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COLD ROOMS chapter 5 - POOCH PUNTERS ANONYMOUS TIME: WINTER 2008 SETTING: SAM MAXWELL, A SENIOR 20 SOMETHING ANESTHESIOLOGY RESIDENT AT COOK COUNTY HOSPITAL - CHICAGO, ILLINOIS IS FINISHING HIS RESIDENCY. SAM IS TRYING TO DECIDE ON A CAREER PATH - BATTLING WITHIN HIS MIND BETWEEN A HIGH END SUBURBAN JOB V DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS. SAM LIVES WITH KERI WHO HE MET AT WEAGHMAN’S PARK - A WISCONSIN THEME ESTABLISHMENT AND 20 SOMETHING HANGOUT AT THE CORNER OF CLARK AND ADDISON IN FRONT OF WRIGLEY FIELD. KERI AND SAM MET DURING THE CUBS MAGICAL 2008 SEASON - WHICH ENDED IN AN UNFORTUNATE EARLY PLAYOFF EXIT. THE O.R. ( OPERATING ROOM ) AND WEAGHMAN’S PARK ARE THE SCENES OF SCRIPT CHATTER - EXTENSIVE NARRATIVE DIALOGUE ABOUT MEDICINE AND SURGERY, CHICAGO SPORTS, AND OTHER IMPORTANT CHICAGO CULTURE AND EVENTS. FOLLOW ALONG AS EACH EPISODE BUILDS WITH EXCITING RELATIONSHIPS AND CONTROVERSIAL TOPICS.

KERI HEY JOSH SORRY ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT - I SAW SAM COMING AND I WAS OUT OF HERE. I SUSPECTED HE WAS COMING BECAUSE OF THE MULTIPLE TEXT MESSAGES AND VOICE MAILS ON MY VERIZON CELLULAR. I ALMOST THREW IT AWAY. JOSH MAYBE YOU SHOULD RECONSIDER THIS WHOLE THING KERI. KERI NO WAY - NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. I’M HURT BADLY. I’VE HAD IT. JOSH BUT SAM IS CRAWLING BACK. KERI HE IS NO DIFFERENT THAN ANY OTHER GUY - HE LIKES GIRLS, FOOTBALL, AND BEER IN THAT O.R. DER. ALL MEN HAVE VERY PRIMITIVE THOUGHT PROCESSES. NONE ARE DIFFERENT. AND WHEN HE SEES HIS GIRL GO, HE INSTINCTIVELY WILL TRY TO GET HER BACK AND THEN MOVE ONTO THE NEXT PREY. 2


WILL THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I’M LIKE. JOSH MAY BE A TOUCH DIFFERENT - BUT NOT MUCH. KERI SO ALL YOU GUYS ARE LIKE MOUNTAIN LIONS STALKING THEIR PREY - WHICH IS GIRLS, BEER, AND FOOTBALL. WILL I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT. AT LEAST WE’RE NOT COMPLICATED. IT IS WHAT IT IS - O.R. AT LEAST YOUR PERCEPTION OF THINGS. JOSH SEE KERI - HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’D BE HAPPY WITH SAM IF HE WAS WORKING UP IN LAKE FOREST ? I MEAN HE MAYBE A MUCH BETTER PERSON IF HE WAS DOING A SIBERIAN STINT WITH ANESTHESIA. WILL SOME OF THOSE FOLKS UP THERE ARE ALMOST ANESTHETIZED BY THE COLD ANYWAY - THEY MOVE SLOWLY. JOSH AND CARS DON’T START. PEOPLE DIE DAILY FROM HYPOTHERMIA. WILL AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DROWNING LIKE IN LAKE MICHIGAN BECAUSE THE WATER IS FROZEN YEAR ROUND TEN FEET DEEP - YOU CANNOT EVEN ICE FISH. JOSH YES - LET SAM HAVE HIS LITTLE GIG UP THERE - GET IT OUT OF HIS SYSTEM. WILL YOU WON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SAM CHASING OFF WITH AN ESKIMO GAL EITHER. I DON’T SEE THAT. HE JUST WANTS THE ADVENTURE. JOSH LIKE THE ICE HOCKEY GAME BETWEEN THE BLACK HAWKS AND RED WINGS COMING UP ON THE FIRST AT WRIGLEY. KERI OK YOU GUYS STOP IT - I GET THE DRIFT. MAYBE I WAS A BIT HARD ON HIM. WILL YOU DON’T EVER WANT TO FORCE A GUY TO PROPOSE AND THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING. 3


