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Cops Find Naked Drunk Men In Woods BLITZ News Shorts 3 Blitz Movie Reviews 4 Music: Rubik 5 Rangers/AirHogs/Vigilantes News 6 A Woman’s HSO 7 Thanking Our Heroes 8 COVER STORY: Guide to Man Caves The TVs and Movies to Watch 9 Man Cave Must Haves 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Melissa 12 The ‘Marital Bullet’ 13 Food Review: Ristorante Nicola 14 Blitz Toys 15 The Fan Top 10 with Sybil 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: Draft Dodger 18 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jennifer Wayne CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER Cover Photography: Nathaniel Chadwick Special thanks to The Lodge STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Nathaniel Chadwick, Kent Gilley, Tim Gravens, Steven Hendrix, Matt Pearce, Jason Ryan, Ed Westerman CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Gloria Brumagen, The Bum, Dan Dailey, HouAstros 1989, David Goodspeed, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors, Carl Van Vechten STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Eric Kendall, Frank LaCosta, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak, Craig Smith, Joe Stumpo, and Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Edward Biley Andrion, The Bum, Geoff Case, Cassie R. Cullins, Dennis Hambright, Andrew J. Hewett, Jack L. Pier, Sybil Summers ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029

www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2010 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www.blitzweekly.com.

Photo Courtesy: Carl Van Vechten

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VOL. 2 - ISSUE 43

June 23 - 29, 2010 3

QUOTE OF THE WEEK If there hadn’t been women we’d still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends. – Orson Welles May 1915 – October 1985

Police in western New York said two Canadian men attended a church festival and wound up in the woods drunk, naked and covered in mud. State police said troopers found a 22-year-old man from Hamilton, Ontario, sitting along a road in the town of Lewiston, just outside Niagara Falls, around 5:45 a.m. last Sunday. Troopers said he was caked in mud. After questioning him, troopers found a 23-year-old man from Hamilton covered in mud and passed out in a ditch nearby. Police said both men were highly intoxicated. Troopers say the men had attended the St. John de LaSalle Carnival last Saturday and afterward decided to make it a “Woodstock event” by dancing naked in the woods. Both men were taken to a local hospital where they were treated and released. Neither man was charged.

Andrew J. Hewett

Gorilla Tries To Use Branch To Flee Exhibit The North Carolina Zoo in Asheboro temporarily closed its gorilla exhibit after one of the apes nearly made a break for it. Zoo spokesman Tom Gillespie said a branch from a tree fell into the exhibit last Sunday. One female gorilla tried to use the branch as a ladder to climb out of the exhibit, but she didn’t make it. The exhibit remained closed Tuesday as staff horticulturists checked nearby trees for loose limbs. Zoo officials think the branch came down after being weakened by a storm Saturday.

Ice Cream Vendor Accused Of Threat In Turf Battle

Police said an ice cream vendor threatened another vendor with a knife and told her to get off his turf. The man acknowledged talking with the woman last Sunday in a cul-de-sac but denied making threats. Police found a knife in his truck and arrested him for investigation of assault. The Daily Herald of Everett reported the 51-year-old man appeared in District Court Monday and was ordered held on $25,000 bail. The woman said she didn’t think she was violating the unwritten code among vendors about where they sell frozen treats.

www.chewednews.com

SHE MUST’VE LEFT A BAD TASTE IN HIS MOUTH?

One of Chicago’s master butchers in the 1870s was Adolph Luetgert, whose ambition was to make his sausage famous. His dream came true after he was arrested for killing his wife, causing a rumor to spread he had made her into sausage. Though her body was in truth burned, this misinformation continued to spread, reducing the sales and consumption of all Chicago processed sausage greatly for several years. (Luetgert died in prison, less than two years after his life sentence began.)

THIS MAN HAD NO HEART

The Sioux Chief “Rain in the Face” admitted after the Battle of Little Big Horn in 1877, despite rumors he had cut the heart from the chest of General George Custer and ate it: “No! Me no eat ‘em! Me stick knife in, lick the blood, and throw heart away!”

THE DALLAS MORNING NEWS, JUNE 16, 2010, QUOTE:

“A Plano man charged in his mother’s death was caught with methamphetamine weeks earlier but was arrested instead on an outstanding warrant for not wearing a seatbelt.” (Page 1A)


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4 June 23 - 29, 2010

BLITZREVIEWS

BLITZREVIEWS

By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com

The A-Team

Like this year’s remake of Clash of the Titans where in tossing aside the mechanical droid owl that was present in the 1981 original, the filmmakers were saying, “This is not the film your daddy saw when he was a kid,” there is a moment in the big screen redo of the television series, The A-Team, that shares the same sentiment. Those who remember the ‘80s action adventure series that ran from 1983 to 1987 will likely recall the mode of transportation the four fugitives rode in; a black GMC van with the red stripe on the side. That van, which B.A. Baracus (Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson) calls “his girl” makes an appearance early on in this big screen redo only to get flattened as he and fellow comrades-inarms, team leader Col. Hannibal Smith (Liam Neeson), Lt. Templeton ‘Faceman’ Peck (Bradley Cooper) and Howling Mad Murdock (Sharlto Copely) escape in a helicopter from whom I assume are Mexican drug dealers. “You pancaked my van,” B.A. says. “I’m gonna kill you, fool!” “You can’t park there, it’s a handicapped zone,” says Murdock. All the elements that made the television series successful during the show’s five

seasons are present. Neeson, Cooper, Jackson and Copley retain their previous counterpart’s mannerisms. This wouldn’t be The A-Team if somewhere throughout the film, Hannibal did not utter the line, “I love it when a plan comes together,” as he lights a cigar. Cooper’s Face is the ladies man just like Dirk Benedict’s character was except here, he has just one love interest with an attractive no-nonsense government operative (Jessica Biel) who’s hot on their tail. Copely, from last summer’s sci-fi hit District 9, continues to expand his acting abilities proving he is capable of more roles, while Jackson’s B.A. Baracus gets to push the bad guys through walls and develop a fear of flying, much like Mr. T’s character. The villains, much like the television series, however, are undeveloped, cardboard characters who aren’t sinister enough to make us want to root for their demise in the end. If all one is looking for, however, is the chance to watch a lot of things get blown up every so often and guns blazing, The ATeam movie offers plenty of that. I just wish the film were as much fun as the television show was.

Save the Date! Former Dallas Cowboy Offensive Lineman, three-time Super Bowl Champion and six time Pro-Bowler Nate Newton will serve as the Keynote Speaker for the Project X Man Gala. The event is to kick off the Project X Man initiative started by organization founder Keenan Williams. The mission of Project X Man is to help ex-offenders who are preparing to re-enter society become productive, proactive and transformed citizens.

