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November 28 - december 4, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

On Deck

November 28 - december 4, 2012

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SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 The Best Aggie Joke Ever 4 Big 12 Game of the Week 5 SEC Championship Game 5 Pac-12 Championship Gane 5 Big Ten Championship Game 5 Drew and Far Between 6 Jerry’s World 6 Hoop Dreams 7 Going For Goal 8 Cover Story Just Suit Me 9 Gifts For the Filthy Rich 10 If All Else Fails, Get ’em Drunk 11 Girlfriend Gift Timeline 13 In Time For Christmas 13 BLITZ Entertainment Valarie 12 Crave DFW 14 Civil Disobedience 15 Gearshift 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Pocketful of Peens 18 The Answer Guy 18

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fter Notre Dame’s Saturday night win, we just know that somewhere little Rudy Ruettiger is shedding a tear of joy for his fighting Irish. This has been the team’s first unblemished regular season since 1988. This season of historical dominance is, in large part, due to the solid defense led by linebacker Manti Te’o. Notre Dame’s defense kept the upper hand and allowed only nine touchdowns all season. Playing hard to the end of every game was impressive, but not crumbling under the weight of the team’s tough history was inspiring. The team will have until January 7th to prepare for the BCS title, and later this week they’ll have a clear picture of whom they’ll be up against. Alabama and Georgia will battle it out this weekend in Atlanta for the SEC championship. The Crimson Tide has held its own over the season by playing and winning against exceptional teams. But, this season Georgia has managed to only beat one Top 25 team. And to further complicate their chances, the Bulldogs QB Aaron Murray has shown potential this year, but his record against ranked opponents stands at an abysmal 3-9. All of the regular experts, authority figures, talking heads and most likely your drunken uncle have already called this game for Alabama. Gambling sites have averaged the

Bulldogs at opening as eight-point underdogs. And if you’re putting down cash on this one, remember both teams are 11-1 for the season, and are both 6-6 against the spread. The few times they’ve played against each other since ’95, Georgia came out on top 3 out of the 5 games played. But ‘Bama triumphed in their last match up in 2008 with a 41-30 win. Currently Florida is fourth in the standings, but that’s not all bad news for them because they will probably score an at-large BCS bid to the Sugar Bowl. From now until the last Bowl game is played, expect every coach to weigh in on how things in the BCS selection system still feels unfair. But regardless of how this shakes out, the SEC will have another solid chance at its 7th BCS title championship. Come 2014, none of this will matter. Feel free to get all of your BCS angst out of your system, because the unjust system will have died a death that we all waited too long to witness. The new plan will make a pair of national semifinals; No.1 will play No. 4 and No. 2 will play No. 3. Those games will really be the current Rose, Fiesta, Orange and Sugar Bowls (and two to-be-determined games) reinvented into a playoff system. These teams will be chosen by committee – much like the NCAA basketball games are determined.

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Don’t forget the most important thing...the store receipt! I need return money for beer!

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November 28 - december 4, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

the best aggie joke ever A&M succeeding in the sec By jan hubbard - comments@blitzweekly.com

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hen Texas A&M tired of being an obedient stepchild to its larger-than-life neighbor the University of Texas and stormed defiantly out of the Big 12 into the SEC, it seemed like the ultimate Aggie joke. We’ll show those Longhorns. They won’t be bossing us around anymore. We’ll leave a conference where we have won one title in 15 years and go not only to a conference that has produced the last six national championships, but also the toughest division in sports – a division that includes the last three national champions. When that happened, the age-old question became popular in Austin: How many Aggies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? But for college football fans, there was an even larger issue. A&M’s exit from the conference was more erosion of the tradition that makes sports so great. It’s Shutterbug459 bad enough that the Aggies and Longhorns would no Johnny Football has made A&M relevant in the SEC longer compete in the same conference. 90,000 angry Texans taunting each other? They would no longer play each other, either. I was privy to a few of those taunts on a recent And anyone who believes the two schools will Facebook posting when Aggies and Longhorns agree on playing somewhere down the road began tossing barbs. It was an argument that should understand that in terms of roads, we’re perfectly captured the moment, which currently talking about the Pan-American highway. And favors the Aggies and Manziel, the A&M that’s about 29,000 miles. By the time the two quarterback who is likely to become the first teams agree to meet in the regular season, freshman in history to win the Heisman Trophy. Johnny Manziel will be a grandfather. The Texas defenders relied more on history, The ugliness, however, has evolved into pointing out the Longhorns have a 76-37-5 something very surprising – especially for the advantage in the series. Aggies. Texas A&M has not simply survived But no one from UT wanted to compare in the SEC, it has flourished. The Aggies have quarterbacks. While the Longhorns have handled the more difficult schedule fabulously struggled for three years to find a worthy with their only two losses coming at the successor to Vince Young and Colt McCoy, accomplished hands of ranked teams Florida the Aggies have the best player in the country. and LSU. And the guy has a minimum of two more More significantly, the Aggies made their first years in college and could stay for three while trip as a member of the SEC West to Tuscaloosa the Longhorns have to suffer the indignity of and defeated the unbeaten, No. 1 team in knowing that they let another great Texas the country – defending national champion quarterback slip away. Alabama Crimson Tide. UT coach Mack Brown followed up his nonTexas, meanwhile, has home losses to recruitment of Robert Griffin III by not pursuing West Virginia and TCU and was battered by Manziel. With the Longhorns’ history of Oklahoma in an embarrassing 42-point loss in dominating the state, they should have had both. Dallas. Those of us who still miss the Southwest It’s too early to say the Aggies have had the Conference and the many rivalries that existed last laugh. between not only Texas and A&M, but also But they certainly have the first one. Texas Tech, TCU, SMU, Baylor, Rice, Houston And even more deliciously, since neither team and Arkansas are still saddened by the Aggiewill make the BCS games, we might even see Big 12 divorce. them in a bowl. How great would it be to see But for at least one season, it has turned not UT-A&M in the Cotton Bowl at JerryWorld with only good, but great.

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

November 28 - december 4, 2012

BIG 12 GAME of the week SEC GAME of the week By Jason fleck - jason.fleck@mavs.uta.edu

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a fitting end

t is panning out to be another exciting weekend in the Big 12. It will all be on the line this weekend with both Kansas State and Oklahoma looking to clinch at least a piece of the Big 12 Conference Title and all they have to do is win. That is sure easier said than done though, with every team except for Kansas heading to a bowl game this bowl season. It could be another one of those unpredictable weekends that we have come to expect in the newly revamped Big 12. This conference has proven to be one of the deepest in college football in only its first season after another realignment. On any given weekend in any game there has been a chance that the best team on paper is definitely not guaranteed to come out with a win. No other conference has 90% of its teams headed to bowl games, proof of just how deep this conference truly is.  It all comes down to this weekend; every team starts the season vying for a championship. For both Kansas State and Oklahoma, there is absolutely no better situation than a conference championship to be decided on the final week. That is exactly what is happening and no other ending would cap of the season correctly. Kansas State will be playing their first game since being shockingly upset by Baylor. Will the Big 12 title be enough to play for after a chance at the National Championship disappeared on the only weekend that this Wildcat team didn’t show up to play? Bill Snyder should have this team back to form and ready to go out and end this once magical season on a high note and win the school’s first Big 12 Title since 2003, when they shocked then No. 1 ranked Oklahoma in the Big 12 Championship game. Oklahoma has won five Big 12 Championships since their loss to Kansas State in 2003. This year they won’t be on the same field, but the same prize is on the line. Texas will go into Bill Snyder Stadium after their Big 12 Title hopes and an at-large BCS bowl bid were lost following a loss to TCU on Thanksgiving. We can name this one the Disappointment Bowl, with both teams having lost so much with their most recent due to missteps. Oklahoma will have to go into Amon Carter Stadium and play a TCU team that is coming off an emotional win over the Longhorns in Austin. Oklahoma’s national title hopes ended when they lost to Kansas State earlier in the season, but they kept playing and kept their chance at another Big 12 Title alive. Now they will hand the title over to that same Kansas State team, share it with them, or steal it back. In the end this new look Big 12 Conference will crown a new champion or co-champions. Even after the realignment the eventual champion won’t be a new Big 12 team, some things don’t change.

