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december 12 - 18, 2012

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 13

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 13

SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 2012 - 2013 College Bowl Schedule 4 Johnny Heis-Manziel 4 Up A Creek 5 Jerry’s World 6 Hoop Dreams 7 Going For Goal 8 Forever Young 8 Cover Story What’s Next For 2013 10 What’s Next For 2013 Cont’d 11 BLITZ Entertainment Summer 12 No Man Left Behind 13 aWARds: Best War Movies 13 Crave DFW 14 Hobbit Movie Review 15 2013 Fantasy Flicks 15 Gearshift 16 Respect the Tech 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Pocketful of Peens 18 The Answer Guy 18

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Creative Director Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Design Michael H. Lee Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Ethan Harmon, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller Contributing Photographers Steven Doyle, Shutterbug459 Contributing Writers Cote Bailey, Arthur Bellfield, Jay Betsill, Steven Doyle, Andrew J. Hewett, Jan Hubbard, Will Martin, Pocket Posie, Melissa Smith

CONTACT US Phone: 214-529-7370 • FAX: 972-960-8618 Email:

On Deck What’s Next? By Keysha Hogan - @TheKeysha


o matter how leagues fall apart and reorganize or how technology and science influence the games one thing will always hold true: Cash is King. And as long as that holds true, then the destiny of professional sports lies squarely with you. Social media combined with a little outrage and hard cash are quickly becoming a pathway for fans to speak directly to league commissioners and demand the changes they want to see. The recent NFL referee lockout and the ending of the BCS are just two examples of how you have helped tip the scales in the decision making process. Every year the leagues open up more and more of themselves to you. Shows like HBO’s Hard Knocks, NBC’s The Contender, MTV’s

Two-A-Days and cable’s ever-expanding list of sports focused channels are an ambitious attempt to show you every second of behind the scenes action available. Getting scores texted to your phone was once the calling card of the obsessed sports fan. Now you can use every screen in your house to follow the teams and games that matter to you. With’s At Bat app you can track every pitch, and the KYCK app can help you follow any international soccer club from the comfort

of your home. I saw plenty of you standing your ground on Black Friday to get a TV with fantasy football and Facebook apps so you can manage your team, talk trash and monopolize the living room all at once. Soon you’ll be able to view sporting events from any vantage point in the stadium, and toggle between the player’s view point and fan-cams in the stands. From home you might be able to track the speed and heart rate of your favorite athletes as tiny sensors are embedded into their clothing. How amazing would it have been to see Olympian Usain Bolt’s biometrics flashing across the screen as he destroyed the world record?! In the coming years, when the market becomes saturated with backstage access, networks and leagues will start figuring out new ways to captivate your minds and wallets. This summer the MLB’s All-Star Game added a new element to the All-Star voting. In the last four hours of balloting, fans could tweet their vote with a designated hash tag and have it count towards the total ballot count. Imagine in the future teams using Twitter during the games to make decisions in the second half. Think Romo needs a rest? Well then just hop on Twitter and use #BenchRomo. Think Ron Washington’s lineups need tweaking? Tweet #WashedOutLineUp. Better yet, get your followers to do the same and build a small cyber army to sway any game in real time. All of this technology and innovation only serves to improve the experience for you. Over the years devices and apps will change and fade away, but the constant goal is to create loyal bonds that keep you tied to the sports you love to watch.

december 12 - 18, 2012




uncle walter on Man of Next Year

BLITZ Weekly

P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • Copyright 2012 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www.

Big deal. I’d rather be the man with the next beer anyway.

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december 12 - 18, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 13

2012-2013 college bowl schedule

johnny football is now johnny HEIS-MANZIEL

Gildan New Mexico

Nevada vs. Arizona

Dec. 15




Famous Idaho Potato Bowl

Toledo vs. Utah St.

Dec. 15



By jan hubbard -

S. D. County Credit Union Poinsettia


Dec. 20 7PM


Beef ‘O’ Brady’s St. Petersburg

C. Florida vs. Ball St.

Dec. 21 6:30PM


R+L Carriers New Orleans

E. Carolina vs. La-La

Dec. 22 11AM


MAACO Las Vegas

Washington vs. Boise St.

Dec. 22 2:30PM


ne of the byproducts of winning the Heisman Trophy is dealing with speculation of how successful you might be in the NFL. In the case of Johnny Manziel, that might be considered premature because he is a freshman

Sheraton Hawaii

Fresno St. vs. SMU

Dec. 24


Little Caesars

W. Kentucky vs. C. Michigan Dec. 26 6:30PM


Military Bowl Pres. By Northrop Grumman


Dec. 27 2PM



Cincinnati vs. Duke

Dec. 27 5:30PM


Bridgepoint Education Holiday

Baylor vs. UCLA

Dec. 27 8:45PM


AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl

Ohio vs. UL-Monroe

Dec. 28 1PM


Russell Athletic

Rutgers vs. Va. Tech

Dec. 28


Meineke Car Care of Texas

Minnesota vs. Texas Tech

Dec. 28 8PM

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl

Rice vs. Air Force

Dec. 29 10:45AM ESPN

New Era Pinstripe Bowl

W. Virginia vs. Syracuse

Dec. 29 2:15PM


Kraft Fight Hunger

Navy vs. Arizona St.

Dec. 29



Valero Alamo

Texas vs. Oregon St.

Dec. 29



Buffalo Wild Wings

TCU vs. Michigan St.

Dec. 29






Franklin American Mortgage Music City NC St. vs. Vanderbilt

Dec. 31 11AM


Hyundai Sun Bowl

USC vs. Georgia Tech

Dec. 31


AutoZone Liberty

Iowa St. vs. Tulsa

Dec. 31 2:30PM



LSU vs. Clemson

Dec. 31


ESPN Gator Bowl

Miss. St. vs. Northwestern

Jan. 1



Heart of Dallas

Purdue vs. Oklahoma St.

Jan. 1



Capital One Bowl

Georgia vs. Nebraska

Jan. 1



Outback Bowl

S. Carolina vs. Michigan

Jan. 1



Rose Bowl Game Presented By VIZIO Wisconsin vs. Stanford

Jan. 1



Discover Orange Bowl

N. Illinois vs. Florida St.

Jan. 1



Allstate Sugar Bowl

Louisville vs. Florida

Jan. 2



Tostitos Fiesta

Oregon vs. Kansas St.

Jan. 3



AT&T Cotton Bowl

Texas A&M vs. Oklahoma

Jan. 4



BBVA Compass Bowl

Pittsburgh vs. Ole Miss

Jan. 5



Kent St. vs. Arkansas St.