KERI NO IT IS NOT - SINCE WHEN DID YOU GUYS EVER BECOME EXPERTS ON MALE FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS ? JOSH WE ARE SAYING THAT YOU ARE FORCING THE ISSUE. IT IS TIME WHEN IT IS TIME FOR SAM. KERI I PERSONALLY THINK YOU ARE OVER REACTING BIG TIME. JOSH EXCUSE ME THAT GROUP BACK THERE WANTS SOME FIRESIDE NUT BROWN - COMING UP SIR - WE HAVE ONLY A COUPLE KEGS LEFT SINCE AFTER THE FIRST OF THE YEAR THE SEASONAL BEER FROM CHIPPEWA FALLS IS 1888 BOCK. KERI MY GOD PEOPLE CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF THIS STUFF. ESPECIALLY THE LEINIES BEER. WE ONLY HAD O.R. IGINAL WHEN YOU OPENED WEAGHMAN’S PARK. JOSH NOW EVERYONE WANTS ALL THE VARIETIES OF LEINIES. WE PUSHED TO HAVE LEINIES LIGHT FOR THE GALS AND NOW THEY WANT ALL THE HEAVY STUFF TOO. WILL I STILL LIKE THE O.R. IGINAL THE BEST. IT GOES SO GOOD WITH ZUERCHER CHEESE. JOSH AND WE’RE EXPANDING THAT LINE ALSO. I JUST GOT WORD FROM ZUERCHER’S THAT AS A TRIAL THEY WANT US TO BEGIN OFFERING SOME OF THE SPECIALTY BRANDS ON CONSIGNMENT. KERI LIKE WHAT ? JOSH WELL HERE IS THE LIST: BLACK DIAMOND CHEDDAR FROM CANADA, BOURSIN PEPPER FROM FRANCE, DUTCH GOAT BUTTER SALTED, ALPINE LACE SWISS, AND BEL GIOIOSO PROVOLONE FROM ITALY. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT - IT IS LIKE WEAGHMAN’S PARK IS A TESTING FACILITY FOR ZUERCHER CHEESE AND NORTH OF THE BORDER BEER. KERI AND WEIGHT GAIN.

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WILL YES I’VE HEARD AT OHARE THAT SOME GALS WON’T COME IN HERE BECAUSE THEY CANNOT GET OUT OF HERE WITHOUT BOBBY PINNING THEIR PANTS UP. THE WEIGHT GAIN BEGINS RIGHT WHILE THEY ARE HERE. KERI I TOLD SAM A WHILE BACK I COULD GO TO WEAGHMAN’S PARK BUT I COULDN’T STAY LONG O.R. EAT ANYTHING BECAUSE I WOULDN’T FIT IN THE CAR ON THE WAY HOME. GUYS DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT STUFF BECAUSE IT IS STILL OK TO BE OVER WEIGHT AS A GUY. JOSH WELL THE AVERAGE WEIGHT GAIN IS 18 POUNDS BETWEEN AGES 35 AND 40 IN THE UNITED STATES. KERI WELL THE 20 SOMETHINGS GET THAT EARLY IF THEY COME TO WEAGHMAN’S PARK. JOSH WELL ONE MUST JUST CONTROL THE INTAKE VALVE ON BEER AND CHEESE. ALL I KNOW IS THAT THIS BUSINESS MODEL WORKS AND........ KERI YOUR PARENTS ARE WORRIED YOU WON’T WORK DOWNTOWN NEAR THE LAKE IN A HIGH RISE OFFICE BUILDING MAKING MEGA BUCKS IF YOU’RE ABLE TO MAKE IT HERE. WILL WELL YOU WON’T MISS MANY PLAYOFF GAMES O.R. WINTER HOCKEY GAMES AT WRIGLEY WORKING HERE. JOSH YES I THINK THAT OUTSIDE HOCKEY GAME IS INTRIGUING ARE YOU ALL GOING ? KERI I HEARD IT WAS SOLD OUT - BESIDES I DON’T HAVE A DATE. WILL WELL THIS IS WHAT THE BLACK HAWKS NEED THIS YEAR - A BIG WIN OUTSIDE TO SPUR THEM ON. JOSH I AGREE - WE NEED THIS OUTSIDE GAME TO GET ALL OF CHICAGO SPORTS GOING AND ON LINE. MY GOD - LOOK AT THE BEARS - THEY COULD HAVE WALKED INTO THE

