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October 19 – 25 , 2011

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 17

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 7

OCTOBER 19 – 25, 2011




SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Must See TV 3 NBA Lockout News 4 Stars News 5 TCU Preview 6 SMU Preview 6 UNT Preview 7 Big 12 Game Of The Week 7 Cowboys News 8 Cover Story Texas Rangers Facts 9 World Series Preview 10 Blitz babe of the week Ashley 12 Local Entertainment Fan Fair 13 7 Things in 7 Days 13 Hollywood Profile 14 Movie Review 14 Cody Canada and The Departed 15 Insider’s Guide to Dallas Nightlife 15 Man world Auto Review: CR-Z EX 16 Gadgets 16 The Joystick 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Weekend Relaxer 18 Time to “Think Different” 18 Bad Advice Booth 18 Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor C. Patterson Food, Entertainment and Lifestyle Editor Judy Chamberlain Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Photography: Matt Pearce, SD Dirk Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Major

STAFF WRITERS Hannah Allen, Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, David Goodspeed, Jack E. Jett, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Richard Pollak, Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Keith Allison, Renata Chebel, Ricardo Diaz, Kent Gilley, David Goodspeed, AJ Gruel, KT King, Skanska Matupplevelser, Nathan Meijer, Cody Mulcahy, Matt Pearce, James D. Smith, Martin Terber, Amy White, Mike Tigas, Robert Williams, D. Robert Wolcheck, David Wolf, Dalton, Djh57, Donkey Hotey, Marcof, OL, SD Dirk, shgmom56 CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Joe Avezzano, Cote Bailey, Jay Betsill, Sonny Capps, Andrew J. Hewett, Mateeka Lanee, Tommy Smith, Joe Stumpo

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By Frank LaCosta

While the Texas Rangers and Dallas Cowboys are the current talk of the town, nationally there is a story that is receiving even more publicity. It’s officially “Tebow Time” for the Denver Broncos. John Fox finally capitulated to the pressure of the Bronco faithful and at halftime against the San Diego Chargers on October 9 replaced starting quarterback Kyle Orton with Tim Tebow. The Broncos were down 23-10 and Tebow rallied the troops. Despite his valiant efforts the team fell short, losing 29-24 to the Chargers. Tebow’s stats for the day were sufficient, completing four passes for 79 yards and a touchdown. He also produced 38 yards and a touchdown on the ground. Is he a legitimate dual threat quarterback like Michael Vick or Vince Young? Not likely, but he also doesn’t bring the headaches that the aforementioned have. After the game, Bronco head coach John Fox said, “Tim Tebow sparked the team today. [But] we haven’t had a chance to watch the tape, we haven’t had a chance to watch the film, we haven’t had a chance to visit as a staff. So, I think at this point -- we have a bye week -- we do need to improve offensively, and it will all be up for discussion.” Now it is fact that Tim Tebow will start this Sunday. Talking Tebow In what normally would be a boring matchup between the Denver Broncos and Miami Dolphins is now one of the most anticipated games for the two franchises. The winner of course is CBS and the NFL Sunday Ticket that will broadcast the game. The talking heads of the sports radio world and football pregame shows have plenty of fodder to dish out. The former University of Florida college football star and 2010 first-round pick already has his detractors spouting off. CBS’ Bill Cower said, “I think he has limitations and ultimately can become a legitimate quarterback. But they won’t win a championship” with him. Not to be outdone, Fox’s Michael Strahan added, “You have to wonder how many people want him to be successful. There’s only so much you can change in an offense. … All of a sudden they have a new quarterback, and everyone is yelling to change everything for him. How many players are going to accept that?” Well change has already begun

with the trade of wide receiver Brandon Lloyd to the St. Louis Rams for a sixth-round draft pick in the 2012 draft. Expect more changes to occur. Since Tebow is better suited for taking snaps in the shotgun formation the Broncos will have to make personnel changes to better suit him. A Polarizing Figure Tim Tebow is one of the few NFL players to actually have a college football rule named after him. “The Tebow Rule” went into effect this season for NCAA football players wearing messages on eye paint. Apparently Tebow wore John 3:16 on his eye paint during the 2009 BCS Championship Game. This resulted in 92 million people searching for this on Google. Now the NFL and the NCAA prohibit players from doing this. Tebow will certainly have his Christian supporters and they will stick by him through thick and thin. His performance on the field as a starting NFL quarterback has yet to be seen. One thing is sure; he’s now a field general. Will the troops follow?

MUST SEE TV NCAA: #4 Wisconsin

vs. #15Michigan

Sat. October 22 – 7:00PM – Spartan Stadium – ESPN


The Badgers are rolling right now and need a statement game to prove their high ranking is nothing to laugh at. Their offense is the best that the expanded Big Ten has to offer. Running back Montee Ball is something special. The Spartans are riding high after defeating in-state rival Michigan last week. QB Kirk Cousins must run a ball control offense for the Spartans to win.

@StephenAtHome Stephen Colbert

I don’t just oppose gay marriage, I also oppose reggae marriage. It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and a relaxing backbeat.

S av i n g y o u f r o m c a r pa l T H UM B s y m p t o m s !

MLB: World Series Rangers vs. Cardinals Wed. October 19 – 7:05PM – Busch Stadium – FOX

Game 1 of the Fall Classic sets the stage between the Texas Rangers and the St. Louis Cardinals. The Rangers have been on a tear offensively this postseason while being led by Nelson Cruz. The Cardinals who made the playoffs as a wild card team have returned to the World Series with a standout bullpen and timely hitting. Look for a slugfest between these two contenders. Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook


October 19 – 25 , 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 17


NBA LOCKOUT Players bring their poker face, while the owners load the deck.

By Geoff Case

The NBA and the NBAPA are locked in a heated standoff after the first deadline passed by and the league was forced to cancel the first two weeks of the season. David Stern continues to predict gloom and doom of the potential of a lost season, while Billy Hunter and the players “stand united” and claim they won’t back down. It’s anyone’s guess how long this will last, but honestly it’s tough to see how the players have any leverage and can avoid being railroaded by the owners at the bargaining table. The owners for the most part have other businesses to keep them afloat, while there is speculation that a large number of the NBA players live check to check. The player’s union called a meeting in Los Angeles last Friday where only approximately 30 players showed up. This sparse attendance was shocking considering many players live in the Los Angeles area during the off-season and that two NBA franchises reside within the city limits. The owners have to be chuckling at the “unification” of the players when they can’t get more than two NBA rosters worth of players, much less the league’s superstars, in the same room during these crucial times. To make matters worse for the players, Washington Wizards center JaVale McGee had a few choice words for reporters while walking out of that meeting before it was over. “There’s definitely some guys in there saying that they’re ready to fold, but ... the majority are willing to stand strong,” McGee said. He would later deny the comments via Twitter but a few reporters had recorded audio of the statement. The players collectively have lost approximately $165 million in salaries in the first two weeks. However, they claim to be unfazed by the losses. Their resolve will be tested with their bargaining position growing weaker with every game that is missed. While it’s true that the NBA as an organization, as well as its owners are losing money, they don’t have a cap to how many years they can own a franchise, whereas the players do have a cap on the number of years they can play. Losing a year’s salary during your NBA career (and possibly a year of your best contract) is a lot to swallow. The players are clearly headstrong in their belief a better deal is on the horizon, but it also might be a bit delusional. Visit us online at

