Dishwasher to Director To Lie or Not to Lie In the Trenches Teamwork Restaurant Games
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In lieu of ﬂashRESTAURANT GAMES������������������
ing each other via ������� Waiting���������������������� , my co-workers and I ������������������� have—sometimes accidentally—created some of �������������������������������������������� the silliest, stupidest, no-one-else-could-enjoy-this������������������������������������������������������ but-servers games. It seems to be during that lull ��������������������������������������������������� period between lineup and anyone’s ﬁrst table that ��������������������������������������������������� the best games are created. p 8 ���������������������������������
THE WEEDS TYBEE SERVICE INDUSTRY
Contributor Tori Morgenstein gives us his take on losing it during a shift and how to recover! p 13 ��� ��������������������������������������������� �������������������������������������������� ����������������������������������������������������� �����������������������������������
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INSIDE Dishwasher to Director • p4
To Lie or Not to Lie • p5
Regular Customers, Cards and More Tips • p5 • p6 • p4 In the Trenches Dishwasher to Director ToRestaurant Lie or Not Games to Lie ••p5p7 InTeamwork the Trenches • p6 • p9 Teamwork • p7 Don’t Believe Everthing You Read • p12 Restaurant Games • p8 p13 The Weeds Don’t Believe•Everthing You Read • p12 • p13 The Weeds Notes From the Bathroom Wall • p15 Notes Fromand thethe Bathroom Wall ••p15 Old Man Hotel Hooker p16 Old Man and the Hotel Hooker • p16 86 Club Sandwichs / The 411 of 86ing • p17 86 Club Sandwichs / The 411 of 86ing • p17 BOH •FOHJokes Jokes••p18 p18 BOH •FOH
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PUBLISHER Webb Sanderson WRITERS Calvin Chappelle Welsley Turner Franco Joe Staler Jaclyn Cancro Webb Sanderson Rusty Odom Tori Morgenstein David Shipps Leon Falks EDITOR Maya Heegel DESIGN & LAYOUT Kevin Mackie MARKETING DIRECTOR Dave Sanderson SALES & MARKETING INTERNS Aaron Sanderson Clark Buckner PHOTOGRAPHY Webb Sanderson The content in these pages is produced for entertainment purposes only. This publication is meant to be distributed for free to restaurant industry personnel only— it is not intended for the general public. Questions and comments are welcome at
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Dishwasher to Director Calvin Chappelle
Long gone are my days as a restaurant employee, though from time to time, I do reminisce about those good times. There is an art to being a good restaurant employee and, if you follow your opportunities, you can rise to the top, like I did. I have always been of the disposition that everyone should work in a restaurant for at least one year during his or her lifetime. After you leave the industry, it gives you a new sense of appreciation, albeit mixed with leeriness, regarding your entire dining experience. I remember my ﬁrst day as a restaurant employee. I held the position of dishwasher, the lowest rung on the restaurant totem pole. One of the ﬁrst things I remember was the boss telling me, “Remember, every dish has two sides.” I am sure many a dishwasher has heard that same phrase over the years. At 15 years old, I was ready to prove my worth, regardless of my status. Before I knew it, I was oﬀered a small raise if I worked the station on my own, versus having two dishwashers. As I recall, I didn’t much care for the other dishwasher anyway, so I gladly accepted the oﬀer. Little did the boss know how seriously I would take that opportunity. All the years I worked there, they never had a better dishwasher. Aside from extremely busy nights, there was never more than one full dishpan on the rack. I ﬁlled the rest of time by scrubbing those places that nobody wanted to clean. I basically took over the entire dish area, organizing things to my satisfaction and making the necessary changes to transform the area into my own space. You would have thought I had just moved into an executive oﬃce in a high-rise corporate headquarters. While I was a highly productive and energetic worker, I also gave the servers hell. I complained about things they considered trivial. “Why would you throw half-full beer bottles in the trashcan? Don’t you realize I
have to haul that trash out at the end of the night! It’s not fun dragging that thing out with a leaking mess of stale beer and food dripping down my side!” My grumbling increased when the occasional broken bottle ripped the bag wide open or cut me to bits. I think we were all happy when I was moved up to the line to cook. You know how it works: the restaurant is slammed, someone quits, the kitchen is short-staﬀed, and who else do they call up to the line but the dishwasher? So, I was raised up a notch to fry-boy. We didn’t do just fries and onion rings, oh no. If it could be fried, we fried it, by God—and just about everything was battered by hand. And the fry-guy’s nightmare was a fried platter with a little bit of everything we could fry on it. When multiple orders of those bastards came in, the fry station became a living hell. I wonder how many of our regulars are still around today and how many died from a heart attack after sopping up all that greasy goodness. Personally, working the fry station was enough to convince me to give up fried food. It took me years after my restaurant days to be able to stomach it again. Working on the line was like a crash course in restaurant theory. In the beginning, I was always on the fryer, but on slow days, I managed to work my way up the line, learning sauté and grill. Of course there was always the prep work, too. I quickly learned that certain aspects of prep are not very desirable. Making large batches of anything can be a pain, especially when it involves making hot sauce that would polish stainless steel to a mirror shine. Our kitchen had the usual setup: fryers, ﬂattop, oven and burners, a grill, the hotline, and a window. Food was stored in a large sliding door reach-in and a meat-locker style
storage freezer. As in most kitchens, it was remarkably inadequate. For starters, we only had two fryers; when half the menu is fried food, it can make for a great bit of frustration. Then, the window was so small that you could barely ﬁt two tables’ worth of food up at one time. On top of that, the ticket rack was ridiculously small, and the servers dumped multiple handwritten tickets simultaneously. The grill was the best piece of equipment we had. It was the best station to work, too, because it put you far away from the chaos at the window. As time passed, I ended up working every station—and, like so many of us, more than one at once. For an entire summer, our back-ofhouse staﬀ was reduced to just two people. That meant doing inventory, prepping, cooking, washing dishes, and making trash runs. In the 8 years I worked there, I must’ve quit eight times, only to be convinced to come back with an increase in pay. Eventually, I earned the illustrious title of kitchen manager and all the perks that came with it: free food, free beer, and the run of the place. As the years progressed, just like any restaurant, I saw many people come and go; few of us were there for the long haul. But when the second owners sold out, I swore not to return. That was either my downfall or my ticket out. Any way you want to look at it, those days are behind me. What I miss most about the restaurant industry is the camaraderie after an extremely busy night. Having a few beers and laughing about the craziness of it all, only to return the next day and do it all over again. What it instilled in me was dedication and determination, a work ethic that I still carry with me to this day. What I learned was that the skills you gain from working in the restaurant business will stay with you and help you—whether you are running your own restaurant, cooking dinner at home, or making decisions as the executive director at a board meeting.
