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Nude Model Arrested During Shoot

BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile / Movie Reviews 4 Punk Rock 101 5 TCU / SMU / UNT Previews 6 Your Texas Rangers 7 Restaurant Review: Adelmo’s 8 COVER STORY: 2009 NFL Cheerleaders 9-11 BLITZ BABE: Diamond 12 5 Things That Should Be Legalized 13 Society Needs Preservatives 14 BLITZ Toys 15 10 Things That Need To Go Away 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: Favre Legacy? 18 PUBLISHER / EDITOR Kelly Reed CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER: Special Thanks to the Dallas Cowboys, Houston Texans, Washington Redskins and Damien William Mayfield Contributing Photographers: Sherri Barber, Yu-Ping Chen, Paul Ladd, The Bum PHOTOGRAPHERS Ronnie Baker, Darryl Briggs, Steven Hendrix, Matt Pearce, Brandon Uhr CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Lee Keefer, Kelly, Brad LaCour, Jason Miller, Pat Moran, Pugs, Craig Smith, Sybil Summers, Eddie Stephens, Jesse Whitman and The Bum ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed SALES REPRESENTATIVES Johnny Horton, Patrick Marshall CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 972-663-9339 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK “Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.” -- George Bernard Shaw (1856 – 1950)

Seinfeld’s ‘Anti-Reunion Reunion’ on ‘Curb’ Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer together again? Get out! It’s true — and this week’s issue of Entertainment Weekly goes on the set with Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Michael Richards, who joined old pal Larry David for the new season of HBO’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Over the last six seasons, viewers have come to expect the outrageous from “Curb,” Larry David’s comedic exploration of a man named Larry David. For season 7, the co-creator of “Seinfeld” decided it was finally time to reunite the gang from his old, pathologically revered NBC sitcom, who up until now had resisted the urge to re-emerge. The story line, which starts in episode 3, is sprinkled over five of the season’s 10 episodes as Larry recruits the cast, then plans and tapes the big “Seinfeld” reunion (viewers will see a few scenes of the Seinfeld reunion episode on Curb). David is cagey on plot details, and will only hint that “Larry attempts to get [his estranged wife] Cheryl back, and the ‘Seinfeld’ reunion figures prominently in that.” Adds Louis-Dreyfus, “It’s the anti-reunion reunion, and I’d like to copyright that.” When David approached Seinfeld about a reunion plot on “Curb” in spring 2008, the comedian wasn’t terribly worried about mucking around with the legacy of his beloved nine-season show. “The idea of working with Larry was just too overwhelmingly appealing to me, and [Curb] is such a great show,” he says. “There was a little part of me that said, ‘Do we really want to tamper?’… But to hell with it. How much

damage can you really do?” The first scene that the Seinfeld gang shot required them to immediately slip back into their old characters. “Just before we shot that scene, I said to Jerry and Julia, ‘I don’t know if I can be George. I haven’t tried him on in a while,’” recalls Alexander. “And it was freaky how it just came right back out.” Richards, meanwhile, dove in feet first. “I’d always kept Kramer’s shoes,” he notes. “Once I got those shoes on, and I’m standing behind the door of Jerry’s apartment, I was ready.” Being surrounded by the original sets also helped them get back in the mood: The “Curb” producers tracked down Jerry’s apartment and Monk’s coffee shop in a nearby warehouse. (Some home improvements were required, including replacing Jerry’s apartment door, which Seinfeld had taken as a souvenir.) While this strange trip may not be the reunion scenario that fans expected, both Seinfeld and David agree that it’ll be the only one viewers will ever get. “As far as I’m concerned, we did do it, and in a better way than I ever imagined,” says Seinfeld. “This exceeded my expectations, so there’s no chance I would revisit it now.” And there’s plenty of other action in “Curb’s” seventh season: Look for appearances by Meg Ryan, Rosie O’Donnell, Elisabeth Shue (who scores a part in the Seinfeld reunion), Sherry Stringfield, Christian Slater, and Sharon Lawrence, as well as the return of Ted Danson, Mary Steenburgen, and Richard Lewis.

It seems the only nudes allowed at New York City’s Metropolitan Museum of Art are the ones in the collection. Police say they arrested a 26-yearold woman who was posing naked for a photographer, and in full view of visitors, in the museum’s arms and armor department on Wednesday. Model Kathleen “K.C.” Neill faces a charge of public lewdness. Defense attorney Donald Schechter says the museum is full of nude art, and to call what the model and her photographer were doing obscenity “is ridiculous.” Photographer Zach Hyman directed the shoot. He’s been getting some attention locally for photographing nude models on subways. Hyman has said he’s inspired by nude paintings at the Met and his photos are not pornographic.

