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R fo ecip r I ie nv nt es of tig th at e P iv e R uli et tze or r P tin ri g z

The Wrangler February 2010 Edition Roman Numeral Two

News in Briefs 

Brophy to build Greater Hall

Post-Southwest Youthfest counseling still available

Varsity Shop opens second store at Manresa

Faculty team wins Legendary Scavenger Hunt

Summit approaching: Prepare for a Human Dignity bombshell

Next year‟s Hoopcoming to feature classical piano lounge as the fourth stage

Thousands disappointed as “epic” storm fails to bring power outage

You just read this sentence

Confused students wonder what rows of metal cabinets by the vending machines are

Seniors in the mall starting to do whatever they want You won‟t see Mr. Tom Danforth ’78 misusing the handicapped parking spaces at Brophy anymore. Not with the modifications he and childhood friend Xzibit “dropped” on to his pearlwhite 2008 Hummer H3.

Real. Comfortable. News.

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‘Brophy Bros,’ MTV’s New Series, Coming to Brophy By Kyle Ph. Underseth „10 After three consecutive seasons of its several award-winning high school drama series, cable television channel MTV begins production of its newest program, “Brophy Bros,” right here on Brophy‟s campus.

do anything related to Brophy‟s Jesuit mission while the show is being filmed, Mr. Bob Ryan remains open to the idea, if for no other reason than to restore his approval rating. “We know the reality of reality television shows,” Ryan said.

Steps have been taken to substantiate MTV‟s plans. The series‟ motto, “All Boys, All Drama, All the Time,” has recently been praised by many in Hollywood, including Brophy alumnus Travis Pastrana ’99.

“We do not have a „zero tolerance‟ policy for them here. In fact, we understand because it is reality. And we know reality is real. And you are all real and exist in reality. Now go fly, children.”

Since August, executive producer George Lucas has taken multiple trips to Brophy to find a group of good-looking, hardworking, dramatic boys who are willing to allow a number of hounding cinematographers to film them every second of the day.

Although plans have yet to be officially announced, there are early indications of the show‟s projected popularity.

Although student names cannot be released due to privacy, Lucas has confirmed that the show will “obviously” Mr. Nelson was an obvious and easy choice for involve faculty member Mr. Michael MTV’s new series. Nelson ’96.

The inclusion of the word “bro” in the program‟s name has generated commercial interest: Bottled-sugar manufacturers RockStar and Monster have each shown great desire to actively support the series, as well as donate thousands of their energy drinks to ensure their product is featured in every scene. Apparel company TapouT has reportedly contacted series producers as well.

Despite the fact that the involved students will not have any privacy or time to

Lucas assured reporters that the series would indeed be a “bronanza.”

Danforth Indulges, Unashamedly Modifies His Hummer By Keith Bender ‟11

“He got pretty into it,” said that he‟ll now be “the main Sebastian Villa ’11. attraction at [Scottsdale night club] Myst and “I‟ve never seen that guy [international coffee shop happier,” he added. chain] Dunkin‟ Donuts. Danforth admitted that he has wanted to have his Hummer lifted, add neon, bigger rims and a quadruple hemi engine for quite some time but was only now realizing the dream.

Students left his AP English III class in amazement on the Monday that the second semester began, reporting that Danforth had taken an entire class period to “Time for me to step up my brag about the “sick mods” game,” he announced. he had made to his vehicle over the break. “And besides, I had to wait for all the sustainability “It was inedible! He didn‟t heat from last year‟s sumeven mention how bad we mit to die down.” did at interrogating vocab into our final exam essays,” While monitoring the car said a student who spoke with a surveillance system under the condition of ano- synced to his tablet, Dannymity. forth added the promise

“I don‟t want to park in the handicap spot anymore, even though it‟s super convenient,” said Danforth, who now parks across three spaces in a little-used area of the southwest lot. “I just can‟t risk having somebody with a real disability dent Dirty D‟s H3 as they unload their motorized wheelchair or something.”

Mr. Danforth has been visibly revitalized by the addition of 22-inch rims, Bilstein shocks, an Alpine stereo system, and a StreetGlow neon kit to his Hummer.

