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Bowland DY THE
















Pat Brown, College Administrator

A word from the editors... Hello Bowland! I’m Lucy, the smaller and less masculine one in the duo “Lucy and Jim”. Before I go on I would like to thank everyone who voted for me - I will ensure it was the right decision. As for those who didn’t, flick through this first issue which will hopefully change your mind about me!


As for the making of this first issue, it’s been a challenging and incredibly exciting experience! It’s really enjoyable to spend time being creative on InDesign and going on photo shoots after being stuck in lectures all day. For both Jim and I, making this issue has been a learning curve: we’ve learnt a lot, deleted a heck of a lot and we’ve rushed around too much. The only way we can improve for the second issue is with your help! Your feedback and suggestions are invaluable.

3 What has your JCR been up to? 4 Meet your new JCR exec 6 Meet your SCR

7 Meet your porters 8 Bowland bar

9 What’s well fair? Welfare

10 Social calendar and review 11 Support your sports

16 Bowland accommodation

I hope that over the coming year each and every Bowland student en- 18 Christmas stories joys reading the Bowland Lady whatever their personal taste. There is only one thing that every reader has in common - we are from BOW- 21 New Year’s Resolutions LAND, the best college of them all! 22 Will Grayson, WIll Grayson book review The variety of the magazine should prove refreshing - we have useful articles about the JCR and SCR, along with evaluative articles about 23 Film review the festive season, accommodation, books and films, not to mention some teatime tips and career motivators! 25 Successful girls So go on then, have a read!

26 Getting your arse into gear

Lucy x

28 The selected poems of Bowland College

It has indeed been an intense, exhilarating and, admittedly, stressful week. Caffeine overdoses, mild panic attacks and nightmares plagued by the geometric shapes of design software are just some tribulations that impending deadlines generate for the first-time magazine editor. But I have indeed pulled through, and, whether I can quite believe it or not, you are now currently reading a successfully-printed and on-time first edition of this year’s first Bowland Lady Magazine. Woohoo!

30 Kontroversial Korner 31 Cheers to cocktails 32 Recipes 34 People watching 35 Puzzle page

But, remember, it still remains a first issue, and, as such, remains a work in progress. I therefore urge you all to pick at it incessantly, unlock your inner pedant and scrutinise every sound, spelling and syllable in as much detail as you can muster. Criticise each wonky layout, blurry face and clashing colour, because feedback is the fruit of improvement, and the future of your magazine quite literally rests in your hands. While some things may not have manifested exactly as my imagination had wrought them, I am still very happy with this first issue, and I hope you find leafing through its wondrous, silky pages as much of an adventure as I have designing it. Your dedicated magazine editor, Jimmy B


What have your JCR b een up to? Discussed During O ur Meetings:

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

We are trying to get more social space for the college and also improve the current areas we have. The SCR are in favour of this. We will theme the movie nights which will be held fortnightly. The welfare team’s office hours have started and will be published in the magazine and on posters There will be a Chinese New Year celebration across campus. The table tennis table is back! The social team are putting together the social calendar We will try to integrate the different accommodation blocks more. We are starting to plan Founders. Everyone should attend sports events and join the ‘Bowland Sports’ Facebook group to keep up to date with upcoming events. A ‘Meet your JCR’ poster and video will be done. We are trying to do 2 welfare campaigns per term, focussing on education, environment, employability and welfare. Children in Need, Red Nose Day, and Sports Relief are potential things to focus on too. There will be four positions up for election at the end of the academic year: 2x Sports Representatives, 1x Social Secretary and 1x Magazine editor. We will try and fix the sofas in the bar. An Xbox and Wii should be put in the bar, with various regulations in place to ensure the usage is kept fair. The blackboard in the bar is to be used for sports fixtures. The captains should update this regularly.

nt you are land stude w o B a s a of our JCR Remember, wn to any o d llege e m o c re of our co u rt fu welcome to e th nd discuss meetings a with us. e JCR to any of th k a e sp n a ce, ly, you c the JCR offi in s Alternative u h tc a st likely c an email. -you’ll mo to send us e e fr l e fe but, if not,

Our emails:

l.dudding@lancaste j.white4@lancaster.a j.balfour@hotmail.c om j.sammons@hotm g.barker7@hotmai s.regan@lancaster.a a.cleaves@lancaste c.green3@lancaste j.driver@lancaster.a j.marsh1@lancaste a.hall3@lancaster.a l.mann@lancaster.a m.hinz@lancaster.a

THE JCR SUGGESTION BOX Ever had a suggestion for your JCR or a little bit of constructive criticism? Or perhaps an idea for Extrav or a social or maybe even a compliment? Well feel free to pop any suggestions into the suggestion box in the bar; no matter how big or small, standard or strange; we read them all! We’re always looking to get your opinion on things so throughout the year we’ll be doing various polls to get your point of view across. But we can only make polls when we have suggestions! Don’t worry, it’s completely anonymous and we’ll never know who suggested what. It’s been moved from the Porters’ Lodge to the Bar so you can’t miss it and, just in case you do, it’s got a picture of a hamster on the front for some reason (who knows?). Maybe you want to suggest we change the image.. that’s what it’s there for! -Chris Green, Vice President


Meet your new Bowland JCR Exec! Hello Bowlanders,

This time last year I had just been elected to the position of Social Secretary on the Bowland JCR Exec. I was ready to organise some events, but had no idea that a year later I would be using my Friday morning seminar to write out my first President’s column. A lot can happen in a year. A year goes by quickly, especially at university. Last year a lot of what I did was out there in the open: people were aware of the events the Social Secretaries were organising. On the other hand, I’ve already learnt that a lot of the work for the Presidency goes on behind-the-scenes. Whether you’re someone who works behind-the-scenes or someone who likes their work to be out in the open, I urge you to make the same pledge I have made – that is, to make 2014 your year of action. The JCR elections may have gone, but four positions will be open for election in the summer. I urge anyone who’s at least slightly interested to start thinking about it. If you missed it in Freshers’ Week, get down to the sports teams’ training sessions and try out! Get on board with this term’s social calendar, or if you don’t like it, speak to the JCR about organising your own event! The word ‘involvement’ comes up in almost every President’s column, but there’s a reason for that. It’s the single-best thing you can do at university: get involved! I hope to see you around, Lee

Above: Chris Tooley’s artwork

A WORD FROM PATRICK SOMERVELL: ‘Not being on the JCR is something new to me. After being a Welfare Officer in my first year and being your President last year, the hectic lifestyle has changed to the “Third Year, taking your degree serious” mentality. So far I’ve been very impressed with the new JCR under the leadership of Lee. I wish them all the best. Do Bowland proud guys.’

I’m Chris, your Vice President. If you voted for me then thank you; if you didn’t I hope over the next year I can give you a reason to have. There’s a fun year ahead with lots of socials such as Roses, Founders, Extrav, BRBC and the university’s 50th birthday, just to name a few... So it’s going to be a big year, and one of the best yet! I hope I get to know all of you well - Bowland has such a good community spirit. See you around!


I’m Lauren! I’ll only be h ere for 2 terms so I w ant to make my mark by throwing some great so cials you won’t forget! Open to any ideas.

Social Secs!

cs. , like the sauce. Studying Politi yes r, ste rce Wo m fro ia, Jul I’m ate management and PR. I once Would love to go into events is s as a snack. My favourite film an entire jar of pickled onion Sam boat for a while. And it’s Goodfellas. I lived on a canal mons, not like the fish.

The Welfare Team! I’m Shannon. I’m terrible at darts, pool, and sports in general, but what I am good at is writing dirty limericks for my flatmate, and coming up with creative ideas to help raise money for charity. Always happy to listen and help.


I’m Alex, the solitary ginger of the JCR this year. I am passionate about football, cricket and campaigning. I enjoy talking to others and aim to make Bowland more fun for everyone. I cannot say the word duvet and I have webbed toes.

I live in tional & Equality Officer. na ter In ur yo , ten ar M & I’m year studying Languages st fir my in am I d an lls Bowland Ha unless rmally I wouldn’t tell you no t bu an rm Ge am I ry. Histo you all! lutely keen bean to meet football was on TV. Abso

I’m Jas on don’t se . If you e ing like me danca comp le maniac in Suga te r, you’ll c at the foo ch me on tb playing all pitch fo own Bo r our very wland FC.

I’m Georgia, a first year Bowlander, b ut I can’t imagine life without this family. I can talk for England and I’ll make friend s with anyone , except Lon sdale. I love a good cockta il.

I’m Jac k, big asp a guy with iration s, o inating from sm rigbeginn all in of Man gs on the Isle an high ho d holding p ahead! es for the yea r I’m psy ched to make t he Bowlan 50th year of d most so the best and cialable yet!

I’m Jordan, now in my second year as Sports Rep. Last year we brought the Founders Shield home and this year it will be staying put. I hope to get as many people involved as possible.