Jan. 6



Jan. 7



Discover BCS National Championship Alabama vs. Notre Dame Visit us online at


Cowboy quarterback in the making? and celebrated his 20th birthday only last week. Manziel, however, was a red shirt last year, so after next season, he will be three years removed from high school. Under NFL rules, he could apply for the draft. It’s easy to see circumstances that would push him to do that – a second Heisman and a national championship. If he won the second Heisman and the Aggies, say, did not make the title game or even the BCS, however, it wouldn’t be surprising to see him return for his final season as a junior. Then again, this is a guy bursting with confidence and scouts are already questioning his height, so he might thumb his nose at the doubters and come to the NFL. Wouldn’t he look good in a Cowboys uniform, learning his craft from Tony Romo? Because of his height, listed at 6-feet although some claim that’s exaggerated, it is doubtful that Manziel would be the No. 1 pick in the draft. Perhaps something will change between now and the time he leaves college, but you get the distinct feeling that he is not projected as a franchise quarterback. So perhaps he falls in the draft. Maybe like Tim Tebow, he goes late in the first round. Maybe like Andy Dalton, he’d be a second round pick. He has shortness in common with Russell Wilson, so maybe he’d go in the third. The point is that unlike guys like Robert Griffin

III or Andrew Luck, Manziel does not fit the prototype of a great NFL quarterback so there might be a chance for the Cowboys to grab him. And that would be great if they did. At age 20, Manziel is 12 years younger than Romo. Although it wouldn’t appeal to him, Manziel could benefit greatly from being Romo’s understudy. Let’s face it, Romo still has good years left. Peyton Manning is 36 and showing no signs of declining – and that’s after missing a year with nerve injury in his neck. Before my email box lights up, I’m well aware that Romo is not Peyton Manning. Sometimes, he’s not even Shutterbug459 Eli Manning. But Romo is easily in the second tier of NFL quarterbacks and figures to be there another three years at least. If Manziel were to join the Cowboys, it wouldn’t hurt him to take the Aaron Rodgers route. For three years, Rodgers sat on the bench and watched Brett Favre. It proved to be a great internship. He obviously learned a lot and had mastered the offense by the time he became the starter. The Packers went 6-10 his first year, but they have won 10 or more games each season and one Super Bowl over the last three years. Much could happen in the next couple of years. Who knows? The thing about a player falling in the draft is that only one team has to like him. Had the Broncos not taken Tebow with the 25th pick in 2010, Tebow could have fallen as far as the fourth round. The general consensus on Manziel may be that he is a risky pick in the first round. But it takes only one team to change that. Word is that Manziel is similar in size to Drew Brees – and we should remember that Brees has won a Super Bowl. But the most important thing to remember is that despite Manziel’s brilliance, he’s only a kid. He is going to get stronger, he’s going to mature as a player, he’s going to increase his football smarts and everything suggests he’s going to continue being a winner. In the future, the Cowboys are going to need a quarterback like that.

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 13

december 12 - 18, 2012


UP a creek

can kobe lead the lakers out of troubled waters? By C. Patterson -


ep, there’s no doubt about it the Lakers have hit a definite pothole on the road to success. Suddenly the yellow in their uniforms isn’t as bright, the purple not as deep – teams seem not to fear seeing them on the schedule. Forget the NBA and nevermind the Western Conference; it appears that the Lakers are no longer even the best team in their own zip code. And all of this has transpired while under the watchful eye of Kobe Bean Bryant. For the moment at, the Black Mamba appears to have been snake charmed. The rough start to the season could be just what we need to see one of the league’s all-time great players reemerge with a vengeance of sorts. A last hoorah so to speak. Wouldn’t that be a story for the books, the battle ravaged warrior with more past behind him than future in front of him rallying the troops to victory? Stories that good are normally reserved for the etchings of pyramid walls. If any man could do it, Kobe can. But the odds are indeed stacked against him. His team at this point lacks focus and cohesion. Newcomers struggle to find purpose and veterans grow anxious of the location of the guillotine’s next plummet. Throw the fans longing for Phil Jackson into the mix and you have what may resemble a hopeless situation. New head coach Mike D’Antoni has inherited the best job in sports and staying above water will consist of more than just staying above .500. He has to summon the energies of Lakers past to control his L.A. future. D’Antoni must be able to ignite their passion for play like Riley and calm their minds like Jackson all while maintaining a sense of self and make his own mark. But it can’t be done without Kobe. The 14-time All-

Star has to buy into D’Antoni’s system, as well as, his personality 100 percent. As the Mamba goes, so goes the Lakers. That purple and gold bravado is all hinged on Bryant believing in his coach. Gasol’s fear that he would be shipped off to some distant land before the trade deadline will diminish. Nash’s pace will steady and he will perfect his role. Howard will again become a force to be reckoned with instead of GM Mitch Kupchak’s most expensive Christmas ornament and Metta Wold Peace will out rebound the rest of the league. Unfortunately, they are a long way from believing. Upcoming games against the practice squads of the NBA (Cavs, Wizards, Sixers) should give them just what they need to gel and rebuild their confidence win-by-win – either that or this tidal wave of calamity will wash them so far out to sea that they will have drifted past the horizon never to be seen again. It inevitably comes down to decisions. Who will D’Antoni be in the locker room? Will they choose to trust each other? A foolish gambler would count them out magnify their shortcomings and dismiss their advantages – a large one being a leader who has amassed 30,000 points and counting, five World Championships and has an insatiable hunger to win. Beaten, battered, but not broken and shaken, startled, but not sunk. The Lakers should heed this as an S.O.S. moment (Save Our Season) sound the alarm and awaken the survival instincts within or risk being dragged down to the depths below by a Kraken of their own creation and find themselves in Davy Jones’ locker of lost seasons. still #winning after all these years Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook


december 12 - 18, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 13 Don’t cry Dez, Jerry’s just a mean old man

Darryl Briggs

By Jay Betsill – @thefamousjay


cowboys rally for an emotional win

he Dallas Cowboys overcame a nine-point deficit in the closing minutes with Dan Bailey’s 40-yard field goal as time ran out which put them ahead 20-19 over the Cincinnati Bengals. A game that was drawn up as a meeting of two teams fighting for their playoff lives became more about real life when the news spread Saturday afternoon that Cowboys nose tackle Josh Brent had been arrested for intoxication manslaughter following the early morning car accident along Highway 114 in Irving that took the life of practice squad linebacker Jerry Brown. “It’s a hard, hard situation we’re in. There’s no playbook for this sort of thing in life.” quarterback Tony Romo, who finished 25 of 43 for 268 yards with a touchdown, an interception and three sacks, said. “The last 24 hours has really been something I’ve never experienced. It’s something I’ve never experienced, and I think a lot of guys will tell you that. It’s just been a roller coaster of emotions.” After everything the Cowboys organization dealt with off the field on Saturday, their victory at Paul Brown Stadium on Sunday may have saved their season. Dallas improved to 7-6 to stay in the playoff hunt in the NFC. Cincinnati, with former TCU quarterback Andy Dalton and former Cowboys corners Terence Newman and Adam “Pacman” Jones and defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer fell to 7-6. “That win, it’s for Jerry, and it was for his family,” Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant said. “I felt like we couldn’t come back in with anything less. I think we went out there, and we fought. With the situation that we have going on, the

