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BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile / Movie Reviews 4 Blitz Music: The Halloween Playlist 5 World Series Preview 6 UNT / SMU / TCU Previews 7 Dallas Cowboys Week 8 Preview 8 COVER STORY: Halloween Visit Electrique Boutique 9 Zombies, People and Movies 10 BLITZ BABE: Farrah 12 Being Badass 13 Restaurant Review: Masaryk 14 Blitz Toys 15 The Fan Top 10: Baddest Mustaches 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: The Most Useless Job 18 PUBLISHER / EDITOR Kelly Reed CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER: Photographer: Darryl Briggs Models: Gloria (witch) & Ashley (cheerleader) Special Thanks to: Electrique Boutique Graphic Designer: Damien William Mayfield PHOTOGRAPHERS Ronnie Baker, Darryl Briggs, Steven Hendrix, Matt Pearce, Brandon Uhr CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Joe Avezzano, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Dennis Hambright, Rich Hancock, Andrew J. Hewett, Peggy Kilpatrick, Frank LaCosta, Jason Miller, Pat Moran, Craig Smith, Eddie Stephens, Michael Stern, Joe Stumpo, Sybil Summers, Jennifer Wayne and Jesse Whitman ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed SALES REPRESENTATIVES Johnny Horton, Patrick Marshall CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 Copyright 2009 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at

QUOTE OF THE WEEK “The devil’s voice is sweet to hear.” -- Stephen King

VOL. 2 - ISSUE 10

Oct. 28 - Nov 3, 2009 3



There’s been a lot of speculation and fear about the end of the world corresponding with the end of the Mayan calendar on Dec. 21, 2012. Sony’s doomsday film “2012,” set for release next month and based on the prediction that the world will end in three years, has put a spotlight on the theory. A NASA scientist is trying to quell those fears and has condemned the film and the company’s viral marketing campaign, The Washington Post reports. Sony has set up a fake web site for an organization called the Institute for Human Continuity which predicts the demise of the Earth using scientific language. The site suggests “that in 2012 a series of cataclysmic forces will wreak havoc on our planet.” It details what the world would be like after 2012, offers survival kits and asks people to sign up for a lottery to be saved. All of this is a little too realistic for

Andrew J. Hewett

Dr. David Morrison, a senior scientist at NASA’s Astrobiology Institute. Morrison says he’s gotten nearly 1,000 e-mails from people who believe something catastrophic is about to befall the planet. He added that some of the letters have been from teenagers who said they would rather commit suicide than watch the world come to an end. Sony claims it’s obvious the web site is a promotion for the movie. “It is very clear that this site is connected to a fictional movie,” Vikki Luya, Sony’s publicity director said. “This can readily be seen in the logos on the site.” Another planet colliding with Earth, the Sun becoming a supernova and incinerating the Earth, and global flooding are among the theories that some people think will cause the end of world on Dec. 21, 2012.

Farm Girls Calendar Aims to Make Agriculture Alluring Hoping to make working in agriculture more attractive to younger Germans, a Bavarian farming association has presented the latest edition of a calendar showing farm girls in erotic poses. The 2010 Young Farm Girls Calendar is meant to be “an homage to all the young women farmers in Germany who support agricultural work in a self-confident and fun manner,” according to the web site of the Association of Young Bavarian Farmers. Inspired by a similar rural pinup calendar started in neighbouring Austria in 2001, the group has expanded beyond using only comely Bavarian lasses for a tribute to pan-

German pastoral beauty. “We want to present young farmers as modern and open-minded entrepreneurs and do away with the antiquated image and do away with preconceptions,” said Elisabeth Köstinger, the chairwoman of Association of Young Austrian Farmers, in a statement. The calendar shows scantily clad women posing in various bucolic or farmland landscapes. For example, Miss July stands in a field of wheat sporting pigtails and a corset with a tractor in the distance, while Miss September attends to cider vats wearing a gossamer nightshirt.

IS AMERICA A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT? During President Reagan’s 1985 second term swearing in, Robert Latta, a Denver, Colorado, water meter reader, followed 33 members of the U.S. Marine Orchestra into the White House. He then wandered around the Executive Mansion for 14 minutes, before being arrested. THE PRODUCTS THEY SELL REALLY STINK Until recent years, dogs used in search and rescue operations to find human bodies were trained using human flesh and bones cut from cadavers. Now, thanks to companies such as Sigma Aldrich Chemicals, that’s no longer necessary. The main scents, which are shipped in small convenient bottles, come in several types. One, Pseudo Corpse 1, imitates the smell of bodies dead less than thirty days. Pseudo Corpse 2, is used when searching for bodies dead over thirty days. And, yet another simulates the smell of a drowning victim. WELL, DEAD IS DEAD NO MATTER HOW On a Wednesday, March 5, 1726, a human head was found floating near a dock in Westminster (London), England. Hoping to learn its identity, the head was dried, its hair combed, then placed on the end of a pole, before being displayed on a main public road. It turned out to be a local, John Hayes. His wife, Catherine, was found guilty of hiring Thomas Wood, a butcher, to remove this upper part of her husband. (She was found guilty, and burned alive.)

4 Oct. 28 - Nov 3, 2009


Wa s t i n g o u r m o n ey s o yo u d o n ’t h a ve t o !

Vivian Fullerlove

“Entertainment’s Real Critic”

It’s the end of the world again! Only this time, we were warned. I’m sure you’ve seen the billboards…EVERYWHERE. 2012, which is being touted as the ultimate apocalypse movie, is opening in a few weeks, and I can’t wait to see how the demise of human kind will be brought about by co-writer and director Roland Emmerich. Never before has a date in history been so significant to so many cultures, so many religions, scientists, and governments. A global cataclysm brings an end to the world and tells of the heroic struggle of the survivors. We caught up with the film’s star John Cusack to talk to him about the film and our fascination with Armageddon. What is the story behind the story of this movie? It’s basically about the Mayan prophecy regarding 2012 coming true and that there’s actually a scientific due date on it. There’s going to be an event that happens that coincides with the prediction of the end of the world in 2012. And you can’t have the end of the world looming without some kind of government conspiracy theory, right? Right. You find out that the government has been planning for it because they’ve seen it coming scientifically, but if they’d told six billion people there would have been no way to save some vestige of the human race.

Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant

By: Joe Stumpo -

Based on a comic book series I never heard of, I had to go to Barnes and Noble’s website for verification. Don’t be fooled by the talented cast of Circus Freak characters that includes Willem Dafoe as the Vampire Nosferatu, Salma Hayek as a Bearded Lady, Ken Watanabe as the circus conductor, Mr. Tall, who boasts an incredibly large forehead, and John C Reilly as Vampire Larten Crepsley. I haven’t even covered the plot that makes no sense about a young kid (Chris Massoglia) chosen to be Crepsley’s “Vampire’s Assistant” who gets into a war between the circus freaks and another group of vampires called “Vampanzees”. This might just be the first Vampire movie where I wished a coffin was nearby where I could crash for a good hour and a half after losing interest within the first 20 minutes. Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant literally sucks the life blood out of you.