“Well, I think it can only get worse for both of us,” Billy Hunter said in response to a question about the owners’ future offers worsening over time because of the losses. “If somebody is pointing a gun at my head, I’m going to point one back at him. That door doesn’t swing one way. It’s not just the players that are going to suffer if there are games lost. What [Stern] has failed to reveal to you is the amount of economic damage they’re going to suffer as a consequence. He points out the players will lose $170 million every two weeks. The owners will lose the same ... amount, coupled with any damage that their franchises sustained as a consequence. The pain is mutual.” Let me be clear, the faults in these negotiations lie with both parties. The owners and players both deserve some of the blame. It was the owners themselves who gave out those bloated contracts that put them into the red. There are also numerous players who simply mailed it in after receiving a big payday (See Baron Davis, Gilbert Arenas, Rashard Lewis). No one here is in the right. However, it’s the fans of the game that are the ones that are ultimately paying the price. We’ve likely seen the start of the cycle of the owners and players trying to recoup their financial losses from missing games and paychecks. Every time they get together to negotiate they will find themselves further apart from agreeing on a suitable deal, meaning the prospects of fans seeing NBA basketball anytime soon grow darker and darker.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 7

OCTOBER 19 – 25, 2011



STARS Stars, Lehtonen off to Fast Start

By Tony Barone

The Dallas Stars could hardly have asked for anything more from their first multi-game home stand of the season. The three-game set wrapped up Saturday with a 4-2 victory over the Columbus Blue Jackets, as the Stars won all three games over teams that expect to be around the eighth and final playoff spot at season’s end. While not all the victories were a thing of beauty, the fact remains that Dallas came away with all six possible points and conceded just one point, a shoot out thriller that the Stars won 2-1 on a goal by Mike Ribeiro. New coach Glen Gulutzan was not complimentary of his team’s effort after the Stars held on to beat the St. Louis Blues 3-2 Thursday night. “What did we say Monday? You could say the same thing today,” said Gulutzan. “The room is pretty quiet. I think people are recognizing in that locker room that we had a little bit better

Upcoming Schedule: Oct. 21 @Ducks 9:00pm Oct. 22 @Kings 9:30pm Oct. 25 @Coyotes 9:00pm Oct. 27 vs. Kings 7:30pm Oct. 29 vs. Devils 7:00pm effort than we had before, but our game is still not there. We have a lot of work to do before our goalie gets too tired. We have a lot of work to do.” Gulutzan praised goalie Kari Lehtonen saying he has single handedly won two games for the Stars. Steve Ott summed up Lehtonen’s performance so far this season. “We need to find a way to lessen his work load,” said Ott. “Let’s be honest, he doesn’t need to be seeing 40 every night. I know there are a lot of outside shots going on but he’s made some pretty solid point blank saves as well.” This all paints the picture of a team in distress but they’re still 4-1-0 on the young season, and learning how to play the way their coach wants them to, while collecting points at the same time.

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October 19 – 25 , 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 17


TCU is ready for the Lobos Casey Pachall threw two touchdown passes and TCU took advantage of four San Diego State turnovers to hang on for a 27-14 win in their game before the ye last week. Both of Pachall’s scoring throws came in the first half on strikes to Antoine Hicks and Josh Boyce. After halftime, The Horned Frogs (4-2, 2-0 Mountain West) built a 20-0 lead by the third quarter. The Aztecs came within 6 in the second half making the score 20-14 on a pair of touchdown passes by Ryan Lindley, but they got no closer. Pachall completed 14 of 22 passes for 212 yards with two interceptions as TCU outgained

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By Tommy Smith

By Tony Barone

Caution: Tough Road Ahead How good are the SMU Mustangs? The answer can be found on the road ahead. After disposing of last year’s Conference USA Champion Central Florida Knights 38-17 at Ford Stadium, the Mustangs pack their bags for Hattiesburg to take on the Golden Eagles of Southern Mississippi. It will be a matchup of two 5-1 teams as the Golden Eagles come into the game off of a bye week riding a four game winning streak. SMU has now put together their own five game winning streak after this season’s only loss to Texas A&M opening day. J.J. McDermott continues to make the most of his opportunity to run the offense for Head Coach June Jones. McDermott was 2031 for 358 yards and two more touchdowns last Saturday in the win over UCF. That is impressive considering Central Florida had yet to give up a passing touchdown on the season and was allowing just 100 yards per game through the air. Central Florida was prepared to stop Zach Line on the ground, therefore, so it was imperative that the Mustangs threw the ball well on the Knights defense. Half of McDermott’s passes were caught by WR Cole Beasley who left the game after 10 catches for 134 yards and a touchdown with a

San Diego State, 446-296, including 234 yards on the ground. TCU won its 43rd straight game when rushing for more yards than passing. TCU had three interceptions, by Johnny Fobbs, Kris Gardner and Jason Verrett, after entering the game with just two picks on the season. All three interceptions were the first career snatches for each of the three players. TCU set a Mountain West record with its 19th consecutive conference win, breaking a tie with BYU. TCU was able to get some rest coming out of a bye week and is gearing up to play the winless New Mexico Lobos at home on October 22.

gimpy knee. Special teams were big as well in the game as Richard Crawford turned in two long returns. The second was a 92-yard punt return he took to the house. Defensively the Mustangs continue to play well giving up just 85 yards a game on the ground. That ranked second in the conference and 11th in the nation entering play last week. The unit was also second in the conference in total defense and scoring defense giving up just over 20 points a game. They will look to coral USM quarterback Austin Davis who was named the conference’s offensive player of the week after the Golden Eagles beat up Navy 63-35 in their last contest. Southern Miss is led on the ground by running back Kendrick Hardy who is averaging 5.9 yards per carry.



VOL. 4 – ISSUE 7

OCTOBER 19 – 25, 2011

By Sonny Capps

By Frank LaCosta

I’ve been talking about this for several weeks now…there are four quarters in the game of football. UNT did well and in my opinion had a chance for the win if they would have continued their efforts into the 4th quarter. This team has been subjected to to play some quality football teams through their out-of-conference games. UNT may have taken some losses, but they played with effort and determination for the most part. As of late, there has been an absence of focus in the 4th quarter, whether the Mean Green has been leading or not. This game against ULL is a prime

example; UNT played a sound game right up until the last 15 minutes. The result…murder! I’m now conflicted on what the problem is, somebody is getting comfortable with the effort, either the coaches or the players. UNT now has to deal with another Louisiana team when they try to pick up a win against ULM this week. This Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks team isn’t very different from last week’s Louisiana-Lafayette. They can move the ball around and they can put some points up. The Warhawks’ defense has a solid core and will test the efforts of their foes. The few wins they have been able to post have been against opponents that didn’t execute their offensive game plan. Everybody is going to make mistakes; UNT must take advantage of these errors to get a leg up as they go through their conference schedule over the next few months. Just as in anything you face, you must use the tools you have to create success. Dunbar had three 100+ yard games entering last week, that rushing streak will now have to start again. The game plan that Coach McCarney has been providing has been stellar for the first three quarters of each game. To move this team out of the middle of the pack and into a contender, there will have to be a lasting effort... (Read: four quarters) from coaches and players. Even though this game is at home, the Warhawks will definitely determine where the Mean Green places them in conference. Producing a win won’t be from lack of talent; it will all depend on execution…for the entire game. I made the call, let’s see if everyone can show up for 60 minutes. LA-MONROE vs. NORTH TXAS SAT. OCT. 22 – 6:00 pm APOGEE STADIUM