Sport Reps!

orts position of sp y m r fo n ra .I f the netHi, I’m Alice being part o d e v lo e v d to I’ rep because ) and I wante … ls ia c so e d th e. ball team (an to do the sam rs e th o e g ra u enco

THE COMMUNICATIONS TEAM! egetarian, and nearly 5ft. I’mMay v secret? rkshire lass, o Y a m anna know a I’ ! W y c t. n e d u I’m Lu st ge wiches. glish Langua etchup sand k d n a first year En y lt a res are Casu guilty pleasu

ridled love for linguistics and poetry, Wagwan, peeps, I’m Jim. I have an unb k shirts and jumpers in an attempt to loo and spend most of my time wearing egg omelettes. intelligent. I also have a taste for three-


MEET YOUR SCR Joe Thornberry, College Principle

Joe Thornberry is Principal of Bowland College and, according to the University Statutes, he is responsible “for maintaining the effective working and good order of that College.” He was born and raised in Dublin and was a student at Lancaster 1968-72. He has been involved in Bowland since returning to work at the university in 1998, first as Senior Tutor and then as Principal. He leads an SCR team comprising the Vice-Principal and Dean, the Senior Advisor, the College Administrator and many other senior members who have volunteered to help and support Bowland students.

Simon Corless, Dean

Hi, I’m Simon, the college Dean, and I would much rather see you in a social situation, rather than have to become acquainted with you with concerns to my role as a Dean. I am an avid walker (having recently raised £1750 for charity for climbing Kilimanjaro) and a keen socialiser. You’ll usually find me meeting up with friends in the Boot and Shoe or in Bowland Bar.

or ege Administrat ll o C d n la w o B Pat Brown, Hi I’m Pat. I have been at Lancaster University for 28 years but it took me 12 years before I saw the light and joined Bowland College; now they can’t get rid of me. I have a keen interest in knitting and crime thrillers, and also frequently attend the theatre due to my fervent love of live preformance. I also have a gorgeous grandson called Eliott.

Alison Platt, Residences Officer Primarily, my role is to deal with any issues relating to the accommodation in Bowland College. I am the first point of call for residents having issues with their room and/or their living environment and am available to advise any Bowland student on pretty much any query or question about on-campus accommodation.

Bob Blake, Senior Adviser As Bowland Senior Advisor, Bob Blake provides support for the welfare (personal wellbeing and academic progress) of Bowland students. He works with Pat Brown (Deputy Senior Advisor) and a great team of 34 Bowland College Advisors, who volunteer to provide support for their first year advisees. Along with Pat, he is the advisor for Bowlanders in Part Two. In his rare spare time, after his part-time PhD, he loves doing yoga, walking, good food and music. And, remember, Joe, Simon and Bob, are all VOLUNTEERS.


MEET YOUR PORTERS CHRIS Hi, I’m Chris! I’m 62 years old and have been married to my wife, Helen since 1981. We have 4 sons, the eldest 30, the second-eldest 27, the youngest twins of 16, and 3 grandchildren. We also have a house full of pets: dogs, cats, tortoises and tropical fish which I’ve kept since the late 60s. I’ve worked at the university since 1978; for 27 years I worked in the Catering Dept. as a chef, and finished as the Head chef. Since then, I have worked as a porter in Bowland and I just wish I had changed jobs far earlier than I did! I have a few things I enjoy in my spare time: reading, messing with computers, and Amateur Radio which I have held a licence for since 1986. (PAT: “he’s the joker who always fines you £15!”)

SUE Hi, I’m Sue and I’ve been a Bowland porter for six and a half years. Before that, I was a nurse for 11 years and then took time out to complete a degree in social work and welfare studies, also working for the Blood Service. I have a twin sister, and this year I retire from playing hockey for Lancaster. I am also a fan of football and support Manchester United.

BRIAN I’m Brian, a member of the Bowland Porters team, a keen lover of all sports and, in fact, my nephew is James Ellison, the British super bike rider and champion. There is nothing I like better than walking my two dogs, Blue and Jess, on the lake district fells and nothing amuses me more than watching you lot return from the Sugarhouse at 5 am.

ROB Rob is a mysterious porter indeed. Not much is known about him, although rumours suggest that he is a keen fencing enthusiast who has worked on a car park on China Street.

If you ever ned to get in contact with the Porters, you can email them at, or you can ring them on 92348 (internallly) and 01574 592348 (externally)


BOWLAND BAR A.K.A The Trough of Bowland A.K.A. ‘The Trough of Bowland’

I`m Gareth, my previous jobs include bouncer, ski guide, landscape gardener and particle physicist. I now keep you supplied with beer. I spend my Saturdays shouting at either Tottenham or Morecambe players for various footballing reasons. My weakness is freshly baked bread and really salty butter. I also make my own cider. Keeps me sane.

I’m Emily and I’m a third year maths student. If i’m not behind the bar, I’m probably in front of another. I play for Bowland netball too so I have a lot of love for our college. My favourite drink has to be a steamboat: soco, lime and lemonade (SEE PAGE 31)

Hey I'm Matt, I'm a 2nd year earth science and geography student and have been working at Bowland for a year now. Despite not being from the college I feel properly adopted as a member and am so happy to be working at the best bar on campus!!

I'm Alisha, a 2nd year PPE student. I'm Italian, from Rome, I don't do sport and I'm not a member of any societies. However, I do spend a considerable amount of time in the bar moaning whilst I drink a pint of doom bar.

"Tom couldn't write himself a blurb as he was drinking brewskis in the Bronx’

Hi! I’m Will and don’t hate me... but I’m from Furness! Love all you Bowlanders though and love to serve you a few drinks and pies down the line! I play rugby league for the uni and have a show on Bailrigg Tuesdays 3-4! I’m currently in my final year reading Business Studies. I've been working at the uni bars since September 2012 and at Bowland since the start of 2013. I definitely think that I am the clumsiest person working at the Trough! I’m fluent in speaking French and one day I hope to work there so I can become a proper Parisien!


What’s well fair?

WELFARE! Want to chat to the team?

socialise differently and not everyone is used to a drinking culture. What is it like to be a Freshers’ Rep? Shannon: Stressful and tiring but so much fun!! I would stay out and keep an eye on all of our freshers until they were home, and then wake up to take them to daytime activities. I know it’s a cliché but I made some amazing friends, and all the freshers I’ve met seemed to really appreciate us helping them and have wanted to keep in contact with us.

Come along to the JCR Office (up the steps from the Porters’ Lodge, last room on the left) for JCR Drop-in sessions: * Alex: Monday, 1-2 * Shannon: Wednesday, 11How can we make Bowland more welcoming? 12 * Marten: Friday, 12-1 Marten: I think changing the way we publicise our events would be fab! Facebook and Twitter are good SCR Drop-in Sessions: Contact Pat Brown and Bob Blake, your SCR members, to discuss any issues with our to share information but it can be bombarding at times. We want to try to be more visible, come to College Advisors. Drop-in sessions are: *Wednesday: people’s kitchens and spread the word about what is 5-5.45 * Thursday, 5-5.45 going on. New Bowland Welfare E-Mail: Bowlandwelfare@lancast- Alex: It would be more inclusive to organise and promote more events that are non-alcoholic. - don’t hesitate to get in touch! Shannon: I would like Bowlanders to be more aware of the JCR, and especially the Welfare team, before their arrival at uni, via Facebook and email.

The new welfare officers assess how welcoming Bowland is for freshers...

How useful were your freshers reps? Marten: Freshers’ reps made such a confusing week a little easier and helped us to overcome that initial awkwardness everyone feels at the start. Cheers guys! Shannon: Our reps didn’t encourage us to participate, particularly in the day time activities during Freshers’ week. However, we remained in contact over the year This term’s welfare events: which was nice. #1) 1st Feb - LU Run against Domestic Violence Alex: Freshers’ reps were the reason why I had such an enjoyable week. They were there for us, made us feel wel#2) 2nd Feb, 8pm - Bowland Bar - Celebrating British come and answered our questions. Culture Film Night What is it like to be living off campus? Alex: Living off campus obviously isn’t ideal, especially when we are living in UCUM, but as a group I really feel we have become very close. The college as a whole has also been a major factor in helping us settle in as everyone has been very welcoming.

#3) 6th Feb, 6pm - County Bar - National Time to Talk Day. “warm-up event” for Mental Health Awareness Week, Week 5 #4) 7th Feb - Chinese New Year

#5) Feb - Alex Square - Cupid Comes Back to LanWhat is it like being an international fresher in Bowland? caster. Surprise your dearest and nearest with roses Marten: I am not a fan of the label “international”, it and cakes! Proceeds wll go to Cancer UK. describes such a big group of people. If you have lived in the UK before, especially as EU student, the culture #6) 15th March - Alex Square - Sport Relief Tombola shock will probably be small. Different cultures


SOCIAL CALENDAR LENT TERM Take a peek at what the social secs Lauren, Jack and Julia have in store for you this term... Week Week Week Week Week Week Week Week

4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Quiz Movie Quiz + Big Red Bar Crawl Movie Quiz + Big Wet Weekend (waterpark) Movie + Games Night (twister championships) Quiz Movie

What did your new social secs make of the Michaelmas term social events, organised by the last JCR?

and relaxed, they were great social events to end a busy week. One of the things missed most about home is curling up on the sofa getting stuck into a film – it’s not quite the same on a laptop in a Halls kitchen, is it? Film nights in the bar were a super way to unwind, relax and obnoxiously chomp popcorn. Board Games Night proved to be hugely popular. It was a chilled event, enabling students to unwind with friends, and it was something a little out of the ordinary. Julia remembers it with particular fondness because it is where she played her first ever game of Scrabble! Big Red Bar Crawl was indeed a BIG night out. It did suffer on attendance due to clashes with academic commitments – but what it lacked in numbers it made up for in memories. Liverpool: the buses may have been late, but we eventually got there and showed the Liverpudllians how Lancastrians do it. Many students enjoyed the opportunity to mix with Fylde, our partners in crime, and they made very good accomplices indeed. As soon as November was out of the way, it was all about the Christmas Ball. It did not disappoint. There was a lovely vibe in Bowland Bar before-hand. The Dunkenhalgh Hotel was a beautiful venue, the food was spot on, the atmosphere was right and most were very merry indeed.

