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The Wrangler March 2012 Edition Roman Numeral Fifteen

News in Briefs 

Poetry Out Loud dismissed as “unoriginal”

Mr. Danforth to enter GOP nomination race

“Freeman Arch” renamed “Morgan Freeman Arch”

Act of Valor, Project X passed over for Summit Film Festival

Student sends test answers to friend, accidentally uses SnapChat Senior class’s flight delayed, still two months of school

Wrangler tops Roundup in Myspace friends

Seniors too busy playing Skyrim to come up with shenanigans

President’s Office acquires milestone 100th dog



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Real. Comfortable. News.

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Science Fair project investigates use of poster-board and construction paper

pi on s

By Jack Welty ’12 Brophy’s annual Science Fair took place this past month, and the sophomore class swept the top positions in a shocking upset that left campus buzzing. The traditionally laid-back exhibition of scientific talent was “rocked” by something the Science Department is calling a revolution in modern science. The project garnering so much attention was a tri-fold display from sophomore Albert E. Stein ’14. Albert is currently enrolled in Honors Chemistry, but his project had nothing to do with the Periodic Table or super saturated solutions. Albert’s groundbreaking work was a social experiment and it has been declared a tremendous success by all in attendance.

present are simply outstanding,” remarked Ms. Cheryl Lenox. “In all my years as a teacher here at Brophy, I have never seen a student with such inquisitiveness, brilliance, and sheer desire not to do any work, and I think it’s very commendable.”

Science Fair Checklist Win next year’s prize with these items!

□ At least 3 colors of construction paper

Other students around campus were impressed and disappointed at the same time.

□ Bar graphs with identical pie charts right next to them

“I just can’t believe I never thought of it myself,” remarked Slack Jackson ’12. “I mean, I’m a second semester senior, not actually doing the project is pretty much my job.”

□ Laptop playing irrelevant Mythbusters clip

Stein’s classmates and fellow competitors had less praise for the budding scientist.

Al Stein’s project, “An Exploration of Explorations,” blew away Wrangler editors and physics teachers alike. He managed to take home the gold despite not doing any actual science. His breathtaking display consisted simply of meaningless graphs, colored construction paper, and paragraphs full of scientific buzzwords.

“I built a bio-reactor out of water bottles to test the oil-producing efficiency of desert algae,” explained another sophomore, who wished to remain anonymous. “The fact that I got beat by some fancy Excel graphs and flashy WordArt is simply outrageous,” Despite the mixed reviews, Albert has remained positive about his project. He will now be moving on to the Arizona state sci“The hypotheses, data collection, and synergy ence fair and we asked him if he plans to

□ Pictures of you and your partner

in lab coats and goggles make any changes for the next level of competition. “I mean, I definitely don’t plan on putting a lot of work into it, but I might pull out my computer and just show a Youtube video of fireworks or something,” said Albert Stein. “I think Governor Brewer would definitely go for some pictures of cats.”

Middlemist Super PAC vying for deanship By Austin Tymins ’13

Middlemist’s Super PAC Logo. Photo Illustration by Jack Welty ’12

It has been difficult in recent months to separate Super PAC comedy from reality, and that trend is also alive at Brophy. Super PACs were created by a Supreme Court decision that allowed unlimited and nearly untraceable fundraising for political organizations. Unfortunately, Brophy has not been spared from the political mud-slinging that so often accompanies Super PACs.

donor list, but it was ultimately required by federal law, which “may or may not apply on Endor,” said Middlemist. The list revealed he had received $20 from the accounting office (for a new stylus), a $10 Culver’s gift card from Mr. Grindey, one thousand dollars and a case of Snickers from Mr. Daggett, and a year-long front of the line pass from Mr. Buchanan.

Mr. Middlemist ’87 plans to take advantage of this ruling through his newly minted “Citizens for Restoring the Galactic Empire PAC,” which works towards winning the deanship election in May by any means necessary. Dean Higgins is the target of most of the PAC’s attack ads which are being orchestrated by master political strategist Boston Kimmons ’13.

The Super PAC has been spending its funds on an all -out ad campaign against the well-entrenched incumbent. Restoring the Galactic Empire PAC and the Daily Bulletin have reached an advertising agreement, and a billboard deal is being negotiated for the Graham Plaza.

“I don’t see why this is such a big deal,” said a disil“Boston and I are very close friends. In fact, we talk lusioned sophomore. “Maybe instead of attacking on the phone nearly every night. But only about non- each other through politics they could just battle it Super PAC things of course,” said Mr. Middlemist out on light saber day?” with a wink. As expected, Mr. Middlemist immediately accepted Middlemist didn’t want to divulge the names on his the challenge and began preparing for May 4th.

