The Fortnightly Profit Integrity through â€˜independent journalismâ€™, a new view-point, owned and operated here in Wellington, New Zealand.
issue :: 1 // sept 2012
PR Campaign for Dummies! eBook
The Fortnightly Profit
Contents... Introduction Editorial Message — pg. 1
Editorial: Corey Fuimaono Writers: Casey Chim Corey Fuimaono Colin Moisson Kelsey Sanson
Publishing Software: Publisher™ 2007 Proof Reading: Natasha Lay Webmaster: Corey Fuimaono Copyright 2012 Pilcrow Squared
Opinion Piece How I was forced to Shit Paper— pg. 2 Featured Piece PR Campaign for Dummies — pg. 3 Miscellaneous Jewels of Knowledge...? — pg. 5 The Wide World of Failures — pg. 6
Contact US: email@example.com (027) 869-1196 OR The Fortnightly Profit cc: Corey Fuimaono 10 Durham St Cannons Creek Porirua 5024
Activities Crossword of the Fortnight // Help with your Relationship — pg. 7 Guide of Interesting Events // A place to write notes and draw horribly constructed dicks — pg. 8 Interesting Image of the Fortnight — pg. 9
Disclaimer: The views pointed in this magazine is not necessarily those of “The Fortnightly Profit” or Pilcrow Squared. However, we do believe in the Freedom of Speech; so if you don’t think that the content provided is not fit for publishing, then Fuck You. This magazine wasn’t made for assholes.
Hmm... What to say... Well, welcome to the first edition and issue of “The Fortnightly Profit”. This has been made using Publisher, so that would explain the ‘simplicity’ and ‘basic-ness’ of the design...
You know what?
The WBC are just full of hating steaming shit. Using their bible to rid the world of sin? Absolute Fucking Rubbish! These guys don’t have the objective to ‘clear’ the world as the normal form of Christianity. You might be wondering what this damn They just torment the fuck out of everyone! Be magazine is about... “The Fortnightly Profit” is a it that you’re Gay, Lesbian, Transsexual, Her‘masterpiece’ of epic proportions where maphrodite, a supporter of war, a supporter of speech isn’t restricted; where rowdiness is anything; EVEN IF YOU’RE JUST PLAIN NORabsolutely necessary. Obviously we don’t allow MAL... PREPARE TO BE SHAT ON BY THESE GOD racism, now that’s the turning point of free -LESS BASTARDS!!! speech isn’t it. Also, the protests from Westboro Baptist Church is the turning point of Free But yes, that’s who we are. :) Enjoy. Speech...
Casey Chim Presents...
How I was Forced to Shit Paper A tale on the sudden apparels of writing. Not Shitting Paper. Sorry... It’s a fine sunny day in the land of long white clouds. The years 9 are running around being the little shits they are and the year 11 are being...well...yea let’s just not go there. Its 11:00. Form time. My period before was surprisingly easy considering it was maths and we were doing probability -_- … yay probability! But back to form time where I find Corey sitting at his usual place, typey type typing away on his *cough* shit *cough* laptop. I can’t help but have a look at what he is doing (because what else do you do in form time? ...Nothing -_) aaannnddd I’m so surprised when I find out he’s making a magazine, because he hasn’t done
that before! No course not.
words! I had this nice story all sorted out then it had to be deSo anyway long story short he says stroyed by this shit filling that “Hey! I’m makin’ a magazine! I’m forced to write. Wanna write shit about stoof?” I ponder for a moment wondering if So 260 words later and I’m out a I am able to live up to such a task. of shit……So………Corey wanted 330 something words so I’m Wondering if this was how I would making up the “Lyrics of the become a great writer of fortnight!” shit?...Maybe. So I say why not and I am regretting it already when he ask what I might write about. So being lazy and out of pondering juice I said I’ll write about how I was tasked with such a…task. AAANNNDDD that would conclude my awesome story but Corey had to have it his way and make me write 330…something
Today we will showcase NyanCat!...Enjoy ^_^
yan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan Nyan x 1500 Sadly there is a word limit and considering how big the song is I have to cut it short. Though I do hope this enlighten your day. This story is mostly real, but I have added shit in the form of filling. Just thought you would like to know ^_^
PR Campaign for Dummies OR Making Pitiful Marketing Campaigns for Dummies So you’re in charge of PR for a major firm. You get a phone call - four in the morning - with a representative informing you that their products are going under scrutiny from both majority of the public and the Members of Parliament, who they just conferred backdoor deals with, last week. You’re trying to think. What the Hell are you going to do? You’ve had drinks, the weekly allowance of pure coke from the dealer down the alleyway and you’re stumped for ideas. You’ve done the time in class. But did your ears take any of that ‘Bullshit’ that your lecturers have shat in front of you for 5 damn years straight!?
by Corey Fuimaono By the time you, your colleagues, friends, professors, partners – if you’re a polygamist – and parents have read this; a powerful giant firm would have already placed their abstract-less ad campaign into the feeble minds of the public. Being the ‘varsity’ students that you are and the ‘intellectual’ high school student that I think I am...