What is the objective of your character in the movie? My character, Jackson, finds out about the government plot and just tries to save his family. It seems like this genre of film always translates to huge box office dollars. Why do you think people are so drawn to these huge disaster movies? People can visualize the worst thing happening as some sort of release of their fears. So if you have some sort of collective, psychic worry about global warming or nuclear war or any of these types of things, when you see it happen maybe there’s some kind of release that comes with it. I think also that huge government conspiracies, those things, all sort of get the imagination going. But, I don’t know why people love them so much, but they do. Roland Emmerich co-wrote and directed this film. He also did Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow and Godzilla to name a few. He is definitely one of the masters of the genre. What was it like working with him? He’s got a great reputation. Everyone really likes him and being in his movies. Some people who make movies of this scale and scope can be a little bit tyrannical, but he’s very relaxed and a very nice, pleasant person to be around. When you meet him and see that he’s this laid back, cool guy that’s also an incentive. If you have to spend five months with someone, it’s nice if you like them. 2012 opens nationwide in November. We’ll have interviews with more of the cast in coming weeks. In the meantime you can check out some of the amazing clips from the film at For more of this week’s new movies and your favorite celebs, check out my show Reel Critics on Time Warner Cable Video on Demand under the North Texas Programming tab!

Halloween (1978)

By: Joe Stumpo -

So the young boy asks his babysitter (Jamie Lee Curtis), “Laurie what’s the boogeyman?” “There’s no such thing,” says Laurie. By night’s end, Laurie Strode will tragically reconsider what she told the kid hours earlier. Director John Carpenter’s independent horror suspense thriller cost him only $320,000 to make with a shooting schedule that lasted only 21 days. Upon its release on October 25, 1978, the film grossed close to $50 million at the time. Halloween’s critical praise and high box office numbers can obviously be compared to today’s financial successes like The Blair Witch Project (1999) and Paranormal Activity, now in theaters. By movie’s end, not only are we not assured that the psychotic killer in the William Shatner mask known as Michael Myers is indeed dead thanks to the raspy breathing we hear. We’re also convinced that yes, there really is such a thing as “the boogeyman.”

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Oct. 28 - Nov 3, 2009 5

Making a play list for your Halloween party can be quite the undertaking. I have painstakingly searched the depths of hell to find the most evil music possible without having to turn to the mutilated goat heads and pigs blood characteristics of Swedish Black Metal. If Satan has an Ipod, I can guarantee you that these songs are on it. But beware, play these songs at your own risk, as demons have been known to fly out of speakers blasting this witches brew of sonic evilness. Slayer “Dead Skin Mask” Inspired by Ed Gein who allegedly exhumed corpses from local graveyards and fashioned trophies and keepsakes from their bones and skin. Evil Factor - 9 Megadeth “Wake Up Dead” The song is mostly instrumental, and is about singer Dave Mustaine fearing revenge from his girlfriend after he cheats on her. Frightening indeed. Evil Factor - 8 Ozzy Osbourne “Bark At The Moon” Was it Ozzy’s idea to dress up in that ridiculous wolf man costume in the video? Probably. Evil Factor - 6 Danzig “Devils Plaything” Glen Danzig may be the devil re-incarnated. Evil Factor - 10

Marilyn Manson “This Is Halloween” Forget what I said about Danzig; Marilyn Manson is the devil. A great interpretation from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Evil Factor - 10

Iron Maiden “The Number of the Beast” Michael Jackson had Vincent Price do spoken-word spookiness on 1982’s “Thriller.” Iron Maiden couldn’t afford Price so they hired some guy to speak like Price for the intro to this evil gem. Evil Factor - 9

Black Sabbath “Children of the Grave” The soundtrack to creepy graveyards across the world. Evil Factor - 10

Metallica “Last Caress/ Green Hell” Only took a few choice lyrics to offend every person on the planet with this song, clearly the band’s high point. Evil Factor - 9

Judas Priest “Painkiller” The Painkiller is described as a metal messiah sent to the world to destroy evil and rescue mankind from destruction. And no I am not making this sh*t up. Evil Factor - 8

Motley Crue “Shout At The Devil” This whole album scared the sh*t out of me when I was a kid. Evil Factor - 9

Alice Cooper “Keepin’ Halloween Alive” The king of all things Halloween delivers a new song for the holiday. Evil Factor - 7

Rob Zombie “Dragula” The modern day Alice Cooper. Evil Factor -7

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6 Oct. 28 - Nov 3, 2009


JOSH HOWARD - Geoff Case – “Mavs Guru”


he Mavericks season began on October 27th against the Washington Wizards but have yet to put Josh Howard in the line-up. Howard had major ankle surgery this off-season and finally started his full contact workouts with the team earlier this month. The major issue here is that newcomer Shawn Marion is penciled in at his old position (Small Forward) and the Mavs are going to try to slide Howard to the shooting guard position. The idea sounds good in theory because it makes the starting line-up very difficult to match-up against. The overall length and athleticism would create major problems for other opposition on both ends of the court. The problem is that Howard must learn this new position from the film room because hasn’t fully healed from his major ankle surgery this off-season. It’s not easy to learn a new position on the fly in the NBA and there will be some hiccups. The Mavericks can expect to have some growing pains when Howard returns but if he can figure it all out, the payoff could be tremendous.

by: Eddie Stephens – “Baseball Guru”

The 2009 World Series is going to be a slugfest. The Yankees and Phillies last met in the 1950 World World series, and the Phillies were swept in 4 games. 59 years later there are a different bunch of Phillies that think they can win. Both the Phillies and Yankees are 7-2 in the post season, and have been crushing the ball. The Phillies have scored 55 runs, and the Yankees 48 during the playoffs so far. Both the Phillies and the Yankees have relied mostly on home runs to get them over the edge. The Phillies tied the Rangers for 2nd with 224 dingers this year, while the Yankees hit 244 leading the majors. Both the Phillies and the Yankees have hit 14 home runs in the first two rounds of the playoffs. The Phillies have a great lineup with Rollins, Utley, Werth, Victorino, Howard, and Ibanez all hitting well in the playoffs. For the Phillies it’s a team sport

and everyone contributes. JaysonWerth has found his groove and is hitting the ball exceptionally well. He had 2 home runs in game 5 of the NLCS. The NL MVP of the playoffs, Ryan Howard is hitting great with runners in scoring position. These hitters will have to match up well with Jeter, Damon, A-Rod and Teixeira, but I think they are an even match. The pitching rotation with CC Sabathia vs Cliff Lee is going to be a sight to see and could be a scoreless game going into the seventh inning. The Phillies will also have Pedro Martinez going up against Andy Petite, which is also kind of simple, plus Pedro knows the Yankees and how to beat them. The only thing that will hurt the Phillies is the bullpen, since it isn’t very strong. The Phillies will need to score a lot of runs and tame this powerful Yankees lineup if they want to remain World Champs.