“And besides, I had to wait for all the sustainability heat from last year’s summit to die down.” - Mr. Tom Danforth ’78

Pope Visits Brophy, Has Kaiser Roll Eaten By Dogs By Henry Wilky ‟11 Pope Benedict XVI, 265th pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, made a surprise visit last month to the only Jesuit high school in Arizona.

and the Pope was crushed. Walking by the Great Hall in search of food to fill his “don‟t-leave-room-for-Jesus” stomach, the Pope overheard a political lecture given by Mr. Stephan Johnson. Sources say “I‟m just here to make sure everything is the Pope fainted immediately. in ship-shape,” said the Bishop of Rome. When he awoke, he was reported to have “Oh, and to revitalize pre-Vatican II spotted a dollar on the ground. Unaware Church teachings, but nothing too major.” of the fast-approaching seniors, the Pope was hit harder than an atheist during the Fr. Eddie Reese, SJ gave the Pope a Inquisition. The seniors were taken into complimentary tour of campus and es- custody by the Vatican Guard and haven‟t corted him throughout the day. been seen since. During lunch the Sovereign of the State of Vatican City was enjoying a Kaiser roll, when Fr. Reese took standard lunch protocol letting his dogs out in the Mall. The Pontiff is greeted heartily by the Brophy presi- Needless to say, the Kaiser was eaten, dent, but things do not stay amicable for long.

However, before the pontiff could escape, Coach Gary Galante spotted “poor posture” in the Pope and insisted that he complete a Functional Movement Screening. After receiving a score of “2” and subsequently criticizing Coach Galante’s ability to spot true physical prowess, the Pope entered his awaiting “Popo-Copter” and took to the skies yelling, “May God have mercy on your souls!”

After having spent a day conversing with The Pope attempted to leave immediately the Pope about transportation and secuafter he was treated by Mr. White for a rity, Fr. Reese is “seriously considering” mild concussion and a complementary upgrading his own priestwagon. Bod Pod exam.

Printed on recycled Roundups


Welcome to the Other Side

1920’s Slide Rule for sale

Used by Mr. Tom Reithmann in his youth at PS108 in New York. Will trade for 1980 or newer Casio calculator. Contact Mr. Reithmann for details.

Job! Job! Job! Mr. Broyles is searching for a personal scribe to write down his memoirs as he recites them aloud. Pay is modest. Contact Mr. Broyles in the OFJ for more information.

Coach Fuller, PE Class Finally Meet Jessica Alba By Mack Regan ‟12 It was reported yesterday to The Wrangler that a PE Class running at the beach has finally met Jessica Alba.

Thomas Johnston ’13 said that when his class walked onto the sidewalk paralleling Central Avenue, they spotted the actress sitting in the sun, soaking up According to outside sources, Mr. some rays. Tony Fuller has been claiming that celebrities such as Jessica “We asked this girl if she was Alba, Beyoncé Knowles, and Jes- Jessica Alba. But it‟s like, „Why sica Simpson had been invited to would be Jessica Alba be at such join the PE classes at “the beach” a tourist-popular beach‟?” said for several years now. Jeremy Mills ’13.

“The boys were really excited,” said Mr. Fuller, who seemed flustered himself when asked about the occasion. “All of the boys ran that day and had record-breaking times.”

An anonymous source reported seeing Mr. Fuller putting on some of his trademark dancing moves for the celebrity as the class ran the beach. Fuller deThe PE class was sincerely prom- Alba proceeded to confirm her nied all allegations of his dancised that Jessica Alba would be identity as Mr. Fuller walked ing for Jessica Alba. waiting patiently at “the beach.” up in his purple tracksuit.

Elevator Passes to Be Sold For Sports Bopp Vows to Crack Down on Self Campus Amenities Fund By Mack Regan ‟12

By Michael Saba ‟11 “Elevator passes $10.” No, you are not dreaming. Many students of have noticed, the previous headline was announced in the daily bulletin a few weeks ago. In most schools, fraudulent elevator passes are sold to unsuspecting freshmen students. However, the daily bulletin announcement that stated “Elevator passes $10 on sale NOW!!!” was not recalled and was later verified by our own administration. The reason for the sale of these passes was unclear at first. Upon investigation, it was revealed by a teacher who wishes to remain anonymous that “the economy hit the progress of the sports campus hard, and if Brophy wants it finished and stocked with all the amenities of a great sports campus, we need another way to make money.” By “amenities” it was later learned, the teacher was referring to a Jacuzzi, a hot dog stand, and a dry sauna. Regrettably, it appears that these specific facilities will only be available to Brophy administration.

In a recent staff meeting, Dean of Students Mr. James Bopp made a solemn pledge Tuesday to combat rampant tomfoolery of Brophy Dean of Students Mr. Jim Bopp.

