The Endless Antics of Rich & Shameless Athletes
Edelstein Productions, LLC Novato, CA 94949 415-382-1827 This is a work of sports humor and satire. It is intended to entertain and not to portray the actual conduct of the public sports figures mentioned in this title. Many situations and quotes are fake and adapted from past situations involving public figures. The use of any names of real people who are not public figures is coincidental. In total, the reader should not take seriously or as truthful situations and/or people depicted in this title. Text and illustrations copyright © 2012 by Edelstein Productions, LLC For information about permission to reproduce and use selections, send an email message to Permissions, Edelstein Productions, LLC, at firstname.lastname@example.org
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TABLE OF CONTENTS JOCKULAR BEHAVIOR: . . . The Endless Antics of Rich & Shameless Athletes INTRODUCTION: By writer impersonating Lance Armstrong CHAPTER 1: C.R.A.S.S. Clowns The LOUDEST Laugh-O-Meter Hall Of Shame Inductees. (Note: C.R.A.S.S. represents Crass, Rude, Arrogant, Scandalous Superstar.) CHAPTER 2: NOT SO SWEET TWEET Return to sender? CHAPTER 3: JOCKULAR BEHAVIOR INSIDER CAPTION CONTEST Readers submit solutions as captions for a weird sports cartoon. CHAPTER 4: GIFT SHOP PRODUCTS Operators are standing by to take your order. . . CHAPTER 5: BUMPER STICKER SLOGANS Which ass-backward behavior by athletes are worthy of slapping on your car’s behind? CHAPTER 6: FAKE AND FLAKY SPORTS TRANSACTIONS They look real, but read the small print on the back page of your sports section. That’s where the important questions are answered. CHAPTER 7: BOOKS WRITTEN BY DOPEY ATHLETES Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the vainest author of all? CHAPTER 8: HEADLINE SPORTS NEWS (As scrolls that move across the bottom of the TV screen) Top breaking sports headlines instantly turn famous athletes into arrogant idiots in need of the best public relations makeover specialist. CHAPTER 9: C.R.A.S.S GREETING CARDS Forget Hallmark’s sweet touch. Here’s cards inked by goofs who just don’t get it. CHAPTER 10: 8 WORD EPITAPHS R.I.P., as here’s how we’ll remember you... CHAPTER 11: GLOSSARY You've got your dictionary, but it won't help you much with sports cliches. THIS one will. CHAPTER 12: TRANSLATIONS What the team, agent, player, or other “spokesperson” truly means when he or she says...
CHAPTER 1: C.R.A.S.S. Clowns
. . . The LOUDEST Laugh-O-Meter Hall Of Shame Inductees
(Note: C.R.A.S.S. is an acronym that represents Crass, Rude, Arrogant, Scandalous Superstar.)
AP & USA Today Final College Gridiron Poll . . . Miami Celebrates Gridiron Scandal Top Spot, Trouncing Ohio State
. . . Dozens More Hurricanes’ Players Suspended For Free Tattoos, Drugs, Cash, & Prostitutes NEW YORK (Jockular Behavior) — Alumni boosters nationwide have cast their votes and the verdict is in: A landslide victory for the University of Miami.
The scandal-steeped gridiron program’s total suspensions, firings, and ethics violations easily exceeded those of its scandal-plagued competitors, thereby claiming the top spot in both final AP and USA Today Top 25 polls released yesterday.
While Miami fans flooded South Beach and campus areas to celebrate their first National Championship since 1999, its top booster, Neven Shapiro, boasted from his prison cell (where he’s serving a 20-year federal prison term for his role in a Ponzi scheme that bilked investors out of $930 million):
“We came out of nowhere to win. And it was a team effort because you cannot forget the trick plays executed with 110 percent effort by my right-hand hit man, errr, I mean team equipment manager Sean "Pee Wee" Allen, he said.
“For years, Pee Wee’s end runs completely faked out NCAA investigators before we were caught for a loss,” Shapiro noted in providing kudos to Allen, who is alleged to have circumvented NCAA rules in the recruiting of multiple Miami-area players.
A trophy ceremony to honor Miami’s victory will occur in Las Vegas next month, said Donna Shalala, president of the University. Why there? Shalala revealed: “Next year’s potential recruits are already present there, so we’re hoping the best high school gridiron players will approach us and we can sign them now without courting them,” she said. Jockular Behavior
Meanwhile, Shalala announced the team is already preparing to defend its national title next season. “Repeating won’t be easy, and we’re not resting on our laurels. So we’ve asked former Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel to consider coordinating our public relations spin campaign. We think his clean cut image is the perfect front to represent our program to players’ parents.
“ALL of them are totally impressed that we’re now on probation through the rest of the 21st century.”
Shalala reminded a reporter that Tressel’s nickname — “The Senator” — would lend credence to Miami’s program, given a whopping five percent of the American public believe our legislators are performing well, according to a recent poll.
Finally, in related news, Michigan dropped its football program after its players reported receiving six-figure annual salaries merely by working as part-time Walmart greeters.
CHAPTER 12: TRANSLATIONS . . . What the team, agent, player, or other “spokesperson” truly means when he or she says: (Note: The true meaning for each below statement appears inside parenthesis, below.) As QB, he’s a great game manager (True meaning: Little talent, smart decision maker, but he’s all we’ve got.)
After arrest, team distributes news release to media: He's regretful for his mistake and apologizes to his teammates (But thankful his paycheck did not get hurt). Jockular Behavior
He’s the kind of guy I love to play with. (He’s got a much smaller ego than me.)
It was a moral victory. (We played out of our minds against a clearly better team than us.)
Coach is an institution at this school. (We’d ask him to step down but the older alums would throw a shit fit.)
We’re playing for pride. (We certainly need some.)
It wasn’t my drugs in the car. (Or so one of my employees says.)
He’s happily married. (When he’s not on a road trip.)
He’s injury prone. (His contract has more clauses than a pre-nuptial.)
He signed just before the season began. (Nobody else wanted him and we’ve had some injuries.)
He’s injury prone. (He’s prone to being prone.)
Has a low basketball IQ (Has a low IQ.)