Page 6

The Cavalier Daily

O

6

Are you there, sobriety? It’s me, blackout

Alice N. Drunkenland Student with cell phone

A University student described her experience at bars last weekend in detail saying, “I don’t remember anything.” She then elaborated saying, “I was literally blackout. Like, so blackout. I don’t remember any of it.” The term “literally blackout,” which is now used often around Grounds and can mean anything from having one beer to actually vomiting outside Toros, describes what many students experience on a weekly basis. When in this state of “blackout,” students often find themselves using their phones to do things their more sober selves would not approve of. This includes (but is not limited to) taking embarrassing or inappropriate pictures, posting said pictures on social media, updating their Twitter statuses and — worst of all — texting their exes.

waiting for a response, angry at yourself for sending anything, and letting your friends know exactly just how pissed you are. “Jason didn’t text me back. Seriously f*** him. My text was, like, so normal, right? Ew who does he think he is? Right? I’m not crazy? Right?” Your friends will tell you you’re not crazy, but the truth is, you are. Jason unfortunately won’t find the “taco” text alluring. And if he does, and he responds, you’ll probably still be mad because when you sober up you’ll realize there was some reason you two broke up and that reason Let’s be honest, who hasn’t gone out on a Thursday probably still exists. and thought, at around 2am, that RIGHT NOW So here’s my would be a good time to text an ex?” solution. We can end the embarwonder while you hit send on a rassment and anger that comes text containing the word “taco” with drunk texts to exes by getand two monkey Emojis. You ting to the root of the problem: then forget you sent the text and our cell phones. At the door, carry on with your night, only to while the bouncer barely glances wake up the next morning to the at your very real ID, you should embarrassment and shame that also hand him your cell phone. follows such sloppy texting. Or He should then place the phone you spend the rest of the night in a bucket next to the entrance,

opinion

Let’s be honest, who hasn’t gone out on a Thursday and thought, at around 2am, that RIGHT NOW would be a good time to text an ex? Messages such as “I miss you” or more often “I misnahhh youw” are sent at these dark times — when, while in the depths of Trinity, music blaring and sweaty people spilling their drinks on you, you think fondly of the happy times you and your significant other used to have. “Why did we break up?” you

where you can come find it before you leave. This is a surefire solution and is one hundred per-

y

rtes

Cou

edia

im Wik

s

mon

Com

cent infallible, though theft may occur. Additionally, those with Droids, BlackBerrys and even the real old schoolers with Razrs will have an advantage here for once, as their phones will be easier to find among the 400+ iPhones. To all the rest of you conformists, godspeed. I know it sounds like a lot of work, but there’s really no better way to solve this rampant problem. If there were, like, maybe an app that kept us from using our phones drunk or something sim-

ilar, I’d know about it. Obviously. Therefore, we should implement this immediately, for the sake of every University student who has logged onto Facebook the morning after going out and seen pictures of themselves midshotgun, middle finger up, eyes barely open. Or opened their SnapChat to find they sent a snap to every one of their contacts, but can’t remember what it was. Or seen humiliating Tweets they wrote, often incorporating meaningful song lyrics, for example, “I came in like a wrecking ball.” Or, of course, seen the texts they sent their ex last night. This cycle needs to end. Phones at bars just create too many problems. Let’s stop the selfies and the texts and uphold the motto, “What happens on the Corner between the hours of 12am and 3am... stays there.” Let’s be real, no amount of Emojis or misspelled words are going to help you get your boo back. So put down the phone and go home. You’re drunk. Alice N. Drunkenland is a University student who has sent (more than) a few regretful text messages

THE CAVALIER BIWEEKLY “PROBIES”

“MADAME BOSS LADY” Reba McEntire Ménaging Editor Andrew Drash Execution Editor Hillary Clinton Head 1st Year Lianne Provenzanomacchiatofrappuccino Chief Homeless Guy Peter S. Simsonsen Assistant Managing Editors Grace Kelly Julia Hepburn (S.A.) Rosencrantz (S.A.) Guildenstern (S.A.) Jennifer Lawrence, Perfect Human (S.A.) Tea Pot (S.A.) Male Copy Editor

News Editors Matt Comely Moshe Goldberg (S.A.) The Other Second Year (S.A.) Twitter Pledge Sports Editors Emily’s Boyfriend Mike’s Boyfriend (S.A.) Matthew More-or-less (S.A.) Ryan Taylor Opinion Editors Russy-poo Ashley (A-shizzy) Sphinx (S.A.) Dani Berenstain Bears Focus Editor Mîchàøl Tráßh Life Editors Smitty WerbenjagermanJensen Vic Moron (get it?)

The Cavalier Daily

The Cavalier Daily is a financially and editorially dependent news organization staffed and managed entirely by students (and a professional ads manager) of the University of Virginia. The opinions expressed in The Cavalier Daily are entirely those of the students, faculty, staff or administration of the University of Virginia. Unsigned editorials represent the majority opinion of our elected dictators. Cartoons and columns represent the views of the paper - That’s right, we all agree with Russell all the time. The managing board of The Cavalier Daily has no authority. No part of The Cavalier Daily or The Cavalier Daily online edition may be reproduced in any form (not that you’d want to), in whole or in part, without the written consent of the editor-in-chief. The Cavalier Daily is published sometimes in print and when we’re not too hungover online at cavalierdaily.com. It is printed on at least 40 percent recycled paper and with the tears of first-year pledges. 1890 The Cavalier Daily (Indebted) Inc.

subscribe to our

Arts & Entertainment Editors Stefon Cassar She Shoots, She Skorcz (S.A.) Jamie Shalvicious Health and Science Editor Eliza Thornberry Production Editors Chris Sloan NBD Sylvia OooooOOooooo (S.A.) Tea Pot (S.A.) Meow Meow Trezza (S.A.) Anne Owes-me-money Photography Editors Marshall, you’re fired...again Kelsey Grammer (S.A.) Pee Dickie Comics Editors E^2

Have an opinion?

We don’t care. I mean, we really don’t care. We barely have enough room to publish our own useless opinions. Why do you think we have room for your opinions? Concerned? Sucks to suck. Yeah, feels good to say that. We finally get to tell you comment trolling idiots off. Just get off my pages...and my Lawn. Heck, just pave the damn thing. Yeah, we just endorsed that. Deal with it. Get at me, you fool! Yeah, get at me. My psychologist said it was good to vent sometimes, but I’d rather punch you than a pillow.

Stephen Rowe-rowe-rowe Your Boat (S.A.) M. Gilby Video Editor Isn’t he Precious Online Editor Sally All-or-nothing Social Media Manager @jennajt10 Ads Manager Kirsten Stoober (S.A.) Oswald the Octopus Marketing Manager Allison Zoo (S.A.) Kate Gerber Baby Business Manager & Financial Controller Claire Finicky (S.A.) Sophie JagerMeister

Questions/Comments

A message from our Public Editor: “The Cavalier Daily has a website. And a Twitter. Did you know they have a Twitter? In fact, they have several Twitters. And a Sports Section. And they do that thing with the words in the place about arts and stuff. It’s kinda cool. I mean, you can send me your comments, but they better be positive, but I LOVE the Cav Daily. ... Btw, they pay me, so, like, I’m just a little biased.”

at cavalierdaily.com

(Please. We will give you cookies. Or money. Or name all of our first-borns after you.)

Tuesday, April 1, 2014  
Tuesday, April 1, 2014  
Advertisement