When You Can’t Sleep At Night TAYLER BUCHANAN
She remembers praying. She exhales a cloud of smoke and takes another drag from her shaking hand. Praying. She’s not even religious so why the fuck did she get on her knees and pray to some God, that she’s not even sure she believes in, to save her best friend. She throws the burnt out cigarette and crushes it under her foot. Reaching into her pocket for the pack and pulls out another. “Smoking can kill you, you know” She doesn’t even turn to look at him. This is where they always came anyway so if figures he’d show up eventually. Late at night they’d take her mom’s beat up Chevy and head down to the school’s football field. They’d sit on the bleachers and sometimes stay until the sun rose just talking about anything and everything. Ironic, actually, how this was the spot they chose considering how much they hated this place. “Maybe I’m trying to die.” Lucas takes a sit down beside her, close enough that she can smell the oil stained on his jeans and under his fingernails. After school he always worked at his dad’s shop; no matter how much he tried he could never wash away the smell, a fact that she secretly liked because it always meant she knew when he was around. Well, if you do want to die you’re choosing a slow and painful way of going” He turns to look at her and flashes a half smile that quickly dies when she doesn’t return it. His brown eyes grow somber and he turns to look back out at the field. “I’m sorry.” “Are you though, really?” He sighs and runs a hand through his hair, his eyes boring a hole into the football field as if it would magically give him all the answers to whatever the hell is happening right now. “I’m…I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. And how I handled the situation, but no I’m not sorry.” “You could’ve at least given me a warning Lucas, we talked, we joked but I never thought you’d actually go through with anything.” “Grace…I said—” “No you don’t get to say anything.” Taking a deep breath she digs into her leather jacket searching for her lighter and lights another cigarette. Taking a deep inhale she breathes in the smoke. Smoking has become a sort of therapy for her now. As the smoke travels down and blackens her lungs it also seems to clear her brain. She starts again. “I was there. Not your Dad who left an hour later or your sister who nobody could seem to get a hold of. It was me, I held your hand and prayed that somehow you would come back to me Lucas. But you left, you left so suddenly that you didn’t even say goodbye. Didn’t give me an explanation, like our entire friendship meant nothing to you. Like I meant nothing to you.” “You did mean something to me.” “Then why did you leave me!” Her scream reverberates around the empty field. As it echoes, he falls silent. They stare out at the field for what feels like hours. The silence deafening with only the sound of her occasional deep sigh breaking it. Lucas turns to look at her. She’s crying, heavy mascara streaks mar her otherwise beautiful face and he reaches out a hand as if to wipe them away before withdrawing, realizes that he can’t. “So what do we do now kid?” She takes a long pause and crushes her cigarette once again before standing and facing him. “You killed yourself Lucas. That’s when you and me stopped being you and me and just became me. So what do we do now? Now you leave me alone. Leave me alone and stop showing up every time I miss you. It’s not fair to me and the longer you stay around the more I want to kill myself too.” She takes a few steps toward him, centimeters away from his face now. She can see every freckle, and every eyelash and every single perfect line and blemish on his face in such detail she almost forgets that he isn’t real. “And while that may have been the only choice you thought you had – I’m choosing the slow and painful way of dying. Which is living, for as long as I can.” Grace tugs her jacket closer around her and turns, heading back to her car and away from him. As she grabs her keys and unlocks the door she turns to look back at the now empty field. No sign of life or even the remnants of life. Just silence, like no one was ever there to begin with.
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