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What is public education? Public education is the deliberate extension of childhood well beyond its natural bounds for the sole purpose of indoctrination. In agrarian societies, children begin working at age 5 or 6; during the Gilded Age it was not uncommon for 9 year olds to be working in coal mines. Solid, rewarding, self-actualizing work. Work that buoyed the soul, sated the body and drove the sinful, literate, democratic impulse out of the average citizen. Work that built a nation. Work that built skyscrapers, railroads, and power plants. Work that brought us from the boredom of pastoral living to the guttural joy of modern polluted cities. The average American factory worker at the turn of the 20th century was happier, less neurotic, less desirous of both the things he needn’t have and ideas he needn’t know about. In short, he was far better off not having been educated.

PUBLIC EDUCATION

The rabble rousers who first sought to implement public education hated children. They didn’t want them to be productive members of their households. They didn’t want their young, innocent souls to enjoy the satisfaction of work or to improve their stations in life. They didn’t want them to be washed in the blood of the lamb, pig, and cow of the slaughterhouse, not to mention sealed in the glorious scalding burns of a steel mill accident. An enfranchised, literate working class is a dangerously destabilizing force. The more people learn, the more they change their minds. The more sources people read, the more they question authority. No stable society can thus coexist with public education. Conversely, private education, which uses innovative approaches to keep children as ignorant of their rights as possible, provides a great service to the broader society by disallowing changes to existing social norms. Everyone knows his place, is content in it, and doesn’t seek to enter domains he neither understands nor belongs in.

& THE MARKET

Public education without the rigorous, standardized Game Theory-inspired approach being implemented by our illustrious mayor and school board leaves open the opportunity for creative, individualized instruction and the introduction of deviant concepts that have little to do with retail work. As most of the jobs our children will be working will involve operating cash registers or selling things over the phone, anything beyond the basic skills instilled in Common Core is an unacceptably poor investment. Individuality among the unwashed masses is against the will of the Market, the will of the state, and the happiness of the people. No one wants to be checked out at a Wal-Mart by an autodidact with a surly attitude. And how would the products you buy at Wal-Mart get on those shelves if every factory worker in China or truck driver in Alabama decided to become an impoverished artist to fulfill his or her calling in life, rather than a marginally less impoverished servant to the oligopoly? No, friends, we must drive the curiosity, artistry and critical thought out of our children so that we, the all-powerful consumers, can have a much more pleasant experience buying all the great products that our intellectual betters have to offer. Physical education? Who needs that when you’re sitting in a call center all day! Art and music? Lofty poppycock designed to drive


forth the licentious desires of our poor innocent wee ones. No, all we need is the three Rs, and only in small enough doses to create a docile, happy, medicated homogenized hive of good, pliant workers. Conversely, the overseers at the Chicago Public School Board deserve every one of the $5mil dollars they have requested for furniture. They are our betters. They have earned the right to live in the lap of luxury by clawing their way up through the Chicago political machine. Many of them began life assiduously mere graft gophers or vote fixers and assiduously strove to better themselves. Over their many years of service they have succeeded in conning the public out of billions of dollars, for which they must be glorified. These $5mil will be spent at international conglomerates for things such as $500 high-back executive chairs and mahogany desks, which in turn supports the local economies of Chinese penal colonies. Praise be! Who deserves this money more, American children with their fancy gee-gaws and whirligigs and electronic gizmos, who haven’t worked a day in their lives, or Chinese children who are working 70 hour weeks to praise the glorious, life-affirming power of capitalism? Private, for-profit education also inculcates that value most sacrosanct to a modern, dynamic society: namely, belief in the all-encompassing power of the free Market. The free Market has brought us such wondrous inventions as the iPad, the automobile, inflatable porpoises, blood minerals, microparticulate pollution and global climate change, all of which have bettered the world for humanity and employed resources in the most efficient and constructive manner. Large tracts of oil slag, mountainous piles of lead chat, and cities full of flammable water are but a few examples of the soteriological force that the Market exerts upon the earth. The Market is not of the world, the Market is a force above and within the world. You can feel the power of the Market as you operate your cash register for eight hours each day. Children who are not exposed to Market-based education are more likely to cooperate with each other, form unions, and vote to increase welfare to undeserving, lazy poor people. These are false, demonic ideas, inspired by idealistic young teachers, labor organizers and rabble-rousing authors. They must be purged through the soul-saving power of the Market. The Market is not merely the actions of billions of atomized individuals, but the invisible, driving force motivating them to act. The Market does not require you to worship it, nor does it require you to believe in it. But if you don’t pay alms to the Market, you will languish in a life of emptiness, devoid of the faith that uplifts, inspires and animates the human spirit. Because children have not been taught the magical, aweinspiring power of the Market from an impressionable age, many adults now do not understand how important having a solid, bedrock faith in the Market is. But it is never too late to repent and give your life over to the Market. But the Market needs not your support. The Market has significant short positions in Spanish, Greek, and Ukrainian sovereign bonds. Praise be to the Market! Share this pamphlet with 10 of your friends or one of your thumbnails may fray. Annoyingly, but not painfully. Still, better pass it along anyway.

HALLELUJAH!

Public Education & The Market  

From a sermon by Brother John of the First Church of the Almighty Market. Given on 5/31/14 at Furniture First! Students Second, a campaign t...

Public Education & The Market  

From a sermon by Brother John of the First Church of the Almighty Market. Given on 5/31/14 at Furniture First! Students Second, a campaign t...

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