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PLAYOFFS - AND HOUSTON - AN EXPANSION TEAM BEAT THEM. WILL WE ARE NO LONGER THE MONSTERS OF THE MIDWAY. WE ARE NOT REALLY TOUGH ANYWHERE. HECK AFTER WATCHING THAT GAME I FEEL LIKE TRYING OUT AGAIN. I WONDER HOW MANY BEERS IN CHICAGO WERE CONSUMED IN THAT FOURTH QUARTER ALONE IN THE HOUSTON LOSS. JOSH A TON - I SAW THE END - IT WAS LIKE CUSTARD’S LAST STAND - A MASSACRE. WE CANNOT GET ANYTHING GOING ON OFFENSE AND CANNOT MAKE STOPS ON DEFENSE. KERI I WATCHED THAT GAME WITH SAM IN THE RESIDENT’S LOUNGE AT THE HOSPITAL - THERE WAS A BUNCH OF REAL GRUMBLING GOING ON - FROM FIRE LOVIE TO BRING BACK DITKA TO IF WE ONLY HAD SWEETNESS. WILL WE ARE ALL LIVING IN THE PAST - WE WON’T GET A SUPER BOWL WIN UNLESS WE REALLY HAVE A SUPER STAR QUARTERBACK - AND IF THAT IS O.R. TON FINE - HE JUST NEEDS TO REALLY STEP UP - I THINK HE’S A GOOD GUY KERI OF COURSE HE IS A GOOD GUY AND NO ONE MORE DESERVING THAN NUMBER 18 - WHICH HE WEARS TO GIVE HONOR TO A FALLEN QUARTERBACK RESERVE IN NEBRASKA IN THE 1990S WHO CAME OFF THE BENCH AND WON A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP. JOSH OH YOU MEAN BROOK BERRINGER - YES PLANE CRASH DURING SPRING BALL - FUNERAL OF UMPTEEN THOUSAND NEVER FORGOTTEN - GREAT STUDENT ATHLETE. WILL YES I AGREE IF O.R. TON IS HONORING AND WEARING THIS GUY BERRINGER’S NUMBER - WELL I’M FOR HIM AND I WANT KYLE TO GET A RING - THAT SIMPLE. KERI GET THE RINGS WHILE HE IS IN CHICAGO. SOME GUYS HAVE GONE ELSEWHERE AND DONE WELL. JOSH DON’T TALK ABOUT GRIESE - HE IS SO INCONSISTENT - AND PLAYED ONLY OCCASIONALLY WELL WHILE IN CHICAGO. I

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THINK KYLE O.R. TON IS REALLY GIVING IT 200 % - HECK AT PURDUE HE COULDN’T MISS. WILL BUT THE AGONY OF DEFEAT IN CHICAGO IS SO LOUD AND........... JOSH RECURRENT. KERI I REMEMBER WATCHING THAT HOUSTON GAME SO VIVIDLY AND IT WAS ALL ALONG HOW CAN WE GIVE THIS GAME AWAY TO AN EXPANSION TEAM AND NOT GET IN THE PLAYOFFS. JOSH BUT WE REALLY SLOPPED OUT AGAINST GREEN BAY HOW WE WON THAT GAME I DON’T KNOW. THEY TOTALLY OUTPLAYED US FROM START UNTIL ABOUT TWO MINUTES TO GO. WILL WELL I THOUGHT THE PACKERS WOULD LEAK IN THE END AND THEY DID. KERI WELL IF THE BULLS DON’T GET GOING WE WILL BE FIGHTING IN APRIL FOR THE LAST PLAYOFF SPOT IN THE EAST. JOSH CAN YOU BELIEVE THE BUCKS ARE AHEAD OF US - YES THE BUCKS. WILL DO THEY EVEN TRY TO WIN GAMES UP THERE - THEY HAVE GREAT DRAFTS, SIGN GUYS, WHO THEN NO - SHOW FOR GAMES AND ARE THEN SEEN IN MALLS A FEW YEARS LATER. KERI YES WITH VINNY, CHICAGO FANS, A GREAT BUNCH OF COACHES, THE VERY BEST ROOKIE IN THE LEAGUE IN ROSE - AND WE STILL STRUGGLE. MY GOD DENG, THOMAS, GRAY, SEFOLOSHA MY BOYFRIEND, HUGHES, GOODEN, AND GORDON ARE ALL STRUGGLING A BIT. NOAH HAS BEEN AN NBA BUST - I’M NOT CERTAIN WHERE TO PUT HIM - CEDAR RAPIDS - BUT I’D BET HE’D LOAF DOWN IN THE DEVELOPMENTAL LEAGUE ALSO. WILL THERE IS NO DOUBT CHICAGO HAS PLAYERS AND SHOULD BE MORE COMPETITIVE. WE REALLY STRUGGLE WITH SOME TEAMS - LIKE DOWN BY 30 SOME POINTS AGAINST O.R. 7