83 Year Old Chases DWI Suspect An 83-year-old driver chased a pickup truck for 15 miles from New York into Connecticut, helping police catch the drunken driving suspect who had rear-ended his car. The incident last weekend started on Interstate 684 in Southeast, N.Y. Frank Canale of Scarsdale, N.Y., pursued the man all the way to his driveway in Danbury, Conn., and stayed there until police arrived. He says he feared the man could kill someone. His daughter, Lori Canale-Smith of Pleasantville, called police on her cell phone during the chase. By the time they finished filing police reports in two states, the pair missed the wedding they were heading to when the accident happened. Police say the truck’s driver was charged with driving under the influence and driving without a license.

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VOL. 2 - ISSUE 2

Sept. 2 - 8, 2009 3


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4 Sept. 2 - 8, 2009

HOLLYWOOD PROFILE BLITZREVIEWS with Gerard Butler

Wa s t i n g o u r m o n ey s o yo u d o n ’t h a ve t o !

Vivian Fullerlove

“Entertainment’s Real Critic”

Hollywood hottie Gerard Butler, who has become as infamous for his playboy ways these days as for his thunderous battle cry as King of Spartans in the 2006 blockbuster 300, is heating up the screen this week in the new sci-fi action thriller GAMER. The film is set in a future-world where humans can control other humans in mass-scale, multi-player online gaming environments. Butler plays KABEL, a star player from a game called “Slayers”, who is looking to regain his independence while taking down the game’s mastermind. We caught up with Butler to talk about the film and how his role as King Leonidas helped the actor to prepare for this most excellent adventure! What initially attracted you to the project? It has all the hallmarks of directors [Mark] Neveldine and [Brian] Taylor’s sick, yet, genius minds. I mean they really have an innate, natural ability to create these kinds of concepts without over thinking them. They can create great characters and yet keep this element of freshness and youth and progressive thinking, but then there’s this sickness and perverted element [about it]. It has a lot of stuff in there, and the best thing about their work is that it feels effortless. You kind of feel like they just sat down and wrote this script in a couple of hours and it just made perfect sense. They’re very talented.

Do NOT make this film your Final Destination!

The movie begins at the world’s worst racetrack where everything is falling apart (benches, fences, the roof, etc). Bobby Campo plays Nick who has a vision that everyone will die in the stands as the biggest crash in the history of NASCAR will happen in front of them. He and his friends leave the stadium with a few others and they survive. It isn’t long after the accident that Nick has more visions and the survivors die of some freak accidents. We learn little bits about some of the characters problems but there is no reason for us to care. The death scenes were not even well done. They are quick and just focus on throwing blood and guts in your face.

PICK OF THE WEEK

This is obviously another very physically demanding role for you. Did you have flashbacks of your days preparing for 300? I never wanted to be the same size that I was in 300 because that’s just a very different thing. We were moving into a mythical, cult warrior there you know; so, that was a different experience. But I did want to get into almost a different type of physicality, like not as big but more sinewy. That feeling that inside you’re so strong and tough and that’s KABLE. That’s the kind of life he’s lived. He has that muscle, like that (as he flexes his bicep…oh my!) where all the veins are coming out. Once I saw the veins coming out, I knew I was getting somewhere. You get that from just pumping [iron] constantly, and you just get cut up. But I did hear that playing Leonidas really helped you in making this movie. How so? [Because of my role in 300] I have a lot of confidence in my ability to perform action, to understand it and tell a story with it, to make it cooler or to simplify it or make it look less “stunty.” Just to do all of that and how to pace myself, when to use myself and when not to. How would you describe the look and feel of the movie? The whole look and feel and even the idea of the story has never really been done before, and you just kind of have to see two seconds of this film and you’re like “Wow! What is this? This is really cool.” It’s nonstop. It is artistically beautiful. What’s really cool for me is that, you know, when I saw 300 it was like “Wow! I didn’t see that when we were shooting.” All I saw was the blue screen. But with this film, we were in the actual environments, in the big train station or the prison or 11,000 feet up. We were in these incredible locations that really helped us buy into the feel of being in the future. What can audiences expect when they go see GAMER? This is a rush. It is insane when you put this stuff together, and yet, it’s all completely within the bounds of reality in terms of our story. That’s what I love, when action comes out of plot and story and it’s not just gratuitous. GAMER opens in theatres nationwide this week. The film is rated R for frenetic sequences of strong brutal violence throughout, sexual content, nudity and language. For more of this week’s new releases and all your favorite celebrities, check out my show Reel Critics on Time Warner Cable’s Video on Demand under the North Texas programming tab!