Economy not any better after debate in Ms. Guffey's Econ class By Peter Scobas ’12 From the moment she began teaching her wildly inauspicious and downright dogmatic Period 5 AP Economics class, Brophy teacher Ms. Guffey has been “completely captivated by their pitiful rhetoric and constant use of logical fallacies,” Guffey told Wrangler reporter, Alan Greenspan ’14. “The classroom debates are brilliant,” explained Guffey, who wakes up every morning questioning what she must have done to deserve the punishment of having to teach students who have absolutely no grasp of the economy, or even reality, for that matter. “From their irrational arguments of invading China, to their duly incoherent statements about supply side economics, the class brings forth lackluster ideas that wholly show their complete lack of any reasonable solutions to the economic recession. It’s mesmerizing to just stop and listen,” beamed Guffey, “I’m so lucky to be able to teach this amaz-

ing group of spoiled, self-centered scholars.” As reported by Wrangler insiders close to the group, one student was “fairly confident” that a recent heated debate in class will “without a doubt” lead to economic stability, even though the already staggering national debt increased by $160 million during the 50-minute quarrel last Wednesday. “I was in utter euphoria hearing the students continually grow more bigoted as they bickered about how fix the income gap between the rich and poor,” recalled Guffey, with a proud look of delight on her face. According to an unnamed source, the class erupted into chants of “Outerspace! Outerspace!” followed by fits of self-pitying laughter at the conclusion of the Mock-Congress, even though the wealth gap continues to grow at an alarming rate.

Ms. Guffey looks on in shock as a student explains his solution to the Greek debt crisis.

Printed on recycled Roundups

Accreditors give Brophy “F” By Kyle Chalmers ’13 In a 734-page report last week, the accreditation team from the Western Catholic Educational Association delivered its decision on Brophy’s status as an educational institution of moderate learning: Failing.

Next, the accreditors had the misfortune of experiencing a senior shenanigan called, “Trip the Accreditors Day.” When the accreditors uncovered that student Pran King ’12 was the main culprit of this prank, the team reported him to the dean. They were shocked to find out the only disciplinary action given to him was “knucks” and a blessing from Harry “Dutch” Olivier S.J.

The report explained why they believe Brophy should be shut down and its community should all be locked in solitary confinement.

The accreditors were also shocked by the quality of classes found at Brophy. For example, when they sat down in Mr. Tom Danforth ’78’s Intro to Acting/ Sanskrit class, they reported that he told all of his students they were wrong and nobody loved them.

The first issue the team noted in their report was when Dr. Samuel Ewing screeched to a stop, just inches from educators, in his neon green 1843 Lexus Model T. They stated that Ewing proceeded to tease them about their lack of fashion and general un-classiness. Ewing took particular issue with Sister Maria, as she made the cardinal sin of wearing a plaid beret with striped pants. The accreditors also stated in their report that Mr. Timothy Broyles tried to kidnap them and take them to El Salvador. He invited the group in for tea and biscuits at break one day, and once they were all in his room, he proceeded to hand them all airline tickets to El Salvador. When later asked about why he did this, Broyles merely said, “All of Brophy is in solidarity with El Salvador, so they need to accredit the country too!”

Throughout the report, the accreditors mentioned that Mr. Pete Burr ’77 creepily followed their every move and caught every moment of their visit on film. The clips were then set to techno music and uploaded to Youtube. As a final statement of disapproval, accreditation spokeswoman Sister Maria said, “Nothing good goes on here. Everybody is evil. If you have ever seen the movie The Book of Eli, you know what I’m talking about. It feels like the apocalypse every day.”

The Wrangler’s completely legitimate page not It is unknown whether the WCEA will follow-through pilfered from an accreditor’s clipboard. Photo on their promise to close the school, but it has been illustration by Alec Knappenberger ’13 rumored that Brophy will be turned into a public school.

Mr. Nelson ’96 to be keynote speaker at next OPEC meeting By Alex Khan ’13 Last year, beloved Brophy teacher Mike Nelson moved to Dubai to “teach” at an international school. Our sources have confirmed that upon arrival, Mr. Nelson proceeded to start drilling wells in his newly inherited oil fields just outside of the city of Dubai.

other to the death— 600 enter, 300 survive— that’s how we choose who gets in.”

Mr. Nelson’s new-found wealth and vast quantities of oil attracted attention, and Mike “Petrol” Nelson was asked to be the keynote speaker at OPEC’s next meeting.

Another member said, “Mr. Nelson has brought many new clubs to OPEC. He recently bought FIFA and every day at lunch we pick teams and tell them how to play each other.”

He was last seen selling passes to the “Pool on the OPEC roof” to prospective members after this talk.

One prominent oil sheik said, “I can’t wait until When asked for a comment, Mr. Nelson said, “I he announces his hot album of the week. That’s love being part of OPEC, and I believe that Nelthe only reason I come to these meetings anyson Oil will be a big name in years to come. It ways.” will also be long lasting. In fact, I am grooming The hot album of the week was one of the first my son Exxon to take over the company.”

Mr. Nelson speaking at last month’s meeting. Photo Illustration by Andrew Bender ’13

things that Mr. Nelson brought to OPEC upon his induction. He also created a new set of rules According to insiders, despite his monotone for prospective members. Included is a rule that voice, Mr. Nelson’s speech should be riveting. says, “All prospective members must fight each

Captio n Conte st Lead Editors: Sean Cahill ’12 Jack Welty ’12 Lackeys to the Editors: Rohan Andresen ’12 Henry Miller ’12 Kyle Padden ’12 Peter Scobas ’12 Steven Soto ’13 Austin Tymins ’13

Aeronautics Correspondent: Jet Man Moderators: Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested? A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2012

Where does that ladder lead to? What’s happening on the roof of the gym? Kindly send your caption to Mr. Damaso on the back of the most recent issue of The Roundup. Include $10 for early consideration. Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.

The Wrangler, No. 15  

The 15th issue of The Wrangler, a satirical newspaper at Brophy College Prep in Phoenix, AZ, USA.

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