By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com

PROJECT X MAN GALA Thursday, June 24th at 7 p.m. Fort Worth Event Center

Williams himself spent several years incarcerated in the Texas prison system. While in prison, he experienced a true transformation of his mind and spirit. He developed a very disciplined way of life and way of thinking with the intention of emerging from prison as a man destined for success. Tickets are $35 and include a BBQ dinner. For more information, call 817-3033700 or log onto www.projectxman.org.

The Karate Kid

Were it not for the emotional final climactic fight between the young hero (Jaden Smith) and the bully during the kung-fu championship match near the end, there would be no reason whatsoever for me to recommend this largely unnecessary clone of the 1984 film that starred Ralph Macchio as the bullied young kid being taught karate by the apartment maintenance man played by Oscar nominated Pat Morita. Like The A-Team remake, The Karate Kid follows practically the same storyline except instead of a young white kid and his mother moving to California like in the original, we now have a young African-American kid named Dre Parker

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(Jaden Smith) and his mother (Taraji P. Henson) moving to China. Hours after just settling in the new country, Dre has a run-in with the local bully only to be defended and trained in kung-fu by the apartment’s maintenance man (Jackie Chan). Me, being an old timer fed up with Hollywood’s continuing lack of fresh ideas that they have to dig through the old archives in hopes of making a quick profit which will revive the summer box office slump, I prefer the original. There is no denying, however, this redo has a lot of energy, or to be more precise, “attitude”, something Jaden’s Dre eventually learns to get a handle on near the end.


June 23 - 29, 2010 5 blitzweekly.com

by: Jack L. Pier “An Ear for Music”

Rubik:

Broadening the Musical Horizons of the Continent

Rubik - single

4. Indiana

Rubik - Dada Bandits

5. Why Don’t You Let It Happen

Rubik - Bad Conscience Patrol

6. Altitudes

Rubik - Dada Bandits

Photo Courtesy: Jason Ryan/www.jasonryanphotography.com

7. Buildings

When I pulled up to the venue, I saw eight young lads from Helsinki, Finland, hauling musical equipment out of a large bus with flowers painted on the side. Ten minutes later, I found myself back stage interviewing two of them: Artturi Taira and Sampsa Väätäinen. They are the lead singer and drummer of the band Rubik and they will broaden anyone’s musical horizons if given the chance. The idea of eight musicians all playing at once may sound chaotic, but that’s anything but the case. Once described as “Synth-Pop” artists, after seeing them live at The Door in Dallas on June 16th, I don’t think that label does them justice. “Orchestral-Power-Pop” may be more fitting. Taira’s got an amazing vocal range and he can fall in and out of falsetto seamlessly. The band’s stage presence is energetic, to say the least, and the sound is original and sincere. My favorite songs are “We Might Fall Apart,” “Facing the Intergalactic Jury” and “Wasteland.” After the gig, I asked a few audience members what they thought of the band and they were clearly blown away. When asked, the boys told me this was their second U.S. tour, and they’re familiar with Texas as they played SXSW in 2007 in support of their debut album Bad Conscience Patrol. In 2009, they released an eleven song LP called Dada Bandits, but after spending the month of May in the studio, they released a new six song EP entitled Data Bandits. The latter of which is available as a free download on their website: www.rubikband.net. Earlier in the day, their road manager told me he was having a tough time dragging the band out of a music store in Austin that had some great antique synthesizers. I asked Taira why he’s so fond of old synthesizers and he replied “Old synths are unpredictable… and beautiful … and sexy. They’re fresh and original, even though they may be from the ‘70s. People have tried to reproduce those sounds but I don’t think they can.” I asked if he found any he liked at the music store and he said, “There was a Roland Jupiter 6 I wanted so bad…I had to leave the store. My favorites are the Yamahas from the ‘70s, which play like an organ or a string machine…the later model SK Series…SK15, SK20. Those were great. I also like the Juno 6.” What’s next for Rubik--Birmingham, Memphis and Atlanta. “We get to go to places that we’d probably never visit if we didn’t play in a band.” Half-way through the tour with a fortnight to go, “When we go home we’re going to take a break from each other and then head back into the studio. Then in October, we’re touring Europe for a month.” When asked when the new album might hit the streets, Taira replied “Hopefully, if everything goes well, it might be February or March. Knock on wood!” We talked a little about the global pop scene and how diverse it is. “The scene in Finland and Iceland is different than the European scene… just like it’s different from the scene in New York and Canada”. The band has been well received in the Baltic countries and they have a following in Germany as well. After putting on the show they did that night in Dallas, I think it’s safe to say they have a healthy following on this continent, too!

Rubik - Bad Conscience Patrol

8. Radiant

Rubik - Dada Bandits

9. Bill Withers

Rubik - Bad Conscience Patrol

10. Fire Age

Rubik - Dada Bandits

Thur 6/24

Rubik - Bad Conscience Patrol

3. City & the Streets

Carney on tour with Athlete Cambridge Room - Dallas Carney’s lead singer Reeve Carney’s voice has been compared to the late Jeff Buckley, Otis Redding and David Bowie.

Fri 6/25

Rock This Town Festival Kickoff LaGrange - Deep Ellum This five-day music fest will feature amazing live music, “Everest Rocks!” documentary screening, Rock ‘n Roll Raffle, 2nd Annual Guitar Hero Championship and a pool party grand finale. 100% of ticket sales benefit Love Hope Strength Foundation and Children’s Medical Center. Here’s the rest of the schedule: Day 2 - An Evening at The Belmont - Belmont Hotel, Day 3 - Music Mania - LaGrange in Deep Ellum, Day 4 - The Main Event - LaGrange in Deep Ellum and Day 5 Pool Party - The Belmont Hotel.

Neil Davies, AKA Mr. Sinatra 55 Degrees Wine Bar & Bistro - Plano Enjoy a selection of 100+ wines available by the taste, glass, or bottle while relaxing in a cozy lounge atmosphere listening to Neil Davies perform live from 8-11 p.m. No cover.

Sat 6/26

2. Hinges

Wed 6/23

Beer Festival Sigel’s Liquors - 909 Abrams, Richardson This Summer Craft and Import Beer Tasting is from 1 p.m. until 3 p.m. and the best damn part is it’s free!

Sun 6/27

Rubik - Dada Bandits

JMV Comic Book Show Embassy Suites - Frisco One day show for collectors and dealers to buy, sell or trade vintage to modern comic books and related comic book action figures. For more information call JMV Entertainment at (254) 7608682. Admission is $2.

Mon 6/28

Open Blues Jam The Poop Deck - Fort Worth Alan Knight and Company (Texas-style Rock/ Blues) host the Open Blues Jam every Monday night.