Stars to Face Trio of Cellar Dwellers


by: Michael Stern – “Hockey Guru”

he Dallas Stars, fresh off of a successful three-game road trip in which they garnered two victories (over Anaheim and St. Louis) and rallied for three 3rd period goals to force an overtime loss at Los Angeles, are preparing for a three-game set against teams that are holding down last place in their respective divisions. Toronto (0 wins, 7 losses, 1 OT loss), is adeptly holding down the cellar in the Northeast Division of the Eastern Conference, appears headed for another horrific season. Florida (2-6-1), from the Eastern Conference’s Southeast Division, has a plethora of young talent that has not prevented the Panthers from struggling out of the gate. Nashville (3-6-1) is the best of the trio of cellar dwellers on the Stars’ upcoming schedule, and is poised to vacate the bottom rung of the Western Conference’s Central Division. The Stars head into this three-game set with a rejuvenated Marty Turco in goal. The three time NHL All Star made 27 saves against the Blues, and is benefitting from a reliable backup in Alexander Auld.

Oct. 28 - Nov 3, 2009 7 - Craig Smith

- Eddie Stephens

W. Kentucky vs North Texas

SMU vs Tulsa

UNLV vs (8)TCU

North Texas is coming off a 50-26 loss to Troy where they gave up 469 passing yards. They are now 1-6 for the season. Lance Dunbar had another good game with 111 yards rushing, 90 yards receiving and 3 touchdowns. He leads the team with 14 touchdowns. He seems to be the only bright spot to each week’s game. Nathan Tune once again started at quarterback for an injured Riley Dodge. The good news for the Mean Green is that 0-7 Western Kentucky is coming to town after losing 6224 to Middle Tennessee. The Hilltoppers gave up 646 yards of total offense. This is the game that North Texas needs to win to get on track. Look for Lance Dunbar to have a field day and I think top 200 yards rushing. The Mean Green should also put up nice passing numbers whoever starts at quarterback. They will be able to play solid defense and will win this one big. This is the game to come to if you want to see them win.

SMU is coming off a 38-15 loss to Houston. Case Keenum entered the game with the most passing yards per game at 417 per game but got a season low 233. Bo Levi Mitchell was slammed to the ground in the first quarter and never returned after suffering a dislocated shoulder. Shawnbrey McNeal had another solid game with 95 yards rushing along with a touchdown. This is nothing for Mustang fans to get down about because Houston is a top twenty team. They are traveling to Tulsa who is coming off a 28-24 loss to UTEP. They only lost 28-21 to Boise State. The Hurricanes led the nation in total offense in each of the last two seasons and last year averaged 569.9 yards a game. This will be a tough game, but the Mustangs can win. Hopefully Mitchell will be back because he is needed to win this one. They need this one as they are tied for first in the west division with three other teams in Conference USA.

The 8th ranked Horned Frogs showed the nation that they are for real by beating 16th ranked BYU 38-7 this past Saturday. The Frogs won their 8th straight, and just increased their chances for a BCS bid come January. Just as I predicted, the TCU defense was all over the field sacking BYU QB Max Hall four times, including one that caused a fumble. TCU will now take on UNLV, and I wouldn’t be worried, because they are 1-3 in the Moutain West Conference and will not have a chance in blocking this TCU defense. The Frogs are determined and willing to get to the ball by any means. UNLV might put some points on the board with QB Omar Clayton. He threw for 204 yards with two touchdowns against New Mexico State this past weekend. TCU just needs to get the job done, and focus on protecting the ball, and creating turnovers on defense. With all that said, a BCS bowl game could be in their future.

Sat. Oct 31 – 3pm – T V: Sun Belt Network @ Fouts Field

Sat. Oct 31 – 1pm – T V: CW-33 @ Chapman Stadium

Sat. Oct 31 – 3pm – T V: Versus HD @ Amon Carter Stadium

Bradford’s Decison is Costly A year ago Sam Bradford was having the best season of his career as he became the second sophomore to win the Heisman Trophy. He was projected to be the number one pick in the 2009 NFL Draft. He had 4,721 yards passing and 50 touchdowns last year but that was last year. He decided to come back to Oklahoma for his junior season and pass on the NFL even though his stock could go no higher. He was projected by many to be the number one pick. In the first game of this season against Brigham Young he suffered a sprained shoulder. He didn’t return in the second half and the Sooners lost the game. After missing three weeks he returned to play against Baylor. He led the Sooners to a 33-7 win after throwing 389 yards and 1 touchdown. The next game was against Texas and on the second drive he was sacked and reinjured the same shoulder. He didn’t return to the game. He may have played his last game in an Oklahoma jersey. Now he must decide if he should have surgery or just let it heal on its 7/ Ê/ -/,-Ê , t

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USC vs




Saturday, Oct 31 – 7pm – Autzen Stadium – ABC

The Trojans go on the road to play Oregon in primetime. Oregon is undefeated in conference play and rumor has it, Blount might be back. For USC this is a must win if they want to stay in the BCS title hunt. Matt Barkley and co. better bring it!

Falcons vs Saints

Monday, Nov 2 – 7:30pm – Heinz Field – ESPN

The Dirty Birds visit New Orleans for this Monday night special. The Saints are undefeated and are playing some pretty good defense. Matt Ryan had a poor outing against the Cowboys and will be focused for this one. How will the Falcons D fare against Brees and a very potent offense?

Craig Smith

own. His NFL stock has dropped after becoming the man with the glass shoulder. He won’t be a top ten pick in the 2010 draft. He should be preparing for his next NFL game but instead he has to try and figure his best move so that he can make it to the NFL. I feel you should always seize a career opportunity when it is available. He most likely cost himself at least 10 million dollars with his decision to return to Oklahoma. He has video to prove his worth but will a team want to invest so much money on a guy they aren’t sure can take a hit? He can come back for his senior year and prove himself the hard way. I hope his shoulder can return to the way it was last year. He is a talented kid. Hopefully he will make the right decision this time around. If not he will become another quarterback from Oklahoma who everyone asks whatever happened to? Josh Heupel, Nate Hybl, and Jason White all disappeared after having solid careers with the Sooners. Only time will tell.



Sun., Nov. 1 @ Philadelphia @ Baltimore @ Chicago Houston @ Indianapolis @ NY Jets @ Detroit @ Dallas @ San Diego @ Tennessee @ Arizona @ Green Bay

LINE OPPONENT -2.5 NY Giants -3.5 Denver -13.5 Cleveland -3.5 @ Buffalo -12 San Francisco -3.5 Miami -4 St. Louis -9.5 Seattle -17 Oakland -3 Jacksonville -9.5 Carolina -3 Minnesota

