COMMENT
FAMILY MATTERS
7
COMMENT The paradox of modern times
When the going gets tough...
Is technology isolating us from our friends and family?
Some practical advice for ensuring long-term relationship success
W
R
e find ourselves suddenly in a new world, where communication is instant, and perhaps instantly gratifying. With the Internet, we never need be alone. Yet rarely is anything an unalloyed good. This is a technology that can bring out the worst in people, or stop those who need to make an effort to interact with others – something everyone needs to do for the sake of their mental health – from doing so. People who are shy and reticent in the real world log on and immerse themselves in chat to vent their frustration. They assume new identities and a new life, sitting in front of their computer for hours at a stretch. This can cause marital problems and an increased likelihood of divorce. Internet surfing, as most of us know by now, can also become an addiction. Hours and hours are spent online, at a remove from the real world, whether gaming or chatting. So what’s wrong with this? Surely online we can communicate with real people, find out what’s going on in the world, find friends who share unusual hobbies, make arrangements to meet in real life? All this is true. The worry about the Internet, as with other forms of technology, is that there are those who don’t use it wisely, those who use it as an alternative to human interaction rather than a way to live life more fully. Once the telephone appeared, it got easier to communicate by voice rather than face-to-face. Now we can ‘talk’ to our heart’s content without ever seeing another human being (on the screen doesn’t count). This is incredibly convenient for most of us, but leads to a social cul-de-sac for some. So are people less outgoing and sociable than they used to be? Even movies and concerts can be
downloaded on demand, reducing the need to go out. In fact, you can even work from home without showing your face in an office. Everything you need to buy can be ordered online or by telephone. Even degrees can be obtained sitting at home. There’s no need to attend lectures and classes in universities. There’s no need to stay in a college dormitory with new friends. The computer has replaced the TV as the incubator of couch potatoes, with people – most problematically children – spending hours in darkened rooms inside of going out and getting exercise. Let’s hope the advent of Wii and other full-body gaming consoles at least leads to recluses in better shape! Some years back, there was this man who named himself dotcomguy. He stayed inside a room for an entire month with just a computer and a broadband connection. Everything he needed or wanted to do came to him through the Internet. Publicity and encouragement were given to him as if he were doing a great job. Was he a pioneer or a harbinger of a worrying future? We are social animals, and we need the company of others for happiness. Modern technology is a boon in many ways, but is this form of progress undermining our potential for happiness? Are we creating hermits? There may be a day, sooner than we think, when no one needs to leave their home. Even marriages are already being webcast, so that relatives can celebrate the union online without needing to physically make the journey to the wedding. What more can they think of? Enjoy the Internet. Marvel at what man has created. But don’t forget to go outside and make a new friend in the real world from time to time. §
their head at a later date. Keeping score in a relationship never works.
elationships with others are vital to us all. Relationships with parents, siblings, friends and significant others can bring joy and added significance to our lives. It’s often through intimate relationships that our deepest needs are met. It’s thus no wonder that we find ourselves preoccupied when we fear the loss of such relationships.
• Be responsible. If you’ve been rude to your partner, own up to it and try to do things differently next time. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, make an effort to create a better relationship yourself rather than try to change your partner.
Whatever your age and experience, a close relationship brings new and demanding challenges. Being able to handle conflict and deal with differences is important in maintaining healthy relationships, and everyone needs assistance at some time to help them deal with problems or difficulties in a relationship.
• Approach your relationship as a learning experience. We’re attracted to a partner from whom we can learn, and sometimes the lesson is to let go of a relationship that no longer serves us. A truly healthy relationship will have two partners interested in learning and expanding a relationship so that it continues to improve.
All couples experience problems in one form or another – it’s part of sharing your life with another human being. The difference between a healthy relationship that works and one that doesn’t is how well couples deal with the challenges and problems they face in their life together.
• Appreciate yourself and your partner. In the midst of an argument, it can be difficult to find something to appreciate. Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, so that when you need to do it during a stressful conversation it’s be easier. One definition of appreciation is to be sensitively aware; tell your beloved that you love them, and that you don’t want to argue but to talk and make things better.
If you want to have a healthy relationship, follow these simple guidelines. • Don’t expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Too often, relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner for making them feel that way. Make yourself happy first, and then share it. • Forgive one another. Forgiveness means ending your anger or resentment. It takes patience, honesty and respect. When freely given in a relationship, forgiveness is powerful. • Don’t do anything for your partner with an expectation of reciprocation. Do things for them because you want to, and don’t hold your good deeds over
Research has shown that people in supportive, loving relationships are more likely to feel satisfied with their lives and less likely to have mental or physical problems or to do things that are bad for their health. People in supportive, loving relationships help each other practically as well as emotionally. Supportive partners share the good times and help each other through the tough ones. Talking and listening are probably the most important skills in a relationship. There’ll always be tensions and disagreements, but if you can communicate well, you can overcome almost any problem. §