Tue 6/29

MUSIC: Rubik Mix 1. Goji Berries

Coastlines: Images of Land and Sea Dallas Museum of Art Don’t have time to head to the beach this summer? Coastlines is an exhibition of over 50 paintings, photographs, and works on paper, that explores how visual artists of the modern period have represented coastal landscapes. If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com


RANGERS:News

by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com

Rangers Are On Fire In June

This past week the Rangers swept Florida in what turned out to be the winning run in and Houston on the road. They have won the 10th inning. For the month of June, he is eight games in a row as of Sunday and batting .474 with 7 homeruns. He is now 4th they’re starting to distance themselves from in the American League in batting average the second place and homeruns. It’s Angels who they safe to say that lead by 3.5 games. “Hambino” is back Last week and could be in the Michael Young running for MVP. reached a milestone Neftali Feliz leads when he became the American League the Rangers all in saves with 19. In time leader in hits. the three game series He passed Pudge with Florida, he got Rodriguez, who now three saves in three sits at number two. consecutive days. June has been great for Josh Rounding out the He deserves a spot top five are a few in the All-Star game big names: Rafael Palmeiro, Juan Gonzalez next month and should make it since players and Ruben Sierra. Young is glad to have this vote on five pitchers and three relievers and behind him and is now focused on making the coach picks the rest. He also should have the playoffs for the first time in his career. I a good shot at winning Rookie of the Year. have a good feeling he will achieve that this Most people don’t realize that he didn’t year. play in enough games last year so he is still Josh Hamilton has been unstoppable in considered a rookie. This week, the Rangers the month of June. Sunday, he tied a career play at home against the Pirates and then high with five hits in the game. After batting Houston for the Lone Star Series.. in the game tying run in the 9th, he singled

VIGILANTES:News

by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com

Photo Courtesy: Joe Lorenzini

Playing Hard And Breaking Hearts Last week, Kenny Henderson of the Dallas first snaps of the season at quarterback and Vigilantes was named Ironman of the was impressive. He had a 34 yard run that set Week for the Arena up a touchdown pass Football League. For to Larry Brackins. those of you who After a strong have never seen him performance, Dallas play, you are really trailed at halftime missing something down 33-31. special. He does it Hall ran in the only all for Dallas, from Dallas score of the dynamic kick returns third quarter. Hall to making big play hit Henderson for a catches. He earned 20-yard touchdown the award after giving pass and Dallas took it his all the previous Henderson is leading the league in all purpose yards the lead 45-40 early week against Tulsa in the fourth. Dallas when he had 10 catches for 104 yards and needed a field goal in the final seconds to send two touchdowns. That was just on offense! it to overtime. The kick bounced off the post He returned a kickoff 56 yards for another and Dallas lost yet another heartbreaker 55touchdown and finished the night with 172 52. Hall may have brought new hope to the return yards. He currently leads the league in offense and created a possible quarterback all purpose yards. controversy. Last Saturday night, the Vigilantes were This season has not gone as planned in Alabama to take on the Vipers. Dallas had for the team nor its fans. They are now 1one of their best first halves of the season. 9 for the season but have not quit. You can Henderson was the “go to” guy in the first tell by the looks on their faces in the locker half with two touchdowns. In the second room that they are determined to win. A few quarter, Collin Drafts was sacked by the Viper breaks here and there and they would have a defense and was out the rest of the game with much better record. This Saturday, they play a shoulder and elbow injury. BJ Hall got his at Oklahoma City.

AIRHOGS:News

by: Cassie R. Cullins AirHogs Media

AirHogs Prepare For Their Road Trip The month of June has been full of Diablos with the El Paso Diablos on Wednesday (6/4-6/6); (6/21-6/23), Vampires (6/22), before heading off on a weeklong road trip. and Guidos (6/17), and yet the AirHogs are The ‘Hogs first head out to Pensacola to take sitting at a cool second place behind the on the Pelicans. If Espinosa and Porter can poker-faced Shreveport-Bossier Captains. remain on their hot streak then the ‘Hogs With just over ten games left in the first half should take care of business quickly. On their of the season, the ‘Hogs intend to go out return, the ‘Hogs will stop off in Shreveport with a bang (and not just a 3rd of July Lone to do battle with the first place Captains. With “lady luck” on Star Parks Fireworks their side the ‘Hogs kind-of-a-bang—see could not only below) and it will narrow the gap but likely come from actually take the lead the steaming bats in the division. of David Espinosa July (.386) and Greg 4th weekend will be Porter (.361). packed at QuickTrip The Espinosa Park. Make plans / Porter duo have now for Thursday, combined for 50+ July 1st since it is $1 hits apiece, 60+ total Porter continues to bring home the bacon Beer Night (always runs scored, and a good thing) and nearly 50 total RBIs. In addition, RHP Matt Green has posted apparently it’s Canada Day. On Friday, the three wins on the season, with the AirHogs AirHogs will be giving away FREE souvenir winning six of the seven games in which he caps to the first 1,500 fans and on Saturday started. Green will take the mound at least the 3rd it’s all about the fireworks. Fans will three more times before the first half retires. be allowed on the field to take in the show. The AirHogs wrap up their home stand

Photo Courtesy: Gloria Brumagen

Photo Courtesy: Matt Pearce

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6 June 23 - 29, 2010


June 23 - 29, 2010 7

“Foxie and Fired Up”

press conference. “Celebrities aren’t banned. If Michael Jordan showed up here he would have access [to the clubhouse], but not after a loss.” The security guard that she talked her way past has not been fired, by the way. Gaga reportedly met with some players, including Robinson Cano. The media, which is supposed to be allowed into the clubhouse 10 minutes after the final pitch, was held out. The New York Post reported last Sunday that Yankees co-chairman Hal Steinbrenner was furious at Gaga’s behavior in the clubhouse -- she pounded whiskey and teasingly played with her own breasts-- and that Steinbrenner had permanently banned Gaga from the team’s clubhouse. That hasn’t actually been confirmed yet, but I, for one, think it is a good idea. Isn’t Yankee Stadium a place for baseball? Hal should hold his ground on this and enforce some sort of dress code and code of conduct for celebrities. What’s next? Yankee pasties?

