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SHARK WEEK

Written by Brandon Zachary

3345 South Morgan Street 719-355-9400 bs.zachary@gmail.com


SHARK WEEK LILY - (College student, nebbish) (LILY paddles to center stage awkwardly. A small “wave” sits in front of her, and reaches a little past her) LILY Ha! Who said you had to be in a sorority to have fun! Look at me! I don’t need to be in any sorority! I’m my own Sorority of one! Just like the army! Except for the “sorority” part. (LILY slumps over and sighs) Man. Stupid lousy rassen frassen Sigma Omega Delta. Bet they’re all thick as a post. Yeah! YEAH! THAT’S RIGHT! I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO BE IN YOUR STUPID SORORITY! I mean, who really wants to be in one? It’s just fine. It’s fine. (LILY paddles a bit more) LILY (CONT’D) I’m not too boring to be in a Sorority. I’m exciting! I’m a live by the moment kind of girl. I am! Just because some of us don’t want to drink ourselves to death or sleep with brain addled frat boys doesn’t mean I’m boring. Certainly more than exciting enough for THAT SORORITY! I mean, would a boring girl try out kayaking, in the middle of the ocean? No! She’d just bury herself in the sand so not to get suburned! Tanning’s just the short coat to skin cancer, I always sa- NO! No, that’s old Lily talking. This is something cool people do! Exciting people! That’s why I’m doing it! I’m exciting! (LILY paddles some more.) LILY (CONT’D) I mean, I wasn’t always exciting, I get that. Old Lily was boring in every sense of the word. (MORE)


2. LILY (CONT’D) But that’s what college is for. New places, new things, new experiences. No more Lily Mark, science club and debate captain. World, meet new Lily Mark! Exciting, thrill seeker! (LILY turns, and jumps slightly. Music begins to play) LILY (CONT’D) Oh my god what is that! Oh my god oh my god oh my go- Oh, it’s just a plastic bag. (LILY takes a deep breath) LILY (CONT’D) Okay, it’s okay. Just seaweed. I thought it was a Cloverfield for a second. Okay. Calm down. (LILY takes another deep breath) LILY (CONT’D) Come on! You’re better than this! You’re Lily Mark, the new and improved Lily Mark! Exciting Lily! Being afraid of seaweed isn’t new Lily. That’s old Lily. This is the Lily who impresses everyone and gets together with Clive Owen and gets married and becomes a Soccer mom and nooooo! New Lily is casual, and cool, and awesome. Okay. Go me! (LILY high fives herself. Then she realizes what she just did.) LILY (CONT’D) Okay, remember, only do that when you’re out in the middle of the ocean. Good thing nobody saw...oh, come on! (LILY gestures to the beach, where a party is going on) LILY (CONT’D) They had to have their party tight there? There’s like twenty people there! Who knows, maybe they didn’t see me do it.


3. (LILY tries to look indescript. She waves awkwardly to the beach, before high fiving herself again)

LILY Yeah yeah yeah, laugh it up. Oh man, it looks like they’re having so much fun! Volleyball and guys and OOOOOHHH! PIZZA! Man! I bet if I was cool Lily Mark, I’d be eating pizza. This sucks. (LILY paddles halfheartedly) LILY (CONT’D) But I’m in the ocean! Old Lily would never be in the ocean! Come on! Focus on the positives! I’m in the ocean.... (BEAT) LILY (CONT’D) I’m in the ocean... (LILY looks around.) LILY (CONT’D) The ocean is pretty boring. (LILY looks over at the beach, and perks up) LILY (CONT’D) Are they.... Are they waving at me? (LILY looks behind her, and turns back to the audience, excited. From offstage right has appeared a shark fin under just visible over the waves.) LILY (CONT’D) They are! Wow! They like me! They really like me! (LILY waves back) LILY (CONT’D) Hi! Thanks! I know! I’m kayaking! What? (LILY starts motioning behind her head)


4. LILY (CONT’D) I wonder what that means. I bet it’s cool. I bet it’s some super secret sorority cool girl thing! Hey! (LILY chuckles, and looks behind herself briefly. LILY turns back to the audience, and looks TERRIFIED) LILY (CONT’D) Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god it’s a SHAAAAAAARK. There’s a shark behind me oh this is awful oh my god it’s a shaaaaaark. Oh god, I’m in Jaws. Maybe ....maybe it didn’t see me. Maybe it’s fine. (LILY looks behind her) LILY (CONT’D) OH IT’S FOLLOWING ME. OH MY GOD. I DON’T WANT TO BE EXCITING ANYMORE, I JUST WANT TO BE BORING AND NOT BE IN JAWS! OOOOOOHHHHH I MISS DEBATE! (LILY starts paddling frantically) LILY (CONT’D) Okay Lily, okay. Just keep paddling, you can make it out of this just fine. Just think of Finding Nemo! Just keep paddling, just keep paddling, just keep paddlin(LILY accidently drops the paddle. A string pulls the paddle offstage) LILY (CONT’D) OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO BE EATEN BY A SHARK! Okay, okay, just calm down. Panicking isn’t going to help anyone but the shark. Just keep calm. You can make it out of this. Just....stay....calm. (LILY tries to center herself. She loses balance, and falls out of it)


5. LILY (CONT’D) OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO BE EATEN BY A SHARK OH THIS IS SO BAD I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I EVER WANTED TO BE EXCITING I JUST WANT TO BE BORING I JUST WANT TO BE.... (The SHARK bobs its head out of the water. It inspects LILY briefly, before leaving her alone and going offstage. LILY stares at it, increduious) LILY (CONT’D) OH NO. OHHHHHHHHHH HELL NO. THE SORORITY DIDN’T WANT ME, THE PARTY DIDN’T WANT ME, I DIDN’T WANT ME! THERE IS NO WAY I AM GETTING PASSED UP BY FUCKING JABBERJAW TOO! (LILY swims after the shark) LILY (CONT’D) COME BACK HERE YOU SON OF A BITCH! TRY TO EAT ME SO I CAN PUNCH YOU IN THE NOSE! COME HERE! BLACKOUT

Shark Week  

A one man play, centering around a young woman trying something new with her life... and then, of course, it goes terribly wrong.