Aim for Success, Not Perfection

TEXT: KATHERINE CHANG IMAGES: WEB IMAGES

A person walked into a job interview and at some point in the process, the interviewer asked one of the most common and most dreaded questions, “What is your greatest weakness?” The person responded, “I’m a perfectionist. I work too hard.” Obviously, every interviewer everywhere has heard this answer before. It’s now considered by many to be a cliché or a disingenuous answer. But what if this is not a cliché for you; what if that’s really your reality?

Most people have an idea about perfectionism, but in truth, it is an elusive concept not so easily described. When someone says to you, “You are such a perfectionist.” Are you supposed to feel flattered or insulted by this comment? Is someone saying that you have high standards, are diligent, or are a person driven to excel? Perhaps they think that you are rigid, unrealistic and self-defeating? One thing’s for sure: the intention of most perfectionists is to do things well and to excel. It is a valuable attribution that many people take pride in. Which is why if you talk with someone who is a perfectionist about changing the way they approach something, somehow your words may get translated into, “Lower the bar and be average.” This is something that no perfectionist would like to hear.

Many people would consider having high standards a good thing. In fact, I have had people say to me, “I need perfectionism to be successful! It is what got me to where I am today.”

But being a high achiever doesn’t mean you have to constantly tear yourself apart and suffer through the process. The hallmark of perfectionism is not a guaranteed success, but rather a highly critical inner voice that is fear-based. The difference between healthy achievers and perfectionists lies not in the goals they set (both have high standards), but in the expectation they have about the process of achieving them.

For example, both Bill and Jared have the same ambition. But in Bill’s mind, what should happen is a direct, smooth and straight-line process that leads to the desired outcome. Any perceived roadblock or unexpected deviation stresses him out and is paralyzing. Jared approaches his goal with a realistic mindset; progress to him is more like an irregular upward spiral. He tries to make the most out of challenges, especially when he asks himself, “Okay, what is this teaching me?” “What do I know now that can help me to get to the next stage?” Information he gains from experience is used as feedback to formulate better strategies. He gets energized from this creative process and derives meaning from finding solutions to obstacles.

But to the perfectionist, the outcome is the only thing that matters. He views stumbles and unexpected changes as nothing but unnecessary defeats that should have been prevented in the first place (which he later uses to criticize himself). In a nutshell, the perfectionist merely endures through the process before the outcome, and regards mistakes with high defensiveness. He is more stressed and experiences fleeting satisfaction only at the end. It is no wonder why perfectionism and burnout often go hand in hand.

To many perfectionists’ dismay, their strong desire to avoid failures and to be flawless can backfire on them; they have a hard time starting things and an even harder time finishing them (or if they finish them, the final work never sees the light of day, as they don’t show it to anyone).

At the heart of perfectionism is the negative attitude towards making mistakes. Perfectionists at large believe mistakes would be construed as weaknesses and they would be negatively evaluated and unfavorably judged by others when they happen. So when they think they aren’t good enough at something, they are less inclined to do it.

Self-directed achievers approach their goals with a personal focus and vision; their motivation is primarily driven by self-fulfillment. Perfectionists, on the other hand, tend to be pushed towards their goals by a fear of disappointing others. This fearbased orientation can morph into performance anxiety where a person feels stiff, defensive, and vulnerable before a situation (such as taking an exam, speaking in public, or managing a project) and his mind goes blank.

Like most personality traits, perfectionism doesn’t exist as an all-ornothing category. Rather, perfectionism exists along a continuum. Most of us find ourselves either more resilient or more vulnerable to its effects during different times of our lives. Sometimes we approach our goals out of fear, other times it is the dream and passion that drive us to reach our personal best.

If next time you find yourself procrastinating at a set goal, do a little self-check to see what is preoccupying you. If it’s fear, try to change that critical, condemning and shame-inducing voice inside your head and treat yourself as a friend or a coach might, with kindness and support. Imagine the positive benefits of completing the goal instead of ruminating on the consequences of not completing it – since that would only make you feel more awful and procrastinate more. See a challenge as an opportunity to grow and derive your own personal meaning from it.

In the face of setbacks, keep your mind focused on problem solving; if one option doesn’t work, try another, shift strategies. You may think, “What is one small step I could take toward reaching my goal?” or, “If I were guaranteed not to fail, what would I be doing differently?” Find creative ways to make the process enjoyable to you. Having high standards and striving to achieve is a valuable attribute. And there are ways to put the high standards to work for you, not against you.

Katherine Chang is a licensed counselor both in the United States and Taiwan, and enjoys working with kids and individuals of various cultural backgrounds. In summer, she likes hiking and backpacking both in Taiwan and abroad.