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The Wrangler February 29, 2012 Edition Roman Numeral Twenty-Two

News in Briefs 

Doc Ewing throws out back in Civil War live action role play AJ’s hires unnamed Xavier girls to model next line of tea

Lax season resumes, growth of flow not in vain

Soccer coaching staff struggles with washing poop smell off of jerseys

Chinese exchange students misinterpret meaning of Red Army Spring break immersion trip inside a Bronco to utilize the “Magic School Bus”

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Real. Comfortable. News.


No apocalypse but English Department still feels effects By Kyle Chalmers ’13 An anonymous source confirmed on the cold night of December 21st 2012 that many members of the Brophy’s English Department communed and prayed for the end of the world not to come. They made a covenant with each other that if their world did not end, they would live life differently. With the Mayan prophecy having been false, the teachers honored their sacred covenant. The staff of Brophy has never been the same since that night: particularly Ms. Deborah Kauffman and Mr. Scott “Aragorn” Middlemist ’87. Ms. Kauffman, who had formerly been known for her understanding and kind disposition, has turned to a new life. According to a reliable source, she made a promise to her colleagues, that night, to be more fearsome and angry with students similarly to Grendel with Hrothgrar’s kingdom in Beowulf. In a

quote from Ms. Kauffman, she uttered, “I have found that good writing is what I am after. Nothing provokes good writing like fear. Nothing.” There have been many reports of students being chased out of her class for neglecting to read their books or for their badly-written literary assignments. The Wrangler sent a journalist to interview her, but he has not been seen since. Recently released news from the English Department confirms that Mr. Middlemist has now shockingly switched his interests from Star Wars (his life’s devotion and obsession) to Lord of the Rings. Mr. Middlemist wanted to return to the roots of fantasy with orcs, elves, and hobbits. He no longer teaches his class the ways of the Force, but instead calls them his “Fellowship” and takes them on impossible ventures to find and destroy the one Ring. He forces them to also call him

“Mr. Aragorn (Rightful Heir to the Throne of Gondor)” whenever they refer to or address him. It makes for quite the MLA conundrum. Also, instead of riding his pod racer to school, he now rides on his horse, Shadowfax. Currently we believe “Mr. Aragorn (Rightful Heir to the Throne of Gondor)” is somewhere in the Rocky Mountains with a group of freshman searching for the Mines of Moria in order to gain quick passage to Rivendell…………………………………… ………………………………………………… ……………………………………………. They still may not pass. Or Middlemist’s class for that matter.

Administration grade delay causes student relief By Joe Pistorius ’14 Last week, Mr. Tony Oldani professed the reasons grades had been pushed so far back. Firstly, according to Mr. John Damaso ’97, “Grading Scantrons, although it may seem easy, is much more complicated than everyone thinks. Even though it only takes me a few minutes, it can take other teacher’s many weeks.” Many should not and will not continue to question the embodiment of wisdom that is Damaso. Seniors and, in some ex-

ceedingly rare cases, very lazy juniors, believe that this is just a ploy to make students keep doing work just in case they might have bombed finals and are now forced to actually study; something that is foreign to them.

received on his history final said “You know, I’m fine with grades taking their time, it gives me more time to not be grounded.” Gup’s inevitable eventually came. With a 14.3% on his AP U.S. History final, he was politely asked to leave Brophy (explaining why no one has Many are relieved that the grade heard of him). According to his release delay postpones the inevishrink, he is now currently groundtable: an inevitable they don’t want ed and facing an even worse fate, to face. Taryn Gup, a Brophy stu- attending St. Mary’s. dent, was afraid to see what he

New Economics class to teach Vemma selling techniques

Above: Student is so stressed out by grades, he resorts to taking Photobooth photos

Extended Fridays cause students to find outlets of entertainment Matt Burleson ’16

By Chase Hart ’14 After an adrenalin filled three-hour meeting, the Brophy Social Studies Department has given the go ahead on a new specialized economics class called “Vemma in Action”.

based off the wellrespected pyramid scheme model. Students make money by signing up other students to buy Vemma, once those people (henchmen) sign up recruit others, more money goes to the top of The pitch for this class the of the “Great Giza” was put together by cur- itself. Many Vemma rent seniors with the vendors have no idea slogan “Who needs to what they are selling learn this boring busi(and don’t care), focusness stuff when I’m ing only on getting making 200 bucks a new recruits. month?” Vemma is a company that borrows As of now there are four ideas of some of Amerimajor pyramid ca’s best financial virtu- “families” run by sepaosos, including Charles rate “bosses” that conPonzi, Bernie Madoff, trol a majority of Vemand even Chef Michael ma selling students. A himself. Straight out of throwback to the Mafia Egypt, the Vemma busi- days, the Pyramid Bossness model is largely es are secret and capi-

talistic, each controlling different Brophy buildings as territories, although Brophy Hall remains a major battle ground as students try to sign up the administration. Mr. Matt Williams ‘07 volunteered to lead this new class. Mr. Williams spent his summer months developing a successful mind control technique. His AP Psychology students are now left wondering why they all have several hundred cans of Verve energy drinks stockpiled in their kitchens and no money.