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To Lie or Not to Lie Welsley Turner Franco I’ve always been of the opinion that honesty is usually not the best policy and whoever immortalized that quote was an idiot, had never worked in any industry, probably never left the house at all except to go to church, and obviously never had any friends. I enjoy lying even when I really don’t have to. Usually it’s over something that I really don’t need to lie about, but I do it anyway. Hey, it adds some spice to life. Anyway, I digress... I have discovered that when it comes to food, it is usually a good idea to be honest. The standard question is “What’s good here?” God, I hate that question. Sometimes I want to answer, “Look, there is not a damn thing that’s good here and it all tastes like ass. Go to McDonald’s if you want a guarantee.” But, I bite my tongue and give people a verbal
list of choice dishes that are my favorite. If the question is more speciﬁc like, “Is the crab cake sandwich good,” I am always straight up truthful. This came in really handy when, for a reason unknown even to the cooks, the crab cake sandwich came out smelling like your feet after a double. Apparently we had gotten a diﬀerent type of breadcrumb that week and when combined with the crabmeat and other whatnot that goes into the process, it smelled awful. I was told it tasted good, but I couldn’t get past the smell to try it for myself. The smell was so bad it stank up the entire building. I actually had the table next to the crab cake table leave because they were sickened by the smell. Needless to say, I have never been a
fan of the crab cake sandwich since. We have had the problem rectiﬁed, but I can’t get over it. When people ask, I always direct them to something else. I do this whole honesty thing about food because you are stuck with these people for the next 45 minutes. Maybe more! If you lie about the food, you are done. You have to go back to your table. It’s in your section. There is no avoidance. Lying can screw you. I had an older couple that wanted to split a steak. They asked if they could have half cooked rare and half medium. I sighed inwardly knowing that even though we were slow, Drew in the kitchen delights in torturing the servers by just being a diﬃcult asshole. I told them I would ask, already knowing the answer. I did ask and got exactly what I expected:
The look of ‘you want me to do you a favor?’ I went back to my table and explained not that the cook was being a dick, but that due to health regulations we could not by law do that. What a crock that was. In a moment of, well, I am not quite sure if Drew was high and felt bad for being him, or what, but he cooked the steak as requested. Well, shit. Now, I’m stuck trying to explain this situation to my table. I ended up telling them (in a very conspiratorial way) that we broke the rules and not to tell anybody. They walked away pleased and I walked away to kick Drew in the balls for the one time he decided to come through for me. The moral of the story is thus: Lie when you can get away with it and be honest as possible about the food because food does not lie.
Regular Customers, Gift Cards, Reward Cards, Debit Cards—and More Tips Joe Staler
If you work for tips, you probably have gotten a $1.50 tip on a $20 tab because your restaurant had a two-for-one coupon in the paper the night before. On the other hand, you may have had a guy that came in late, every Sunday night, hung out in one of your booths spent a lot on expensive champagne, impressed his girlfriend, and gave you a C-note. You would rather have the latter. So when ﬁguring out where to look for a job making tips, it is important that the customers are regulars, since they spend more money and tip better. But how do you ﬁnd this out? Well think of this. At all levels of dining— fast food, full service, deli—there are tips, and you probably always want to work for tips versus minimum wage since you will make more money. You work faster and harder, and you make more money in the same period of time. It is the American dream,
at its most basic—it is the start of an entrepreneur. But don’t get me started. If you have a choice in the matter, and all things being equal, you would lean toward the employer that understands technology and rewards customers, directly encouraging regulars. Taco Mac, which has 28 stores out of Atlanta, started a beer club three years ago that has 145,000 members. When the recession started two years ago, sales went up 10 percent. More regulars drinking more beer means more tips. Denton’s and Wishbones are fast food stores. Burgers and ﬁngers. Their sales were up 4 percent during the slow down, and they attribute all of it to the rewards cards. Oh they don’t tip—well, you get the point anyway. As you probably know, all the heavy-duty, high-priced places like Stoney River and such have the frequent rewards programs because
they work, they bring in business. So this is where you want to work for your tips... unless you have ﬁve of the guys in the booth with the C-note every night. Electronic gift cards increase sales over handwritten gift certiﬁcates 3 to 1. The average is 6 percent per year. They are mostly sold in the Christmas season and are mostly redeemed in January. It is not uncommon for half of the business on weekends in January to be gift cards, if they’ve been heavily sold, which they should be. Let’s see, half of 6 percent of sales for the year coming in one month. That is 3 percent of sales for the year (in one month or 3 X 12) extra, or a 36 percent boost in sales for January. Yes, you want to be in a store that sells gift cards because January is a terrible month for sales, and you need to pay Christmas bills. Starbuck’s boosted its sales 4 percent in the quarter after 9/11
by introducing—accidently—the Starbuck’s debit card at that time. Their sales went up when everybody else’s went down, and they credit that all to the new debit card. After rewards cards and gift cards, comes the third kind of magic card: the inhouse debit card. Restaurants beneﬁt by 4 percent to 10 percent in more sales by using these cards and the tips are not just in line with sales increases, but they increase exponentially because regulars tip better. It is important to note, too, that you have an advantage in creating a qualitative relationship with a better class of clientele by using these cards because they include the client’s name and history and require (no matter how slight) a commitment to the restaurant where you serve. You should make more money by working for restaurants that understand the use and advantages of these types of technologies. Sounds like more fun, too.
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In the Trenches: My Number One Server’s Defense Jaclyn Cancro
You’ve heard the old test-taking adage, “when in doubt, choose C”. I’ve developed my own serving adage, “when in doubt, blame the kitchen.” Why not? They’re hidden in their little foxhole. Safe from the bullet-like glances of guests and the 10 percent grenade at the end of the meal or battle, depending on the opposing side’s level of hostility. They’ve never had a guest tell them they are dumb because—horror of horrors—they left the tomato on a burger (hello, dummy, pick it oﬀ!). Not to mention all those times when it actually IS the kitchen’s fault and you are still left with the stink eye. Service with a smile aside, this is the best defense we have—especially against spec’d out orders. No onions, extra barbeque sauce, add feta, sub mushrooms, put the bun on the side (are you serious?). All this takes time to ring in. At the end of my double shift, with four other whiney, needy tables, and a wicked hunger because the one meal I ate today isn’t cuttin’ it til close like I had hoped, I plum forgot that you don’t like the texture combination of onions with bread. But “I’m sorry I forgot” just isn’t a good enough excuse. Heaven forbid, I be human and make a mistake. To err is human — so they say. But “server” does not equal human. It’s possible most guests, minus those who have worked in the food service industry in the past, don’t even see us as human. We are merely a vehicle preventing their food from getting to them the way they want it. So, yes, I will blame the kitchen when something goes wrong that they can be blamed for—hell, even if it’s something they CAN’T be blamed for. It’s not out of any spiteful grudge I have against them, but it’s to save my ass from a possible upset customer and lost battle. There are a number of reasons to blame the kitchen, least of which being that they actually screwed up. Typically, an exasperated “ugh, the kitchen must have screwed up,”
follows a misring of some sort. You either forgot the cheese or gave them fries instead of whichever side they actually asked for. Rather than admit your fault and risk being labeled a bad server or having a percentage deducted from your tip, just say the guy working the oven forgot the cheese—not you... blame the kitchen. Second to the kitchen is whoever works expo that shift. In some restaurants, this is still the kitchen guys. Regardless if a plate goes out missing extra ranch, garlic bread, and all 17 condiments your guest requires to eat that burger... blame the kitchen. Sometimes the kitchen really does screw up: a burger comes out a little too rare or a steak gets done a little too well. However, there are also the times that YOU, as the server, take the temperature order wrong. At the risk of sounding redundant... blame the kitchen. What about those rare instances when you forget a table entirely? You grab their drinks and their order but never ring it in. Yes, I’ve done it. And you know that you have too. It’s horrifying. One particular instance was during a brunch shift. I had two really easy going guys sipping on Bloody Marys. We were all three enjoying each other’s company, and I forgot their order. The one guy ordered steak and eggs. It was less than an hour after we opened when I took their order and, at the very least, 20 minutes before I remembered that I had not rung it in yet. I told them that for whatever reason the grill was taking an especially long time to warm up this morning and their food was only just getting prepared at that moment. I apologized and oﬀered them whatever they would like to make their wait more comfortable, but they just smiled and said, “we’re ﬁne, Sweetheart, bring us another round.” Forgotten orders? Blame the kitchen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ungrateful. I know the kitchen is
where the magic happens. I know how much I need them. At the end of the day, though, I like to think the kitchen doesn’t mind. I scratch their back: full hands, cold drinks, ringing in 90 percent of my orders with sniper-like precision so as not to waste their time. All that so they will lay on this one grenade for me. Most of the time, they don’t even know it’s happening.