BIG XII Game of the Week



Sporting a 6-0 record and undefeated in conference play, the Oklahoma State Cowboys are starting to receive some national recognition. They’re currently at the #6 spot in the AP and Coaches Polls and #4 in the first BCS rankings for this year. The Cowboys are five games away from the Bedlam Series showdown with Oklahoma and perhaps a Big 12 Title. The first order of business is to put away the Missouri Tigers this weekend. The Cowboys are fresh off a 38-26 victory over the Texas Longhorns in Austin. The Cowboys continue to pile up yardage and points and will need momentum as they play on the road against the Tigers. 28 year-old QB Brandon Weeden wasn’t at his best last Saturday. He only completed about half of his passes. He has passed for a touchdown in every game this season and has yet to be intercepted since conference play began. Running back Jeremy Smith has kept pace with Weeden in the touchdown department by rushing for a TD in every game this season. He had a monster game against Texas with a 140 yard rushing performance on seven carries. That’s a 20-yard average! Wide receiver Justin Blackmon has cooled off a bit this season but the Heisman hopeful is still Weeden’s favorite target in a pinch. The defense, which isn’t a strength of the team, has been serviceable. They locked down on A&M and Texas when called upon in tight games. Look for more of the same on Saturday. The Missouri Tigers might be looking for a new home in the future but for right now is fielding a competitive team. The Tigers have lost three games so far. Earlier in the season they lost an overtime game against Arizona State when head coach Gary Pinkel outsmarted himself by icing his own kicker and lost close games to Oklahoma and Kansas State. Last week the team got back on track by annihilating Iowa State 52-17. Quarterback James Franklin from Corinth has stepped up his play this season. Even though he is a young quarterback he has the arm and wheels to be a difference maker. Look for running back Henry Josey to handle the rushing duties. He isn’t a threat to catch many passes but does possess speed. Franklin likes getting the ball to wide receiver T.J. Moe and tight end Michael Egnew. The defense will give up points, lots of them. If the Tigers are to stand a chance they’ll have to win a shoot out. OKLAHOMA STATE vs. MISSOURI SAT. OCT. 22 – 11:00am / FX FAUROT FIELD


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October 19 – 25 , 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 17



By Jay Betsill Twitter @thefamousjay

The Dallas Cowboys returned from their bye week with a road contest against the New England Patriots. While practically no one gave Dallas a realistic chance of keeping the game close, the Cowboys found themselves up by three points with two minutes remaining in the game. They had overcome turnovers, several costly Anthony Spencer penalties and had come back from a 13-3 deficit midway through the second quarter. It would end up as the 32nd successful comeback of Tom Brady’s career in games the Patriots trailed or were tied in the fourth quarter as he led New England on an 80-yard drive that started with 2:31 left. His 8-yard touchdown pass to tight end Aaron Hernandez propelled the Pats to a 20-16 victory and dropped Dallas below .500 at 2-3. Patriots coach Bill Belichick and Brady have won 116 regular-season games together, tying Miami’s Don Shula and Dan Marino for the most in NFL history. Rob Ryan’s defense put up a good fight as it was the first time the Patriots were held under 30 points since last Nov. 7 -- when they played the Cleveland Browns with its defense also coached under Ryan. Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo went 27 of 41 for 317 yards with one touchdown and one interception in his game back from the devastating 34-30 loss to the Lions. DeMarcus Ware had two sacks for Dallas, giving him seven in five games this season. It was Ware’s franchise record 20th multi-sack game of his career besting Jim Jeffcoat and Greg Ellis who each had 19. The Cowboys have now lost two games by four points and one by three. “This team is continuing to grow and get better,” Romo said. “We just need to finish a game like today.” The Cowboys return home to Arlington to do battle with the 0-5 St. Louis Rams who have their 24-3 beating at the hands of the defending Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers fresh on their minds. St. Louis quarterback Sam Bradford was 28 of 44 for 321 yards with an interception for the Rams, who were coming off their bye week as well. Rams running back Steven Jackson had 18 carries for 96 yards, but the team failed to convert any red zone opportunities. “For whatever reason, we get into the red

Upcoming Schedule: 10/16 @ New England 16-20 loss 10/23 St. Louis 10/30 @ Philadelphia 11/6 Seattle 11/13 Buffalo 11/20 @ Washington

zone, we keep shooting ourselves in the foot,” Jackson said. The Rams defense did little to help out as Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers threw three touchdowns, including a career-long 93yard catch and run to Jordy Nelson. With Miles Austin back in Romo’s arsenal with seven catches

for 74 yards against New England, expect the two of them to connect often against the Rams. St. Louis also ranks 32nd against the run, giving rookie DeMarco Murray a chance should Felix Jones’ ankle injury linger. “We do not accept losing and our actions will reflect that,” Rams head coach Steve Spagnuolo said. “It is about winning football games, not moral victories.”

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By Joe Avezzano In a very intense down to the wire ball game versus the New England Patriots, the Dallas Cowboys came out a 20-16 loser. There will be no debate about the effort or the preparation for the game, but as always there will be questions about certain moments in the game where decisions were made that influenced the outcome of the game. Now the questions fall on Jason Garrett’s shoulders as to his play calling. Last game against the Lions with a lead he was soundly criticized for throwing the football — and Romo throwing three interceptions, thus losing the game. Fast-forward two weeks and with 3:36 left in the game and the lead, Garrett chose to run the football. That didn’t work and it contributed to the loss... Good? Bad? Let’s take a look at the situation. By running the ball the Cowboys forced New England to use two time outs. Dallas defense had been playing very well. With two minutes or so to go Brady was average at best, throwing for around 220 yards with two interceptions. Garrett decided to put the game on the defense for one more series. Earlier in the year this philosophy was used and it worked. Don’t tell me yeah, but this is Tom Brady. You can run scared or believe your defense can make one more stop. In this case it took a fantastic throw against very good coverage to produce a win for New England. The reality is that this game at this time the entire team didn’t get it done. The offense couldn’t produce one last little drive and the defense couldn’t stop them one last time. Which decision are you going to criticize, the Lions or the Patriots? This was not a game of perfection. It was a game of excellent competition… In the first half the game featured defense, turnovers, penalties and one excellent drive by the Cowboys. It’s the second half that I would have more of an issue with, such as first and goal on the seven. A safe shovel pass was attempted instead of giving Dez Bryant one chance at least to catch a fade. That’s not one of my favorite plays, but give the athlete a chance to make a great play. In this game the Cowboys bested the Patriots in most categories. They certainly won the ball possession battle, which is extremely important against the Patriots. The turnover battle is usually an indicator and the Cowboys won that. But as we know there is only one stat that matters. Points! Decision making during the heat of the battle is always more difficult then post game analysis. There is a philosophy handed down by the great Ernie Zampese (Offensive co-coordinator for the ‘95 championship team and guru of Norv Turner, Jason Garrett and many others) that the only good call is the one that works. Sounds simple and it is. This is a bottom line business and people in the industry understand that but bristle at second-guessing from people that have never been in that pressure cooker. So they live with the fact that you’re damned if you do and you re damned if you don’t! Joe Avezzano can be heard Tuesday nights at 7pm on 95.3FM and on all Cowboy postgame shows on 105.3 The Fan. He can be seen on Channel 21 on Wednesday nights at 7:30pm. Join him for great food, sports, music and his TV show on Wednesday nights.



VOL. 4 – ISSUE 7

OCTOBER 19 – 25, 2011


By Cote Bailey - The Texas Rangers started out as the new Washington Senators. No not those Washington Senators, those guys became the Minnesota Twins. Instead, the 1961 expansion Senators became the Texas Rangers in 1972 just in time for bushy porno looking mustaches and Nixon’s visit to China. The Rangers first Western Division Championship came in 1996 (the International Year for the Eradication of Poverty...I’m glad we don’t have to worry about that anymore). Jeff Burroughs was crowned with the Rangers first AL MVP award in 1974, the same year Mike Hargrove won AL Rookie of the year. The Texas Rangers have 3 retired numbers; 26 Johnny Oates, 34 Nolan Ryan and 42 Jackie Robinson Retired by MLB. The Rangers record for Most Home Runs in a season is 57 by Alex Rodriguez in 2002 (remember back when he used to be something other than the guy who hits after Jeter?). As a Texas Ranger, Nolan Ryan struck out 7 consecutive batters on July 7, 1991. Despite making it to the World Series two consecutive years, the Rangers have only had one franchise perfect game. Kenny Rogers 1994 vs. the California Angels.

