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January 2 - 8, 2013

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 15

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 15

On Deck

2013: A rebuilding year

SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Vikings vs. Packers Preview 4 Bengals vs. Texans Preview 4 Colts vs. Ravens Preview 4 Seahawks vs. Redskins Preview 4 AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic Preview 5 How Long Will Mediocrity Be Acceptable? 6 QBs On The Move 6 Hoop Dreams 7 13 Ways For NHL Players To Make Money 8 Hot Kates 9 Cover Story The Same Old Song For America’s Team 10-11 BLITZ Entertainment Laura Roush 12 Wayans World 13 Speaking The Truth 13 Crave DFW 14 YouTube Is Scaring Me To Death 15 The REVIEWser: Zero Dark Thirty 15 Eat It. Wear It. Go There. 16 Gearshift 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Pocketful of Peens 18 The Answer Guy 18 Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Creative Director Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Design Michael H. Lee Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Chuck Majors

By Keysha Hogan - @TheKeysha


uch like your New Year’s resolutions, aspirations will take a knee to gritty realities. Fiscal cliff negotiations will re-haunt us in the form of debt-ceiling talks. And your strict calorie counting will yield to Valentine’s Day treats. But in 2013, we will witness teams put their old goals aside, heal old wounds and finally deal with their mess. NHL Lockout In case you didn’t know, hockey is a $3.3 billion business that is becoming more irrelevant day by day. The players and owners must come to terms before January 15th in order to save a decent 48 game season. Recently survey results announced that 58% of our neighbors to the north don’t care if the season is saved. If hockey is becoming less sacred to Canadians then how are folks in the U.S. supposed to carry the torch? In the meantime, the NHL has a media deal in place with NBC that guarantees $200 million in revenues even if every game is cancelled. In order to get players on the ice, talks will focus on the new Collective Bargaining Agreement and maximum contracts that will last. Also in play are the transition rules that afford larger cuts of revenues to the owners. Cleaning up the Conference There is a decent chance that the ‘13-14 season will be last days of the Big East. After teams like Louisville and Syracuse left, the benefits remaining are dwindling for schools like San Diego State and Tulane. And the new Catholic

school basketball conference stands to enjoy a bit of retribution against the man as they build a new alliance that recalls the basketball days of yesteryear. At the end of 2013 there will be plenty of reorganization within the conference. Rutgers is currently entrenched in a lawsuit with the Big East, because they say the penalties to leave are applied arbitrarily to different teams. If Rutgers is able to leave without paying the $10 million buyout fee or abiding by the 27-month waiting period then expect other schools poised to switch affiliations and leave at a breakneck pace.

january 2 - 8, 2013




Cowboys Overhaul At this point there’s no way to be sure exactly which character in the Cowboys’ saga should shoulder the blame. The franchise is in need of something that only Jerry Jones can authorize: a culture shift. That can mean any number of things for the day-to-day operations and personnel. Romo’s performance, good and bad, is what we’ve come to expect, but the defense gave up 62 points and 923 yards in the last two weeks alone. The gritty reality is that although there are some stellar games during the year, the Cowboys are not winning enough games to be solid contenders. The desire for change is palpable as fans face another long offseason and none of the choices for Jones will be easy to make. Here’s hoping he’ll make them now and not put it off until next year.

Staff Writers Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Ethan Harmon, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller Contributing Photographers/ Artists Matthew Britt, Steven Doyle, Kent Gilley, Albino Raven, Ed Yourdon, BayAreaBias, Shutterbug459, qbweekly Contributing Writers Arthur Bellfield, Jay Betsill, Gary Dowell, Steven Doyle, Stephen Evans, Jason Fleck, C.J. Gardner, Peter Gerstenzang, Andrew J. Hewett, Jan Hubbard, Martin Iheke, Will Martin, Posie Pockets, Zach Walker

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January 2 - 8, 2013

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 15

nfc: minnesota vikings Afc: cincinnati bengals vs. green bay packers vs. Houston texans


By Jason Fleck - t is that time of year once again. The most exciting part of the NFL season is upon us, NFL fans know it as playoff time. Every game from here on out means so much, with each win a team moves closer to the ultimate prize of being the World Champs. A loss means that grueling trip home with nothing and a long offseason of thinking about what could have been. It is a lovely time of year for football fans, with each game history is made and these playoffs will start off with a bang. This Saturday will feature an NFC Wildcard game between the No. 3 seed Green Bay Packers and the No.6 seed Minnesota Vikings.  It is a rematch between division rivals that just happened this past Sunday in Week 17, when the Vikings knocked off Green Bay to punch their ticket to the playoffs and also kept Green Bay from clinching the No.2 seed and a bye. With the loss, the Packers fell to the NFC’s third seed, but receive a chance to avenge their most recent loss to those feisty Vikings. The storyline for the most recent game between the two was all about Adrian Peterson and his quest to break the single-season rushing record, he

didn’t break that record but he played a huge role in the Vikings win. Peterson fell short of the record by nine yards, but his run set the Vikings up for the game winning field goal. The storyline of this weekend’s game will probably once again focus on Adrian Peterson, but this week it will be more about him running his team into the next round of the playoffs and not on him breaking a record. It won’t be an easy task trying to take down Aaron Rodgers and the Packers for the second straight week though, before their most recent loss the Packers held a five-game winning streak against the Vikings. This game will be at Lambeau Field in extremely cold conditions, it will come down to which team’s star player and defense show up. Rodgers vs. Peterson, which team can keep the other’s star from beating them? It will be another exciting game between these two. Tune into the Opening Saturday of the NFL playoffs and enjoy the excitement. Prediction: Packers 27, Vikings 17. Watch It: Sat. Jan. 5 7:00PM NBC

AFC: indianapolis colts VS. baltimore ravens By c.j. gardner - he #4 vs. #5 seed game in the AFC is a match up between the current team in Baltimore and the former one, as the Baltimore Ravens will host the Indianapolis Colts at noon on Jan. 6th. The Colts (11-5) head to Baltimore even though they have the better record because the Ravens (10-6) are the AFC North division winner. The Ravens head into the playoffs in a bit of a slump having lost four of their last five games. Even though the Ravens did not get a first round bye, they will be well rested after sitting most of their starters in their week 17 game against the Bengals and that might be just what the doctor ordered for the ailing Raven’s defense. Baltimore has had to deal with injuries for most of the year, including one to team leader, Ray Lewis, who looks set to make his return after being out since mid-October. With the defense not being as strong as it has been in the past, Joe Flacco and Co. have had to pick up the slack on offense. Flacco has proven he is no longer a bus driver for this offense and has a strong running game


behind him with Ray Rice. The Indianapolis Colts come into Wild Card Weekend on a wave of emotions after having their head coach, Chuck Pagano, back on the sidelines for their win against the Texans after returning from treatment for leukemia. The Colts head into the playoffs in good form having finished the regular season winning five of six. After finishing 2-14 last year, Andrew Luck has turned this team into a winner. Luck set the rookie record for passing yards and looks to be their franchise quarterback for years to come. The defense is not statistically great, but they do what they need to in order to win and have a strong pass rush with Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis coming off the edges. The Colts possess a major advantage in the kicking game with Adam Vinatieri, while Baltimore will have to rely on rookie kicker Justin Tucker. Prediction: Look for the Colts to win on a last second field goal with the score being 23-20. Watch It: Sun. Jan. 6 Noon CBS