Freshers’ Week kicked off the social calendar last term. A varied and accommodating range of events provided a fantastic means for freshers to explore what Lancaster has to offer. The Lounge may not have been the most glamorous club to start, but nevertheless it was a brilliant night, enjoyed by everyone from the House Hippies to the Ash Army. Old Skool Sports Written by Julia, Jack and Lauren. Day was a triumph: the competitive spirit was rife and it was a great way to limber up before busting some moves at the Silent Disco later that evening. So, there may have been events during the week that weren’t as well attended, such as the disappointing Freshers’ Dinner, but on the whole it was a smashing start to the term, and indeed the rest of our time here! As for the quizzes, held at the bar on a Sunday, every other week, there were always great rounds with questions that forced the thinking hats out of the closet. As they are casual




his season has gotten off to a brilliant start for all three Bowland F.C. teams, with the As winning 2 and losing 1, the Bs winning 3 and losing 1 and the C team winning 3, drawing 1 and losing 1. This winning start to the season has given the whole club a boost with over 60 people attending training every session. This has been reflected in the social attendance this year, with most members of the


Aaron Leong, A Team FootballCaptain






his year, Bowland darts has got off to a flying start. We have grabbed the bull by the horns and hopefully we can keep on point for the coming term to remain competitive. There has been a great uptake of freshers this year which should put us in good stead for the coming years.

club going to socials such as FIFA night, crate escape, scrumpy challenge and courageous spirits. With the great atmosphere and club unity, more and more players are constantly joining the club. We hope this continues throughout the year up until the big one, FOUNDERS!


-George Rushworth, Darts Captain





his year has seen the first ever Bowland Table Tennis team, a day that many wished for but thought would never come. I became Captain through the arduous process of being in the bar at the right time, and results have been mediocre to say the very least! We've had a great response from a fervent fanbase, none of whom are ever able to come to watch


our matches but are almost certainly there in spirit. Hopefully 2014 will bring a successful spell of dominance for Bowland Table Tennis as we attempt to make the transition from Ping-Pong to Peng-Pong. Looking forward to seeing at least one of you at a match very soon. -James Hyde, Table Tennis Captain



e are now halfway through the season and are sat in 4th place above Lonsdale, which is a similar position to where we have ended up in my past two years in the team. We have seen a 9-0 win over County, a thrilling 4-4 decider going in our favour thanks to our Vice Aaron Wheaton, and good wins against Grad, Grizedale and Cartmel. We sit on 47 points tightly fighting for 2nd place it would appear. The aim for this term is to build on the positives that we collectively gained as a team, and work on individual areas of improvement. We were unlucky to lose to Pendle who came back from 4-1 down to beat us 5-4, and a few

other games seemed to get out of hand too quickly, leaving us to try and salvage points. However, looking back we have done pretty well considering, and, providing we remain consistent, we can push for a top spot. It has already been a pleasure captaining the A team this year, especially considering it is the 50th anniversary of the college which we have even marked with embroidery upon our shirts. And even more so by the SCR generously donating the college its very own pool table. I have seen the team move on through my three years here, happy to play amongst some of the colleges best players and funniest moments, most of which involve the


‘Burnley Bar-cue Brute’ Ronan Szelesi displaying his anger upon many a table, or the ever popular Zac Godfrey Plews, ‘Zorca’ to most, for his many questionable shot choices which regularly led to him earning ‘dick of the week’ in the skintight leopard print shirt. These, amongst others, will be back for Founders in summer where I plan on getting an A team pool win for the first time since I have been here. -Jonny Clayton, A Team Pool Captain



oining Bowland Dominoes team is like taking money from old people. You know it's wrong, you now it looks bad and you know you'll get a terrible reputation, but there's a part of you that really enjoys it. Currently, if the league was turned upside down, we'd be first. -Chris Tooley, Dominoes Captain


o two netball socials are quite the same, bar the (poor) enforcement of the infamous ‘Ten Rules’. Wednesday nights are the most likely time of the week to find the girls out raving to Usher’s ‘Yeah’, but we’ve also dabbled in Elements and Hustle (dressed appropriately as chavs for the latter). We find fancy dress is the key to a successful night

l l a b t Ne and we regularly indulge in it, but with one catch; no flattering outfits permitted (rule 1). All socials are inevitably followed by ‘#Shameday’, a term coined by the team following the inevitable feelings of embarrassment and regret post-social. The only way to make it through this painful day is to take to the netball Facebook group to post pictures, gossip and


sympathy for the poor souls who fall prey to rule ten. On a serious note though, socials can be credited for turning the girls from a netball team into a group of friends (cheesy, we know). With a full schedule of socials for the next two terms, the bounds of fun are limitless. -Fliss Robertson




ancaster tennis team is one of the few sporting teams that unites the colleges, for the simple reason that very few people give a shit about the sport, and the sheer lack of talent within colleges (apart from Bowland of course)! It would be great if all colleges had their own team, but considering the abysmal weather and appalling facilities we can’t see this happening any time soon. The tennis squad is made up of two men’s teams and a women’s. Antoine Prieur captaining the men’s first, and although originating from France and attending a top tennis academy, he still fails to beat the rest of the team, particularly the passionate Bowlanders: Ollie Wiggin, Lee Cardy and Abdul Al Janahi. The captain of the second team, Dominic Liddell-Crewe, proves that tennis can appeal to the ladies as the team likes to call him a “chick magnet” in Sugar on the tennis socials. And finally the longest reigning captain is Krista Ozolina who founded the women’s team in 2011. Wednesday 2nd of October 2013. A pivotal day of our tennis careers – trials day. We came in our thousands

(fair enough you’d have thought many of them were still pissed from the night before according to their low standards) but the passionate few shone through and were invited to call backs. Antoine and Dom took a mere 3 hours to finalise the team, whereas Krista had the girls on edge all week to release final results of the women’s first team. It is clear that Lonsdale is the least favoured college not only by us Bowlanders, but also by the tennis captains – where only one or two members of the entire team belong to Lonsdale college (no surprise there). Chris Blackburn had taken it upon himself to take on the role of social sec. This is a difficult role to fulfil as organising social events around our intense training schedule can be challenging… so even at our socials we like to keep an element of the sport involved by playing beer pong championships (soon to be the next big grand slam). Antoine kindly donates his luxurious bachelor pad and the rest of the team does a good job in destroying it. The Bowlanders tend to bring all the fun to pre drinks with Ollie chundering after ten minutes of arriving and the Cardy siblings showing a large contrast


(with sober Lee blasting Miley Cyrus and One Direction from the booming sound system whilst little sister Jemma opts for a different way to enjoy the night by spewing in bags and cups and leaving behind the evidence for Antoine to find two days later.) It’s fair to say our typical strict gluten-free athlete’s diet is well and truly fucked at our socials. On a more serious note, the first term has been quite successful with the men’s first team currently 2nd in the league, women’s team 3rd and the men’s second team standing in 4th. We hope to improve our rankings in the league table during Lent term and in the long run, would like to see more Bowlanders at the trials in October. -Ollie Wiggin and Jemma Cardy

This year has been a great one so far for the women's darts team. At the moment it appears that we are third in the league! At the end of last term we had our final game against Lonsdale and won spectacularly with a 7-0 win! This was obviously a great triumph in itself but it also meant we got a pint off our wonderful captain, Rebecca Byrne. -An Anonymous member of the Women’s Darts Team


PORTS S e th m o fr e g a ss e m a And reps...


he buzzword for anyone's time at university is OPPORTUNITY. At no other point in somebody’s life will such a diverse range of opportunities present themselves. At Lancaster, perhaps more so than anywhere else, we are lucky to have 100s of activities for anyone to take part in at different levels and within numerous organisations. It is a common assertion currently that a degree is not enough in the graduate job market. Employers want that extra dimension to their employees which show they have substance outside of a learning environment. And this is why opportunity is key. A buzzword for a new year is RESOLUTION. Most forward thinking and progressive people, which as students I would hope the majority of you are, look for ways to improve and bet-

ter themselves. Hence the concept of New Year’s resolutions, that one promise people make every year to improve or change their life in some way. What have these points got to do with anything? Well, in Week 2 of Lent Term every year there is an event called Refreshers. Its purpose is to show you the opportunity you are missing out on by showcasing the range of activities and societies available at the university. By doing this it is hoped that by capitalising on that resolution you made when the clock rolled 12 on New Year's Eve to better your life in some way, that you would take up something new and exciting. Squash or Aikido anyone? And why as Sports Reps should we care about this? Well here's the hope that you decide to take up a new sport

and are actually really good at it. If so, when Founders comes knocking, you'll be our new best friend. So if this inspirational little number has done its trick, and you perhaps didn't make use of Refreshers week, well it's never too late. Explore what we have available at this university and give something new a go. Much Love, your sports reps. Alice and Jordan

WEEKLY TRAINING TIMES NETBALL (on the courts) ......Monday 7pm-8pm and Thursday 5pm-6pm FOOTBALL (on the astros) ....Monday 5-6pm and Friday 6-7pm WOMEN’S DARTS (in Bowland Bar) ......Wednesday 5pm or Thursday 7pm MEN’S DARTS.......Sunday 6-8pm WOMEN’S POOL (in Bowland Bar) ........Sunday 6pm-8pm MEN’S POOL (in Bowland Bar) .....Tuesday 6pm DOMINOES (in Bowland Bar) .........Monday 7pm For more information, contact Jordan Marsh ( or Alice Hall (a.hall3@lancaster., your Sports Reps



Still don’t have accommodation sorted for next year? These student reviews will help you decide whether to live off campus or in halls.