Game Info: #18 TEXAS vs #6 KANSAS ST SAT. DEC. 1 – 7:00PM / ABC BILL SNYDER STADIUM

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pac-12 championship game Big TEN championship game

By Stephen evans - comments@blitzweekly.com

By frank lacosta - flacosta@blitzweekly.com

who will play for the national title?

a game nobody expected winner to play in rose bowl

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he journey was a bit winding, but the match-up that many preseason prognosticators figured would play out in the 2012 SEC Championship Game has indeed come to fruition. And, once again, the contest sets up as a quasi national semifinal game, with the winner advancing to the BCS Championship game. The Alabama Crimson Tide enter the game looking for their second consecutive national championship game appearance and a chance to play for the crystal ball for the third time in four years. However, along the way, the Crimson Tide seem to have lost their air of invincibility with a close call win against LSU followed up by an upset loss at home to Texas A&M in the final month of the season. All of a sudden, chinks in the Alabama armor have developed, whether real or perceived. Meanwhile, the Georgia Bulldogs enter their second consecutive SEC Championship Game and fifth overall looking to shed the underachiever label. Georgia has long been thought to have the talent to compete for championships, but always seems to stumble along the way.

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n a conference that in recent years has been dominated by the likes of USC and Oregon it is a pleasant surprise to see two teams that none of the pundits expected at the start of the season to be in the title game. UCLA upset USC to represent the South Division and Stanford took care of Oregon in the North Division. This isn’t déjà vu although the two teams met up last week to wrap up the regular season in Pasadena. That game will be remembered as a dress rehearsal. A game in which Stanford easily defeated UCLA sets up this one with the winner going to a BCS Bowl game. Throughout the history of college football often times when two teams meet in a rematch the outcome is often different. Expect the unexpected with this game being a rare consecutive match up at the college level. Both head coaches have NFL experience and will have to

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n keeping with tradition this year’s Rose Bowl game will be represented by the conference winners of the PAC-12 and Big Ten. Unlike tradition the Big Ten’s Leader’s Division will be represented by the third best team in the division. Both Ohio State and Penn

Bflbarlow

TheDailySportsHerald

The Bulldogs were the darlings of the SEC East by virtue of their loaded roster and the fact that they did not have to play Alabama, LSU, or Texas A&M in the regular season. But once again, a 35-7 trouncing at South Carolina seemed to all but end Georgia’s SEC title aspirations, only to see the Dawgs rebound with a rivalry win over Florida to position themselves to finally live up to others’ expectations. If any team in the East is capable of toppling the Crimson Tide, it is Georgia. The Bulldogs have a high-octane offense led by QB Aaron Murray, one of the most prolific passers in SEC history (top 10 all time in career total offense and second behind only Peyton Manning in career touchdown passes) and a rushing attack that can give Bama fits. While it’s difficult to pick against Nick Saban and AJ McCarron in a game of this magnitude, Georgia’s past tells you that at some point, it will be the Bulldogs’ year. After all, Notre Dame has already done the unthinkable. Why not make it a double?

rely on it to lead their team to victory. UCLA is looking to return to its first Rose Bowl since 1999 and will have to rely on redshirt freshman quarterback Brett Hundley to play mistake free football. Last week he was sacked seven times and threw a costly interception. For the season he has passed for over 3200 yards with 26 TDs. His offensive line will need to provide plenty of protection since Hundley doesn’t scramble well. He can throw the ball deep and will need his receivers to make plays. Look for him to target Shaquelle Evans when in a pinch. Senior RB Johnathan Franklin will need to duplicate his efforts from the USC game to take pressure off of Hundley with an effective running game. Stanford has 10 wins on the season for the third straight season which is a first in school history. They are a team that needs to win the war in the trenches to stand a chance. The Cardinal have recently utilized freshman quarterback Kevin Hogan to lead the team. He has filled in for Josh Nunes nicely. He’ll look for WRs Zach Ertz and Levine Toilolo to keep the Bruin defense honest. The ground game is handled by Stephan Taylor from Mansfield. The bruising back will look to pound the ball between the tackles to move the chains and control the clock.

Game Info: #2 ALABAMA vs #3 GEORGIA SAT. DEC. 1 – 3:00PM / CBS GEORGIA DOME

Game Info: #17 UCLA vs #8 STANFORD FRI. NOV. 30 – 7:00PM / FOX STANFORD STADIUM

Mike Pettigano

By frank lacosta - flacosta@blitzweekly.com

State are prohibited to play in this year’s conference title game due to NCAA sanctions. Therefore by default Wisconsin has a huge opportunity in front of them when they face Nebraska from the Legends division on Saturday. The Rose Bowl is at stake and with a rematch taking place at a neutral site the result of the regular season meeting won’t impact this one. The Badgers are the two-time defending Big Ten champions and won last year’s inaugural conference title game against Michigan State. They have experience in big game situations and they have a one-man wrecking crew in running back Montee Ball. Expect the Badgers to place a heavy emphasis on the running game since they have lost both their starting and back-up QBs. Senior Curt Phillips will be the signal caller but doesn’t have much time in the saddle and certainly doesn’t possess any running skills. He’ll play it safe in a simpler offense by looking to dump the ball off to TE Jacob Pedersen and the occasional deep ball to WR Jared Abbrederis. The defense knows in its last three losses (all in OT) that giving an all out effort is needed. The Cornhuskers are no strangers to conference title games either. They played in a few while in the Big 12 with two of them being memorable losses to the Texas Longhorns. They’ll be looking for a signature win in their second year in the Big Ten Conference. QB Taylor Martinez is the difference maker on offense. He keeps defenses off balance with his ability to run as well as pass effectively. Expect “thunder and lightning” from RBs Rex Burkhead and Ameer Abdullah respectively. WR Kenny Bell looks to get back on track as the favorite target of Martinez. The “Blackshirts” will crowd the box to stop Ball and leave their secondary in one-on-one situations daring Badger QB Phillips to beat them. Game Info: #14 NEBRASKA vs WISCONSIN SAT. DEC. 1 – 7:17PM / FOX LUCAS OIL STADIUM

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November 28 - december 4, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

