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A lady in black comes to the bookshop and has a Pocket Encyclopaedia of Mushrooms in hand. The shop assistant notices her and immediately runs to her and says: “Accept my condolence, madam, the author has already corrected the mistake.”

A man in the restaurant calls the waiter: “Can you bring me one more lump of sugar?” “But I have brought you at least six.” “Yes, but all of them have melted.”

The guest asks: “What good would you recommend me, waiter?” Waiter: “The opposite restaurants.”

“Waiter, please bring me some water.” “As you wish, but would you like more in coffee or in soup?”

A new employee asks: “What are the dishes in the canteen like?” “Very imaginative – they have as many as twelve names for the same soup there.”

“Waiter, what kinds of little animals are creeping on my salad?” “You have never heard about vitamins?”

“Waiter, I have some contact lenses in my soup! “Where? I can´t see them.”

“Waiter, I have a spider in soup.” “I am sorry, sir, but we have run out of flies.”

A man shouts at his next-door neighbour: “Good morning!” So were the ready-made mashed potatoes a success?” “Yes, a big one. My husband successfully glued with them two broken mugs and today he is going to mend a vase.”

As soon as the customer sits at the table, the waiter comes and says: I am sorry, sir, but this table is reserved.” The guest looks up and answers: “OK, so take it away and bring me a free one.”

The guest in the restaurant asks: “Could the chicken be properly roasted?” “Do you think it is underdone?” “I am not sure, but it is eating the potatoes from my plate.”

“Is this the bill for my lunch,” the guests asks the restaurant owner, “or are you trying to sell me the whole restaurant?”

“Waiter, the meat loaf smells “Waiter, a fly is swimming in bad!” my plate.” “Just a minute, please, I will “Don´t worry, it won´t eat open the window.” your soup.”

A guest comes to the restaurant and orders: “Two eggs, one hard-boiled so long that it gets green, the other half raw, two burned toasts, completely soft butter and two slices of bacon raw from one side and burned from the other side. And to drink – a cup of week and cold coffee.” “I am sorry but our cooks are probably not able to do it.” “I am sure they can – they managed to do it very well yesterday.”

A guest comes to a restaurant and there is a big notice: IN CASE WE DON´T MEET YOUR WISH, WE WILL PAY YOU 500 EUROS! So he decides to try good luck, calls the waiter and orders a giraffe tongue with chips. The waiter takes the order and leaves for the kitchen. Soon after the guests can hear a lot of shouting and bad names and in the end the really upset owner of the restaurant runs out of the kitchen, gives the guest five 100 Euro banknotes and says: “This is yours sir. The idiots in the kitchen have run out of chips.”

“Hey, waiter, the schnitzel you have brought me smells with rum!” The waiter makes two steps back from the table: “And now?”

“Waiter, I am as hungry as a wolf.” “I am sorry, but we don´t have Little Red Riding Hoods on the menu.”

“How would you like your eggs served?” the waiter asks the guest. “Does it influence the price?” “No, it doesn´t, “ the waiter replies. “Ok, so serve them on top of a beefsteak for me.”

“Waiter,” the guests shows, “you have a mistake here in the menu – it says that the wine was from year 1946 but the year should have been written at the chicken that you brought me a minute ago!”

The waiter says to his colleague: “I have been waking up the guest in the corner four times!” “So tell him to go home,” the other waiter suggests. “Are you crazy?” the first waiter is frightened. “When I wake him up, he ALWAYS pays the whole bill!”

“Waiter,” an angry guest calls, “the schnitzel is very tough.” “You are right – you must bite and bite. You do know the saying A LAZY MOUTH – BAD LUCK.”

“Waiter,” the guest says unbelievably staring at the plate, “what are the black dots that are swimming in my soup?” “I am not sure,” the waiter answers, “but it could be vitamins.”

“Waiter, does the band also play to meet the guests´ wishes?” “Of course, sir.” “So tell them to play snooker till I have eaten my lunch.”

“Waiter, just a week ago we were having dinner in here in your restaurant, we were sitting right at that table at the window and our portion then was at least three times bigger than this one.” “Where exactly were you sitting, at the table? So you had a special display portion.