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best way that we can. We put that out there. We put everything out there.” The Cowboys, out of respect to the tragedy, canceled their annual Christmas party that was scheduled for Monday at Cowboys Stadium. Instead the team planned on having a memorial service for Brown early this week. Details are still being worked out. Next up for the Cowboys is a home game against the Pittsburgh Steelers. Pittsburgh is coming off a bad home loss at the hands of the San Diego Chargers. Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger completed 22-of-42 passes for 285 yards and three touchdowns in his return from spraining his right shoulder and dislocating a rib in an overtime win against Kansas City in Week 10. Most of Roethlisberger’s numbers came after his team trailed by 24 points to the Chargers, who came into Heinz Field on a 1-7 skid. “We didn’t play well at all,” Roethlisberger said. “I didn’t play well. I didn’t make enough plays to help us win.” The Steelers offensive line struggled throughout the game as they only gained 69 yards on the ground, led by Jonathan Dwyer’s 32 yards on eight carries. As for the defense, they put little pressure on the Chargers’ Philip Rivers, who came into the game as the second-most sacked quarterback in the AFC. This will be Pittsburgh’s first time to play the Cowboys in Arlington, but their second trip to Cowboys Stadium after falling 31-25 to the Green Bay Packers in Super Bowl XLV on February 6, 2011. Kick off is 3:25 p.m. with the game televised on CBS.

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 13

december 12 - 18, 2012


By Geoff Case -

Mayo Keeps Spread Thin Mavs in the Fight Since Dirk Nowitzki became a Dallas Maverick it’s been always the same. If the big German was out with an injury, his team would be hard pressed to find a win. Usually it would take a team effort for success to take place with extra scoring and shots coming from across the roster. It’s like this with other superstars across the league but no team loses their identity quicker that the Mavericks without Nowitzki. A part of the reason is because over the years they’ve tweaked their schemes and rosters to be built around a jump-shooting big man, a rarity in the league as well as NBA history. In essence, when the Mavericks lose Dirk they lose their go-to offensive system. The spacing for the plays becomes tighter and defenders can cheat to cover dribble penetration. On paper, the Mavericks look to be set up to weather the storm with two jump shooting big men in Elton Brand and Chris Kaman. However, neither has been able to set-up on a nightly basis to hit that mid-range jumper that the system sets up so cleanly. What is OJ Mayo’s true ceiling? These 2012 Dallas Mavericks are built a little different. While the Mavericks are only batting around .500 to begin the season, we’ve finally seen a singular player shoulder the 20 PPG scoring load for a sustainable period of time in Dirk’s absence. Mayo erupted for 40 points against the Rockets last Saturday with key buckets down the stretch that sealed the Mavs victory. It was the first time I can remember another player putting the team on their back in crunch-time outside of Nowitzki since the Big 3 days of Nash, Finley and Nowitzki. To drive the point home even further, Dallas hadn’t seen a 40-point game from a backcourt starter since Michael Finley in 2002. So what is Mayo’s true ceiling? Memphis Grizzles fans will tell you a tale of immense potential soured by epic hot and cold streaks. Mayo entered a team of established veterans and never fully established

a role. Untimely he was assigned the role of 6th man off the bench but never truly flourished unless he was in a starting role. However, Memphis needed a hard-nosed defender at the starting 2 and with Tony Allen on the roster, Mayo was the odd man out. So why has Mayo been able to flourish in his run with the Mavericks? The first being Rick Carlisle’s willingness (maybe desperation) to let Mayo fire at will. Mayo has always been a deadly shooter but he’s never been giving this freedom within a system. Secondly, the Mavericks simply have no other options with Brand and Kaman struggling to find their range. Either Mayo handles the scoring most nights or the Mavericks will most likely lose the game. There has never been this type of responsibility put on Mayo and he’s proving to everyone that he can handle it most nights. While the season might not be going as well as everyone had envisioned, Mayo’s scoring has been something to watch. Upcoming schedule: 12/14 @ Toronto Raptors: The Toronto Raptors’ lack of depth has been one of their major downfalls this season, which doesn’t bode well with this match-up against the Mavericks. 12/15 @Minnesota Timberwolves: Ricky Rubio might be back in the line-up for this game. The Wolves are a different team with him at the helm and we will see whether or not they are true contenders. 12/18 Philadelphia 76ers: The Sixers got the best of Dallas on their home floor last month and the Mavs will be looking to return the favor in Dallas. This is a winnable game for the Mavericks as they begin to gear up for Nowitzki’s return.

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december 12 - 18, 2012

veteran player makes a difference By melissa smith - @blitzweekly


he Dallas Sidekicks have begun their comeback season with a perfect 4-0 record. This year’s team is comprised of players new to the indoor game, as well as several Sidekick veterans. One of the most recognizable names fans are cheering for is midfielder Nick Stavrou, who decided to rejoin the team for his eleventh season. Stavrou was 22 years old when he arrived in Dallas to play for the Sidekicks. A recent graduate of Cleveland State, he had plans to stay in Ohio and be drafted by the MISL team he had been training with. The Sidekicks, however, snatched him up as the 10th overall selection in the draft on February 13, 1991. “I definitely had some hesitations about moving to Dallas, but the group of players who

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helped me get situated and learn the game made my point of view change,” Stavrou said. “That’s hopefully what I can do for the young guys coming in now.” The 43-year-old has spent his entire professional career with the Sidekicks. His 10 seasons with the franchise included three league championships in 1993, 1998 and 2001. At different points he lead the team in blocked shots, game-winning goals, playoff assists and championship game goals. He scored 205 regular season goals and four playoff goals. When the Sidekicks folded in 2004, Stavrou decided to keep his family in Texas and further embed himself in DFW’s evergrowing soccer community, coaching club, high school and college teams. “North Texas in any sport is such a competitive market,” Stavrou said. “I like the standard from a playing and coaching point of view. It’s a great place to be.” With the reformation of the franchise, Stavrou was excited at the opportunity to get back out onto the field. This year he has lent both his playing and coaching experience to his young Sidekicks teammates, some of whom are still getting used to the indoor game. “When you get into a professional way of thinking, it’s a completely different game,” Stavrou said.

