The attempt to grab at something, to cling to Northern Michigan. Lacking in diversity, this someone, to connect, is perhaps indelible. To be is where I teach. My students are white. The stared at is nothing new, but in these circumstances occasional African American, Pakistani, or Asian the panic and chaos in my chest is restless and student will sit in my class. But this, however, is proceeds to take over my thoughts. 110 students occasional. To gain respect from students that mean 220 eyes. 110 brains, 110 hearts…what are disrespect me from first look is problematic. They they thinking? What do they judge and in turn I judge. They think about me? I am who may be ignorant, but I am Seeing a student refer I am, but perhaps this isn’t Trans. The bliss of ignorance enough, perhaps it isn’t right. to me as a dyke in may be preferable to being a The feeling of being “wrong” victim of their ignorance. her homework makes permeates my every move. Lee Gardner is an adjunct me wonder. Hearing Things don’t get better as lecturer for the English a student refer to a you get older, they just get Department at Central different. The silly things I Michigan University in Mount character in a movie as once cared about. The girls Pleasant, MI. He received his a fag makes me wonder. B.A. in English from Michigan that now mean nothing but a sore spot. The girls with their The stares make me State University and his “first times” are now with M. A. in English Language wonder. It is true that I husbands and babies. They and Literature from Central mean nothing, they mean Michigan University. Lee may not get beaten on nothing. Until I see them, recently began his F to M the way to my car, but think about them, remember transition in June of 2012. them. Then they mean it doesn’t mean I don’t something.
fear it.
They say that this gets better generation after generation. Perhaps this is true. Seeing a student refer to me as a dyke in her homework makes me wonder. Hearing a student refer to a character in a movie as a fag makes me wonder. The stares make me wonder. It is true that I may not get beaten on the way to my car, but it doesn’t mean I don’t fear it. The physical beating may be preferable. It is after all tangible, something I can feel with my body, not just my head, my heart. A new semester means new students, new looks, new stares, new questions.
[LQ]
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Needing to be liked, the importance of this is overwhelming. To be able to shrug off dislike would be a blessing, but for now I can only assume it is because I am Trans. They may not like me because I am mean, or I grade hard, or I am boring. However, regardless of the reason, to me it is because I am trans. Trans. Trans. Trans. What defines me, to me, must define me, to them.