Ranger’s Ballpark in Arlington was built by Manhattan Construction Company headquartered in Tulsa, Oklahoma, but has an office in Dallas with the actual Texas Rangers (the ones like Walker) being based out of Austin…sheesh. If the Rangers take home the Commissioner’s Trophy it will mark the first World Series title to come to the state of Texas in the Series’ 108* year history. *the Series was boycotted in 1904 and a strike ended the 1994 season.

Photos Courtesy: WBUR, Tony Unruh, BaseballBacks

Ranger’s Captain is the team’s official mascot wearing number 72, which remember was the team’s inaugural year. What can I say, the horse likes to remember where he came from.

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october 19 – 25, 2011

By Mark Miller -


fter playing in their first World Series in franchise history last year, the Texas Rangers had just one overall goal for 2011. To achieve it, they first had to win the American League West division, and then beat Tampa Bay in the American League Division Series and the Detroit Tigers in the AL Championship Series. Now they must win just four more games in the next week to capture their first World Series title. But to do so, they‘ll have to get past the St. Louis Cardinals, one of baseball‘s most storied franchises and a virtual mirror image of themselves. Both led their leagues in hitting, their pitching staffs gave up runs at about the same pace, their managers like to take chances and their much-maligned bullpens have been instrumental in the playoffs. Oddly, the franchises have met only once in interleague play (in 2004) and never in St. Louis. So in this finale of the most unpredictable 2011 season, get ready for the unexpected.

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 7


The Rangers have said all season that losing last year‘s World Series to the San Francisco Giants gave them the experience and incentive to prepare for this year. They‘ve proven that so far with a clubrecord 96 regular-season wins and impressive playoff series against the Rays and Tigers to become the first American League team to play in consecutive World Series since the New York Yankees in 200001. “It‘s been a group commitment,” Rangers Manager Ron Washington told “We weren‘t very happy with [the last Series] results and we certainly knew that we were a better team than we showed.” After leading the major leagues in regular-season batting average at .283, it took them until Saturday‘s final game against Detroit for everyone to return to form with a nine-run third inning in a 15-5 victory. Seven players had at least two hits and one run batted in. Before that it was primarily Nelson Cruz, who won games 2 and 4 with extra inning home runs on his way to a record six home runs, 13 runs batted in and a well-deserved ALCS most valuable player honor. Texas will especially need similar output from Cruz and all his fellow hitters in St. Louis where there will be no designated hitter. That means someone like Mitch Moreland, David Murphy, Endy Chavez or Craig Gentry will not hit ninth. Look for Michael Young to play first base in all St. Louis games with whoever joins Cruz and Josh Hamilton in the outfield batting ahead of the pitcher. Moreland should play more in Arlington. While the Rangers finally displayed their offensive prowess, the main reason they beat the Rays and Tigers was their stellar relief core. Leading the way has been Scott Feldman with no runs and three hits in 8 2/3 innings, Alexi Ogando with one run and four hits and two wins in 10 1/3 and closer Neftali Feliz with one run, three hits and four saves in 7 2/3 innings. The relievers have had to shine because the Rangers starters have faltered. None made it to the fifth inning against Detroit and only Matt Harrison did against Tampa Bay. For the Rangers to succeed against St. Louis, starters C.J. Wilson, Derek Holland, Colby Lewis and Harrison must return to their regular-season form when all won at least 13 games. The Rangers also would like to get their running game going after stealing just three bases against Tampa Bay and Detroit.


After trailing the wild card race by 10½ games in late August, even diehard St. Louis fans had to wonder if the Cardinals would make the playoffs. But a strong finish plus vanquishing the heavily favored Philadelphia Phillies in five games and Milwaukee Brewers in six advanced the Cardinals to their 18th World Series appearance. St. Louis has won 10 times, second only to the 27 titles by the New York Yankees. The Cardinals led the National League in hitting at .273 and feasted on the finesse right-handers of the Milwaukee Brewers for 12 runs twice in the National League Championship Series. Once perennial All-Star first baseman Albert Pujols got going in Game 2, the Cardinals won four of their last five. Pujols hit .478 with two home runs and nine runs batted in.   But it was contributions of people like National League Championship Series Most Valuable Player David Freese that was most surprising. The Cardinals third baseman batted .545 with three home runs and nine runs batted in against Milwaukee.   St. Louis had the same pitching mix as the Rangers except for starter Chris Carpenter. Relievers Lance Lynn, Fernando Salas, Mark Rzepczynski, former Ranger Arthur Rhodes and closer Jason Motte helped stifle Milwaukee‘s sluggers the entire series yielding just six earned runs in 28 2/3 innings.


The Rangers have a deeper overall pitching staff and better top-tobottom offensive lineup than the Cardinals. St. Louis has an edge in managerial experience and an ace starter in Carpenter who shut out the Phillies 1-0 to win the NLCS and could pitch three times against Texas. After feasting on Milwaukee‘s right-handed finesse pitchers, the Cardinals could have problems with the Rangers‘ power starters of primarily left-handers. Ranger pitchers must pitch the Cardinals inside, something Milwaukee wouldn‘t do after an early warning to both teams.   It’s also important for the Rangers to score early and often to put their running game in motion and take the pressure off both the start-

ers and bullpen. The Rangers have two wildcards that may give them the edge. One is having Ogando in the bullpen. The other is pitching coach Mike Maddux, who knows the Cardinals well from his days as Milwaukee‘s pitching coach.   History is on the Rangers‘ side. Of the previous 21 teams to return to the World Series the year after losing one, nine have won the second time. No American League team has lost consecutive World Series since the Yankees in 196364 and the National League hasn‘t won back-to-back since 1979-82.   Ironically, the last team to win a World Series the year after losing one was the 1989 A‘s under LaRussa. Look for the Rangers to turn the tables on him by winning this series in six games.

World Series Sched

(All Games on Fox) 10/19 @Cardinals 7:0 10/20 @Cardinals 7:0 10/22 Cardinals 7:0 10/23 Cardinals 7:0 10/24 Cardinals 7:0 10/26 @Cardinals 7:0 10/27 @Cardinals 7:0 *If necessary

Photos Courtesy: Darryl Briggs, Joe Lorenzini, Djh57, shgmom56, Keith Allison,

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 7 october 19 – 25, 2011



05pm 05pm 05pm 05pm 05pm* 05pm* 05pm*

, Mike Tigas

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October 19 – 25 , 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 17

Blitz babe of the week

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 7

OCTOBER 19 – 25, 2011

Restaurant review


FanFair Fun you can afford

By Vivian Fullerlove

If you haven’t made it to the State Fair yet because you think it’s just too hard on the wallet, I think I have just the solution for you. Right in the heart of all the action The Dock Restaurant has the fair fare answer for you and the family; come out and enjoy some family fun and get some tasty treats while you’re there. The Dock Restaurant and Fernie’s Funnel Cakes are one of the mainstays at the delicacies, and this year they’re rolling back the prices for fairgoers on a nutritious and delicious line of gluten free tasty tacos for only $2 each! Families won’t have to choose between riding that one last ride, playing that one last game on the Midway or sitting down for some mouth watering state fair fare. “We realize that it is tough times for a lot of folks,” says Christi Erpillo, who runs Winters Family Concessions with her mother and sisters. “We wanted to give moms and dads bringing their kids to the fair a much needed price break by offering some really great food at affordable prices. I mean eating at the concession stands is a big part of the fun of going to the fair, and we wanted to make that a little easier for folks to do.” The Winters will be serving up shredded pork, brisket, chicken and veggie tacos at their La Cantina location on the fairgrounds, which is the only original restaurant concession stand that remains from the 1936 Texas Exposition! In addition to serving up some of the best tasting treats and eats and a selection of 32 craft beers at the fair, La Cantina is also rich in history and tradition from the beautiful mosaics that embellish the restaurant walls, to the vintage decor, it is truly a remarkable hidden treasure. 

