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Tuesday, April 1, 2014


Entitled students can’t comprehend Sweet Sixteen loss Wahoos wonder why Daddy couldn’t buy Elite Eight slot tion and tried to make sense of such an unforeseen tragedy. Since the consensus agreed the loss was “not our fault,” students grappled with the inexplicability of the night’s turn of events. Common methods of coping with this unexpected twist of fate included a combination of blaming the officiating, reminding Michigan State students they will one day work for University graduates and drowning one’s sorrows at various alcohol vending establishments on the Corner. While some fans returned to their

Aidan Coch-make-it-rane Part-time blogger, full-time sassmaster

On Friday night at Madison Square Garden, the scene was dismal when the final buzzer sounded, sending the Michigan State Spartans to the Elite Eight and ending the Cavaliers’ memorable season. Back in Charlottesville, University students watched in disbelief as, for the first time in their lives, something didn’t go their way. Distraught, students grappled with this new sensa-

homes for hours of silent reflection and mourning, others took to the streets. With a bottle of lighter fluid in hand, second-year College student Yates M. Rutherford V explained his frustration. “No one in the world has it worse than me right now,” Rutherford said. “First I get deferred from the Comm School, then my ID gets creased at Trinity and now the Hoos can’t even win a close a ball game. I blame it on the ESPN analysts and the Democrats. Thanks Obama”. University President Teresa Sul-

livan also expressed her disappointment at the loss. In a recent statement to the student body, Sullivan urged students to handle the loss in a “mature and honorable fashion.” Such was the scene on 14th Street as cool-headed students burned couches and attempted to start a riot in protest of the unfair proceedings of the game. Looking past basketball, the question of how this loss will prove to be detrimental to the futures of University students still stands. “What worries me the most is that

a good-looking guy like Joe Harris can have bad things happen to him," Medical School graduate student Linus Caruthers said. "I’m sitting here, about to be the best-looking doctor in the country, and I’ve just learned my whole world could potentially come crashing down. Things like these, they remind you of the world’s fragility, you know?” Counseling and Psychological Services has issued a statement announcing open walk-in hours available to all students who wish to seek counseling in light of these traumatic events.

Thomas Jefferson sports his birthday suit Birthday festivities to include mass streaking

Sumedha De-shmuck Life Columnist

University officials announced plans for an extravagant 271st birthday celebration for U.Va. visionary and People Magazine’s 1776 “Sexiest Man Alive,” Thomas Jefferson. The event — to be held April 13 — will feature singing, dancing and cake, all culminating in a University-wide streaking of the Lawn at precisely midnight. In order to properly honor Jefferson, the University has agreed to slightly modify the process of streaking for this particular night. While looking through the keyhole, the students are expected to sing their most passionate rendition of “Happy

Birthday” to Mr. Jefferson’s figure within the Rotunda. It is estimated more than 20,000 members of the U.Va. and Charlottesville community will partake in the celebration. “In planning the event, we really wanted to embody the Jeffersonian ideals this University was founded on — life, nudity and the pursuit of frattiness,” Dean of Students Allen Groves said. “It’s important that the University is able to come together and partake in something so rooted in this institution’s tradition and history.” As many are aware, streaking the Lawn was an integral part of Mr. Jefferson’s life. It is common knowledge his favorite saying was “Get naked or get out” — a sentiment scholars have found echoed in many of this

country’s governing documents. His wife, Martha Jefferson, often cited his daily streaking as the reason TJ was so yoked. Jefferson's affinity for running across his Academical Village in the nude is confirmed by his gravestone, which reads “Here lies Thomas Jefferson… Father of the University of Virginia and Inaugural Streaker.” Students have been eagerly awaiting and preparing for the festivities. First-year College student Lara Armstrong says she has been training intensely to conquer the half-mile course by walking to the AFC daily to get a Freshens smoothie — with protein, of course. “It’s been a strenuous affair, but I really want to be a part of something bigger than myself," Armstrong said.

"This is something that’s going to go down in history and I can’t pass the opportunity up." Organizers hope the event can become an annual tradition.“Campus should be hype. Especially for the freshmen,” firstyear College student Pooja Ranganathan said. She was immediately dismissed from the University for two counts of improper terminology use. It was later found out she was actually an undercover student from Virginia Tech. Her honor trial is pending. The ghost of Edgar Allen Poe has communicated his intention to attend the event via Ouija board. “Watch out for the Saran™ wrap, suckas!!!” Poe said during his séance.

Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

Easy, breezy, beautiful, Cover Squirrel This new CIO is nuts for their squirrels Ayy Baybay Moyler Professional Pontificator

There's a new contracted independent organization on Grounds — and in trees — dedicated to those majestic creatures we call squirrels. Third-year College student Johnny Hammersticks, president of the Squirrel Appreciation Club, came to the University unsure of what activities to partake in. Hammersticks had always had a strong passion for squirrels and once he saw how many graced our presence here at the University, a lightbulb went off. Three months into his first year, Hammersticks’ CIO was approved by Student Council. “I am just grateful that my friends can finally be recognized for how incredibly wonderful they are,” Ham-

mersticks said. “U.Va. without squirrels is like sorority girls without extra large spirit jerseys.” Third-year Commerce student Sloan Kettering, the club's vice president, played a huge role in getting the club on its feet. Kettering created the club’s most successful fundraising event, called “Culmination of Unresolved Inter-Sorority Tension Days,” in which the sorority chapters on Grounds are pitted against each other in a series of nut-gathering festivities. “We thought the best way to get the most nuts would be to have all the sororities compete against each other,” Kettering said. “Whoever has the most nuts will be the topic of every fraternity brother’s conversations — now there’s something to strive for.” The club builds a new squirrel nest, equipped with WiFi, every week during its meetings. Nests are found

at heights of 2 to 20 meters in trees. These weekly meetings are also comprised of a number of activities, including a slideshow of all the squirrel pictures members took and submitted throughout the week. “Biweekly squirrel trivia is a real good time,” said first-year member Gus Nutworthy. Nutworthy also created the mobile dating app Squinder to increase the squirrels' social media presence. Nutworthy said that app helps the club immensely for breeding purposes. Once they are matched up on Squinder, the two squirrels will be put in a dimly lit room, heated to 72 degrees Fahrenheit and left for 45 minutes. “March to May is when we use Squinder the most because that is a breeding period for the squirrels,” Nutworthy said. “Red squirrels are generally characterized as promis-

Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

Johnny the Squirrel, above, said he fully approved of the appreciation club in his name. Johnny said he hoped to return their love by cleaning out even more trash cans around Grounds.

cuous so things get a little wild with them.” The club teams up with the Knitting Club in winter to create sweaters for the squirrels. “You can really tell that [the squirrels] appreciate them,” second-year member Oak McMaple said. “Not only does this help them, but it truly enhances the experience of our weekly

slideshows.” In May, to celebrate a wonderful school year of squirrel appreciation, the club heads to Newcomb with their favorite squirrel friends and treats them to a feast with their leftover meal swipes. Dinner is followed by speeches, and many tears are shed — by humans and squirrels alike.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014  
Tuesday, April 1, 2014