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Three men face assault charges after they allegedly attacked an off-duty Harrisburg police officer in a dispute over dog waste. Police said brothers Matthew Stauffer, 33, and Daniel Stauffer, 31, attacked police Officer John Doll earlier this month. Investigators said the Stauffers confronted Doll about his dog’s waste, even though Doll had already bagged it. According to court documents, Doll identified himself as an off-duty officer and got both men to the ground before a third man attacked him. Police charged the Stauffers and 25-year-old Noah Coburn with aggravated assault, conspiracy and public drunkeness. All three men are free on bail.

California Woman Says Chihuahua Died Saving Her Kids

PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jennifer Wayne CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER Cover Photography: Nathaniel Chadwick STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Nathaniel Chadwick, Kent Gilley, Tim Gravens, Steven Hendrix, Matt Pearce, Jason Ryan, Ed Westerman CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Veronica Belmont, Gloria Brumagen, Manny Flores, Sachi Gahan, Ming Hong, Gina Hughes, Joe Lorenzini, Fernando Mafra, Matt Rogers, D. O’Neil, Pavel Sevela, David Shankbone, Nate “Igor” Smith, Frank Vincentz, BrokenSphere, Brwetter, Neroyak STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Eric Kendall, Frank LaCosta, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak, Craig Smith, Joe Stumpo, Jennifer Wayne and Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Dennis Hambright, Andrew J. Hewett, Jason Miller, Sybil Summers ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029

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Photos Courtesy: Ming Hong, D. O’Neil, David Shankbone and Veronica Belmont

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VOL. 2 - ISSUE 45

July 7 - 13, 2010 3

Copyright 2010 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www.blitzweekly.com.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK “I had a cab driver that was so happy and excited to give me a ride that, when I got out to pay him, he got out and gave me a hug. (The fame) has gotten a little crazy, but I love it. I think it’s cool.” -- Shaun White

Man Arrested For Entering House, Taking Shower

Authorities have arrested a man accused of breaking into a home near Roswell High School last Wednesday and taking a shower. Roswell police spokesman Lt. James McGee said neighbors told police they saw a man entering the home. Police said the homeowner then arrived and found someone taking a shower. McGee said the woman talked to the man who was in the shower, then came back out of the house. She called police who got the man out. McGee said the unidentified man insisted he was the “Duke of Germany” before he was taken to jail in north Fulton County.

A Northern California woman says her Chihuahua died protecting her children from two pit bulls that got into her apartment. Mayda Estrella, of Richmond, says the family’s Chihuahua, named Manchas, jumped in between the canine invaders and her 4-year-old son Sunday. A pit bull grabbed Manchas with its jaws and carried the Chihuahua away. Contra Costa County animal services officials say the Chihuahua was killed, and the pit bulls are now in custody. The pit bulls’ owner says they had escaped their yard by chewing through a fence. Estrella says her front door was open when the dogs came in.

Andrew J. Hewett

www.chewednews.com

MIGHT SAY THIS FELLOW SHOT-HIMSELF-IN-THEFOOT, AND LEG

The 2010 World Cup Soccer games from South Africa brought out the worst in some fans. The Dallas Morning News reported June 28, 2010, Dallas locals Julio Rojasbahena, 28, Raul Santoyo, 17, and Lewis Santoyo, 27, had disagreed on which team was better on an upcoming match. So, Mr. Rojasbahena solved their disagreement by shooting to death both Raul and Lewis Santoyo; so sloppily, he shot himself in the leg, too.

THESE GALS WEAR ABOUT A SIZE 112 ZZZZZZZZZZZ BRA

Dorothy Rice of Conover, Wisconsin, created and owns the Franksville Specialty Co. This business is a builder of brassieres for cows. These “bras,” which come only in brown (Darn!), are designed to give milk-heavy cows an “up lifting” comfort, keeping them from injuring their utters or hooter(s). Otherwise, some milk-makers actually do, step on their own dragging nipples.

GOOD THING HE DIDN’T PINCH HER ON HER POSTERIOR

In 1656, in the town of Boston, a Captain Kemble returning home (on a Sunday) after three years at sea, grabbed his wife at their front door, and gave her a kiss. A cop saw them, however, causing Captain Kemble to be restrained in stocks for two hours. The charge? Lewd and unseemly behavior.


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4 July 7 - 13, 2010

HOLLYWOOD PROFILE

BLITZREVIEWS By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com

with Marisa Tomei

by: Vivian Fullerlove “Entertainment’s Real Critic”

For any of you children of the ‘80s, you will most likely remember Marisa Tomei as the quirky, bubbly sidekick in The Cosby Show spinoff A Different World. The actress didn’t spend too much time on the small screen, before capturing Oscar gold in her star making movie role in My Cousin Vinny. She went on to achieve more critical success in films like, In the Bedroom and The Wrestler. This week, her latest film Cyrus hits movie theatres. She stars in the film along with funnymen John C. Reilly and Jonah Hill. Tomei plays Molly, the love interest of Reilly’s character John. As he tries to win her heart, he is constantly cut off at the pass by her son Cyrus. I sat down with the Academy Award winning actress to talk about the film and what it was like working with up and coming indie darlings Jay and Mark Duplass. You have a real knack for picking your projects. You just always seem to “get it right.” What attracted you to Cyrus? I liked exploring the dynamic of these three people at this point in their lives. It’s something I hadn’t seen before. I was also attracted to the subtleties of parenting. The fine line explored between being overly co-dependent, or is it love in these intricate relationships between parents and children. That dynamic between your character and her son changes when John C. Reilly’s character enters the picture. John kind of forces his way into our lives, and we kind of see it as just life and we go with the flow, but it’s always been her and Cyrus, and she and him have always had a great time. They make music together. She homeschooled him, and they just really make each other laugh. What was it like having Jonah Hill play your son in the movie? He’s like playing my best friend. It was really easy to hang out with him. I got to see just how many more brilliant performances he has inside him just being with him everyday. I can just see how his mind works; and I know he is just going

to be so creative and vital for so long. You also got to work with Hollywood’s new directing dynamic duo, Jay and Mark Duplass. They have a very unique shooting style. How was that experience for you? I love how the camera work is. A lot of the time we had two cameras which really allowed all of the reactions to be caught on film. We were really able to just toss the ball back and forth. Both cameras were catching everything, and we didn’t have to recreate things on our side when a scene was over. That’s really unusual and really great for actors whether you’re doing comedy or drama. You are just right there in that same exact moment with your scene partner. It’s just really cozy and intimate, and we were all performing at the same time. Cyrus is being hailed as the Duplass brothers best work to date. The film opens in limited theatrical release this week; so, check your local listings for showings at a theatre near you. It is rated R for sexuality and language. Be sure and check out my show Reel Critics for all of this week’s new releases and more of your favorite celebs on Time Warner Cable Video on Demand under the North Texas programming tab

Knight and Day:

No matter how many stunts and action sequences filmmakers incorporate into their films, the only way the movie will work is if the two leads have any chemistry. That’s the only reason why I enjoyed Mr. and Mrs. Smith (2005), which starred Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as a dueling married couple working as assassins targeted by dueling agencies. Forget the plot. By comparison, I wanted to see more focus on the humorous relationship between Jake Gyllenhaal’s swash-buckling hero and Gemma Arterton’s damsel-indistress in Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time than the soulless video game action. Thankfully, the chemistry between Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise in the spy movie Knight and Day goes a lot farther than the slew of chase sequences and guns blazing. Cruise plays a mysterious, possibly rogue agent who befriends air traveler June

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Havens (Diaz) making her an unwilling accomplice in a government chase that begins across country and eventually around the world. It’s the likability of the two stars that won me over, not the predictable and, in some cases, unbelievable storyline. I don’t think, for example, in this post 9/11 era you will be lucky to board a flight that has only a dozen passengers. Oh, how I miss those days where I could have several seats to myself. Women will probably enjoy Knight and Day because it’s got Tom Cruise. As for guys like myself, it’s hard to resist Cameron Diaz’s infectious smile. What male secret agent wouldn’t want to dupe her into getting involved in a worldwide chase that begins for the two characters on an almost ill-fated flight from Witchita Falls and ends on the streets of Spain during the running of the bulls?


