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By Michael Sharp, Katie Lepri and Alexandra Lopez


ver the past few semesters, international relations professor Jane Mullins has been raising suspicion among students at the Modesto Madeek campus on whether or not she is human. Smith’s appearance and demeanor may seem normal to most; however, students close to her are noticing unusual characteristics that have them questioning her human-ness. 6 students came to me (your narrator) recently and told me about how they got together in what looked to some as a study group, but in actuality, turned out to be a group of investigators. Amanda Burke, senior and public relations major, took the role of leader and gathered the other 5 members. “I was the first one to notice something weird and mysterious,” said Burke, 24. “I got who I thought were the 5 most critical thinkers in the class and they started picking up on things, to.”

Burke, feeling a little deadlocked, started relying more on the other members of her investigating group.”

One of her more reliable counterparts, Chicho Perez, liberal arts major, who is in charge of staring at the professor during class and monitoring her mannerisms, gave his account of what he observed in the first two days since the investigation began. “She doesn’t blink bro!” “Lo juro, meng. I stare at her for three hour in class and her eye move around but no blink. Never bro! Never!” Peres, who is often confused as Mexican, is from El Salvador and moved to America twenty years ago when he was sixteen. Another member, Veronica (refused to give last name), said she noticed her music stops playing when the professor starts talking.

“It happened once and I didn’t think anything of it,” said Veronica. “But I started noticing it happened each time she starts talking. The music comes back on, but for the few seconds she’s saying something, it Burke gave herself the toughest and riskiest cuts off. It’s the weirdest thing.” role of the group: Staying after class and monitoring the professor’s whereabouts. The other members have pointed out unusual activities such as the professor never “I’ve never seen her come or go,” she said. letting people see what she eats, always “I haven’t confirmed anything, but she goes changing the topic from international relainto this one room after her last class and tions to global issues and how humans are never comes out of it. I even fell asleep what is wrong with the planet. She even on a nearby bench waiting for her. I guess went as far as to say an intervention was she could’ve left in the brief period I was necessary, according to several other stuasleep, but I doubt it. dents. Burke claims to have asked a professor According to Wikipedia, extra terrestrial associated with “Mullins” about her wherelife is defined as life that does not originate abouts. She asked the professor what type from Earth. None of what professor Mullins of car he drives, when he responded, she has done is evidence of anything other than asked curiously what the suspicious profesunusual human behavior. sor drives, and his response was the following: Burke and her group hit a stalemate and decided to lay off their investigation. This “I’ve actually never seen her drive here,” was until they noticed Smith’s former TA said the professor. “I think she gets (teacher’s assistant) went missing. ‘dropped off.’



“She just stopped showing up to school,” said a group of students who talked to me. “Right after she took over that position, we don’t know if she works from home, but she just stopped coming.” Burke, who is friends with the TA on Facebook, said she became concerned when she started noticing unusual posts on her page. Her latest post: “Love working with professor Mullins. A lot of what she has shown me has made me evolve. The world needs to evolve!” Burke found this strange. “We don’t even know if it’s her posting it. She’s always posting things like that now,” she said. “That’s what has everyone thinking she’s ok, but nobody has actually seen her.” The group said they didn’t wanna raise an issue because of unknown consequences, but that they will continue investigating and hope this article can spark a fire around campus. 1


swimaway drug lord, last seen fleeing Reef abuse. “She made him swallow air bubbles. Do you know what that does to a fish??” Correctional Facilities 13 years ago. “My wife did NOT have sexual searelations with that sea turtle,” said Mayor Clownfish. “Those photos are obviously arlin Clownfish, mayor of Reef City, sea-shopped.” was implicated in a drug scam when SydAbout five years ago, Frankie the Shark, ney police fish patrol found 100,000 kilos who was filmed in “Shark Tale” the chillof medical sea marijuana in an underwater ing documentary about the fish mafia, was warehouse registered under the name of allegedly seen buying dope from Bran Dori Clownfish, the mayor’s wife. “Brucie” Shark, who said he was tormented by Dori Clownfish. According to Bruce, she Starfish concluded before storming out of ruled with an iron fin. the interview. My wife did NOT have “She wouldn’t even let us eat what we “She has to be stopped,” he said before wanted,” Bran said. “Fish are friends, not sexual sea-relations food. Poor Chum, he dies of starvation two leaving. with that sea turtle,” years into the gang.” Bran (who’s name has Without sufficient evidence, The Police been changed) is a member of the Witness Fish Department of Reef City can not build said Mayor Clownfish. Protection Program for Fish. their case as Sgt. Crab explained.


“She has to be stopped”

“Those photos are obviChum Shark, another shark killed in the ously sea-shopped.” drug and mafia world under Dori Clownfish

“In this sea-city, you gotta do the best you can and move on,” Sgt. Crap remarked at the scene, ironically adding the Clownfishes wasn’t the only fatality. According to Peach family catchphrase, “Just keep swimming.” Starfish, who lived in a Tank Complex at P. The warehouse was registered under Dori Sherman, their roommate and Dori’s exEnterprisers, Inc, and was situated right husband “Bubbles” wasn’t that way eight below P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney, years ago. Australia. “He used to be called Frank, until he metPolicefish found several photographs imDori. They were a good couple until we plicating an affair between Dori Clownfish found out Dori was abusing him,” Starfish Jeffrey Pierre and Marisol Medina contributed and Shelby Seaturtle, who is known to be a said, describing horrific events of domestic to this report.