“There is definitely a learning curve for some of the young guys. I think it was always Tatu’s intention to get some of the older guys involved in helping out on and off the field.” The Sidekicks have sold out the Allen Event Center for its first two home games of the season. Stavrou is impressed by the dedication of the team’s fans, both old and new. “When we sign autographs after the games, it’s amazing to see people that have been fans for 20 years,” Stavrou said. “The Sidekicks were always such a big Dallas Sidekicks part of the Stavrou is a guiding force on and off the field community, and I hope we can be we’re used to being.” Stavrou said. “On the that way again. It’s also field, I feel we’ve got a team that can challenge great to meet the new anybody.” generation of kids out there and show them The Sidekicks will take on the Texas Strikers in that professional players can be touchable, their next match on Saturday, December 15 at can be role models and can hopefully make a 7:00 p.m. at the Allen Event Center. difference in their lives.” The team has already begun to make a Individual and season tickets are on sale now difference on the field, winning all four of their through Ticketmaster or the team website. For games so far this season. There are 12 more more information, visit www.dallassidekicks. regular season games to go, but he is confident net or call 214-550-6130. the mix of veteran and young players is paying off, and believes the Sidekicks have what it takes. “I think with the way we’re playing, the Sidekicks can be a contender, which is what

“North Texas in any sport is such a competitive market”

forever young

michael young heads to philadelphia By will martin -


ne of the toughest aspects about being a fan of something is the knowledge that the moment you get too comfortable or too accustomed to familiarity a change comes in a swift and sad way. I mean, will anyone remember Emmitt Smith as a Cardinal? Joe Namath as a Ram? Michael Jordan as a Wizard? Johnny Unitas as a Charger? Babe Ruth as a Boston Brave? Of course not! We identify with that which made them famous. Their original team and teammates. And so it goes with someone here in North Texas that no one seemed to want upon his arrival from Toronto in late 2000. A 13 year odyssey for a team captain who played second, shortstop, third, and first will now be a symbol for what was to become a resurgence in Texas Ranger pride. Michael Young is officially a Philadelphia Phillie. The Rangers will now get some young pitching arms (translation: Zack Greinke is a rich Dodger) and Ron Washington can designate a new team captain after eight years of ownership by Michael Young. At first he was the unwanted player. Dissed and publicly spoken poorly about from Tom Hicks to John Hart. Never mind the fact that he had

over 200 hits during the 2003-2007 seasons in Arlington. I’ll always respect the way he put the interests of the team first when volunteering to play shortstop in 2004 when Alfonso Soriano came through for a spell. Michael was even okay with playing third base when informed about the prowess of Elvis Andrus. Not to be outdone one had to wonder what the Ranger Captain was thinking in 2010-2011 when Adrian Beltre was signed to a long term deal. To many it seemed like once again the guy nobody wanted answered and silenced all of his critics with his bat and his glove. For quite a while Michael Young was the toughest batter to retire with two strikes. Able to harness his swing to drive balls into right center. Sometimes for power but usually to advance a runner. This captain displayed a healthy set of stones when dealing with the ambivalence of the front office. Even now with the right to decline a trade with over ten years of Texas servitude. Baseball like all sports is a business. Michael wants to play. Michael can do that in Philadelphia and will be welcomed by the Phillies faithful for his work ethic and his bat control at the plate. Lots of play at third base. Had Michael stayed in Arlington he would have

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been a utility player at best. It is often stated that an established athlete wants to be able to go out on his own terms when he is ready. My guess is there is still a solid two to three years left in Michael Young. A chance at 2,500 career hits and the knowledge he will one day be in the Texas Ranger Hall Of Fame. Maybe Cooperstown. Even with the aforementioned indifference shown to him upon his arrival, Rangers fans are about to see what happens when the heart and soul of your team is sent elsewhere for business purposes. You don’t replace a leader like that. You can only hope to find a new one to appeal to the team, the fans, and the fan base. Michael Young was a throwback to a different time. Strong, stoic, and even consistent in good times and bad. He was the only person I felt for when the Rangers came up one strike away twice of a title in 2011. May he find that elusive gold in Pennsylvania.

Darryl Briggs

The face of the Texas Rangers has moved on

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 13

december 12 - 18, 2012


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december 12 - 18, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 13


one is the year of the Mayan calendar, Texas secession hopes, Honey Boo-Boo and the awkwardly hilarious knockout of Manny Pacquiao. In comes the the year of Spock, crystal meth selling school teachers on cable, and the dominance of a man named Pitt as every movie in which he appears will undoubtedly have a scene where he will take off his shirt and all women will collectively orgasim. 2012 we’ll miss you so, but before we send you off ablaze down the river viking funeral-style, let’s gloat in your face about all the things that will be better once you’re gone. What could possibly be unlucky about a year that ends in 13? 

Actor of Next Year: The Zombie King, Brad Pitt – Brad Pitt recently starred in Killing Them Softly, but the actor is just getting started with his comeback. Pitt will be appearing in four movies next year: Voyage of Time, World War Z, Twelve Years a Slave, and The Counselor. Knowing the actor, he will steal the spotlight with his wit and charm, pulling in thousands of people to check out his latest film.

what’S NEXT

2013 now

By ethan harmon -

Tablet of Next Year: Galaxy Tab

Bar of Next Year: The Flying Saucer (Addison)

Football Team of Next Year:

Computer of Next Year: ASUS

Baseball Team of Next Year: LA Dodgers

Basketball Team of Next Year: Dallas Mavericks, sorry Mark

Author of Next Year: Brent Weeks

Washington Redskins

Restaurant of Next Year: Urban Crust (Plano) Video Game of Next Year: Devil May Cry AKA DmC Game Console of Next Year: PS3, until the PS4 comes out Food of Next Year: Pizza – DUH! Party Drink of Next Year:

Captain Morgan and Coke (with a lime wedge) Visit us online at

Comedian of Next Year: Louis CK

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december 12 - 18, 2012

Comic Book of Next Year: Superior Spider-man – Writer Dan Slott has been writing fantastic Spidey stories, putting our favorite Wall-Crawler through some of the most challenging battles (both physical and mental) during his run on the series. The Amazing Spider-man is wrapping up with issue #700 and Slott, with superstar artist Ryan Stegman, will be releasing The Superior Spider-man. The twist? Peter Parker will not be donning the suit.

Movie of Next Year: Iron Man 3 – The Avengers blew us away this summer, showcasing our favorite superheroes battling hordes of aliens in some of the most action-packed scenes that have ever been shot. Next year, writer/director Shane Black is bringing Robert Downey Jr. back as our favorite flawed genius, Iron Man. The movie seems to have a darker tone, with Iron Man’s greatest nemesis targeting everything he loves. Action, new suits of armor, and, potentially, a lead-in to an Avengers’ sequel; this spells tons of fun.


Band of Next Year: Between the Buried and Me – Having released their latest album, Parallax II: Future Sequence, Between the Buried and Me have proclaimed themselves the kings of progressive metal. With songs structured with multiple genres and an arsenal of talent, BTBAM has shown their technical prowess and creativity. The band will be touring next year and the show should not be missed.

