VOL. 2 - ISSUE 24
February 10 - 16, 2010 3
Cucumber Billboard Offends Some Texans
BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile / Movie Reviews 4 Blitz Music: 2010 Music Preview 5 NASCAR Preview 6 UNT / SMU / TCU Previews 7 History of Bourbon Street 8 COVER STORY: NBA All-Star Game Events and Parties 9 Dallas: Then and Now 10 Best NBA All-Star Moments 11 BLITZ BABE: Nicole 12 Guide to Valentine’s Day 13 Restaurant Review: Angelo’s 14 Blitz Toys 15 The Fan Top 10 with Sybil 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: The Dinner Party 18 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jennifer Wayne CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER: Damien William Mayfield CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS David Goodspeed, The Bum PHOTOGRAPHERS Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Nathaniel Chadwick, Kent Gilley, Steven Hendrix, Joe Lorenzini, Matt Pearce, Ed Westerman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, David Goodspeed, Andrew J. Hewett, Eric Kendall, Peggy Kilpatrick, Frank LaCosta, Jayson Larson, Jason Miller, Pat Moran, Tunde A. Obazee, Richard S. Pollak, Craig Smith, Joe Stumpo, Sybil Summers, The Bum, Jennifer Wayne and Jesse Whitman ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed SALES REPRESENTATIVES Edward Andrion, Johnny Horton and Patrick Marshall CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 firstname.lastname@example.org BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK “If that guy makes a turnover, we’re gonna be in deep trouble.” -- Former Dallas Mavs executive Rick Sund, on a halftime show featuring a man juggling chainsaws
At first glance, it looks like a cartoon character. But a closer look reveals something much more revealing. A billboard along Interstate-35 in Lancaster is packing quite a sexual punch and some North Texans aren’t amused. The billboard was put up by the company that owns Condoms to Go and Sara’s Secret, stores featuring adult toys, lingerie and movies. It features a cucumber with cartoon eyes and a mouth. The billboard reads, “Stop vegetable abuse.” The locally-owned adult stores are asking potential customers to consider alternative adult devices. Employees of the stores say they’ve received several
Andrew J. Hewett
complaints since the billboard went up last week. The campaign started from a television commercial that airs late night on cable TV. The television ad also features a moving cucumber looking for a place to hide. The spot ends with the message, “Stop vegetable abuse.”
Bosom Bombers: Explosive Breast Implants
Agents for Britain’s MI5 intelligence service have discovered that Muslim doctors trained at some of Britain’s leading teaching hospitals have returned to their own countries to fit surgical implants filled with explosives, according to a report from Joseph Farah’s G2 Bulletin. Women suicide bombers recruited by alQaida are known to have had the explosives inserted in their breasts under techniques similar to breast-enhancing surgery. The lethal explosives are inserted during the operation inside the plastic shapes. The breast is then sewn up. Similar surgery has been performed on male suicide bombers. In their cases, the explosives are inserted in the appendix area or in a buttock. Both are parts of the body that diabetics use to inject themselves with their prescribed drugs.
‘Walmart of Weed’ Opens In Oakland
To The San Francisco Chronicle, it’s the “Walmart of Weed.” One might also say it’s the “Home Depot of High Times.” Or maybe it’s the “Best Buy of Buds.” How about the “Target of THC”? As The Oakland Tribune reports, iGrow -- a 15,000-square-foot superstore -- is now open for business in Oakland. Its shelves stock various types of grow lights, fans, plant nutrients and growing containers for “medical marijuana patients who want to grow their own cannabis plants.”
IF YOU’RE ARMLESS, DON’T USE THESE TOILETS Beautiful Singapore, definitely the cleanest large city on earth, uses a “Loo Patrol” to watch their public toilets. Much like meter maids giving parking tickets, these inspectors first hover and listen closely. Should a user not flush, the law allows these public potty protectors to issue the offending a nonflusher a ticket, which can cost up to 1,000 Singapore dollars. IN A ROUNDABOUT WAY MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS SAVED HER LIFE In March 1996, the Sunday Oklahoman profiled the story of Oklahoma City homemaker Mary Clamser, 44, because of two unusual circumstances that changed her life. First, in 1994, Ms. Clamser was suffering from deteriorating multiple sclerosis, when her house was struck by lightning. Grounded to metal with her hands, and wearing metal leg braces, the jolting shock returned her ability to walk. Next, in 1995, in order to appear on a California television show and tell her story, she cancelled an appointment at Oklahoma City’s Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building, at 9:00 a.m. on April 19th (which would have placed her among the 168 killed, or 500 wounded, when Timothy McVeigh blew it up).
4 February 10 - 16, 2010
BLITZREVIEWS By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com
Wa s t i n g o u r m o n ey s o yo u d o n ’t h a ve t o !
with Ashton Kutcher
by: Vivian Fullerlove
“Enterainment’s Real Critic”
Occasionally, I like to divulge a teeny tiny bit of personal information about myself. I mean, it’s only fair. Every week, I give you guys the details on other people’s lives, and I am not above sharing. So, here goes. I love LOVE. I love hearts and chocolate and kisses and heartshaped chocolate kisses! Needless to say, I am downright giddy about the new movie Valentine’s Day for many reasons. Reason #1: Garry Marshall is a master of the romantic comedy. Reason #2: It’s all about love. Reason #3: This is the most impressive ensemble cast since Oceans 11, 12 and 13. The movie is about several folks living in LA whose lives intersect on Valentine’s Day. We talked with one of the film’s many stars, Ashton Kutcher, about his role in the movie and he divulged his “yes list.” You play Reed Bennett in the movie. How would you describe him in one word? He’s a lover. He’s just a lover. Any guy that is a florist has to be some kind of romantic, right? You also believe your character’s profession gives him a unique power. Right? The florist knows everything. He knows who is being faithful, who’s cheating, who’s sick, who’s well. The florist has the inside scoop on the gossip channel. There are a lot of messages passed between florists; so, the florist knows if you screwed up with the wife because he has to write the “I’m sorry, baby” card that goes on the flowers. So the florist is the messenger. He’s the go between, sort of like an angel. He’s the angel of love. In some ways he is cupid. That’s why I’m wearing pink!
Jessica Alba plays your girlfriend, Morley, in the movie. Is theirs a good love story or a sad love story? In general, the idea of the story is that people don’t look at my character and Jessica’s character as a fit. But that’s the amazing thing about love, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, it’s about what you think. You had the incredible opportunity to work with the great Garry Marshall on this movie. How did you feel when he asked you to be a part of this amazing ensemble cast? There are just certain people that are on the “yes list.” I mean, you don’t really look at a Garry Marshall film and be like, “ho hum, I don’t know… let me think about it.” You do those films. It’s like Steven Spielberg is on the “yes list.” There’s no “Look Steve, I don’t know about this.” You just say yes! Gary is definitely on the “yes list.”