Ash house

“Ash has a huge variety of people and personalities crammed into two flats of twenty five people per floor. Before I came I was wincing at the thought of so many people per kitchen, but it was without doubt Ash House’s biggest asset. There was always someone to chat to, go out with, study with, cook with, chill out with... Or for a fair few of us, get indescribably off our faces! Sad to see it go: RIP Ash!” - Jack White “Having lived in Ash in first year and this term I can think Ash is the a unique experience - there’s an array of characters from different cultures, religions and countries. It’s the best place I’ve ever lived (even with the salmon pink walls!) The friendships I’ve made, memories created and lessons I’ve learnt shall never be forgotten. RIP Ash House!” - Colin Crossan


“Bowland Annexe has more than 50 basic standard bedrooms with roughly 25 people on each floor. The bedrooms are not as modern or as big as you’d probably like, but they are good enough to provide comfort and practicality. There are two kitchens per floor, well furbished with everything you need, as well as two toilets blocks of good quality, one for men and one for women. C floor is provided with catered accommodation meaning that everyday we go to Refuel where breakfast and an evening meal is provided. Besides all these factors, Annexe is close to all the main buildings which gives you a little extra time to sleep in the morning. The best aspect about living there is the amount of people. It may strike as a disadvantage but it actually plays to its strengths because although you don’t have the best looking accommodation, you meet a lot of different people who find ways to make you feel at home.” - Madalena Larcher de Resende


“My first impression was positive - actually much better than I anticipated from the pictures I’d seen. Having said that, I was a bit surprised at how short the curtains are... I have an en suite but I won’t be bothered about having it if I remain on campus. I like how near Bowland accommodation is near to the main things like the gym and Subway. I also like how Bowland Halls looks. One downside is that if your room faces into the courtyard area you’ll hear absolutely every word from outside.” - Julia Sammons “I lived in Bowland Halls, where I would much prefer to have a bigger kitchen with a cheaper rent than an en-suite.” - Shannon Regan



Bowland Main

By Cara Pinder-Emery

As the sky sits heavy on the stretched out landscape, my eyes wander across the horizon. Black hedgerows decorated with trees, their arms empty. Below, a seagull swoops. Strong back, wings cutting the air. Another joins and they dance, swinging like puppets on string. Twelve floors down and the busy hubbub carries on without me. Little people rush or stroll across the square. Here a couple, hand touches hand. There, three lads, push each other, joking. Someone discreetly overtakes. Their bodies, not their clothes or words, show me their feelings. Something moves, my eyes refocus, the silhouette of the wind turbine appears in the glass. Round and round. A meditative figure.


“Slaidburn. It’s that building next to Spar that no one realises is there. It’s like The Leaky Cauldron of Lancaster University (if you haven’t seen Harry Potter then this will be lost on you - that’s your problem.) The great thing about Slaidburn is we have our own Olympics, including the space hopper challenge. The worst aspect of Slaidburn would have to be the tropical conditions and the tiny kitchens. But... SOLO: Slaidburn only lives once. Yep,we’re those people.” - Beth Littlewood

Tower & Slaidburn


“Bowland Main was my first choice of accommodation: I liked the idea of sharing a kitchen with eight others as I love to be sociable and I thought it would be the best way to meet new people and make good friends. I got all that and more. I expected all the flats to stay independent of each other but the complete opposite happened; the entire of Bowland Main, I feel, has united and bonded (mainly through drinking games in freshers week) and it’s refreshing knowing that there is always someone around to talk, laugh or confide in. Living in nicely refurbished accommodation made the change to university life so much better. I like the freedom of non-catered accommodation, because I’m not restricted to certain meals at certain times. It allows me to eat with my flatmates when they cook flat meals, and overall it has saved me money.” - Georgia Barker


“After living on and off campus, I decided to return to campus for third year. I found that you will never find the same sense of community and belonging as you do on campus.” - Colin Crossan “I love living off campus, especially because we have a living room and a bath, but it has been much more expensive than first year as I’m always running out of food and going to the chippy or Subway. We have private landlords who are great and are usually quick to come and fix stuff. The only problems are slugs visiting (ew) and the fact that we can’t have locks on our bedroom doors (causing problems with contents insurance). Also, after signing a joint tenancy as we all trusted one another not to drop out of the contract. One of our group did, meaning that we have been threatened with paying their rent and being taken to court for it so avoid signing a joint contract! Due to this, I only have 2 flatmates, so some days I don’t really see them if everybody is in/out of the house at different times.  I’m living on-campus next year though - it’s much more convenient.” - Shannon Regan


Bah, humbug!

Georgia Barker tells us about her disasterous Christmas Christmas, as we all know, is the perfect time to chill out by the fireplace, have a few drinks and in general, RELAX! However, this was not a reality for me and my mum this year.... For years my family has cooked our huge Christmas dinner on the 24th December, which for us, works out better than cooking it on Christmas day. This year was just the same as the rest, except for the added grandparents that also needed feeding. We were cooking a 9lb turkey for 10 people in total, and more importantly, we were ready for the challenge. As the clock striked 11 the turkey was put in the oven, and for the first

hour everything went well. That was, until disaster struck! There had been a power cut. Five minutes later, after routing around in the cupboard to switch the power back on we were back in business, or so we thought. An hour later my mum and I went to the kitchen to baste the turkey again when, to our horror, we realised that the oven wasn’t at the temperature it was displaying. “Oh no” we cried, as we stared at our broken cooker, on Christmas day. “What do we do?”, we both wondered. We know, we’ll quickly drive up to my Nan’s to use her oven.

3 cocktails later, (the drinking aspect of Christmas remaining) we were smiling, laughing and using every kitchen gadget we had to cook the remainder of the meal. We had got through our Christmas disaster! We endulged in 3 courses with all the trimmings - and there was plenty of food to go around too! Crisis averted and a Merry Christmas was had by everyone.

Written by Georgia Barker

It wouldn’t be Christmas without a funny story to tell! “The stockings got mixed up, so I was confused to open a ‘Hollywood babes’ calendar, whilst my brother wasn’t too happy to get ‘Hollywood hunks’!” - Ellie White “I found out that my sister genuinely thought Bing Crosby’s name was Bean Crosby.” - Tansy Wickham-Pusey

“My sister found out that Justin Bieber was retiring just as she opened a Justin Bieber towel which she began to cry into... it was too much to handle at 6am!” - Kady Elliot “My Nan’s dog (half blind and riddled with various illnesses) shat all round the dining room, just as we’d finished our starter on Christmas day!” - Beth Thomas


A more modern Christmas Jake explores the meaning of Christmas in today’s society... Christmas lies dormant. As we now plough on into February, to the loneliness of Valentine’s Day, we can reflect more clearly on the long distant ‘season to be jolly’. A period of roughly eight weeks beginning with Advent, reaching the high zenith of Christmas on the 25th, painfully extending way into the dying seconds of January 6th, where it refuses to die gracefully. It hibernates all year round, gorged on nuts, growing in strength. This bizarre time of year poses those who celebrate it the mysterious question: what exactly is the meaning of Christmas? It’s a time that’s notoriously difficult to define and strangely, a time of opposites: the contrast of drunken revelry and painful hangovers, the disparity between the relaxation of the Christmas holidays and the stressful demands of accommodating family members and the distinction between the memories

of the past year and the promising starts of the one to come. The most obvious reply that should account for the 59% of the UK that classify themselves as Christians, is often overlooked nowadays. Undoubtedly, Christmas was originally a religious celebration which had changed hands between the pagans’ Sol Invictus (unconquered sun) and Christianity’s birth of the messiah. However, many consider this to have become a more diluted, peripheral theme in modern times. This begs the question; does the original message of Christmas still have a place in today’s modern society? Perhaps it is the annual culmination of everyone’s efforts in work, school or study accompanied with the long-gone summer and the shortening days that are such cause for celebration. But present disillusionment with


commercial furore that has begun to embody our twenty-first century Christmas, has insidiously started to taint modern perception of the national holiday. I would certainly agree that Christmas is a maddening time. Indeed, it’s a time of year that ruins seasonal singles that were previously considered passable, it places incompatible people in a near-unbearable proximity whilst there is crap-but not-quite-bad-enough-for-snow weather. It drains the funds, time and energy of everyone concerned. But the true meaning of Christmas is much more personal. And that’s exactly it: it’s a personal time. For me, it’s spending precious time with the close family members I love. Even if this time is spent in a stressful madness, it is still valuable time spent together.

Written by Jake Housell

Christmas on campus

Here is Chandler’s rendition of Christmas at Bowland College, Lancaster University

Christmas Market

Mulled Wine in Bowland Bar

I saw Santa leg it to the loo; but I didn’t follow. And it was like twenty minutes before he returned. Bless him.