July 7 - 13, 2010 5 blitzweekly.com

by: Jason Miller “Music Enthusiast”

The Ultimate Summer Playlist

and the Stories Behind the Songs

“Doin’ Time” – Sublime – “Doin’ Time” is a loose cover of “Summertime” by George Gershwin, composed for the opera Porgy and Bess. The lyrics tell of a cheating girlfriend, whose infidelities and poor treatment of her lover makes him feel like he is in prison. On a lighter note, when drunk people here this song in public they often start doin’ stupid sh!t.  “Schools Out” – Alice Cooper – What’s the greatest three minutes of life asks Alice Cooper?: “There’s two times during the year. One is Christmas morning, when you’re just getting ready to open the presents. The next one is the last three minutes of the last day of school when you’re sitting there and it’s like a slow fuse burning.” I said, ‘If we can catch that three minutes in a song, it’s going to be so big.’” The greatest three minutes of my life during high school can be attributed to the first time I, um, never mind.  “California Girls” – The Beach Boys - The music for the song came from Brian Wilson’s first LSD experience. According to Brian Wilson himself, shortly after taking LSD, he ran up to a bedroom and hid under a pillow, shouting “I’m afraid of my mom, I’m afraid of my dad.” Randomly, he got up, said “That’s enough of that” and went to a piano. David Lee Roth would later cover the song, which suffering a different form of LSD referred to as Less Significant and Disappointing.  “Song #2” – Blur – The first time this song was

Drifters - single

3. Fantastic Voyage

Coolio – It Takes a Thief

4. Margaritaville

Jimmy Buffet - Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes

5. Summer

War – Best Of War & More

6. Good Day Sunshine

Beatles - Revolver

7. The Boys of Summer

Don Henley – Building the Perfect Beast

8. Summertime Blues

Eddie Cochran - single

9. In the Summertime

Mungo Jerry - Electronically Tested

10. Summer in the City

The Lovin’ Spoonful - Hums of the Lovin’ Spoonful

Big Balls Duke’s – Addison Join Sybil from 105.3 The Fan as she hosts Duke’s Big Balls. It’s the biggest game of beer pong you’ve ever seen. Instead of plastic cups and ping pong balls, it’s garbage cans and dodge balls.

Thur 7/8

2. Under the Boardwalk

Wed 7/7

Riesling Wine Tasting Wine’tastic! Wine Lounge – Dallas Rieslings are one of the most food friendly wines and perfect for summer—sweet and light. The tasting is $20 and starts at 6 p.m.

Fri 7/9

Ramones – Rocket to Russia

Chamber of Kings, Little Green Men and Revengeance O’Riley’s – Dallas Chamber of Kings is a metal band with progressive influence. Little Green Men does a mix of metal grooves, melodic vocals and angry guitars…basically; this show is going to rock your face off. Show starts at 9 p.m.

Sat 7/10

“Dancing in the Streets” – Martha and the Vandellas - Written by Stevenson and Marvin Gaye, the song highlighted the concept of having a good time in whatever city the listener lived. The idea for dancing came to Stevenson from watching people on the streets of Detroit cool off in the summer in water from opened fire hydrants. The song was recorded in two takes. While produced as an innocent dance track, the song took on a different meaning when riots in inner-city America led to many young black demonstrators citing the song as a civil rights anthem to social change. The British press aggravated Reeves when someone put a microphone in her face and asked her if she was a militant leader. The British journalist wanted to know if Reeves agreed, as many people had claimed, that “Dancing in the Street” was a call to riot. To Reeves, the query was patently absurd. “My Lord, it was a party song.”

The Cars and Stripes Forever Charity Car Wash The Lodge – Dallas America’s best-known and most-honored gentlemen’s club is holding its annual charity car wash to benefit local animal causes. 100% of the proceeds will be donated to the Metroplex Animal Coalition, a federation of more than 50 groups dedicated to ending the needless killing of cats and dogs by providing spay and neutering services to North Texans. Noon - 6 p.m.

Sun 7/11

“I Fought The Law” – The Clash – Much-covered classic originally recorded by Sonny Curtis and The Crickets (post Buddy Holly) in 1959 and famously covered by Bobby Fuller Four in 1965. Just as the song became a top ten hit, Bobby Fuller was found dead in a parked automobile near his Los Angeles home. The police considered the death an apparent suicide; however, many people still believe Fuller was murdered. The song was later covered by The Clash and then again by Green Day. The Clash version reigns supreme as it turns out that Green Day had never in fact fought the law, having only brushed against it. 

“Born To Run” – Bruce Springsteen - The prior year, Springsteen had released two albums to critical acclaim but with little commercial success. The lyrics to the song are appropriately epic for his last-ditch, all-or-nothing shot at the stars, yet they remain rooted in the universal desperation of adolescence. There is a rumor that the drum track and cymbals are on separate tracks because the drum track was recorded and played backwards (the sound is consistent with backmasking and ‘tape flip’ can be heard during the middle of the first verse). Springsteen has so far offered no comment about the track’s backwardness.

MUSIC: More Summer Songs 1. Rockaway Beach

“Walking on Sunshine” – Katrina and the Waves - Estimates are that the song will have earned $1 million per year for the decade ending in 2010. According to a former employee of EMI, “Walking on Sunshine was the crown jewel in EMI’s catalog,” and it was one of EMI’s biggest earners from advertisers. The song is very popular in commercials and advertisers typically pay $150,000 to $200,000 per year to use the song. To put it in perspective, advertisers can get “Walking On The Sun” from Smashmouth for about the same price as a bag of Skittles.   “Hot Fun In The Summertime” – Sly And The Family Stone - The single was released in the wake of the band’s high-profile performance at Woodstock, which greatly expanded their fanbase. It reached #2 on the U.S. pop chart and #3 on the U.S. R&B chart. Thematically, the song is a dedication to the fun and games to be had during the summer, although it has also been analyzed as a commentary on the race riots of the late-1960s. On a lighter note, if the riff sounds familiar it’s because the members of Toto have also cited it as the inspiration for “Hold the Line.”

Taste of Dallas Fair Park Dozens of Dallas’ top restaurants will offer tastings for $1 - $3. Sunday will feature the Taste of Dallas’ best bands. Admission is $5 for adults, free for children 12 and under. Noon – 6 p.m.

Mon 7/12

“Feel Good Hit of The Summer” – Queens of the Stone Age - Conceived after a three-day Millennium party, backing vocals by the metal god himself Rob Halford, and a drug cocktail reference that would make Nikki Sixx blush, here’s my vote for all-time best summer anthem.

played live lead singer Damon Albarn stated that “This one’s called ‘Song 2’, ‘cos we haven’t got a name for it yet.” The working title ended up sticking and the number two eventually became associated with the song: it was the second track on the album, the second single from the album to be released, it reached #2 on the UK singles chart, is exactly two minutes long, and Woo-Hoo are the only two words you remember.

S.I.N. National Sports Lounge – Dallas Service industry night featuring $2 Crown and down, food specials and DJ Tekneek.

Tuesday 7/13

So the other day I am pulling together some songs for what I like to call my ultimate summertime playlist. I find myself thinking of songs that remind me of my favorite summertime activities, which include, but are not limited to; drinking beer by the pool, drinking beer while grilling by the pool, and drinking beer from a keg by the pool while grilling and playing lawn darts or as they are more commonly known, “Jarts.” (Yes, I am originally from the Mid-west) Now instead of giving you a clichéd list of summertime favorites put together for your next pool party or cookout, I decided to dig a little deeper and find out the stories behind a few summertime staples. The results speak for themselves.

Coed Tuesdays The Hotel Capri – Dallas $2 wells and $2 shots. Parties of 8 or more receive a complimentary table and bottle of champagne.