Drew and Far Between

Darryl Briggs

By c. patterson - @BlitzWeekly

By Jay Betsill – @thefamousjay

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lready a favorite among the legions of fans of America’s Team, Drew Pearson finds himself still a man on a mission. As successful a career that he has had both on and off the field, there seems to be more to be done. In his latest adventure the “Hail Mary” receiver is attempting to woo more of the Cowboy faithful with The Drew Pearson Show on FOX Sports Southwest. An undertaking that like most things that Drew does, bets big. “It’s more that just sports,” says Drew in a slightly arrogant yet in a good way tone. When have you known Mr. Pearson to lack confidence (or candor for that matter)? “We cover a variety of topics ranging from cars, restaurants and entertainment to sports.” The show has no shortage of star power either with guests ranging from actors to of course the Cowboy elite. And ever the showman Drew is not shy about letting you know what sets his new show apart, “we’re not just stuck in the studio, we go on location for our shows.” It seems that his mobility on the field has transcended into his life in front of the camera. In his preparation for the show he has learned that every detail matters. “Staying focused, accomplishing your goals and maintaining your mental toughness…” are among the traits that silver and blue bleeding warrior holds as keys to success in this business, as well as, in life. But there is more to the man than an insatiable thirst to overachieve. Philanthropy is what drives the original number 88. Pearson’s recent involvement with the Make-A-Wish Foundation brought an undeniable air of excitement to his voice. “They came to us and we were happy to help. Each episode we feature a 501(c)(3) charity. The partnership that we formed with Make-A-Wish North Texas will allow us to make a wish come true on January 2, 2013. It will be something special.” How could one not expect a student of Tom Landry to be as dedicated in every facet of his life as Coach Landry demanded that they be dedicated on the field? Drew’s tenacity in the realm of business and his philanthropic efforts are a mirror image to the way he has lived his life, pursuing victory against all odds. The fact that he does it with a bit of swagger is just icing on the cake or salt in the wound depending on whose side you are on. Choose wisely and bet on Drew. Be sure to follow The Drew Pearson Show on Facebook and Twitter or visit them online at www.drewpearsonshow.com Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

on the fence

obert Griffin III threw for 311 yards and the Washington Redskins (5-6) built a huge 28-3 halftime lead over the Dallas Cowboys (5-6) before holding on for a 38-31 victory. The Cowboys fell to 5-6 with the Thanksgiving Day loss to the Redskins that was not as close as the score. Dallas resembled the many over-matched NCAA teams that Heisman Trophy winner RG3 carved up a year ago as the No.2 overall pick from this past year’s draft toyed with the Cowboys defense in the second quarter. By the time country music star Kenny Chesney took the stage for the annual Salvation Army Red Kettle Kick Off halftime show, many of the fans that packed Cowboys Stadium began to head for the exits and spend the remainder of the holiday with their families.  For the fans that stayed, they were treated to a Cowboys comeback effort that included the longest touchdown pass of Tony Romo’s career, an 85-yard pass to Dez Bryant (who matched his career high with 145 yards receiving) in the third quarter. After touchdown passes to Felix Jones and another to Bryant, the excitement level returned to the stadium as visions of a magical comeback appeared in sight. The Redskins and RG3 answered with a drive that lasted 5:30 and ended up with a 48-yard field goal by Kai Forbath with 3:03 remaining to put the game out of reach. Despite a career-high 441 yards and three second-half touchdowns, Romo lost for the first time in six starts on the Cowboys’ annual Thanksgiving Day extravaganza.  “I told the guys that was probably the drive that saved our season,” Griffin said. “You have a huge lead, the other team’s roaring back, they have all the momentum, and then you go out there and you convert third down after third down after third down and get in field-goal range.” It was Romo’s third loss in three career 400yard games. It also was the Cowboys’ first loss to the Redskins in seven games on Thanksgiving. “That quarterback is obviously a very good player, and they use him well,” Cowboys coach Jason Garrett said of RG3. “It was challenging

for us to slow those guys down. We didn’t do enough offensively to keep up with them in the first half.” The Cowboys will follow up this disheartening loss with another national television affair as the lowly Philadelphia Eagles (3-8) come to Arlington on Dec. 2 for NBC’s Sunday Night Football. NBC could have opted to ‘flex’ this game and add one featuring potential playoff teams, but the Cowboys in prime time equals big Nielsen ratings, so the rest of the country will likely see a Dallas victory as Philadelphia appears to have mailed it in for this season.  The Eagles are coming off their seventh straight loss, this one at the hands of Cam Newton and the Carolina Panthers. Newton threw for two touchdowns and ran for two more against the hapless Eagles defense. Since the firing of Juan Castillo as defensive coordinator, the Eagles have allowed 13 passing touchdowns and haven’t had an interception in five games. The injury depleted Eagles lost wide receiver DeSean Jackson and defensive tackle Fletcher Cox in the game against the Panthers. On the bright side for Philadelphia, running back Bryce Brown -- filling in for LeSean McCoy who was out with a concussion -- set a franchise rookie record with 178 yards rushing, including 65 and 5-yard touchdowns. Rookie quarterback Nick Foles -- filling on for Michael Vick who was also out with a concussion -- was 16 of 21 for 119 yards. BRUCE CARTER OUT FOR THE SEASON The Cowboys placed linebacker Bruce Carter on injured reserve because of a dislocated left elbow suffered on Thanksgiving against Washington. Carter is the fourth defensive starter to be lost for the season, joining Sean Lee, Kenyon Coleman and Barry Church. Dallas signed Brady Poppinga, an eight-year veteran with stints in Green Bay and St. Louis, to take Carter’s place on the active roster with Ernie Sims likely to move into the starting lineup alongside Dan Connor. 


VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

November 28 - december 4, 2012

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By Geoff Case - gcase@blitzweekly.com

a long december

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he Dallas Mavericks will be in for a brutal December with 9 of 15 games on the road for the month. The team has been hovering around the .500 mark for much of the past few weeks in sort of a holding pattern until their superstar Dirk Nowitzki returns from knee surgery around mid-December. However, if we are using last year as a baseline for how long until Dirk transforms back into his usual self it could be closer to January before we see how this team truly looks with all of their pieces together. Keeping all this in mind, this will likely be the worst stretch of games the Mavericks play all season. However, the thing that Dirk will improve the most in is something that statistically the Mavs have been pretty proficient at, scoring. Dallas entered last Saturday’s game ranked fourth in scoring at 101.8 points per game. Rebounding and defense are the Achilles’ heels of the Mavs squad right now. These needs may be something the Mavs make a move for before the trade deadline.

the NBA at 22.2 points per game. Mayo has absolutely been deadly from long range this season having made 42 three-pointers, three more than the entire Chicago Bulls squad have made as a team. It’s difficult to say whether this hot streak will continue but it’s the main reason the Mavericks have been able to stay competitive while Nowitzki has been out. Upcoming schedule: 12/1 Detroit Pistons: This is one that the Mavericks should have circled as a must win. The Pistons are a young group of players that are struggling and trying to find an identity. Rodney Stuckey is having a nightmare of a season shooting the ball and the Pistons as a result are struggling to score points and gain any consistency on offense. This is a home game the Mavericks cannot afford to lose this month.