Edge of Darkness: Part of me wishes there was another reason to see Edge of
Darkness other than the fact this marks Mel Gibson’s first role since Signs (2002). Unfortunately, Gibson’s performance as a detective bent on finding the ones responsible for his daughter’s murder is the only selling point. The story involving government cover-ups and corporate conspiracies has been done before in better movies (those where the lead character is a newspaper reporter, not a cop). Still, it’s nice to know that despite his tabloid-filled private life, Gibson can still bring in audiences on an opening weekend. No small feat considering the number one movie the past several weeks has been some $300 million dollar sci-fi epic called Avatar. Perhaps you’ve heard of it?
PICK OF THE WEEK
Do you think the film is an accurate reflection of love and relationships and what Valentine’s Day means? I think in some ways it addresses the cynical side of Valentine’s Day, but I also think it addresses the hopeful side of Valentine’s Day, and that’s why it’s nice. So if you haven’t figured out what to do with your special someone on Valentine’s Day, it’s now a no brainer! Valentine’s Day opens nationwide this week. The film is rated PG-13 for some sexual material and partial nudity. For all of this week’s new releases and more with your favorite celebs, check out my show Reel Critics on Time Warner Cable Video on Demand under the North Texas Programming tab.
Network (1976): Up until the late Heath Ledger’s win last year for his performance
in The Dark Knight (2008), Peter Finch had been the only actor to posthumously win an Oscar for his raging performance as the “Mad Prophet of the Airwaves” – newscaster Howard Beale whose on-air promise to kill himself on the eve of his final newscast makes him an instant ratings success. Finch suffered a fatal heart attack in January of 1977 at age 60, two months before the Academy Awards aired. In addition to Finch, the film’s screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky won for his witty screenplay. Don’t tell me none of you have ever uttered, or thought about saying, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore,” sometime in your lives.
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February 10 - 16, 2010 5
will be known as a year of record-breaking single track downloads while full album sales fell to an all time low. This trend could be seen as a consumer driven need for a single pop song, or maybe just a lack of enough material to make a fan want an entire album from a single artist. Either way, music lovers will rejoice in 2010 and hopefully get back to embracing albums with the release of some very highly anticipated, and in many cases, long overdue records. Here’s a list of bands that lead the pack and will ultimately be responsible for saving the format. MGMT: CONGRATULATIONS (April) In a recent interview, the band said their new release is intended to be heard as a complete album, and will not include any radio-friendly tracks like “Time to Pretend” or “Kids.” If anyone has a legitimate shot at becoming successful with this strategy, it’s MGMT. BAND OF HORSES: NIGHT RAINBOWS (TBA) Although I think it’s time for these guys to step up to a major label, Sub Pop will keep them for another record and surely capitalize on one of the best live bands around today-my pick for the surprise breakout of the year. GORILLAZ: PLASTIC BEACH (March) Lou Reed, Mos Def, Barry Gibb and Bobby Womack are on board. Band leader Damon says it’s the “most pop record” he has ever made. The first single, “Stylo,” is all the proof you need to become a believer (now streaming on the band’s official site). PETER GABRIEL: SCRATCH MY BACK (February 15) Gabriel’s first album in seven years is a Bob Ezrin-produced orchestral covers collection featuring reinterpretations of Radiohead, Arcade Fire, Bon Iver, Elbow, the Kinks, Talking Heads, Lou Reed, David Bowie and Neil Young. A cornucopia of hip-ness topped with a dollop of classic rock.
by: Jason Miller
BROKEN BELLS: BROKEN BELLS (March 9) The newest project from superstar producer Danger Mouse (aka Brian Burton) finds him teaming up with Shins front man James Mercer. What does it sound like? Imagine a tripped out time machine traveling through the finest decades of rock with a final destination being the year 2010. Couple that with stunning production and you have an indie rock sensation waiting to be discovered. DEVO: FRESH (April) After a 20 year hiatus, the band that writes songs about pro-information, anti-stupidity, and the human condition returns. I thought they should have capitalized on reintroducing their classic hit through a Swiffer commercial and then announce a new album. I mean, isn’t that their target audience? U2: SONGS OF ASCENT (Summer) The latest album for the veteran band is rumored to include songs originally written for 2008’s No Line on the Horizon. There are reports that 72 songs didn’t fit into that album’s tone. If the band has 72 songs leftover, I don’t think tone is their biggest issue. Brian Eno and Daniel Lanois are expected to return as producers. ANTHRAX: WORSHIP MUSIC (Summer) After being pushed back from 2008 to 2009, the band had Worship Music ready to go, but then vocalist Dan Nelson quit. It looks like former vocalist John Bush will be rejoining Anthrax and doing the next tour. My advice: just put the thing out already; it’s not like you’re winning any new fans.
MUSIC: Shuffle Mode 1. Only
Anthrax – Sound of White Noise
2. Hey Ladies
Beastie Boys – Paul’s Boutique
3. Shock the Monkey
Peter Gabriel – Security
MGMT - Oracular Spectacular
5. City of Blinding Lights
U2 – How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
Devo - Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo
7. So Fresh, So Clean
Outkast - Stankonia
8. Smiley Faces
Gnarls Barkley – St Elsewhere
9. Strap It On
Anthrax – We’ve Come For You All
10. So Whatcha Want
Beastie Boys – Check Your Head
Photos Courtesy: Joe Lorenzini and Matt Pearce
6 February 10 - 16, 2010
by: Tony Barone
“Senior Sports Authority”
The National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing (NASCAR) is a family-owned and operated business that sanctions and governs multiple auto racing sports events including the Sprint Cup, the Nationwide Series and the Camping World Trucks Series. Professional football is the only sport in the United States to hold more TV viewers, but NASCAR holds 17 of the top 20 attended single-day sporting events in the world. Its 75 million fans purchase over $3 billion in licensed products each year. Many marketers consider NASCAR fans the most brand-loyal in all of sports. As a result, Fortune 500 companies sponsor NASCAR more than any other motor sport. Yet, tracks have suffered during the tough economy because of declining attendance and less money from those Fortune 500 sponsors, upon which the sport heavily relies. So is the on-going recession going to further affect the sport this season? Hopefully not. NASCAR has alleviated some of the financial strain on racetracks. The sanctioning body lowered the fee it charges to hold NASCAR races. In turn, track owners will be able to reduce ticket prices and lower various fees associated with holding a race. It also will affect prize money, which is largely determined by track profit. As the 2010 season gets underway with testing at Daytona, there are still a few questions that need to be answered. In December 2009, the Associated Press named Jimmie Johnson their Athlete of the Year, making him the first driver to win this honor. With Johnson receiving this award, it may help put the question, “Are drivers athletes?” to rest, though the topic is surely going to be
continually debated. With Johnson winning his fourth consecutive NASCAR Sprint Cup Series championship in 2009, many fans and drivers are wondering if a fifth title is in the stars for him in 2010. He will have plenty of competition from fan favorites such as Denny Hamlin, Mark Martin, Kurt Busch, Jeff Gordon, and Tony Stewart. After months of speculation, Danica Patrick struck a deal with JR Motorsports and will now compete in the NASCAR Nationwide Series. Patrick will begin her stock car career by competing in the ARCA Series at Daytona and will join the NASCAR Nationwide Series for a number of races this season in addition to her fulltime IndyCar Series gig. Can we expect to see her at Texas Motor Speedway? The NASCAR Nationwide Series will debut three new models in 2010 with the Chevrolet Impala, the Dodge Challenger and the Ford Mustang. These new models will debut on July 2 at Daytona and then be used in three other races in 2010. The new car designs are expected to be fully adopted in 2011. Another change this year: Kyle Busch will add team owner to his resume as he fields trucks in the NASCAR Camping World Truck Series this year. As the season kicks off on Valentine’s Day in Daytona, the answers to these questions will start to reveal themselves in a sport trying to spice up its image.