If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com


RANGERS:News

by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com

All-Star Rangers Still In First

Last week, the first place Texas Rangers didn’t squad. Michael Young is one of five players in exactly have the week they were looking the Final Vote contest. This is the last spot on for. After winning a franchise record eight the roster determined by a fan vote this week. consecutive series, they Last week, the lost both series they Rangers added veteran played. They only won catcher Bengie Molina two games and lost four. in a trade with the The good news is they Giants. He becomes the still lead the Los Angeles starter and was added Angels by 3.5 games for his defense and his after Sunday night. ability to call a game. The All-Star rosters He was traded for Andrus is going to the All-Star Game were named Sunday and Chris Ray and pitching it is full of Rangers. They have five players on prospect Michael Main. the team, which is the most since 2004 when Tommy Hunter continues to win and they also had five. Vladimir Guerrero was the pitch quality starts. Saturday night, he threw easy choice for designated hitter. He has not seven plus innings and gave up only one run. made the team the past two seasons and will He has won five games since being called up be returning to Angel Stadium, the place he in early June with no losses. Scott Feldman has played for the last six seasons. Josh Hamilton been nothing like last year. He was the Opening was the top vote getter for outfielders in the Day starter but has only managed five wins all American League. This is his third consecutive season. He now leads the American League in start in the game, making it every year as hits allowed. a Ranger. Elvis Andrus was elected by the This week the Rangers have two home players and this will be his first of many All- series against the Indians and Orioles. On Star appearances. Neftali Feliz is also making Saturday, they are giving away Michael Young his first appearance and is tied for the American caps; and Sunday, it’s Vladimir Guerrero AllLeague lead in saves. Ian Kinsler also made the Star shirts.

VIGILANTES:News

by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com

Photo Courtesy: Joe Lorenzini

The Barnstormers Storm Dallas Last week, the Dallas Vigilantes played at Barnstormers capitalized with a touchdown home against the Iowa Barnstormers, the to go up 23-14 with a minute remaining in the former team of NFL great Kurt Warner. They half. Mark Lewis kicked a much needed 44were looking to break yard field goal as time an eight game losing expired, his longest streak. Collin Drafts of the season. Dallas returned after missing trailed at half 23-17 the previous game with little offense and with a shoulder injury. was still in the game He hit Derek Lee for thanks to two defensive a 7-yard touchdown stops. on the opening drive Iowa took the as Dallas was off to a second half kickoff good start. Later in the all the way back and first quarter, Drafts had then got the 2-point a nice scramble when conversion. It only no one was open for a got worse from there. 1-yard touchdown to The next drive, Drafts put Dallas up 14-7. had a pass intercepted. The second Kenneth Henderson QB Collin Drafts has been running for his life this season quarter started well got Dallas on the board as Will Pettis got a big interception in the with three minutes left in the third, but still end zone. Dallas failed to capitalize on the trailed 38-24. Drafts interception with four turnover, though. Two plays later Drafts was minutes left ended any hope for the home dropped in the end zone for a safety. The crowd. When asked after the game about Dallas defense stepped up again as Justin problems with the offensive line, Drafts said, Warren got a big sack to make it fourth “I didn’t throw to the open guy, I threw to down. The pass to the one yard line was the other team. I am not going to blame it incomplete. Dallas failed to get a first down on them.” Dallas will be home this Friday to and gave Iowa the ball back on the 11. The face a tough Tampa Bay Storm team.

AIRHOGS:News AirHogs On a Roll

by: Frank LaCosta “Baseball Fanatic”

This past week has been a busy one for the seventh when the ‘Hogs took their turn at the Grand Prairie AirHogs as they started off the plate. The “Hogs put up five runs to win the month hosting their metroplex rivals the Ft. game 6-5. Game 2 of the double header was a Worth Cats. They took much closer affair. The game 1 of the series Grand Prairie pitching last Thursday 2-1. staff shutout the Cats Starting pitcher Luke while Greg Porter (1B) Prihoda allowed five and Robert Perry (OF) hits and one long ball each drove in a run. over seven innings. This resulted in a 2-0 Greg Porter (1B) and AirHogs victory and a Chris Brown (2B) home sweep of the Ft. each drove in a run Worth Cats. during the contest. Independence Day Reliever Geivy Garcia wasn’t good to the came in and pitched AirHogs as they played two scoreless innings against the Cats at to tally his sixth save LaGrave Field. The of the season. Cats defended their Porter continues to be productive for the ‘Hogs With Friday’s ballpark with an 11-8 game rained out, the ‘Hogs and Cats played victory. The Cats jumped out to an 11-0 lead a doubleheader on Saturday. Game 1 was after three innings as starting pitcher Jason a battle of wills as the Cats jumped out to Fernandez earned his second win of the an early 2-0 lead after the first inning. The season. AirHogs got one back in the second. The The ‘Hogs take to the road this week Cats scored three more runs over the next two as they visit the Sioux Falls Pheasants for a innings to take a commanding 5-1 lead. The three game series and finish up against the score remained in tact until the bottom of the Wichita Wingnuts in a four game set.

Photo Courtesy: Gloria Brumagen

Photo Courtesy: Matt Pearce

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6 July 7 - 13, 2010


July 7 - 13, 2010 7

Photo Courtesy: Nate “Igor” Smith

Why is it that competitive eaters are so thin? If I ate as many hot dogs as those guys did in the Nathan’s Fourth of July hot dog eating contest…even in a week…I would probably gain 20 pounds. I feel bloated after two hot dogs. Joey “Jaws” Chestnut nabbed a fourth consecutive championship last Sunday at the annual contest. He wasn’t the only star of the show, though. Suddenly, his biggest rival -- six-time champion Takeru Kobayashi, who did not compete, crashed the stage after Chestnut’s win and tangoed with police. “Let him eat! Let him eat!” the crowd chanted as police handcuffed “The Tsunami.” 32-year-old Kobayashi did not eat this year because he refused to sign a contract with Major League Eating. On his blog, he said he wanted to be free to compete in contests sanctioned by other groups. Still, he told Japan’s Kyodo News, “I really want to compete in the event.” Anyway, back to the part that pisses me off - how these dudes can eat whatever they want and still somehow maintain a decent figure. Chestnut downed 54 hot dogs in 10 minutes to win the annual Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest.

Photo Courtesy: Zoran Bajic Images

Cedric Benson is in trouble with the law again. On June 29th, he was arrested in Austin for a misdemeanor assault for punching a bar employee in the face. He posted $5,000 bail and was released the same day. On May 30th, he was at a bar in the popular Sixth Street area. He was involved in an altercation with another patron, resulting in Benson getting a busted lip. Witnesses told police that after bar staff stepped in, Benson pushed one of the employees and was verbally abusive. Benson was escorted out and then punched the employee in the face. Benson maintains that he thought the employee who approached him was a friend of the guy who had punched him inside, so he was defending himself when he punched him. Detectives had asked Benson to come in and give them his side of the story a week prior to his arrest but he didn’t show up.

by: Jennifer Wayne “Foxie and Fired Up”

The runner-up was Tim “Eater X” Janus, with a total of 45. Patrick “Deep Dish” Bertoletti came in third with 37 dogs. And the nerve of that skinny b!tch that won (that’s what us ladies call girls who are unnaturally thin that we hate)…Chestnut was disappointed with his performance, despite winning a super sparkly mustard-yellow belt, which is totally in style for this season, plus a $20,000 purse (not like a Prada or anything…it’s cash…but still enough to buy a few Pradas). The 26-yearold from San Jose was aiming for a record 70 dogs in 10 minutes to beat his own record of 68 last year. Well, all I can say is that I guess there is a reason I didn’t see any females on the stage. You men are lucky you don’t store fat the way we do. I love hot dogs and I think I could take one of these contests, but I am not willing to risk my good looks for it. I guess I have to admire these competitive eaters because apparently money is more important than beauty for them and I haven’t gotten that greedy yet. But I still do hope their metabolisms catch up with them and they get fat!

Bad News Benson Benson has a history of arrests that began when he was still playing at the University of Texas. While a Longhorn, he was arrested twice, once for possession of marijuana and another time for criminal trespass. The summer before his 2008 season with the Chicago Bears, he was arrested near Austin for allegedly operating a boat while intoxicated and resisting arrest. The police said he failed a field sobriety test and then became belligerent with them. He had to be pepper spayed when he resisted arrest. Benson denied the report and claims he was abused by the police. A month later, he was arrested again in Austin for driving while intoxicated after running a red light. He failed the field sobriety test and refused a breath and blood test. A week later he was released by the

blitzweekly.com

Competitive Eating Jealousy

by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com

Bears. He signed with the Bengals in 2008 after they lost several running backs to injury. He became the starter in week seven and had a solid year. His success led to him signing a two year deal for $7 million prior to last season. Last season he finished with 1,251 yards rushing which was his first over 1,000. He set a Bengals record with six games over a 100 yards rushing. The latest arrests come at a bad time for Benson as he had recently begun talks with the Bengals on a three-year extension for at least $16 million. He could also face a suspension from the league. My advice for him is to stay out of Austin.