I down the second glass of mulled wine. Vivid, illuminating, obnoxious images filled my mind, a bit too much in fact. Angles danced around me with their chubby bums out, white, like the page of an essay I meant to write that morning. Surprisingly soft was the touch when I pinched it. It squealed. I giggled.

We cuddled on his lap (sharing with my mate, one leg each), in his arms (same notion applies). I could feel his tingling beard tickle my cheeks white with frost. In comparison, his cheeks were pinker than the salmon walls of Ash House. I wonder how red his cheeks turned after he finished the glass of whiskey (water of life), placed on the table by my friend’s sister, especially for him, with love, xx. What a merry Christmas for you, old scumbag. Anyway, suppressing my bursting desire to spit my chewing gum on his beard, I said to him: “Merry Christmas, Santa, I’ve always believed in you.” Then he gave me a look as if he didn’t remember his own existance until I reminded him. Age. “Merry Christmas, do you want a gift?” I nodded. He handed me some Fruit Pastilles. Santa, you old bastard. I don’t like sweets. But I still love you.

Bowland Halls on Sundays, drawn by Chandler

Everything was whirling around me. Guilt punched me for missing the lecture. Linguistics. I punched back and told it to pipe down. A voice screamed in my ear for another glass. Mischief showed me visions of me untying my friends’ laces. Long-suppressed wilderness was on the edge of being unleashed, barking, threatening and smirking. Stress. Libido. Urge to pee. Frustration. Anticipation. Depravation. Corruption… Vacation. Bang-Bang! The room shook and everything ceased whirling, dust floating in the air. Vacation. I repeated the thought again. And everything vanished. Everything: walls, bar, TV, sofa, smells of wine and mince pies, noises of laughter, touch of the wooden floor beneath me…everything. Emptiness pervaded. And suddenly remembrance hit me: I am to stay over the holiday, alone, on campus. But surely it wouldn’t be that different if I imagine every day to be like Sunday morning. No, I’d rather not. Shuddering in fear, out I cried: “Someone!” An echoless silence replied. Then I stood, and started to pee.

Written by Chandler


Like Miley, you think you can’t stop, because the shame of giving up will shadow out the sun. And you can’t continue because it’s literally killing you.


Why make ‘em if you break ‘em?

I think old sayings are great. I don’t know exactly what it is, but they have that sort of air of passive aggressiveness to them that you’d find plastered on the walls of rehabilitation centres or prisons, and that’s kind of an art form in itself. I like “Spare the rod and spoil the child.” because it’s unrelentingly vicious. “The apple never falls far from the tree”: this one I can definitely see being said at the end of a tea-time murder-mystery, just before Angela Lansbury freezes in laughter. “Anne Hathawill, Anne Hathaway”. Biblical. But the most accurate proverb at this time of year is probably the one about the road to hell being paved with good intentions. Because that one is about failure.

You’re lucky if you’ve survived Christmas. You’re in the minority if your family haven’t constantly argued about the Christmas special Doctor Who. You’re living the dream if everyone’s had a good day and enjoyed themselves. So I find it odd that, to ruin it, we decide to look inwards for more problem areas to complain about. I already worry about so many things; I don’t need a New Year’s resolution to worry about as well. And neither do you. New Year’s resolutions don’t last.

The most popular resolution is to lose weight because obviously we’re all too fat and don’t deserve love. If you’re the kind of person who enjoyed P.E. at school, or are just generally painfully energetic, then fine, lose weight and tone up. But if you’re a someone who stays in bed until 3pm on a weekend, drinks from the bottle and pasta is the entirity diet, then ask yourself why you’re doing it? Because the feeling of that inevitable failure is going to be upsetting and you don’t need that. You’re better than that.

Like everything , exercise seems like a great idea right up until you actually start to do it. When the hard work starts you’ll realise you’re in too deep and you’ll begin to regret absolutely every decision you’ve made up until this point.

Most people will have started and given up on their resolutions by now: well done to those people. But if you’re thinking it’s not too late to start and maybe thinking about getting a running partner, you must stop in your tracks immediately. Nothing good ever comes from fitness, especially because it requires effort. I’ve looked, you can’t order effort on Amazon. Sometimes I look at the boxes of biscuits scattered around my room and I decide very firmly that my life is a joke and I’m not laughing anymore. I’ve become the burden at this feast of plenty; the grandmother at Christmas who’s told she should take it easy and put her feet up because nobody wants her ruining the potatoes; the guy who can’t throw a ball but has to be on the rounders team to keep it fair. And all this is quite devastating, but then I remember that feeling stick-thin and pathetic is only temporary, empowering 80s music is forever, and that’s how I get through the day. I must have had self esteem for a good 12 minutes once. That ship has long since sailed, but at the time I was high on life. I could master canoeing. I could command the respect of my peers. I could do anything I wanted, and I guess that’s how accomplishment feels. So I can definitely see the appeal of aiming towards a goal, but I think that if you’re the stubborn-foolish kind and you’re going to attempt a resolution, they should be at least attainable. Nice abs are great, but so is going to bed before midnight. Don’t work on your biceps, wash up more often. You’re already beautiful, so instead maybe read fiction books this year. Work on your personality over your look. People will forgive an extra stone for charisma. Don’t aim for the stars because you’re not going to get off the ground. Set little goals often and reward yourself regardless. Don’t forget, “giving up is always an option,” and I’m behind you one hundred percent.

Written by Connor Pickersgill


Bookworms, listen up. Charlotte gives us her perspective on John Green and David Leuithan’s novel Will Grayson, Will Grayson... Will Grayson, Will Grayson is a stand-alone novel written from the perspective of two different teenage boys with the same name, who happen to coincidentally find each other on a mutually lonely night in Chicago. Every odd chapter is narrated by John Green’s character while the even ones are taken by David Levithan’s. Will Grayson, Will Grayson primarily explores human relationships: the two Wills and their respective friends struggle to make sense of life and love in high school, in the build up to the biggest school musical of the century. The plot is very simple and somewhat predictable at times, but it is the way that everything is executed which truly gives the novel life. The characters are the real driving force behind the entire premise and, in my opinion, a strong cast overrides a complex plot every time. The pace is perfect and the chapter system works to build mini cliff-hangers for each Will - I was always left wanting more. Green’s style, as always, is emotional and philosophical yet somehow

feels right in the mouth of his teenage lead, a somewhat awkward 16 year old who is often outshone (and embarrassed) by his tall, fat, gay, lifelong best friend – the ironically named Tiny. Green’s Will feels more mature and constant compared to Levithan’s. However, he still has a lot of room to grow as he takes on the mammoth task of learning how to handle Tiny, after 16 years of standing in his enormous shadow, alongside falling in love for the first time. He is sharp, funny and geeky – a classic Green protagonist who feels familiar enough to be instantly likeable but still new enough to make for an interesting read. Levithan’s Will drew out a range of emotions from me; he is both hilarious and horribly depressed. Levithan’s honest depiction of a teenager dealing with depression was powerful, especially when showing the effect on friends, family and partners. What I found most refreshing, compared to some other depressed characters in literature, is that Will is still a whole person, fully rounded and capable of other emotions other than sadness. He


is funny, he is kind, he is mean: he is human. I found Levithan’s Will in all his ways to be a highlight of the book, as he is such a different character compared to the types I usually encounter - I couldn’t help but love him. There is no other word for this novel than heartwarming. A departure from Green’s usual heartbreakers, Will Grayson, Will Grayson is completely uplifting and hilarious. The way it discusses love, depression and friendship is completely honest, upfront and true to how real life feels as you stumble your way through high school.

Charlotte Parker – booklahoma.


Beth Moore reviews ‘American Hustle’


irector David O.Russell has really pulled out all of stops with his latest movie ‘American Hustle’. Set in the late 1970’s and (very) loosely based on an FBI sting the movie is bursting with action from the very beginning as it opens with a scene which is pivotal to the sting operation and then transgresses to the beginning of a tempestuous sexual relationship between two conmen, Irving and Sydney. Although Irving (Christian Bale) is slightly balding and perhaps a little overweight, the gorgeous Sydney (Amy Adams) soon falls in love with him with O.Russell cleverly using voice overs from the two characters to narrate their initial infatuation with each other and grab the attention of his audience.

government. Reluctantly Irving and Sydney agree and this is the moment that the movie becomes really gripping.

Without giving too much away for those readers who have yet to see it, Irving and Sydney become conmen together whilst continuing their relationship – behind the back of Irving’s attention starved wife - until they themselves are conned by an FBI agent. In exchange for Sydney’s release from prison the pair are told by FBI agent Richie DiMaso (Bradley Cooper) that they must help bring down some of the corrupt figures in the American

As well as the casting and screen play of the movie being fantastic, this review cannot go without mentioning the soundtrack and costume. The soundtrack is packed with great musicians from the late 1970’s and early 1980’s including the Electric Light Orchestra, Wings and Elton John. As well as the soundtrack being of very good taste, the timing of the music is very spot on and this brought a lot of feeling and atmosphere to O.Russell’s

Following their decision to help DiMaso, the movie progresses towards the dramatic opening scene but not without heaps of drama in between as Irving’s betrayal of his wife is revealed and Sydney seeks to destroy the relationships of DiMaso. Irving’s wife Rosalyn is played by the extremely talented Jennifer Lawrence who delivers a perfect portrayal of the neglected drunk wife who can’t help but fight for the attention of her disinterested husband. Rosalyn’s character arguably creates most of the drama in the movie but she is loveable none the less.


portrayal of the screenplay. As for the costumes, they are also very well chosen with all of the female characters looking extremely glamorous whilst the male characters brilliantly carry off slightly ugly yet smart seventies business attire. Through the use of soundtrack and costume O.Russell creates a great seventies atmosphere throughout the movie and it is hard to believe that it has been filmed in the 21st Century. Ultimately, the film ends with the FBI themselves being conned making it hard to decipher the message behind the movie as at one point it seemed that O.Russell was trying to portray the idea the corruption leads to ruin and that this is bad. However it may be seen that the screenplays real intention is to warn of the dangers of too much power and the belief that an organisation or person can be invincible. After winning three Golden Globes, and having seen the film myself, it can be comfortably predicted that American Hustle is set to become a cult classic as it is definitely one of the best movies – if not the best – of the 21st Century.