by: Richard “Rocket” Pollak “That Hockey Guy”
Is a Playoff in the Stars? All it will take for the Dallas Stars to be teams don’t make the playoffs, so I will be back in the final playoff spot in the Western traveling to watch the Stars play on the road Conference is to win their next three against the Los Angeles Kings and Anaheim upcoming road games against Chicago, Ducks in So Cal at the end of March as a Calgary and Phoenix. As a good luck charm, good luck charm to break this terrible streak I’m not going to go to another Dallas Stars (and compete in the over 55 Big Kahuna home game until after the Olympic break. Surf Competition). Oops! There are no more home games! So The Dallas Stars brought in a new the Stars are just going to have to win their Goalie’s Coach, Mike Valley, to work with last 3 games on the road Turco and assigned before the Olympics their former Number and secure that spot! #1 Stars Goalie from When you watch when they first moved them at the AAC, they from Minnesota, Andy look like they would be Moog, as a bench coach. in the top third of the I am glad to report that Western Conference Turco is out of his funk not the bottom third. On for 3 consecutive games the road, it’s a different and will be well-rested story. Only winning for the final 24 games just one game of their of the season. Turco thirteen outside of is playing with an Texas, the Stars need expiring contract, but to do something to GM Joe Nieuwendyk break this win at home/ says that there will be lose on the road story. no contract talk until We all know that .500 Photo Courtesy: Joe Lorenzini after the season.
February 10 - 16, 2010 7 - Tony Barone
- Tony Barone
UNT took care of business and won both games last week. They now have the best overall record in the Sun Belt Conference, but still trail Arkansas State by one win in conference play. Florida Atlantic came to town on a five-game winning-streak, but North Texas ended it, 86-69. They dominated this game with a 37-21 rebound difference and shot an impressive 64 percent from the field with five players scoring in double figures. Eric Tramiel led the way with 17 points and 8 rebounds plus a crowd-pleasing dunk over the opponent. George Odufuwa came up a rebound short of a fifth straight game with a doubledouble, finishing with 14 points and 9 rebounds. Saturday, they were in Miami not for the Super Bowl, but to avenge a loss to Florida International from back in December. This game was a battle all the way to the end. With less than five minutes left, they were down by 7 points, but finished with an 110 run to win 68-66. Tristan Thompson had 19 points and Odufuwa got his fifth doubledouble in six games. This week they will play last place New Orleans on Thursday and return home Saturday for a Denver match.
SMU went on the road this week hoping to improve their Conference USA standing. Things didn’t start well Tuesday as Gary Flowers scored 17 points to lead Southern Mississippi to a 56-53 victory. Trailing by 10 points with just over a minute left, SMU mounted a rally to cut the lead to 54-53 with 10 seconds left. A pair of free throws gave Southern Miss its final lead. SMU’s Derek Williams scored 24 points, but had a team-high five turnovers. Saturday, Williams scored 18 points. Papa Dia added 17 to lead SMU to a 66-48 victory over Tulane. After Tulane scored the opening basket, the Mustangs scored 21 of the next 23 points. SMU led 214 with 10:49 left in the first half. Tulane went on a 10-0 run and trailed 35-21 at the break. They never caught up, though, and SMU scored the final 10 points. SMU continues Conference USA play with a 4-4 record. Wednesday, the conference-leading UTEP Miners invade Moody. SMU will try to avenge an earlier season loss in El Paso. Saturday, the ‘Stangs try to sweep the season series with the Memphis Tigers on the road. SMU beat them January 30th in their best performance this season.
TCU hit the road for two Mountain West Conference games last week, but they were no match for the nationally-ranked No. 12 BYU Cougars, falling 76-56 Tuesday night. Jimmer Fredette scored 26 points for BYU, who won for the 17th time in the last 18 games. Greg Hill and Garlon Green had 11 points a piece for TCU, who are 010 against BYU in Mountain West regular season and tournament games. Saturday, Hill came off the bench to score a career-high 23 points. TCU ended a four-game losing streak with a 65-51 victory over Air Force. The Horned Frogs beat the Falcons for the 4th consecutive time. The Frogs find themselves with a dismal 3-6 record in conference play. They have seven regular season conference games left in a campaign clearly going nowhere. However, they could salvage the season with strong conference play the remainder of the year. That starts this week with games against two teams sharing space with the Frogs near the bottom of the conference standings. Tuesday, they entertain the Utah Runnin’ Utes, a team they lost to on January 9. Saturday, the Frogs travel to Cowboy country to take on Wyoming, a team they beat 62-59 last month.
Fanfest Recap The Texas Rangers held their annual Fanfest on January 30 at Rangers Ballpark with temperatures in the midtwenties. The weather did not stop feverish Rangers fans. I got there at 8:30 a.m., half an hour before the gates opened, and the line already went down two sides of the stadium. Apparently, I’m not the only one excited about the upcoming season. I spent the first two hours (besides thawing out) at four separate 30 minute Q&A sessions. It was an open forum where the fans get to ask the
questions. Ron Washington was first. He turned out to be more colorful than I’ve ever thought he was on television. He was funny… and focused on getting his team to post season play for the first time since 1999. He’s excited about the addition of Vladimir Guerrero and so am I. The lineup will be solid and players won’t have to worry about the man behind them. He also declared the catching position wide open and added that it’s about winning now. He likes Neftali Feliz out of the bullpen and said he will also be given a chance to start. He
- Craig Smith
NHL: Dallas vs Calgary
Thursday, Feb 11 – 8:30 p.m. – Saddle Dome - FS-SW In their last face-off, the Stars took the Flames into OT and then took them down in a shootout. The teams tend to get very physical (went to a boxing match and a hockey game broke out…). With the Olympic break just a few days away, look for intensity from both teams.