12/5 @Los Angeles Clippers: Collison taking The same can two steps back be said about Expecting Darren both Los Angeles Collison to fill teams. They are Darryl Briggs Jason Kidd’s shoes true contenders if Rick Carlisle stares at the Whos in Whoville was something they can just make that most fans their free throws. knew wasn’t going to happen. They did expect This team is loaded with talent and will be something closer to the flashes of brilliance one of the toughest teams to face in this year’s that Collison displayed in his first few games playoffs. Chris Paul is a one in a generation with the Mavs. Lately, Collison has looked type of leader on and off the court. The extremely tentative with his dribble penetration Mavericks will be tested in this game. and hasn’t been looking for his shot. No doubt Rick Carlisle has been in his ear about this, but 12/6 @ Phoenix Suns: the Mavericks will need him to rebound and The post-Nash era Suns are still finding their increase his level of performance if they hope way but moving Markiff Morris into the line-up to have any shot at an extended postseason has provided a spark. While road games are run. hard to come by the Mavericks might be able to steal one here. It will be important because O.J. Mayo continues to be a scoring the schedule only gets tougher from here. workhorse Teams like Boston, Minnesota and Miami are OJ Mayo came into last Saturday night’s on the calendar for the next few weeks. game against the Lakers ranked seventh in Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook


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November 28 - december 4, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

going for goal

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championship soccer returns to the metroplex By melissa smith - @blitzweekly

fter an eight year hiatus, the Dallas Sidekicks are back with a vengeance. Returning for their 20th season of professional indoor soccer, the Sidekicks have found a new home at the Allen Event Center and a new league in the PASL. The original Sidekicks were founded in 1984 when Dallas Mavericks owner Don Carter purchased the New Jersey Rockets franchise out of bankruptcy in the original Major Indoor Soccer League. The team played 19 seasons and won four indoor championships before folding in 2004. The Sidekicks were officially re-established on May 1 of this year when former front office employee Ronnie Davis purchased an expansion franchise in the Professional Arena Soccer League. “I have always loved this team, but it was really about the guys,” Davis said. “I got to watch them for eight years loving what they do in the community. I wanted to see that come back.” The team’s 2012-13 season will focus on reconnecting with the North Texas soccer community and sports fans. The team is offering youth soccer teams the opportunity to play in pregame “make it take it” tournaments and half time games on their field. After selling out their home opener on November 3, it is clear that the Sidekicks have retained much of its loyal fan base and is being readily welcomed back to DFW. “It’s really great to have the Sidekicks playing here once again,” former head coach Gordon Jago said. “So many of the young Sidekicks fans of the eighties and nineties who remember the excitement and the atmosphere of Reunion Area are now married and have families and want to take their youngsters to see the Sidekicks.” Jago will partner with 1310 The Ticket’s Norm Hitzges to call the team’s home games on Time Warner Cable this season. Tatu, the most honored player in the team’s history, is returning as head coach and general manager. He scored nearly 800 goals in his indoor career and was part of all four of the team’s championships. After each Sidekicks goal this season, the team will throw an autographed jersey and ball into the stands in honor of his famous goal celebrations. Several former players also returned to the organization,

including Patrick Shamu, Nick Stavrou, Kiley Couch, Shaun David. and goalkeeper Sagu, who was in goal for the 2001 championship win. “Indoor soccer is a pretty small, tight-knit community,” Tatu said. “Once the word got out that the team was coming back, my phone started ringing.” The team has dominated the beginning of its 16-game season Dallas Sidekicks with wins both at home Heads up! The Sidekicks are back! and on the road. The first game of the season on November 3 played out in front of a sold out PASL record home crowd of 5,909, and included a guest appearance by Dallas Mavericks’ forward Dirk Nowitzki. The 6-2 victory included goals from Carlos Videla, Kylie Couch, Patrick Shamu, Franck Mbemba, and Renato Pereira. The Sidekicks also set team records for fewest goals allowed in a season opener (2) and fewest goals allowed at halftime in a season opener (0). The Sidekicks remained undefeated in their second game, defeating the Rio Grande Valley Flash 7-3 on the road. The win broke the Sidekicks’ six-game road opener losing streak. Jamie Lovegrove and Ricardinho recorded their first goals of the season, while Mbemba, Pereira and Videla added to their totals. The Sidekicks return home for their next game, a rematch against Rio Grande Valley on Friday, November 30 at 7:30 p.m. Individual and season tickets are on sale now through Ticketmaster or the team website, www. dallassidekicks.net. Tickets may also be purchased by calling 214-550-6130. Fans may follow the team on Twitter @GoSidekicks or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/GoSidekicks.

EXPOSED! Rapid Injury Recovery Secrets of 18 NFL Pro Bowl Players The question a lot of football fans are asking nowa-days is “HOW are some of these NFL players coming back from injuries so fast and better than they were before, while others are struggling to just stay on the field?” (Two returning players of which are in the Top 5 for MVP balloting and 16 others going to the Pro Bowl!) Well, the answer is simple; Utilization of the FDA approved, ARP Wave System. Unlike the antiquated treatment and rehabilitation that has been used for the past 2,000 years that treats the PHYSICAL SYMPTOM of a problem, we treat the NEUROLOGICAL ORIGIN of the symptom and when we do, we ELIMINATE the pain and the symptom 99% of the time. You see, ALL physical pain and injury is caused by the body’s inability to absorb force in a certain area. Hence the reason for hip, back, neck, knee and joint pain. We are able to locate the origin of that problem from a neurological standpoint with our ARP Wave System, treat it, and when we do, the muscle that was not absorbing force is now firing properly, taking the force AWAY from the injured or painful area and the physical symptom disappears. NO SURGERY NEEDED. NO HARMFUL DRUGS NEEDED. There is a reason the top NFL Players trust their multi-million careers to our system of injury prevention and rehab… because it works and NO ONE can do what we can do in terms of elevating their performance and keeping them on the field.

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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS My son had an ACL tear & was out 6 months. How quick would he have returned with the ARP? On the ARP Wave System, we can rehab an ACL injury in 6 weeks. We got NFL Pro Bowler Dwight Freeney back in 12 days from three torn ankle ligaments for his last Super Bowl along with a clean MRI. It’s criminal that some trainers and doctors keep players out so long when they can be back in 6 weeks as opposed to 6 months to a year! There is absolutely NO reason an athlete should be out longer than 6-8 weeks for a tear.

I have major back pain and have tried everything. When would I see results with the ARP System? You will see results on your VERY FIRST VISIT. From there we put you into a 20 session program that takes less than 4 weeks and at the end of 4 weeks you will be pain free and have the range of motion of that of an 18 year old.

I was thinking about having hip surgery. Can I avoid it with the ARP Wave System? DO NOT HAVE ANY FORM OF JOINT RELATED SURGERY until you visit with us! Your hip is in pain because of a muscle not absorbing force. We will find the origin of the problem, treat it, strengthen it and 90 times of 100 allow you to AVOID surgery. The ARP Wave saved Stanley Cup Champion Tim Thomas career, recovering his hip to play at an elite athletic level.

Is the ARP Treatment covered by insurance? No. However, we WILL finance you over a payment schedule that fits your budget. No credit check required.

There is no such thing as a “season ending injury” There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for anyone to be living in pain or taking excessive time to rehab an injury. No excuse whatsoever. We cringe when we see an NFL, NBA or MLB player go down with a “season ending injury” when we know full well we can have them back in 6-8 weeks at MAX SPEED! And we can point to several NFL clients right now that are having MVP seasons as testament to this. IF YOU’RE LIVING IN PAIN, have limited range of motion or considering joint related surgery, your NEXT STEP should be to call us. We will demonstrate results in your very first visit and th have you pain and injury free in 1/10 the time as normal treatment and rehab. Without drugs… without surgery.