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By Martin iheke -


t is a rematch of last year’s wild card playoff game when the Houston Texans beat the Cincinnati Bengals at home, 31-10, to win the franchise’s first ever playoff game. The Texans did it without starting quarterback, Matt Schaub, who was injured. This time they will have him, but this will be his first playoff game. The Texans come into the playoffs having lost three of their last four games and were one win away from locking up home-field advantage throughout the AFC playoffs. For the Bengals, they needed to win their last three games to get in making it the first time in thirty years they have made the playoffs in consecutive seasons. Both teams are coming into this game with one of the better defenses in the league, especially against the run. The Bengals are 8th in the league against the run at 100.6 yards and 10th in the league against the pass at 216.9 yards. The Texans are 7th in the league against the run at 98.6 yards, but are average against the pass at 228.5 yards which puts them at 16th overall. This is all according to Offensively,

the slight edge would go to the Texans in the rushing department as they are 7th in the league at 134.7 yards thanks mostly to their outstanding running back, Arian Foster according to ESPN. com. This will be something the Bengals will have to stop if they have any chance of winning this game. Foster tore them up in last year’s playoff game and will be looking to do the same again. Andy Dalton, starting quarterback for the Bengals, will also have to step up. He was not very good in the playoff game last year as well their best wide receiver, A.J. Green. I am expecting a close, low-scoring game between these two teams. I like the way the Bengals are playing, overall, especially on defense while the Texans have not. If the Bengals can slow down Foster and not turn the ball over, I like their chances of winning the game. If not, I expect another blow out by the Texans. Prediction: Texans 20, Bengals 17. Watch It: Sat. Jan. 5 3:30PM NBC

NFC: seattle seahawks VS. washington redskins By zach walker - n Sunday the NFC East was won by the rookie led Washington Redskins. The Redskins will be carrying a seven game winning streak built by the offense pampered to Robert Griffin III strengths. Play action read option style with the epic threat of running by rookie running back Alfred Morris, who has 820 rushing yards over that winning streak. Rookie of the year candidate Robert Griffin III has been playing flawless, mistake free football, throwing only two picks to 12 touchdowns in six games, having not played against the Browns. The pressure defense has yielded results allowing only about 20 points a game during their current run, not allowing opposing quarterbacks to get comfortable enough to be effective. The Seattle Seahawks aren’t exactly skidding into the playoffs; it’s more of a power slide. Winners of five straight, and seven of their last eight games. The ‘Hawks have a rookie quarterback of their own and aren’t questioning their decision to select the sub six foot signal caller. Russell Wilson has his own hat in the


Rookie award conversation. His numbers aren’t as eye-popping as Robert Griffin III, but his team hasn’t asked anything more than solid quarterback play and intense leadership. The Chicago game is his brightest example of what he adds to the Seahawks sound team equation. A stout, 80 proof defense and a power running game headed by Marshawn Lynch. Pete Carroll deserves heavy consideration for Coach of the Year. His choice to, wisely, start Russell Wilson over free agent Matt Flynn. The energy that Carroll brings to the side line has become completely infectious throughout his entire team, creating a true “players” environment. FedEx Field isn’t exactly known as the most daunting home field advantage, but as the fans showed against the Cowboys, they will be there, and they will make a heck of a lot of noise. The Seattle defense will be the X-Factor in this game and will be a force that the Redskins won’t be able to overcome. Prediction: I see it going down 33-20 Seattle over Washington. Watch It: Sun. Jan. 6 3:30PM FOX

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 15

january 2 - 8, 2013


AT&T Cotton bowl classic one of the bowl seasons best By stephen evans -

December was a month to remember for Johnny Manziel. He spent a weekend in New York City, making history by becoming the first freshman to ever win the Heisman Trophy. He then delivered the Top Ten List on David Letterman’s show and hung out with Jay Leno on The Tonight Show. He saw the Cowboys beat the Eagles from a suite at Cowboys Stadium and watched LeBron James decimate the Mavs from courtside seats at the American Airlines Center. And somehow he was able to squeeze in a round of golf with the Jonas Brothers. Life has been nice for Johnny Football, but a new year brings a new reality for the star quarterback. No longer will he and the Texas A&M offense be able to sneak up on anyone, as targets will be placed squarely on their backs and opposing defensive coordinators will have plenty of tape available to scheme against. The Aggies’ first test under this new reality will come in the Cotton Bowl against the Oklahoma Sooners, their former Big XII rivals. And while it seems like a collision of two programs heading in opposite directions -- the Aggies positioning themselves as prime contenders for next year’s national championship while the Sooners seem to be a program on the brink of taking a step back – it’s difficult to see this game being

anything but a nail biter. 1,000 yards in a single season. But don’t fall Both teams enter the game with matching into the trap of thinking the Stoops boys (Bob, 10-2 overall records. The Sooners’ losses came Oklahoma’s defensive-minded head coach, and against the current No. Mike, the defensive 1 team in the nation coordinator) have (Notre Dame) and forgotten how to coach the reigning Big XII defense. Certainly this champion Kansas State Oklahoma defensive Wildcats. Texas A&M’s squad, which ranks losses came against 45th in the country in total defense and 43rd Florida and LSU, both in scoring defense, top 10 squads. But won’t match those of the similarities don’t the Floridas, LSUs, end there. Both teams and Alabamas the thrive on their offensive Aggies faced in their prowess, averaging first season in the more than 500 yards Shutterbug459 SEC, but with a month of offense and 40+ points per game. Both Is Johnny Football ready for the Sooners? to prepare for the freshman phenom, teams also give up expect the Sooners to nearly 400 yards per have a wrinkle or two ready for the Aggies. game on defense and turn the ball over far too Lurking in the shadows and taking a backseat many times. to the Heisman winner is Oklahoma senior It’s easy to point to Manziel as the key to quarterback Landry Jones. After an inauspicious this game. Sure, he broke Cam Newton’s SEC start to the season, Jones closed out his final record for total yards in a season and became campaign in Norman with a bang and finished the first-ever SEC quarterback to throw for his career as the Sooners’ all-time leader in more than 3,000 yards and run for more than

wins, passing yards, completions, attempts, and touchdown passes. As his game improved, so did the entire Oklahoma team. By the end of the season, Landry was one of the hottest quarterbacks in America. As he goes, so go the Sooners. And Landry’s ability to convert the Sooners’ offensive drives into points more often than not will tell the tale of this year’s Cotton Bowl, despite the rock star on the opposite sideline. Many have pegged the Cotton Bowl match-up as the most intriguing non-BCS bowl game this season. And why not? Not only are there two highly-ranked teams, but the story lines abound. Has the banquet circuit affected the focus of the Heisman winner and the Coach of the Year? Have the recent injuries and suspensions of Sooner players caused unnecessary distractions in Norman? Will long-time Bob Stoops protégé and former Oklahoma assistant coach Kevin Sumlin send the Sooners to another disappointing postseason loss? And just how did Johnny Football afford those Cowboys Stadium suite tickets and those floor seats at the Mavs game on a football player’s monthly stipend? Stay tuned, this one has all the makings of a classic.

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January 2 - 8, 2013

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 15

QBs on the move:

how long will mediocrity be acceptable?

expect changes next season

By Will Martin -


ince 2012 has now entered the archival state of memories it is this time of year where the game of Russian Roulette commences. If there was ever such a thing for Fantasy Football - ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go?’ you could have one heck of a time trying to match the player with a scorecard. Especially in the case of quarterbacks in a contract year, injured, unproductive, over achieving, undervalued, or about to test the free agent market. In 2012 we most assuredly saw the birth of the rookie QB having success in the NFL. With the Washington Redskins successfully defeating the Cowboys this marks the first time in NFL history that no less than THREE rookie quarterbacks will lead their team into the postseason. This is on the heels of seeing five rookie QB’s start under center to begin 2012. This begs the question of which quarterbacks are on the trading block/ due to get released/ waived or just stay.