FIFA World Cup: Germany vs Spain Wed. July 7 – 1:30PM – Durban Stadium – ABC The crafty Germans brought an onslaught to Argentina last Saturday that hasn’t been seen in years winning 4-0. Spain barely won 1-0 over Paraguay. David Villa of Spain cemented his title as the nation’s top player. Spain goes into the game as the favorite. Germany once again plays the underdog. Vuvuzelas will be blaring!

MLB: Baltimore Orioles vs Texas Rangers Fri. July 9 – 7:05PM – Ballpark in Arlington – TXA-21 The lowly Orioles come to town to take on the Rangers. SP Brian Matusz won in his last start against the Red Sox. Ty Wigginton is their main producer and that’s scary. He has 14 HRs and 43 RBIs at this point in the season. On the mound for the Rangers is Opening Day starter Scooter Feldman. Be prepared for lots of runs in this game.

MLB: Chicago Cubs vs LA Dodgers Sun. July 11 – 7:05PM – Dodger Stadium – ESPN The “Loveable Losers” take on the Dodgers for the big Sunday night game. It’ll be interesting to see how the Cubs handle the road trip and being on national tv. They send Carlos Silva to face former Texas Ranger Vicente Padilla. Padilla is known for being a bit of a headhunter so a fight could breakout at any moment. Manny is out but the game should still be entertaining.

Arena Football League: Tampa Bay Storm vs Dallas Vigilantes Fri. July 9 – 7:30PM – AAC – NFL Network This is your last chance to see the Vigilantes on TV this season. The fast paced football game should give you a taste of what you’ve been missing. The Storm come in with a 9-3 record. They boast a seven game winning streak. Led by QB Brett Dietz and an explosive aerial attack. Can the Vigilantes hold them at bay and pullout the victory?


Photo Courtesy: Steven Hendrix

blitzweekly.com

8 July 7 - 13, 2010


LeBron James

Right as the clock struck midnight last Thursday morning, officially starting this summer’s NBA free agency bonanza, LeBron James rolled out of bed to find a mysterious package delivered to his door. The box was part of a weeklong marketing initiative from Chicago-based Leo Burnett Worldwide ad agency.

From the Chicago Tribune’s Steve Johnson:

A King’s RANSOM How NBA Teams Are Trying To Win The Biggest Stars by: Geoff Case “NBA Analyst”

“LeBron, the fans of Chicago have a question for you,” reads the two-page ad that ran in Thursday’s Akron Beacon Journal, James’ hometown paper. “Can you cast a shadow this big?” The image is of an outline that looks a lot like Michael Jordan’s, in the iconic, ball-in-one-hand pose, spread out over the Chicago cityscape. Dreamed up by sports-loving ad guys at the city’s Leo Burnett agency and paid for by Burnett, it was the culmination of a four-day campaign featuring a fresh challenge each day. So Monday, they sent to his house the classic red, white and black Air Jordans and asked if he could fill those shoes. Tuesday, it was a case featuring seven empty ring boxes, representing one more championship than Jordan won here, and the question, “Can you fill these boxes?”

Wednesday was a mock-up of a Chicago Tribune 10 years hence - still going strong, by the way - and the headline “Sweet Throne, Chicago: With Title No. 7, It’s Officially King James’ Court.” While I’m not sure highlighting Jordan’s legacy in Chicago is the smartest move in recruiting LeBron (Who hasn’t even won a championship yet), it’s certainly bold. The Cleveland Cavaliers used their personal relationship as an edge in their meeting trying to pull at James’ emotional heart strings for all of Ohio as well as poking fun at his other suitors. The Family Guy styled animated video the Cavaliers showed LeBron James, ripped everything from Pat Riley’s hair to James Dolan’s reputation as a heavyhanded owner was parodied. The cartoon’s theme centered around James walking through his own life, running into billionaire Warren Buffett who tells James that he made his fortune in Omaha, not in a city like New York or Los Angeles. The ringing endorsement from the Buffett character tells James: “You don’t choose home, home chooses you.” The story concludes with a 75year-old James telling the young James of present day: “You’ve always made the right choices and this time will be no different.” The cost to make the video was a mere $300,000.

Chris Bosh The Houston Rockets have been trying to woo Dallas native Chris Bosh based on their fans’ suggestions. The team is planning to send three truckloads of Rockets’ fans to their free-agent meetings. They also had a translator tweet “Hey Chris, hopefully you’ll play with us (Rockets) next season. I’ll be healthy and I’d really look forward to playing together” from Yao Ming’s twitter account. How not to do it: Dwyane Wade Early Monday morning, the Heat issued consecutive posts that Wade was scheduled to arrive at 8 a.m. at Miami International Airport, rallying fans to greet him (similar to what LeBron James is experiencing in Cleveland where fans are lining the streets as he drives down the street to meet other teams). The turnout was modest since word of Wade’s return was not put out by the team until about 1 a.m. Monday. Just an hour before Wade’s arrival, the Heat attempted to rally fans with a post that read, “Wake up! Its time 2 ….. show him that WeWantWade. He arrives at 8. Lets go!” The problem was that the Heat had given out the wrong address so Wade got in a car at another terminal and left without ever knowing anyone was there.

Top 10 Free Agency Grade A Busts There’s nothing worse for an organization then when it sinks a ton of money into a player that was supposed to turn around a franchise and instead he turns out to be a Grade A bust. Here is a list of the 10 worst free agent signings of the past. Whether it was because of performance, injury or the player’s attitude (or a combination of the lot), these signings just didn’t pan out. 10) Albert Belle, Orioles, 1998 Before there was “Fat” Albert Pujols, there was “Fat” Albert Belle. He terrorized opposing pitchers with his batting average, RBIs and HRs. He led the Indians to the World Series and performed well for the White Sox. Taking his resume to the Orioles, Belle parlayed a deal for $65 million for five-years in 1998. His first two seasons resulted in over 100 RBIs each year. Then his degenerating arthritic hip forced him to the sidelines at the end of the 2000 season, and he never played again. 9) Ben Wallace, Bulls, 2006 Fresh off of his championship years with the Detroit Pistons, “Big Ben” cashed in his chips with a four-year, $60 million contract. With the Pistons, Wallace averaged mid-teen rebounds

and 9.5 points per game. During his two year run with the Bulls, “Big Ben” put up 5.7 points per game and less than 10 rebound per game. He was soon traded to the Cavaliers where even King James couldn’t help him. 8) David Boston, Chargers, 2003 San Diego was looking for an offensive force to take the team to the next level. Unfortunately, they received on offensive force that lowered the team’s moral. After signing Boston to a seven-year, $47 million deal he rewarded the Chargers with a 70 catch season with 880 yards and seven touchdowns. He also was suspended for one game for a clash with strength coach Dave Redding and had several disputes with head coach Marty Schottenheimer. The result: a trade to Miami after one season. 7) Edgerrin James, Cardinals, 2006 “The Edge” was coming off two consecutive Pro Bowl seasons with the Colts. The Cardinals rewarded him with a four-year, $30 million contract and committed $11.5 million in bonuses. James had clearly lost his edge when he failed to average four yards per carry while there. He then lost his starting job to Tim Hightower and has

since disappeared. 6) Elton Brand, Sixers, 2008 Elton Brand was the number one pick of the Bulls in 1999. He was poised as the potential successor of Michael Jordan. He shared Rookie of the Year honors. After being traded to the Clippers, he reached the All-Star game and commanded big dollars with the Clippers. After opting out of his final year of his contract in 2008, Brand signed with the Sixers. Philly signed him to a five-year, $80 million deal. He hasn’t produced much since then. 5) Carl Pavano, Yankees, 2004 “Hot Carl” was a mediocre pitcher with the Marlins, but in the 2003 World Series he was able to hold the Yankees to one run over eight innings. Seeing him in action the Yankees pursued Pavano with a four-year contract worth $39.95 million. “American Idle” ended up just starting 26 games with a 9-8 record. That means “Hot Carl” earned $4.44 million for each win. Yes the Yankees are the best team that money can buy. 4) Vince Coleman, Mets, 1990 Deciding to forego an NFL career Coleman signed on with the St. Louis Cardinals in 1982. In his debut sea-

