I devoted 3 years of my life to a marriage that I knew would fail. Not that I was giving up, but I knew that I alone couldn't fix my marriage. Physical and emotional abuse was taking over my life and I feared what life would be like with time. My oldest daughter encountered everything, because I feared being alone. The abuse in itself said it all but the manipulation kept me there. I ended up doing things that in the end I am not very proud of. I cried many times and wondered “why” I had to go through all of this. I knew God loved me, but I wanted to give up, because of all the pain I was feeling. Sometimes I would just pray that He would just change my husband, but I realized a person has to want the change of God for them self. In the back of my mind all I truly had was the picture of this incredible family that I was creating for myself however; in reality, it wasn't incredible. I left my husband too many times and always went back; I feared being a single mother and I feared being hurt for trying to leave. The emotional abuse began when I was pregnant. I received constant put downs, insults, and was physically kicked out of my own home when I was investing my share in it. Friends and family saw my situation and tried to help, yet they couldn't quite give me the help that I truly needed. After my daughter's birth, things got worse. I was practically living the life as a single mother despite the fact I had a husband at home. He and I were constantly arguing, until one night it all got physical. I remember getting off work and my ex-husband called to let me know that he wasn't home. He exclaimed that he left our daughter at his mother's house and told his mom that he was going to the store. I called to confront him about not waiting until I got off work before leaving, so that my daughter could be in my care before he left. I decided to drive by the bar he frequented and to my surprise he was just arriving there with some friends. I got angry and called him and told him that I was picking up my daughter and leaving for good; I was sick of the lies, the drama, and what had developed into his usual routine. When I told him I was leaving for good, he got in his truck and chased me in my car. Finally, he caught up to me at a red light and he slammed into the back of my car. Scared, I drove off quickly and headed to his mother’s house. Once I arrived at his mother’s house, he arrived there shortly after. He then began arguing with me and told me that I wasn’t taking our daughter anywhere. Before I knew it, he lifted up his foot and kicked me in my private area. Stunned and completely overcome with great pain, I was speechless as his mother tried to intervene and put a stop to his rage. I began crying with great panic and left as fast as I could. Once I got my car on the road, I called the police for help. Unfortunately, I never filed charges because his mother begged me not to and against better judgment, I honored her request. Things appeared to return back to normal but, the following day I looked at how bruised I was from being kicked and I was totally devastated. I showed my exhusband my bruises in hopes that he would feel remorse and change but, he didn’t. On one occasion he got very upset with me and pinned me up against our
kitchen wall with a knife against my throat. Tears strolled down my face as I came to the horrifying realization of how awful my life was. Aside from all the tarrying things I faced, I never once told my mother; I was too ashamed. He’s held me down against my will many times with words of great threat. I truly wanted to give up and he encouraged me to. One day, he placed a bottle of pills in my hand and told me to take them all if I hated life so much. Hopeless and desperate for an escape, I took the pills. The following day I woke up feeling nauseous and I couldn't hear very well. I went to work like that yet I vomited the most of that day. I can’t help but think if I didn’t vomit if I would even be alive right now, to share this testimony. Finally, everything reached its peak when my child was hurt in the process. That’s when I knew God was showing me the pain so I could put an end to it all. I lost my daughter to DCFS while they did an investigation, which practically brought my life to an end. Pregnant at the time, I wanted to give up. I found a church in my new town that I would go to on Sundays and just pray my heart out. Asking the lord what needed to be done in order for me to make life better. Battling not having my child home and dealing with my pregnancy emotions was rough. Some days, the tears would just roll down my face. I decided that I was going to do the impossible to get my child back home with me. I went to all the visits with her and her love made me stronger. On other days I occupied myself gardening and such to cope with it all. God put people in my life that would help me move on; without God, I would have given up a long time ago. In June 2009, I finally got my daughter back. I was granted sole custody of my children, with their father having visitation. Dealing with my ex-husband is extremely challenging but I try to be the adult in the situation and understand that since he doesn’t know God he is lost in his ways. I avoid any major encounters with him because of how much he has hurt me in the past. Thanks to God, I am not afraid anymore and I know that this man can't hurt me anymore. All I can do is be kind and pray for him, so that someday he can be at peace with himself. To this day I am a better person, because of all this. Truly God has allowed all things to work together for the good; now I understand the true meaning of life. Every morning that I awake, I look at my lovely girls and thank God for giving me another day to live and watch them grow. I'm living on borrowed time and I know God has certain plans for me. I pray to God that I may not stumble and fall ever again. I pray that He keeps me from temptation and delivers me away from evil. Right now my life is focused on raising my daughters; to live a healthy and godly life, for without God we are nothing. Through him we can find peace in our lives and right now I am at peace. I don't sit around hating because of the past instead I show thankfulness and love. I learned what it really means to forgive because of how God has forgiven and loves me. I wouldn’t have life any other way, for I am a better person and my faith in God grew stronger. Someday I know I will be exactly where I want to be in life, and when that day comes, God will be where He has always been… right by my side. AMEN!!!