TIME Noon Noon Noon Noon Noon Noon Noon Noon 3:05pm 3:05pm 3:15pm 3:15pm

Mon., Nov. 2 @New Orleans


TIME 7:35pm

8 Oct. 28 - Nov 3, 2009

ENJOY THE JOURNEY The Coach - Joe Avezzano

Football in some ways does mirror life. It is a journey, not a quick moment that defines the result. Hopefully life is long and results in ups and downs that ultimately can be judged as having been a success. But since it is a long process, if you don’t enjoy the journey you are wasting valuable time. That’s how I feel about a football season. There will be ups and downs and hopefully the end result will be a success. This 37-21 victory over the Falcons was not expected by many as Atlanta came to town with a very solid football team that had played somewhat consistently and had good talent. But the Cowboys answered all the questions voiced before the game as to how they had to play in order to win. The defense swarmed Matt Ryan unlike any they’ve played before, and they contained the running game forcing Atlanta to be one dimensional. DeMarcus Ware had two sacks for the second game in a row and young defensive backs Jenkins and Scandrick came up with interceptions. Tony Romo had another 300 yard game with three TD’s and Miles Austin showed again why he is the one receiver who can make a difference in a game. His 171 yards is the second most by a receiver after a 200 yard game in the history of the NFL. The protection for Romo was good including some excellent work by the backs in protection. The kicking game was outstanding as Folk, Beuhler, and Crayton’s 73 yard punt return made it a complete victory. This upcoming Sunday the Seattle Seahawks come to town. This is what makes the journey so interesting. Atlanta came to town perceived to be a really good team and the win is supposed to validate this Cowboy team. Seattle will come to town with few people knowing much about them and the perception being that they are not a good team and the Cowboys should automatically chalk up a win. It just doesn’t work that way. Seattle has fought through injuries but if Matt Hasselback is healthy then they become a challenge to anyone. They don’t have a lot of leeway for mistakes because they are not an overpowering team but when things fall their way they can make life difficult for the opponent. The biggest thing the Cowboys have to deal with is the ups and downs of the journey. Don’t get too down when things are shaky and don’t get too full of yourself when things are good. The Cowboys are talented enough that if they play a solid game they have the capabilities to beat most anyone. While they are trying to figure all that out, don’t dwell on your perceived concerns, the Cowboys will do that, enjoy the journey! Coach Joe can be heard on KHYI 95.3 on Tuesday nights 7-9pm and on ESPN radio. Come by and say hello at Hat Tricks Sports Bar and Grill in Lewisville. Your home to great sports and great music.

Fantasy Football: Week 8 Waiver Wire Picks

Quarterbacks Alex Smith (SF) - The former top overall pick took over for a struggling Shaun Hill and went bananas in the 49ers comeback attempt. He completed 15 of 22 passes for 206 yards and 3 TDs in only 1 half of action. He threw a pick late to seal the loss, but had to try and make a play. He was decisive with the ball and showed great arm strength. I think he gives them a better chance to win than the solid, but unspectacular Shaun Hill. He could take over, he really looked great. He can run too and picked up 16 yards on scrambles. Keep an eye on Smith because with Crabtree in the mix and VD dominating, he has some weapons at his disposal. Running Backs Ricky Williams (MIA) - I guess you can’t sit him. He only had 11 touches against the

leagues 5th ranked run D, but managed to run for 80 yards and 3 TDs on 9 carries with 2 catches for 12 yards. He is getting it done every week and as long as he stays hot, especially in the Red Zone, he is a solid RB2 or flex option. Wide Receivers Miles Austin (DAL) - This guy is LEGIT. After catching 10 for 250 and 2 against the Chiefs, Austin came back with 6 catches for 171 yards and 2 TDs against the Falcons. He is the real deal and is the #1 WR on this team get him if he is somehow out there if not, start him every week. Sidney Rice (MIN) - He is the unquestioned top target for Favre as he led the Vikes with 136 yards on 11 catches. It was his 2nd straight 100+ yard game and he has now scored or topped 100 yards in 4 of his

last 5 games. Kid can flat out PLAY. Tight Ends Vernon Davis (SF) – Wow!.No one on the 49ers was happier with the QB switch this week then Davis. He and Smith hooked up for not 1, not 2, but 3 scores in the 2nd half. Davis finished as the teams leading pass catcher with 93 yards and the 3 TDs on 7 catches. It was his 2nd multiple TD game of the year and he looks like a solid starting option for your teams as he now has 50 yards or a TD in 4 straight with 6 total TDs during that span. Zach Miller (OAK) - Miller struggled in week 7, but he faces SD in week 8 and he has a 100% consistency score against the Chargers in 5 career games against them, so grab him as a one week play here.

Presented By: Written By:

Defenses Saints D (NO) - They are relentless and know how to get the ball in the End Zone. The Saints scored 2 more defensive TDs this week, forced 2 INTs, recovered a fumble, and had 2 sacks in the comeback win over the Fins. They are a GREAT fantasy unit and you can start them every week. Cards D (ARI) - I wanted everyone to grab them in anticipation of their upcoming schedule, but this unit is ready to play every week. They harassed and dominated the G-Men with their blitzing style and keyed the Cards big win. Zona sacked Eli Manning 3 times, picked him off 3 times and had a fumble recovery to boot. It was another solid fantasy day for the Cards, who get CAR next week and should abuse the hapless Panthers. Check out for more

Oct. 28 - Nov 3, 2009 9


t’s coming up on one of my favorite holidays--Halloween. How great is it that we have a day where we can dress up in absolutely any outfit, pull crazy pranks and demand candy from people without being arrested or thrown in the crazy house. It’s your chance to be a superhero, a rock star or a gynecologist (you know those lab coats that are embroidered with Dr. Seymour Bush on the pocket). For ladies, it’s a little different. We can dress up in a super sexy outfit and walk around in public without being labeled a whore or being accused of moonlighting as an escort. We can wear the 5-inch “dancer” heels, thigh-high fishnets and some tiny dress that might make you think “little red riding hood” or “naughty fairy” if you aren’t

by: Jennifer Wayne – “Foxie Chick”

busy trying to roll your tongue up from off the floor. It’s quite empowering for us to be able to wear accessories normally reserved for the bedroom out of the house. One spot where gals can go to get all dolled up a la Moulin Rouge is Electrique Boutique. I know you’ve seen the neon hot pink signs and scantily-clad mannequins in the window and wondered what kind of shenanigans go on in there. They’ve got the sexy shoes, tons of colors and styles of fishnets, hundreds of bras and panties and risqué costumes. Everything a girl needs to become a temptress. Guys, they haven’t forgotten about you either. Not only do they carry Halloween costumes for dudes, but they also have lingerie for the gentlemen, as well. Leopard

print banana hammock anyone? And if you are ever in the market for high heels, they carry up to size 16 in some styles. Maybe right now you’re thinking that your girlfriend/spouse is a little shy about showing some butt cheek in public, but you wish you could get her into a hot get-up during your “alone time.” Well, Christmas is around the corner and Electrique Boutique is here to help you find the perfect gift for making the woman in your life feel desirable. Making girls feel that way is the ultimate gift! Electrique Boutique owner Melanie Rudomin says guys shouldn’t be shy about coming in to find some goodies to give. “When a gentleman comes into our store to purchase a gift, our staff is always more

than ready to help! Our staff goes above and beyond to make any male customer comfortable when shopping for a female’s gift. Our staff is knowledgeable and will ask questions to help determine what will best suit the person he is shopping for.” Bonus: they will even wrap it for you! Melanie adds that even though Halloween is just one day…you and yours can “get into character” all year long. “Electrique Boutique continues to offer a wide selection of costumes throughout the year, however, after October we will concentrate more on fashion trends and New Year’s Eve attire. Then January we bring in more lingerie for Valentine’s Day and then focus on swimwear for the spring.”