Kieran Brehany reviews ‘The Secret Life of Walter Mitty’ Ben Stiller returns with the cheerful tale of a man who trades his uneventful life for one of risk and spontaneity.


ased on James Thurber's short story of the same name, this film introduces the life of Walter Mitty (Ben Stiller) - an unremarkable, middle-aged man living in New York, who often departs from the monotony of day-to-day life into day dreams. Within such fantasies, Mitty may rescue animals from burning buildings, or simply talk back to his office superior-cum-bully played by Adam Scott, who adopts a similarly self-satisfied and antagonising role to that of his character in Stepbrothers. However, when Mitty's 16 year career at LIFE magazine is threatened, he finds his need for escapades into the dream world wanes as reality becomes


his primary source of thrill. Spurred on by the film's love interest Cheryl (Kristen Wiig), Mitty embarks upon an adventure in search of the mysterious figure of photojournalist Sean O’Connell (Sean Penn), encountering volcanoes, sharks, and a drunken brawl to the sound of the Human League in the process. Removed from the claustrophobic confines of New York City, it is with the striking backdrop of Greenland and Iceland that the second part of this film effectively uses Mitty's escapades to develop his character into not just an adrenaline-seeking risk taker, but a genuinely likeable protagonist whom the viewer follows on his journey all the way to the Himalayan mountain ranges. Although some scenes can become a little saccharine, it should satisfy those looking for the light and comic entertainment which director Ben Stiller has previously

revelled in, as well as touching upon more thoughtful issues such as the death of the protagonist's father during his youth, who desired for his son to explore the world. Aesthetically, it is captivating. From the slick title scenes and graphics utilising the urban environment of NYC, to the lush Icelandic valley through which Mitty longboards, the cinematography of this film is certainly one of its superior elements. Complimented by an uplifting soundtrack featuring Arcade Fire, José González and David Bowie, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty features some moments of genuine comedy and emotion which, if you allow reality to be suspended for an hour or so, can prove an enjoyable if slightly predictable experience.

Jess Brown reviews ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’

corsese’s new venture sees the rise of Jordan Belfort (played by Leonardo DiCaprio), a small time New Yorker who seeks to make his fortune on Wall Street. Belfort’s transition from naive young stockbroker to arrogant, drug-addled playboy extraordinaire is seamless. His dabbling quickly turns to dependence and will ultimately lead to his downfall. The film is a typical rise and fall narrative. Belfort is a flash in the pan, enjoying his elevated status but unaware that his demise is never far away. The film is the perfect example of a sensorial bombardment. As a spectator we are thrown into the midst of chaos,

the centre of the bear-pit. Various scenes employ tracking shots, navigating us through rooms of debauchery and wild orgies. We see Belfort addressing us, narrating his cautionary tale to us. This is in keeping with his demeanor, his aggressive sales strategy. He wants to sell his story to us. The films mood volleys wildly from one mood to another, from moments of unbearable tension to hilarious exchanges (“yeah they’re bald from the eyebrows down!”). These tonal ruptures could be unsettling but they are woven together so seamlessly that it seems completely natural. DiCaprio’s character should be un-


likeable; he is addicted to all manner of vices, is unfaithful to his wife(s) and has a foul temper. This perverse allegiance is surprising, but all the aforementioned shenanigans are punctuated by moments of tenderness on Belfort’s part. Memorable scenes being DiCaprio saving the life of his vice-president as he chokes on a piece of ham and giving a passionate speech about his love for the company he nurtured. This is a character that embodies a number of complexities, a character guaranteed to spark debate and divide audiences. The film is a triumph, a must-see. Incredibly funny, engaging, shocking and thought provoking in equal measure.

Successful Girls Ellie Pritchad talks you hrough how to achieve your dream career “I am not a product of my circum- so we have to be realistic with our stances, I am a product of my deci- career ambitions. sions.’” - Stephen Covey Once you have your goal in mind, The question on every student’s lips you need a plan. Visualise yourself in your dream career and work out is the same. How do you achieve what you need to do to get there. your dream career? How do you Imagine yourself achieving your succeed in it? I’m not saying I hold goal, but don’t focus on that goal all the answers to these questions, too much. The more you daydream but if you follow these basic steps, about that final result, the more you you’ll soon be on the road to sucneglect your steps to success. Break cess. down the route to your ideal career into steps. For instance, if you want First and foremost, the best way to become a more successful person is to be a photographer you have to to have self-confidence. You’ll start create a portfolio of work, go to photography classes, and discover a succeeding when you believe you way to promote yourself. Completcan succeed. ing these small steps will carry you to your final goal. Secondly, stop procrastinating! We’re all guilty of this. No amount Last but not least, give yourself of watching the EastEnders omnideadlines in order to complete each bus is going to aid the completion step of the journey towards your of your novel. Snapchat isn’t going dream career. to finish your essay. Laziness isn’t going to get you a degree. Only you can make yourself work to achieve Quick Tips To Be Successyour ambition.


Finding the right career path for you can be a lengthy process, and not every career that takes your fancy will be appropriate. At the age of five, I wanted to be a vet. Now I faint at the sight of blood, needles and have developed an allergy to cats. Sometimes our plans just won’t work out and that’s okay. We can’t all be actresses and models,

· Always ask when you don’t understand something · No question is a stupid question · Believe in yourself · You will only succeed if your heart is in it · Look for reasons why you can instead of looking for reasons why you can’t · Hard work pays off!


Success and careers are definitely something to pride yourself on, but remember girls, there’s more to life than success in business. Real success isn’t about having the most money or the best career; real success is being the best person you can be, whilst showing love and compassion at every opportunity. Let’s make it our new year’s resolution to be the best we can be and achieve our goals. So get to work, girls!

Written by Ellie Pritchard



Organisation Vs. Procrastination -by Jem Tarbah

o, it happened again. You said it wouldn’t this time, but it has.

Remember when you said you were going to be really organised during your time off? Make essay plans, do your readings, save the world etc. Well, likelihood is that none of this was achieved and, in fact, all of your Uni work sat full of hope, yet untouched, in the corner of your bedroom for four solid weeks. Fair enough it was the holidays and instead of learning things you have been far too busy napping, watching any film starring Ryan Gosling and drinking so much alcohol that you're not even sure whether you're still drunk now (wait, actually, was that just me?) But, unfortunately for us all, the time has come. It's not the holidays anymore and it is in fact the night before your essay is due, or maybe it's two nights if you're VERY organised. Have you started it? No you have not. Now, admittedly, this does not apply to the vast number of students who are actually doing Uni properly and these are a group of people who I am both extremely jealous and in complete awe of. You guys will probably run the world in the future. However, there are the select few students that are very familiar with the dreaded 'night before essay existential crisis' and the harrowing experience of staying in the library long after the sun has abandoned you. I am definitely one of those students.

For us it seems that even when the time finally comes and you have succumbed to the pressure of the deadline, you STILL choose to procrastinate to the extreme until eventually you just think 'maybe I won't hand this one in. It can't be that bad'. Obviously you immediately realise that you're not stupid and also too scared to actually break rules so you have to do it... Your laptop is open though and Word has been clicked so you're doing well. But, instead of anything productive occurring you likely sit and scroll aimlessly through your Facebook newsfeed and silently judge everyone you have ever met, then proceed to laugh aloud at pictures of happy goats on twitter (wait, no, is that one just me again?) But every now and again you have a quick glance down and see the little word icon is still there, waiting in anticipation for your insightful words of wisdom to be imparted upon its lovely blank pages. After a while the guilt will seep in and you have to give in because you know that deep down you really need to start soon. People disappear and the sun goes down, maybe it comes back up again mid essay (been there). You drink coffee whilst thinking about the amount of pints you deserve for all this effort. But, by some sort of miracle, you see you're getting closer to the word count and life is looking up once again. Then, after what seems like a lifetime, the most beautiful moment arrives


and your masterpiece is complete; well 'masterpiece' is going a bit far but at least it makes semi-sense and you've used to really long words. Hand it in and you will instantly feel like dancing Tom from 500 Days of Summer style. I recommend you don't though because people might stare. But just imagine if that essay had left your hand more than 20 minutes before the deadline and it was actually your best piece of work. Why do we put ourselves under so much pressure and leave it until the last possible second for no apparent reason? People who say they work well under pressure (me) are most likely just pro-procrastinators and they know it. Dropping an essay in the box and knowing that it is actually the most well planned, articulate thing you could have written must be amazing as opposed to one in which you wrote 'u' instead of 'you' three times and missed an embarrassing amount of punctuation because you were sleep deprived and high on Haribo. I've decided that, this term, I'm going to finally become good at organising and become not so good at sleeping and cleaning my keyboard as a distraction. I've bought a 2014 diary and everything. Although honestly I did write this solely to avoid another essay so maybe I will never learn. I know for a fact it's not too late for everyone though! Good luck this term and HAPPY ESSAY WRITING.