The Dock and La Cantina are located inside the Embarcadero Building at the corner of Admiral Nimitz and Keating Streets on the fair grounds.

Dallas Polo Club


And just a quick reminder, the fair will be open until October 23rd at 10pm. Come out and taste Texas.


C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1

Photos Courtesy: Robert Williams, Dalton, Renata Chebel, Ricardo Diaz, David Wolf, Skanska Matupplevelser

WED. 10/19

Man vs. Office – with Dave Fleming Pocket Sandwich Theatre - Dallas Finally, you get a chance to laugh at someone else as they get held down by the man. After you see what Dave goes through at work suddenly your cubicle won’t see so small anymore. Curtains go up at 6:15pm.

thurs. 10/20

Delish at Galleria Dallas Galleria – Dallas Nosh on samples from Grand Lux, The Grill on the Alley, Second Floor Bistro and more. Tickets are 50 smackers, but they benefit a charity of your choice. Forks go up at 6pm.

fri. 10/21

Food Truck SmackDown Sunset Lounge Dallas If you enjoy eating food that comes from a kitchen with a steering wheel this is your kind of competition. The best of the food truckers will battle it out for the crown. Tickets $50-$125. Dinner pulls up at 7:30pm.

sat. 10/22

House of Plates Official House Launch Party El Sibil – Dallas The perfect blend of good food and good music will be shaken up like a Bond martini at this launch party that will benefit charity. Expect music, food, and fashion. Shake yo groove thang at 7pm.

sun. 10/23

Texas State Veggie Fair White Rock Lake – Dallas Come enjoy tasty healthy food, eclectic music and performers; there will be cooking demos, guest speakers and arts & crafts booths. Win prizes at carnival games and have a great time starting at 11am.

mon. 10/24

Hubble – IMAX Movie at the Omni Theater FW Museum of Science & History – Fort Worth Leave your worldly cares behind and boldly go to Fort Worth and check out space to the soothing voice of Leonardo DiCaprio. I know what you’re thinking, “he’s no Jean Luc Picard.” Daily.

tues. 10/25

Moxley Manor Haunted House 510 Harwood Rd. – Bedford We ran into the Boogeyman, Jason, Freddy and Gozilla in line for this haunted house and they were all telling us how scary it was… weird right? Start shaking in your boots at 7pm.

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October 19 – 25 14 Local Entertainment

, 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 17



with Rowan Atkinson

By Vivian Fullerlove It’s been almost a decade since our last adventure with British Secret Agent Johnny English. Rowan Atkinson returns to the role of the accidental secret agent who doesn’t know fear or danger in the comedy spy-thriller Johnny English Reborn. I sat down with Atkinson who talked about the enduring character and his homage to James Bond. It’s been a while since Johnny English was on the scene. What’s he been doing all these years?

At the beginning of the film, Johnny English has clearly been fired from British Intelligence some years previously, and we discover him in the hills of Tibet finding himself again, and he is persuaded to come out of retirement by British Intelligence in order to fulfill a very particular function and take on a very particular job which he alone can fulfill. So it’s Johnny to the rescue. What is it about this character that makes people root for him?

Johnny English in the end, and what you do sell, I think as credible is that he is a decent bloak. He overreaches himself. He’s overambitious. He’s vain. He’s far too full of self-regard, which gets him into trouble, but in the end, he means well. He tries hard. He’s honest. He’s decent, and there are lots of other characters in our story that are none of

those things.

It’s been almost a decade since the last film, what if anything is different or better about Reborn?

It is definitely a bigger film than the first one. It’s not any bigger in scale but in ambition. We wanted something more complex, more of a comedy thriller rather than just a comedy parody. We’ve tried to give it some foundation and some more credibility. The only challenge from a personal point of view is because there is a lot more action than I did in the first movie with all these fights and hanging off cable cars in the Swiss Alps and things which was personally something I didn’t do or was not involved in with the first film. I found it physically a lot more challenging than I found the first film you know, eight years later. So really, it should have been the other way around. I should have done the more actiony one eight years ago and the less actiony one now. I found it quite challenging, and it caught me by surprise from time to time despite the existence of extremely good stunt doubles and what have you, but nevertheless, I survived and the film got made. You mentioned making it “more than a parody” of the James Bond films. If not a parody, what would you call it?

James Bond is a genre that I love. I

watched them from an extremely young age, and I’ve always loved the combination of the glamour and the action and the wit. I think what we’ve really done with Johnny English as opposed to Austin Powers and all those more obvious parody comedy spy movies, I think all we’ve done with Johnny English is try to have more comedy and wit and slightly less glamour and action, although in this film, we’ve tried to push all three or four qualities. But, I always thought the first film was not much more than a Roger Moore James Bond film with a slightly more ludicrous central character and a lot more jokes. But in terms of tone, location and style, it’s sort of a Bond movie, and that’s what we’ve tried to replicate again with Johnny English Reborn. I hope to a greater extent this story is more interesting, engaging and enjoyable. What do you want audiences to take away from this film?

I hope one enjoys the film more because you’re more invested in Johnny English as someone you want to win and you want to see win; so, my hope is you will have a more engaging emotional story and character arc to the story and be highly amused by the occasionally ludicrous way in which he goes about his job.

Johnny English Reborn opens nationwide this week. The film is rated PG for mild action violence, rude humor and some language and brief sensuality.

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By C. Patterson

The time has come for a career change. I need to submit my résumé for a position in the Executive Suites of Universal Pictures. I mean think about it, those guys live the life; sit back sip frappucinos and come up with ideas for movies that have already been produced twice over. Brilliant. In steps The Thing, a prequel of the original film also titled The Thing (my résumés going through the printer as we speak). The latter, John Carpenter’s 1982 terrifying cult classic, was inspired by the 1951 Howard Hawks & Christian Nyby film The Thing from Another World. Hence, a film concept that has been used more than Lindsay Lohan’s Valtrex prescription. At least this Thing attempts to establish its own identity. Norwegian scientists (subsequently the same team from the beginning of Carpenter’s take) stumble upon an alien life form that has the quirky habit of eating people then morphing into their exact replica. Normally this would be the ingredient that nightmares are made of, but this crew of cabin fevered, delusional, overly yet justifiably paranoid Norwegians, Americans, and a Frenchwoman just makes me miss Kurt Russell. The backdrop of all alone in Antarctica further heightens the fear of having an extraterrestrial with the taste for Northwestern Europeans on the loose. With an understanding of gross-you-out special effects this movie accomplishes it’s goal; make your girlfriend bury her face into your chest for the entire movie. As far as the acting goes, as long as you don’t go looking for The Goodbye Girl you shouldn’t be disappointed. Mary Elizabeth Winstead had a solid performance as the resident Ellen Ripley of the film, American paleontologist Kate Lloyd. And the ghoulish looking Ulrich Thomsen plays the not so lovable head scientist, Dr. Sander, who unleashes the Thing upon the world. Kate, Dr. Sander and the rest of the crew have to determine who’s an alien and who’s just creepy. Aware that the creature can assume any life form it wishes post digestion means picking out when your spidey senses are telling you something’s amiss from your near hypothermia induced Antarctic paranoia is anyone’s guess. Somewhere between the discovery of we’re not alone in this universe, E.T wants to eat us and don’t trust anyone because they may be A.L.F. in a people suit diplomatic relations between the Americans and the Norwegians goes to sh!t. But by the end of the film things return to their normal global socio-economic balance with the Americans on top. The Thing fails to be as groundbreaking as the first and as grotesquely shocking as the second. If there is one thing (see I could use the word thing multiple times too – take that Hollywood) we can learn from this sci-fi/horror/thriller…shoot the dog first.