Top Career of Next Year: Computer/software engineer Movie Character of Next Year: Spock (Star Trek: Into Darkness) TV Character of Next Year: Spartacus (Spartacus: War of the Damned)

TV Show of Next Year: Breaking Bad – Next summer will be the final season of Breaking Bad. Walter White is power-hungry, Jesse is quitting the business, and Hank may have uncovered all of the secrets that have been hiding under his nose. Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul have become acting titans because of this series. The writers have twisted this tale – intrigue is at an all-time high – and it seems that they have saved the best for last.

Book of Next Year: The Blinding Knife Car of Next Year: 2013 Cadillac ATS

Actress of Next Year: Emma Stone – Since Superbad, Emma Stone has become everyone’s favorite actress, appearing in quite a few movies over the years. Charming and entrancing, Stone captures audience’s eyes immediately, performing each role with heart and grace. She will be hitting the silver screen three times next year in Movie 43, Gangster Squad, and The Croods (the latter is voiced).

Rapper of Next Year: Hopsin – After creating his own record label – Funk Volume – Hopsin has become a sensation, racking up YouTube views with his no-holds-barred Ill Mind of Hopsin 5. The rapper has a way with words, making catchy, brutally honest songs that sync up perfectly with great beats. His next album, Knock Madness, will drop next year. Expect a tour with great performances.

Underground Artists of Next Year: Alpha 11 – This band has been steadily releasing singles over the last few years. Alpha 11 has been playing shows around Dallas regularly, showing up at the Curtain Club to blow the roof off. The band will be releasing its debut album, Digital Trigger, within the next few weeks and are expecting to play shows throughout the next year.

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 13

Look, we got a QR-Code!

See more of summer and others at Model: Summer Courtesy: Rick Star / Visit us online at


aWARds no man best war movies left behind VOL. 5 - ISSUE 13

december 12 - 18, 2012


By cote bailey - @blitzweekly

By c. patterson -


hey say ‘heavy is the head that wears the crown’ – that is unless the crown you wear has a purpose that transcends oneself. Such is the case for the crown of Rachel Hedstrom. The current Mrs. Texas International’s reign has been one of prosperity and generosity shown to those who have served in our nation’s military. Her legacy will be one of charity and appreciation for every veteran that she has encountered. She has overcome tremendous physical struggles from birth and traveled many a mile to dig down deep and discover the queen within. Her story makes us all slightly bigger, slightly braver, slightly better citizens than we were before making her a woman that we can’t help but love. How did you become involved with working with veterans? The simple answer to that is that I was raised in a house full of veterans. Many generations of my family have served in the military so I was just raised in an environment of appreciation for veterans because I knew first hand what they did for us. And later my friend Suzanne [Flodin] told me about Honor Flight, I thought oh my gosh this is perfect. This is the best way to honor these heroes that we won’t have around with us much longer. So, I really saw it as a great opportunity to do something that would make a difference. As far as being Mrs. Texas International, what responsibilities come with that and how did you get started in the pageant circuit? I actually had the opportunity to meet Mrs. Texas 2010 at an event that I was volunteering at and I was really impressed with her. She and I just immediately hit it off. She was accessible, friendly, but inspirational. Her cause was heart disease awareness, that’s what was important to her and I really saw her passion and it inspired me. I said, you know you travel all over the state and talk to all these people you’ve got to be talking about veterans. We’ve got to raise some awareness and money for Honor Flight. She was so sweet, she told me you are so passionate about it you should consider competing for Mrs. Texas because then you could go all over state

and talk about this. I was like, me? No way. I am not a pageant girl I wasn’t raised in that. I think it really benefits girls if it’s approached the right way, but for me that wasn’t a part of my life. I spent my childhood recovering from an illness that was very debilitating so that kind of thing was not even in my paradigm. So I did some investigating and saw that married women can compete and we could do something that was important to us in the community. I started a yearlong journey of improving myself to the point where I thought that I could serve as Mrs. Texas. The first year that I competed I came in third runner up. I competed as Mrs. Collin County. And the second year I took the title. My day-to-day duties are whatever I want to make them. I travel all over I talk to school kids, a lot of veterans activities, I work very closely with Honor Flight DFW to raise money and awareness for those guys to get them to Washington, D.C. Anything veteran related where I can go and show our collective appreciation for them I try to do. Greatest moment in your crown… There is a look of the face of the veterans when you give them a handshake and say thank you for your service. Anyone can do this it doesn’t have to be someone in a crown. Luckily veterans often identify themselves. They often have hats that read veteran or their ship name or unit name or sometimes they will be in uniform. You can find veterans all around you and whenever you shake their hand and say thank you for your service the look on their faces, that’s my best moment.

The Dirty Dozen (1967) Chances are this is still your dad’s favorite war movie ever. The Hurt Locker (2008) Lots and lots of boom. Saving Private Ryan (1998) Tom Hanks makes you forget all about his time on Bosom Buddies…almost.

Platoon (1986) It ain’t D-E-R-E, it’s D-E-A-R. And “Sarah” ain’t got no two R’s! The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957) Fun fact: in 1997, the film was deemed “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant” and selected for preservation in the United States Library of Congress National Film Registry.

Patton (1970) We took an office poll and decided that if Patton had a stare down with Chuck Norris, Chuck would probably wet his pants and run off and cry like a little girl.

Full Metal Jacket (1987) Every night I read my kids bedtime stories in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman. They’ll turnout ok, right?

Zero Dark Thirty (2012) Fun facts: The title refers to a military term for 30 minutes after midnight and Kathryn Bigelow, the film’s director also directed Point Break and several other pretty crappy movies before her Hurt Locker fame.

Get familiar with and donate to www. and show your appreciation for our country’s finest. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook


december 12 - 18, 2012

CRAVE dfw A great sandwich satisfies on so many levels with a perfect mélange of flavors layered high and perched on slices of bread that acts as a canvas for the artistry some may call lunch. The perfect sandwich must be made with fantastic bread, served with slices of artisan cheeses, meats and interesting vegetables for a complete meal that truly requires nothing else besides a good beer or wine as accompaniment. This week we examine the finer examples of sandwiches throughout Dallas. These all range from inexpensive to somewhat pricey, but all will certainly satisfy.