NHL: Dallas vs Phoenix
Saturday, Feb 13 – 7:00 p.m. – Jobing.com Arena – FS-SW In their Feb 6 match-up, the Stars dominated the Coyotes 4-0. However, in the prior meeting, Phoenix shut them out. The Stars are not known for their “road skills,” but this is anybody’s game. The Stars have the ability to beat Phoenix and a win would help push them towards a playoff spot.
by: Craig Smith “Sportsologist” - email@example.com
asked Feliz last year if he was tiring down at the end of season and his response was, “It’s ok to throw 93 sometimes.” I guess we can cut him a break since he routinely throws upper 90’s and 100. Nolan Ryan said he expects to win the American League West this year with the new additions and the young players that gained experience last season. He says there are ten guys competing for five starting spots, which is a contrast to 2008 when we were happy to just have one. He feels 18 year old Martin Perez
is the best left hander in all of the minors right now and is ranked 18th best prospect by mlb.com. Josh Hamilton says he is now “very healthy” and will have to adjust to putting up his other hand when running to the wall since he will now be playing left field. Michael Young is thinking about winning championships. He wants the fans to come out and fill the stands because he says a big home crowd really helps the team get energized. If the turn out on that cold Saturday is any indication, there will be plenty of fans in Arlington.
NBA All-Star Game
Sunday, Feb 14 – 6:00 p.m. - Cowboys Stadium – TNT Even though we don’t have a Mav playing (well…ok…Dirk is on reserve), there are still plenty of reasons to watch. First of all, they’re predicting the largest crowd in the history of the sport to turn out to Jerry World. And, uh, it’s at Jerry World. How big does the court need to be?
NBA: Dallas vs OK City
Tuesday, Feb 16 – 8:00 p.m. – OK Ford Center – FS-SW The Mavs have gone from red- hot to lukewarm, at best. Although Dallas is still first in their division, they are slipping back in the West. OKC seems far behind them on paper, but a few losses from the Mavs, and the Thunder will pass them up in the blink of an eye.
8 February 10 - 16, 2010
Top 5 Places in DFW to be on Fat
Tuesday It’s Fat Tuesday. You’re thirsty; very thirsty. You have a strange craving for Hurricanes and an overwhelming desire to toss shiny beads at strangers. What to do? Head on out to one of these hot spots and you’re sure to find a cure.
Multiple Metroplex Locations $10 Cover – razzoos.com This family-friendly Cajun restaurant is transformed into a jam-packed party come Fat Tuesday. Some locations put up an outdoor tent and feature live music and awesome drink specials.
Shuck N Jive
Multiple Metroplex Locations No Cover – shucknjive.com No special gimmicks here on Fat Tuesday because it’s always Mardi Gras at Shuck N Jive. Don’t be surprised if you walk in and find some co-eds dancing on the bar.
Multiple Metroplex Locations No Cover – sherlockspubco.com Who says the British can’t enjoy Mardi Gras? Sherlock’s will be featuring live music, a cart parade, a bead toss and drink specials.
Dodie’s Cajun Diner
Multiple Metroplex Locations No Cover – dodiestexas.com Not only does Dodie’s have authentic N’awlins grub, but they throw an annual party each year for Fat Tuesday. Expect this to be the closest thing to the real thing. Festivities vary by location.
Duke’s Original Roadhouse Addison/Bedford No Cover – dukesoriginalroadhouse.com Can’t wait to get the party started? Duke’s opens up at 8 a.m. with their heated tent for beer & beignets. We suggest stopping on your way to work. Later, enjoy their crawfish-eating contest, live music, radio personalities and the World’s shortest Mardi Gras Parade.
T Bourbon by: Eric Kendall
“The 24 Hour Hangover”
in the Beginning
he historic Bourbon Street in New Orleans is one of the most notorious streets in the U.S. Sure, it’s primarily known for drunken college co-eds flashing their goods for inexpensive beads, but its history is much richer than most realize. Bourbon Street started in 1718 when the French claimed Louisiana and charged Jean Baptiste Le Moyne de Bienville with developing a colony that could become a vital trade route. It was laid out to run parallel of the Mississippi River and to this day runs through the center of the French Quarter. Booze a plenty can be found on Bourbon Street, but that’s not how it got its name. Hard to believe, I know. “Rue Bourbon,” as it was known originally, was named in honor of the ruling family in France at that time, the Royal House of Bourbon. History also holds some irony for Bourbon and the French Quarter. After the colony got up and running, fire and Mother Nature ravished the original French structures. France put it on the auction block and sold it to the highest bidder – Spain. So despite its French heritage, much of the architecture in the Quarter is actually more of Spanish influence. So this history lesson is fine and dandy, but I know you are probably wondering… when did all the partying start? Let’s fast forward a bit to the 1900’s. Bourbon Street sprouted in the new
century with a reputation for sin with its very own red-light district. It was well known for its naughty vaudeville acts and prostitution. The district was shut down in 1917, but still left its imprint on the future of the street. It wasn’t until the ‘50s that Bourbon really started taking shape. Neon lights lit up the street. Nightclubs began lining its interiors, offering an excessive menu of exotic dancers, stripteases and burlesque shows. Many sailors on shore leave would stroll the street eager to take part in its temptations. Much of the decadent atmosphere you see today your Grandpappy probably saw in his hay-day, as well. Um…where did he say he met your Grandma again? Amid all of the carnal wonder, Bourbon Street also has some remarkable historical buildings. One of the most luxurious hotels in New Orleans, the Royal Sonesta, resides on Bourbon. Lafitte’s Blacksmith Shop was built in 1772 as a cover for the family’s business endeavors and still stands today as a popular restaurant and bar. The Absinthe House was erected in 1806 as a family-owned import company, but, in 1874, somehow ended up with a saloon on the ground floor. Today, you can still walk in and imbibe. However you look at it, the bottom line is that Bourbon Street solidified its reputation as the street that never sleeps. So the next time you head to Mardi Gras, before you chug that hand grenade and black out in an alley…take a look around and absorb it all.