LANDO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GAME. WE’LL NEVER WIN THAT GAME - WE SHOULD HAVE THE MERCY RULE DECLARED LIKE IN Y BASKETBALL O.R. LITTLE LEAGUE - REMEMBER THE TEN RUN RULE ? JOSH YES - I AGREE THE BULLS JUST FLAT OUT DON’T STEP UP. AND I’LL GET THAT CROWD SOME ALPINE LACE ZUERCHER’S AND SOME LIGHT LEINIES FOR THE LADIES. THE 1888 BOCK ISN’T IN UNTIL NEXT WEEK. AND WE’RE OUT OF OCTOBERFEST - I COULDN’T KEEP THAT IN STOCK. THAT IS JUST SEASONAL IN THE FALL. KERI I’LL TAKE A SHEBOYGAN BRAT WITH THE WORKS WHILE YOU’RE AT IT JOSH. LOTS OF ONIONS. WILL KERI YOU SEEM A BIT TEARY EYED. YOU’RE STARTING TO ACT LIKE A GIRL AGAIN. KERI THAT IS BECAUSE I AM A GIRL - YOU GUYS ARE TOTALLY WITHOUT FEELINGS. NONE AT ALL. YOU ARE JUST TOILET TRAINED HUMANS WHO HAVE BEEN LET LOOSE UPON THE WORLD. NO DIFFERENT THAN A POOCH PUNT - IT GOES NOWHERE. JOSH HANG ON - WE ARE FEELING FOR YOU - WE HAVEN’T TALKED ABOUT SAM SINCE WE DIDN’T WANT TO UPSET YOU. KERI I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE - NOW I REALIZE I MAY HAVE MADE A BIG MISTAKE. I’M STEALING AWAY SAM’S FUTURE THAT HE WORKED SO HARD FOR BECAUSE I’M SELFISH AND WANT ALL THE NORMAL THINGS. WILL MAYBE YOU TWO NEED A COUNSELOR. THE PRIEST HERE IN WRIGLEYVILLE DOES IT FOR FREE. BUT IF YOU ARE COHABITATING HE MAY NOT. THAT IS AGAINST THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. JOSH I THINK YOU JUST NEED TO GO WITH THE FLOW KERI - I WOULDN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. JUST DO YOUR SOCIAL O.R. DER - I MEAN SOCIAL WORK JOB AND THINGS WILL WORK OUT FOR THE BETTER. KERI WHAT IF SAM QUITS TRYING TO COME BACK ? 8


JOSH HE WILL RETURN - TRUST ME - IF HE WANTS THE RELATIONSHIP HE’LL MAKE A MOVE. REMEMBER GUYS ARE ALL JUST TOILET TRAINED POOCH PUNTERS WHO LIKE BEER, FOOTBALL, AND GIRLS - SO WE ARE DISABLED AS A GROUP. WE DON’T RESPOND QUICKLY. WILL GUYS GET ALL NERVED UP ABOUT THE MARRIAGE STUFF BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO DO THE ASKING. KERI BUT THEN IT’S DONE FOR THEM AND THE GIRL HAS TO DO EVERYTHING ELSE. JOSH BUT IT IS A BIG DEAL FOR A GUY TO ASK SOMEONE TO WALK DOWN THE ALTER BECAUSE IT IS PERMANENT. KERI WELL MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN SAM MORE TIME - NO MAYBE HE HAD ENOUGH AND IF HE WANTS THIS TO WORK HE’LL HAVE TO WORK FOR IT. I’LL HAVE SOME OF THAT ALPINE SWISS CHEESE IN LACES ALSO SINCE I’M SUPPOSED TO BE LOSING WEIGHT FROM STRESS. IF WE ARE A TESTING STATION HERE AT WEAGHMAN’S PARK FOR ZUERCHER CHEESE, WELL THEN WE COULD VERY WELL BE THE PLUMPEST BLOCK IN CHICAGO. JOSH WELL - I WONDER WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON IN THOSE COLD ROOMS SAM IS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT BACK AT COOK COUNTY. KERI YES SAM ALWAYS SAID THOSE ROOMS WERE SO COLD EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WARM. THE NURSES ARE ALL HOT WITH SURGICAL LIGHTS, GARB, AND MENOPAUSE. JOSH HEY SAM IS ON THE LINE - SHOULD I TAKE THE CALL ? KERI YES - I’LL ANSWER IT - NO I WON’T - GO AHEAD JOSH. JOSH HEY SAM WHAT IS GOING ON ? SAM OH IT IS SLOW FOR COOK COUNTY - MAYBE THE WEATHER. I GOT SOME SLEEP LAST NIGHT SO I MAY BE DOWN TONIGHT 9