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 13

By Steven Doyle -

sandwich. The meatballs used for their subs are made from a long family secret recipe, but are superb. The Italian is made with sliced Beef, Gravy, Provolone and a Pepper Giardiniera. Bring friends and try the whole menu. Uncle Uber’s Sammich Shop: Uncle Uber lives in Deep Ellum and makes some serious sandwiches. Try out the Shaved Rib Eye Steak or the Grilled Goat Cheese and Bacon sandwich. The good Uncle also makes one of our very favorite burgers. The downside to Uber’s is that they close at 4pm each day except Friday and

at this restaurant is the Banh Mi. For those unfamiliar, this is an amazing sandwich that starts with a French roll, crisp on the outside, but fluffy in the center. The shop slathers a layer of house-made pate to moisten and add a layer of flavor, then grilled pork and assorted veggies like pickled carrot and daikon and sliced jalapeño. For a slam dunk, order both the sandwich and a big bowl of pho for a rocking lunch. Best part about the Banh Mi is that they are super inexpensive. Oddfellow’s: Located in Oak Cliff, Oddfellow’s does a stand up job at making breakfast but they also offer superb sandwiches. Join them on Facebook for daily enticements that have stellar drool powers. Our favorite here is the Jalapeno House Pastrami. That’s right, they make their own pastrami. Ruthie’s Rolling Café: A kick ass food truck that serves up some mighty fine sandwiches including the best grilled cheese we ever shoved into our mouths. Add the pulled pork for an absolute flavor explosion. Seek Ruthie out on Facebook for current locations. TJ’s Seafood Market: Check out the new TJ’s located on Oak Lawn. Here you will find they have seating and offer a full plated menu including fish tacos and the very best lobster roll in Dallas. There I said it. The best. A full pound of lobster free of mayo and seasoned with herbs and butter on a killer roll, set up with several side dishes that will make you scream with excitement.

We’re on a roll!

East Hampton Sandwich Company: Located in Snider Plaza, East Hampton is fairly new to the sandwich scene in Dallas. Here you will find a find an honest-to-goodness chef using bread from one of the top bakeries in the area, Empire Baking Company. There are several sandwiches that make the grade on the menu here including a Hot Cheese and Short Rib, A Goat Cheese Avocado and Bacon and our favorite, the Lobster Roll. The latter is topped on a perfect roll with slight griddle marks and brimming in sweet lobster meat. You cannot go wrong with any of these selections. East Hampton also offers a nice selection of beers and wine.

Steven Doyle

Look for more restaurant news at

Saturday when they stay open until 9pm. Enjoy a cold, local beer when ordering this sammich. La Me: This Vietnamese restaurant might be a bit hard to find, located in a massive shopping center surrounding dozens of Asian businesses. La Me makes a sturdy pho, but the true star


Jimmy’s Food Store: Located in East Dallas in what was at one time considered the Little Italy of Dallas, Jimmy’s is a hold out of a lost era. Jimmy’s is family owned and operated serving the disheveled area the top list of Italian wines in the state, aisles of Italian ingredients, and a crazy good deli. At the deli counter you can order fresh meats and cheeses along with the best sandwiches in Texas. Jimmy’s makes hundreds of pounds of Italian sausage that they offer wholesale as well as retail. This makes for an incredible Steven Doyle Visit us online at

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 13

december 12 - 18, 2012


movie review of the hobbit: an unexpected journey By gary dowell -


hen The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring arrived in theaters in 2001 it marked a watershed moment in film: It was the first big-budget live action fantasy movie of its kind, steeped in high production values, a fanboy’s attention to detail, and bleeding-edge special effects. It didn’t just live up to lofty audience expectations, it shattered them, and its ripple effect on the industry can still be felt. Jackson takes us back to Middle-Earth with The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, the first installment of a new trilogy that adapts J.R.R. Tolkien’s 1937 novel, which set the stage for The Lord of the Rings decades later. It’s a fun trip, but there’s a creeping sensation of “been there, done that” and it doesn’t blow our minds the way its predecessors did a decade ago. Martin Freeman (Sherlock, the original British version of The Office) is well-cast as the titular hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, originally played in Rings by Ian Holm, who appears here along with Elijah Wood in an indulgent opening scene designed to tie the two series together. Bilbo’s

peaceful nonexistence is turned upside-down when wizard Gandalf (Ian McKellen, in perfect form) arrives on his doorstep with exiled dwarf King Thorin Oakenshield (Richard Armitage) and his band of diminutive brothers. Thorin is on a quest to reclaim his stolen kingdom and its treasure from a marauding

trolls, and belligerent goblins, with a pit stop at the elves’ idyllic kingdom. The action beats are fine if a bit rote by now, and they often

New Line Cinema / MGM / Warner Bros.

take on a cartoonish feel. It’s when familiar faces start to appear that the movie perks up: An electrifying scene with Gandalf, Elrond (Hugo Weaving), Galadriel (Cate Blanchett), and Saruman (Christopher Lee) hints at the New Line Cinema / MGM / Warner Bros. darkness to come; and Bilbo’s fateful encounter with Gollum dragon, Smaug. Bilbo, for reasons left (Andy Serkis, the king of motion capture), unexplained, is recruited as their official burglar. perhaps the story’s best and most well-known He’s reluctant to be a part of the affair; for the chapter, is nailed perfectly. dwarfs, the feeling is mutual. The Hobbit is a more lighthearted story than Unexpected Journey focuses on their trek to The Lord of the Rings, and Jackson handles the Smaug’s mountain lair (yep, you’ll have to wait tonal shift by making it a slightly darker tale, until next year to actually see the damn dragon) working in obscure subplots from the novel’s as our heroes face vengeful orcs, cannibal lengthy appendices and other sources. Purists

will moan, fans of the movies will likely be satisfied, and casual viewers may or may not care. Even at 169 minutes the narrative excess is tolerable, though, especially when compared to the leviathan Harry Potter series or the (gag, choke) Transformer movies. Jackson shot the movie in a 48-frame-persecond 3-D format which only marginally enhances the movie, trading the warmth of film for a glossy super-crispness that too closely resembles high-end video. Spare yourself the upcharge and see it in 2-D. These faults are minor ones though, and Jackson has overall provided yet another rich slice of grand adventure, one that is only the first act in story that has yet to be completed. It remains to be seen if it will fully come to life.