Once our shift is over, it doesn’t matter whose fault it was anyway. We all grab a beer and toast to another shift survived, another dollar made, and the family/staﬀ that makes it all worth it—or at least fun. But so help me, if your bread’s not toasted, there’s not enough dressing, there’s no feta where you asked for feta to be, or a freakin’ bomb goes oﬀ at your table: “I’m sorry guys, the kitchen screwed up... AGAIN!”
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Restaurant Games Jaclyn Cancro
to putting a day dot (you know the ones that are diﬀerent colors and label the Lemons “Saturday”) on someone’s back without his or her knowledge. There’s a mischievous spirit behind sticking some crunched up tortilla chips in the new guy’s jacket pocket while he works on the patio. But ultimately, there are three “pranks” that we’ve pulled that have each truly made my serving day. Freezing Patrick’s keys. One day, for literally no reason aside from our own conniving entertainment value, we decided to freeze our coworker’s keys. This is a prank that must be executed with a great deal of care. First of all, secretly parting a man from his keys is a feat in itself. Second, keeping him from realizing the jingle in his pocket is gone and then maintaining a straight face once he does notice, again, diﬃcult task. Finally, it is important to steal the keys early enough in the shift so that, once they are ﬂoating in a Cambro full of water, they have enough time to freeze. Once he’d ﬁnally discovered his keys, they’d had about four hours to freeze, and it took him about an hour of hot water to ﬁnally get his keys free from their icy hiding place.
Boredom is the Mother of Creation You’ve heard the phrase, “Necessity is the mother of invention.” I believe that—in the restaurant world especially—boredom is the mother of creation. Surely the person who came up with the idea to throw a giant bouncy ball into a hoop for points was not TRYING to come up with a game, they were probably just bored. Now, I don’t claim to be an expert on the creation of basketball, but I do know a thing or two about restaurant gaming. It’s Tuesday lunch, just before noon, the rain is pouring down, and the front door has yet to see a single guest pass through its threshold. You think to yourself, “It’s gonna be a long one,” when suddenly you feel a quick breeze and a whoosh past your
ear. You look up to see that a coaster has narrowly missed striking you in the back of the head. Suddenly, what was once a place for guests to place their drinks is now a Chinese throwing star, and you are no longer a server but a ninja. Yes, boredom in the restaurant world can turn several moderately mature adults into some of the most imaginative children. In lieu of ﬂashing each other via Waiting, my co-workers and I have— sometimes accidentally—created some of the silliest, stupidest, no-one-else-could-enjoy-this-butservers games. It seems to be during that lull period between lineup and anyone’s ﬁrst table that the best games are created. There we stand, anxiously waiting for the host to saunter into our section, menus in hand and guests
tailing behind. We chat about the day’s triumphs and the night to come. Suddenly, someone walks by, and my apron is signiﬁcantly heavier. “What the...?” Someone has just dropped an avocado in my pocket. Yes, an avocado. I’ve just been avocadoed and now, with said avocado in apron, I must pass the fruit—or is it a vegetable?—on to the next unsuspecting victim. Initially, the game seemed dumb, but there was inexplicable joy in dropping the avocado into someone else’s apron. Granted the life span of this game was only about ten to ﬁfteen passes of the avocado totaling in maybe 45 minutes of game play, but it was just enough to get us through. There are other games like this, but a good number of the things that entertain us at the restaurant border on pranks. Sure, there’s a level of joy
So-and-So Appreciation Day. Again, without really knowing why, we picked a coworker at random. Actually, if we’re being honest, he was chosen because we always mess with him for sucking at his job. On that particular shift, we decided to take every opportunity to tell him what a fantastic job he was doing. He got high ﬁves, accolades of “Good game!”, and smacks on the butt. At one point, staﬀ even formed a tunnel for him, as he exited the kitchen. Over the course of the shift, it became apparent to one of our managers that our little game was weeding him. Hearing that he was doing well had an adverse eﬀect on his performance. Apparently, hearing that he sucks makes him a better server, but at least we were entertained for the night. Finally, Hug Ulises Day. My favorite day. I guess it was because Ulises,
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one of our kitchen guys, was having a bad day. During lineup, our manager explained to us that it was “Hug Ulises Day”. At the end of lineup, we’re usually supposed to grab full hands, but instead we were sent to hug Ulises. After a quick search party, the entire night staff found Ulises and everyone hugged him. We made a game of it and kept score. A person could collect points for one-armed hugs, two-armed hugs and even air hugs. You got bonus points for sneakattack hugs. By the end of the shift,
Ulises was in a significantly better mood, and we were all highly entertained. Whether it’s pranking people, throwing things at people, or just plain appreciating them, there’s always a way to entertain yourself in the restaurant. There’s no thing too small or too tedious to become a game. If it gives you a chuckle, it’s worth it, at least until you get a table seated in your section. And if all else fails, just stick some fruit in someone’s pocket.
Teamwork: Cause and Eﬀect Webb Sanderson
At every job I have held, there’s always been a manager stressing the beneﬁts of teamwork. After so many years in the restaurant industry, I can see that teamwork is important to business. But what does it really mean to work together as a team, and how does a good leader establish an environment where teamwork is the name of the game? Let’s take the second part ﬁrst, the leader. It’s easy to turn a deaf ear to a mantra that’s simply drilled into your head, with no action to back it up. Some ineﬀectual managers believe just uttering (or repeatedly screaming) the word “teamwork”— or worse, the phrase “There’s no I in Team!”—has the power to get a random bunch of relative strangers to ﬁt together like cogs in a machine so that everything will run smoothly. They do nothing themselves to set an example of how a team is supposed to work. Managers should never ask anyone to do anything that they wouldn’t do themselves. Leading by example—maybe with a touch of humor to sweeten the deal— commands respect from the cogs and builds a stronger team. And speaking of cogs...