By jan hubbard - hen Cowboys linebacker Jerry Brown was killed in a car that was crashed by defensive lineman Josh Brent, Jason Garrett – by all accounts – handled the situation expertly. He was a calming influence on a grieving team that had to play one day after learning of Brown’s depth. It was at that point, some analysts said, that Garrett secured his job as Cowboys head coach for next season. With all due respect to Garrett for the way he guided his team through a difficult emotional period, I have this question: What do Garrett’s actions during the BrentBrown tragedy have to do with Garrett’s coaching ability? No doubt he exhibited leadership, but the job of a football coach is to coach football and Garrett still hasn’t demonstrated that he can do that at a playoff level. Garrett completed his second full season as head coach and all he has proven is that he is mediocre. He had a 5-3 record after taking over for the fired Wade Phillips in 2010 and in his two full seasons, he has gone 8-8. With the money that owner Jerry Jones spent on free agents last year, and the brilliant draftday move the Cowboys made to get cornerback Morris Claiborne, shouldn’t expectations be greater than .500? And what has Garrett shown on the field during his 2 1/2 years as the head coach? He has not overwhelmed any opponent with his strategy. He has not made good in-game decisions and the fact that he is a smart guy from Princeton with potential has to, at some point, not be enough to keep him around. Jerry Jones has been enamored with Garrett since Garrett was a backup Cowboys’ quarterback in the 1990s. But here’s what I wonder: Is Garrett an example of the Peter Principle? I’m not even sure he would be a great offensive coordinator. There is no doubt that injuries affected the Cowboys’ season. There is also no doubt that in the most important game of the year against the Redskins on Sunday, Tony Romo did not show up. But look at the Green Bay team of 2010. The Packers had many injuries that season. They lost their leading rusher and starting tight end. They had something like 17 key injuries. And they still won the Super Bowl in part because of a great job by head coach Mike McCarthy. Demanding a world championship probably is not fair to any coach. But how about when you have an owner who has demonstrated repeatedly that he will spare no expense – even to the point of being disciplined because of salary cap maneuvers – and you still can’t make

4. Michael Vick - Gone. Yes he battled a concussion and dealt with no offesive line at all in the early going. Do not be surprised if he reappears in Arizona or as the Jets backup.

5. Brian Hoyer - Stays. Cardinals are a team in rebuild mode.

New Year, New Team 1. Tim Tebow Gone. Worst kept secret. Expect a wondrous homecoming to Jacksonville with hero status. Darryl Briggs

Can Garrett turn things around? the playoffs? It has long been popular to rip Jerry Jones for not hiring a so-called “football man” as general manager. Most of the criticism has been tied to player decisions. But I have maintained that the biggest problem with Jerry is not the football decisions he makes. In the last few years, he seems to have listened to his scouts and football staff and he and Garrett have said that Garrett has the ultimate authority on player decisions. Whether you believe that or not is not the point. The point is that he has trusted Garrett with football decisions on the field and in the draft room and Garrett simply has not delivered. I know it’s a foregone conclusion that Garrett will return next season and if Vegas posted a line, I’d bet on that. But a part of me wonders when Jerry takes a step back, realizes that he will be 71 years old next year and that at that age, you talk about the present, not the future, will he do something dramatic? Time will tell. But Jerry has proof right now that in Jason Garrett, he has a .500 coach. And usually those guys don’t win Super Bowls.

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2. Alex Smith Gone. Colin Kaepernick has shown the ability to lead the 49ers. Sometimes a coach chooses to go a different direction. One year removed from a championship game run, Alex goes elsewhere. 3. Mark Sanchez Gone. Remember when the Jets went to the championship game in Mark’s first two years as a Jet? The ‘what have you done for me lately’ phenomenon now rears its ugly head. From all of media reports let’s just say that if Rex Ryan stays Sanchez goes elsewhere.

6. Matt Cassel - With apologies to Sheryl Crow a change would do him good. Go East young man! In the big picture one would expect a huge amount at changes at the helm of where the action starts. In reality those numbers are few due to long term commitments with the perceived star player. For the sake of the lock of the Millennium for an expected switch it shall be Tim Tebow to Jacksonville. Perhaps coming home agrees with him. That’s assuming Mike Mularkey will even be there.

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 15

january 2 - 8, 2013


By Geoff Case -

mavs in free fall The shine of the 2011 NBA has officially worn off as the Mavericks are in a historic free fall in the standings losing their last six games. The return of Nowitzki has breathed some life back into the team but it will likely be another month before the superstar gets his game legs under him. In the meantime, the Mavericks have a whole bunch of issues that are causing them to lose winnable games. Let’s break them down by priority. 1. Rebounding The Mavericks simply cannot seem to get key rebounds down the stretch leading to extra possessions for their opponent. They seem to lack the ability to box out on most nights and the effort from positions 1 to 5 just hasn’t been there. Rebounding is all about effort and the Mavericks simply are not giving enough every night.

securing loose balls. Kidd could rebound and initiate the fast break with long range passing. It’s not a knock on the current roster but an observation that they are playing to their strengths and young legs. However, rebounding is a problem that has been killing this team late in games getting extra possessions for the opposition. 3. Scoring One of the biggest reasons the Mavericks are on this losing streak is because they often become one-dimensional offensively. O.J. Mayo has become the primary option and teams have started locking down on him. While Mayo has shown that he can come through most nights, if he goes through a cold streak the Mavericks are hurting for points. The addition of Nowitzki will relieve some of this pressure but in the meantime the Juice is getting squeezed. What’s ahead? Dallas needs to find a way to win 32 of the final 52 to qualify for the postseason. Historically, a team that right now wins less than 40 percent of its games is going to immediately have to start winning 62 percent of its games. It will be a long hard road for the Mavericks to make the postseason this year. Upcoming schedule: 1/5 : New Orleans Hornets This is a game the Mavericks will need to win if they truly believe they belong in the postseason. The Hornets are a young team with a lot of talent but the Mavericks have enough firepower to win this at home. 1/7 : @ Utah Jazz Utah on the road is usually a place of horrors for most teams but this might be another winnable game. I predict we will see a great game from Dirk in this one.

Darryl Briggs

2. Guard play The loss of Jason Kidd this offseason really shows what he brought to the team in terms of pacing and play making. One of Kidd’s greatest strengths was his ability to understand the flow of the game and get everybody involved. He was also a big reason the Mavericks were able to play small because of his ability to rebound from the guard position. The current guards for the Mavericks look to run and initiate the fast break rather than

1/9 : @ LA Clippers The Clippers are the hottest team in the NBA right now and they have one of the best benches in the NBA with Jamal Crawford lighting teams up. Dallas will need some luck and extra effort on the boards to win this one. 1/11 : @ Sacramento Kings The Kings will be looking for revenge from the 119-96 blowout win the Mavs gave them back in December. The Kings play much better at home but Dallas will need this one as much as the New Orleans game.

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January 2 - 8, 2013

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 15

13 things nhl players can do to make money during the strike


imes are hard and if you play professional hockey for a living times are harder. We caring souls at BLITZ have put together a list of 13 ways that our mostly Canadian brethren can scrounge up some extra cash.

1. Become a dentist – They’ve

been there enough. Surely they have had to learned something.


Become strippers – No matter how hard you close your eyes you will never get this image out of your head. It’s like herpes for your soul.


Coach a Rec League kid’s hockey team – This should go over well.

2. 3. Mug Gary Bettman – Even if he

Donate blood – They bleed enough, why not make some money off of it?


doesn’t have much on him the look on his face would be priceless.

Sell their faces for molds of Halloween costumes – Hey you should just let your ugliness go on without a profit.

Become anger therapists – It’s incredible how pummeling your opponent into submission does wonders for your pinned up aggression

Invent the Full Contact Golf League – All I’m going to say is ratings on the Golf Network are about to go through the f&*king roof!


4. 5.