PAIN FREE, FIRST VISIT

ONLY $125.00 $49.00 In your very FIRST 30 minute visit, we will locate the origin of your pain and demonstrate to you that we can permanently ELIMINATE it. You will see and feel results THAT DAY! Lets us prove it to you

To schedule a visit call 972-764-5115 Dallas Peak Performance & Rehab 15455 Dallas Parkway, Addison, TX Ste 600


VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

just suit me

November 28 - december 4, 2012

9

This Christmas it’s time to put away the Xbox 360 and Call of Duty and start asking for things that make you look more like the man and not a man…on the couch…with Cheetos stuck to his shirt.

The Color of Kings Ralph Lauren Purple Label You can’t go wrong with Ralph. His classic looks with impeccable tastes are sure to turn heads and make plenty of Ho Ho Ho’s appear in your future. ralphlauren.com | $1,800+

From Paris With Love Louis Vuitton Make an entrance to any holiday party with a suit handcrafted by Malletier’s finest and there will be a line of fashionably conscious women waiting for you under the mistletoe. louisvuitton.com | $2,000+

The Cool Kids Michael Andrews Bespoke The jolly old fat guy sees that you have some swagger about yourself in a subversive sort of way so he brought you the works of art by young tailors Michael Andrews Bespoke. Now your style is colder than Jack Frost ice-skating in a snow globe. michaelandrewsbespoke.com | $2,000+ Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook


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November 28 - december 4, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

gifts for the filthy rich

WireLIST

Techie Stocking Stuffers

By jay betsill - @thefamousjay

Google Nexus 10 Classification: Tablet Coolest Feature: 2560 x 1600 10-inch screen Setting Santa Back: $400 Nook HD+ Classification: Tablet Coolest Feature: Full access to Barnes & Noble’s catalog Setting Santa Back: $300 HTC 8X Classification: Smartphone Coolest Feature: Beats by Dre audio system Setting Santa Back: $199

NEIMAN MARCUS EDITION 2013 MCLAREN 12C Spider The 2013 Neiman Marcus Edition McLaren 12C Spider in Volcano Red includes limited-edition features and a McLaren luggage set. Plus, you’ll receive a business-class trip to England for a VIP dinner with McLaren Chairman Ron Dennis and a tour of the McLaren Technology Center. There are only 12 available, so time is of the essence. Numbers: 0-60 in 3.2 seconds; Maximum speed: 204 mph; 196 mph in convertible mode. Price ~ a cool $354,000

IPHONE APP VIP BLACK The Millionaire’s App’, is the first and only premium lifestyle application designed especially for the iPhone. To keep out the riff raff, prospective members are required to certify, upon download, that they are “High Net Worth Individuals.” Qualifying—in the form of personalized attention and premium experiences offered by VIP’s team of luxury partners. These partners include Gordon Ramsay Restaurants, Virgin Limited Edition (Necker Island, The Lodge Verbier, and more), Firmdale Hotels, along with many other first-class brands, venues and services located around the world. Membership covers all aspects of the luxury lifestyle: butlers, theatres, personal trainers, private jets, a concierge, casinos, personal styling, as well as surprise gifts, welcome packages, complimentary room upgrades, exclusive rates, priority access, and other unique privileges.

iPad Mini Classification: Tablet Coolest Feature: FaceTime HD Camera Setting Santa Back: $330-$660

Samsung Galaxy Note II Classification: Phablet Coolest Feature: 64GB of internal memory Setting Santa Back: $299 iPhone 5 Classification: Smartphone Coolest Feature: Retina display Setting Santa Back: $200$400

www.diygenius.com

GOLF TRIP TO PEBBLE BEACH Pebble Beach Golf Links has the annual PGA TOUR event, the AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am, every February. In addition, it has hosted five U.S. Open Championships. It is essential to have a Pebble Beach tag on your golf bag if you want to be considered a serious golfer. If you want to add serious coin to the image, call a few friends or possibly head pro at one of your many country clubs and get on the uberexclusive Cypress Point Club. Since you are going to Pebble, get the most expensive “Stay, Play & Spa Package,” that begins at $4,495 at Casa Palermo. 

THE HARDWOOD SUITE AT THE PALMS CASINO RESORT IN LAS VEGAS  If you have true ‘baller status,’ the odds are pretty good that when you go to Sin City, you are on the ‘Whales List’ and get comped everywhere you go in the hopes that you will lose a certain amount of money in said casino. Then again, you may not be a big gambler and simply be independently wealthy and just desire a high roller suite.  The 10,000-square-foot, two-story Hardwood suite in the Palms’ Fantasy Tower contains a half-court basketball court, three regular bathrooms, one team shower with three stalls, a pool table, plenty of video games, and holds 350 people.  Price ~ $25,000 a night

Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

EUROCOPTER MERCEDES-BENZ EC145 Since Cowboys Stadium and Rangers Ballpark in Arlington are both equipped with helipads, why not get a helicopter to avoid that North Arlington traffic on game days. If you are going to buy a helicopter, why not go all the way and show off with a Mercedes. A regular EC 145 costs about $5.5 million, the Mercedes version is going to cost somewhere around $7 million. But it’s totally worth it—no other Mercedes can go 153 mph (with a range of 426 miles) while flying 17,000 feet above the ground.


VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

November 28 - december 4, 2012

if all else fails, get ’em drunk

11

The best way for alcoholics to spend Christmas is hand-in-hand with an old friend. Find the wino in denial in your life and buy accordingly.

19

$

The I’ll Drink Anything Except Lighter Fluid…Okay, Lighter Fluid Too Drunk Wambrechies Single Malt Whisky A whisky that’s almost as pleasant as gargling pee. It also comes in Bic and Zippo flavors.

The Bookworm-turned-Party Animal Drunk Jägermeister & 6-Pack of Redbull

9

$

If you haven’t seen your friend topless yet, wait five minutes. Ah, nothing like an incredible night followed by a morning of shame and regret.

20

$

The James Bond Drunk Three Olives Vodka & Boodles British Gin

26

$

After four martinis anything at the bar starts looking like Octopussy.

19

$

IT’S A WATCH, IT’S A PHONE,

IT’S THE FUTURE!

TV

AS SEEN ON

The I Party Like A Rapper Drunk Gold Ace of Spades Champagne

$

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BEST WATCH CELL PHONE

4999

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9999

Nothing pours down the crack of a stripper’s ass smoother.

200

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The Rich Bastard Uncle Drunk Parker’s Heritage Collection 27-Year-Old Small Batch Bourbon $200 This will get that rich S.O.B’s liver drier than beef jerky so you can get to the inheritance money one Christmas earlier.