King of Jungle dead in Gazelle Stampede King Musasa, leader of the free Jungle Kingdom, was brutally

By SFNS staff writers

trampled in a furious stampede last Friday organized by an infamous rebel gazelle gang better known as the GazeliaThugs, led by left-paw extremist, Scar.

had come back from hiding and had succeeded in killing his brother, Mufasa, but were hopeful about the future of the kingdom.

The GazeliaThugs had tweeted about their disapproval of King Mufasa’s new locust real state development on sacred gazelle lands where a thousand years ago, King Gazellator defeated his nemesis King Cheetah-o.

“Hakuna Matata,” he said. “No worries for the rest of the days.”

It is speculated this is the reason why they joined forces with excommunicated heir to the throne, Scar. Social activist leader, Timon the meerkat, was present at the scene where King Mufasa was killed by the rebel forces. “Listen, kid, bad things happen, and there’s nothing you can do about that,” he said, visibly shaken by witnessing the murder of a close family friend. Timon said he and partner Puumba were disillusioned that Scar

The worry-free sentiment of Jungle Kingdom is not widespread, as some citizens have expressed concern about an increase of GazeliaThug terrorist attacks. “Oh yes, the past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it,” said Rafiki the baboon, who was King Mufasa’s minister of defense. He warned about continuing attacks by the rebel gang and announced Simba would take the throne and continue his father’s dedicated fight against terrorism. Princess Nala disagrees. “What’s happened to you? You’re not the Simba I remember,” she tweeted shortly after Prince Simba was seen fleeing into the Sahara after recovering his father’s beaten corpse from under the stampede’s ghostly dust.

By Matias J. Ocner , Luis Jose and Crystal Chew

When Juan “Pepe” Manolin the 3rd, a twenty one year old

balsero from big-havana, cuba arrived in hialeah, fl. a couple of weeks ago, his first words were, “wheres my papers”?

the public water fountain near his house to his kitchen sink. According to google, Cubas National college of plumbing has the highest rate of dropouts since the revolution.

Unsatisfied with the quality of sugar canes, and afraid of the Chupa Cabra, Juan hopes to start a school and teach his master- Manolin, who made a deal with Mark Rosinbourg, the fiu president, plans to inaugurate a “Cuban Handyman School” in the ful plumbing skills to FIU students. fall semester and show the Cuban people just how great he is. “I was taking a shower and the water stopped,” explained susana “I can see the cuban flags from 8th street and flagler,” said Grasanchez, Juan’s neighbor and resident of “la ciudad que prociela Gomez looking out from the FIU library, “this partnership gressa.” is going to make fiu rich”! “When I looked out the window, there he was with his big rusty wrench, unscrewing the water hydrant outside my house,” yelled As a reporter I think that manolin’s plumping school is an amazing idea and any person who is seeking training should contact Susana Manolin. “That crazy ‘santera’, she needs to mind her own business” His phone number is 305-345-5689 and his address is 342 Wascreamed Juan, who was busy running a connecting pipe from terway Drive, his social security number is 324-58-1643.



E C N A M S O E R L E Z Z TH I S Who is Roary?

FIU mascot Roary was last seen leaving


By Christian Portilla and Sandeep Varry

the Aladdin motel in Okeechobee with University of Miami’s mascot Ibis at 8:30pm. Curiou on what the two rival mascots are upto coming out of a motel, I started following them, which led me to this discovery; FIU’s Roary, Sam Seaborne, and Ibes of UM, Randy Meloni, are totally in love.

We took special interest in the story as this is a matter of school pride and we set up hidden cameras and microphones outside their homes and inside their cars (we did not have the budget to hire a private eye..if not we would have totally done it) and what we found was very juicy..kinda like tablet material bro.

What is funny is that these two school are totally rival, like seriously, very very rival. Like you would think they would punch each other in faces if they came 10 feet close to each other. When I stalked their profiles on facebook, I noticed that they act as if they hate each other, having a full blown faceboom comment flight and they are both officially “single”. We think that they should totally chance their status to “friends with benefits” or “mascots with

You would be surprised to hear what we heart on tapes and made it available on itunes for $5 which will reimburse us on the camera and other expenses. You should really listen to it but not if you are single or a loser. Listen only if you are in a relationship or on you way to a one night stand. Anyways, coming back to the point. We think they totally have a think for each other. You know what thing we are talking about don’t ya ?

We are not sure how happy their wives are going to be when they hear the recordings but we think that the facebook status might become more permanent. We think our presidents should call a emergency meeting and totallu get to the bottom of it, and they will also be happy to now that two of their studenst, (us) are totally putting best of our investigative journalism skills to use.

If we were to comment…we would say

roary is too hot for ibes..ibes looks like a backend of a truck and roary should be looking out for a part time ate Abercrombie and fitch. With all that said, Go golden Pathers…and we will totally kick their ass if we ever play them again. Go Pathers!!!


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