paid less than $8 a day to extract the

lead and metals whilst their lungs fill with poisonous gases that will kill them well before they are expected to die. China has put a ban on e waste imports from the USA, however with America threatening to block Chinese imports; this blockade is ignored and not honoured by America. With over 50% of computers being thrown away and recycled every year when in perfect working order has led to the rise and rise of the use of e waste disposal as a cheap alternative way to control the waste of many western countries, in 2005 alone the state of California spent $1,2bn of e waste disposal, all this money and technology is being used to pollute our planet and to kill the children and mothers in Guiyu, and again all of this under the false pretence that the recycling you do is helping the planet.

The mass exportation of e waste to Guiyu has meant that many chemicals that are contained in computers and other electronic products are released into the atmosphere and polluted onto the children of Guiyu these include; lead, which damages the central nervous system, blood systems, kidney and reproductive systems, it can be found of your computer monitor which you are reading this article from. There is also cadmium which is a plastic stabilizer and is found on infer red devices, it causes irreversible damaged to the kidneys. Don’t forget to add mercury to this cocktail of pain and death, it kills the unborn foetus and can create permanent brain damage, oh and it spreads in water really well, you can find mercury in mobile phones. Hexavalent Chromium can severely damage DNA cells and is used as a steel stripper, its severely toxic to the environment. Barium this causes brain swelling, muscle weakness and damage to the heart, liver and spleen, and is used on the front panels of computers and finally there is beryllium is used to conduct electricity and heat and is used in virtually all computers, it has also been found to cause lung cancer and skin diseases where wounds don’t

heal. All of these are being polluted into the atmosphere and are killing people every day in Guiyu. Overall you are being lied to by private companies, recycling waste management and even governments about what really happens to the electronics you recycle, your recycled materials are killing people and damaging the planet. So in some cases recycling kills.


Of The

Children Have

Dangerous Levels Of Lead In Their Bodies



Women Are More 5 Times More Likely To Have



Now we all know google for there search engine exspertise, the genius in development of Youtube and there heartly attempts at social networking, how like there rivals of Microsoft and Apple they have tried there hand in the tablet world, a world which has been dominated with iPads, since they were 1st released into the market, now thanks to Googles and Androids hard efforts they have created the Google Nexus 7. Now don’t get me wrong the name sounds like something from the new transformer movie but this tablet device, could give the deceptacons a run for there money. The £200 tablet offers users 1GB of ram (Random Access Memory) and up to 16GB of internal memory to save you music and videos , it offers all the basics you would expect out of a device and has a reliability quality which often lacks in android software it comes equipped with all appreviations that you may never learn the true titles of such as the such as USB connection, Wifi and nfc. The GN7 offers the user a 1.2megapixel with video recorder and Googles version of Facetime, but this is the problem, google are just mimicking the ability of the iPad, they are still allowing iPad to lead the market and develop the technology at there own rate, there's no pressure, for £200 you get well worth you money in tech with the android app store, a light 340g device with gorilla glass protection. In conclusion the GN7 is a affordable tablet with all the basics that will get you through your day to day life, but whenever you are out with your GN7, and want to video call your mate, you will refer to it as face time, and whenever you go on the Appstore you will never have the large quality and quantity of apps that apple has, and finally when you are out and about with your GN7 everyone around you will go, oh that’s not an iPad, you are declaring to the world that you are mentally damaged or too cheap to get an iPad.

Highlights •Prices £200 •Ram 1GB •High Resolution Display •10hr battery life •Bad Qualities •Poor app store •Singular camera •Its just not an ipad •Lack of notification centre •3/5 Cheer Rating



Tablet With All The

Basics That Will Get You Through Your Day


Day Life”

1991 Achtung Baby The year is 1989, after the flop of Rattle and Hum U2 needed to reinvent themselves, at the final show of the Rattle and Hum tour in Dublin, Bono announced to the fans that the band would be going away for few years and they were going to come back brand new and completely different, no one was expecting the outcome that followed.

“zoo station,” whose lyrics depict the band bracing themselves for what’s next.



Rock Album Transforms



0ctober 1991, U2 announce and release Achtung baby, it sets the foundations for the rest of the decade, the punky rock album transforms the U2 from the 80s bandwho sung about dying children in mothers of the disappeared and who’s stone pale faces cover the album artwork of the Joshua tree. Achtung baby rightly named is a warning to the world of anew dirty U2 who have transformed themselves; the album kicks off with


Achtung baby really sets a new land mark for the band allowing them to remain timeless and adaptable this is very true in songs such as mysterious ways and even better than the real thing, which saw themselves as high flying singles, with countless remixes. This album rocketed U2 to a new level of fame and opens up the listeners mind to new sounds and songs, this album is a album about love, religion and diving into the unknown, it’s an album that should be listened too when your alone by yourself, to truly get what the album means, out for 21yrs now it goes down as one of the albums you’ve got to listen to before you die.