A guest comes to the restaurant and wants some tea. “What tea would you like – Chinese, Indian, Georgian, “ the waiter asks. “Oh well, I don´t care for politics – I´d rather have some coffee.”

“Waiter, do you happen to know, what they fed to the chicken?” “I am afraid I really cannot answer this question madam. And why are you asking?” “It is just because I would like to be that slim too.”

“Waiter,” a regular guest announces, “ I feel at home in your restaurants.” “We are really pleased to hear so,” the satisfied waiter says, “and why do you feel so?” “Both at home and here nobody cares for me and when I shout that I am hungry!”

“Waiter, I have a fly in my soup!” “And what do you want me to do – shall I get her a swimsuit?”

A wife calls at her vegetarian husband: “Hurry up and come to the table or your lunch gets withered.”

The guest in the restaurant got the bill, gets upset and calls the waiter: “Waiter! I had a portion of trout and now I can see have charged it all.” “But that is common in this restaurant.” “Aha, so in fact I am lucky that didn´t have for example beefsteak.”

“Waiter, “the guests say angrily, “the schnitzel is as tough as the sole.” “It is incredible what all you have tasted!” the waiter responds.

“Hey,” a guest is calling at the waiter, “can you recognize me?” “No sir, I have never seen you before,” the waiter replies with no clue. “You liar,” the man starts shouting, “it was me who ordered a schnitzel from you an hour ago.”

The waiter notices that one guest is cleaning his cutlery in the tablecloth and warns him: “Excuse me but don´t do it, sir. Firstly the cutlery is clean. And secondly, have a look how dirty the tablecloth is now.”

“I have found a snail in the salad. Have you washed it? “No, I haven´t. Why should I wash the snail?”

How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese.

A shepherd is sitting in front of his house when some tourist come and ask him: “Sheppard, have you got cheese?” “Yes I have but I won´t give you any.” “Sheppard, have you got buttermilk?” “Yes I have but I won´t give you any.” “Sheppard, have you got milk?” “Yes I have but I won´t give you any.” The tourists turn back disappointedly and go the steep slope down towards the village. When they are nearly under the hill, the shepherd appears on the top and calls at them: “Come back! Come back!” The tourists rejoice as they think that the shepherd changed his mind and climb the hill again. When they come to the shepherd´s house, the shepherd is sitting in front of it, takes the pipe out of his mouth and says: “And I have cottage cheese too but I won´t give you any.”

The whole family is sitting at the table and little daughter asks her mother: “Mum, mum … ?” And her mother tells her: “Not now, love, people don´t speak when they are eating.” After dinner the mother says: “So now you can tell me what the matter was:” And the kid replies: “It is over, mum – in the salad there was a cockroach.” ************ In the restaurant a guests asks the waiter: “How long have you been working here?” “For about a week.” “Aha,” the guest sighs. “So probably you are not the waiter who took my lunch order.” ************ A green grape to a purple grape: "Breathe! Breathe!"

“Waiter, what could you recommend me?” the guest optimistically asks in a cheap restaurant. The waiter´s sincere answer is: Patience and good digestion.”

“Waiter, the schnitzel was delicious; please tell the chef that I was very satisfied.” “Don´t speak so loudly – by mistake I have brought you his portion!”

“Waiter, I have ordered softboiled eggs but the eggs that you have brought me are completely hard!” “It isn´t our fault in deed. We were boiling them for 20 minutes and in spite of it, they were still hard.”

“Waiter, could you recommend me something nourishing?” asks the guest. The waiter advises: “Have fried schnitzel, sir. It will be lying in your stomach for a week.”

(In the oven)

„Light gymnastics helps against your over weight “the doctor advises. “You mean push-ups and so on?” “No, it will do a shake of the head, when you are offered something to eat.”

There are two muffins in the oven. One muffin says to the other one: 'It´s pretty hot here, isn´t it` The second muffin replies: `Help! A talking muffin! `

A cookie is running in the country and singing: "I am a cookie, I am a cookie". A hunter appears and shoots the cookie. The cookie keeps running and singing: "I am a donut, I am a donut."

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