IN A BIT SINCE I’VE GOT MY CALL COVERED. ANY ZUERCHER’S CHEESE LEFT. JOSH YES WE EVEN HAVE SOME NEW SPECIALTIES FROM EUROPE THAT ZUERCHER’S WANTS US TO TEST MARKET. WHAT IS NEW AT THE HOSPITAL. GETTING READY FOR ALPINE VALLEY ? SAM NO - HAVEN’T EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT THE MORALE TRIP TO ALPINE VALLEY WITH THE O.R. STAFF. WE’VE HAD SO MUCH HIGH RISK OB AND TRAUMA THIS PAST WEEK - BUT NOT TODAY. JOSH FEELS LIKE YOU ARE IN DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS RIGHT HERE IN CHICAGO. SAM FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT - I DO FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN IN SIBERIA WITH ALL THESE CASES, RUNNING OUT OF EQUIPMENT AND PERSONNEL. IT IS REALLY A STRUGGLE RIGHT HERE IN THESE COLD ROOMS AT COOK COUNTY. I’M THINKING OF TAKING THAT LAKE FOREST SUBURBAN JOB, GETTING SEASON CUB TICKETS - AT LEAST SHARE THEM WITH SOMEONE, AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE. JOSH WOULDN’T THAT BE A TON EASIER UP THERE WORKING ON ALL THOSE FOLKS WITH MONEY ? SAM I GUESS SO - BUT YOU STILL TAKE CARE OF THE PATIENT NO MATTER WHAT SIZE, SOCIOECONOMIC STATUS, OPERATION, WHATEVER. IT DOESN’T MATTER - MAYBE KERI WAS RIGHT - I MAY HAVE DONE DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS RIGHT HERE IN CHICAGO. JOSH SIBERIA SOUNDS COLD - REALLY COLD SAM BUT YOU KNOW WHAT - I SAW THREE MAJOR FROST BITE CASES THIS PAST WEEK. CHICAGO IS NOT LIKE WARM. WE HAVE SIBERIA RIGHT HERE ON LAKE MICHIGAN SHORES. I KNOW THAT. JOSH WHAT IS MELANIE UP TO ?

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SAM OH SHE WANTS TO GO OUT FOR A BEER AFTERWARDS BUT I DON’T KNOW - MAYBE WE’LL JUST COME DOWN TO WEAGHMAN’S PARK. BETTER FOOD AND ATMOSPHERE. JOSH SOUNDS GOOD - SEE YOU TWO IN A BIT. KERI SO MELANIE AND SAM ARE COMING HERE. I’M GONE FOR GOOD - I KNEW IT - MELANIE AT THAT HOSPITAL IS THE MOST PREYING WOMAN GOD COULD MANUFACTURE. THERE COUDN’T BE ANY WORSE. I’M OUT OF HERE SINCE THOSE TWO ARE ON THEIR WAY. YES MEN ARE LOW LIFE POOCH PUNTERS WHO ARE LET LOOSE AFTER MINIMAL TOILET TRAINING. SEE YOU ALL - I DON’T KNOW WHEN - MAYBE I’LL GET A DATE FOR THE OUTDOOR ICE HOCKEY NHL GAME.

End-Chapter 5, cold rooms

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Cold Rooms - Chapter 5  

SAM MAXWELL, A SENIOR 20 SOMETHING ANESTHESIOLOGY RESIDENT AT COOK COUNTY HOSPITAL - CHICAGO, ILLINOIS IS FINISHING HIS RESIDENCY. SAM IS T...

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