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The Wrangler

March 2014 Edition Roman Numeral Thirty-three

News in Brief 

Putin invades Brazil in hopes of hosting 2016 Summer Olympics

Young Dems reject Biathlon over gun use

Brophy Bobsled team astonished as they encounter snow for the first time

Jamaica mocks Brophy: “At least it snows where we’re from”

Sons forced to do homework before watching Olympics, productivity skyrockets

Spectators surprised: “In Russia, medal wins you”

Real. Comfortable. News.

Investigation: An elaborate ruse at Brophy Hall By: Jack Rose ’16 Although impeccable execution and superb delivery were on his side, Vlad "Hammertime" Putin couldn't break our school spirit. Is there any question that the parallels between Sochi Olympics and Brophy Hall bathroom snafu are a tad bit too similar? From broken toilets and lingering stench, the elaborate scheme to crush a school's heart and soul was foiled due to the strength and brotherhood present at Brophy. You may be asking, "Why would the Russian President have it out for BCP?" The answer lay hidden until Twitter exploded with tweets exposing the ruse. A number of reasons raced through my head. Tense international relations, Putin's crush on Ann Coulter, etc. But it hit me with the crushing force of a mother bear: Vladimir

Schmidbauer and Cordova beat Williams and Agliano for gold in Olympic Skating

Putin hates horses. He absolutely while members of the horse-hating hates them. This one time on the radical group were promptly sent internet, I saw him riding a horse: to Siberia for exile. the ultimate oppression of the four legged steed. Now the reasons are clear. But how? This is where things get messy. It seems an anti-equine cell had infiltrated our own campus. Through calculated collaboration and a stealth-like precision, over 850 Taco Bell tacos were successfully digested into busted pipes in Brophy Hall, knowing fully that the blame would fall on the Hockey Team. A risky, ingenious plot. Little did Vlad know, however, that Brophy maintenance has not only dealt with Taco Bell revenge, but with the ultimate adversary: Michael's chicken burritos. The pipes were fixed in no time, mean-

“Putin in Work” Putin spotted outside Brophy Hall in late February

Opening Ceremony malfunction, K13 to blame By: Alec Gonzales ’15 As Vladimir Putin was finalizing his plans for the 2014 Winter Olympics opening ceremony, he found that one discrepancy had been overlooked: the deployment mechanism for the rings had not been inspected. He quickly picked up his phone to call the world’s most renowned technical support, Brophy’s own K13. His call was answered by rising choir star, Mr. Mark Pettit, who assured Vladimir that he would gladly inspect his ring deployment mechanism, and so he did. Mr. Petit assured Vlad that the deployment mechanism would undoubtedly function properly. Vladimir was a bit unsure of Mr. Pettit’s fixes, and desired a full description of the adjustments that had been made. Mr. Pettit explained that he had reimaged the deployment mechanism as well as the rings themselves. Mr. Pettit told Vladimir to rest assured that the rings will deploy properly on opening day. When the fifth ring didn’t deploy, a global scoff at Russia’s incompetency could be heard. In an exclusive interview, Vladimir Putin said, “It was all Mark’s fault! His beautiful voice and funky music taste fooled me, and he’ll fool you too if you’re not careful! He had all the qualities of a technical genius, but alas, he has failed me and my country.” Russia has filed a lawsuit against Brophy’s tech department for 486,328 ruble, but it is projected that they will drop the charges and settle for ice cream. Mr. Pettit only agreed to one interview, in which he said, “I don’t know what went wrong… I reimaged each ring, all four! I also reimaged the motor and chain! I bet one of my jealous associates sabotaged my work! They’re just jealous they don’t have a golden voice like mine.” Mr. Pettit intends to continue his career in technical support; however, he intends to eventually pursue a singing and rhythmic clapping career as per Mr. Paul Olson’s advice.

xXOverlord_PettitXx, as he is known in K13, meticulously repairs the broken Olympic rings whilst humming a melodic melody.

Editors Jake Morey ’15 Alec Gonzales ’15 Copy Editor Seth Harris ’14 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Chief Wrangler Monitor NSA

The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested? Email: A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2014 Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof. Printed on recycled Roundups

The Wrangler Presents...


Endorsed by the Office of Funny Jokes

Wrangler No. 33  

The official satire newspaper of Brophy College Preparatory in Phoenix, AZ, USA. Issue No. 33.

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