15 Local Entertainment

OCTOBER 19 – 25, 2011 Photo Courtesy: Amy White

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 7

By Mateeka Lanee’ -

An Insider’s Guide to Dallas Nightlife

They say everything’s bigger in Texas: the highways, the buildings and the people’s wallets (or, at least, that’s what the Governor would like to have us think). In the city of Dallas, as any of your out-of-town relatives could probably attest to, this is pretty apparently the case. From the Cowboys Stadium to the AT&T Performing Arts Center and countless bars and clubs in between, some of the state’s best entertainment can be found in the Metroplex. Whether you’re hunting for a live music spot, a great late-late night restaurant, or just a place to perfectly pour your brew and see the game, you can find it here (though you may have to periodically dodge downtown vagrants). I recently spoke with local bartenders, promoters, and people whose very job is to be constantly on the cusp of what’s new to help you find the best places to eat, drink and possibly not remember any of it in the morning. For Dallas’ nocturnal, it’s those places often hidden in plain view that are most worth discovering. Best Places For Live Music, Large crowds & Big acts: “TREES is the best place by far, for everything from country to rock to electronica.” - Jason Gray -- …or, for smaller crowds and good music: “Reno’s Chop Shop for great metal.” – Jessica Lopez --

Normally during Texas/OU weekend I go to the grocery store and shop like a blizzard is on its way. I make sure I have eggs, milk, beer, a few new DVDs – the essentials – so I don’t have to venture outside. No amount of carefully crafted sentences can express the unadulterated horror that seized me when my sister-in-law Amy pointed out that we needed to be at the Granada Theater to see Cody Canada and The Departed early since it was Texas/OU weekend. If it was not her birthday and if I had not previously agreed to write this review for my editor I would have politely informed her that I needed to go stock up on microwave pizzas and chick flicks and called it a night. But sadly, it was her birthday and my editor did seem very interested in what I’d have to say about Cody Canada’s newest project. Dude can sing but my encounters with him as a person have been far less than enchanting. Amy’s husband, Sean, is currently deployed in Afghanistan so her life has been a series of girls-nights for months. The night of the Granada show was no different. I put on the shortest skirt I own and pulled on my thriftstore cowboy boots and the two of us parked her 3/4 ton truck into the itty-bitty parking lot at Snuffers. My anxiety about the event stemmed largely from the fact that Cody Canada and his band, The Departed, are all a.) from Oklahoma and b.) have all been instrumental in the Red Dirt movement which originated out of the same state. Canada came to fame in the much-loved Red Dirt band Cross Canadian Ragweed. That act toured and recorded for ten years but called it quits in October of last year. Cody Canada and The Departed are a Red Dirt super group boasting Jeremy Plato of CCR and also Seth James of Ray Wylie Hub-

bard fame, Steve Littleton and Dave Bowen formerly with Stoney LaRue. After several Shiners and a significant amount of bitching about our respective experiences with their temperamental front man we caught the tail end of local act Somebody’s Darling. These guys are phenomenal, by the way, I highly recommend you check them out. Even when I was in college Frat guys weren’t my thing, especially the Okie variety that sport camo hats and polos. Surrounded by them and copious amounts of Miller Light, Cody Canada took the stage. I tend to forget any misgivings I have about the man when he starts to do his thing. A band with a footing more solid than CCR, The Departed are the logical next step in a still developing art form. And though Canada gracefully steps aside once in a while allowing Seth James and Jeremy Plato a wellreceived spot at the mic he’s still a Class-A jerk. Several die-hard female fans squirmed to the lip of the stage and called for CCR tunes. After two or three breaks between numbers an obviously annoyed Canada grabbed his set list off the stage, taped it to the mic-stand and said – into the microphone, mind-you – “If you came to hear Ragweed tunes you’re gonna have to go back in time, lady.” The humiliated fan left the stage and I didn’t see her again. The rest of the set was killer. Musically the band makes all the right decisions and Cody Canada is, as always, a capable guitarist. After the show Mr. Canada came out to sign autographs and Amy approached him. His expression changed when he saw her and changed again when she explained her husband was deployed in the Middle East and couldn’t be there. He took the beer koozie and half-ass “signed” it with his sharpie. After flinging it in her general direction Amy rolled her eyes and walked out the door. Typical.

By Hannah Allen

Best Place to Catch the Game and Knock Back a Few: “Draft Picks is a good place, between Victory Park and the West End.” – Jason Gray -- “You can sometimes see a Rangers player or Dallas Stars guy at Foozie’s (Sports Bar, in Baytown) – Melody Lowe -- Best Place to Catch a Glimpse of Dallas Celebrities: “I always make reservations at Rio Room. If James Bond had a private lair, this would be the place. With the exception of PM Lounge, every other club in Dallas smells like worn-out Louboutins, melted swiped plastic, and regret. I wouldn’t waste my time anywhere else.” – Austin Staubus -- Manager, Play-N-Skills, contributing writer at Fresh New Tracks “The Loon, across from West Village. They have super strong drinks, it’s laidback…Owen Wilson goes there a lot.” – Melody Lowe -- Best Dive Bar “O.E. Penguin’s…people can go to have a good time, the bartenders are friendly.” – Jason Gray -- The “Hidden Gem” of Dallas Night Spots “Rio Room is more exclusive, out of the way…Thursdays have cool indie DJ’s, Tiesto, Chromeo have come through…but Saturdays are a carnival, crazy busy.” – Melody Lowe -- “The Trophy Room […] a refined palace of local music, patio lounging and bull riding.” – And at the bar “Be patient; we’ll get to you,” says Aaron Wang, bartender at Wish Ultra Lounge, among other places he serves. “You’re giving us money; we’re not going to ignore you on purpose.” Also: tip up front. “99% of people who say they’ll tip you at the end, don’t.”

Photos Courtesy: Nathan Meijer, Martin Terber, D. Robert Wolcheck, Marcof

Cody Canada and The Departed

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October 19 – 25 , 2011

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 17

Man world

Photo Courtesy: David Goodspeed

The SPECS Engine 1.5L L4 SOHC 16-valve + electric motor

2011 CR-Z EX:

HP (hp@rpm) 122 @ 6000

Looks Fast Standing Still

By David Goodspeed

The CR-Z from Honda was a bit of a surprise for me: A surprise it took Honda so long to come out with a modern version of its popular little car; a surprise it came out as a hybrid; and a surprise that I found myself a little disappointed by the whole thing. As a modern CR-X, it has gained a bit of size and heft and as a hybrid it comes up a bit short on gas mileage. The new CR-Z gets worse fuel economy (highway and averaged) than quite a few gasoline-only cars currently in the Honda fleet and even gets bested by both Civic and Insight hybrid stable mates. I am surprised CR-Z offers a manual gearbox in addition to the CVT, a transmission that allows the car to get roughly 10 percent better gas mileage. And I am surprised that Honda has already had to issue a recall for the manual-equipped CR-Z models to

fix a software glitch that could allow the electric motor to spin the opposite direction your shifter choice. The car is billed as a sporty hybrid coupe with aggressive styling and while I agree on the styling point the CR-Z would not make my list of favorite sports cars. Give me a “Z” over the CR-Z any day. I always felt the first-generation Insight hybrid from Honda paid homage to the CR-X. The current Insight almost looks too much like a knock-off of the Prius. Since Honda’s real sport coupe S2000 was yanked off the line a couple of years ago perhaps the automaker should have concentrated its efforts there (like, say, an S3000). The CR-Z uses Honda’s Integrated Motor Assist technology, which I have not been such a big fan of. The constant start/stop of the gasoline engine is not silky smooth and I wish Honda engineers could give their hybrid vehicles