Sell memorabilia from a famous teammate – Jagr will never miss that extra pair of underwear. Hello eBay!

6. Start MMA on Ice – This is brilliant! 8.

WTF is the horse doing here?


Work an ice cream truck – Sure beats stripping…oh God there’s that image again... Visit us online at

Date Kim Kardashian – Normally her legs only part for mediocre football and basketball players and international rappers, but hey it may be time for a little puck stuffing. But now since she’s Kanye’s soon-to-be baby mama that may not be possible.

13. Decide that it’s time to stop quibbling and get back to hockey!

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january 2 - 8, 2013


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January 2 - 8, 2013

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 15

the same old song for america’s team

By jay betsill - @thefamousjay


nother NFL regular season is in the books, the Dallas Cowboys find themselves missing the playoffs after coming up short in a must-win regular season finale. Again. For the third time in five years. 2008 saw the Eagles bury the Dallas in a 44-6 rout in Philadelphia in what would turn out to be Terrell Owens’ last game as a Cowboy. Last season’s win-or-gohome game on Sunday Night Football gave the New York Giants their turn to end the Cowboys season with a 31-14 beat down, meaning that for the first time since 2004 and 2005 they will miss the playoffs in consecutive seasons. Go ahead and make it an NFC East trifecta as Dallas ended its 2012 campaign by falling to the Washington Redskins 28-18 while giving up 200 yards rushing to rookie running back Alfred Morris in a game that would have given the Cowboys the division title had they won. “I thought our effort, determination and will in this game was awfully, awfully good, and indicative of what this team has been all year long,” said head coach Jason Garrett, who finished his second full season on the job and now owns a record of 21-19. “At the end of the day, we didn’t get the job done.” Many observers, including yours truly, predicted in the preseason that the Cowboys would go 8-8. A couple of good bounces and they could have ended up 9-7. A few more bad bounces and the end result could have turned into 7-9 season. Either way, the team was full of holes and while they attempted to address to horrendous secondary by adding $50 million free agent cornerback Brandon Carr and trading up to draft LSU cornerback Morris Claiborne with the 6th overall pick in the NFL Draft while bidding farewell to cornerback Terence Newman and safety Abram Elam. No amount of planning could have prepared Rob Ryan for the amount of injuries his unit suffered. Ryan coached a defense that lost six starters and two backups to injury, except in the case of nose tackle Josh Brent, charged with intoxication manslaughter in the death of a teammate. Among the


players who missed all or part of the season due to injury were linebackers Sean Lee and Bruce Carter, safety Barry Church, nose tackle Jay Ratliff, cornerback Orlando Scandrick and defensive end Kenyon Coleman. The lone Pro Bowler on the defensive side of the ball, linebacker DeMarcus Ware battled injuries throughout the season. Ryan hopes to have his guys back together next season. “I’d like to do that,” Ryan said. “That’d be fun. It’s disappointing. I think we were one of the top defenses in football but that changed a little bit obviously by the end. But these guys played hard. They gave us everything they had, but yet still there’s a helluva football team over there that’s banged up. I know with our offense and with Jason running this thing, we’re right there, guys. Everybody can see it. We want another chance to do that, but, hey, we’ll see what happens.”

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By finishing 8-8 for the second straight season, the consistently inconsistent Cowboys are an average NFL team. With the Giants winning in Week 17, Dallas finished in third place in the division and will select 18th in April’s draft. What the franchise will do with that pick could hinge on several things including what they decide to do with the 32-year-old Romo, who is entering the last year of his contract, and posted the lowest passer rating (90.5) of his career in 2012. “As far as I’m concerned, we’re as far away as you can measure, because we’re at home and not in the tournament,” owner Jerry Jones said. “We’ve got a big challenge ahead of us.”



OVERALL GRADE (as befits an average team)

OFFENSE While it was the sudden emergence of the Romo and Dez Bryant combination in the second half of the season that propelled the team into contention, the offensive line was horrific and the running game struggled behind Felix Jones while DeMarco Murray missed six games due to injury. On the positive side, tight end Jason Witten had a record-setting season with 110 catches for 1039 yards after suffering a lacerated spleen in the Cowboys first preseason game on August 13.

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DEFENSE The Cowboys’ defense made adjustments all season based on the health (or lack there of) of the unit. Defensive coordinator Rob Ryan did what he could with the injury ravaged crew that included the addition of guys off the street such as safety Charlie Peprah, linebacker Brady Poppinga, cornerback Michael Coe and safety Eric Frampton. That being said, the Cowboys still gave up an average of 25 points a game, good enough to finish 19th overall in the NFL, one spot ahead of the Kansas City Chiefs, owners of a 2-14 record and the top selection in the NFL Draft.


SPECIAL TEAMS The special teams unit gets an average grade due to the performance of kicker Dan Bailey, who connected on 29-of-31 field goals. In only his second season, Bailey has tied the club record with seven game-winning field goals. The return aspect of the special teams unit included muffed punts, although the punt return game improved significantly when Dwayne Harris replaced Dez Bryant. Punter Brian Moorman showed flashes of his Pro Bowl form from his days with the Buffalo Bills, but ended the season as the No. 22 punter in the league.


COACHING Head coach Jason Garrett gets a well-deserved ton of credit for the job he did in the days following the tragic

january 2 - 8, 2013


death of practice squad linebacker Jerry Brown. However, he continued to struggle in game-management while calling the plays on offense. Do not be surprised if Jerry Jones brings in someone like recently-fired San Diego Chargers head coach Norv Turner to take over the offensive play-calling duties. Rob Ryan’s defense was the beneficiary of new cornerbacks Carr and Claiborne, but also dealt with a plethora of injuries. While Garrett did receive a lot of criticism from the fans and media alike, he still has the support of the players. “I think he did a great job,” said DeMarco Murray. “He’s a great coach, terrific guy, glad to be a part of this team and I’m 100 percent behind him, as well as everyone else in this locker room. I wouldn’t want to play for anyone else.” Linebacker Sean Lee also voiced his support of the head coach. “I don’t think there’s anybody else who could,” Lee said. “I think he’s an unbelievable coach. I think we’ve responded to him, and he’s made us better football players, better people. If you watch us, I think we play with a certain relentless spirit. But we need to find a way to cut mistakes and build on our mistakes so we never make those mistakes again.” Now that this season is over and mediocrity prevailed there is some light at the end of the tunnel. The Cowboys know the needs that must be addressed. The NFC East is still one of the toughest divisions in the NFL. There will be changes coming. But for now it’s the same old song for America’s Team.

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January 2 - 8, 2013

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 15

Look, we got a QR-Code!