We should be able to just let this terribly made campaign go past on its journey of being ignored and let the government do what they are supposed to do; fighting for the freedom and rights of its people. But, the Media are being to talk about this. It must be serious... We know that whenever the news is on and someone’s being trialled for, Wait... You’ve got it! we would Black Background... listen. We know that whenever Police Ten 7 is on and that Some text... old fart-tard is asking for help to capture a bloody monA cheap website... grel, we would use the ‘2° of Separation Law’ – calling Blue and Red buttons... Yes! Yes!! YES!!! friends and family – attempting to bring the asshole to justice. This pre-installed action would be in us as New Feeling confident from a hard, one hour session on Zealanders. Adobe Illustrator and watching premium HD Porn, you We will protest, swear, curse and threaten to get our way, go to sleep; assured that you got the job done. this is human instinct. However, though a majority are for Plain Packaging because of potential health risks, caused by smoking (which British Tobacco are confessing), there is a shitty campaign made by these White Pigs. One that probably took an un-intelligent 34 year old, stubborn, frequent masturbator has money growing from trees and flowing out his ass, to make. The campaign is just that terrible. It really is. The fact that:
Ya done yet? source :: Comedy Central
A big corporation, representing major cigarette brands, subject themselves as selling potentially health-risky products. AND
Only has the concept that without brands, that clearly identify cigarettes for what they are, revenues will go down
Is ABSOLUTE RUBBISH! People will still continue to smoke, brands really doesn’t matter anymore. The situation would be that one day, a normal smoker would enter a shop and say to the shop-keeper, “Can I get a 20-pack of Ethanol-based cigarettes please?”. Now yes, this might sound like a case of standardization of one product; but the details of the cigarette, whether it would be Ethanol-Flavoured or not, those would be placed on the packet. It has been proven though an experiment that a medical professor who starred in Spurlock’s “Super Size Me”, that children
were subjected to eating lollies, that were in the shape of lollies; white without the imitation of a bud. They also were required to get these lollies out of standardized plain packages, like the ones that many of us are wanting consumers to be subjected to. Over the course of those children’s lives, a group of scientists discovered that they were soon addicted to smoking and had a proper understanding of how to smoke, thanks to the lollies they tried at a younger age. The point of this case? No Brands were used. Absolutely NONE! Yet they state within their Print Ad:
“We disagree with plain packaging because it prevents companies using the legal branding they’ve created and invested in” Word for word that quote was copied, directly from the ad they have on their website. A possible question that can be raised is that Haven’t the big firms “investing” in their brands received enough money through their extravagant and plentiful supply of profit? Obviously they wouldn’t comment on that... But one thing is that they probably wouldn’t. Pigs like the ones over at British Tobacco, can’t get enough of their riches and bitches that are paid through their riches...[Look a Rhyme!] But No Company would be! Then there’s the question of whether or not there would be any cost towards the investment and creation of brands. One investment cost overtime would be the cost to trademark it in countries around the world. But that’s such a micro cost, compared with the profit that Cigarette Makers and Distributors make. Then there’s the possibility of a graphic designer being required to do some work... But overall, those costs are so FUCKING SMALL! Really...
“...bitches that are paid through their riches...” I don’t know how to end this, but saying...That this Damn Campaign Sucks SHIT! In fact, it should be hereby decreed, that British Tobacco deserves and is rewarded the shit of an absolute bullshit ad campaign.
by Corey Fuimaono
Y U NO HAND IN YOUR ARTICLE ON TIME!!!
Wonderful Wall of Failures
Billboards are just positioned in the most greatest places sometimes aren’t they?
Oh JESUS! At least flush the damn toilet before you decide to take a photo for RedTube!
Damn person only has $17! Think he’s al’ Gangsta and Shet....
A Female Dog as a Face
A rude alternative to ‘Vagina’
Person who eats the anus
An acronym for ‘Store High In Transit’
A person committing ‘incest’ with their mother
Known as the ‘F’ Word
A Vagina as a Face
10 A Fucking Retard
11 Rude Reference to ‘Penis’ 12 Jim Hickey’s Coined Weather Term on One News Right. This Fortnight’s focus is on Teenage Pregnancy.
n’t; though it is really as easy as getting your lolly fix. So why are there so many Teen Pregnancies?
Now before we begin, how many teenagers that might be reading this, have bought Condoms?
It must be really glamorous having a poked-out stomach with stretch marks and wearing special wear, keeping the baby save. It’s you’re responsibility to look after the new thing that you’ve
We here at The Fortnightly Profit have-
introduced into the world. This, all caused by little thing...
Gig Guide from the NZ Herald // Wellington Region
Notes Some Blank Space for you to write on, donâ€™t bother getting a pad out. You have the magazine to draw on. :)
10:26am Paul Ulberg at El Rancho doing a brilliant flip on the trampoline.
Interesting Image of