Torque (lb.ft@rpm) 128 @ 1000 Drivetrain Front-wheel drive more of an extended EV range. If you get used the start/stop nature of the IMA system (and you better because quite a few automakers will be coming out with this in new vehicles in the near future as another way to tweak a few mileage points on our way to 2025) the CR-Z operates just fine on the road. Until you look in the rearview mirror and discover the traffic behind you hidden by a large bar splitting the rear glass in the hatch. The new CR-Z features a great design by Honda and I hope it does not go away soon. Just put your heads together to solidify a couple Achilles heals like maybe offer a gas only option and reduce that rearward blind spot. CR-Z is heavier than both the Civic Hybrid and

the Insight but sports an extra 200cc of displacement in the gasoline engine for a bit more overall power so from the driver’s seat performance is a wash. The 2011 CR-Z EX model with NAVI that we tested came as loaded as one can get a CR-Z and rolls in at $23,310. For the record, fuel economy with the manual gearbox is 31 mpg city and 37 mpg highway – better around town than most gas only vehicles but the 37 highway is beaten by more than a handful these days. In terms of environmental footprint the CR-Z is rated a perfect 10 for global warming score and near-perfect 9 for its smog score.

Transmission 6 speed manual / Continuously Variable Transmission Brakes 4-wheel disc ABS Standard Power Steering Standard Front Suspension Independent Rear Suspension Semi-independent

The Difference Between a Man and a Boy is the Price of his Toys! these are for sure to make your want list! Samsung Touchscreen Appified Refrigerators As if you didn’t have enough apps to deal with on your phone. These new Samsung Touchscreen Appified Refrigerators bring the “app for that” craziness to the venerable ice box, with eight-inch touchscreens that let you check the weather, leave notes for other family members, browse recipes, jam out to Pandora, check your Twitter feed, and view photos, right from the kitchen. Oh, and we hear it does pretty well at keeping your food cold, too. Price: $2,700-$3,500

Napoleon Apollo 3-in-1 Smoker Smoke it wet, smoke it dry, or don’t smoke it at all with the Napoleon Apollo 3-in-1 Smoker. Sporting a unique modular design, the Apollo offers three separate cooking chambers, each with its own 20-inch cooking grate, vents, and temperature eyelets for precise heat control, and a horizontal bar with five meat hooks in the upper lid for hanging fish, ribs or sausages. Of course, you don’t have to use all three — remove all but the bottom and it becomes a humble charcoal grill. It’s up to you — so don’t come complaining to us if your idea of using old newspaper as fuel leaves your food with an odd inky flavor. Price: $360

8.7 out of 10 Visit us online at

Console: PC, Xbox 360, PS3 Rating: M Developers: id Software

with whatever else has survived the fallout. This post-apocalyptic future features everything you would expect to see in the following days after the sh!t hits the fan; bandit gangs, mutants, local hostiles and for some reason racers. Rage juggles its gameplay between first-person shooter, roleplaying and racing. Two mutiplayer modes can also be accessed both of which, Legends of the Wasteland and Road Rage, are fairly entertaining and impressive, but tend to get a bit stale.

By Cote Bailey

RAGE The creators of DOOM and QUAKE are at it again and if their newest game is correct, the near future ain’t looking so bright. It’s 2029 and an asteroid has just laid waste to most of mankind on August 23rd, save the date. Luckily, you survived only to be thrown right back to the brink of disaster when your underground haven, an Ark (original right?), malfunctions and leaves you all alone to deal

Don’t get me wrong; Rage has some more than righteous moments. The problem with this game is if you’ve seen Mad Max battle Master Blaster well…spoiler alert…you’ve seen this game. The storyline is nothing new, “in the future life will suck and be really scary.” My advice, savor the gameplay and rely less on the entertainment value of the plot. That way you come out on top instead of feeling shafted. Also make sure to pick up some SPF 6 trillion by the 23rd day of August 2029, I hear its gonna be a scorcher.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 7

Q: What’s the best part of marrying a woman with leprosy? A: She can only give you lip once. Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? A: She gagged.

Sex With The Teacher A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face. She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?” “Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!” The mother is stunned. “You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.” Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.” “That’s right, Dad.” “Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for.” “That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”


Blitz Funnys

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they only screw in a bed.

OCTOBER 19 – 25, 2011

MORE MEXICO MADNESS After an investigation into Mexico’s law enforcement corruption, according to the Associated Press, “...guards and officials at a prison in the northern city of Gomez Palacio had freed inmates belonging to a gang, lent them guns and sent them off in official vehicles to carry out drug-related killings, including the massacre of 17 people. The guards allowed the inmates to return to their cells after the killings so they would be safe...”

NO WONDER THIS DISEASE SPREADS The Dallas Morning News, Oct. 7, 2010, reported officials had found another tuberculosis case stemming from the recent TB outbreak caused by a contagious high school teacher. But, surprisingly, Chris Van Deusen, spokesman for the Texas Department of State Health Services, said, quote, “We’re not providing any demographic information in order to protect the [new] patient’s confidentiality.” (Déjà vu: Typhoid Mary all over again?)

OH, POO/BOO-HOO After death row inmate Lawrence Brewer ordered his final meal (a triple cheeseburger, pizza, fajitas and two chicken-fried steaks, followed with a pint of ice cream), the release of this information caused such an uproar, Texas senator John Whitmire got involved. His reprimand to prison officials, using the words “ridiculous” and “illogical,” soon ended this bountiful feast tradition, leaving the condemned’s last meal the same as all the other prisoners. (Ironically, Brewer left his entire meal uneaten.).

Libra September 23 – October 22 After watching Planet of the Apes you’ll decide that it’s a good idea to receive the first ever baboon-face transplant.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 You’ll be totally unprepared psychologically to what happens to you next Monday.

Aries March 21 – April 19 You will receive phone calls from the world’s most beautiful people asking you how it feels to not be one of them.

Cancer June 22 – July 22 Don’t let your revels in the newly remodeled Dupond Studio keep you from your wife and kids.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 The inaccuracy of your last five horoscopes finally leads you to one inescapable conclusion: You’re actually a Pisces.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 You’re plans to “Occupy Harry Hines” goes awry when you discover that several other ladies have beat you to it!

Taurus April 20 – May 20 Nothing will be what it seems this week. Especially breakfast tacos.

Leo July 23 – August 22 You begin to suspect that the Forces Of Williams are using you for their own purposes after you eat fried chicken for the 10th night in a row.

Gemini May 21 – June 21 Due to technical difficulties, Gemini will unfortunately not be able to provide you with a future this week.

ACROSS: 1. “S.O.S.!” 5. Licoricelike flavor 10. Fool 14. Notion 15. Low point 16. Fabrics made from goat hair 17. Engine sound 18. Sin 20. Understanding another’s feelings 22. Streaked 23. Prevaricate 24. Pains 25. Untarnished 32. Undersides of feet 33. Wild Asian dog 34. Mother 37. Wickedness 38. Not silently 39. Memo 40. Deplete 41. Concepts 42. A financial inspection 43. An outstanding achievement 45. He told fables 49. S

Virgo August 23 – September 22 After a night of downing Vod-Bombs you’ll be dead wrong in your discovery that Red Bull does not in fact give you wings!