February 10 - 16, 2010 9
Celebrity Game Feb/12/5:30pm The most glamorous event of the weekend is the NBA All-Star Celebrity Game. Stars from film, television and music come together to represent teams in the NBA and play for the win! Past competitors include Justin Timberlake, Jamie Foxx and Taye Diggs. All-Star Practice Feb/13/10:30am Watch the All Stars tune up for the game! This may be your only chance to see the reserves in action: Maverick Dirk Nowitzki, Toronto forward Chris Bosh (attended Lincoln High in Dallas) and Utah point guard Deron Williams (hometown: The Colony)--just to name a few.
by: Tony Barone
“Senior Sports Authority”
The Dallas Mavericks host the 2010 NBA All Star Game on February 14 at Cowboys Stadium in Arlington. If your significant other doesn’t let you out of the traditional Valentine’s Day festivities to attend the game, then here are some other cool events happening prior to game day in Dallas.
Rookie Game Feb/12/8pm Watch the NBA’s best Rookies take on the best Sophomore Players. Afterwards, listen for the Hall of Fame nomination announcement. All Star Night Feb/13/7:00pm This includes four competitions. The Haier Shooting Stars competition features NBA and WNBA Players and Legends in a shooting contest. The Taco Bell Skills Challenge is a contest of top guards working against the clock to complete a series of passes, free throws, layups and agility drills. The Foot Locker Three-Point Shootout is where six of the best long-range shooters compete against each other…and the clock. The evening’s grand finale, the Sprite Slam Dunk Contest, will showcase defending champ Nate Robinson of the Knicks, the Bobcat’s Gerald Wallace and the Lakers’ Shannon Brown, as they take to the air with gravity-defying creativity.
Tickets for these events, with the exception of the All Star Saturday Night, are available at ticketmaster.com. For more information, visit www.nba.com/allstar2010.
by: Jennifer Wayne
“The Foxie Party Chick”
We aren’t going to waste your time with a long list of half-ass parties. Here’s where the celebrities are going to be: Plush Nightclub 1400 Main St, Dallas 888-657-5874 Thursday Feb. 11 at 10 p.m. Grammy Super Producers Play-N-Skillz will be on hand to provide the music. The Dallas Desire will be there for eye candy. Ken Hamlin, Andre Gurode and Tashard Choice will be there hanging out. Tickets are $20-$2000 through partychaser.com
Palladium Ballroom 1135 South Lamar, Dallas 972-343-2444 Friday Feb. 12 at 9 p.m. Six DJs will be on hand. Tickets start at $75, but if you want to sit with Josh Howard, you’re looking at around $4000. To sit with P. Diddy himself, tap into savings for that extra $10,000. Tickets available at allstarweekend2010.com
Mantus Lounge 1520 Main Street, Dallas 214-744-2222 Thursday Feb. 11 at 9 p.m. Spend an evening with the BALLERS this NBA All-Star Weekend hosted by Dallas Cowboys #96 Marcus Spears and all of his celebrity friends. This will be a star studded red carpet affair. Tickets are $40$2000 through partychaser.com
Go Fish Ocean Club 5301 Alpha Rd, Dallas 972-980-1919 Saturday Feb. 13 at 2 p.m. The Best All-Star Weekend Daytime party (the only one we know of) is hosted by BET 106 & Park’s own Terrence J. Have a martini at this fabulous 2 story Miami style venue. $40 at the door.
Jam Session Feb/11–13 NBA All-Star Jam Session features over 11 acres of NBA All-Star excitement, where the chance to meet & collect FREE autographs from NBA Players & Legends is just the beginning!
10 February 10 - 16, 2010 1986 NBA All-Star Game Reunion Arena
by: Jayson Larson
“Man on the Inside”
Attendance: 16,573 Score: East 139, West 132 MVP: Isiah Thomas 1986 • #1 Billboard Song: “That’s What Friends Are For” by Dionne Warwick, Elton John, Gladys Knight • Dallas Cowboys: 7-9 (3rd place), Head Coach Tom Landry • Texas Rangers: 87-75 (2nd place), Manager Bobby Valentine • Dallas Mavericks: 44-38 (lost in conference semis to LA Lakers), Head Coach Dick Motta • Top Grossing Movie: Top Gun ($176.7 million) • Top Rated TV Show: The Cosby Show • College Football Champion: Penn St. • NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship: Louisville 72-69 over Duke (also at Reunion Arena) 2010 NBA All-Star Game Cowboys Stadium Attendance: Expected to be over 80,000 2010 • #1 Billboard Song (Currently:) “Tik Tok” by Ke$ha • Dallas Cowboys: 11-5 (1st place, lost in division round), Head Coach Wade Phillips • Texas Rangers: 87-75 (2nd place), Manager Ron Washington • Dallas Mavericks: 50-32 (lost in conf semis to Denver) Head Coach Rick Carlisle • Top Grossing Movie: Avatar ($554 million) • Top Rated TV Show: American Idol • College Football Champion: Alabama • NCAA Men’s Basketball Champion: North Carolina 89-72 over Michigan St.
Joe Johnson, Atlanta Hawks Rajon Rondo, Boston Celtics
Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat Allen Iverson, Philadelphia 76ers
Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls
LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers
Chris Bosh, Toronto Raptors Paul Pierce, Boston Celtics Gerald Wallace, Charlotte Bobcats Al Horford, Atlanta Hawks
Kevin Garnett, Boston Celtics Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic
February 10 - 16, 2010 11 1972 All-Star Game – Mr. Clutch This game was played before my time but you’ve got to appreciate Jerry West hitting a game winner in front of the hometown L.A. fans. That’s why he’s the logo.
2001 All-Star Game – Beast from the East? The Western Conference dominance had reached ridiculous proportions. Led by game MVP Allen Iverson, the East fell to a 20-point deficit early, but furiously battled the bigger West team to a 111-110 victory. 1993 All-Star Game – Dynamic Duo When it comes to the NBA, there might not be a more iconic team-up than Stockton and Malone. They never won the big trophy, but it was good to watch Karl and John hoist some hardware together after the overtime thriller. 1986 Three-Point Shootout – Larry Legend Already the winner of the first two contests, Larry Bird walked into the locker room, eyed the other contestants and asked them who’s coming in second. We all know what happened after that. 1992 All-Star Game – Magic comes back Magic put the world on notice in November of 2001 when he abruptly retired after contracting the HIV virus. The fans still voted Magic in and he completely dominated and won the MVP to bring greater awareness to the disease and cause. 1991 Three-Point Shootout – Hodges hits 19 Before ’91 Larry Bird held the record for consecutive shots in the shootout with eleven. Craig Hodges hit nineteen. That’s nineteen consecutive triples under pressure. 1986 Slam Dunk Contest – Small Potato Spud Webb won the ’86 dunk contest. Beat Dominique, his teammate, in the final round with a perfect 150 point score. He’s 5’7”. 2008 Slam Dunk Contest – Superman Dwight Howard’s performance deserves greater recognition because he reenergized the dunk contest during a period of waning interest in the event. BLITZ PICK: GREATEST ALL-STAR MOMENT 1988 Slam Dunk Contest – The Human Highlight v. His Airness The final round pitted ’Nique’s power against Jordan’s acrobatics. Jordan won with the infamous free throw dunk that was cemented in NBA legend forever.