BUY NOW 888-711-7326 214-995-2134 214-861-0089

2 Free Bluetooth and Extra Battery with a Purchase of Watchphone $80.00 Value

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All Major Credit Cards Accepted www.theinventionofthewatchphone.com email: be@theinventionofthewatchphone.com Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook


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November 28 - december 4, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

WE ‘VE GOT

BEST

HAMBURGER! — READER’S CHOICE POLL DMN

WEEKENDS ARE FOR NURSING HANGOVERS

STOP BY FOR $3.50 MIMOSAS, BLOODY MARYS AND BUD SELECT DRAFTS

$3.50 MIMOSAS, BLOODY MARYS AND BUD SELECT DRAFTS

QUICKLY BECOMING FAMOUS LATE NITE MENU ON THUR - FRI - SAT AFTER 10PM See more of valarie and others at Blitzweekly.com Model: Valarie Photography Courtesy: Darryl Briggs / www.darrylbriggs.com Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Valarie

Look, we got a QR-Code


VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

November 28 - december 4, 2012

13

girlfriend gift timeline (0-3 months)

(3-8 months)

I like you but not that much MAX BUDGET: $25

Socialite Girl: Gund Philbin 18” Bear $24.36

I’m really starting to get fond of you MAX BUDGET: $65 Uptown Girl: Daisy by Marc Jacobs $65.00 Lawyer Girl: Heartbeat Necklaces $50.00 Giving Girl: Gift Certificate to a store that you like $65.00

Adventure Girl: The Complete Kama Sutra $14.04

Rocker Girl: Maria Francesca Pepe Studded Ear Cuff $50.00

(8 months - 1 year) Screw it, I’ll keep ya MAX BUDGET: $140 Jealous, Psycho Girl: Slip into the Darkness Gift Set $132.00 Geek Girl: Marc Ecko Star Wars Hoodie $140.00 Future Doctor Girl: Anatomically Correct Gummy Bear $40.00 Great Tickets to Sports Games Girl: Tom Ford Neroli Portofino Candle $85.00

Hippy Girl: Uni-Corn Corn Holders $7.00 Animal Lover Girl: Stray cat $0.00

in time for christmas Audemars Piguet Royal Oak Offshore Arnold Schwarzenegger The Legacy ($40,000) Elegant, yet Conan at the same time. Crom if you don’t buy me this watch then to hell with you!

U-Boat Classico U-1001 Limited Edition ($5,100) You pick good watch comrade. Too bad big man in Gulag come to chop off your arm for it.

Chopard Mille Miglia Gt XL Chrono ($9,230) You put on this watch and suddenly your more attractive, weird right?

Graham Silverstone Tourbillograph ($43,000) Slap puny Rolexes out of your way.

Richard Mille RM 055 ($525,000+) Something about this watch just screams, “Fuck yeah!” Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook


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November 28 - december 4, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

CRAVE dfw Duck season? Rabbit season? No, it’s tamale season. It’s that magical time of year when you buy up all the bounty brought forth by the older lady going door-to-door. This woman who wields a warm ice chest full of meat filled masa is as precious as her cargo, and we heartily anticipate her call.

What? You don’t have a tamale lady in your neighborhood? You could certainly make your own, or check out one of several pretty amazing tamale makers in the Dallas area. We have a list.

We Sure APPreciate It!!

Luna’s Tortilla: Founded in 1924 the family operated factory provides tortillas, tamales and other hand crafted specialties to many local restaurants and hotels, but they also sell direct to the public out of their tiny Harry Hines factory. You will find daily breakfast and lunch specials to take-away but the big seller here during holidays are the tamales. Luna’s takes orders early and will sell out quickly, spending days and nights working to fill the many orders. What makes Luna’s so very special is their masa; it is made from scratch daily and receives regular shipments of corn stored in the silo found

scene in Oak Cliff, Tortilleria Tuzantla is family owned and operated with four generations of the Martinez family. Although their specialty lies in the tortillas they make, the tortilleria also hand spreads many dozens of tamales catering most to Day of the Dead, Christmas and New Year’s, but has them available throughout the year in many varieties of fillings. La Victoria: Rounding up the list for our favorite tamales is another East Dallas gem. Serving sturdy enchiladas, homemade tortillas, and delightful tamales La Victoria receives top honors on all fronts. The La Victoria tamale is firm, fat and filled to the brim of their husks with a flavorful assortment of meats. The seating is limited but they sell the tamales by the dozen to go for your big holiday party. Not interested in take-away tamales and prefer devouring them at a restaurant? We got you covered. Favorites include the tamales at Komali on Cole near Uptown (they also have the best margaritas in Dallas). Also we love the tamales at Mextopia on Greenville Avenue, Meso Maya on Preston at Forest Lane, Mr Mesero on Knox and Mia Dia From Scratch in Grapevine. Grab a tamale and celebrate the season with spice.

Steven Doyle

Cuquita’s Restaurant: Owned by the Villafranca family and located in Farmers Branch, Cuquita’s is proud of their tamales, as they should. The airy tamale is heavy on meat and light on masa making for an excellent example of a tamale. Cuquito’s recently made the list of Texas Monthly’s best and for a good reason. They make tamales daily to keep up with demand, and also are famous for their handmade corn tortillas made with the same masa. Their jalapeno and tomatillo salsa is also a good accompaniment.

Make Blitzweekly.com  at home on your phone

By Steven Doyle - www.cravedfw.com

in the front of the building. They also believe that a tamale should be more meat that masa, a formula many cooks seem to forget. Place your orders early for holiday parties. Tortilleria Tuzantla: New to the tamale

CRAVEdfw

La Popular Tamale House: Located in East Dallas La Popular is extremely popular for tamales. I am generally leery of restaurants with their featured item in their name (see: Chili’s), but Popular lives up to the name serving a wide range of tamales. For the less intrepid food traveler you may also find the tasty tamale in Shed #2 at the Dallas Farmers Market. Although not extremely large, the tamale is packed with flavor and priced well.

You Like. You Follow. You Win. Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Haven’t seen anything rolled this good since our weekend with Snoop Dogg

Steven Doyle


VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

civil disobedience

By C. Patterson - cpatterson@blitzweekly.com

K

aren Civil is not your typical blogger. Her procurement of a position at multimillion dollar headphone juggernaut Beats by Dr. Dre, access to hip hop’s luminous power players, and upward sense of direction set her apart for the Starbucks blogger wasteland years ago. By changing keystrokes into keys to success her will to achieve in a supremely masculinity driven business seems nearly indomitable. A beauty that was hard-bitten by the music bug but has never recorded an album or sang a note still managed to become your favorite rapper’s favorite writer. What was the one moment when you realized that you were a big deal? I think it would be the MTV M.V.P. nomination or accolade that I was given, because I really wasn’t expecting that, that wasn’t something that they had spoken with me about at all. Someone tweeted me and said “congratulations” and I was like “for what?” And that’s when they told me that MTV named me Hip Hop MVP of 2010. It’s great when your peers acknowledge you, but when a platform like MTV, something that I have been watching since a child does it, is in and of itself incredible. Your first memory of hip hop I remember the first time that I saw the Biggie Smalls “One More Chance” video. Growing up we listened to all different types of music in our house, but my mother really pushed country music and R&B, you know, like Whitney Houston type of stuff. So, I finally got a TV in my room and the first thing that I saw on it was the Biggie Smalls video on MTV and I was just like “who is this guy?” It was just like the whole feel of it and Brooklyn and I had never been to a house

November 28 - december 4, 2012

15

karen civil is a rebel with applause Your favorite interview I loved Wiz Khalifa because he’s just so honest and he has such a great spirit. If you are in his presence he just has such a real humbling nice spirit. He’s not BSing you, he’s giving you honesty and having a good time with it.

party. It looked like so much fun and I couldn’t wait to grow up and have that look and hang with my friends like that. I was mesmerized by it. How close have you come to having a music video moment like that in real life? It’s crazy because I had a moment like that when Lil’ Wayne celebrated his birthday in September. It felt like the Biggie video because nothing was roped off and everyone just partied together. Their was a pool, a skating area, a stage, places to eat food, it was just so nice because you turn around and there’s Cee-lo [Green] doing some hookah and then Paris Hilton turning it up. It was just a great moment. Everywhere you turned it was just a different type of celebrity, but you were all having a good time.