See more of Laura and others at Model: Laura Roush Courtesy: Kent Gilley / Visit us online at


wayans world T VOL. 5 - ISSUE 15

january 2 - 8, 2013


By ethan harmon -

he Wayans brothers are a famous, multitalented bunch that have been in dozens of movies, bringing laughs to audiences throughout the world. From In Living Color to Scary Movie, the Wayans brothers have made themselves known as brilliant and sometimes crude comedians, poking fun at stereotypes, racial matters, men and women, and everything in between. Marlon Wayans, who has a penchant for writing, has produced and written a Paranormal Activity spoof that will be making its debut on the silver screen this month. The inspiration for this film struck Marlon as he was viewing the Paranormal films. “I was watching Paranormal Activity 2…and I asked ‘what if this happened to black people?’ I called my producer friend Rick Alvarez and we came up with ten, twenty pages of jokes.” The actor then began writing the script and putting the pieces together, eventually producing the film as well as taking on the leading role. This movie, titled A Haunted House, does not have a big Hollywood budget, however. “[Hollywood] isn’t making as many movies as they used to. So I wanted to venture out and do something Roger Corman style, where you kind of become your own brand of movie, you get your own financing, and you begin making pictures.” The Wayans, Marlon in particular, have a

very interesting, unique style of comedy. Particularly in movies such as Don’t be a Menace, the Wayans center a lot of their humor around racial stereotypes, adding social commentary in between the laughs. Marlon notes that he feels that racial barriers are still a big part of society, and he believes that it is not only important to make people laugh, but to also have them reflect on themselves. “Humor helps us see how ignorant we can be.” Staying true to himself, the actor added humor to his idea. “We are equal opportunity offenders [laughs], but we do it with kid’s gloves.” A Haunted House is not the only project in the mix. Marlon – along with his brother Shawn – is currently touring the country performing stand-up comedy. Because comedy is in his wheelhouse, it may seem like a no-brainer that the actor is performing these shows, but in actuality, he has only just begun doing these sets. “I’ve been doing stand-up for two and a half years now, and I started because I was supposed to play Richard Pryor in a movie.” The idea seemed foreign to him at first, for he wanted to write and act. But it was only after hearing about the role, and reflecting on his early childhood when he would sneak around and

Exercising the demons listen to Pryor albums, that stand-up became something more. “I enjoy it and I’m getting better. It’s making me smarter, more articulate.” The Richard Pryor role made Marlon light up, smile stretching his cheeks. He became slightly melancholy when talking about it in further detail. “I would love to play the role, but it’s lying dormant right now.” Production on

the film has been halted. The actor did mention another dramatic, untitled role that may be in his future. “Me and Omar Epps are working on a thriller.” He was very tightlipped about his potential future projects, keeping details vague. A Haunted House looks to bring a lot of laughs when it is released January 13th, promising a unique comedic experience. Marlon Wayans may have some interesting roles in the near future, but right now he is bringing the comedy to us. Whether it is his upcoming release or his stand-up show, one must go see a Marlon Wayans production.

speaking the truth


rue comedy doesn’t exist in your comfort zone. It resides in places that are often too taboo to speak of or too sensitive to touch. You have to be imaginative, immutable, and possess a flawless pair of shiny brass ones that give you the strength to make people laugh about subjects that most won’t even talk about. Real comedy is for the fearless. 23-yearold John “Spoken Reasons” Baker has such a disposition. Being off-the-cuff and genuine has placed this young in age entertainer on the brink of greatness for 2013 and gotten him wedged in a the middle of a Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy sandwich in Paul Feig’s new cop comedy The Heat. However, his ascent wasn’t via elevator. He climbed the ranks by amassing close to 200 million views on YouTube with his satirical assertions on everyday life situations (and some not so everyday life situations), as well as, his spoken word poetry week-after-week mastering his timing and delivery. His respect was earned not given. So now the future comedic giant with the work ethic of an Egyptian putting the finishing touches on the pyramids, who wears his heart on his sleeve has found himself one step away from being the next great actor, comedian, poet, speaker, thinker, everything. Listen up world. Spoken Reasons has something to say. What was it like when you first got the phone call saying you got the part in

the movie? SR: It wasn’t surprising. It was more of a next level challenge. I signed with my agent [UTA] on a Wednesday in May and about two or three days later I went to New York and then to Orlando and they told me I had a casting call for Sandra Bullock in The Heat and they told me to put myself on tape. I told them no I didn’t want to put myself on tape so I paid $1500 for two tickets and flew overnight to LA. I went to a friend of mine named Page Kennedy (Blue Mountain State) and he showed me how to strengthen myself [for the audition] and the next day I went in and killed it. So it was more of a challenging feeling than an exciting one.

If you had to choose out of acting, stand-up comedy, your YouTube videos or poetry, what brings you the

biggest sense of satisfaction from your audience? SR: That’s a hard one. I really can’t pick and say which one gives me my biggest satisfaction because when you say videos, spoken word, or comedy they all go handin-hand. I always use them together. Say for instance I am doing my YouTube videos – I may also being doing spoken word or if I am doing stand-up comedy…when I’m on stage I’m not just doing comedy. I am also doing spoken word and playing piano. So all of them together bring me a sense of satisfaction because I am able to incorporate my different talents into one. I can’t see myself doing one without the other because I feel like it would take away from who I am. Normally everyone will ask what’s some of the best advice you were ever given, but what was the worst? SR: Hmmm. I want to say that the worst advice that I have ever received was “stop doing videos, you’re wasting time.” That was the worst, but I wouldn’t say that was advice [laughing]. Or maybe it was advice, it just was advice from someone who didn’t believe in me. Now I pretty much surround myself with a good, solid circle. But if I had to say who has given me some good

By c.patterson -

advice it would be Roy [Wood, Jr.]. He gave me a lot of advice as far as staying levelheaded and to stay true to my own road in this industry. One thing for 2013 to knock off your bucket list SR: I want to get a starring role in a movie. I have a medium role in The Heat so my goal for 2013 is to land a starring role in a movie with an A-List actor. On my bucket list in life I want to be a starring role with Will Smith. Biggest blessing in the past year SR: It’s pretty much crazy. I have had 13 jobs since I was 13 years old and I always have a goal every single year. My goal in 2011 was to quit my 9-to-5 and in 2012 I wanted to be able to support not only myself but my family and my team members financially by becoming my own boss and land a movie role. I didn’t know how I was going to be in a movie. I didn’t know I was going to sign with an agent. It just kind of happened out of nowhere. But the biggest blessing has been spreading the message because that’s all in my name Spoken Reasons. So I got everything that I wanted this past year. My whole goal in the first place was to create a large audience that would accept me and allow me to say whatever I wanted to say, when I want to say it and how I want to say it. Getting people to listen to you instead of avoiding you is the greatest blessing you can ever have.

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CRAVE dfw We didn’t necessarily ring in the New Year donning our finest top hat and cane, but we most certainly rolled out our own private red carpet for the end of year blow-out, making the better dinner reservations and spending a bit more on cocktails than normal. The cocktail scene in Dallas has greatly improved and there are excellent watering holes that specialize in uppity libations. Look no further than Uptown’s Tate’s or Standard Pour for some of the best drinking in the city. However, there are times when a well-crafted cocktail made with booze from the bottom shelf, or a bottle of mass produced beer will suffice. This is when we seek out the dive bar. A good dive bar arguably could craft a

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By Steven Doyle -

bringing in plastic as they only accept cash. If your date will only sip vodka then you are in luck. Ships will allow you to bring in your own hard stuff and sell set ups. There are a few bars that have a beer and wine license in Dallas, but Ships does it best. The Time Out Tavern, or the TOT as it is known by its patrons, is a classic dive set in a better neighborhood. This is where you can enjoy a bit of relief after plopping down $500 for a steak dinner. You might be drinking with the busboy who cleaned your table at that steakhouse, or possibly the owner of the same establishment. The TOT enjoys this sense of sameness where all who can pay their small bar

center has seen better days, and so has the dive. In its hey-day Step Up was refined enough to serve its guests classic high balls such as a Harvey Wallbanger which was very popular back in the 70’s, but now you would be hard pressed to find the proper ingredients for that throwback cocktail. Step Up serves fast booze and beer with zero food options, unless you prefer to nibble on microwaved popcorn or taco from the occasional visit from a vendor making his rounds about the city. Step Up offers live music each Friday and Saturday, and a karaoke option on Thursdays. This is a great cougar bar, but gets its share of college girls when very busy. Lee Harvey’s is located near the Southside of Lamar and is a classic dive set in what looks to be a prison compound. The tall barbed wire fence perhaps protects the lounge from its own neighborhood. Patrons enjoy a selection of beer that includes such dive standards as PBR and Lone Star. The burgers and tacos are top shelf and there is always a good line up of bands each week. The Grapevine is a dive that brings together people of every proclivity. The drinks are possibly the most powerful the city has to offer, and they are priced well enough to pack the bar on any given evening. The patio is one of the very best and features its own basketball court. The Grapevine’s food is all fried but made in house and pretty tasty stuff, especially after swilling a few cocktails. This is hallowed ground where the original Herrera’s once stood before moving a block away to fancier digs.