50. Graft 53. Besmirched 57. Undependable 59. A Roman emperor 60. Notices 61. Step 62. Home for a pet bird 63. Slave 64. Foe 65. Greek god of love DOWN: 1. Employ 2. Ancient Biblical kingdom 3. Jump 4. Nonintersecting 5. Hymn or national song 6. Not 7. Anagram of “Aid” 8. Transgressions 9. Formerly (archaic) 10. A gold coin of ancient Persia 11. A religious cult 12. Adhesive 13. S S S S 19. Mark 21. Neckwear

25. Purposes 26. Exploded star 27. A radar echo 28. Runs in neutral 29. Young hog 30. Home 31. Old age 34. Means 35. Auditory 36. Distribute 38. American Dental Association 39. Pain in the neck 41. Push 42. Basilica area 44. Fix 45. Bad treatment 46. Anagram of “Sneer” 47. Femme fatale 48. Overweight 51. Ritual 52. Tall story 53. Shut a door forcefully 54. Backside 55. Therefore 56. Accomplishes 58. Honey insect

Solution on Page 18

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 You’ll enjoy fame, money, and the respect of late-night TV watchers as the no-nonsense Judge Sagittarius.

Pisces February 19 – March 20 No one will stand in your way at work this week when you follow these words: Walk briskly and swing a baseball bat in front of you.

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October 19 – 25 , 2011


VOL. 4 – ISSUE 17

Time to “Think Different”

Thunderhead Cream Stout Brewed by: Pyramid Breweries ABV: 6.00% Don’t let the cheesy label fool you! This brew pours a nice black color with some hints of burgundy topped with a nice tan head. An impressive dark roasted malt and coffee aroma. The taste is dominated by burnt coffee flavors with a nice creamy sweetness coming through and some bitterness at the finish. The drinkability is good and goes down nice and easy. Alec Bradley Tempus Genesis Wrapper: Honduras Binder: Indonesia Filler: Honduras / Nicaragua Blend Strength: Medium Tempus cigars were released in May 2008 by Alec Bradley and the Fabrica de Tabacos Raices Cubanas in Honduras. This stick is quite rough in appearance and a little spongy to the touch. The draw is easy and will burn perfectly even through out. It has a decent sweet rich smell. Overall flavor is consistent that becomes spicy towards the end. Squashed Frog Ingredients: 15 ml Midori melon liqueur 10 ml advocaat liqueur 10 ml Bailey’s Irish cream 2 dashes grenadine syrup

“I remember the first time I got a Mac. I thought when I opened it up, I don’t know if I should turn it on or hug it… It [the Mac] was so cute for lack of a better word.” -- Today co-host Savannah Guthrie. Oct. 6, the day after Apple founder Steve Jobs passed away at age 56.


don’t know if I would go so far as to wanting to give my new light brown rectangular Quadra 630 that came with a CD-ROM, floppy disk drive and exterior modem a big hug upon getting it, though I did come pretty close. The machine was my very first computer and what made it so special was the fact it came from Apple. I have owned three other Apple computers since 1995 that include the 1999 blue and white PowerMac G3 whose monitor was so heavy and bothersome to lug around back and forth from storage I am sure that’s the reason I have back problems today. The others are the 2001 iBook G3 laptop and the 2007 iMac Along with those macs I have owned are two personal computers from Dell. Guess which computers I have sitting in storage that still work today, albeit marginally slower than the current updated technology out there? The Apples. Of the two Dell machines I own, one lasted less than

a year where the hard drive went out while the virus protection software on the laptop expired and I have no intention of paying more money to renew it. I have NEVER had to pay extra for any security software for the Apple computers I have purchased. Whenever I bought an Apple computer it really was, as conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh said on his Oct. 6 radio show when he commented on Jobs’ passing, like I was a kid who couldn’t wait to open up that huge present sitting under the tree on Christmas Eve. “It’s difficult as an adult to have childlike wonderment,” Limbaugh said who for the past 23 years has often spoken of his love for Apple products. “How soon do we all outgrow the excitement that as children we all felt on Christmas Eve, and how many of us wish by magic that we could recapture it? To find out, to rediscover that total, unbounded passion of childlike exuberance, excitement, innocence, uncluttered by the rigors of life lived as an adult. And for me, speaking honestly, the introduction of every new Apple product ignited that in me.” Just a few weeks ago at Best Buy I checked out the small assortment of Apple products located in the back of the store near all the personal computers. Every year in December I

always buy something big as a personal birthday/ Christmas present to myself. I was again considering another iMac that will have a much larger screen this time. I can understand why Apple buffs got excited whenever Jobs unveiled a new product to the world. Just last week I heard one of my co-workers, who is also a fan of Apple, complain about the new iPhone 4S coming out Oct. 14 citing how the company will do anything to tease her into spending more money. Our loss though is Heaven’s gain and should it turn out there isn’t such a place, to quote Sonia Taitz’s Oct. 6 blog posting at, “Steve Jobs will invent one. And it will be user-friendly and available to all.”

The Blitz Bad Advice Booth…step right up

“It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is fatal.” – Oscar Wilde By Jesse Whitman

Mixing Instructions: Pour Midori then Advocaat in glass. Add a few dashes of grenadine and then float Bailey’s on top.

By Joe Stumpo

I might sound like a misanthrope, but despite everything I still have a shred of hope left for humanity. I even stopped pursuing a singing career to show my mercy for people’s eardrums and sanity. Not everyone is so charitable—paging Rebecca Black and Auto-tune! Still, people refuse to seek professional help when it comes to personal problems. How many times do you have to hear people doing the same stupid things in their relationships? How much good advice will get lost in their manic desperation and self-absorption? I say, it’s time to put a stop to the insanity. If they are going to seek out your amateur counseling--whether you like it or not--and then never take your good advice anyway, then it’s time to give out the worst advice possible. Hey, they asked for it:

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Career advice Do want you love no matter what! If you follow your dreams the money will come. Spend a small fortune attending the best acting/singing/art school so you can defer your loans for most of your adult life while waiting tables at Steak and Shake to pay for an overpriced duplex off the Interstate. And I don’t care what anyone says. Ramen noodles are delicious! Relationships Always marry for love and never any practical reason. Instead of having citizenship in an exciting locale or a healthy pre-nup that will keep you off the streets in case of any f*ckery by your husband or wife, marry because you are deeply in love. After all, love conquers all, including your dignity, sanity, and self-respect. So what if you keep finding strange underwear all

over the house? Love will prevail! Job Interviews Be yourself! Even though you are lazy, like to put your feet up on things, have terrible work ethic disguised behind a bubbly personality, and have absolutely no experience in the position you applied for. You also didn’t read past the first sentence on the Craigslist ad, which clearly stated that it was an internship with no pay but a slight chance for a temporary position with no benefits--if you work really hard. Self-improvement Always look up, literally, because it’s better to be disillusioned that everything is great, including the state of yourself esteem, despite the fact that by not looking down you could possibly step in dog sh*t or miss that 20 dollar bill lying on the sidewalk. And if you feel the urge to exercise, just lie down on the couch until the feeling passes.

Money Get deeply into debt by getting a sub-prime high interest equity loan on your house even though it will be paid off with a few more payments, so you can travel cross country in your beat up Chevy Nova. Don’t wait any longer to go to all the places you’ve always dreamed about, even though you will probably lose your house and live out of your car for the next 8 months. But don’t worry. Soon enough you will get that inheritance/winning lottery ticket/casino jackpot/breakout movie role!

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 7

OCTOBER 19 – 25, 2011


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