Do You Feel A Draft? The NBA draft is June 24th, only a week after the Finals are over. The two-round draft will take place in Madison Square Garden in New York. Unlike other league’s drafts, the NBA only has sixty guys selected. Blake Griffin was the number one pick last year by the Los Angeles Clippers, but missed the entire season with a broken knee cap. Tyreke Evans was the number four pick last year by the Sacramento Kings and won Rookie of the Year. Stephen Curry, the number seven pick by the Golden State Warriors, had a solid season hitting 43.7% of his three point shots and averaged 17.5 points a game. Most mock drafts agree on who will be the top three picks this year. The number one pick belongs to the Washington Wizards after they won the draft lottery. It’s no secret that they will take John Wall, the freshman phenomenon from the University

by: Jennifer Wayne

of Kentucky. The point guard has been compared to Derrick Rose and has already signed a shoe deal with Reebok for $25 million over five years. He is one of the fastest players I have seen in years who can get down the court with lightning speed. He plays with confidence and will be a starter right away. The Philadelphia 76ers pick second and will take Evan Turner a 6’7 shooting guard from Ohio State. He is a combo guard who can do it all and is often compared to Brandon Roy. He has good size and strength and isn’t afraid of contact. Last season, he averaged 20.4 points a game and 9.2 rebounds a game. The New Jersey Nets finished with

by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist” - csmith@blitzweekly.com

the worst record in the league but lost in the draft lottery. With the third pick, I think they will take Derrick Favors. He is a 6’10 power forward out of Georgia Tech. He can jump out of the gym and would get lots of alley-oop passes from Devin Harris. He can block shots and grab boards. Who will be Avery Johnson’s first pick as the new Nets coach? Dallas doesn’t pick until #50 and it’s their only pick. They aren’t known for drafting good players. We need someone young and athletic to keep up with the other teams in the West. Summer league begins July 9th, so it won’t be long until Roddy B. takes the floor. Hopefully, they can add someone who can contribute.

FIFA World Cup: U.S. vs Algeria Wed June 23 - 9AM - Loftus Versfeld - ESPN We were robbed of a victory by the blind referee from Mali. Our man Landon Donovan scored a goal. This is the last game for the Group C teams and the US has a lot at stake. A victory pretty much assures moving on in the tournament. A loss could mean a return trip home.

MLB: Houston vs Texas Fri June 25 - 7:05PM - Ballpark in Arlington - TXA-21 The ‘Stros come to town to finish up the Lone Star Series and will try to steal the Silver Boot from the Rangers. The Rangers just pounded the Astros in a three game sweep this past weekend. Colby Lewis will take the mound for the Rangers while the winless Brian Moehler pitches for the Astros.

MLB: NY Yankees vs LA Dodgers Sun June 27 - 7PM - Dodger Stadium - ESPN Old school bragging rights are the theme for this series. The two teams have met in the World Series a few times. How will Torre greet his old team? Can Clayton Kershaw dominate for the Dodgers. The first place Yankees are at it again. What are the odds that A-Rod walks across the mound again?

NASCAR Sun June 27 - NOON - New Hampshire Motor Speedway - TNT Jimmie Johnson just ended his dry spell with his victory at Sonoma. The track is shaped like an elongated oval and that means it’ll be tough to navigate. The entire team will have to concentrate on every lap to ensure that their driver has a chance. Kevin Harvick sits on top of the standings.

Photo Courtesy: HouAstros 1989

Well, I guess for all you folks that are still convinced that Lady Gaga is a tranny, you should take a look at the getup she wore to a Yankees game last week. It left little to the imagination. Gaga wore an oversized Yanks jersey, tied up at her waist, exposing bikini bottoms. Also, she really didn’t bother buttoning the jersey, which revealed a black push up bra. Now, I like Gaga’s music. It’s catchy and sexy, but it seems like the more fame this girl gains, the wackier she gets. And the sad part is, she is encouraged by society to be a less-than-desirable role model for the KISS FM crowd of preteens that chant her songs about taking a ride on some dude’s “disco stick.” Yet I do not understand how she was even let into the park wearing that...I don’t care who she is! Isn’t there like a “no pants, no shirt, no service” policy? What’s worse is that Gaga made her way into the Yankees clubhouse looking like a train wreck. Sure, celebrities are let in to see players all the time, but they have a strict policy about letting anyone besides the players in the clubhouse after a loss. So not only did she get in looking like a hooker, but she got in at a restricted time (Yanks lost to the Mets that night). So is Gaga on the blacklist? “She’s not banned,” New York Yankees GM Brian Cashman said last Sunday afternoon at a

blitzweekly.com

There’s No Boob In Baseball


blitzweekly.com

8 June 23 - 29, 2010

Thanking Our

Heroes

by: Edward Biley Adrion

A

fter nearly a month away from the Blitz Weekly, I am glad to be home. I have mentioned before that I proudly serve in the United States Navy as a reservist. Essentially, I serve a minimum of one weekend a month and two weeks out of the year. In my case, I often invest more than the minimum. I spent my Annual Training (AT) this year on the USS Blue Ridge. While the experience was rewarding, it was extremely challenging at times. Some of the challenges include the jet lag, the 13-hour flight, the change in daily routine and especially the work environment and culture. For me, the experience was definitely exciting. The active duty members had a range of different attitudes. Some of these guys loved the Navy and the experiences; some of them had some bad experiences and would rather not be in the situations they were in. Regardless of their situations, I thanked them. After my AT, I returned home. I would remain in the comforts of my home, my job and my friends. Many of these guys and gals would remain onboard in a foreign country with not nearly the same amount of luxuries we enjoy daily. It is for this reason that I think we could all stand to say thank you to our heroes. Whether your heroes are military members or not, the idea that so many sacrifice their luxuries so that we can enjoy our own is humbling. Take for example, the mother or father who sacrifices their own personal time

eandrion@blitzweekly.com

to drive the kids to school, to practices, to attend meetings and school functions and who constantly show up when necessary. These are our unsung heroes. Maybe I am a bit sentimental returning home or maybe it has to do with the Fourth of July around the corner. All I know is that we often forget to thank our heroes. So, here goes: to the members of our military, past, present, and future; to our families who support us when we know it and when we do not; to the members of our communities who give us their time and talents: teachers, firefighters, police officers, and all the other members of our local, state, and federal governments. Thanks for the liberties and luxuries we take for granted. Saying thank you to our heroes does not necessarily make their jobs any easier. It may not even make it more gratifying. I believe that our heroes do not do the job for the money or the kudos, they do the job because no one else will. To me, that is truly heroic. This summer while all of our kids run around without any real responsibilities try to teach them to look our for the local and global heroes of today. Teach them to say thank you and maybe some of them will eventually assume that role one day. Next AT for me might be in some foreign country again and sure enough I will have a chance to serve next to one of my heroes and I will definitely not forget to say, “Thank you.�


June 23 - 29, 2010 9 LG LH90 series

One of the best 5 HDTVs for picture quality? Believe it. The superb black levels and solid peripheral picture quality characteristics of the company’s local dimming LED-based LCD are the real deal. Price: $1,399.99 - $1,899.00

Speaking of LED-based LCDs, the LH90 might trail the 8500(s) in overall picture quality, but its color accuracy is better than any of the others on this list. Fans of matte screens, rejoice! Price: $1,399.88 - $1,999.95

by: Robin George

“Quest for Knowledge”

LG LE8500 series

LG’s 8500 is among the best LCDs we’ve ever tested, but if we had to choose one based on picture quality alone, it would be the Samsung. The LG gets the basics-black level and color--nearly perfect, but a couple of imperfections will give the most discerning videophiles pause. Still, No. 2 among LCDs isn’t bad. Price: $1,949.00 - $2,429.99