2013 Fantasy Flicks

Oz: The Great and Powerful 3/8

After Earth 6/7

Star Trek Into Darkness 5/17

Jack the Giant Slayer 3/1

Oblivion 4/12

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire 11/22

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december 12 - 18, 2012


his past summer I reviewed the new Chevrolet Malibu Eco with the e-Assist start/ stop technology. While I liked what the automaker did with the new Malibu overall I was not impressed with my experience with that powertrain. Fast-forward to the release of the new Turbo model Malibu and all that changes. I love this new turbocharged direct-injected Ecotec 2.0-liter four-cylinder powerplant and all of its enjoyable 259 horsepower and 260 lb. ft. of torque. That’s quite a punch for a four in a midsize sedan and the new Malibu feels like it is at the top end of the midsize segment with some

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 13

chevy malibu turbo

By david goodspeed -

asking me if it was the new large sedan from Chevy. No, that’s Impala and it’s coming next. For now, the division sporting the bowtie is happy to have all new 2013 Malibu models on the road with the lineup offering something for everyone. While this newest edition pales in comparison to the competition when it comes to looking at the fuel economy rating (21 mpg city and 30 mpg highway with the turbo), one needs to do little more than drive it and those concerns flitter off to obscurity. During my week behind the wheel of the 2013 Malibu Turbo I came to the realization that I might actually buy one of these and that is a

conclusion I don’t come to often. Yes, my family was a Chevy family and yes, I did drive a couple in my early days behind the wheel but given the overall offerings of the new ‘Bu I would definitely consider it at vehicle purchase time. The car is comfortable, safe, stable, easy to drive and the new turbo brings a bit of life to the accelerator (along with an itty, bitty amount of high-pitched turbo wheeze) that has been missing from Chevrolet sedans for quite some time. I would not call this new powertrain arrangement as significant as the rollout of the small-block V-8 in the ‘50s but in the scheme of the automaker’s timeline I think it’s worthy of mention (and that first 265 cu. in. engine generated only 162hp at the low end and a max of 240 ponies). Our test model 2013 Chevrolet

Malibu arrived in 2LZ trim dressed to the nines and at the top end of the pricing segment with a base MSRP of $30,165 (LS models begin at $23,150) and showing $33,820 on the monroney provided with our vehicle. The advanced safety package included forward collision alert and lane departure warning. We enjoyed the Pioneer premium sound system as well as two-tone leather interior package and stylish 19-inch wheels and tires. Chevy got it right with this Malibu. I am surprised the turbo cars don’t arrive with Super Sport badging on the fenders and I cannot wait to see if the automaker does release an SS model down the road. Hmmm, replace the sixspeed auto gearbox with a manual perhaps? AWD? Shift paddles? Cold air intake and a bit more boost? BRING IT!

Casio G-Shock w/ Bluetooth Maxwell Smart was way ahead of his time, but we’ve finally caught up. Behold the Casio G-Shock Watch with Bluetooth. It hooks up with your iPhone or Android using Bluetooth and alerts you to calls and messages. It also sounds the alarm if you get to far away from your phone. Digital slavery never looked so snazzy. ($180)

Form 1 High-Res 3-D Printer Ladies and gentlemen, printers just got awesome. The Form 1 High-Res 3-D Printer uses high-end stereolithography technology (we don’t even know what the hell that is, but the smart guys in the art department want one). The Form 1 constructs detail as small as 300 microns and can reproduce objects to 4.9” x 4.9” x 6.5” in size. And ladies at home keeping score, that’s average size. ($3,300) Visit us online at

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 13

december 12 - 18, 2012


learning new words A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, “Mom I’ve got a problem.” She says “Tell me.” He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what they are. He says “well, pussy and bitch”. She says “Oh that’s no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy.” He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad the boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom and I don’t think she told me the exact meaning. Dad says “Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can’t handle them. What are the words?” He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says “OK” and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, “Son, everything inside this circle, is pussy.” “OK dad, so what’s a bitch?” “Son” he says, “everything outside that circle.”

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 It’s your birthday! Be happy that your whole life is still ahead of you. Here’s some advice: try to think in terms of quality not quantity. Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Before they got a hold of you the paramedics thought they had seen everything. You showed them! Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Expect some major changes in the upcoming weeks now that you’ve been receiving both the “clear” and the “cream” in the mail.


Blitz Funnys

DIRTY DISHES/DANGEROUS MINDS Jason DeJesus, 36, and Chanelle Troedson, 33, of Morgan Hill, California, must’ve had a lot of trouble getting repairs done? On December 6, 2012, they were charged with false imprisonment and other felony counts for luring a 50-year-old handyman to their home, then beating and holding him against his will for about six hours... until he repaired their dishwasher and several other appliances.

the same location. One from the homeowner, the other from an attempted burglary suspect, 41-year-old Christopher Lance Moore, afraid the gun pointed at him by the homeowner might go off. 17 PECKERS IN HIS PANTS If 76-year-old Alberto Diaz Gonzalez is (could be) sentenced to 20 years in prison and fined $250,000, he’ll probably not survive it. Returning from Cuba October 20, 2012, he’d raised suspicions by declaring nothing at Miami International Airport. This motivated customs officers to search him, where they found 16 Cuban bullfinches (birds) inside the old man’s pants.

HE COULD USE A DAY JOB Around 12:30 a.m. on December 4, 2012, the Parker County Texas Sheriff’s Department received two 911 calls from

Pisces February 19 – March 20 You’ve always been one for quick goodbyes but you’ve been standing on that ledge for a few days now. Aries March 21 – April 19 They say that only God can judge you but everyone else still thinks you’re an idiot. Taurus April 20 – May 20 While trying to eat healthier and exercise more is certainly admirable, trying to dodge traffic on 635 is just plain stupid.

Gemini May 21 – June 21 You might not be an expert on which spiders are poisonous and which one’s aren’t, but tomorrow you’ll find out about one that is. Cancer June 22 – July 22 Venus rising in your sign means that it’s already December which actually means that you’ve spent the past two months in a drunken state. Leo July 23 – August 22 You’ll learn a valuable lesson about sharing this weekend when Reggie joins you in the holding cell.

ACROSS 1. Damage 5. Wealthy 9. Badgers 13. District 14. Lazybones 16. Pearly-shelled mussel 17. Teller of untruths 18. Menacing look 19. Standard 20. Fertile area in a desert 22. Promenade 24. A single time 26. A river through Paris 27. Bloodline 30. Dung beetle 33. Scaremonger 35. French school 37. Bro or sis 38. Begin 41. Spy agency 42. Beauty parlor 45. Unnecessary

48. Lay bare 51. Venture to say 52. Lookat with fixed eyes 54. Faucets 55. Blade sharpener 59. R ectangular block of clay 62. Emanation 63. Swelling under the skin 65. Double-reed woodwind 66. Haul 67. To yield or submit 68. Blackthorn 69. If not 70. Satisfy 71. Scream

Virgo August 23 – September 22 Now that you have 4,553 Facebook friends see how many send you Christmas presents this year. Libra September 23 – October 22 The stars are going to go out on a limb here and say you’re tired of holiday music. Scorpio October 23 – November 21 Remember how you hit that little kitten and didn’t stop to help. Well it has an attorney and is now going to sue your ass!