son, he stole 110 bases and is the only player in MLB history to swipe 100 bases in each of his first three seasons. In 1990 Coleman inked a fouryear deal for $11.95 million with the Mets. He endeared himself to his new teammates by injuring starting pitcher Dwight “Doc” Gooden when Coleman hit him with a golf club. Baseball fans turned sour in 1993 when Coleman tossed a lit firecracker into a group of autograph seekers in the Dodger Stadium parking lot in July 1993. The Mets suspended Coleman for the rest of the season. Soon after he was traded to the Royals for a washed –up Kevin McReynolds. 3) Gilbert Arenas, Wizards, 2009 “Agent Zero” was an up and coming star with solid numbers in Washington. He ended up missing most of the playoffs in 2007. Somehow, Arenas was able to command a six-year $111 million deal. Better yet, he convinced management to resign Antawn Jamison for four years for $50 million. The result for the big contract allowed “Agent Zero” to play in just two that’s right two games in 2009. Even better, he got himself suspended for having a gun in the locker room. He’s a role model and then some…

by: Frank LaCosta

2) Deion Sanders, Redskins, 2000 The Cowboys cut Sanders in a salary cap dump and Redskins owner Daniel Snyder scooped up “Prime Time.” Snyder offered Sanders a seven-year, $56 million deal with $8 million as a signing bonus. “Neon Deion” intercepted four passes that season but was largely ineffective as a punt returner and couldn’t follow in the footsteps of Darrell Green. He upset loyal Redskins fans with his attitude and performance. Sanders essentially demanded to be released following just one season. Jerry Jones wins again! 1) Chan Ho Park, Rangers, 2002 The Texas Rangers are always looking for quality starting pitchers for the friendly confines at The Ballpark in Arlington. Chan Ho Park had pitched well for the Dodgers the previous two seasons putting up 18 wins and 15 wins respectively. Agent Scott Boras took owner Tom Hicks to the bank in negotiating a deal for five-years for $65 million. Park rewarded the Rangers with an ERA over 5.66 each year and spent considerable time on the DL. The Rangers shipped him off to San Diego in 2005.

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Photo Courtesy: Manny Flores

July 7 - 13, 2010 9


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10 July 7 - 13, 2010

by: Jennifer Wayne

Danny Way

Skateboarder In July 2005, Way, one of the top vert skateboarders around, decided to ollie over the Great Wall of China (a mountain biker who attempted the same thing previously died trying). Way nailed the jump to become the first ever to make the leap without a motorized vehicle, and then landed it three more times. He holds the records for distance (79 feet) and unaided height (23.5 feet) while skateboarding.

Travis Pastrana Motocross Rider, Rally Racer Pastrana won triple gold at the 2006 X Games for MotoX Best Trick, Freestyle and Rally Car. The highlight of the games was his double back flip, the first ever in competition.

Mat Hoffman

Freestyle BMX Rider The 10-time World Vert Champion has coined 100+ new tricks that modern-day riders use and created the Bicycle Stunt Series for riders to compete and showcase their stunts.

Tanner Hall

Skier Hall is the most influential extreme skier, commonly known as freeskiing. He has the most Winter X-Games Skiing medals with nine. Hall remains the only athlete to have a three peat at the Winter X-Games.

Bob Burnquist

Skateboarder Burnquist is one of the better vert skateboarders of his generation and what’s unique about him is his ability to skate equally well regular-style or goofy-foot. Burnquist is the only skater to go over a loop ramp with a gap in it and he’s the only skateboarder/psycho to do a 50-50 grind on a rail hanging 1,500 feet over the Grand Canyon.

Kelly Slater

Surfer Kelly Slater is the most successful man in his sport. He is a 9-time World Surfing Champion and both the youngest to win it (at 20 years old) and the oldest (at the age of 36).

Shaun White

Snowboarder Known as “The Flying Tomato” with his big mop of red hair, the reigning Men’s Halfpipe Olympic Gold Medalist has become the face of the sport. White has also dominated the pavement, medaling several times in the Summer X Games in skateboarding. He is the first and only athlete to win both the Summer and Winter Dew Cup.

Tony Hawk

Skateboarder Although he is now retired from competition, Hawk is regarded to be the best skateboarder in history. Of the 103 competitions he entered, he won 73 of them and placed second 19 times, making him the winningest skater ever. At the 1999 X Games, Hawk completed the first-ever 900 (two-and-a-half mid-air spins), even though it took him 10 tries.

Sarah Burke

Skier Sarah Burke was the first woman to stomp down 720s, 900s and 1080s in the half-pipe. Burke is a very important figure to the Winter X-Games, too. She lobbied to include female freeski events in the winter contest series. Burke is a three-time gold medalist in the Winter X-Games and won 2007’s Best Female Action Sports Athlete at the ESPY awards, the first skier to be so honored.

Shaun Palmer

Mountain Biker, Snowboarder, Skier and Motocrosser Until Shaun White’s double-gold in 2006, Palmer held the record for most gold medals in Winter X-Games history. Palmer has earned his nine gold medals in four different winter sports. He’s also the oldest snowboard competitor in Winter X-Games history at age 40.

Photo Courtesy: Brwetter, Neroyak, Fernando Mafra, Sachi Gahan, Gina Hughes and Matt Rogers

While th treme so the most is basica do you re yons hav ing” thro walking, ing, abse yoning i and rugg navigatio wilderne have to b

1912: French ta decided he was ilor F go parachute” inve ing to ntion by the first deck of the Eiff died.

1913: Russian stud ovski jumped fr ent V om the 53 bridge over Fr ance’s Sein ing the parach ute year before that RK-1, by Gleb Ossovski wante d to jump f ffel Tower too, bu didn’t allow it. t the may Wonder why

1975: Owen J. Q parachuted from uinn, a job th World Trade C e south to enter to pub plight of the un employed. 1990: Brit Rus sell #230 illegally ju Powell an mped from t pering Gallery inside St. Paul dral in London.

BASE jumping is chute and jumps where a person packs a paranot talking abou from fixed objects. And I am t the roof of th apartment com eir three-story plex. “BASE” is an acronym fo the four catego r ries 2008: Hervé L jump from: Bui of fixed objects a person can e G ldings, Antenna kn own man, dres allou and e, Spans (aka, bridge), and Ear a th (usu legally infiltrat sed as engin ed Burj Khali The acronym w ally cliffs). tallest man-m as made up by Carl Boenish an ad e structure fil m -maker d his wife Jean world (around . In 1978, Carl filmed the first 65 0m at the tim BA jumped off a ba Yosemite Natio SE jumps from El Capitan in lc on y a few feet na the 160th floor. awarded to thos l Park. “BASE numbers” are e jump from each who have made at least one of the four cate 2009: Venezue ings, antennas lan A , spans and ea gories (build28 ), New Zealand na Isabel Da rth). When Ph Smith and Phil il Mayfield (frien 29) and Norweg er Livia Dickie ds of Carl and Jean) jumped ia together from 32 and no relatio n Anniken Binz a Houston skyscraper in Janu n ary 1981, they jumped from A to Skywalker) became the first to attain the ex ng clus waterfall in th el Falls, the hi #1 and #2), havi ive BASE numbers (BASE e world with a h ng already jum 3,212 ft. ped from an an tenna, spans, an d earthen object s. Je qualified for BA SE numbers 3 an an and Carl 2010: Nasr Al A separate awar d 4 soon after. Niy d was enacted H egelan broke th adi and Oma for BASE jumping in the dark e of highest buildin world record for pleted each cate night when Mayfield comg BASE jump by le gory at night, be ing from a cran BASE #1. coming Night e attached to Bur suspended platfo jK Take that Gallo halifa’s 160th flo u and unknown man


July 7 - 13, 2010 11

his might not be the most exounding sport, it is definitely t tiring sounding. Canyoning ally traveling in canyons. But emember City Slickers? Canve a lot of elements. “Travelough a canyon usually entails , scrambling, climbing, jumpeiling and/or swimming. Canis frequently done in remote ged settings and often requires onal, route-finding and other ess travel skills, too. So you be smart and physically fit!

