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Discussion

Group Leader Guide Week 7 Group 5


Our Emotional Response Turning Hurt into Healing No Doubt | Wk 7 | Group 5 Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? -Abraham Lincoln

TO KICK THINGS OFF, THE HOST OR FACILITATOR READS THIS OUT LOUD. Welcome to part 5 of the No Doubt group journey. In this journey, we are learning how to wrestle with questions about the Christian faith and the strategy behind our spiritual, emotional, and intellectual response. It’s easier to complete the journey experience if we get to know our fellow travelers.

EVERYONE INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO THE GROUP BY SHARING YOUR NAME, THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE IN YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR BIGGEST FEAR OR PHOBIA. THE PERSON WHO MENTIONED THE SMALLEST OBJECT AS THEIR PHOBIA READ NEXT.

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CODE OF CONDUCT

When we break into groups and start sharing, please remember the group commitments we have made to each other. Show Up Participate Be Safe Keep it Confidential Be Encouraging Last week we talked about the strategy behind our spiritual response. We learned that: ● God has a vested interest when we discuss our faith, and he wants to give our conversations a spiritual boost as we learn to trust the Holy Spirit. ● A simple, quick prayer before a faith conversation can tip the scales in our favor. ● We want to start every conversation with PRAY, LOVE, SHINE This week we are looking at the strategy behind our emotional response. For many people the hurt that they feel clouds their ability to have an intellectual discussion about faith. Our emotional strategy is to turn hurt into healing opportunities.

THE PERSON TO THE LEFT READS NEXT. Before we start, we want to pray and invite the Holy Spirit to guide our thoughts and discussions. Who can volunteer to say a prayer for the group this week? [prayer to invite Holy Spirit to guide our thoughts and our discussions.]

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Break into groups of 3 - 6 and discuss the following questions

THE PERSON WHO WOKE UP EARLIEST THIS MORNING, SET A 15 MINUTE TIMER ON YOUR PHONE WHILE THE NEXT PERSON TO THE LEFT READS RECON Mission

In groups of 3 - 6, read this section and share your answers to these questions. 1.

What are some emotionally motivated statements that people tend to make against the christian faith or believers?

2.

Has someone you know ever been deeply hurt by someone in the church? Or by someone who claimed to be a believer? Can one person in the group share their experience?

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3.

When someone feels emotional pain, what do they need? What percentage of people, would you guess, associate hurt with God, religion, or someone in the church?

Group insights to remember and share:

WHEN THE TIMER FINISHES, THE NEXT PERSON TO THE LEFT READS: Write down your group insights to share with the larger group later.

Intelligence Briefing

Some people have some deep hurt that clouds their relationship with God, faith and church. When people are hurting, it is not uncommon for them to lash out and hurt others. It is hard for hurting people to have a rational conversation about faith or anything else. The thing they crave the most is a friend who will listen to them and validate them.

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It is time to break out our Bible apps and see what Jesus modeled and taught on the subject. In your groups of 3 - 6, read these verses and discuss the following questions.

TIMEKEEPER, RESET THE 15 MINUTE TIMER Blessed are the Hurting and the Healing 1. How does Jesus expect his followers to respond to their enemies, persecutors, and outsiders? What reason does he give? Matthew 5:43-48 43 “You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. 44 But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! 45 In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. 46 If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. 47 If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. 48 But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.

2. Which of these blessings deal with those who are hurting? Those who are healing others? Matthew 5:1-16 One day as he saw the crowds gathering, Jesus went up on the mountainside and sat down. His disciples gathered around 6


him, 2 and he began to teach them. 3 “God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. 4 God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 5 God blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the whole earth. 6 God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they will be satisfied. 7 God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy. 8 God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. 9 God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God. 10 God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. 11 “God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers. 12 Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted in the same way. 13 “You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless. 14 “You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. 15 No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.

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3. Are their practical and healthy ways to turn hurt into healing? Are there unhealthy ways to respond to hurt?

4. God cares about our emotional well being and wants us to be safe. There are some situations where a hurting co-worker, family member, or stranger can be abusive. In those situations we need to set healthy boundaries instead of engaging in healing ministry. What are situations where a person might need to set a boundary instead of engaging in healing ministry?