10 Oct. 28 - Nov 3, 2009 By: Peggy Kilpatrick - “Halloween Expert”

Case: by: Geoff


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“Zombie S

Every year my friends and I throw a big Halloween party, and a costume is a must. Even though every year, the party brings new memories, the same types of people seem to show up. I’ve come to conclude that these kinds of people are seen at every Halloween party and return every year. You’ve all seen them. Maybe you are one of them. Here is a list of the kinds of people you can always count on seeing at a Halloween costume party:

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Oct. 28 - Nov 3, 2009 11

First off…why? It is a costume party for a reason. Are you just too cool to dress up anymore? I know Halloween is a silly holiday created mainly for children, but let loose, stop being the party pooper and at least put on a funny hat and make up a costume last minute. Nobody likes the person who doesn’t dress up at a costume party, and you will get crap for it the entire night.

The Thespian

Yes. I love this person. Whether it starts to get annoying or not by the end of the night, you have to admit that this person makes the party worthwhile because they stay in character the entire time. Try it sometime. Be an outrageous football coach, blowing the whistle constantly while making plays on your scratch pad, or dress like a nerd and actually act nerdy the entire time. People will love it.

The Whorror

loves the attention. Is wearing a piece of string even a costume?

The Couple

Every Halloween there is a couple that thinks really hard about their costumes and wears the same themed outfit. I can’t deny it, I’ve done it and I think it can be really cute, but only when it is something really creative and original. And whether you know the guy or not, give him a hard time because you know the girl picked it.

The Frienemies

There are always the two girls that show up separately wearing the same exact costume. Keep an eye on these two, and after the fake smiles watch how many death glares they give each other throughout the night. Of course one of them always looks better than the other…and they know it. Of course there are plenty more kinds of people that we see every year at these Halloween costume parties but these are just a select few. So this year, on that fun Saturday night, count how many people you have seen from this list. Hey, you can even turn it into a new Halloween drinking game, but watch out…you might be the person people are counting on.

Okay I know this is basically every girl on Halloween night, but there is always the one girl that finds a way to be wearing pretty much just a bathing suit. And you still don’t know what she is but she ing gh 15 minutes noying trailers I had seen less times in months past as Although ted for Zombieland to start I don’t own much less care I saw it earlier this month, much for Tobe Hooper’s The aser briefly got my attention. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), cene opens with I assume are I still can’t shake the final image local townspeople chasing a of Leatherface running amok with g man through an abandoned the chainsaw on the dirt road near y or junkyard. The guy being the end and still wonder whether d takes refuge in one of the that corpse of Grandpa the twisted ngs. The angry neighbors family kept in a wheelchair really him inside. One of them was sucking blood from the female the word, “Kruger.” Then victim they terrorized. One of these days, I will see mmediately torch the place. We watch as the young man the original Friday the 13th (1980) off his jacket that reveals and Saw (2004), which I have no and black striped shirt; the doubt were probably better than shirt, if I am not mistaken the sequels that followed. Yes, I s puppet pal, Ernie, wears know all of you reading this are esame Street. Then we start saying how you can’t believe I still ng the familiar “One, two, haven’t seen the original Friday the 13th but at least when it comes to y’s coming for you…” Within seconds of hearing useless movie trivia, I do know the my interest quickly faded. film marked the big screen debut to myself, “Another damn of Kevin Bacon. cessary remake!” For those The point I am making here who don’t know what I am is directors like John Carpenter, g about, I am referring to the Wes Craven, George Romero and ming remake of Wes Craven’s Tobe Hooper knew that the secret horror classic, A Nightmare to a good, effective, suspenseful m Street, due out on theaters horror movie is making one on a April. I have always believed limited budget. If the surprise hit est horror films were the Paranormal Activity, now playing made on a low budget; a few and scaring audiences at the box em I own on DVD though I office right now proves anything, n’t decided if I will trade them it’s that you don’t need $50 million or Blu-ray yet. They include plus and computer generated visual Carpenter’s Halloween effects to freak out movie-goers. ), George Romero’s Night There is no doubt in my mind Living Dead (1968) and his a lot of horror geeks and nerds mping” mall follow-up ten are all excited about the new A Nightmare On Elm Street if for no later, Dawn of the Dead.

other reason because they think the casting of Jackie Earle Haley (Rorschach from Watchmen) is the best choice to play Freddie Kruger dons the sharp fingered metallic claw, hat and Sesame Street shirt in a role made famous over twenty years ago by Robert Englund. Yes, I can just hear the words of all the young nerds at the comic book stores uttering the words, “cool”, “awesome”, and “can’t wait” at such news as they discuss trivial movie knowledge waiting for the latest shipment of comic books to arrive on Wednesdays. Well, what they find “cool,” I see “eye candy.” If I want to be thrilled again, I’ll watch the original Halloween, Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, or for that matter, A Nightmare On Elm Street and look back fondly on a time when movie directors actually knew how to make a good scary, if not, humorous movie with an original premise. So while you all sit and embrace the slew of upcoming, unnecessary revamps of great horror movies of decades past, the only thought that comes to mind when I hear the word “remake” are the words Marlon Brando’s Col. Kurtz said near the end of Apocalypse Now (1979). “The horror…the horror.”

The Party Pooper

Oct. 28 - Nov 3, 2009 13

egardless of the political misfits that come and go, our great country has always been viewed as the major Badass on the global block, and as a red-white-and-blue-blooded American, I think that’s a reputation we should be proud of. Sure, there’s always some foreign wind-bags talking smack, but when it comes right down to it, nobody really wants to poke our hornet’s nest, or they know we’ll load up and come kick some major butt. To maintain that worldwide Badass reputation, we need to be a little more vigilant in grooming our young Badasses-to-be, and the truth is, I think the common concept of what a real Badass is has gotten a little skewed. So let’s talk about what being a real Badass is all about. Used to, a guy could go to the movies and see some real Badasses. Men who walked the walk and talked the talk, and you knew if you crossed the line there was a price to pay. Guys like John Wayne and Clint Eastwood and Chuck Norris. Men that had principles and a moral compass and weren’t afraid to say what they thought, regardless of the implications of being popular. Sure, they were just movie characters, but they still gave us an idea of what being a Badass really was. Where the hell did those guys go? We need more real men like them again today. We’ve got some so-called ‘action heroes’, but for the most part, if I was picking someone to stroll the dark alleys with, I’d still rather have a card-carrying AARP member like ‘Clint & Chuck’ backing me up. Being a Badass isn’t a bad thing. In fact, for a real man, it’s probably one of the best things he could aspire to be. A Badass isn’t a bully or a thug, or someone who pushes people around just because he can. Those guys aren’t Badass…they’re PUNKS, and they’re the ones that run and hide when a real Badass shows up. Here are a few things to help you recognize a real Badass:


BEER: Bud, Miller, Coors Bud, Miller, Coors Bud, Miller, Coors Modelo, Hieneken Corona Corona, Negra Modelo Coronita Bud, Miller, Coors TEQUILA: Patron Silver Cazadores Sauza Hornitas repo, 1800 Reposado Cuervo Gold El Jimador Corazon Repo. Sauza Commemorativo VODKA: Ciroc Grey Goose Tito Russian Standard Absolut & Flavors Monopolova Smirnoff and Flavors, Svedka Pennacle Taaka RUM: Bacardi - Lt, Dk, Select Seagram’s Capt. Morgan Parrot Bay SCOTCH: Glenlivet John Walk Blk, Buchanan J&B, Dewar’s Chivas

case 18 pk 12 pk case case 12 pk case keg

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WHISKEY: Crown Royal Cask Crown Royal Jack Daniels Weller Jim Beam GIN: Tanqueray Gin Amsterdam Seagrams Gin & Flavors BRANDY & COGNAC: Paul Masson Brandy, E&J VS E&J VSOP Presidente Brandy Remy Martin VSOP Hennessy JC Cognac VSOP RTD Grand Marnier Baileys Irish Creme Kahlua DeKuypers - All Flavors Cuervo Golden Margarita Pama Hypnotiq Nuvo Salvador WINE / CHAMPAGNE Beringer, B. V. & Blackstone Borquel Santa Margarita, P. Grigi Sutt Hm, Jacob’s Creek Menagea Trois Kendall Jackson Chardonnay Chateau St. Michelle Indian Well Caymus Cab Silver Oak Cab Alex. V.