Franz Reichel t o test his “coat jumping from fel Tower. He

Sandboard in the boarde g is similar to snowb r is cruisin oarding, bu g snow-cove t red mounta sand dunes rather tha n ins. Develo zil, it invo lv p while stan es riding across or d ed in Brading with own a dun both feet st e board, how ra e ness,” som ver, to heighten the pped to a e peop “extreme It’s less p le do not strap in. opular tha partly beca n snowb u “ski lift” o se it is very difficult oarding, n a sand du to build a ne of us are la zy. Particip . Let’s face it, most to the top o ants must w f a dune bug the dune after every ru alk back gy or 4 wh n or ride e top. It’s a lot of phy el drive back to the sical activit start…well y to ev …extr Here’s wh eme physical activity en o . you a Tenge, pro fessional sa re up against: Josh ndboarding on, holds th c e cords entry Guinness Book of W hampio rld Refo r the lon flip at 44’ 10”. Tenge gest-distance back world sand is also a fo b u three world oarding champion an r-time d holds records.

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to the other, it’s called a Handle Pass. It’s usually only used to refer to when the rider passes the handle behind their back.

Air Trick: A trick performed using line tension for lift instead of the wake.

Invert: When the rider goes upside down while in the air.

Backside Spin: A spin where the rider rotates with the back of their body towards the boat first. For a left-foot forward rider, this would be clockwise. Ballast: Extra weight added to the boat to make the wake bigger. Ballast can be people, “fat sacks,” lead or anything else that’s heavy. Butter: A term for smooth water. Cable: Cable wakeboarding is riding at a cable park instead of behind a boat. A cable park is a place where there are a series of mechanical cables connected by towers that pull the rider around the water. Case: To “case” the wake means to land right on top of the wake in an abrupt fashion. Digger: A bad wreck.

obless man, ower of the blicize the

nd BASE the Whisl’s Cathe-

Here’s a glossary of wakeboarding lingo to make you look in the know even if you can’t get it up…the board that is…

technique of Bouldering is more focused on the al moves or vidu rock climbing. Its focus is on indi al climbition trad ke unli short sequences of moves, longer over e ranc endu t abou is t ing where the spor ly remon stretches of rock. Boulder routes are com the of re natu the ferred to as “problems” because es etim Som ing. solv lem climb is often like prob ain cert ning mea es,” inat “elim these problems are artificial restrictions are imposed. Equipment: To reduce the risk of injury from a • Loose chalk to dry sweating, slippery hands fall, climbers rarely go higher than 3–5 while climbing g meters above the ground. Anythin • A crash pad over 7 meters is generally considered • Climbing shoes made for better traction proto be “free-soloing.” For further • Brushes of differing sizes, typically with tection, climbers typically put a “crash nylon bristles or coarse animal hair, to clean pad” on the ground to break their fall. holds Climbers often have one or more spot • Sports tape is useful for covering cuts or s ber’ ters, who work to direct the clim blisters, as well as providing support for a body toward the crash pad during joints that may have been strained fall. Bouldering is increasing in pop bouldering areas are common ity; ular bing gyms in indoor climbing gyms and some clim of people lot A ing. lder bou to ly are dedicated sole lot of exa enjoy the sport because it doesn’t take pensive equipment to pull it off.

Double-Up: When the boat circles around and crosses back over its own wakes at about a 90-degree angle, the wakes converge causing the resulting wake to be twice the size. This is the “Double-Up.” If the rider times it right, they can edge in and hit the Double-Up, which will give them more air than normal. Eye-Opener: You face-plant so fast, you can’t manage to close your eyes before hitting the water. Fat Sack: A “Fat Sack” is filled with water and placed in the boat to make the wake bigger, also known as ballast. Frontside Spin: A spin where the rider rotates with the front of their body towards the boat first. Goofy Foot: Boarders who ride with their right foot forward. Handle Pass: When the rope handle is passed from one hand

Jib: To hit a rail, slider, dock, etc. Basically riding/sliding something that isn’t water. Kicker: A ramp hit by a wakeboarder to catch air. Lipslide: A slide on an obstacle or wake where the tail of the board travels over the obstacle first. So if you approach a slider with your chest facing it and ollie up and put the tail of the board over the obstacle, you’re doing a Frontside Lipslide. Monkey Spin: Another name for an “off-axis spin.” When a rider spins and the rider leaves their vertical axis and the board rises up to shoulder level or higher while spinning. Nose: The tip of the board, the closest end to the boat. Off-Axis Spin: When a rider does a spin but goes off the vertical axis so the board usually gets up to shoulder level or above. Pop: This is when you release from the wake, you generate pop. Pop is also similar to the term “Air”. Roll: An invert where the board travels in an edge over edge rotation. However, some tricks that follow that rotation aren’t called Rolls, and a Back Roll has a tip over tail rotation, so it’s very confusing. Stack: A bad wreck. Stomp: When a rider lands a trick in a clean manner, they have “stomped” the trick. Trip Flip: A type of invert in which you approach the wake and at the base, you allow the wake to trip you into the inverted motion. Washy Wake: A wake that isn’t very clean. This means that it’s sort of bumpy and there may be white turbulent water on the top of the wake. Photo Courtesy: www.alpackarft.com

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Wakeboarding A-Z


www.dennishambright.com

I’m one of those guys that likes to push the edge a little…go for it…grab life by the “shorties” and yank it until it screams. So when that movie The Bucket List came out a few years ago, I thought what a great idea…men everywhere should make a list of all those little things in life that they always wanted to do and then set out to check them off, one by one, while they still have a chance to do them. Every man should be able to set out a little personal time in life to build up his “rocking chair stories,” so when he’s too old and too gray, he’ll have plenty of cool stuff to tell his grandkids about, instead of just how many apps he had on his iPhone or how many bad guys he zapped in his online videogame crusades. But then I started thinking. It’s easy to make a list of all those things we want to do that makes life exciting and fulfilling, but just as importantly, we should probably make an “Anti-Bucket List” too, a list of those things that we should avoid at all costs. It is one thing to be sitting on the front porch in our twilight years and have the kiddos say, “Wow, Grandpa, I can’t believe you did all that cool stuff!” It’s another to have them say, “Wow, Grandpa, you really were a dumb ass, weren’t you.” So here are a few things I’d suggest for any man’s “Anti-Bucket List”:

Photo Courtesy: Frank Vincentz, BrokenSphere, Pavel Ševela

Dating Really Ugly Women: Never try to prove you’re not shallow, by dating a really ugly woman, unless you plan on staying with her or dating other ugly women after her. Otherwise you’ll end up looking even more shallow. Besides, no matter how hard you try, one of your buddies will surely get pictures or video of you and “Bigfoot,” and it will haunt you like bad credit for the rest of your life. Spilling the Beans: Never, ever, wake up one morning and decide you’re going to say to your spouse, “Honey, I want to come clean and tell you every bad thing I’ve ever done.” There’s absolutely no way that can ever be a good thing. You might as well give her a silver-plated ball peen hammer and say, “Here, whack me on the forehead every morning for the rest of my life.” I promise getting hit in the head with the hammer will be much more pleasant. Even if you think you’re on your death bed, don’t decide to tell members of your family what you really think of them. You might not die. Then you’ll never enjoy another family holiday again, unless you really do like socks for Christmas and chicken necks for Thanksgiving dinner. Remember, skeletons were made to be buried, and buried deep. Prove How Tough You Are: If you didn’t spend your younger years riding with an outlaw motorcycle gang or getting cauliflower ears perfecting your skills as an MMA fighter, then don’t grow a bulging set of “beer muscles” some Saturday night and decide you want to pick a bar fight just to prove how tough you are. You’ll lose…and you’ll lose big. More importantly, you’ll get your ass kicked in excruciating ways you never even dreamed about. Then some Stephen Spielberg wannabe will use his cell phone to record every humiliating detail of the event and upload it to YouTube to immortalize your stupidity…and it will probably be posted right along with those shots of you and that ugly woman you dated.