Group insights to remember and share:

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WHEN THE TIMER FINISHES THE TIMEKEEPER READS: Write down your group insights to share with the larger group later. THE NEXT PERSON TO THE LEFT READS Jesus is very concerned with those who are hurting. Physically and emotionally. He expects his followers to mirror God’s grace to those who are hurting. We also need to be careful. Real life can get messy. God cares about our well-being and wants us to be safe when we interact with hurting people.

Training Exercise

THE NEXT PERSON TO THE LEFT READS We’re now going to look at our NO DOUBT Emotional response, which is: LISTEN On of the most powerful ways we can turn hurt into healing is through Empathetic Listening. Empathetic Listening is repressing our own feelings, experience and judgements while we actively listen and ask questions that make the other person feel understood and validated. Watch this Ted Talk about empathetic listening and take notes on question #1. Warning to the tough guys in the group: this 11 minute talk is a little heavy on the estrogen, but it is worth it to learn these techniques. Empathetic Listening - Naomi Feil (11:02) Host plays video via DVD or https://vimeo.com/channels/nodoubt

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AFTER THE VIDEO FINISHES TIMEKEEPER RESET TIMER TO 20 MINUTES In your groups of 3 - 6, do this activity and discuss these questions. 1. What are Naomi’s techniques for validation through empathetic listening?

2. Take turns reading through these steps to Empathetic Listening as a group. a. Invite them to share about the hurt i. Recognize that the statement is full of emotion. They are hurting. My emotions are high. Decide to respond in love. Ask if they have been hurt. Are they are willing to share more about that experience. ii. “John, I’m hearing some real hurt in that statement. Is that correct? Would you share more about that?” b. Mirror back their feelings i. Don’t share unsolicited wisdom. Rephrase what they just said. Encourage them to elaborate on their feelings. You don’t have to agree with them, but let them know you have heard and understood. ii. “You feel like he didn’t do what he said he would?”, “So that made you feel betrayed. Right?” c. Validate - Let them know that their feeling/ need is reasonable. They are not crazy for feeling that way. d. Respond in Love i. Listen Again - Ask more follow-up questions. Give them the chance to continue sharing. Often there are many layers you need to go t hrough to get to the core emotional need. 10


ii. iii.

Share - Ask for their permission to share your own perspective or common experiences. Sometimes people need to know that someone else has been there too. Invite them to belong. After they feel validated and appreciated, invite them to join you at church / bible study, or invite them to hear your story of how Jesus changed your life.

3. Rollplay. Someone in the group volunteer to play the role of the hurting individual and share a doubt or complaint about faith that is loaded with emotion. Someone else in the group volunteer to practice empathetic listening. Invite them to share. Parrot back their statements. Validate their feelings. Others in the group, listen and be prepared to make suggestions when the other listener gets stuck and asks for help. AFTER THE TIMER FINISHES TIMEKEEPER RESETS TIMER TO 5 MINUTES FOR #4 & #5 4. What happens to the original issue as empathetic listening continues?

5. After the person feels listened to and validated, what types of things can we invite them into?

Group insights to remember and share:

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Regroup

SKIP THIS STEP IF THERE ARE NO OTHER GROUPS IN THE ROOM. WHEN THE TIMER IS FINISHED RESET THE TIMER FOR 10 MINUTES. THE NEXT PERSON TO THE LEFT READS In your group of 3 - 6, review your insights from the group discussions. What are the 2 or 3 best insights from your group that you would like to remember and share?

WHEN THE TIMER IS FINISHED, ONE SPOKESPERSON FROM EACH GROUP SHARE THEIR GROUP INSIGHTS WITH THE WHOLE GROUP. AFTER THE LAST GROUP SHARES, THE HOST READS

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Wheels Up!

This week, we learned that: â—? Before people can listen to a rational argument, they first need their feelings to be heard and validated. â—? Empathetic Listening helps us turn hurt into healing and find opportunities for ministry This week in the personal exercise, we will dig deeper into empathetic listening, setting boundaries and understanding core emotional needs.

Next week we will look at the strategy behind our Intellectual Response. [ask for volunteers to bring snacks, facilitate, or share personal stories next week]

And before you leave, ask someone about their greatest phobia. See you next week.

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