Samsung UNB5000 series

In the battle of the “8500” local-dimming, LED-based LCDs, the Samsung from 2009 comes up on top of the LG from 2010--just barely. It can’t beat the LG’s color accuracy or shadow detail, and falls short of its offangle viewing, but surpasses its video processing and uniformity across the screen, and comes close enough in other areas to maintain dominance. But it’s a close one. Price: $5,599.00

Panasonic TC-PG20/25 series

Deep black levels, accurate color and the typical uniformity advantages of plasma over LCD--excellent off-angle fidelity, uniform brightness and color across the screen--will tempt videophiles. The only question, and it’s a biggie, is whether those black levels stay dark. Time will tell, but at first glance this Panasonic is a clear winner. Price: $1,224.00 - $1,499.95 10. Spider Man 2 (2004) Sure, the first Spider Man was necessary to give us the back story on Spidey, but it wasn’t really “action packed.” Part two is where we got to see what Peter Parker could really do when he put on the spandex. The subway chase high above the city, in which Spider Man duked it out with Doctor Octupus on an out-of-control train, showed what a bad ass our comic book hero really is. 9. Enter the Dragon (1973) May not be a complex movie, but guys don’t really need all that emotional garbage in their cave. This flick is just Bruce Lee and other tough dudes on an island

beating each other up for sport. Like you haven’t pictured yourself in the courtyard rumble or the hall of mirrors? 8. Robocop (1987) Director Paul Verhoeven said, ‘’RoboCop is ahead of its time. I don’t think you could improve it by doing it digitally.’’ He’s right. The face-off between Robo and the panzer-guard-bot ED 209 is one for the ages and no CGI was involved. This is the movie you can pass on to the next generation of man-cavers in 20 years to show them what a real man movie is.

7. Gladiator (2000) A down on his luck dude gets to beat the crap out of people in a coliseum. What’s not to love? Good thing writer David Franzoni is a persistent bastard. ‘’I pitched Gladiator a couple of places, and everybody thought I was demented — that it was the worst idea for a motion picture ever.’’ 6. The Road Warrior (1982) The movie starts with this narration: ‘’The gangs took over the highways, ready to wage war for a tank of juice. And in this maelstrom of decay, ordinary men were battered and smashed.’’

Mel makes the guys in the latest post-apoctolypic films look like total D-bags. 5. Predator (1987) Actor Carl Weathers (Dillon in the movie) put it best: ‘’Predator was just unbridled testosterone — never having to worry about makeup or wardrobe because you’re just a bunch of sweaty guys in the jungle with fatigues on.’’ 4. Lethal Weapon (1987) You’ve got to love a film with a bunch of crazy people toting weapons. Gibson is a suicidal cop with a good aim and Danny

Glover is the unlucky family man who gets to be his partner. Together, they get to chase down Hollywood’s ultimate weirdo, Gary Busey. Classic. 3. Die Hard (1988) Bruce Willis’ John McClane is an average guy. He’s not thick with muscles, he’s often afraid, and he forgot his shoes. And that gives us hope that we too could take down terrorists and swing across skyscrapers, too. 2. Empire Strikes Back (1980) Any movie where a cute little

green booger puppet with dyslexia can fight people six times his size deserves to be near the top of any list. 1. The Matrix (1999) Virtual reality + hackers + kung fu + groundbreaking effects equals a sci-fi-action-drama combo that will be hard to top anytime soon. The film’s main lady, Carrie Ann Moss, said it best: ‘’The Matrix just raised the bar in such a major way. There hadn’t been anything you wanted to line up for in a long time. I think The Matrix really inspired movies again, and I think actors started to really want to do their own stunts instead of having doubles.’’

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Vizio VF551XVT


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10 June 23 - 29, 2010

Origins of the Man Cave by: Eric Kendall

“Man Cave Historian”

Nothing says I’m a badass like flaming po Obscura Cuelight Pool Table: This billiard projector to create visual effects that trace th The end result allows you to choose multipl balls are trailing fire and explosions or creat of water. Check this out on YouTube becaus pothead friends will absolutely love it. Who Texas/OU game? The eight ball will decide www.obscuradigital.com/pool/ Price - $200,000

A

“Man Cave” is a room, space, or other area of dwelling that is specifically reserved and designed for a man to be a man. It can be used in a solitary condition or with his fellow brethren; whether to be away from the rest of the household in order to work, play, involve himself with hobbies or activities without interruption. This area should be adorned by the male that resides in this cave without interference from any female influence. The Man Cave origins begin early in man’s history. Some of the most influential are noted below:

SmEagols Cave:

Sméagol was one of the first guys who had it right. He knew exactly what he wanted and started the trend early on; a simple escape. His cave was somewhere he could be himself and enjoy viewing his “precious” without anyone nagging him to take out the trash! No fancy decorations, no lacey drapes or curtains. Just slimey rocks and all the raw fish he could gnaw on. Don’t forget his precious, too. Priorities.

The only drinking game! Arkeg! The Ultimate Kegorator: The Kegorator/Arcade machine comes pre-loaded with 69 old school arcade games, including Battlezone, Centipede, Defender, Joust, Missle Command, Tempest, and the greatest arcade game of all time, Spy Hunter. The best part about this game machine is everybody wins, at least until the next morning. www.drinkngame.com/ Price - $ 3999

Bat Cave:

Bruce Wayne was a billionaire who had crazy nightmares about bats and decided to kick some ass. Not all of us are so lucky to have unlimited cash at our disposal to decorate our cave, but if we did, it’d probably look just like the bat cave. He even had his buddy Alfred to tend to his business while in the Cave. Throw in a wet bar and you’ve got yourself the perfect cave.

Fortress of Solitude:

Superman took a cue from his Bat Pal and said, “you’re on to something pal.” Superman was obviously tired of Lois nagging him to use his laser beam eyes to heat up her coffee or save her from impending doom. So what does he do? Sets up a palace of ice where no one can find him and adds one of the most kick ass “Kryptonian High Definition Crystal” entertainment system with full surround sound. Bonus.

Dr. Evils Secret Lair:

Dr. Evil does it with style. I’m pretty sure he could host a Man Cave show on HGTV. Dr. Evil doesn’t have just one mancave, but more like 6. Each lair pays homage to himself as well as all things evil. Not to mention they are stocked full of dedicated minions. What else could you ask for? Oh yeah...sharks with frikken laser beams on their heads.