Sometimes basic is best

fantastic cocktail, but most would agree that the drinks should be very strong, inexpensive, and flow quickly and easily. Beer is often sold by the pitcher or by the bucket-load, and a twenty dollar bill could definitely put you in a state where you may need a designated driver. These no frills bars can serve food, but they are often relegated to things made in a fry-o-lator or a simple burger. Dallas has plenty of these watering holes that dot the boozy map, and we have a list of some of the very best that should be on your beer-bucket list. Lakewood Landing is one of the quintessential dives set in East Dallas where hoards of drinkers gather to commune over Budweiser and cheap gin and tonics. If you stick around to midnight you will be treated to one of the bar’s house-made corndogs. The burgers are also legendary, but the true star of Lakewood’s show are the cheap drinks and camaraderie. Ships Lounge might possibly be the definitive dive as they only sell beer, and forget about

Steven Doyle

tab are created equal. Club Schmitz is another fantastic dive. This saloon is divier than most, offering safe haven for those looking to drink very early in the day. This is a classic “old man bar”, but visited by a variety of people on into the evening. This club requires no membership, but does serve up one of the best burgers and fried jalapenos in Dallas.

Adair’s Saloon rounds off our list for one of the best dives in Dallas, and is located in Deep Ellum. This dive serves up a fantastic burger along with some pretty good bands throughout the week. This is definitely a Lone Star beer bar, and you can buy it by the bucket-load. Feel free to take a pen to any surface you can and immortalize your thoughts along-side such luminaries as Willie Nelson and yours truly.


A Step Up Lounge is set in the middle of Dallas on Walnut Hill and Marsh Lane. The shopping Steven Doyle

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youtube is scaring me to death (with all the frightening ads) By peter gerstenzang -


sually, when I wander over to YouTube, I’m looking for diversion, some distraction from my day-to-day troubles. But in recent months, they’ve started posting really disturbing ads with the videos. Which promote everything, from the recent Mayan Apocalypse, to the problem of having to re-use catheters. Which actually makes The Apocalypse sound like a day at the beach. When did this haven of rock ‘n roll become the place that makes you wonder if you’ve got diabetes, toe jam or a problem with your uterus? Even if you’re a guy? I first encountered this frightening phenomenon when I went to play Bob Dylan’s “Tell Me Mama”. Across the bottom of the screen were the words, The Four Warning Signs Of A Heart Attack. As the music played, I clicked on this, suddenly sure I was experiencing the first two. Three, if you count listening to Bob. I was confronted by seniors describing burning in their chests, pain in their arms, shortness of breath. Okay, I’ve had those symptoms too, but only on the Ted Nugent channel. When the song was over, I freaked. And called my doctor to ask him to check my pacemaker. He said that would be impossible, since he’d never actually

installed one. Equally upsetting, was the ad at the bottom of The Sex Pistols’ “Holidays In The Sun”. It was for Nordstrom’s. This store figures you’re going to listen to the raging, nihilistic Pistols, then order elegant luggage? Where on earth does one of these things follow the other? Except in the Book of Genesis. As I searched YouTube for my favorite songs, the ads grew evermore depressing. There were The 7 Warning Signs Of Cancer - which I hoped was an edgy new Indie band. An ad for pills that could help you urinate with more force if you needed to. And pills that could stop you from urinating altogether, if you were sick of the whole thing. Ads for The Lifestyle Lift. Which, apparently, raises your chin, but has no effect on your social life. Next, an ad bordering Fallout Boy’s, “Grand Theft Autumn”, which promised to laser tattoos off. And how to donate them to poor people who can’t afford tattoos. I was bummed! I was tired of looking for my favorite songs, only to be confronted by the most disgusting stuff imaginable. And that doesn’t even include Meatloaf’s pitch-

challenged version of “America The Beautiful”. Was I going to have to skip the YouTube experience completely?. Luckily, it didn’t come to that. It seems with all the ghastly ads attached to videos, there was one surprising exception. Pasted across one by The Velvet Underground. Knowing how old their original fans are, I

The REVIEWser: Zero Dark Thirty


ith the riveting, compelling, and unshakably haunting Zero Dark Thirty, Kathryn Bigelow proves her historic Academy Awardwinning The Hurt Locker was no fluke. She takes the heightened realism of that movie one step further here, tapping into the cinema verité feel of The Battle of Algiers for a dramatic retelling of the decade-long search for Osama bin Laden. After a wrenching opening sequence of audio from 9/11 played against a black background, the movie proper begins with an extended, unnerving interrogation sequence (already a mini-controversy in and of itself) and concludes with a tense 40-minute real-time recreation of the raid on bin Laden’s compound in suburban Pakistan; in between is something akin to a crisp espionage procedural, anchored by a

chameleon-like performance from the ubiquitous and often bland Jessica Chastain as a CIA operative named Maya. She’s the quintessential manhunter: obsessive, stubborn, and singleminded. Maya (and the viewer) is thrown into the deep end from the get-go, arriving at a CIA black site in 2003, where veteran colleague Dan (the superbly mercurial Jason Clarke, equal parts charming and terrifying) is applying “enhanced interrogation techniques” to a detainee named Ammar (Reda Kateb, A Prophet). It’s a sequence that became a tempest in a teapot before the movie went into wide release; dismissed as unnecessary by some and as protorture statement by others. In truth, the movie suggests quite the opposite, as it spends the better part of two hours on Maya’s meticulous,

painstaking, and dogged sifting through leads and dead-ends over the course of years, usually without the support of her superiors (Kyle Chandler and Mark Strong), before they finally pan out. Bigelow and screenwriter Mark Boal (The Hurt Locker) put forth a clinical, matter-of-fact re-telling of recent events, with the traditional Hollywood conventions wisely tossed aside. There are no trite and unnecessary subplots, no clichéd back stories; all we know is what we’re given onscreen, which is kept lean and focused. In Maya, Boal and Chastain give us a flawed yet strong and confident heroine, similar to Homeland’s Carrie Mathison minus the jazz freak-outs and ugly crying. Her unflagging determination as she relentlessly pursues the one

figured it had to do with a policy covering final burial expenses. But, no. Instead, this screen sported a come-on for “Lovely Ukrainian Brides.” At first, I thought this might be the name of a Goth band. But, it was an ad for guys tired of striking out with American women. And who wanted to strike out with women from The Eastern Bloc. Okay, maybe it wasn’t the most romantic idea. But compared to cancer and arteriosclerosis, it was a freaking Candygram. I didn’t click the ad. Although I might someday. I listened to the Velvet’s song. And smiled. Maybe because this ad showed me YouTube isn’t just a gruesome repository of creepy and hateful sentiments. Nope, that’s Hank Williams Jr.’s page. Instead, it made clear, that in the video universe, like everywhere else? Pretty much everything, even when it comes to music, is relative.

By gary dowell - lead she believes in takes on an air of zealotry, and her devotion leaves little room in her life for, well, a life. The toll the job takes on her and her colleagues is a heavy one. Much the way Ben Affleck did with Argo, Bigelow succeeds in keeping us on the edge of our seats during the climax even though we already know how it’s going to end. The devil -- or, in this case, the genius -- is in the details, the hows and whys that led the operation to its conclusion. Such is the build-up and the execution by that the tension is vice-grip tight, and when it’s over we feel that same sense of relief we felt a year-and-a-half ago.