Possum Living or the Art of Living with

F

by: Jesse Whitman “A Woman’s Perspective”

No Income

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THE ANTIBUCKET LIST

by: Dennis Hambright

July 7 - 13, 2010 13

or those of you suffering in this vironment, which is something you can feel dismal economy, with tears drip- good about during our era of environmental ping down into your 46th dinner of hazards and pollution. Still, one thing that Ramen noodles, being poor can be people might find hard to adjust to is all of torturous, especially in America. But what if that relaxing. Because of the Protestant work being poor can not only be fun, but greatly ethic that’s been ingrained in us since the improve your over-all well being and stan- first days of the colonies, many people feel dard of living? You may shudder in panic at guilty for being lazy, but that could be just the thought of giving up your cable and flat the thing to make us happier and healthier. screen TV or even worse, your newly leased Taking naps, reading, gardening, that sounds BMW, but Dolly Freed, author of “Possum like a lovely retirement, but Freed argues, Living,” makes a good argument for giving why wait till you’re old and falling apart up all of your luxuries for relaxation and from 20 or 30 years of back-bending work? peace of mind. The author has been surviv- Why not enjoy your life when you’re young? ing for a decade only working a few days a That sounds pretty luxurious to me. week. She may not have the common ameni- But what about traveling and vacations? ties that we might die without, but she says For those of you that can’t give that up, you the luxury of not having to might work is a much better trade “You may shudder in panic at the h a v e off. to be a thought of giving up your cable part-time For one thing, her happiness and prosperity doesn’t and flat screen TV or even worse, possum. depend of the fluctuation of The auyour newly leased BMW, but the stock market. She has no thor, on attachment to the industrial- Dolly Freed, author of “Possum Liv- the other ized economy, which can ing,” makes a good argument for h a n d , definitely be a good thing, doesn’t giving up all of your luxuries for need a especially when it crashes, a dreaded inevitability. relaxation and peace of mind.” vacation And you don’t have to because be a dirty hippie living in the she alwoods for what Freed calls “Possum Living.” ways feels she’s on one. But wintertime can In fact, many would be surprised that she be rough on possums, especially without lives in a two story house in an upper-middle central heating, and Freed does admit that class suburb in Pennsylvania. Not having a it’s the hardest part of her lifestyle. Still, it’s job to go to everyday must be so boring, but better than showing up at a job everyday just for her, she fills her days with tending to her to cover the mortgage and groceries. garden and taking care of her rabbits or fish- Possum Living might not be for eving, which provide her main source of food. eryone, but Dolly Freed is a very happy, And because she has no emotional attach- relaxed, and healthy person, which she says ment to money, she can completely live in is a direct result of her lifestyle. Maybe a the moment without carrying around all the greater kind of happiness can be found not worries of modern life. Her biggest worry is from material possessions but from simple what to make for dinner. experiences? And if you get married, a pre Another benefit of living off the grid is nup will be so easy: if you get divorced they that she has less negative impact on the en- get half of your nothing.


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14 July 7 - 13, 2010

by: Jennifer Wayne

“Foxie & Hungry”

Poor Richard’s Cafe 2442 K Avenue • Plano - 75074 (972) 423-1524 • www.poorrichardscafe.com

The Story:

The location Poor Richard’s Cafe occupies started out as Park Mall Coffee Shop back in 1973. In the ‘80s, shortly after Richard bought it, he decided to change the name to something meaningful rather than being named after a shopping center. Richard had been a high school English teacher for 15 years before getting into the restaurant business. One of his favorite things to teach was Ben Franklin and Franklin’s Poor Richard’s Almanac, so the name Poor Richard’s Cafe evolved. The Café has always been just breakfast and lunch, Texas-style. They are open from 5:30 a.m. until 2 p.m., seven days a week. If you eat there enough, you are bound to make some friends. Many of Poor Richard’s employees have been working there for over 15 years. A “regular” is someone who frequents the restaurant 3 to 5 days a week or almost every weekend. They are 80 to 85% of Poor Richard’s business. Over the past three decades, the menu has doubled from 60 items to 120, so frequent diners never get bored.

The Setting:

You may be turned off when you drive up because the line to be seated is almost always out the door or close to it, but the line actually goes very quickly and you may be outside to eating within 20 minutes. And it’s worth the wait! The decor is simple. There are lived in booths and wooden chairs and tables and what looks like 100 servers. That’s probably why the service is second to none and you are in and out within the hour. You’ll probably want to linger, though, after being stuffed full of homestyle cooking and sweet tea.

The Breakfast:

They have what you would expect from a Texas-style breakfast joint: Chicken Fried Chicken or Steak (hanging over the edge of the plate and completely covered in thick gravy)

with Eggs, Migas, Grits, Home Fries, Pancakes and Biscuits and Gravy. My favorite thing, though, is the Eggs Benedict Sampler. You get one Benedict with sausage, one with ham and one with bacon. They have all sorts of samplers if you are indecisive like me and this is one of those places where you want to try everything.

The Lunch:

They have lunch specials every day and none of them will set you back more than $8…and you’ll probably leave with a to-go box. Here’s what you can expect throughout the week: Monday: PR’s Famous Fried Chicken Tuesday: Chicken & Dumplings Wednesday: Meatloaf Thursday: Turkey & Dressing Friday: Roast Beef Saturday: Smothered Steak Sunday: Grilled Pork Chops Your choices of sides usually include butter beans, baked beans, fried okra and candied yams. Don’t forget the freshly baked wheat rolls and jalapeno cornbread!

Giving Back:

Sure, you might feel guilty about all of the delicious calories, but you can justify it with a walk around the shopping center and the thought that Richard and the staff constantly reach out to their community. At Thanksgiving along with Plano Sunrise Rotary, Plano Police and its customers, Poor Richard’s serves Thanksgiving meals to needy families and Seniors. In 2009, the event fed over 2350 people. Plus, each year since the late ‘80s the restaurant has helped the Plano Christmas Cops with matching donations from its customers. They have blood drives and they sponsor Flu Shots for customers and employees in October.


July 7 - 13, 2010 15 blitzweekly.com

Polaroid SX-70 OneStep Land Camera

If you’re a big fan of vintage photography, you’re not going to get much more retro than the Polaroid SX-70 OneStep Land Camera. Developed in collaboration with The Impossible Project and limited to just 50 units, these hand-refurbished Land Cams feature a white and black body with a seventies-licious rainbow running from the lens to the output slot, a simple black strap, and come with two boxes of B&W/sepia PX 100 film. The perfect real-world compliment to all those grainy, processed iPhone pics you’ve been snapping. Price - $210

Motorola Droid X

Not content to let Apple steal the summertime smartphone spotlight, the Motorola Droid X is here to regain some of the attention for the big V. Packing a ginormous 4.3-inch 854 x 480 screen, a 1GHz processor, 8GB of onboard storage, an eight megapixel camera with dual LED flash and 720p video capture, HDMI out, micro SD storage expandability, Wi-Fi with wireless hotspot functionality, and DLNA media streaming support. The biggest letdown? It ships with Android 2.1, so don’t be expecting any Froyo goodness until much later in the summer. Price - $200 after rebate w/contract

Terrafugia Transition

We were always amazed by Scaramanga’s flying AMC Matador in The Man with the Golden Gun, and now you can own your very own flying car. Or is that driving plane? Actually, it’s the Terrafugia Transition. This “light sport” aircraft features electrically-powered folding wings that, when paired with the rear-facing propeller, allow it to fly at 115 mph for up to 460 miles. Should inclement weather strike, or you just decide to drive, the wings fold up and the Transition becomes a street-legal car that gets 30 miles to the gallon. It’s the ultimate getaway vehicle, provided you, your sidekick/henchman, and your loot don’t weigh more than 450 lbs. Price - $195,000

Seven Grooming Sins Here’s a list of common mistakes guys make when trying to make themselves presentable. If you find that the ladies are sitting at the other end of the bar, trying not to make eye contact, you might be committing one of these Seven Grooming Sins:

Too much cologne There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. All you need is two to three sprays on your pulse points, the wrists and behind the ears.