There may not be an “I” in “team,” but there is individual performance in a team eﬀort. The individual who does more than others, makes up for the individual who does less than most. If you tend to let people do things for you and hardly ever pitch in for your co-workers, now’s the time to make a change. Pull your weight and go the extra mile for your fellow workers without being asked. By its very nature, the restaurant business is about hospitality—or kindness to friends or strangers. Be kind to those you work with by lending a helping hand. Put them together, and what have you got? Most people don’t think about what teamwork really means. Some try to give the word meaning by assigning complex acronyms that require more memorization than a foreign-language chemistry exam. I like this simple one: TEAM: Together Everyone Accomplishes More. What it literally means, according to the almighty Webster’s, is: teamwork (teem-wûrk) (noun) The combined action of a group of people, esp. when eﬀective and eﬃcient.
Simply put: You help others, they help you, and everything works better. Maybe you’re not sure if you are a team player? Maybe you need me to give you some examples? OK, and to show that I practice what I preach, I’ll do so using the straightforward, redneck-comedy stylings of Jeﬀ Foxworthy:
If you pick up the cocktail napkin that ﬂew oﬀ the tray of the server in front of you... you might be a team player! If you drop oﬀ a bunch of dirty dishes in Dishland then pick up a load of clean ones and take them to the line... you might be a team player! If you roll silverware instead of gossiping on the phone while you’re taking a short break... you might be a team player! If you restock the front of the line as soon as you see it’s getting low... you might be a team player! If you empty an ashtray on the bar or a table simply because you were passing by and noticed it... you might be a team player!
If Table 16 asks you for the ketchup and you go get the bottle for them instead of saying, “I’ll tell your server”... you might be a team player! So don’t be a redneck... be a team player! OK. I should stick to my night job and lay oﬀ the comedy, so here it is straight: Teamwork means taking the time to notice things around you and taking the actions necessary to handle whatever it is, wherever it is, whenever it happens. This kind of unselﬁsh behavior will earn you lots of friends, a better work experience, and possibly better pay. Go Team! In the restaurant business, success or failure can come down to a matter of good or bad teamwork. It’s a classic case of cause and eﬀect. If employees enjoy helping each other, they have a good time while working, the time passes more quickly, the customers have a better time, they are less likely to complain and more likely to tip well and more likely to come back more often. All of this means an even better work experience for the employees. That’s a lot of eﬀect for a very good cause.
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Solar Powered Brewery
Small Brewery BIG BEERS
Don’t Believe Everything You Read Rusty Odom
People have a tendency to read into things. Whether it’s prejudice or something else, projecting expectations can get you into trouble. When you infer that people are bad or good because of the way they look, you may end up selling yourself short by dismissing them too early. I learned this valuable lesson a few years ago. And when I ﬁnd myself beginning to prejudge someone, a single day of astonishing kindness reminds me not to read too deep into appearances. I was working at an eatery and bar downtown a few years ago, and I was really getting it handed to me. It was the ﬁrst half of a double, and some sort of international scientist convention was going on. No matter
how smart these people said they were, they forgot how to calculate all the elements of the tab when billtime came. The assemblage of foreign eggheads was of varying descents, but they all spoke the universal language of cheapskate. Table after table left little to no tip. As my shift and my mind neared their breaking points, a single gentleman sat down. In an accent I had never heard before, he ﬁrmly told me that he wanted “a glass of Southern iced tea and a pasta.” “Great!” I scientist!”
As the gentleman ate his white-sauced noodles, the rest of my customers left, leaving me nothing to show for my nearly $1000 of sales. I was completely fed up—worrying more
about what I could ﬁnd as alternative work than the one man remaining in my section. Then, when I approached to ask if he would be interested in dessert, everything changed. “I bet you haven’t gotten good tips today have you?” He asked with a thick, foamy brogue. “It’s been an interesting day,” I replied. “Well here is a one-hundred-dollar bill and a twenty-dollar bill; hopefully, that will cover my food today.” To say the least, my day had just made a turn for the better. Later that night in the second half of my double, my patience was tried and my hard work justiﬁed yet again. I had a big party of about 25 college kids who were celebrating a graduation. My service to them featured lots of drinks, tons of appetizers, and about ﬁve entrees for the parents. These people seemed to have plenty of money; they were very well dressed and acted pretty established. Just outside of the banquet room, I noticed that an older man and his wife had been sitting unattended to for quite some time. I went to the server station and asked if anyone had talked to them, and no one said anything. On my way back to the banquet room, I touched base with the couple, telling them that I would be right back to get their order. The man had a grey beard that came within inches of the table and wore a set of over-worn overalls clinching his frame. His wife wore a patient smile and thanked me for acknowledging them. They looked very diﬀerent from the group in the banquet room. Based on looks alone, I surmised that my money was with the graduation party and that maybe I could get some comfort from the older couple, if I was lucky. Wrong again. The couple was only there to order dessert and coﬀee, and after just 20 minutes, they called me over as I left the banquet room. “I just need to ring this big party up, then I’ll be
right back,” I told them. “That’s actually what we wanted to talk to you about,” said the bearded man. “My grandson is in there, and he just graduated from college. We are going to surprise him in a minute, so can you just tell him that the couple around the corner took care of the bill?” I was speechless. I wasn’t even supposed to be waiting on these people, and now they were picking up the tab for everyone—and they LOVED me! The surprise went wonderfully, and everybody was beaming from ear to ear. After a few minutes, the man called me over and pulled out a roll of hundreds from the front pocket in his bruised overalls. “Thank you, buddy, you really made this a special night,” he told me as he pressed two of the hundreds into my right palm. “Thanks for noticing us.” Needless to say, this was a very rewarding day. What’s the moral of the story? Never judge a book by its cover because the book may be covering the bill. You never know who will be able to help you out ﬁnancially or emotionally when you are waiting tables—and that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.