Xbox, the only place the Texas Tech offense wins championships. XBOX 360: The new Xbox 360 is smaller, quieter and boats a 250GB hard drive as well as onboard WiFi. The best way to spend halftime is beating the tar out of your friends in Madden. The Xbox Live online service has just partnered with ESPN to broadcast over 200+ sporting events next year. The new Kinect gaming device (think Wii on steroids minus the goofy controller) will let you “scan” objects into games. Now that Samurai Sword you bought at the swap meet has a whole new meaning. www.xbox360.com Price - $299

Do not watch “L Shop of Horrors installing! Kisses! Urinal f Bathroom Man man’s bathroom most of his deep ing occurs and a thoughts. The ab to a bathroom no the family avoid one of your budd sions. www.bathroomPrice - $300


Little s” before

from nia: A m is where pest thinkallows him to reflect on his bility to shun your friends ot occupied by the rest of ds some tension created after dy’s lawn sprinkler impres-

-mania.com

MAN CAVE MUST HAVES

Your secret stash! “The Grand” Old World Globe Bar: This is necessary because the buffoons that you chose to associate yourself with don’t notice if their downing your expensive bourbon or a Bud Light. This is also clutch when slurring your way through an impromptu geography lesson. www.1worldglobes.com/ Price - $500

by: Geoff Case “Man Cave Spelunker”

Care for some bubbly? Bubble wall bar lighting: Light up your booze with professional bar lighting from Beyond 7 bubble wall installations to make a more modern mantuary for you and your friends. The easiest way to disguise your alcoholism is with pretty lights and acrylic. www.beyond7.com Price - varies

Somebody hear the batphone? I approved this! Grab me a cold one, Robin. Hidden passageway to your man cave: Hidden Passageways apparently offers biometric locks for your secret door, with fingerprint and even retinal scanners! How you are going to have a secret door with a big LCD palm plate next to it, I don’t know. If you have a remote clicker that lifts up a staircase to access your man cave you will forever be a Blitz legend. www.hiddenpassageway.com/ Price - $4,000+ Signed Troy Aikman Helmet: This is a great conversation piece when you have to play the ultimate trump card in American sports: How many Super Bowls does your team have? I’m looking at you Eagle fan. www.sportsmemorabilia.com/ Price - $300

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ool balls! ds table uses an overhead he balls flying around the felt. le effects like whether your ting ripples across the surface se it’s unbelievable and your o gets that extra ticket to the e.

June 23 - 29, 2010 11


by: Dennis Hambright

Photo Courtesy: Dan Dailey

www.dennishambright.com

I heard some nitwit on the radio saying that married couples live longer, happier, less stressful lives. Really? On what planet? Don’t get me wrong. I’m a hopeless romantic at heart and believe in the possibility of enduring marital bliss, but I also believe it’s about as probable as a threelegged orangutan winning American Idol next season. In other words, it ain’t likely. Truthfully, how many times have you ever heard a guy say, “Wow, I can’t believe how much fun being married is! It’s better than I ever thought it would be. I just wish I’d done it sooner!” I bet if you hear a man say that, it’s because his wife is within earshot. A good marriage can be one of life’s greatest adventures; and if you find the right person, you should definitely go for the gusto. But you’ve got to enter into the union with the attitude of a grizzled MMA fighter. It might be the right thing to do, but there’s going to be some serious stress, and you know you’re going to take some excruciating shots to the groin along the road to success. There’s all kinds of books and talk shows about teaching women how to get a guy to commit. Ever wonder why you don’t hear about guys trying to learn how to get a woman to commit? It’s because men are the ones expected to make the most sacrifices and changes to their lifestyle. Here’s a few reasons why you might want to think twice before jumping in front of the ‘marital bullet’: Money Issues: Once you get married, it’s amazing how quickly what’s hers is still hers, and what’s yours is suddenly “ours.” As long as you dodge the marital bullet, you’ll never have to

squirrel away “cookie jar cash” or hide receipts. If you’re on a hot streak in Vegas and decide to double-up and hit on 17, you can just go for it, brother, and not have to worry about the lecture on how that money would have been better spent on new patio furniture when you get home. Asking Permission: You never hear a single man say, “I’ll have to ask her to see if I can go to the game this weekend.” Yikes! Once you cut loose from your Mama’s apron strings, you might think twice before letting some other woman wrap hers around your neck. Insecurities: As long as you’re still single, the only insecurities you have to deal with are your own. If you’ve got the cajones to walk up and talk to that hot little number at the office or take a long look at the amazing wonders of female perfection strolling along the beach, then have at it. Once you’re married, things like that are a sure fire ticket straight to a long, lonely night of wrestling your pillow on the couch. Family Bonds: The old saying is, “you can pick your friends, but you’re stuck with the family you’ve got.” So, after years of learning how to negotiate the familial minefield, you can finally survive the holidays without bloodshed or someone crying. Once you’re married, you’ll have a whole new set of relatives that you’ll have to be nice to, whether you like it not. And I promise, most of them won’t be people you ever would have picked on your own. Privacy: The only person who’ll ever be going through your stuff…your e-mail inbox or your text messages or your Face Book page, and saying, “Woops, probably shouldn’t have said that, or sent that picture, is you.

The Blitz Guide to Fail-Safes Misadventures in Dating

W

e all need a fail-safe sometimes. Let’s face it, some days are just terrible and alcohol and bad TV just doesn’t cut it. Sometimes you need to get laid no matter what. Maybe you just got dumped by your girlfriend, lost your job, got your house foreclosed on, etc. and the last thing you want to do is play the tedious dating game where you’ll most likely end up with a phone number and a cold bed. So here is a list of fail-safes, things that will work every single time no matter what, unless you’re four foot tall and have a troll-face, but even then these fail-safes will put the odds in your favor. That might sound cruel, but we live in a cruel world, especially when it comes to dating. Also, when using fail-safes you must forgo some of your morals, but hey, for every plus you must pay a minus. Just call it the price of admission. 1. The roommate’s girlfriend after she catches him cheating - This one is almost too easy. Naturally, you must play the therapist first because she’ll be upset. Give her some alcohol and tell her everything she wants to hear: “What a jerk. You can do so much better. You deserve someone who appreciates you…” Then she’ll be drunk and wanting to make herself feel better by having sex and getting revenge. Easy pickins…. 2. GUE - Go Ugly Early. Now remember when I said you might have to forgo morals? Well, this definitely applies. Josh Gibson, 30, an engineer from Keystone Heights, FL, explains it this way, “The key to GUE is selling the ugly chick on the idea that you like something about her other than her horrid looks and disfigured body. Maybe she has a nice personality or you’ve always wanted to meet a gothic gremlin.” 3. A pet hedgehog - J. Debenidetto, 26, a grad student from Fort Lauderdale was on a nightmarish date with a woman he describes as “smelling like mothballs and who told me she was Baker Acted three times in the first 15 minutes.” But when he dropped her off, feeling lucky he hadn’t been stabbed, stalked, or robbed, she asked if he wanted to come up to her place and see her hedgehog. “I was like, damn it, yes. How could I say no to seeing a pet hedgehog?” If the crazy mothball lady can do it, so can you. Nuff said. 4. The drunk ex-girlfriend - She’s lonely, drunk, and in familiar territory. Of course, drunk-dialing her and hooking up probably isn’t a good idea for many reasons, it is still a fail-safe, and you might have to forgo not just your morals but also some self-respect. Still, this one is just a phone call away. 5. Rebounding female friend - She’s still recovering from her break-up and she’ll want a good friend around to drink with and have a few laughs. Keep the drinks coming and let her rant and vent as much as she needs to. Then tell her how great, beautiful, etc. she is and make your move. And who knows? Maybe you are secretly her fail-safe too. It could be a fail-safe match made in heaven. 6. Single bride’s maid - She will probably be drunk by the end of the night, since that’s what usually happens at weddings. She will also be feeling more than ever the loneliness setting in with all those couples flaunting their happiness. Keep her on your radar and let her know that you understand. Soon your commiserating will turn into consummating. Now, if none of those worked, which is highly unlikely, it’s time to bring out the big guns. You can always say your mom just died, but if that doesn’t work, the prostitute can be your last resort.