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Holy sh#t! The Cheetos just got hotter. Chester Cheetah kicked things up a notch with the Crunchy XXtra Flamin’ Hot Cheetos because regular hot just ain’t good enough anymore. Prepare your mouth for battle. Your salvia will beg for mercy…but there will be none.


If variety is the spice of life than ZestFest must be heaven’s gate. The annual edible extravaganza features great spicy food by celebrity chefs and exhibitors from sea to deliciously shining sea. Grab your tickets for the January 25-26 event and eat like your New Year’s resolution was to become a sumo wrestler.

TO Infiniti and beyond 2013 Infiniti FX37 By david goodspeed -

drawn to the hoodlines laid out before me and to be perfectly honest it took a while for my attention to return to matters at hand. Choosing one word to describe the scene I would have to pick “voluptuous.” There, I said it. Riddle me with scorn but I can think of nothing else other than this to describe the hood and fender lines the drivers sees while piloting the FX and, you know, I am not going to scold Infiniti one bit because of it. Infiniti made styling changes to the FX CUV lineup last year and the big news for 2013

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Keep yourself cozy yet stylish with the Steven Alan Valley Forge Chukka Boot, which sounds more like the official shoe of Chumbawamba than a Pennsylvania masterpiece of functional footwear. The handmade work of artisans Chukka has smooth black leather, detailed stitching, a cushioned footbed, and Vibram brick red sole that will drive the ladies crazy. ($270)


ost vehicles I have tested do little for my visual senses while sitting behind the wheel. Sure, many of them are appealing to my eye as I walk up to them but once behind the wheel there is little more. The idea is to keep your eyes on the road, right? Well, Infiniti has this “Essence” design influence that finds its way into production vehicles and the latest FX luxury crossover is no exception. After climbing behind the wheel of the FX37 we recently tested my eyes were immediately

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comes in the way of power and technology. Previously, the V-6-powered ute was named FX35, denoting the 3.5-liter displacement under the hood. This year Infiniti has moved to the 3.7-liter powerplant, thus changing the badging to FX37. The new motor generates 22 more ponies over the previous model (now 325hp and 267 lb. ft. of torque) and joins the larger 5.0-liter V-8 as engine choices for the FX lineup. Both engines are backed by slick seven-speed automatic gearbox (with downshift rev-matching) and running gear arrives in rear- or all-wheel drive. While 18-inch wheels and tires come standard on the FX37, our tester arrived in the Limited Edition trim which for us meant 10-spoke 21inch alloy wheels at each corner shod with allseason performance tires. Given the driving experience our FX37 tester provided I don’t know why Infiniti even offers the V-8 anymore, especially given the approaching CAFÉ regulations. The V-6 offers more than ample power and the delivery is smooth and evenly distributed throughout the rpm range. Were you blindfolded when walking up to the vehicle you might not even know this is a crossover as it definitely feels more like a sports sedan with ample ground clearance from behind the wheel.

Infiniti has not forsaken other aspects in the FX37 for that of on-road performance. While packing in all of the latest in comfort and convenience amenities, as well as a full complement of safety equipment, the FX37 sees a new Moving Object Detection technology added to its Around View Monitor. This system utilizes four small superwide-angle cameras to provide a 360 degree view around the vehicle that now also detects moving objects coming into the field of view the driver may not see such as in parking and backing scenarios. Now for the bad news. Fuel economy is rated at 16 mpg city and 22 mpg highway and requires premium fuel. Pricing begins at $44,850 for a “base” FX37 with our AWD Limited Edition tester rolling in at $53,700. For the more practical-minded, Infiniti does offer the EX crossover and for those with growing families there is the new JX model but for the driving enthusiast the FX line is most likely your cup of tea, just try to keep your eyes on the road and off the “Essence.”

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january 2 - 8, 2013


if only there was toilet paper

Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom and she said yes. He took a dump and afterwards discovered there wasn’t any toilet paper so he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, “What do you have in your hand?” Little Johnny said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away.” He was then sent to the principal’s office and the Principal asked him, “What do you have in your hand?” Little Johnny replied, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away.” He was sent home and his mom asked him, “What do you have in your hand?” Little Johnny said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away.” He was then sent to his room and told to stay there till his dad came home. His dad came home, went upstairs and asked Little Johnny, “What do you have in your hand?” So again Little Johnny said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away.” Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, “Open your hand!” Little Johnny opened his hand and said, “Look Dad you scared the shit out of him!”

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 You surprise the hell out of everyone by showing them that you can make a better bowl of chili with your asshole. Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Try not to take next week’s failings to personally. We’re sure that nine times out of ten you would have beaten your compulsive masturbation disorder. Pisces February 19 – March 20 Your deep pockets will pay off this week when your $100 in cash inspires the recipient to have sex with you.


Blitz Funnys

HO, HO, HO, OH, NO, NO, NO Last Christmas Mark Giles, of Lakewood, Colorado, bought his 5-year-old son, Braydon, a refurbished Nintendo 3DS from a local GameStop. Only problem, when the boy asked his older brother to delete pictures, they turned out to be nine very graphic XXX-rated porn images. (And, on Christmas morning, a 9-year-old girl in Sacramento, California, found porn videos on her Android tablet. While in October a Georgia mother filed a lawsuit against Sprint and RadioShack, claiming her 13-year-old daughter found porn on her cell phone.)

Texas News reported in December 2012 a geneticist, 55-yearold Raymond Favero of Braidwood, Illinois, must pay $30,000 and serve three years of probation for illegally obtaining valuable semen from whitetail deer in East Texas. Texas law bars exporting whitetail deer or mule deer amid concerns over transmittable diseases. The semen was estimated to be worth $92,000. B-U-T-T-E-R FINGERS Have you ever accidently “pocket dialed” on your cell phone? Ashlie Alewine, 22, and her sister, Nakilya Wright, 18, were arrested after one of their phones inadvertently called the Inn Place Hotel in Naples, Florida, and Ashlie’s voice was recognized. That’s because the girls had just robbed that hotel a few minutes before.


Aries March 21 – April 19 There’s more to life than just sitting on the couch watching old episodes of The Big Bang Theory, but then again for you maybe not. Taurus April 20 – May 20 People will get angrier and angrier as you try to tell them amusing anecdotes about your life while trapped in an elevator. Gemini May 21 – June 21 Nothing much of importance will happen to you this week, but the stars thank you for checking in.

Cancer June 22 – July 22 While it’s true that animals like you, it’s because you’re fat and slow and can feed the whole pack for days. Leo July 23 – August 22 Try to get back to basics this week by learning to dress yourself and properly use eating utensils. Virgo August 23 – September 22 Now is this time for you to take control of your life and destiny, but then again, this is you we’re talking about.

ACROSS 1. Dogfish 5. Shelter 10. Chooses 14. Devotees 15. Colonic 16. A dog wags one 17. Intonation 19. Small island 20. Caviar 21. Motionless 22. Modelled 23. Fickle 25. A  n edict of the Russian tsar 27. Second (abbrev.) 28. Distinction 31. Step 34. Amount of hair 35. Deity 36. Killer whale 37. Brass musicalinstruments 38. Deceased

39. Neither ___ 40. He flies a plane 41. Wavy 42. Layover 44. Female pronoun 45. Texas hold-em 46. Not deep 50. Overact 52. Fragrant oil 54. Residue from a fire 55. Cotton bundle 56. Detestation 58. Norse god 59. A person who is owned by someone 60. Stigma 61. Where a bird lives 62. Stitched 63. Arid

Libra September 23 – October 22 You will start a new trend on Twitter #KMN – when you tell your life story at the old folks home and they start pulling the plug. Scorpio October 23 – November 21 To win your argument with your boss you must have the right set of tools in hand. We recommend using a sledge hammer or an axe. Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 You’ll find yourself alone and taking on new challenges this week when you decide to announce to the world that all women are just crazy bitches.