Steve Nash, Phoenix Suns
Kobe Bryant, LA Lakers Carmelo Anthony, Denver Nuggets Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs Amar’e Stoudemire, Phoenix Suns
Chris Paul, New Orleans Hornets Brandon Roy, Portland Trail Blazers Deron Williams, Utah Jazz Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder
Dirk Nowitzki, Dallas Mavericks Zach Randolph, Memphis Grizzlies Pau Gasol, LA Lakers
by: Geoff Case
February 10 - 16, 2010 13 “Girl with Taste”
Guy’s Guide to Valentine’s Day on the Cheap:
Star Gazing It may sound cheesy and straight out of “A Walk to Remember,” but there’s no girl that wouldn’t like this. Grab a blanket, a bottle of wine or champagne, some good tunes and find a good isolated spot to stare up at the skies and have a good conversation. Drive-In Movie You may have to spend a few dollars for you and your date, but this beats going to a movie theater. You have the privacy of your own car and there is not a bad seat in the lot. Dinner and a Movie at Home This beats the typical dinner and movie out on the town because it is more meaningful. Find out what she likes and cook a homemade meal for her. Pop in a flick that neither of you have seen before (not that kind) and enjoy the privacy of your own home. Outdoor Picnic Considering it is February, this may or may not work, but if we’re lucky, a beautiful sunny day will appear. If this occurs, plan a fun picnic for two. Find a spot in the park, by a lake or under a tree. Don’t forget a blanket and make homemade sandwiches and chocolate-covered strawberries for dessert.
Trip to the Zoo Chances are, you haven’t been to the zoo since a field trip in grade school, but if you both love animals and don’t want to do anything too crazy, then the zoo is the perfect place to walk around holding hands while having a few laughs.
Valentine’s Day on the Town:
Concert Tickets Impress your date by finding concert tickets to her favorite band or singer. If they aren’t in town, there are always smaller concerts being held in the DFW area with up and coming musicians. Go to www.ticketmaster.com to find out who will be in town in February. Billy Bob’s Fort Worth I’m sure you have been to this famous Honky Tonk before, but have you been there with a date? It’s a fun experience without your friends. Dress up in your best jeans and boots and lead your girl out onto the dance floor to twostep while listening to the great live music and partaking in their wide drink selection. 2520 Rodeo Plaza Fort Worth 817-624-7117 www.billybobstexas.com
Ghost Bar at the W Hotel It’s always fun to get really dressed up and loosen up with a few cocktails and good dance music. Going to a club may not be the best place to have a conversation with your date, but the W always provides a good time. 2440 Victory Park Ln. Dallas 214-397-4100 www.whotels.com
by: Peggy Kilpatrick
The Dome at Reunion Tower It is one of the most recognizable structures in downtown Dallas and for a good reason. You may have to cash out a few bucks for this date, but the slow-spinning ball at the top of Reunion Tower holds a Wolfgang Puck restaurant called Five Sixty with a view of the entire DFW area. Oh yeah, the food ain’t bad either! 300 Reunion Blvd Dallas, Texas 75202 214-741-5560 www.wolfgangpuck.com NBA-All Star Game Love AND basketball. Everyone wins! www.nba.com
Don’t Be A Valentine’s Day Sucker
alentine’s Day is a big fat pain in the ass for most guys. Yeah, there are some guys who are so in love (or completely under the thumb of a dominating girlfriend) that they shell out for the flowers, the Kay Jewelers special necklace of tacky and a poem lifted from Moliere or E. E. Cummings. But I know, as a woman, that it’s an errand that the world around you says you must attend to or there will be hell to pay. Some of you boys may be out there thanking your luck that you’re not in a relationship on Valentine’s Day. You don’t have to spend money on a movie you don’t want to see, like something starring Matthew McConaughey. I myself do not give a rat’s behind about Valentine’s Day. It’s not that I want to be treated like a princess everyday of the year and not just one specific day in the dead of winter. No, it’s just that I am so sick of the commercialization of Saint Valentine. Think of another flower for chrissake! I also feel sorry for all those who are feeling a little lonely and unloved. It really sucks to be reminded everywhere you go and every other commercial pitching Valentine’s Day related products. But I can only speak for myself in that regard. I will, however, give you a little insight into women in general when it comes to this inconvenient holiday.
by: Jesse Whitman
“A Woman’s Perspective”
For most single girls, Valentine’s Day can seriously suck. It’s national reminder day that you’re alone. Even if you love being single, all the PDA (puke), listening to what your friend’s boyfriend bought them (or more likely didn’t buy them) and the concerned phone call from your mom checking up on you, gets real old, real fast. The worst thing a single girl wants to hear on or around February 14th is “you will find someone soon,” that drives some girls to scream. Some single girls will take Valentine’s Day to do a treatment. It’s a sort of “I Love Me” day where we may go get a manicure or pedicure. Some might go shopping for sexy lingerie or if we are really depressed, we may go shopping for something very special like a new “personal toy!” I personally like the girls who just go and do an extra long workout at the gym. We know it’s the best thing for us in the long run because if we are single it’s always smart to feel good and a good workout does the trick for many. The fact is, for both men and women, we got sucked into the image of Valentine’s Day and it’s silly. It’s one day in the year and in 24 hours it is gone and the calendar keeps moving. There are much better things to do than buy into the products they are selling at the local drug store. A nice dinner, though, is always appreciated.
14 February 10 - 16, 2010 blitzweekly.com
The Pick of the Week:
by: The Bum
Photos Courtesy: The Bum
When the subject of barbeque is brought up, my response is always the same: “The best barbeque in Dallas ... is in Fort Worth… at Angelo’s.”
Angelo’s is an old wood-sided barbeque joint in an industrial area, founded in 1958. Inside is a 30 foot bar flanked by the 2 biggest moose heads I’ve ever seen.
You get in line and order at the counter. Angelo’s ribs are absolutely outstanding. You will rarely find ribs as meaty as this, or as perfectly seasoned and cooked with meat 3 times the width of the narrow bone. For most of us, the half rib plate is plenty, but the full plate is a feast and I doubt that you’ll leave any ribs behind. The sandwiches and brisket are also well above average. It’s worth the drive.