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THE ‘MARITAL BULLET’

June 23 - 29, 2010 13


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14 June 23 - 29, 2010

by: The Bum

www.dallasrestaurantreviews.com

Ristorante Nicola 8111 Preston Road • Dallas 214-379-1111 • www.nicoladallas.com

Ristorante Nicola is a high-end Italian restaurant that costs less than what you might expect.

Setting Food

The prime ground floor space in a very ordinary office building in a very pricey part of town. The first time I drove up, there were not one but three Bentleys in the seeand-be-seen spaces in front. Valet parking is cramped and a little chaotic, but you’ll get over it once you step inside the door.

This is not your common Italian fare. I highly recommend starting with the Tartar di Tonno, a mound of Ahi tuna tartar layered with avocado, capers, and shallots – one of the finest appetizers I’ve ever tasted. The pastas are house-made and most are available in half orders for reasonable prices, either as a large appetizer or a still-filling entrée. My favorite pasta is the Ravioli Brasato – plump pillows of braised beef ravioli with a pasta wrapper so thin, it’s almost transparent, served in a Marsala mushroom cream sauce. Among the entrees, the Porco Buco is an impressive play on Osso Buco, except it’s a wonderful pork shank over polenta, accompanied by an intense reduction sauce. The pan-seared scallops with porcini mushrooms are excellent, as is the black pepper-crusted beef tenderloin for the carnivores in your party. Pastas are $16-$20 and entrees are $20-$33.

Wine Ambiance Reservations Bottom Line

The wine list is not as long as you might expect at a top-end restaurant, but it has plenty of well-chosen wines at very good prices.

Nicola is open and airy with high ceilings and well-spaced tables. The clubby rooms are dominated by rich red-and-gold draperies, elegant lamps and gargantuan black chandeliers of imported Murano glass.

The trendy crowd in designer apparel has moderated a little since it first opened, but reservations are still advised, especially on weekends.

Beyond-the-ordinary food and high-dollar atmosphere – Nicola is the place to take your boss or your best girl for what feels like a night on the town without breaking the bank. Also open for lunch.


June 23 - 29, 2010 15 blitzweekly.com

story & pics: David Goodspeed “Heavy Foot and a High Opinion!”

The tide has turned on large, mobile real estate-hogging vehicles here in the U.S. and the new trend is small – OK, mini. And one of my favorite vehicles of the past decade has been the MINI Cooper. It was love at first sight (and drive) when the millennial Cooper hit U.S. shores in 2000. Built by BMW, this is one of my favorite overall vehicles and they offer one of the most enjoyable driving experiences – of any sized car. MINIs are available in hardtop, convertible, supercharged, Clubman and, coming soon, full four-door Countryman variations. Our most recent time was spent zipping around town in a convertible with the John Cooper Works (JCW) package. While sharing the name with the funky little car that became an overnight hit thanks to the Beatles, the new Coopers are much larger and more lavishly equipped than the historic model of the ‘60s. Smooth, comfortable, quiet and surprisingly roomy inside, the MINI Cooper offers the latest in automotive technology on the road wrapped in a fun environment – complete with the biggest speedometer on

the planet. The body of the latest generation MINI boasts evolutionary development from the iconic 1959 Classic Mini, while the interior styling cues are evocative of the original and contain the latest technological advances found today. Performance plays a major role in providing driving fun and the four-cylinder engines of the MINI hardtops deliver. Our tester John Cooper Works MINI convertible is one wicked weekender – good for every day of the week. Take it to work, take it to the mall, take it to the lake, take it to the drive-in (yes, they still have those), take it to the track – you can take this funster just about anywhere. And its size makes parking a snap. Base MINIs are powered by a naturally-aspirated 1.6 liter four-cylinder engine (118hp and 114 lb. ft. torque). The turbocharged 1.6-liter version in the Cooper S produces 172 horsepower (177 lb. ft. torque), eclipsing the magical “100-hpper-liter” measure revered by enthusiasts. And then there is the car we drove, the John Cooper Works edition with power boosted to 208 ponies and 192 torque. The engine is

fitted transversely under the bonnet (hood, to us Yanks) and powers the front wheels, and despite its high level of dynamic performance and sporting character, even our supercharged MINI returns superior fuel economy of 26 mpg city and 34 mpg highway. The MINI Cooper and the MINI Cooper S both come standard with a six-speed manual transmission but both models can be ordered with an optional six-speed automatic transmission. The JCW version only comes with the manual. The new generation’s revised interior lighting reflects typical MINI style and class, with the addition of ambient lighting which can be varied in five stages from warm orange to sporting blue. Serving as discreet “waterfall illumination” from above and as indirect illumination of the roof lining, door storage bins and door handle recesses, this illumination scheme creates a unique atmosphere inside the latest MINI. Pricing for the John Cooper Works convertible at about 35 grand and as in our test version, goes to just under 40 large with a few personalized add-ons.

iPhone 4

Sure, you’ve seen it before, but that doesn’t make it any less amazing. Taking a huge leap from the past three iterations, iPhone 4 makes up for the past six months of killer Android releases with features like an Apple A4 processor, app multitasking, 7 hours of talk time, a backlit 5-megapixel camera with an LED flash and 720p video recording (and iMovie), a front-facing camera for FaceTime video calls, an eye-popping 960 x 640 Retina display, an all glass and stainless steel body and a profile that’s skinnier than the latest winner of America’s Next Top Model. Price - $200-$300

Bheestie

We try to be careful with our gadgets, but even the most diligent protectors can be thwarted by a slip from the shoulder while relieving themselves, or by an errant step on a lake- or riverside camping trip. Consider Bheestie your backup plan. This moisture-absorbing stuff comes in a handy, resealable bag that lets you toss your soaked silicone in and retrieve a dry, hopefully functional device. Unfortunately, it can’t un-trigger a moisture sensor, so you’d best hope that iPod or iPhone didn’t get too drenched. Price - $20

