Foreword These 10 stories have been written by fathers who have dug deep into their terrible ordeal to share their feelings after the sudden cardiac death of their fit and healthy young child. It has been compiled to help other Dads feel less alone. After such a catastrophic event the expectation is often on “the head of the family” to manage those closest, whilst their own searing grief is sidelined. Endeavouring to relieve their wife and children from further suffering, they focus on trying to be useful and the practical challenges - expressing how they coped with: planning the funeral; worrying what their dead son/daughter would have wanted; trying to get it right; the finality of the burial. Meanwhile, they are dealing with the guilt of believing they failed to protect their dead child; the distressing implosion of the family dynamic; and siblings struggling to settle into a rearranged order. An onerous sense of responsibility to withhold their feelings for the family’s sake becomes a combustible cocktail of suppressed emotion. Their anxiety that another child might be affected; the crushing fear that there was something that could have been done to prevent the tragedy; the sometimes hurtful responses of others … the harrowing experience of listening to the excruciating pain of a grieving mother, their wife, and the cruelty of watching her endure such sorrow, leaving them feeling hopeless and inadequate. The hollow, conflicting emotions of seeing their dead child’s peers growing bigger and older; yearning for the son/daughter relationship that has been ripped from them; the harshness of trying to live life without them; the longing for hugs no longer there. The self-imposed duty of ensuring their child is never forgotten. Mood swings; vulnerability; turmoil; disbelief; loss of control and the lurching from hope to despair. This booklet bears witness to the brutality of a grief experienced over a decade ago, through to the rawness of a Dad’s feelings after the recent death of his son. Their courage in revisiting the agonising impact of their tragedy has been inspired by their commitment to help other fathers affected.
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Taken from CRY’s Bereavement Support leaflet: The death of a seemingly healthy child or young adult is so out of order with the sequence of life that its effects are devastating. It can be hard to believe that this weight will ever be lifted from you. Grief affects not only the emotions - other consequences can include exhaustion, feeling sick and not being able to eat or sleep. These reactions are completely normal at times of intense stress and shock. It could be important to talk to someone about your feelings, no matter what they are. It is not always easy to do this with people who are suffering from the same loss. Talking to someone outside your immediate family is often the most helpful way forward. These feelings can go deep inside. If you bottle them up, thinking you have them under control, they will probably resurface later. Expressing such feelings, recognising them and thus including them in your life can help in your life’s journey to reconstruct a world that you know will never be the same again. Alison Cox MBE, CRY Founder and former Chief Executive 2 © Cardiac Risk in the Young