Your worst… Yelawolf was a little bit hard. He’s not really open to having long discussions let’s just say it like that.

Toughest moment in your career so far Sometimes it’s weird the things people say to you being a female and

you have to think “would you say that to me if I was a male?” Having an opinion some people don’t know how to articulate themselves and say ok let me discuss my opinion with her. They choose not to have a discussion with me or open up dialogue. They just say things like “this bitch doesn’t know what she is talking about.” You wouldn’t speak to a Shaheem Reid like that. You wouldn’t speak to a Brian Miller like that. I just want the same respect that you would give a male, but at the same time I realize that I can’t make everyone respect me. It’s unfortunate that people automatically classify you as a bitch or a hoe. Maybe I just worked extremely hard to get to where I am.

What’s up next? I am really excited about this book that I have been working on for a very long time that I want to put out. It has nothing to do with hip hop. We get so lost in our everyday lives with things happening that I wanted to put together a book of affirmations alwayscivilenterprise and positive quotes for people to continuously keep with them for life, love and work. Just so that they know things will be alright. It’s called Live Civil 101 Positive Affirmations and I am in the process of finalizing that now. And then my company Civil Enterprise is a strategic digital marketing company that teaches people how to build their online presence. Although we are a small company, we were able to secure some great people like Mary J. Blige, Young Jeezy, of course Lil’ Wayne, Mountain Dew under the Weezy project, and Funkmaster Flex. I’m just really excited about what we have in the future. Check out all her interviews, pics, and more at www.karencivil.com

Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook


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November 28 - december 4, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

gearshift

sleigh rides our Christmas car wish list By david goodspeed - dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com

See the full auto reviews of our entire Christmas Wish List on blitzweekly.com One Swede Ride The Anti-Soccer Mom The 2013 Mercedes-Benz GL was just named SUV of the Year by Motor Trend and after spending a week with the vehicle recently it is easy to see why it wears that crown. The GL comes with a choice of powertrains and our recent tester arrived with the BlueTec turbodiesel 3.0-liter V-6 engine that generates 240hp and a whopping 455 lb. ft. of torque. The BlueTec is backed by a slick seven-speed automatic gearbox with Direct Select shift lever and steering wheel mounted shift paddles (on a diesel, yes). This GL350 rides on stylish 19-inch twin 5-spoke alloy wheels sprung by the awesome Airmatic self-leveling air suspension system for one of the best rides on the road today, SUV or not. Pricing begins at a reasonable $62,400.

Tiny Terror The great thing about MINI cars is they deliver everything they promise. And the new MINI Cooper Coupe – specifically the MINI John Cooper Works Coupe – promises to be one of the funnest driving experiences on the road. This car is a blast to drive, despite rather gastly blind spots. No problem, just keep everything behind you, and thanks to the very spirited nature of the turbocharged, directinjected 1.6-liter four (generating 208hp) one can easily accomplish that feat. While the rest of the MINI Coupe family offers automatic gearboxes, the John Cooper Works edition utilizes a six-speed Gertrag manual for a more spirited (read: traditional) driving experience. The JCW Coupe begins at $31,200. Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

When looking back on cars I have driven this year there are a few that resonate driving enjoyment and would be nameplates I would like to see in my own driveway permanently. One of the biggest surprises was a Volvo – yes, I said Volvo. The new S60R is very attractive and as I opened the driver’s door to peer inside my enthusiasm did not waiver. I was pleased to see something that did not look like a scene from an Ikea catalog. Under the hood resides a spirited 325hp/354 lb. ft. of torque turbocharged 3.0-liter six-cylinder engine mated to a slick six-speed Geartronic automatic transmission with adaptive shift logic and (woohoo) sport mode. From here all power is sent to the wheels via the AWD system with something called Instant Traction. One touch of the gas pedal and the results are immediate – Instant Traction is exactly what you get so one had better be hanging on. Pricing for the 2013 S60 T6 AWD R begins at $43,900.

Outside the Box Lighter, faster, more agile, and, as if it really matters, more fuel-efficient. That is how Porsche describes its next-generation Boxster convertible sports car. The Boxster was a hit from the start and since initial launch Porsche has sought to improve on the initial package while not confusing the car with its bread-and-butter 911 line. The Boxster is a mid-engine two-seater and for 2013 is almost totally madeover. The new design has a longer wheelbase and wider tracks front and rear for better balance. It is surprisingly athletic and this car feels oh-so-good on the road. Boxster arrives with a 2.7-liter boxer engine generating 265hp to the rear wheels. The more spirited Boxster S offers 315 ponies from a 3.4-liter flat six. Six-speed manual gearboxes are available for traditionalists but we enjoyed the new seven-speed Porshe-Doppelkupplungsgetriebe transmission (PDK for short). Pricing begins at $49,500.


VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

November 28 - december 4, 2012

the fishing trip

JOKES

THE MISHANDLING OF HOOTERS? According to an Associated Press report printed in The Dallas Morning News, November 22, 2012, up to one-third of breast cancers – 50,000 to 70,000 cases a year – don’t need treatment. Quoting: “Mammograms have done surprisingly little to catch deadly breast cancers before they spread, a big U.S. study finds. At the same time, more than a million women have been treated for cancers that never would have threatened their lives, researchers estimate.”

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is set to leave, Ron’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Ron’s buddies are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do? They have no choice but to go without him. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. “Ron, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?” “Well, I’ve been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, “Guess who?” I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, “Do whatever you want.” So, here I am. You guys want a beer?”

A FACEBOOK FREEDOM FAILURE Ever post something on Facebook,

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 The fact that you were born without a sense of humor continues to amaze us all.

Pisces February 19 – March 20 Your fear that “no one will love you anymore” is incorrect. The correct phrase is “no one has ever loved you.”

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 You will certainly survive the weekend just don’t expect any book deals or made for tv contracts.

Aries March 21 – April 19 Smile! That part-time job for the holidays will be yours if you have reliable transportation and proof of insurance!

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Although it may be true that your significant other doesn’t make you happy, frankly speaking nothing really makes you happy anyways.

17

Blitz Funnys

Taurus April 20 – May 20 Now is the time for you to start new projects as long as power tools are not required.

wishing you hadn’t? In the U.S. usually little damage is done. But, in many parts of the world, an “improper” post could affect your life. For instance, in New Delhi, when India’s financial capital shut down in November 2012, for the funeral of a powerful politian linked to mob violence, a female posted on Facebook that the closures were “due to fear, not due to respect,” causing her friend to hit the “like” button, and both were arrested. Though the women later apologized, one of their uncle’s orthopedic clinics was ransacked. SHE SHOULD’VE “GASSED” HIM NBCMiami.com reports “John Collazos, 47, of Hollywood, was arrested Monday (11-19-21) and faces one count of practicing dental hygiene without an active license, according to a complaint affidavit.” Worst procedure Collazos had “pulled” was convincing a female patient she’d need a pain shot in her hip before dental work begun, and then he proceeded to kiss her on the butt instead.

Gemini May 21 – June 21 You will relinquish your title as Chief Operating Officer after being forced to admit that you’re just a shift leader at McDonald’s.

Virgo August 23 – September 22 Love may mean different things to different people but for you one thing is certain; someone’s getting dinner for free.