Husqvarna 355FX Forestry Saw

You mostly see people in movies clearing their way through the forest with a machete or some other longish blade, but if you have more than just a subtle path to clear, it’s time to call in some professional-strength tools. Like the Husqvarna 355FX Forestry Saw. Using ergonomically-angle bicycle handlebars for control, the 355FX clears away even the densest of brush with a meaty X-Torq engine, a 22-tooth wood cutting blade that’s angled for more effective trimming, thumb-operated throttle, and a jetpack-like Balance XT harness to make sure you stay in control at all times. Dieter Dengler sure could have used one of these. Price - $1,200


By: Sybil Summers

sybilsummers.com

Top 10 MILFS I’m not talking about Hollywood 20-somethings who’ve shot out a kid recently. I mean women who are old enough to be your mother and hot enough to be your fantasy. 10. Raquel Welch - Two words: Fur. Bikini. 9. Virginia Madsen Botox has done her just right. 8. Jaclyn Smith - Her stint on Charlie’s Angels was far before my time, but she hosted some hair show on Bravo and this old broad is smokin’! 7. Catherine Keener - Seeing her vamp it up in Being John Malkovich really bumped her up a notch. 6. Susan Lucci - She hasn’t looked a day over 40 since 1982. 5. Jennifer Tilly - Her breathy voice can even make a pregnant cartoon or a gothic Cabbage Patch Kid seem erotic. 4. Demi Moore - The cougiest of cougars. 3. Sarah Palin - This governor has mastered the sexy librarian look. 2. Brooke Burke - Four kids and still able to pose for bikini shoots. 1. Kris Jenner She’s birthed six kids and is now a grandma, but I bet she’s still hotter than your girlfriend.


HORRORSCOPES Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)

This week, powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in the car. The road trip to WinStar will not be happening!

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22) When your plane crashes in the Rocky Mountains, you will be forced to eat the flight crew, making you glad you chose to fly Virgin Airlines.

FUNNIES

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) That old saying about “cowards dying a thousand deaths while heroes die but once” will occur to you at an extremely apt moment. Don’t hitchhike this week!

Q: How do you get a blonde to climb on the roof? A: Tell her that the drinks are on the house.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) There are a million reasons you shouldn’t give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are very good. Go to Harry Hines instead…

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, lawyers only screw us. Q: What goes clop, clop, clop, clop, BANG! Clop, clop, clop, clop? A: An Amish drive-by shooting Short Changed A horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it. Now the barman figures the horse isn’t that bright, so he decides to pull the old ‘short-change’ trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with one dollar. The horse doesn’t say a word. The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The bartender says to him, “Ya’ know, we don’t get many horses in here.” To which the horse replies, “At nine dollars a beer, I’m not surprised!”

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JOKES

June 23 - 29, 2010 17

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) ACROSS: 1. Quarries 5. Cog 9. Pursue 14. Modify written material 15. Wheel shaft 16. Pertaining to the Moon 17. Charge per unit 18. Fifty-three in Roman numerals 19. Insect stage 20. A flamboyant deceiver 22. Units of distance 23. Bees make this 24. Floral leaf 26. Confederate soldier, for short 29. Indolent 33. Walked unsteadily 38. Yeast 39. Away from the wind 40. A South American bird 42. Be inclined 43. A New York football team 45. After-dinner treats 47. Foray 48. Which person? 49. Cooking bib

52. Stage between egg and pupa 57. Achievements 60. Manufacturing plants 63. Path around the sun 64. Dossier 65. Auspices 66. Sisal 67. Historical periods 68. Lacquered metalware 69. Not a winner 70. Rave 71. At one time (archaic) DOWN: 1. Roost 2. Potato state 3. Moon of Saturn 4. Cubic meter 5. Celebration 6. Departure 7. Assumed name 8. French for “Queen” 9. Environmental condition 10. Abase 11. A Freudian stage 12. Wise one 13. God of love 21. Stringed instrument

25. Buff 27. Found at the end of a pencil 28. Plead 30. Not under 31. Dispatched 32. Concludes 33. Labels 34. Mélange 35. Rip 36. Conditional 37. Father 41. Kitten’s cry 44. Racetrack tout 46. Alone 50. Proposal 51. Nigerian monetary unit 53. Mountain crest 54. Difficulty 55. Garments that cover the head and face 56. A useful or valuable quality 57. A young horse 58. Therefore 59. Fabrics made from goat hair 61. Tribe 62. Exam

While on Oak Lawn on Friday night, you will be shocked and embarrassed when the arresting officers inform you that cockfighting is supposed to involve chickens.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Sagittarius is proud to introduce the 2010 Horoscopes, boasting twice the horsepower and 30 percent more rear-seat legroom.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Your mother’s advice will fail you when you start carefully sounding out the hard words during a speech before the House Subcommittee For Military Appropriations.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) You will undergo a profound personal change that results in you finally paying your phone bill, if you know what’s good for you.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20) Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Chinese dinners. Another night of watching The Bachelorette awaits you!

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19) The gods of justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finished discussing the designated-hitter rule. On second thought, is there justice?

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20) You will experience deep spiritual vertigo when you realize there is nothing else in the world you want to buy. Are you f*cking Robin Hood?

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 21) Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing 63 employees and you have to clean up the mess.


blitzweekly.com

18 June 23 - 29, 2010

Draft Dodger Well...the NBA Draft has come and gone--another year of ridiculous suits, over-priced potential busts and analysts who are paid way too much to sound like six year olds. To be fair, it’s the same with every sport Sportscasters making up hundreds of different words to describe how good a player is. “Oh, he’s a gamer!”or “He’s got length, for sure” and “Gritty/Gutty” (although Dan Patrick is the world’s best) are just three of the million phrases that are tossed off by these shamwow’s. Oh, he’s a “gamer,” huh? I didn’t catch that HE WAS PLAYING BASKETBALL. He’s got length? I wonder if he has width and height, too. He’s Gritty AND Gutty? Well, I’ll be damned... let’s throw down the red carpet all the way to the Hall Of Fame, shall we? Look, there is no real way to judge how well these kids will do. I’ve been a Trailblazers

by: Pat Moran “Man on his Throne” - pmoran@gmail.com

fan for years and not only do I have to watch 90-year-old Greg Oden hobble around the sidelines, but I’m cursed with the Sam Bowie comment that comes around EVERYTIME the Blazers are thinking about drafting a big man... Screw the talking heads who have never played ball. Just draft the kids, pay ‘em too much and move on! And in other sports, too. “Five Tool Player”? “TrueTalent”? Don’t even get me started on calling athletes “athletic,” like it was the first time it occurred to anyone. How STUPID do you have to be? Screw the phrases! If you are paid to talk about the Draft for a living, do your damn homework and come with something to say! So stupid it makes my brain hurt.

Crossword Solution


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