Fat Tuesday Party! Crawfish & Shrimp Boil
7:30 Live Music with Buzz Andrews Beads For Everyone Door Prizes Great Drink and Beer Prices
The beer is the coldest in Ft. Worth. When they ask what you want to drink, simply say, “a Large,” which is a frosted 18 oz. beer schooner. Angelo’s also has one of those beer licenses that allow you to buy a 6-pack or case of beer at the bar and carry out. And you can legally bring in a bottle of hard liquor, if you want – and buy a coke and pour in your own Jack Daniels. No questions asked.
Plenty of stuffed critters on the walls. A large stuffed bear greets you at the front door. Concrete floors, 1950’s tables & chairs, regulars at the bar…it doesn’t get any more “Texas” than this.
The Bottom Line:
Every state has its own particular style and flavor of barbeque ribs. When it comes to Texas-style – which is obviously the best – I can promise that you won’t top Angelo’s.
BEER & DRINK SPECIALS
Wednesday Nights are Stupid Movie Night This Week: Talladega Nights $3 U-Call-Its 601 Cross Timbers #108 Flower Mound 972-539-1717 www.pointafternorth.com
Angelo’s Bar-B-Que 2533 White Settlement Rd 817-332-0357 • angelosbbq.com
February 10 - 16, 2010 15 by: David Goodspeed
“A Heavy Foot and High Opinion”
Cadillac and Crème Brulee
hen General Motors held its annual media new product preview, oddly, there was no mention of Cadillac, especially odd since Cadillac is launching two all-new vehicles this year. Questions were put to rest, though, during a unique event, “Cadillac’s Culinary Media Tour,” an afternoon combining food from the area’s top chefs and test-driving the latest offerings from the automaker. Our afternoon began with a walk-around of the fastest production sedan built – the supercharged 550hp Cadillac CTS-V. Did I mention we were driving the vehicles from one venue to the next? My early arrival was rewarded with the first turn behind the wheel of this demonic luxury sport sedan. The updated navigation system came in handy as I am not that familiar with the Las Colinas area. I’m not one for voice recognition systems, but it does work well, as does the adjustable sport/tour suspension and, of course, the hotrod engine – a 6.2-liter V-8 with Eaton supercharger backed by choice of six-speed manual or automatic gearboxes – capable of making 0-60 runs in under 4 seconds. (Yes, it does.) I would say this CTS-V is my new favorite sedan. They start at about 36 grand, but expect to pay northward of 60 large for the V-series. Next stop: the La Cima Club atop the
tallest building in Las Colinas with a gorgeous view, including Jerry Jones’ old and new stadiums. The culinary treats here, courtesy Chef Mark Pappas, included duck and brie taquitos—Yum! The vehicle walk-around at this stopover was the new SRX from Cadillac. The 2010 model replaces the wagon-ish SRX previously offered, with the new model on GM’s great new crossover platform already utilized by the Chevy Equinox and GMC Terrain. The SRX is powered by a direct-injected 3.0-liter V-6 making 265hp or, coming soon, a turbocharged 2.8-liter six cranking out more than 300 ponies in all-wheel-drive format. The new SRX is living up to its marketing hype as being “the Cadillac of crossovers.” It takes what I enjoyed about the Equinox to the next level and then some. Pricing starts at around 33-and-a-third. The vehicle takes what I enjoyed about the Equinox to the next level and then some. Next stop: the Four Seasons. Chef Christof Syre served his wonderful butternut squash soup with eggnog froth and chocolate and crème brulee mousse dessert. The vehicle we enjoyed at this stopover was the new wagon from Cadillac, the CTS Sport Wagon. Wagons haven’t gotten much love over the past few decades and Chevy Chase didn’t do them any favors in his vacation movie. Make no mistake – the 2010 CTS Sport Wagon is no
High in Space to Get Blitzed by: Tunde A. Obazee
As the world stood still, glued to their televisions sets, watching with horror and sadness the devastation taking place in Haiti, some NASA employees were packing up supplies for the next space flight. It was reported that a bag of cocaine was found inside the tightly access controlled Space Shuttle Hanger. The authorities are still sniffing around the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, trying to determine who actually took the baggy to the hanger and what their intent was. “Why would someone place an illegal drug in the hanger of the space shuttle,” we all asked. Our astronauts are like angels; they float in the heavens and call it “space walk.” They boldly go where no man has gone before. There couldn’t possibly be a “coke head” among them. Ah! Some space aliens ordered the fine “Earth Dust” and some of our goodwill ambassadors wanted to give them the good stuff. Despite the fact that tests have shown
that it is truly cocaine; I will dare to say that it is “Angel Dust.” But who am I to dispute the findings of the tests. I was told by my very intelligent son that NASA uses duct tape to restrain astronauts that occasionally lose their mind during space
family “truckster.” The vehicle is very stable on road, even when tossing it through some corners and curves. And none of the usual rumble from road noise given all the rear glass. This baby is tight – rock solid. This is a CTS sedan with more cargo room and a power-lift gate. It comes with identical power-train choices as its sedan counterpart and offers roof rails, fold-flat split rear seats and a unique cargo management system. Pricing begins at 40 grand, but can climb to the mid-50s when loaded to the gills. Our final destination brought us back to our starting point--Via Real restaurant. A delicious slice of scallop over a fried mash of potato began our afternoon and a perfect hunk of tenderloin served on a flaming plank of wood tableside finished it (I almost dialed 911 when I saw the flames coming towards the table). When anyone combines two of my favorite things in the same event, you’ve won me over.
travel. I found that a cruel and unusual treatment of a professional. He implied that the “Angel Dust” was there to be sprinkled on any astronaut who got gripped by the fear of the darkness of space. Although I do not condone the abuse of drugs, I agree that “angel dust” would be better than duct tape. The fact is that it doesn’t take a million dollar investigation to figure out who or what the intent was. Over the years, there have been several experiments conducted in space with all sorts of powders, drugs, insects, animals, etc. What is the big deal about this particular baggy? Somebody forgot to log in their desired experimental experiment. It was the intent of the chief scientist to give a new meaning to “space flight.” The experiment was to determine the effect of being high in space--in other words, getting blitzed in weightlessness. That would have been an experience out of this world for those bored astronauts. Well, now that we know that cocaine was found inside the space shuttle, I wonder if the feds are going to come down on Kennedy Space Center to confiscate the shuttle and NASA assets like they do to regular citizens in possession of controlled substance? I heard that
the feds auction confiscated stuff real cheap. I am offering a $1.00 bid for the shuttle. I hope I win. Tunde A. Obazee is the host of Point Blank from 10:00 a.m.-noon, Monday through Friday, on RationalBroadcasting.com.