The Story On This Page Was Written By A Server. Stories From Bartenders, Servers and Cooks Are Requested. Submit Your Story To: email@example.com If It Prints, You Make
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Tori Morgenstein The weeds. You can ask Webster or Dictionary. com. You can ask American Heritage or a botanist. You can ask, but you won’t ﬁnd a deﬁnition for what this term means to those of us who work in the restaurant industry. Even so, anyone who has ever held a tray, run some food, served a beer, or bused a table knows exactly what you are talking about when you say you’re “in the weeds.” Some people break, crumble, and fold. Others scream, cuss, and yell. Whatever your coping mechanism is, when you’re in the weeds, you ﬁnd out what you are really made of. I’ve seen rich kids beg. I’ve seen meek girls strike back with the force of God. I’ve seen the tough ones cry, and the nice ones turn cruel. I’ve heard some of the smartest people I’ve ever met speak nonsensical gibberish when I asked them if they needed help. Seriously, “in the weeds” is a no place anyone wants to be. What are the weeds? What is it to be in them? Some claim it is situational, others that it is bad luck. I’ve heard it likened to Murphy’s Law, even bad genetics. I’ve heard the argument that the weeds come on during a full moon, and that some people are just cursed by God, or gods. But seriously W.T.F. is the weeds? Well, my tab-collecting comrades, I’ll tell you: “The weeds” is a state of mind. That’s all it is. It’s a mental state we get caught up in. We get overwhelmed. It’s that feeling of quicksand—no matter how hard we ﬁght to pull ourselves out of it, we just sink deeper and deeper. It’s that feeling that just when one thing gets ﬁxed, three more things break. “What else could possibly go wrong?” we cry, and then we get the answer right in our faces. These feelings, these thoughts, these emotions... they are all in our minds. And like anything else that is in our minds, we can control it. I know what
you are thinking: You did not will that tray to fall, nor did you cause that ramekin of ketchup to slip from your hands and spill all over your customer’s nice, new, white dress. Those four tables in a row that stiﬀed you, those were not in your mind. It isn’t all in your head that the expo screws up 40 percent of the food he sends out. You didn’t just make up the fact that every time you pass your table, they make lewd comments under their breath—just loud enough for you to hear. You’re not simply imagining that your two-top needs something every 30 seconds. Of course not. That’s not what I’m saying at all. What I am trying to impart upon you is that though you can‘t control the chaotic world around you, you can control how you react to it. It is our reactions that drown us. It is our emotional responses that terminate our ability for rational, clear problem solving. I know, it sounds a little Zen, right? Well, yeah... it is. Let it go. When things are at their worst, the worst thing you can do is make it worse. It’s so simple, it’s stupid—but once you have this, you have it all. Control the way you respond to the hellacious moments our labor is burdened with, and you will never see the weeds again. You have to trust yourself—as a host, server, cook, expediter, bar-back, bartender, or dishwasher—that no matter what this shift may bring, you can handle it. You can only do what you can do; anything outside of that is out of your hands. Mistakes will always be made. We can’t control everything (myself included here), no matter how hard we try. When dealing with a job where nothing stays the same— where randomness is our bread and butter—it is not all in our hands, nor is it all on our shoulders. Get over yourselves, People. We are only as good as Nature made us. Trust in yourselves, and relax. In the
end, the job will still get done. Your freaking out about it ﬁxes nothing; it makes it worse. If you need a moment to think, then... take that moment to think. The job will only get worse if you aren’t looking at the whole picture. Let them wait; they’ve already been waiting. What’s another minute or two if it means the rest of their meal will go along smoother? Find that place inside your mind where nothing can touch you,
nothing can phase you... and you’ll never see the weeds again. Since I ﬁgured this out, I haven’t been weeded once. If the problem can’t be ﬁxed, don’t worry about it. If the problem can be ﬁxed, why worry about it? If you can remember that, you’ll be able to smile your way through a shitstorm and come out smelling like a rose.
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Notes From the Bathroom Wall David Shipps
This is the best part of Texas. (written on a wall in Arkansas!) I have taken more than it has taken from me. Pork Chop, Pork Chop, Greasy Greasy, Were going to Beat You, Nice and Easy. Psycho girls are not fun! Its 4:30 a.m. my money is spent, my time is gone. Is there another place I’d rather be? Hell no! Faygo. Everybody sing, send yo momma straight up to tha store. Tell that bitch bring home some Faygo. Been here way too many nights. So are you now or have you ever been a member of the group that would so advocate to make the world a better place? Certainly by now you know you can’t change the weather, so conﬁscate this sad umbrella from this clever little fellow.
It’s a mad world. Smoke up Johnny!! It’s your mind that creates the world. Seek not to be well known, Seek to be worth knowing. A single craft of consciousness thus conferred Trying to live life one long day at a time. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. I will get better even if it gets worse! Time is all that heals! If I were a ﬂower growing wild and free all I’d want is for you to be my sweet honey bee.
Sometimes you eat the bar and, sometimes the bar eats you. We’re all going to hell and I’m driving the bus. How we behave toward cats here on earth determine our status in heaven above. Looks good in any color! Noose not included. I like bread and butter. I like toast and jam. Because going out is better than always staying in. Don’t Repeat - - Resent! Meow! Yeah I guess I wrote that. Because I said so that’s why!
Yatta Yatta freakin Yatta! Somebody stop this room from spinning. Why ask why? Just shut the hell up! “Marrow Bay” This fog a round and rolling hand of gray On mornings born in cool paciﬁc ﬁre Do thin upon this bridal shine of day As ribbons in the breeze this warmth inspires And we are every living word Adrift here in the ﬂooding of the bay Aloft in every orbit of the bird Who calls the moon to pull the tide away The sea and the sky are joined upon this night A single rest in darkness thus assured They part again to embrace the living light
Here’s to winning at the wrong time. Inﬁltration is a state of mind. Sugar in the bowl, butter in the cup, screw her in the ass, and you won’t knock her up! Don’t look up here, the joke is in your hand. Didn’t do everything I wanted to in life. I will not tip toe through life only to arrive safely at death! Stomp loudly to oblivion! Dat’s the way I like it! To Fly: Simply throw yourself at the ground and miss. You know what? This is more fun without coke! But I hardly know him. Beer 4 bunnies. I used to let rumors do my work. They got around real well. Now they only hurt.
