HUMOR
THE DECATUR SPOOF
Students fret as substitutes reign supreme
BY SAM JONES
Illustration by John Ellis
B
y thoroughly searching Craigslist, Kroger bathrooms and even local MARTA stations, City Schools of Decatur officials enlist their next hire: a substitute teacher. “Really the goal is to get the most combatant, unlikely candidate possible,” a CSD hiring manager said. “I want their presence to disrupt even hallway interactions.” Decatur seems to have met its goal thus far. Over 100 student complaints have been filed against substitute teachers who were deemed “unlawful to be within 10 feet of children.” An anonymous freshman reported a sub to the authorities when she walked in wearing a full Chiquita banana outfit. Allegedly, the sub brandished a tire iron and would not let students go to the bathroom without a note from home. Some reports border on unbelievable. A junior reportedly had a class with an unconfirmed extraterrestrial. “Yeah, lol, she just, like, beamed down out of nowhere. It was crazy I guess, I don’t know, lol,” she said. Decatur officials were unable to be reached for comment. The matter is reportedly “under investigation.” As more reports are examined, stories only grow more bizarre. Allegedly, a substitute licked a freshman after she asked to go to the bathroom. “She just licked me,” a sobbing freshman said. “I just wanted to go to the bathroom, and she licked me, right on the lips.” Some Decatur alumni view the ridiculousness of Decatur substitutes as part of the school culture. “You know, it’s hard to say subs are always bad,” a 2001 graduate said. “I remember this one time, Decatur hired an extinct passenger pigeon to head the classroom. I learned a lot that day.” The incident led to hundreds of inquiries as to how the district obtained the rare bird. Students complained of a strange taste in the chicken nuggets that same afternoon. Still, to Decatur residents’ dismay, administrators continue to hire substitutes who many believe should not be working with children. A recent report found that 70 percent of Decatur substitute teachers had received full frontal lobotomies. Still, the district maintains that substitutes are skillfully recruited. “I mean, we have to scare the kids somehow, and we can’t just fire permanent teachers,” the district hiring manager said. At the time of publication, City Schools of Decatur had just announced a brand new sub task force. Over 100 new substitutes are expected to grace Decatur’s halls. Community outcry is anticipated. n
CARPE DIEM • December 2016
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