Photo Courtesy: Pavel Sevela

Dry shaving I know exfoliating sounds like a Greek torture method to most of you guys, but it is important to keep the skin looking young and healthy. Most men neglect to exfoliate and use proper lubrication when shaving, which can result in razor burn, ingrown hairs and patchy stubble. Shave during or immediately after a shower when the beard is softest, and apply an exfoliating face wash to clear away dirt and debris to get an extra close shave. Ignoring nose and ear hair You could have a perfectly chiseled face and a six pack, but if you’ve got stray hairs growing out of the holes in your face, it’s distracting and nauseating. These hairs are important for filtering debris and ultimately keeping the body healthy, but they don’t

have to look like a hidden weeping willow in there. Use small grooming scissors to get the ones that are extending beyond the edges of the openings. Too much hair gel The only thing worse than not fixing your hair at all is piling on enough product to turn your locks into an impenetrable helmet. Gloppy gels need to be left in the ‘90s. Go for lighter pastes and putties that give shape and control, but leave a “natural look,” as well.

Dirty fingernails I know it is manly to look like you have been getting into the grease, but it’s actually quite gross to us gals because we don’t know if that is grease or dirt or toe jam under those nails. And it doesn’t take away your man card to have those nails neatly clipped, too. It is actually a sign that you

by: Jennifer Wayne “Foxie and Fired Up”

aren’t an unhealthy bum. I know a man that works in building construction, but still gets manicures and pedicures. He will kick your ass if you even start in with the metrosexual jokes. Not using moisturizer A lightweight moisturizer with SPF should be applied every day to your face and neck to replenish water content and soothe irritations. Take the extra 30 seconds to do it in the morning will save you from looking like a leather face before you hit 40. If you already passed that mark, they make plenty of moisturizers now that will work on reversing damage already done. Unkempt facial hair If you have a thing for scruff, you can keep your beard tame without looking like an America’s Most Wanted poster. Shave just up to the jaw line to create a look that is neat yet almost effortless. The neck scruff looks bad on everyone…even you.


By: Sybil Summers

sybilsummers.com

Oddest Couples of All-Time 10. Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez - He was a wholesome, trilingual actor from Beantown. She was a ghetto-fabulous, extravagant diva “from the block”. No wonder Bennifer didn’t last. 9. Angelina Jolie & Billy Bob Thornton - One is a tatted-up cheater with five kids. The other is Angelina. 8. Heidi Klum & Seal - It’s like a children’s fairytale: the scar-faced prince gets a kiss from the supermodel princess, and they live happily ever after. 7. Sandra Bullock & Jesse James - America’s Sweetheart meets America’s Most Wanted. 6. Flavor Flav & Brigitte Nielsen - Could it have been a publicity stunt? Maybe. Could it have been that they were both drunks? Perhaps. Could it be one of the weirdest duos this century? Definitely. 5. Dennis Rodman & Madonna - Both liked sex and the spotlight. Neither liked commitment. 4. Jessica Simpson & Billy Corgan - He’s cerebral and melancholy. She thinks chicken comes from the sea. ‘Nuff said. 3. Julia Roberts & Lyle Lovett - Can you imagine their kids with his nose and her mouth? 2. Benicio Del Toro & Scarlett Johansson - Their love didn’t last once she realized she was out of his league.

1. Hayden Panettiere & Wladimir Klitschko - He’s 34. She’s 20. He’s 6’6”. She’s 5’1”. He’s a boxer. She’s a vegetarian. Pretty much the only thing they have in common is their hard-to-spell names. I feel sorry for their future offspring.


HORRORSCOPES

Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22) Congrats! Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.

FUNNIES

Q: What do you call an all-blonde skydiving team? A: A new version of the Lawn Darts game.

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22)

Q: Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store? A: There’s not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning!

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Q: Why can’t a lesbian wear make-up and diet at the same time? A: She can’t eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on her face at the same time. Birthday Present for the Wife Two men are sitting in a pub talking; one mentions that it’s his wife’s birthday soon and he doesn’t know what to get her. The second man says that he bought his wife a blue Porsche and a red Porsche for her birthday because if she didn’t like the blue one, she could have the red one, and vice versa. The next week, the second man asks the other what he finally bought his wife. He replies, “a necklace and a vibrator.” “Why?” asks the second man. To which the other man replies, “Because if she doesn’t like the necklace, she can go screw herself.”

ACROSS: 1. Delete 6. Catkin 11. Consumer Price Index 14. Glacial ice formation 15. Embankment 16. Scarlet 17. The process of becoming a vapor 19. Snake-like fish 20. Kind of spray 21. Strainer 23. Spring or autumn 27. A fishing line weight 28. Brightness 32. Black 33. Set straight 34. Deity 37. A large chime 38. Moon of Saturn 39. Brandy flavor 40. Female sheep 41. Cut off 42. Detect 43. Not particularities 45. Lead 48. Appraise 49. Farewell 50. Turn away or aside

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JOKES

July 7 - 13, 2010 17

As you’ll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.

53. Chief executive officer 54. An illusory feat 60. Cap or beret, for example 61. Sporting venue 62. Russian currency 63. Donkey 64. Relaxes 65. Refine, as metal DOWN: 1. East southeast 2. Speed up an engine 3. A southern constellation 4. Deplete 5. Frugality 6. “Oh, my!” 7. Prefix meaning “After” or “Beyond” 8. Wickedness 9. Prefix meaning “New” 10. Stress 11. Stream 12. Annoy 13. A do-nothing 18. Hindu princess 22. Motel 23. Military blockade 24. Arm joint

25. Without company 26. An imperial dynasty of China 27. Placard 29. Unsophisticated 30. Adjust 31. Crown 34. Wish granter 35. Fertile areas in deserts 36. Put on clothes 38. Canvas dwelling 39. Animal friends 41. Not concerned with religion 42. Not brothers 43. G 44. Piecrust ingredient 45. Russian villa 46. Concepts 47. Violent disturbances 50. Matures 51. A hole for the escape of gas or air 52. Historical periods 55. Before 56. Mother 57. President Lincoln 58. Sick 59. Mesh

Years of backbreaking work will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) A tragic car accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your oneman band.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Life will imitate art this Tuesday when a multi-planar figure of a woman stands languidly beside an abstracted carafe of wine.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise; although why you’d be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted to a giant flame this week.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20) The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven’t been paying as much attention as you’d thought.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19) You’ll be brought face-to-face with your own mortality during a series of harrowing stabs to the jaw and forehead.

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20) This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 21) For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.


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18 July 7 - 13, 2010 by: Pat Moran “Man on his Throne” - pmoran@gmail.com

You Need to Really Celebrate Now that the 4th of July has come and gone, I’ve realized that there really aren’t any holidays to look forward to in the next couple months. It seems that there is a little “Winter Months” bias going on when it comes to holidays. I know how many crappy fake holidays exist, but in my mind, I think there should be more honest to goodness days of recognition. Holidays that should mean something.

Here are a few of my suggestions. Let’s make it happen: • “Wardrobe Malfunction Day” - Feb• • •

ruary 1 – A celebration of football, boobs and all things malfunctioning. “Beer Day” - April 7 – The day prohibition ended, a day that should be remembered with every pint. “Anti-George Lucas Day” - May 19 – The release of the Phantom Menace. ‘Nuff Said. “2 Dolla Bill Day” - July 1 – Why not show some love for Thomas Jefferson and his 2 dollar bill, on the day they first started making ‘em. “National Intern Day” - August 19

• •

• •

– President Bill Clinton’s Birthday. Interns everywhere rejoice! “Make Me Breakfast Day” - August 24 - The Waffle Iron was patented today. Make me breakfast! “Crapper Day” - September 28 – In honor of famous bathroom enthusiast Thomas Crapper’s birthday. Have a Crappy Day! “Gridiron Day” - October 3 – To commemorate the first NFL game ever played. “Buckner’s Day” - October 25 – Celebrating Bill Buckner’s amazing error that lost the World Series for the Red Sox. This is a way for every Anti- Red Sox fan to celebrate. “Boobs on Film Day” - November 18 – In honor of one of the most important days in history, the day that the movie “Inspiration” was released in 1915, which was the first movie that had nudity in it. Boom! “I Read It For The Articles Day” December 1 – Playboy’s first issue, giving “rise” to an American Pastime.

Crossword Solution



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