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The TheOld OldMan Manand andthe theHotel HotelHooker Hooker Leon FalksFalks by Leon
man (with a HUGE smile onon hishis face) said to me, minutes later I went back to the table to check I hate how some restaurant guests cancan be be so so eﬃng man (with a HUGE smile face) said to me,seven seven minutes later I went back to the table to check I hate how some restaurant guests eﬃng TheThe on my guests, and the man had his face down to to hishis “That’s very logical Leon, but you’re wrong.” pretentious. I realize that some people probably on my guests, and the man had his face down pretentious. I realize that some people probably “That’s very logical Leon, but you’re wrong.” plate eating quietly (no longer so high and mighty). know something about food and wine and how a plate eating quietly (no longer so high and mighty). know something about food and wine and how a I asked if the couple was stillstill enjoying their restaurant works, butbut I don’t walk into a hardware caught meme completely oﬀoﬀ guard. I stammered After I asked if the couple was enjoying their That caught completely guard. I stammeredAfter restaurant works, I don’t walk into a hardwareThat meal, the lady at the table said to me, “Leon, youyou store and start telling the guy behind the counter for about half a second trying to process this store and start telling the guy behind the counter for about half a second trying to process this meal, the lady at the table said to me, “Leon, supposed to to dodo that kind of of stuﬀ AFTER wewe tiptip that thethe screwdrivers areare actually hammers. Don’t jerk’s statement. Finally I very politely said, supposed that kind stuﬀ AFTER arrogant jerk’s statement. Finally I very politely said,areare that screwdrivers actually hammers. Don’tarrogant you.” askask meme a question if you are going to tell me the “Please pardon me sir. I don’t mean to misinform a question if you are going to tell me the “Please pardon me sir. I don’t mean to misinform you.” answer is wrong. You areare only going to to pisspiss us us both force fedfed wine knowledge every day. answer is wrong. You only going bothyou. you.I am I am force wine knowledge every day.I I thethe lady directly in the eyes andand with inﬁnite oﬀ.oﬀ. might be getting my facts crossed. Can you please might be getting my facts crossed. Can you pleaseI looked I looked lady directly in the eyes with inﬁnite pride responded, “That sounds very logical Ma’am, explain to me why it is pink so that I don’t misinform explain to me why it is pink so that I don’t misinform pride responded, “That sounds very logical Ma’am, butbut you’re wrong.” else?” A jerk customer tonight reminded meme of of a guy that anyone else?” A jerk customer tonight reminded a guy thatanyone you’re wrong.” was at one of my tables when I was a server at a ﬁne was at one of my tables when I was a server at a ﬁne thethe moral of of thethe story here is: is: Don’t trytry to to dining restaurant in in a well-known Nashville hotel. man was more than happy to to oblige. man was more than happy oblige.HeHeI guess I guess moral story here Don’t dining restaurant a well-known Nashville hotel.TheThe make others feel stupid just so you can feel smart. This asshole sat down at one of my tables with a commenced to feed me the biggest line of horseshit This asshole sat down at one of my tables with a commenced to feed me the biggest line of horseshit make others feel stupid just so you can feel smart. your research before youyou show your ass.ass. There gorgeous lady (she was probably hired help). I let ever been fedfed about a product I study, learn, I have ever been about a product I study, learn,DoDo your research before show your There gorgeous lady (she was probably hired help). I letI have just might be someone out there that actually them getget situated andand settled before I went over to toandand know by by heart. I learn thisthis stuﬀ because it pays them situated settled before I went over know heart. I learn stuﬀ because it pays just might be someone out there that actually what they areare talking about. thethe table to greet them. When I got there, I politely bills. don’t gogo to to a mechanic andand telltell himhimknows table to greet them. When I got there, I politelymymy bills.You You don’t a mechanic knows what they talking about. how replace a water pump. If he is worth gave them typical greeting, “My name is Leon,how gave them thethe typical greeting, “My name is Leon, to to replace a water pump. If he is worth halfhalf of of Oh,Oh, andand by by thethe way, I still gotgot a 20% tiptip from him, butbut way, I still a 20% from him, employment, already knows! I will your server evening.” andand I will be be your server thisthis evening.” hishis employment, he he already knows! it was probably because the lady MADE him tip me! it was probably because the lady MADE him tip me! couple seemed nice enough. ﬁrst they wereAs As man told version, I knew only TheThe couple seemed nice enough. At At ﬁrst they were thethe man told meme hishis version, I knew thethe only polite jovial.I eagerly I eagerly walked them throughreason reason interaction was even taking place was polite andand jovial. walked them through thisthis interaction was even taking place was wine answered lady’s questions, that could look good in front of his high dollar thethe wine list,list, answered all all thethe lady’s questions, andandso so that he he could look good in front of his high dollar after that, course) ordered a glass WhiteHotel Hotel Hooker.HeHe told that reason White after that, sheshe (of(of course) ordered a glass of of White Hooker. told meme that thethe reason White Zinfandel. man with looked Zinfandel is pink is because they take average Zinfandel. TheThe man with herher looked upup at at meme andandZinfandel is pink is because they take anyany average said, have same, Leon”. white wine, “whether it be a Chardonnay a Pinot said, “I’ll“I’ll have thethe same, Leon”. white wine, “whether it be a Chardonnay or or a Pinot Grigio” they a little wine Grigio” andand they putput a little bitbit of of redred wine in in it, it, “whether it be a Merlot a Cabernet”, that Rule number one, NEVER TRUST RESPECT it be a Merlot or or a Cabernet”, andand that Rule number one, NEVER TRUST OROR RESPECT A A“whether makes a pink color. even went that MAN THAT ORDERS WHITE ZIN!!!!!!!!! makes it aitpink color. HeHe even went onon to to saysay that MAN THAT ORDERS WHITE ZIN!!!!!!!!! they it White Zinfandel because “Sutter Home they callcall it White Zinfandel because “Sutter Home Winery thought it would a catchy name then I politely said, “Certainly, right back withWinery thought it would be be a catchy name andand then I politely said, “Certainly, Sir.Sir. I’ll I’ll be be right back with rest of the world started copying them.” wine two of you.” Before I left table,thethe rest of the world started copying them.” thethe wine forfor thethe two of you.” Before I left thethe table, I explained specials to them they would have I explained thethe specials to them so so they would have What idiot. something think about while I waited something to to think about while I waited in in thetheWhat an an idiot. service well bartender pour wine. service well forfor thethe bartender to to pour thethe wine. As As I waited bartender, I thought about whatSo So I again apologized giving misinformation, I waited forfor thethe bartender, I thought about what I again apologized forfor giving misinformation, regular menu items to suggest, and what needed to took the food order, rang it in, and then went regular menu items to suggest, and what needed to took the food order, rang it in, and then went be done at my other tables. When I got back with straight to my GM and asked her to print me be done at my other tables. When I got back with straight to my GM and asked her to print me oﬀoﬀ wine, they were quite ready order theirsome some info why White Zinfandel is pink. About thethe wine, they were notnot quite ready to to order their info onon why White Zinfandel is pink. About 10 10 food. So I suggested the Swordﬁsh for the man, minutes later she came back with a paper printed food. So I suggested the Swordﬁsh for the man, minutes later she came back with a paper printed Halibut lady, then went to checkfrom from Beringer.com explaining process, sure andand thethe Halibut forfor thethe lady, andand then went to check Beringer.com explaining thethe process, andand sure on my other tables. enough it was exactly what I had told the guy. on my other tables. enough it was exactly what I had told the guy. So So I I folded the paper up, slipped it into one of my apron folded the paper up, slipped it into one of my apron pockets, continue doing When I returned table, man (who lookedpockets, andand continue doing mymy job.job. When I returned to to thethe table, thethe man (who looked very pleased with himself) looked up at me and very pleased with himself) looked up at me and asked, “Hey Leon, do you know why White Zinfandel About 20 minutes later the entrees were ready. So asked, “Hey Leon, do you know why White Zinfandel About 20 minutes later the entrees were ready. So I delivered them to the table, made sure they were is pink?” is pink?” I delivered them to the table, made sure they were happy with what I brought them, and walked away happy with what I brought them, and walked away I love educating people. When I leave the restaurant to give them a chance to taste everything. After a I love educating people. When I leave the restaurant to give them a chance to taste everything. After a industry I will probably become a teacher. So when few short minutes, I walked back to the table and industry I will probably become a teacher. So when few short minutes, I walked back to the table and the man asked me this, I was happy to answer. I asked if everything tasted as good as it smelled. Of the man asked me this, I was happy to answer. I asked if everything tasted as good as it smelled. Of politely said to the man, “Yes sir, I do. It is due to course they had nothing but great things to say. had nothing but great things to say. politely saidmaking to the process. man, “Yes I do. Itthe is Zinfandel due to course Now they for my revenge. the wine It issir, because Now for my revenge. thegrape wine making process. It is because the Zinfandel is actually a red grape. The grape is mashed grape actually The skins grapeare is mashed withis skins on,a red andgrape. then the removed After the man told me his entrée was excellent, I with skins on, and then the skins are removed the manslid told mepaper his entrée was excellent, I before fermentation. Since the skins are on whenAfter discretely the that was printed from before fermentation. Since the skins are on when discretely slid the paper that was printed from the grapes are mashed, a small amount of tannins Beringer.com under the rim of his plate and quietly thegets grapes of that tannins under“Sir, the you rim of his plate quietly intoare themashed, juice anda itsmall givesamount the wine blushBeringer.com said to the man, might wantand to read this.” gets into the juice and it gives the wine that blush said to the man, “Sir, you might want to read this.” color.” I calmly walked away from the table. About six or color.” I calmly walked away from the table. About six or
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86 Club Sandwiches
The 411 on 86ing
Working in the kitchen is all about timing. All you cook-readers out there will feel me on this one! You are rolling food, getting through a rush. Everyone is ticking along, and the food going out looks great! It seems like the whole restaurant is singing in harmony and surely nothing can interrupt the flow.