Thespian Transformation -by Kieran Baker


ver wondered what life is like in a theatre group? Well come along and join LUTG (Lancaster University Theatre Group)! Auditions have now taken place for this term, but there is nothing stopping you getting involved! Auditions for next term will be around the weekend of week 1 so like our Facebook pages below to keep up to date! Even though you can’t act in any of the shows this term, you can still get involved in many ways! One opportunity is to partake in the chorus for this years musical collaboration of “The Producers”! The musical collaboration is 3 societies merging together to create a fantastic show! It’s a collaboration of LUTG, ULMS and LUDans! If you are interested then get in touch via contacting LUTG! As well as this, LUTG also run a open mic night (date TBC), a 24 hour play (you guessed it, we plan, write and put on a full show in 24hours!), and various socials! All of which will be published as and when on facebook! For those of you who don’t particularly enjoy the acting side of a show,

there are many opportunities to come and get involved within the backstage roles! This term’s positions have now been fulfilled; however there is still a chance to get involved with the musical collaboration in terms of backstage roles! Message myself (Kieran Baker) for more details or message the LUTG page again. One role to get involved with in the backstage area is stage management. This is a role within the production team and is certainly not a boring role! I am a stage manager myself, and it can be stressful at times (especially on the lead up to show week!) but the enjoyment and satisfaction of the final product is more than enough to want to carry on! This role involves organizing everything to do with the stage! From rigging and operating sound/ lighting to set design, and from costume designing to props sourcing! If you want to find out more about this role then come along to the backstage meeting and talk to this term’s stage managers and find out more! If you

are not available, you can still find out more information by messaging into our facebook pages! LUTG do offer the opportunity to “shadow” a member of the production team! This is designed for those who aren’t confident to take on a full time production team role, and want to learn more and get experience before doing their own show! This is a great opportunity to get involved without the pressures of actually being in charge! Sound like LUTG is for you? Then come talk to us or message us on Facebook and we will be more than happy to help and guide you!

The Beauty of Volunteering -Tansy Wickham-Pusey An hour a week. That's often what people say whilst encouraging you to volunteer. Although this may be true, I don't believe it goes anywhere near explaining the benefits and opportunities it can bring you. When I was 13 I began volunteering with The Scout Association as a part of my Duke of Edinburgh award. 6 years later I am still a volunteer, involved both in Lancaster and in my home town. Volunteering doesn't just look great

on a CV (although that definitely is one of it's most attractive benefits) it can open up a lot of opportunities as well. This summer I was given the opportunity to travel to Canada to represent the United Kingdom at an international event. During the two and a half weeks I visited Toronto, Ottawa, Quebec and Niagara Falls. I met people from all over the world and discovered so much about different cultures. My life has been changed for the


better by volunteering. I have life experience, more confidence, a purpose and have met a lot of people who have become amazing friends. And the very best thing about it is that it's absolutely free!

The Selected Poems of Bowland College

Up and down they clamber, The chrome smooth poles, Eager sacrifices to enamor, The hearts of the gods and the mortals.

An unravelling of clothing, Shrill deep drumming beats, The black leather chairs ache below, The gasping audiences, Howling to observe the unrequited treats. Twirling, And grazing, The chrome smooth poles, Shapes distorted, Limbs contorted, What prettier sight could be applauded? The ominous drumming dies down, And another sacrifice is brought in front of the crowd, A different rhythm, And their minds are driven, Into a world where spines shiver, And heart beats quicken. The dancing continues, And the twirling does so too, And hours go by, But the audiences do not blink an eye, Faster, Faster, The sacrifice, a lamb, The furnace that awaits her is in our minds, As she burns with our desires, And the desires of her gods, Nothing is left of her to hate, But so much to admire.

‘Sacrifice’ by Patrick Somervell 28

‘‘A Day in the Life of a Casual Bus User’ by Jim Balfour

I hurry down early to catch the thirty, Freeze my tits off for half an hour, My joviality soured, And watch the bus trundle up late. I stick my hand out, and wait.

I pay my fare, and, greeted by stares, Squeeze my arse next to some old git, The seat piss-wet, Minds crammed shoulder to shoulder. I suddenly feel a little colder.

The bus mounts the hill, stops, fills, With tortured pleas concealed in sighs, Eyes perusing stagnant lives, And withered hags scouting for seats. “Tough shit, love, you’re on your feet.”

And after some time, I spot a sign, and When the jovial jingle signals my relief Peeling arse from seat, I hurl myself amidst hags, sighs and stares And hop off at –I peer around –god knows where.

I’d kill for a coffee, a cup of enthusiasm, A punch of passion, a pound on the door Sliding shut above sleep-starved eyes. The tome, untamed, taunts my fatigue With a whirl of words while I wander a focus Paved more poorly than patioed backgardens; Weed-sprouting, worm-riddled, walked on by few. But a cascading comber of caffeine smacking My shores would swiftly scour and cleanse Each grotty little gap, and ghastly intrusion. Each slab of stone, slapped in brown; My unhinged head, wholesome again. Craving for caffeine I curl my fingers, And the impenetrable, impervious page of words Smiles sardonically with a smirk of jargon; But, by God, I’ll get you, you git, you bastard, I’ll cut through your crap, with coffee my knife.

‘Coffee, My Knife’ by Jim Balfour 29

Kontroversial Korner

Is it wrong to be a



et’s make this clear: no one is condoning the actions of people convicted of child grooming, child molestation etc. But I write this to spark a thought in our minds and for you to think about a subject that everyone claims to be informed of, yet few know the reality. Paedophilia is defined literally as the attraction towards pre-pubescent children, that is, those who have not gone fully through puberty (according to the NHS, for girls, puberty starts between ages 8-14 and for boys its 9-14). To be a paedophile does not mean that you have uncontrollable urges that lead you to frequent chat rooms and playgrounds, seeking out children to be your ‘victims’; no, it literally means being attracted to children who have not gone through puberty. That’s a scholarly definition and like many of you writing essays at the moment, I have done some research into this

subject. Some of us are attracted to men, others to women, some of us like older men and some of us like older women. So, is it wrong to feel attracted to people younger than you? For most of you reading this article your answer straight away would be, ‘it’s is wrong to be attracted to children!’, ‘that’s disgusting!’, ‘not natural’. Again, I must reinforce the fact that just because someone may feel attracted to a 13 year old doesn’t mean they’re going to kidnap them, take for example the ‘North American Man/Boy Love Association’, an organisation that champions mutual consensual relationships between men and younger boys. Now, you might be sitting there thinking ‘that sounds absolutely ridiculous!’, these boys must have been brainwashed if they are in a relationship with someone twice their age. But do we only think this because we see childhood as the pinnacle


of innocence? And anyone who encroaches on that innocence is termed a ‘paedo’. Again, I highlight the fact that paedophiles are simply those attracted to children who have not gone through puberty yet we can see that could be a range of ages. The real question here must be: can paedophilia be accepted as a sexual orientation? Let’s not forget that being gay was illegal in England about 10 years before this university was built. That’s not very long ago at all. So, will we see a shift in public and legal thought in the next 50 years of our lives? Will all people young and old alike be allowed to have normal consenting relationships no matter who they love, without being demonised? Only time will tell. But to talk about this topic we need to have informed discussions not just to blindly condemn something we have no clue about. -Patrick Somervell

Cheers to cocktails! Porn Star Martini

The Steamboat

If you’re looking for a nice refreshing and fruity cocktail then this is the one for you! Packed full of fruit juices and sweet vanilla alcohol this drink will keep you merry all night. Please drink responsibly!

Not sure what to ask for at Bowland Bar? Bar staff member, Emily Rutland, suggests this! They cost just £2.10, or £3.30 for a double.


- 5cl Passionfruit Juice - 1.5cl Passionfruit Syrup - 1cl Lime Juice - 3.5cl Vanilla Vodka - Orange juice - Mango juice Alternatively: Champagne can be used instead of orange and mango juice.


Shake the vodka, lime juice and passionfruit parts with ice until the shaker becomes frosted. Double strain into a chilled cocktail glass and top with mango and orange juice or if you are feeling extra fancy (unlikely, we’re all poor students) top up with some champagne for a little extra buzz.

Written by Georgia Barker

Ingredients - 12oz glass - at least 3 ice cubes - a double (50ml) shot of southern comfort - lemonade

Method Fill the glass with ice cubes and add the southern comfot. Squeeze and add two lime slices to the southern comfort before topping up with quality lemonade (we use R Whites in the bar).