Where are they now? 2006 Tecra M4 Tablets By Tucker Ring ‟11

“Let me be clear: I will not rest until I bring an end to my shenanigans and backroom deal-making,” said Bopp, later adding that he will personally lead an investigation into allegations that security guard John Buchanan is running Brophy “under the table.” “The blind eye that I continue to turn to non-justified JUG giving will no longer be tolerated, and I will do everything in my power to finally bring myself to justice.”

Inside Access to the Summit on Human Dignity: What the Daily Bulletin May or May Not Tell You By Anil Prasad ‟10 The Summit is back with a great line-up of things that have something to do with money! But as the event approaches, there is one question on the lips of every student who is not a freshman: Where is Eustace Conway?

The Summit is scheduled to commence with a rousing keynote address to be delivered by somebody with “major street cred”, according to Summit Student Planning Committee member Greg Lopus ’12.

On Wednesday, the Tech Theatre crew will showcase their newest Summitrelated creation: a pirate ship that will float on the canal to symbolize the devastating effect that pirates have had on the global economy.

Of course, Eustace Conway is a wellknown global economist; however, he is a very difficult man to find in the Year of the Tiger, so a brand new line-up has been announced in his stead!

General Motors officials headline an action-packed Tuesday, which also features an “Unhappy Hour” at Michaels, where prices will increase without bound on the interval [0, ∞].

Thursday‟s film festival will be sponsored by Mr. Broyles, starring Mr. Broyles as Also, Grammy-nominated singer/ Mr. Broyles in “Mr. Broyles Solves songwriter Righteous B will be there to Globalization and the Economy,” a feature help students pronounce “Catholic.” film written and directed by Mr. Broyles.

Bring This Coupon (and newspaper) to Your Nearest Recycling Bin AND Sustainable Dave Will Smile Upon You

Bro code

NO CASH VALUE

Letters to The Editor

Ed: No, I win. Editors Keith Bender ‟11 Henry Wilky ‟11 Photography Editor Michael Notestine ‟11 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ‟97 Mr. Steve Smith ‟96 Public Relations Director Eldrick “Tiger” Woods

Friday will end on a lighter note, as money will rain down from the skies and every world problem will cease to exist.

The InterBROATOR By Peter Ossowski ‟11

By doing so, you give Mr. Sustainable E. Dave the right to put this paper to any or all of the following uses: Toilet paper for his pet Styrofoam-eating lizard, material for Sustainable Dave LTD clothing, warmth, or anniversary gifts for his wife.

Dear The Editor, I bet if I wrote you a letter you wouldn‟t even publish it. So I‟m not going to write you a letter. I win. Sincerely, Not even going to sign my name.

Lopus indicated that the timeless classic, “The Mission,” will be incorporated into the day‟s events somehow.

Hey, You were wrong about the weather for November. You said it was “partly cloudy with a chance of bears.” It was definitely mostly cloudy all month long. Stop printing lies. Always yours, Bert Winslow ‟12

Interested in contributing? Email: wrangler@brophybroncos.org

A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2010

. I want the truth! Conversations with our world’s inhabi- You can't handle the truth! Brah, we tants live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by Please state your name, age, occududes with 32 oz. Monsters. Who's pation, and favorite snack food (for gonna do it? You? I have a greater rethe ladies)? sponsibility than you can possibly Name: Broseph Sickinowski fathom. You don't want the truth. BeAge: 18 Brah! cause deep down, in places you don't Occupation: Bro? C‟mon bro, I just hit talk about at parties, you want me on up the dunes that wall. You need me on that wall Snack: umm I would say fresh kanom with my energy drank. krok and straight-up Cayenne peppers. We use words like Dude, Bro, and chill...we use these words as the backWhat is your favorite colour? bone to a life spent defending something. You use 'em as a punchline. I My favorite colour would have to be green. have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who You’re lying to me, brah. rises and sleeps without a Monster, How would you know? then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way, Bro. Bro, I looked in the Encybropedia yesterday and it said that’s imposOtherwise, I suggest you pick up an sible. Tell me the truth. energy drink and stand guard. Either You want answers, Bro? way, I don't give a darn what you think you're entitled to! I think I'm entitled to them. You want answers? So your favorite colour is red then? [End transmission]. Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.

The Wrangler, Edition 2 (Feb 2010)  

The satire newspaper of Brophy College Preparatory, Phoenix, AZ, USA

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