In the fast-paced routine of a restaurant, a lot can happen while you’re ﬂapping your lips. In this “get quick or die” world, you need to get the point across instantly. Restaurant slang terms get the job done, but have you ever wondered where some of them come from?
Then you hear that “chu chu chu zeet zeet zeet chu chu zeeet” coming from the ticket printer. You watch it as it prints, hoping … it’s not that … no! Please don’t let it be! And there it is. The one menu item you hate most of all: a club sandwich. Three pieces of bread, four different meats, two types of cheese, a tomato—and it has to be in the right order. Shit! Then you remember that you are still rolling out other orders. Don’t forget the pizza you just slid into the oven, the two quesadillas and a Philly steak on the flattop, or that you have two mid-rare and a mid-well steak, three teriyaki chicken breasts, and a small order of boneless tenders on the grill. Damn. A freakin’ club sandwich! Every cook has his or her own little club sandwich to despise. Maybe yours is nachos or sampler platters. Mine is the club sandwich and has been the singular bane of my long cooking career. It just seems to me, menu items shouldn’t be that labor intensive and have a guy doing gymnastics all over a busy kitchen. It requires the flattop for the bacon, toaster for the bread, cold cuts from the line, veggies from another part of the line, and those extra-long frilly toothpicks. Not to mention a hell of a lot of room on the cutting board.
casino by the name of Danny Mears got a wild hair and came up with this harebrained concoction. Thanks, Asshole. Maybe the club sandwich wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for its unnatural ability to show up on a ticket at the worst of weedy moments. In thirty years of cooking, I can’t remember one time when the kitchen was slow and I got a ticket for a club sandwich. Never. When it’s slow you always get the easy stuff: a burger, a fried chicken tender, nachos, or a salad. The club sandwich just has a knack for coming in at the wrong time! If the basic building blocks of the sandwich weren’t difficult enough, different restaurants all do the club “their” way. I have made the club so many ways that when I stand on the line and make one now, I have flashbacks. I’ll put the bacon where the tomato is supposed to go or whatever. This means dismantling the damn thing and reconstructing it. They never look right again after that. They look violated. So, here’s my solution. Restaurants should 86 club sandwiches across the board. Make them at home if you want one.
Margaret S.C. Walker
The term “86” has three meanings:
To run out of something To stop serving someone
3. Tosomeone. get rid of something or Origination stories vary widely, with no clear winner. Here are a few of the best: •A New York City streetcar line ran from 14th to 86th streets. At the last stop, the conductor announced, “86! End of the line! All out!” •Chumley’s, a Prohibition-era New York City speakeasy, located at 86 Bedford Street, had a cop on the payroll. Prior to a raid, the bartender would give the command to “86 everybody.” •Delmonico’s Restaurant in New York City was famous for its house
steak, Number 86 on the menu, which often sold out. •The term derives via a roundabout route from a number code allegedly in wide use in 1920s diners and soda fountains. During the Great Depression, the average soup kitchen’s cauldron held 85 cups—the 86th person was out of luck. •Standard grave size is 8 feet long by 6 feet deep. Standard burial depth is 7 feet 2 inches (86 inches). •The standard door frame is 86 inches high. •The public observatory of The Empire State Building, on the 86th ﬂoor, was the site of 30 suicides. •In electrical work, 86 is a trip-andlockout device. •In ﬁlmmaking, the mythical #86 light ﬁlter would be totally opaque, letting no light through. •The United States military code, Article 86 is Absence Without Leave (AWOL). •Local code #86 in New York makes it illegal for barkeepers to serve drunken patrons.
Why should one menu item require something from every station in the kitchen? Maybe its inventor had too much time on his hands. Supposedly, somewhere around 1899, in Saratoga Springs, New York, a line cook at a gambling
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JOKES JOKES JOKES At every restaurant or bar there is someone who knows how to tell a joke. We enjoy putting this page together and
At Atevery everyrestaurant restaurantor orbar barthere thereisissomeone someonewho whoknows knowshow howto totell tellaajoke. joke. We Weenjoy enjoyputting puttingthis thispage pagetogether togetherand and our readers constantly tell us they love the jokes. Each issue, BOH • FOH prints the jokes we have accumulated on our ourreaders readersconstantly constantlytell tellus usthey theylove lovethe thejokes. jokes. Each Eachissue, issue,BOH BOH••FOH FOHprints printsthe thejokes jokeswe wehave haveaccumulated accumulatedon on our think you have better joke than these, let usknow knowby byemail, email,and andattach attach our travels ininthe the restaurant world. IfIfyou you ourtravels travelsin therestaurant restaurantworld. world. If youthink thinkyou youhave haveaaabetter betterjoke jokethan thanthese, these,let letus us know by email, and attach your your picture with it! email@example.com yourpicture picturewith withit! it! firstname.lastname@example.org email@example.com
Dustin, Dustin, Bartender Dustin,Bartender Bartender Kooky Canuck Kooky KookyCanuck Canuck Memphis, Memphis, Tennessee Memphis,Tennessee Tennessee
Amber Amber Amber Bernie’s Oyster House Bernie’s Bernie’sOyster OysterHouse House Tybee Island, Georgia Tybee TybeeIsland, Island,Georgia Georgia
the teacher, “that’snot notthe theanswer answerI Iwas Iwas wasexpecting expecting the theteacher, teacher,“that’s “that’s not the answer expecting but I like the way you think.” Little Johnny says, but butI Ilike likethe theway wayyou youthink.” think.” Little LittleJohnny Johnnysays, says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question.” The teacher “Teacher, “Teacher,let letme meask askyou youaaquestion.” question.” The Theteacher teacher says, “Sure Little Johnny.” Little Johnny says,“If “If says, “Sure Little Johnny.” Little Johnny says, “Sure Little Johnny.” Little Johnnysays, says, “If there are three women sitting on a park bench there there are are three three women women sitting sitting on on aa park park bench bench eating ice cream,and andone oneisis issucking, sucking,one oneisisisbiting biting eating eatingice icecream, cream, and one sucking, one biting and one is licking, which one is married?” The and and one one isis licking, licking, which which one one isis married?” married?” The The teacher says, “Well, I guess the one sucking the ice teacher teachersays, says,“Well, “Well,I Iguess guessthe theone onesucking suckingthe theice ice cream.” Little Johnny says, “No! The one with the cream.” cream.”Little LittleJohnny Johnnysays, says,“No! “No!The Theone onewith withthe the wedding ring...but butI IIlike likethe theway wayyou youthink!” think!” wedding weddingring... ring... but like the way you think!”