750 ml 750 ml 1.75 lit 1.75 lit 1.75 lit

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1.75 lit 35.49 1.75 lit 19.49 1.75 lit 16.99 1.75 lit 1.75 lit liter 750 ml 750 ml 750 ml

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750 ml 750 ml 750 ml 1.5 lit 750 ml 750 ml 750 ml 750 ml 750 ml

7.49 11.49 19.49 8.99 8.99 11.99 12.99 55.49 72.99

In case of printing errors, store prices prevail.

I-30 @ Winslow 214-823-4011

I-35 @ NW Hwy 214-350-0029 2377 Stemmons Trail

Dennis Hambright

He’s overly confident in everything he does. He’s solid in his convictions and doesn’t feel any obligation to justify his beliefs or morals. He respects your right to disagree, but doesn’t get weak-kneed in the face of criticism. When a real Badass speaks, you know he means, what he says and isn’t just spouting some popular rhetoric influenced by the latest social fads. He doesn’t care what’s considered ‘normal’; he cares what’s ‘right’.

Even Tempered:

He doesn’t have a short fuse. He’s level headed and considers all the implications of any situation. He’s slow to anger, but when pushed too far, he knows how to be brutally effective when he has to fight back.

Badass Style:

He’s just as comfortable in boots and jeans, even if everyone else in the room is in a suit and tie. He knows a man isn’t ‘what’ he wears, but ‘how’ he wears it. He’s his own fashion critic.

Protects the Weak:

A real Badass doesn’t abuse women and children, he stands up for them. And rue the day if you ever insult his mother.

Doesn’t Need ‘Social Networks:

A real Badass wouldn’t be caught dead ‘Tweeting’, and doesn’t have any use for Facebook or MySpace. He likes ‘real’ relationships and the feel of a firm handshake and looking someone in the eye when he talks to them. He might not have hundreds of ‘on-line friends’, but the friends he has know they can count on him when the chips are down.

Being Badass R

Radiates Confidence:

14 Oct. 28 - Nov 3, 2009

MARGARITAS FOOD REVIEW & MEXICAN FOOD The Pick of the Week: By: Jennifer Wayne






“Foxy Foodie”

Solʼs Nieto WEDNESDAYS Mexican Grill is XTENDED HAPPY HOUR a fun friendly 4PM TO CLOSE place with a jukebox THURSDAYS atmosphere, FAJITA SPECIAL BREAKFAST, LUNCH neighborhood feel, amazing & DINNER food and great SERVED DAILY FROM 9AM margaritas.

6434 E.MOCKINGBIRD DALLAS, TX 75214 214-826-5564

Masaryk mixes Modernity with Flavor

“Have you heard of a top shelf margarita being on happy hour…I don’t think so.” These are the famous last words of my now former favorite bar tender. Her replacement is Joel, the bar manager at Masaryk. As soon as I plopped down at the bar, he informed me that there were a mere 10 minutes left on their happy hour and I should promptly order a top shelf margarita—just $6. I take it on the rocks and await a plastic solo-esque cup. Instead I get a tall glass filled to the brim and topped with limes. Hey, aren’t drink specials supposed to be small and kinda plain looking? Pretty…and pretty strong, too. Masaryk has that industrial feel to it. The floors are glossy cement and the bar stools are minimalist but comfy. Though bare bones in décor, it’s cozy, like being in a friend’s loft. Fitting since it is situated underneath the apartments of Addison Circle. Masaryk boasts being “modern Mexican.” Sure the classics are there, such as tacos and burritos, but some traditional plates get a twist. The relleno is filled with pulled pork. The over-stuffed poblano pepper is accompanied by tomatillo sauce and sprinkled with a healthy dose of Oaxaca cheese. It’s spicy, though. Consider yourself warned. Something a little milder but equally flavorful is the bacon wrapped shrimp. The not-so-shrimpy shrimp are wrapped in applewood smoked bacon and swimming in a mango lemongrass sauce, which is tangy and sweet. This particular dish comes with garlicky spinach on the side. It’s delicious, but grab one of those mints at the door if you’re with your lady. I am very indecisive, so I am grateful to Masaryk for having one of those “create your own” options. You can pick two items for $8.50, three items for $9.50 or four items for $10.75. Your options are: tacos, enchiladas, chalupas, flautas, burritos or pork tamales. Let me narrow it down for you. The tacos are ok…pretty much the same as any other place. The chicken enchiladas are topped with a sour cream sauce that is better than any other I’ve ever had and I have actually been to Cozymel. The flautas are filled with chicken and fried lightly. Dip ‘em in queso and pepare to go into food coma. The pork tamales are sinful. They’re moist and covered with queso. All DYI combos come with rice and beans, either black or refried. The sides are just as flavorful as the main attraction and not just an afterthought. Something unusual I found here is the salsa. It’s served warm. It’s thicker than most, too. It’s going to be hard, but try not to fill up before you even order.

“Have you heard of a top shelf margarita being on happy hour…I don’t think so.”

Masaryk • 5004 Addison Circle • Addison - 75001 972-701-8500 •

Oct. 28 - Nov 3, 2009 15

Sony kicked out the DPP-F700 today, a new LCD photo frame that has a built-in printer for producing 4×6” 300×300 dpi glossy photos on the fly. Front and center is a 7-inch 800×400 LCD with a 16:10 ratio, supported by 1GB of on board memory, a memory card reader and editing system that allows for small picture touch ups. You can expect the DPPF700 LCD Photo Frame this coming January for $200.

Pro photographers have an even more difficult choice to face when going with Canon or Nikon thanks to the new Canon EOS 1D Mark IV ($5,000). Like the recently announced Nikon D3s, the Mark IV sports a maximum ISO of 102,400 and HD video recording — in full 1080p, unlike the 720plimited Nikon — and also packs a 45-point autofocus sensor, dual DIGIC 4 imaging processors, a 16.1 megapixel CMOS sensor, 10 fps shooting, a three-inch LCD, and more.