Cancer June 22 – July 22 You’ll finally be able to build the home you’ve always dreamed of now that you have enough cardboard boxes.

Libra September 23 – October 22 Tell us again why you’re the World’s Best Glory Hole.

Leo July 23 – August 22 You’ll experience a strange mix of violence and complete boredom when you become a fan of the English Premier League.

ACROSS 1. Range 6. Backside 10. Ploy 14. The day after yesterday 15. Information 16. Chooses 17. High society 18. 1 1 1 1 19. Atop 20. Handwritten document 22. Arid 23. Mineral rock 24. Vestibule 26. Prayer beads 30. Stripes 32. Licoricelike flavor 33. Dead at birth 37. Fortitude 38. Intoxicating 39. Curved molding 40. Partner 42. Papal court

43. A steel wire rope 44. Potential 45. Excuse 47. Bar bill 48. Dogfish 49. Skidoo 56. Essence 57. Center 58. Law and _____ 59. Leer at 60. End ___ 61. T he general activity of selling 62. “Comes and ____” 63. Store 64. Excrete

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 You’re an open person and willing to try new things as long as it involves bar food.

DOWN 1. Flower stalk 2. Soft drink 3. Norse god 4. A Maori club 5. Blight 6. Love intensely 7. Hindu princess 8. Stair 9. From the east 10. Deckhand 11. Not lower 12. Tale 13. Feudal worker 21. Weep 25. Zero 26. Indian music 27. Burden 28. Seats oneself 29. Affiliates 30. Condition 31. It ebbs and flows 33. Secure against leakage

34. Monster 35. Bridle strap 36. Tidy 38. Black-eyed Susan or red sorrel 41. Taxi 42. A car on a freighttrain 44. Flee 45. Spanish for “Friend” 46. Fine thread 47. Dweeb 48. All excited 50. Snack 51. Chocolate cookie 52. Boast 53. Doing nothing 54. Dregs 55. At one time (archaic)

Solution on Page 18 Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook


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November 28 - december 4, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

The CLOSER

Pocketful of Peens Thorned Not Scorned 

Posie Pocket has experienced some puzzling dating situations. Instead of hardening her heart, she’s reflecting on these encounters with hope and bright eyes for the future. By sharing her stories, she’s revealing the lessons learned and getting a good laugh while on the lookout for love.

Popping the Virtual Cherry To eDate or not to eDate? That is the question I’ve been struggling with since my departure into the land of perpetual dating. Is it kind of desperate and a last resort? Or is it truly the wave of the future and I need to hop on? Whenever someone brought up the idea of me logging onto an online dating site, I became offended and annoyed. I clung to the idea I wanted to meet my future hubby in the most random, unforced, serendipitous moment. I don’t want to have to pay a computer money each month to sort through a collection of hand-me-down men who can’t get a date the real way. My insecure and skewed view of online dating switched in a flash one day when my gal pal, who is a total knockout, casually mentioned she had ventured on a couple dates with fellas she met on online dating sites. This stopped me in my tracks. I thought, “Well if one of my prettiest, kind-hearted friends is on there, I need to get on too!” After this new perception of online dating

popped into my head, I began realizing I was just being kind of insecure with the whole idea. When you think about it, so much of our time is spent online. Whether this is a good or bad thing, this is the reality of our daily lives. Back in the day, my grandma and grandpa met at a cute little ice cream store. Now that’s my idea of a guy. One with a sweet tooth and one who’s not knocking back a dozen beers at the local titty bar. As our culture has shifted, more of our leisure time is spent logged on than letting go, relaxing at the local soda fountain shop. I should have grown up in the 1950’s with a poodle skirt and pigtails. Would have suited me much better I think. As I began to wrap my brain around the idea of subscribing to an online dating site, I just couldn’t get over this nagging feeling. It’s hard to put my finger on it, but I know for sure the feeling was doused with insecurity. I almost felt ashamed and pathetic that I was toying with online dating. I didn’t want to be this bothered by it and was pissed this insecurity was holding me back. Typically I have the attitude of “Piss on you, I don’t give a shit what you think.” So this insecure feeling was foreign to me and I longed for it to escape my body. The knockout friend who online dated asked me to come over and create an account for myself. She promised she’d hold my hand and I could chicken out at the last minute if I wanted to. She also coaxed me with several glasses of wine. As we filled out our dating profiles together, it was actually quite fun. You get to spend two hours gabbing about yourself and highlighting your best qualities. You also are pinpointing all the qualities you want in a match. So basically, I felt like I was creating the perfect man. This is science - how could it not work?! When the time came to press “enter” and let the online dating world know, “this girl

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wants a date,” those insecurities being blaring in my head. I panicked and thought, “Well I don’t want to date the kind of guy who sits down and fills out an online dating profile. I want a man who is out in the world being confident.” I was so mad I was allowing myself to be plagued by these insecurities. Why did I have such a struggle with this? It’s not like I was sending off for an arranged marriage. I was simply casually putting out the message I was likely to accept a date. One click and there was no turning back. I submitted my credit card and information, height and photos to the online dating underworld. I instantly felt the scarlet letter burned into my chest. I felt like I was baring a secret I couldn’t tell anyone. I also felt those shitty insecure feelings wrapping around me in a fog. I instantly got matched with some prospects and was horrified. I thought, “I’ve got a long three months ahead of me if these are the quality of matches I get.” As the days went on, it was getting a little more exciting. What virtual love could I potentially have today? The boys started picking up on the quality front and there were even some handsome ones in there! My spirits were picking up and I thought this could potentially be a good thing! I also had the realization that it’s smart to have several different tactics all being implemented to achieve the same goal. Why not sprinkle in some online potentials with the boys I meet in real life? One of them will be great enough to keep around eventually. Here comes a true online dating test. I have a date lined up next week with a seemingly fantastic guy I met online. Looks wonderful on paper and the phone conversation was effortless and engaging. We’ll see if the face-to-face encounter is a happy one. Here’s hoping and here goes nothing! Bottoms up!

The

AnsweR Guy with

Arthur Bellfield

Dear Arthur,  How do I tell my girlfriend that I hate her dog? Now don’t get me wrong I don’t hate all dogs, just hers. “Sir Barksalot” is constantly yapping and jumping on everything and I have to address him as though he is a real person. He even sleeps between us at night. Is it wrong that I want to smother it with a pillow at night and claim it was an accident? Seriously though, I want to tell her that it’s Barksalot or me but I think he would win.  Life Lesson time! Telling someone you hate their dog is like telling them that you hate their bastard kid. It never ends in your favor. Let me tell you a story. I was once in a similar situation where I met this girl, fell in lust, and then went home to meet her pets. She had two dogs, and a cat; all inside of a one bedroom apartment. The smells alone were the talk of the town! I spent one night over there and in between stepping over left over dog butt biscuits and wondering if the cat piss triggered some strange latent mutant allergies within me…I WAS TOTALLY GROSSED OUT! The final nail in the coffin was when we were laying in the bed naked, one of the dogs jumped in the bed with us! I jumped up half-erect and pissed off. To add insult to injury the frigging dog ran off with my condom. True story! Ok…the condom was lost under the sheets, but that could have happened too. My advice to you my friend is to try talking to her about your concerns like the dog sleeping in the bed. If she’s unwilling to make some compromises, then it’s best to end it!


VOL. 5 - ISSUE 11

November 28 - december 4, 2012

19

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