Friends with benefits, the title alone sets this film up to be a hilarious yet cheesey love story. The beginning alone is hilarious, it involved this dude (left). the one who’s group sings ‘I just had sex’ – yes, that guy, the one who managed to get Akon and Justin Timberlake in his music video’s by singing about being ‘on a boat mother f*cker’ ...really? Main characters in this film – The strangely hot Justin Timberlake. Has anyone else noticed how after his career in singing stopped not only did he become better looking but he also became more successful? This can only tell me one thing. My dreams are not worth pursuing because I will fail at them and slip into a much better career that will give me money. So if you are at Uni studying to be a Lawyer – QUIT NOW! Drop out and become a road sweeper, because that’s where it’s at! Mila Kunis, another beautiful person – every girl out there envies that tan don’t deny it! But does anyone else feel that after playing ‘Meg’ in family guy you just want to throw something at her, fart in her face or even shoot at her – because let’s be honest, she will come back to life in the next episode. So everyone, go shoot Mila Kunis, it will be hilarious! She will come back to life next episode and we can laugh with her (this will not actually happen, if you shoot her you will die and be jailed for murder, do not be so ridiculous as to take those past sentences seriously – C’mon people?!)

Story line – awful, yes its awful – Girl meets boy in a professional situation, they hook up, hence ‘Friends With Benefits’ (see what Hollywood did there, they made the film title relate to the situation that the characters play in the story – CLEVER RICH PEOPLE!), they fall in love without saying a word, have a fight, boy chases girl and they end up together. Yes that is honestly it – now you don’t have to watch it? WRONG! The reason this film stands out so much is because of the ‘jokes’ – there is something about the details in this film that makes it a hilarious ‘Chick flick’ for the girls yet a hilarious story for the guys. For example, Justin Timberlake is presented to humour the guys, this is done by jokes that surround his character.

Upon arrival to New York ‘Dylan Harper’ (Timberlake) is greeted by an African taxi driver, the music all ‘happy’ and mood setting – rudely interrupted by the taxi driver saying ‘Hey mate do you want to get your sh*t out of my car? Welcome to New York go and suck a ....d*ck’ ... he was so pleasant. (the context of this is way more funny than I am making out by the way). So what makes Mila Kunis so appealing for the girls? DURR, every girl wants to be her? Who wouldn’t want to be a good looking, tanned, thin, good profession, believes in love, gets the ‘right guy’ and lives in a big city? Yeah that’s a cliché – I’m kidding (or am I?) no, the best part about Mila Kunis’ character is how she portrays herself in the film, its sappy and cliché that’s

why the girls love it, there isn’t one girl out there who doesn’t love a good ‘love story’ and Mila Kunis follows this story very well by always looking to ‘fall in love’. There’s nothing funny about her character (unless she is surrounded by one of Justin’s jokes) this is genuinely a good story for the girls if they want to feel that ‘warm and fuzzy’ feeling inside. Simple. So what else do you need to know about this film? Characters: HILARIOUS, Story Line: Bit of a cliché BUT the way it is a cliché means there’s something for the guys and gals! So what will happen to your life after this film? Honestly, I grew wings, I won the lottery and (this one is important) I learned how to speak 5 fluent languages! That was cheesy and also not true – if you believed that, you’re more stupid than I thought (I originally thought you were quite stupid, just so that’s put in perspective for you). Personally I love this film and I know many guys who love it too. Seriously buy it you won’t be disappointed! It is a timeless one, you may cringe at the sex scenes if watched with adults so beware! Watch this film, or you will die alone with 11 cats (that part is true).

WARNING: This film will make you want to take part in a ‘flash mob’ in Times Square, New York. Start saving up. SOUNDTRACK TO THE FILM: Closing time – Semisonic NOTE TO GIRLS: don’t set a guy a ‘5 date challenge’ NOTE TO GUYS: don’t tell a flight attendant that the plane landed itself (the pilot did it) FUNNIEST MOMENT GIRLS: Mila Kunis impression of guys having sex at 84 mins remaining FUNNIEST MOMENT GUYS: Justin Timberlake doe soundtrack to the moment 64 mins remaining(yes this was watched on sky movies)

The Midnight Beast


The Enemy




CheerUp Issue 8  

This week we interview Kate Nash, Pierce The Veil and Tyler Hilton!! Plus much much more

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