Eric, Bartender Eric, Eric,Bartender Bartender Electric Cowboy Electric ElectricCowboy Cowboy LittleRock, Rock,Arkansas Little Arkansas
This guy out bar hopping. He goes from bar to Thisguy guyisisisout outbar barhopping. hopping.He Hegoes goesfrom frombar barto to This bar to bar and gets hammered. He walks into the bar to bar and gets hammered. He walks into the bar to bar and gets hammered. He walks into the last bar and sees beautiful woman atatthe the end of lastbar barand andsees seesaaabeautiful beautifulwoman womanat theend endof of last the bar. He keeps staring and staring, and ﬁnally the bar. He keeps staring and staring, and ﬁnally the bar. He keeps staring and staring, and ﬁnally he walks over and grabs her by the head and plants he walks overand andgrabs grabsher herby bythe thehead headand andplants plants he walks over a big wet kiss on her mouth. She pushes him away, a big wet kiss on her mouth. She pushes him away, a big wet kiss on her mouth. She pushes him away, slaps him and says, “What the hell do you think you slaps him and says, “What the hell do you think you slaps him and says, “What the hell do you think you are doing you prick?” The drunk replies, “I’m sorry, are doing you prick?” The drunk replies, “I’m sorry, are doing you prick?” The drunk replies, “I’m sorry, you looked like my wife!” He continues, “and you youlooked lookedlike likemy mywife!” wife!”He Hecontinues, continues,“and “andyou you you sound like her too!” sound like her too!” sound like her too!”
Little LittleJohnny Johnnyis classand andhis histeacher teacherasks, asks,“If “If Little Johnny isisin ininclass class and his teacher asks, there are three birds on a telephone wire and there are three birds on a telephone wire and there are three birds on a telephone wire you youshoot shootone, one,how howmany manyare areleft?” left?” Little LittleJohnny Johnny you shoot one, how many are left?” Little Johnny raises his hand and he is called on. Little Johnny raises his hand and he is called on. Little Johnny raises his hand and he is called on. Little Johnny answers, “None.” The teacher says, “I think answers, “None.” The teacher says, “I think you answers, “None.” The teacher says, “I think you you are confused Little Johnny, let me repeat the are confused Little Johnny, let me repeat the are confused Little Johnny, let me repeat the question.” “If there are three birds up on a wire and question.” “If there are three birds up on a wire and question.” “If there are three birds up on a wire and you youshoot shootone, one,how howmany manyare areleft?” left?” Little LittleJohnny Johnny you shoot one, how many are left?” Little Johnny says, “None!” The teacher says, “I think you says, “None!” The teacher says, “I think you are says, “None!” The teacher says, “I think you are are still confused, but explain yourself.” Little Johnny still confused, but explain yourself.” Little Johnny still confused, but explain yourself.” Little Johnny says, says,“Well “Wellif youshoot shootthe thegun, gun,all allthree threewill willhear hear says, “Well ififyou you shoot the gun, all three will hear the gunshot and ﬂy away.” “Little Johnny,” says the gunshot and ﬂy away.” “Little Johnny,” says the gunshot and ﬂy away.” “Little Johnny,” says
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This guy is at work when he gets a phone call from the hospital. Thistold guy isthat at work whenhas he gets a phone call fromcar theaccident hospital. He’s his wife been in a serious He’s told that his wife has been in a serious car accident and he rushes to the hospital. He waits in the waiting room and he rushes to the hospital. He waits in the waiting pacing and worrying about the condition of his wife. room The pacingﬁnally and comes worrying condition hissits wife. The doctor outabout to thethe waiting roomof and the guy doctor ﬁnally comes out to the waiting room and sits the guy down. He tells him, “It’s real bad,” “It’s really, really bad.” down. He tells him, “It’s real bad,” “It’s really, really bad.” The doctor informs the man that his wife is paralyzed from The doctor informs the man “You that his paralyzed from the neck down. He continues, are wife goingis to have to take the neck down. He continues, “You are going to have to care of her for the rest of her life. You are going to havetake to care her, of her for her the and rest do of her life. Youfor are goingThe to have to bathe feed everything her.” man is bathe her, feed her and do everything for her.” The man devastated at the thought and on the verge of tears when theis devastated the andand on the verge tears when the doctor slaps at him onthought the back says, “I’mofjust eﬃng with doctor slaps him on the back and says, “I’m just eﬃng with you man! She’s dead!” you man! She’s dead!”
BOHFOH BOHFOHThe TheClown Clown Bar Patron Bar Patron Everywhere! Everywhere! A clown just totaled his car in a horriﬁc accident. Miraculously, A clown just totaled his car in a horriﬁc accident. Miraculously, hehemanaged managedtotopry pryhimself himselffrom fromthe thewreckage wreckage without without aa scratch. scratch. When Whenthe thestate statetrooper trooperarrived arrivedhe hesaid, said,“Your “Yourcar carlooks lookslike likean an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are youOK?” OK?” “Yes, “Yes,oﬃcer, oﬃcer,I’m I’mjust justﬁne,” ﬁne,”the theclown clownsaid. said. “Well, “Well,how howininthe theworld worlddid didthis thishappen?” happen?”the theoﬃcer oﬃcerasked askedas as hehesurveyed the wrecked car. surveyed the wrecked car. “Oﬃcer, “Oﬃcer,it itwas wasthe thestrangest strangestthing!” thing!”the theclown clownbegan. began.“I“Iwas was driving along this road when from out of nowhere driving along this road when from out of nowherethis thisTREE TREE pops popsupupininfront frontofofme. me.So SoI Iswerved swervedtotothe theright, right,and andthere there was another tree! Then I swerved to the left and there was another tree! Then I swerved to the left and therewas was ANOTHER ANOTHERtree! tree!I swerved I swervedtotothe theright rightand andthere therewas wasanother another tree! tree!I swerved I swervedtotothe theleft leftand andthere therewas was....” ....” “Excuse “Excuseme meMr. Mr.Clown,” Clown,”the theoﬃcer oﬃcersaid, said,“There “Thereisn’t isn’taatree treeon on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back backand andforth.” forth.”
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