Watch Your Favorite

COLLEGE TEAM HERE Cowboys vs. Seahawks Sunday - Noon

BEER & DRINK SPECIALS Sat. Oct. 31 - 7:30 - Close

Halloween Costume Contest


With Amazon on its second iteration of Kindle, you knew brick and mortar stalwarts Barnes & Noble weren’t going to just let them take over the electronic book market. Hence, Nook ($260). Built atop Android and featuring dual screens — one e-Ink, one color touch screen — Nook aims to present books and their covers to you in a whole new, but familiar, way. Like the Kindle, it features builtin 3G wireless networking, storage for up to 1,500 books, and a sleeker design than Amazon’s front-keyboard gadget. The icing on the cake? There are thousands of books available for free, making the two and some change price tag seem that much friendlier.

How ‘bout them Arlington Cowboys!?! Since the Cowboys’ change of address has taken them out of anything you could call Dallas, when do you think we’re going to get around to the official renaming? During Dallas’ throwback uniform game against the Kansas City Chiefs—formerly the Dallas Texans—I was reminded that Jerry Jones and his followers will eventually have to ‘fess up the simple reality that these ain’t the Dallas Cowboys anymore. The Stadium part of the name change is easy. Cowboys Stadium will simply become Levitra Cowboys Stadium (or Cialis or Viagra…whichever boner pill coughs up the most money), but the home of the Cowboys is no longer Dallas in any way, shape, or form. They practice at Valley Ranch. They train in Witchita Falls, or San Antonio, or even Oxnard California…Oh yeah, and they play football in Arlington. Arlington? Wait a minute--There’s an Arlington in Massachusetts, for Pete’s sake. The Arlington Cowboys? Nope. Let’s face it. Arlington is not quite Texas enough for all the pretend cowboys out there (by which I do not mean the Cowboys in uniform or the cowboys who work ranches and do actual cowboy jobs). You know the ones, walking around the Grapevine Mills Mall in Resistol hats, ironed Wranglers, snake skin boots and big ol’ belt buckles-- the ones who refuse to dress commensurate with the century in which they live. They need a “Texasie” sounding name, and would never settle

Sony’s DPP-F700 LCD Photo Frame

Canon EOS 1D Mark IV

for Arlington. How about the D/FW Cowboys? It works for the airport, but doesn’t exactly role off the toungue. “On a frozen December day on legendary Lambeau Field, the visiting D/FW Cowboys…” Eh, not so much. Jerry Jones could always assume ownership of statewide naming rights and go with the Texas Cowboys. It solves a problem now, and pre-empts a problem when he gets an even bigger sweetheart deal from San Antonio in about 12 years. So far, he is just ignoring the obvious, which is not without precedent. When the Patriots’ skinflint owner Billy Sullivan couldn’t get anyone in incorporated Boston to simply give him the land and stadium he needed, he took an offer from Foxboro Massachusetts, a little town just a few miles from the lovely Walpole State Penitentiary, and brought his horribly unsuccessful team to a stadium which was built for him by the Shaeffer Brewing Company—a concrete, aluminum and astroturf monstrosity built little better than an average Division One Texas High School field. The merciless Boston sports media kept telling Sullivan to stop calling his lousy team the Boston Patriots, since they no longer played in Boston. Some smart marketing guy decided to call them the New England Patriots in an effort to make them the entire region’s team. It took 30 years, but it also eventually worked. Why is there no such outcry from the Dallas

Sun.-Tues. Texas Hold’em Wednesday $3 U-Call-Its & DJ Clo Thursday Karaoke Courtesy:

Rich Hancock Rational Radio AM 1360

sports media? Sure, it’s been mentioned in this or that column or blog, but where is the outrage? You need look no further than your very own NFC East rival New York Giants for the answer. New York didn’t want to relinquish ownership of the Jets or Giants, even though they play in the very butt of all their condescending out-of-towner jokes—New Jersey. In fact, the New York football teams look forward to playing in their new-New Jersey playground in the near future. No one cares. They’re still the Jets and the Giants. And ours will stay the Dallas Cowboys for the same reason. Dallas is unwilling to have their storied franchise called anything other than the Dallas Cowboys, no matter where they play. You’d sooner see Jerry try to incorporate Arlington into Dallas County than give up ownership of Staubach and Aikman, Emmitt and Irvin. So, it’s the Dallas Cowboys in the Lamisil/Pringles/ThighMaster Cowboys Stadium, but we can at least come up with a nickname for the monument to decadence that Jerry spent about “A-Billion-2” on; How about the “Billion-2 Big Screen Rumpus Room”? The “Masters of the Universe Luxury Suite”? The “Ultimate Direct TV Showroom”? Or we can stay with the one that everyone, myself included, is taking credit for coming up with first — “The Decadence Death Star”.

601 Cross Timbers #108 Flower Mound 972-539-1717

By: Sybil Summers

Top 10

Baddest Mustaches 10. Kenny Powers: Not many people can pull off the matching wraparound mustache/mullet combo, but KP does. Boy, does he. 9. Mike Ditka: The real question is...which takes longer to style? The pompadour hairdo? Or the kickass bristles? 8. Mario & Luigi: They look like wings. 7. Susan Boyle: Pre-makeover. 6. Dr. Phil McGraw: His iconic pushbroom partnered with the bald head and Southern twang makes for great punchlines. 5. Hulk Hogan: From blonde to white, his handlebar ‘stache could kick Chuck Norris’ red whiskers any day! 4. Ron Burgundy: Now there’s a mustache you can set your watch to! 3. Gene Shalit: This guy hasn’t changed his look in 30 years... and it’s not even a good look! 2. Cleveland Brown: This ‘stache looks like something you’d find in your cat’s litter box. Sexy? 1. Geraldo Rivera: He sported a reallife Borat for two decades. That thing didn’t even blow during the hurricane coverage. Rock on, Rivera.

Oct. 28 - Nov 3, 2009 17

DOWN 1. Initial wager 2. Farm building 3. Dogfish 4. Move in large numbers 5. Ancient ascetic 6. Displayed 7. Magma 8. Affirm 9. And nothing more 10. Judge 11. In progress 12. Angered 13. Back tooth 21. Doozy 25. Utilized 26. Civil wrong 27. Affirm 28. Identical 29. Drowsiness 30. Small drum 31. Regrets 34. Anagram of “Mean” 36. Verbal 37. Depression 38. Border 40. Auditory 45. Russian emperor 48. A person who is very poor 50. Liegeman 51. Scattered seed 52. Insect stage 53. Shelf 54. Aquamarine 57. Not a single one 58. Bird of peace 59. An indefinite period 60. District 61. Be inclined 62. Concludes

Blitz Weekly Funnies for the Week Q: Why did the blonde nurse bring a red marker to work? A: In case she had to draw blood! Q: What do lawyers do after they die? A: They lie still. Q: Why don’t women wear watches? A: There’s a clock on the stove. Q: What did Bill Gates’ wife say to him on their wedding night? A: Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!

Engineers and Managers A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field.” “You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist. “I am. How did you know?” “Everything you told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.” The man below says, “You must be in management.” “I am. But how did you know?” “You don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”


Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)

Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)

Cheese fanciers of the world unite! Now is YOUR time. Gather your cheeses and parade them in Victory Park. You’ll lose all of your money and friends and spend the rest of your life in poverty.