Written by Emily Rutland


Cooking with your College

Miguel Sousa’s ‘The Best Fucking Tuna Pasta you’ll e ver eat’ INGREDIENTS: • • • • • • • • •



eat up the olive oil in the biggest freaking pan you’ve got and put in the onion (chopped finely), cinnamon and two tablespoons of basil on medium heat for about 5 minutes until that onion is soft. Throw in the tomatoes, tuna and salt to taste and simmer that shit for 15 minutes.

udy’s Emily-Rose Ch d Peanut ‘Chocolate an Butter Bars’

INGREDIENTS: • • • • • •

One and a half cups of oats Half a cup of Rice Krispies cereal Half a cup of peanut butter About 4 tablespoons of maple or golden syrup One teaspoon of vanilla extract 100g of dark chocolate

Olive oil (about 3 tablespoons) 1 big ass onion 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon Fuck tons of dried basil 2 cans/packets of chopped tomatoes (±400g each) 2 cans of Sainsbury’s freaking basics tuna Salt and Pepper Big 500g bag of pasta Optional – Lemon juice and parmesan cheese

5 minutes into those 15 minutes put all the pasta in your second biggest pan with boiling water. After whatever the packet tells you to cook them for (until it’s al fucking dente, drain the water (save a tiny bit for later) add that shit to the other pan with the tomatoes and stuff.

more salt and fucking basil if needed and, if the pasta is a bit dry, put a bit of the saved water in. Serve with parmesan cheese if you want/have the money to. If it’s too much food for you whimps, consider it freezing it in small containers.

Mix that shit, like Sir Mixalot would. Add in a spoon of olive oil, put some



don’t know about you, but my Facebook newsfeed this week has been inundated with friend’s statuses along the lines of “New Year, new me!” or bragging about how well they’ve stuck to their various diets. If, like me, your response to such declarations is a big “yeah, no.” then this recipe will probably appeal. It has a lot of peanut butter and chocolate in. Perfect if you really can’t be arsed to get healthy over January, and feel like making yourself a treat on the cheap.


I don’t have a set of weighing scales in my kitchen, and unless you’re really into baking you probably don’t either, so this recipe is measured in cups for your convenience. Just use a normal mug, or a teacup if you’re feeling particularly fancy.


’ ‘Currys a m o h T h t e B


ooking curry’s a lot like sex. The first time you try you play it safe, you go mild and simple. You think ‘Mmm…wouldn’t mind giving that another whirl’ and then it gradually gets crazy. You start surprising yourself, getting hotter and hotter and doing all kinds of crazy acrobatic stuff that you didn’t even think was possible… Alright, so maybe that’s not the best metaphor, but the point stands. Curry is an incredibly versatile dish

and it’s very difficult to get wrong. It’s pretty much the perfect slightly-crapat-cooking-student dish. Most leftover bits and bobs you’ve got lying around your kitchen can be chucked in at some point or another: ketchup, honey, veg that needs getting rid of...any kitchen is a potential curry goldmine. My curry ‘kink’ is leftover almonds, coconut and dried fruit, (the battle-scarred remnants of ill-fated baking crusades) which help to bulk out a dish; especially useful if you’re low on meat or you’re vegetarian.

INGREDIENTS: • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

1 medium onion (chopped) Cooking oil (1 tbsp) Garlic (One clove, crushed or 1 teaspoon of garlic paste About 400g of meat (chicken is probably easiest!) 1 Tin of chopped tomatoes Stock cube 1 medium pot of natural yoghurt (Greek can be nice) Dried fruit and chopped almonds (about a handful each) Cream coconut Lemon juice Spices: Curry powder Turmeric Ground ginger Ground coriander Chilli powder Any other curry spices you fancy

This recipe is my vague hotchpotch variation of a Korma/Badami curry. This would be the one to ‘take your curry virginity’, if we’re still thrashing out that metaphor; it’s creamy, mild, sweet and very difficult to dislike. You don’t have to use everything, (stuff like the fruit and nuts can be easily left out) and don’t be perturbed by how many spices you need to buy, they last for ages and will be useful in all cooking.

(Serves 2)

HOW TO MAKE: Marinate the meat (preferably a few hours before) in your spices, honey and a splash of lemon juice. Add cooking oil, onion and garlic to a large pan and fry on a medium/high heat, stirring lots until the onions soften. Now add the marinated meat and allow to brown (so that it looks cooked from the outside) before adding the chopped tomatoes. Stir and allow to bubble slightly before crumbling the stock cube into the pan and stirring until dissolved. Now add your spices to the sauce: a teaspoon of each and then more of whichever you’d like. Stir in one by one. Don’t worry if you accidentally go overboard here: the yoghurt we add later will work to calm down heat or over-powering flavours. Ensure that your meat is cooked before allowing your tomato sauce to reduce slightly and then turn down the heat. Now add your almonds, dried fruit, cream coconut and anything else you think might enhance your flavour. (If you didn’t use meat, at this point you should add your vegetarian equivalent: a tin of chickpeas, spinach, butterbeans…) Allow to cook for 10 minutes or so, stirring regularly. Add the yoghurt, a tablespoon at a time. Keep tasting the curry here and stop adding yoghurt when you are happy with its consistency. Now is the time for last minute spice additions. Turmeric works well at this point to add colour to the dish. When you are happy with the taste, serve with rice and experience curry-gasm.


People Watching! by Sorcha White


o, as I’m sure many of you know, our beloved Ash House has finally seen its last bunch of drunken revellers, at least for the next couple of years. But on the positive side, for those who have moved into the new accommodation, we now have one of the best past times right on our doorstep; People watching! I don’t know why it’s as fascinating a sport as it is but let’s be honest, we all do it and we all love it! It might just be me, but one of my favourite games to play when people watching is to literally come up

with their entire life story. You know absolutely nothing about them but that doesn’t stop you giving them a crippling fear of marshmallows or a passion for all things hippo related. The more elaborate you make it, the more satisfied you feel. And then there’s the inevitable couple you see walking along and you single-handedly decide the fate of not only their relationship but at least the next twenty years or so of their life. How many babies are they going to have, who’s going to have the affair, what the names of said babies will be! And we absolutely love it!

But, is it kinda creepy? Let’s face it, we’re literally just staring at random people as they pass by, and there’s no escaping the awkward moment when they make eye contact… And in that split second of awkwardness you know that they know all the things you just made up about their life and the fact that you gave them a severe alcohol dependency… (There’s always one). So next time you walk through Alex square, just be aware, we’re looking at you, and you may not know it yet, but you’re secretly super afraid of lightbulbs…

Later, with Tom Collins...

Feel like unlocking your inner performer this year? Or just fancy a splendid night of quality bar entertainment? Well make sure you come on down to Tom Collins’ evening of singing, guitar playing, poetry reading and everything else mildly artistic in weeks 5, 7 and 9 in Bowland Bar.


How BOWLAND are you? Find out if you can call yourself a true Bowlander... 1. In term one, the sports played for the Carter Shield were Unihock, Volleyball and what? A) Football B) Badminton C) Dodgeball D) None of the above 2. Bowland College has its own onesie which can be bought in the College Office? True or False? A) True B) False

B) Dean C) President

If you scored 1-3

6. Is Bowland college older or younger than the University Library? A) Older B) Younger

Who are you kidding? I mean, where have you been? You should get more involved with the college by attending social events or chatting to Welfare Officers in their office hours.

7. When was Bowland founded? A) 1964 B) 1971 C) 1977

If you scored 3-6

3. How many porters does the college have? A) 1 B) 4 C) 7 D) None of the above

8. Bowland has it’s own twitter page. To receive Bowland updates you should follow: A) @WeHateLonsdale B) @Lee4Eva C) @BowlandCollege

4. You should never make friends with anyone from where? A) Yorkshire B) Lonsdale C) Mars D) The South

9. Half of the new JCR are freshers. A) True B) False

You could have done better pal. Not gonna lie, I neither love you or hate you. You’re getting there, so push yourself by attending every event you can - it’s worth it to be a true Bowlander.

If you scored 6-10

Top job. YOU, my friend, deserve to call yourself a true Bowlander. To keep this title you must disassociate youself with any so called 10. Bowland Annexe has green ‘friends’ who scored lower than carpets. you. A) True 5. Simon Corless is the college’s Y  Y  D  A  L  D  N  A  L  W  O  B  E  H  T  G B) False what? L  W  Z  C  A  R  T  E  R  S  H  I  E  L  D  C A) Head cheerleader Y  P  A  X  B  T  W  Z  M  I  Q  S  T  G  C  D T  R  O  U  G  H  O  F  B  O  W  L  A  N  D  E G  C  H  I  V  L  F  S  C  Q  B  A  S  D  D  R I  J  I  J  J  W  O  V  X  L  K  I  X  Q  R  Z Can you find the following Bowland terms in the Z  X  M  Z  S  D  G  C  B  G  S  D  P  D  Y  Z wordsearch? T  R  V  T  R  Y  O  P  X  G  H  B  B  G  V  X B  U  E  L  A  D  N  A  E  I  P  U  I  Y  S  W ANNEXE PIE AND ALE RED C  X  G  Q  H  R  O  E  I  J  V  R  D  U  J  Q L  Y  X  V  Q  K  A  W  X  L  R  N  G  T  N  A BOWLAND TILL I DIE CARTER SHIELD F  A  W  Z  T  V  G  J  E  X  E  N  N  A  B  G T  C  M  M  J  P  J  L  B  U  B  Q  F  E  G  V SLAIDBURN LEE DUDDING S  G  A  B  M  U  C  S  E  L  A  D  S  N  O  L E  I  D  I  L  L  I  T  D  N  A  L  W  O  B  G LONSDALE SCUMBAGS D  U  H  K  M  L  E  E  D  U  D  D  I  N  G  O

Answers: 1) C 2) A 3) B 4) B 5) B 6) A 7) A 8) C 9) A 10) A


The Bowland Lady - Lent Term February Issue  
The Bowland Lady - Lent Term February Issue  

Hi there guys, thank you for checking out the online version of our college magazine. If you can't get your hands on a paper copy, then you...