DOWN 1. Angel’s headwear 2. Diva’s solo 3. Sensible 4. Sailor 5. 18-wheeler 6. Doing nothing 7. Elegance 8. Shingles 9. Convent 10. Dwarf buffalo 11. Prepare for action 12. A few 15. Museum piece 21. Fraud 23. A Freudian stage 25. Auspices 27. Young girl 28. Homeric epic 29. Eastern Standard Time 31. Capable of being reached 32. African antelope

34. Buff 36. Not difficult 39. Scarlet 40. Nipple 43. Performing 44. Cashews and almonds 46. Blah 47. Hansen’s disease 49. Old hat 50. Wears away 53. Colonic 55. Walk in water 56. Throw 57. Historical periods 58. Send forth 60. Not hot 61. Ship part 64. Consumed food

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december 12 - 18, 2012

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 13


Pocketful of Peens Thorned Not Scorned

Posie Pocket has experienced some puzzling dating situations. Instead of hardening her heart, she’s reflecting on these encounters with hope and bright eyes for the future. By sharing her stories, she’s revealing the lessons learned and getting a good laugh while on the lookout for love.

Auld Lang Syne. Peens No Longer Mine At this time last year, my heart was 95% mended from the shitty sheet lover boy who broke it. I had a few more dates under my belt with several not-so-special dudes, but my confidence was still on shaky ground. Besides finding an Army captain to randomly smooch on New Year’s Eve, I was still on the bench in the game of dating. Looking back on 2012, I’ve had lots of game time but feel as if my player stats have decreased. The collection of peens I’ve accrued made me realize I was going out with too many of the “wrong guys.” Instead of saying no to a date when I didn’t want to go, I would say yes just for the heck of it. Practice, practice, practice. I remember my fourth grade basketball coach telling us little girls that practice makes permanent. It doesn’t make perfect; instead, it simply allows you to develop a pattern. Well I’ve definitely fallen into a shitty little slump of generic first dates that have no follow up. Declaring that 2013 will be the year to break the pattern, I think it’s vital I reflect. Moving forward, it’s important I be more selective when it comes to friends wanting to set me up. Reviewing my track record, I’ve been set up with at least a dozen guys and they’ve all crashed and burned. Here’s why: I know absolutely zip about the person. Except of course, his best qualities that his friends have gushed about. Even my most trusted, best friend set me up with someone and it definitely didn’t turn out for the best. My best friend met this guy who I’d be “perfect for.” The setup happened, the guy called, yada yada yada. We go on the Starbucks date and I was kind of feeling it, but on the fence. He was certainly a looker so that bumped him up a few

notches in my book. At the end of the date, I discovered I was several years his senior. Wam-bam thank you mam we are done here. Dating 101: make sure you know the guy’s age before you commit to coffee. Such a shame too because he was a dreamboat. Another time, one of my dear gal pals from the gym set me up with this guy from her work. Once again, I knew zip about him. In fact, he didn’t even have a Facebook so I couldn’t digitally stalk his ass. First slipup- he texted me instead of calling. In fact, he wanted our mutual friend to provide me with his phone number and I’d make the first move. Hell no boy! Get your chivalry on and hit me up. Second slipup, his texts were creepy and flirty right off the bat. Give a girl a warm-up lap before you go getting your flirt on. And lastly, he was rude with attitude on our frozen yogurt date. He insulted my brother’s occupation like a dumbass and I told him right then and there he was dickish. No question there why he didn’t ask me out for a second date. His calls would have gone unanswered anyway. One of the pivotal WTF moments I’ve had in my dating life is when the same gym-going gal pal wanted to set me up with another one of her work buddies. This guy looked promising on paper. Super tall, boyishly cute and he played football in college. I like a man with some stamina and

For 2013 I have a new way of dealing with shitty dates school spirit. I vividly remember the night I met him. I was out of town with my family but was persuaded to hightail it back to Dallas for the meet-up with the jock. I remember hugging my

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mom and saying I didn’t want to leave them, but she encouraged me to go because you never know where you’ll meet your next main squeeze. This is the one time I shouldn’t have listened to my mama. The meeting was going to be at a friend’s birthday party. I was assured he would arrive at the bar when the clock struck 11 PM. As the clock ticked on, I became more sleepy and pissed. I don’t want to date some douche bag who lacks common courtesy to be punctual. As 1 AM rolled around, so did his drunk ass. I saw him slide into the bar in a drunken state. He had itty bitty blonde girls accompanying him on either side. Who the hell invited Polly Pocket I & II? There’s only enough room for Posie Pocket in this joint ladies! As he made his way towards our table, my friend introduced us. As she introduced him, he was dancing like Carlton from Fresh Prince and said, “Nice to meet you. I’m going to get a drink.” And then he vanished into the sea of sweaty, horny partiers. My jaw hit the floor and I was stunned. This guy told my friend a number of times he wanted to meet me and then he wiggles like a worm while he meets me, excuses himself to the bar and that’s all? Of course the self-doubt sinks in. I think “Was I ugly in person compared to my photos on Facebook?” But then I reminded myself that all the self-doubt nonsense is poison and wasteful. Bottom line, I’m not interested in being with a man who gets black-out drunk and lacks courtesy. I want a man who is courteous on the streets and in the sheets! Plus, no offense he was kind of gap-toothed. To quote a cinema classic (Mean Girls), “It’s not your fault you’re so gaptoothed.” So, what has 2012 taught me? You don’t have to give every Tom, Dick and Harry a chance just because he asks you out or your friend wants you to meet him. It’s time to be more selective and ask myself, “Can I actually visualize making out with this guy? Is he truly salt of the Earth?” If he’s not bangable or salty, then keep it moving. I extend a gracious and hopeful heart to 2013. Maybe I won’t be swooped up by Mr. Right, but I guarantee I won’t focus on always having a Mr. Right Now. It’s time for quality over quantity.


AnsweR Guy with

Arthur Bellfield

Dear Arthur, My girlfriend is beautiful, funny, outgoing, and overall just amazing... but there is this one thing. She has a terrible habit of farting in front of me and I’m not talking cute baby farts, I’m talking the stuff of that that peels paint off the wall. I try to be a good sport about it because she thinks it’s hilarious, but it really is starting to gross me out and it may be too much to handle. Signed, Gone with the wind There’s something both sexy and scary about a chick who can out beer pong her male pals, test your girlfriend’s bi-curiosity, and then walk into a public restroom stall after you and look down at your man business with a poker face, and state in her best fake British accent, “Crabs?!?….tramp. I see you and my ex-boyfriend have been dating the same prophylactically-challenged tramp.” Then this chick will laugh at you as if she just didn’t reduce your manhood to a state of nothingness. But, right before you plan your revenge on this 5’4” creature of the night who’s standing there with ripped jeans and a thrift store tee that smells like hot wings and beer; she takes her hair down and you realize that you’re standing before a goddess! And, then she FARTS! This is all just a reminder that we live in an age of tomboyish women who who were more Cinderella before she got an Extreme Makeover, and are happy with who they are. Harsh lesson time! There’s no manly way to talk to your girlfriend about this without coming across as an overly sensitive guy who can’t take a girl farting around him from time to time. If it were me, I’d make a drinking game out of it. One shot per fart! She’ll get the hint!

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 13

december 12 - 18, 2012


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