Above: This graph displays the high level of intellectual competence of Brophy students. The great benefits of having an extended Friday cannot be overlooked

Printed on recycled Roundups

“Murph-dog” and the Red-pants disease (1D Fever) By Kapil Kanagal ’13 Though Brophy has been hit hard by the flu this season, it has been even more devastated by the current epidemic infecting students of all ages. The Red-Pants Disease has been going around as more and more students now find themselves wearing red-colored pants. While many students see this disease as harmless, few people have seen its most distressing case (cue “Jaws” music).

red pants have caused him to grow an insatiable admiration for One Direction member Zayn. Ms. Kelly Guffey (KG$) reported seeing Murph-dog in his red pants and classified the experience as “horrifying yet the most incredibly attractive outfit ever witnessed by man, very European.” However, she would further explain that Murph-dog’s condition and vigor are rapidly failing. Dr. Noah Lewkowitz explained that Murphy’s constant hiccupping in various Faculty member Mr. Neil Murphy ’96 music keys shows signs that the disease is thought to be patient number zero for and love for boy bands members have this current outbreak. Before his arrival metastasized. on the Brophy campus, few students were seen wearing colorful pants. How- Unfortunately, Mr. Murphy has alever, Mr. Murphy brought this epiready passed on this deadly disease to demic with him after his first few weeks countless students, who are at severe at Brophy, by wearing red-colored risk to succumb to the same side-effects. slacks. Before Murph-dog was infected, Some teachers have formed a movement he was like any other tween; His tight to quarantine and prevent the disease,

but it is unfortunately not gaining much support. Classy Gentleman Extraordinaire Dr. Samuel Ewing explained, “Those things are absolutely hideous. I mean look at what it did to Murphy.” Previously writing for Teen Vogue, Doc has always been fashionably savvy. Mr. Patrick Kolb is said to be heading up a research group to find a cure for the vicious disease. With blindly researching, they hope to come up with something before March. Students seeking to stay healthy are advised to stay away from those with Red-Pants Disease, especially Mr. Murphy. Only time will tell if this epidemic is ephemeral or a long-term pathogen that will decimate the fashion sense and classiness of hundreds. According to the night staff, One Direction tracks are quietly playing from inside Murphy’s

Science Department alters weather for own benefit By Alex Khan ’13 At a recent press conference, Dr. Patrick Kolb, specialist in weather machines and natural disasters for the Higgins administration, announced that the recent weather changes, despite a popular belief of students, were in fact not due to global warming. Continuing, he stated, “The science department, in association with the Moore and Gore Institute of Global Cooling, created a machine to stop global warming… unfortunately, it failed.” Recently released documents show that that the weather machine, equipped with artificial intelligence, is “super picky about the weather and only wants what it wants.” According to inside sources, the machine that was designed with the purpose of combatting global warming has transformed into a conscious being and to the shock and horror of many, is actively determining the weather. Dr. Kolb and the rest of the weather machine dream team, known as the “Fab Five Celsius”, have turned to the religious studies department for help. Monseigneur James Grindey, in an interview, said, “The religious studies department was brought in to help change the weather machine’s mind. We are going to try to make it a machine for others. That’s the main goal.” According to inside sources, Mr. Broyles will be teaching the machine about the allegory of the cave, but in the machine’s case, the allegory of the Tech Room. The religious studies department is also sending the machine on a “breakaway” where it will be making the air cold in parts of Phoenix with broken air conditioning systems. It will later go on Kairos at Machineresa. Before the initial press conference, many in the Brophy community believed that someone inside Brophy had been trying to control the weather.

Below: The machine has caused snow to fall in Phoenix. This is the ninth time of snowfall since 1889.

Some even pointed fingers at Dr. Samuel Ewing, saying that he wanted to keep the weather cold so that he could continue to wear fashionable sport coats for a longer period of time than the usual Phoenix winter fashion season permits. After further examination, everyone realized that the machine dilemma has essentially distracted them from the important issue: global warming.

“Brophy Boy” problems By Chase Bishov ’14

Above: Notice how red the pants are. The overallytomato pants have a mesmerizing effect on style and on the mind.

A word from the Editors By Editors of The Wrangler Issue 22

“Hear in the Rangler; wi having many pride about bee in the bestest paper at Broffie. This satyr could of bean unfunny, butt weather its the ritors ore the threats of being hunged, we dew have an affect on the funny bones’ of everywon. We are excepted as the most humorous. Eye know wut your thinking two, how could a group of mans have past everyone and bee that much funiest then thumb. Their is ellusions to much funny things inn the BCD community. The Rangler also payes attention to the d-tails of issuses. How never; if eye have too ‘posse wut make the Rangler the best, its those who’s job its to edit. There great attenshon to the grammer sits this paper a part.”

1. Being too good looking (angry flow, toned physique, etc.) 2. When Michael’s prime rib is overcooked 3. Having to go to an inconvenient amount of state championship games 4. Being called a “Brophy Boy” (tone included)

“Brophy Boy” problems meme By Chase Bishov ’14

5. Having to decide between a BMW or a Mercedes after passing the permit test 6. Listening to someone say Romney isn't the answer 7. Xavier Girls’ Group Photos at Parties 8. Being able to express one’s masculinity openly without consequences 9. Others using the wrong form of “you are” in social media outlets 10. When Chief Keef busts one of your subs while cruising with your boys 11. Not knowing what Frat to join at U of A 12. Not being able to hear a class lecture and blaming it on your oversized traps 13. Not being on the U.S. National Fencing team 212. Running out of Creatine

Editors Chase Bishov ’14 Seth Harris ’14 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96

The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested?

The Red Army will always and forever be the greatest group of shirtless men, raving lunatics, passionate supporters, funny dancers, and questionably talented singers. Opponents will always tremble at the mere sound of the army’s echoing roar. The rollercoaster will always continually energize the crowd. Only the voice of Brophy authorities calm the ravage beast. The Red Army will “Don’t Stop Believing.”

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“If this was issue was a pig, we would enjoy its bacon.”- Rolling Stone “These sure are comfortable jeans.”- Kai, the Surfer

The Wrangler, No. 22  

The satire newspaper by students of Brophy College Preparatory in Phoenix, AZ, USA.