Photos Courtesy: David Goodspeed
By: Sybil Summers
Top 10 PantyDropping Movies Forget reservations at a crowded restaurant, if you really want to impress her on Valentine’s Day, cook her dinner, take a bubble bath together and then cuddle up to one of these classic movies. 10. Dirty Dancing (1987) - Hopefully afterward she’ll let you put your baby in her corner. 9. The Notebook (2004) - You’ll get points for watching a sappy tearjerker, and it’s much better than Titanic. 8. Rachel Getting Married (2008) - Awkward family scenes + Great soundtrack= Charming wedding movie. 7. Summer Lovers (1982) - She’ll never know you’re only watching it for the young Darryl Hannah/hot French girl three-way. 6. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008) - Afterall, what girl doesn’t swoon over Brad Pitt? Even an 85year-old Brad Pitt. 5. Closer (2004) - She can drool over Jude Law, and you get to ogle over Natalie Portman as a stripper. High five! 4. Boomerang (1992) - Best line o’ the movie? “Love shoulda brought your ass home last night!” 3. Romeo & Juliet (1996) - The Baz Luhrmann version, not the one we watched in grade school. 2. Cruel Intentions (1999) - The supersexy undertones of this movie should send her panties flying. Bonus: Girl-ongirl kissing. 1. The Reader (2008) Three words: Full. Frontal. Nudity.
February 10 - 16, 2010 17
DOWN 1. Needlefish 2. An uncle 3. Edge 4. Back then 5. Exploit the power of 6. Ragout 7. Heap 8. Cain’s brother 9. Not a bro 10. Imposing in size or bulk 11. Construct 12. Bay window 13. Licoricelike flavor 18. Leak slowly 22. Metric unit of area 23. What a book is called 24. Mistake 25. Heath 26. Glance 27. Taunt 29. Hemorrhagic fever 30. The outer layer of the Earth 31. Big cat 34. Donated 35. Warning 36. Not tidy 38. Scarce 39. Pickable 41. The growing of food 42. Retaining 43. ___ green 44. Creative work 45. Dromedary 46. Overweight 47. Holdup 50. Largest continent 51. Not more 52. 1 1 1 1 55. Neither ___ 56. Black gunk 57. Anagram of “Aid” 58. Very Important Person 59. Before
Blitz Weekly Funnies for the Week Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home. Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won’t do. Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer. Q: How is a computer like Britney Spears? A: They’re both cheap, white and plastic.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. “Wow,” says the bartender, “Something bad must have happened.” “Yeah it did,” the guy said. “I came home early today, went up to the bedroom and found my wife having sex with my best friend.” The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. “This one’s on the house.” The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks, “Did you say anything to your wife?” The guy answers, “Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bags and get out!” “What about your friend,” asks the bartender. “I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘BAD DOG’.”
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 21)
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Even though your guidance counselor said that you could, you can’t reach the stars. Give up now, you’ll never amount to much. It seems like everything is going well in your life; it is not.
After getting hit by a comet and surviving as a vegetable, you will develop amnesia and sleep with your father, only to find he actually quite liked it.
Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
Sagittarius(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20)
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
You were abducted by aliens 3 days ago. They took out your brain, examined it and decided that you were not intelligent enough for further experimentation.
Sometime around 6:00 p.m. your face will start to itch. Do NOT scratch. Go immediately to your doctor, who will diagnose you with a rare disorder called scratchalis.
Do you know just how irritating you are to others? There is a small hole in the bottom of your head. Your brains are starting to leak out and you are losing your mind quickly.
We know you will not heed this warning, so after you have used the toothpaste, go immediately to your nearest emergency room and explain what has happened.
So you’ve made a few mistakes, and now you’re stuck with the consequences. Stop fooling yourself and others. You are vain and dislike honest criticism.
Some Leos decide to be homosexual, even if they aren’t, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them.
I predict lots of scented oils, imaginative game play and something that looks like a medieval torture device. Everyone around you hates you.
Life is full of ups and downs and the only thing you can do is hold on tight and scream for help. You should avoid standing still too long, as you tend to root.
Your arrogance is disgusting. You’re shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. Don’t do something stupid like last time; try to control your temper, perhaps things will turn out better than you expect them to.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Convert all of your money to cash and offer it to the gods by burning it in a bonfire in the city park. Consider yourself lucky - a jail cell is better than a park bench.
ACROSS 1. Jewish unit of weight 6. Paroxysm 11. Constrictor 14. Spanish for “(girl) friend” 15. Leg bone 16. Ashes holder 17. Without mercy or pity 19. Three in Roman numerals 20. Handrail post 21. Periods of discounted prices 23. Native American tent 27. A woman’s close-fitting foundation garment 28. Regardless 32. Attempts 33. Make illegal payments 34. Leg (slang) 37. Deadbolt 38. French for “Red” 39. Anger 40. Earned Run Average 41. Bogus 42. Homes for bees 43. Airborne soldiers 45. Stick together 48. A full supply 49. Perpendicular to the keel 50. Not silently 53. Japanese apricot 54. Callous 60. S 61. Bing, bang or boom 62. Low point 63. Allow 64. Not Astroturf 65. Raisin
18 February 10 - 16, 2010
The Dinner Party The dinner started off as well as could be expected, given the fact that the eight of us had hardly seen each other in the past year. My girlfriend and I had gone over to my friend Dave’s house early to help cook and get stuff ready for people to show up. Dave’s girlfriend, Spring, had spent hours cooking us an amazing dinner and it was the least I could do to open a bag of chips and pour them into a bowl for an appetizer. I can cook two things – canned soup and... okay, I can cook one thing. But I can appreciate the hard work that goes into making a meal for a crap ton of people, which is one reason why I worship my microwave. By the time everyone arrived, I began to notice one couple staring at the food on the stove with a look of disgust. “Is this, like, meat…,” said the girlfriend. “Like, uh, a cow?” I looked down at the amazing flank steaks and looked back at the couple. “Uh, well, it used to be a cow. Now it’s amazing.” They looked up at me like I had just shot their kid while I slept with their mom.
by: Pat MoranThrone”
“Man on his Throne” - firstname.lastname@example.org
“Dude,” the guy says, putting his arm around the girl, “We’re Vegan. Well, I mean, she’s Vegan and I’m vegetarian. We’re better than that. What do you have that we can eat?” I looked around, my head reeling from this hippie douche baggery, and saw pretty much everything had meat. “Well, we can just eat later. Don’t worry about us.” They sat, angrily, the rest of the night and refused to eat anything. And I don’t mind. Vegans and Veggies don’t all suck. People have their own way of living and I am not one to judge. That is, until your stupid way of life begins to effect everyone else. I think that if you are a “Veggie,” you should bring your own food or call ahead well in advance. Nobody gives a crap that you think meat is murder. Nobody gives a crap about the way you eat. But don’t make me suffer and don’t expect me to care. Go eat a salad, you stupid Veg.