Be sure to acknowledge the existence of certain loved ones, before they get hurt by your oblivion. New opportunities arise as you are kidnapped as a result and sold into sexual slavery in Azerbaijan.

Oops, your offering didn’t get noticed by the gods, but it did attract the attention of the local police. Ditch your carefully worked out plans and do something rash and very spur of the moment.

Sagittarius(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr 19)

Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)

The number 999 will bring a useful aid. Sometime around 6:00 PM your face will start to itch. Don’t scratch! Go immediately to your doctor, who will diagnose you with a rare disorder called scratchalis.

Your mind is like a soggy rag. Warning! You must avoid talking to anyone named Amanda for the next 25 days. Otherwise, you will lose your job.

You will continue on in your meaningless existence. You are a communist. You are a communist. Perhaps this month we should focus on your other qualities and interests.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20)

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

Don’t slack off; you may screw things up more than they were, before. You are a bloody libidinal. I mean seriously, it’s just like sex, sex, sex. Time keeping has never been your strong point has it?

This week you will find out that you are the product of the furtive imagination of a bath sponge. Your life is in ruins. You’re always putting things off. That’s why you’ll never make anything of yourself.

The stars are not aligned for you. We know you will not heed this warning, so after you have used the toothpaste, go immediately to your nearest emergency room and explain what has happened.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Gemini (May 21 - Jan. 21)

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

You will continue on in your meaningless existence. This week, you will have a sudden inspiration to start a new business selling liberally-biased stories to the Blitz Weekly.

You will realize that you haven’t showered in well over 3 months, and it suddenly dawns on you why you’ve lost your touch with the ladies. You are a stinky bastard!

Your bosses hate you and make you their b!tch. You’ll be assigned an incompetent public attorney named Amanda who you once beat at Scrabble and who has a deep seated grudge against you.

ACROSS 1. Diminish 6. Shut a door forcefully 10. Hurt badly 14. What we’re called 15. Possess 16. A type of hair style 17. Attempts 18. Not under 19. Objective 20. A type of cooking utensil 22. Bit 23. Religious sister 24. Sheen 26. Mortarboard attachment 30. Secret meeting 32. Elliptical 33. A Central American sloth 35. Wear away 39. Juliet’s beau 41. President Lincoln 42. Challenged 43. A bird sound 44. But not quite all 46. Zingy taste 47. Someone who plays the bagpipe 49. Slender 51. Silicon dioxide 54. Sheep sound 55. Portent 56. Downplay 63. Walk through water 64. Impoverished 65. Temptress 66. They come from hens 67. Covet 68. Alter 69. Accomplishes 70. Anagram of “Leer” 71. Directs from the front

18 Oct. 28 - Nov 3, 2009

by: Pat Moran

“Man On His Throne”


The Most Useless Job in Society!

’ve written before about how annoying it is to complain about the weather, mainly because it’s something that you have absolutely no control over. Absolutely none. You end up just looking like a superficial a$$hole. On that same level, we live in a society where finding a job is as futile as trying to find fresh water with a homemade dowsing stick. The unemployment rate is as high as Ricky Williams on a bye week and everywhere people are struggling. The law of averages will tell you that everything has its opposite. So where there may be a loss of jobs for most people, there still may be a crapload of ridiculous and useless jobs. Even more, there are plenty of extremely well paying jobs that are so mind-numbingly useless it makes my brain bleed. The most obvious choice is that of the Weatherman. I guess we should be PC and say ‘Weatherperson’ but it doesn’t make it any less stupid. These people are being paid huge amounts of money to say things like, “Well, Bob, it’s looking like maybe it may or may not rain. Get out your umbrella’s but keep

those shorts on standby…It’s going to be a wild one…Back to you!” I mean, come on! It is 100 percent IMPOSSIBLE (If I could capitalize those letters to the size of the moon it still wouldn’t get my point across fully). Just because your bleached blonde aging haircut costs 100 dollars to get perfectly quaffed every week, it doesn’t mean that you are an expert. Meteorologist? I’m sure it takes a lot of school to learn the ropes around the Doppler, but hell, that sounds made up. It’s as if you put ‘–ologist’ after any word it will make you an expert. Can I bee a Boob-ologist? What about a Douche-ologist? Having 7-day forecasts is an act so utterly stupid, it’s wrapped in a blanket of bullsh!t. It’s archaic. It’s stupid. Don’t waste my time. I think that the Weather People should serve some other purpose if they are going to stay on the air. Like, “It may rain tomorrow. Also, I am sending you all coupons worth 3 dollars to make up for the time I just wasted. Back to you Bob!” Go comb your hair, D-bag.

New Study Suggest Orgasms Can Have Pain-Relieving Effects Jesse Whitman “A Woman’s Perspective”

Next time you have a headache, migraine, or backache, instead of popping the usual over the counter medication or prescription, some scientists say you should have sex instead. Beverly Whipple, PhD, a sex researcher and coauthor of “The Science of Orgasm,” has found in studies that when the G-spots in women were stimulated, their pain thresholds elevated by 80 percent, and when they climaxed it increased to more than 108 percent. Although there is no evidence directly linking pain relief with orgasms, it is known that orgasms increase the chemical Oxytocin, a natural opiate, which is released in high amounts during sex and especially at climax. Orgasms

also increase circulation, which can lead to pain relief. In fact, in Eastern medicine, it is believed that most disease or pain is caused by a lack of chi flow, which is your natural energy life force and is linked with blood circulation. When you scream to the heavens and your toes curl, a fresh supply of blood and oxygen arrives to all your cells, organs, and muscles and old, toxic blood that cause illness is removed. Not that I need to convince anyone why sex is a good idea, but there have been actual studies that show if you have at least two orgasms a week you’ll live twice as long as those who don’t. But all of the studies and contemplations aside, I left the laboratory behind and did some real word investigating, which brings me to a hospital room in Gainesville Florida, where Ed Johnson was recovering from a very painful broken collar bone. “It’s one of the most painful injuries you can imagine,” recalls Johnson. Instead of taking a painkiller, his girlfriend—very carefully—had sex with him and it temporarily relieved the pain. “After having the orgasm, I felt this rush of pain relief all over my body. I had been taking pain killers earlier that day, but the orgasm definitely worked better for pain

relief,” says Johnson. Although the pain relief from orgasms is only temporary, Natalie Lederman of Brooklyn, New York, says that it helps with her severe chronic pain of fibromayalgia, which is a widespread pain all over the body. “I was having a really bad flare up one day.” She had tried everything—painkillers, a massage, yoga, nothing was getting the pain under control. Then that evening she recalls getting intimate with her boyfriend and then feeling this rush of blood flowing all over her body and then being completely out of pain. “And we hadn’t even gotten to the sex yet!” she happily recalls. “Not even pain killers can completely get rid of the pain. The relief was only temporary, but in all the years that I’ve been suffering with this pain, being intimate and having sex has been the one thing that works the best in getting rid of my pain,” Lederman says. Of course, none of us hedonistic, pleasure-seeking humans need convincing to have sex, but if you or your loved one is suffering from any kind of pain--acute or chronic--a roll in the hay might work better than popping a pill. Whether it works for you or not, it would definitely be fun to investigate.

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