Magnum Hunting By Bryce Gamache
2013 Regina, Saskatchewan S4S 0A2 (306) 596-1122
EXT - OUTSIDE PHARMACY - NIGHT PHIL (15) a wiry, neatly dressed teenager. He has a warm winter coat, long hair. People seems to ignore his presence as if he was invisible. Phil is walking back and forth in front of the door to the pharmacy. PHIL Its simple walk in walk out. Walk in walk out. Phil reaches for the door handle. His hand touches the door and he immediately pulls away. Phil begins to pace back in forth nervously PHIL Ok, ok This is part of being a man. Iâ€™ve got nothing to be embarrassed about, if anything I should be proud. Phil walks towards the door again puts his hand on the door and pulls away. PHIL Dammit Phil! Your future rests on this moment. All the guys are counting on me. (beat) Screw them! Phil begins to walk away. Phil turns around and comes back to where he was pacing. PHIL Ok, ok. Phil reaches to his phone and puts on a pump up song. Phil jumps up and down shaking his body. PHIL Whatâ€™s so hard about buying condoms! I got this! Phil aggressively walk towards the pharmacy.
INT - PHARMACY - NIGHT Phil begins to push open the doors. As Phil sets foot in the store time feels as if it comes to a halt as everyone in the store turns towards him. Time begins to come back to its normal speed as everyone in the store is back doing their tasks. Phil quickly looks down and begins looking for the aisle with condoms. Phil struggling to find the aisle starts to double back. poking his head around corners he finally finds a aisle with promise. Phil quickly darts into the aisle to find a full row of condoms. Phil is overwhelmed with all the different types and realizes this is going to be harder than he thought. Phil notices all sorts of different products that he never knew existed. Such as five different lubricants, ribbed and flavored condoms. Phil grabs a box of flavored condoms. PHIL Oh well that’s cool Phil flips the box over to read the back. TODD (21) a shelf stalker, serious about his job, He roams the aisle looking for appreciation and attention. His uniform neatly pressed and tucked in he is overly confident. He sees Phil reading the back of the condom box Todd puts his labeling gun in a holster on his side. Todd begins to walk towards Phil. Todd strutting as he walks. Phil sees him coming, in distress he looks back at the condom box. TODD It uh.. looks like you could use a little help. PHIL No I’m uh I’m good.
TODD Oh really well have you sized up on the BDI yet? Confused and nervous Phil pauses. PHIL The...BDI? Phil looking shocked.. TODD That’s what I thought, the Big Dick Index. you know the shaft multiplied by tip size divided by the root of center circumference? a blank expression comes across Phil’s face. TODD We got a lot of work to do... Todd glances around the store. Everyone is shopping and not paying attention. TODD Alright whip it out. Phil’s eyes widen. PHIL whi..whip it out? TODD Yeah it will just take a sec. Come on we don’t have all day... Eyes wide open Phil slowly begins to undo his zipper. TODD Oh wait wait I don’t have my measuring tape. Just give me a minute. Todd walks into the back. Panicked Phil does his zipper back up. Phil watches Todd walk into the back and quickly grabs a pack of Life Style condoms and turns to walk out.
Phil makes it five steps when a old lady (ELEANOR a 72 year old lady who hits on any character with lump between there legs. She wears lip stick, looks like she could fall over at any second. She has no shame with her age) sees what he is carrying. ELEANOR Uh excuse me young man? Stops dead in his tracks and slowly turns around to see Eleanor smiling. ELEANOR You can’t possibly be buying those. PHIL Why not I’m old enough. ELEANOR oh yes, you definitely are. Letting out a seductive smile. ELEANOR I just mean you can’t possibly be getting those if you expect her to climax sweety. Todd’s eyes widen, Eleanor takes him by the arm and drags him back to the condom section. Eleanor lets Todd go and picks up a box of magnum condoms and a box of ribbed condoms. ELEANOR Now these are the tools you need if you want her to have a good time. Eleanor looks at Phil and smiles again. Phil looking shocked. PHIL whhich one? Phil lets the words out quietly and nervous. ELEANOR Hm, what was that last one? It was with this older gentlemen. He even claimed he taught Ron Jeremy everything he knows.
PHIL Ron Jeremy? ELEANOR oh so young. He even claims he has a bigger... (Beat) Eleanor hands Phil the box of Magnum condoms. ELEANOR These were the ones. Eleanor lets out a approving smile Phil grabs the box quickly. ELEANOR You know if your ever around Victoria you could stop by. Confused Phil decides to go with it PHIL Uh. will do? Eleanor still smiling. Phil turns and walks hastily off. Stacie is at her till looking bored. STACIE’S (21) a teenagers goddess. She matured quickly she knows her way around the opposite sex. She uses her looks to her advantage and has grown past being shy. She wears her outfit great, long hair that is curled. she has big glasses and pink lip stick. Stacie’s till is open as we see Phil turn the corner. Phil looks at Stacie’s till. It is the only till open. Phil looks down at his box of condoms. Looking back up at Stacie he begins to slowly walk over Approaching the cashier Phil grabs a couple chocolate bars not to be suspicious. Stacie looks down smiles. STACIE Your not going after young kids are you?
PHIL (Voice cracks) What! No No. STACIE (jokingly) Just thought I’d check. You never know when a guy buys a bunch of candy and condoms together. Phil screw kids. No wait! I..I didn’t mean that literally STACIE Right well as long as you say so. Phil begins to zone out as Stacie grabs the box of condoms and scans them. She looks at Phil. STACIE is there anything else? Phil zones out on Stacie’s lips. Time feels as if it slows down. The camera zooms out to reveal Stacie in Phil’s bedroom. INT - PHIL’S BEDROOM - NIGHT STACIE You’ve been a bad boy Phil. Stacie pushes him on the bed. She leans over Phil. Stacie has a row of magnum condoms in her hand. STACIE I think your going to need these. INT - PHARMACY - NIGHT STACIE (CONT.) Is that a boner. Back in the grocery store Stacie is standing there staring. Phil panics and quickly pushes up against the side of the till.
PHIL No no (chuckles) Its uh... this... my phone. (chuckles) Yeah my phone. Has a fake confident smirk on his face. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. Stacie does not look convinced. STACIE Are you sure these will fit. She holds up the box of Magnum condoms. A women comes running to the till. WOMEN did I leave my credit card here? yes
STACIE its right there.
Stacie points behind Phil. the women look and sees Phil in the way. WOMEN Uh excuse me. Phil moves out of the way revealing his erection. WOMEN Oh my. Phil pushes up against the side of the till again. Phil looks around the room as Stacie is laughing. Phil looks behind him to see Eleanor in line behind him. Eleanor is biting her lip. Todd is behind Eleanor. He is nodding his head. TODD Looks like a 3.67 on the BDI not to shabby. Looking around the room Phil is surrounded Phil turns and sprints out the door.
EXT - OUTSIDE PHARMACY - NIGHT Phil runs out the door. Overwhelmed repeating PHIL Not worth it. It’s not worth it. FADEOUT