DOWN 1. All excited 2. Country estate 3. Deduce 4. American Sign Language 5. Feverish 6. Prank 7. Head covering 8. A type of compensation 9. Indian bread 10. Indolent 11. Traveler 12. Scrabble piece 13. Sleigh 18. Fruity-smelling compound 22. Shallow metal containers 24. Largest continent 26. Smooch 28. Mistake 29. Anthracite 30. Countercurrent 31. Male offspring 32. Gait faster than a walk

33. Citadel 34. Adequate 37. Apiary 38. Affaire d’honneur 40. Jab 41. Small trout-like fish 43. Strong 44. Distributed equally 46. Kitchen appliance 47. Javelin 48. Academy award 49. What place? 50. Black, in poetry 51. Fabricated 53. Defrost 56. Donkey 57. S

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Pocketful of Peens Thorned Not Scorned

Posie Pocket has experienced some puzzling dating situations. Instead of hardening her heart, she’s reflecting on these encounters with hope and bright eyes for the future. By sharing her stories, she’s revealing the lessons learned and getting a good laugh while on the lookout for love.

Every Gal Needs Her G.I. Joe Kiss ‘Twas the eve of 2012 and I was hitting the town with friends. It was also the first New Year’s Eve in six years I wasn’t attached to a beau. Although I was treading in unfamiliar territory, I wasn’t fretting it in the slightest. I was excited to cut loose, perhaps get drunk and have a midnight single girl kiss. Truth be told, I had never been drunk in my 25 years. So, leaving a broken heart behind in 2011, I thought it best to wash it down with some drops of vodka. The dinner group all gathered together in a tootoo trendy sushi place. I am not a fan of sushi, but I decided I’d go with the flow. Something else I was trying out in the new year. After we gobbled our Asian fare, it was time to pop the champagne and start shaking our asses. We certainly lucked out on the weather. It was pleasantly warm, giving all the gals in Dallas an excuse to be scantily clad. Never have I ever seen so many skin-tight sequin dresses and jiggling jugs. As we roamed the main drag, looking for the most magical New Year’s Eve spot, we decided upon a jam-packed, low key one. We were fortunate enough to snag a spot on the patio. Immediately, I scanned the room for a potential hottie. I was disappointed as I fancied none of the brutes in the bar. The ones who were remotely kissable already had a half-drunk girl attached to their hip. It was 10:30 p.m. and I was tempted to call a cab and call it a night. My bright green sweat pants were calling my name, and so were

my fluffy pillows. Just as I was texting my roommate, “This place is a bust,” I caught the gaze of a man with a nice face. We did the whole “make eye contact and look away” number. After that coy little dance five times over, a pixie-like gay fluttered his way over and basically plopped himself in my lap. It was the happiest I’d been all night. A new friend and he was so jovial and kind. He cordially small-talked me and then said his friend was sweet on me. I told my new gay-guy pal I was open to a New Year’s Eve merger so his friend best be hitting me up. Soon enough, the message was relayed to my suitor and we were eye to eye. As I said, this suitor had a cute face. But his wardrobe looked like what a girl would wear if she was a dude. Way too accessorized and pink. I need a man with no-name jeans and a t-shirt. Whatever. At this point, it was creeping towards midnight and this was one of the most handsome guys I‘d seen in the joint. I decided to overlook his one-stop shopping trip to Express Men buttoned up with a vest. It just so happened that my new New Year’s Eve lover was a bit of a patriot. He was an Army captain and I am a sucker for a fella in uniform. Over the course of the next hour, I dove deep into my vodka waters and he shared some brave tales of overseas. At ten ‘til he asked if it was okay to kiss me on the cheek at midnight. I looked that soldier dead in the eyes and said, “Captain, you can kiss me on the mouth!” Perhaps my bold words were a result of the vodka, champagne concoction I’d been nursing all night. Or perhaps I felt it was my patriotic duty to smooch this dauntless soldier. Either way, I knew I was going to have my single girl kiss when the clock struck midnight. As the countdown completed and Ryan Seacrest graciously welcomed us into 2012, my lips locked with the captain‘s. It was a sweet, fun kiss. No licking or sucking thank goodness. As the night went on, I had a ball with my new find. He twirled me around the dance floor and I pretended I was at a USO festivity. The night came to an end and it was time to bid farewell to my G.I. Joe. Like a true gentleman, he asked

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for my phone number. Without hesitation I gave it to him and trotted on home with my group of friends. They were all so excited for me that I struck a match before midnight. The next day I received a text from Captain, just as I expected to. What I didn’t expect was for him to be kind of infatuated so quickly. He was saying incredibly flattering things, but I somewhat questioned his sincerity. His texts and phone calls didn’t let up. He would call me just as if I’d been his ol’ gal for years. He requested my email address because he wanted to send a bunch of questions. No offense but this seemed very teen-ish to me. I hesitantly obliged and he sent me the most weird as hell questions: Craziest place you ever had sex? Are you a sexual person? How often do you like to have sex? Suddenly my “innocent New Year’s kiss” became tainted. Why did this guy have to be gross and sex-crazed? He then brought up going on a cruise together. That insinuates sexual relations and a shared bed. I ain’t some twocent hussy who will hike up her skirt and turn some tricks. Granted, I did give him a midnight smooch, but it was freakin’ close-mouthed. A boy knows if he gets some tongue on the first encounter then she’s probably fairly easy. I mean he didn’t even try to come home with me that night so I assumed he was an upstanding man. I’m sure he would have loved to have me balancing on his balls come sun up, but that wasn’t gonna happen. So just like the other weirdos I cross paths with, his texts soon went unanswered. A full year has come and gone and I am not seeking a single girl midnight kiss. I’m perfectly content being wrapped up in blankets come December 31 at home with friends this year. I’ve fulfilled my patriotic duty and don’t plan on locking lips with another random man any time soon. Setting the stage with Captain, 2012 was a lush year in the dating department. Unfortunately the crops were plenty but they were certainly not quality. I’ll toast to 2013 with a can of Diet Coke and hope to be snoozing by 12:15 a.m.


AnsweR Guy with

Arthur Bellfield

Dear Arthur, I recently made the mistake of watching a Jason Staham movie with my longtime girlfriend. About halfway through the movie she started talking about how ripped he was and how she would never feel in danger if he were around. She even talked about how his physique would improve his lovemaking. Unfortunately for me I am a short stocky fellow with zero MMA skill. Help   Fortunately for you I have a cousin Alex “Warpath” Russ who is a local MMA fighter, so I can relate. The dude is seriously built like an action figure and has the fighting stats to back it up! I have never entertained any physical insecurity nor pondered if he could sexually satisfy a woman better than me, simply because he was in better shape. My mind simply doesn’t allow for those types of comparisons. What your girlfriend is really saying is that she’s sexually unsatisfied! WARNING: Playing video games, drinking cheap beer, and eating Mexican food all day are a quick way to become a two-minute man in bed. Or, repeat the same positions regularly! LAZY SEX EXCUSES ARE NO LONGER ALLOWED! This is 2013 and no matter how you look, there should never be any excuses for not pleasing your woman in bed. Girls like for their man to be a bit aggressive in the bedroom, hence the Jason Staham fantasy. No matter what romantic comedies tell you; making love to a woman only lasts for 10 minutes -anything over that is just pure heated sex with a capital F! Step outside of your comfort zones and experiment a little in the bedroom. Meaning if she wants to watch lesbian porn while you kiss her lower regions! Or, if she wants to do a little historical roleplaying with you playing the part as King Henry VIII then by all means-GO FOR IT!

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 15

january 2 - 8, 2013


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