“Obsessed” is actually a pretty good thriller at times, creepy when it should be creepy and so forth. The acting is good--yes, Beyonce is good--the build up is good. But a movie like this really should have gone for the R rating and been a richer, spicier, sexier thriller. We don’t get any of Lisa’s (Ali Larter) backstory--how she got to be so twisted and delusional. Larter is resourceful enough to make her character work, despite the constraints. To sum: Obsessed does have some things going for it to make it somewhat worth watching. But ratings have become part of movies’ marketing strategy. I guess someone thought it was a good idea to keep this movie accessible to Beyonce’s teenage and ‘tweenage fans. It was not.


Sept. 2 - 8, 2009 5 blitzweekly.com

Anarchy Sounds Good To Me: Punk Rock 101

Jason Miller

jsnmiller@mac.com

Top Punk Albums of All Time Emerging as a new musical movement in the mid 1970’s, Punk Rock was a revolt against the perceived excess of mainstream 70’s rock. It is characterized by short, fast, aggressive songs with basic instrumentation and messages of anarchy and other revolutionary activity. It is a genre that bolstered an entire sub-culture of youthful rebellion, distinctive clothing and an attitude of do-it-yourself. 1. The Sex Pistols Never Mind The Bullocks Released in 1977, it is the only “official” album recorded by this legendary band in their brilliant, but short lived career. This is the essential punk rock album and surely paved the way and laid a blueprint for others to follow. 2. The Clash London Calling The band’s commercial breakthrough represented a change in The Clash’s musical style and featured elements of ska, pop, soul, rockabilly and reggae music.

3. Ramones Self Titled Recorded quickly and cheaply; seven days on a budget of $6,200 resulting in 29 minutes of now legendary music. 4. Refused The Shape Of Punk To Come Final album from this Swedish hardcore punk band that challenged all of the pop punk that was popular at the time. Put on your seatbelt because this record is brutal. 5. The Misfits Walk Among Us Combining Danzig’s harmonic vocals with horror imagery and lyrics, backed by fast thrashing rhythms, we have 13 punk rock treasures. 6. Social Distortion Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell Mike Ness and company combine country and rockabilly styles with punk and crank out a magnum opus.

7. Black Flag Damaged This classic is credited for the birth of California hard core.

MUSIC: Ramones: Greatest Hits 1. Rockaway Beach

8. Warrior Soul The Space Age Playboys Kory Clark’s brilliant poetic rants with a backdrop of punk tinged buzz tone created a fresh new sound, dubbed Acid Punk.

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8. Beat on the Brat

Ramones - Greatest Hits

9. We’re a Happy Family

Ramones - Greatest Hits

10. I Wanna Be Sedated

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10. The Manic Street Preachers The Holy Bible The guitar player / lyricist mysteriously disappeared after the release of this monumental album and has yet to be found. Now THAT’S PUNK ROCK!

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9. Dead Kennedys Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables The American version of The Sex Pistols held nothing sacred as they attacked religion and politics with animosity and a hint of sarcasm.

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Ramones - Greatest Hits

2. Cretin Hop

Ramones - Greatest Hits


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6 Sept. 2 - 8, 2009

UNT vs Ball State

TCU(17) vs Virgina

Stephen F. Austin vs SMU

Thur. Sept. 3rd: 6:30pm @ Scheumann Stadium

Sat. Sept. 5th: 2:30pm @ Scott Stadium

Sat. Sept. 5th: 7pm @ Gerald Ford Stadium

The Mean Green of North Texas finished the 2008 season with only 1 win, and would like to change things up going into 2009. They ranked fifth in total offense (in conference) and only averaged 20 pts per game. A new quarterback has awaken in red shirt Freshman Riley Dodge, and yes he is the coach’s son. He could of played on a better team but wants to play for his dad. The Mean Green will be opening their season at Ball State to play the Cardinals. They finished the 2008 season 12-2 and 8-0 in their conference. North Texas will have running back Cam Montgomery back on the field this year. He had a dismal 982 yards last season. If North Texas plays like they did last season, Ball State is going to run all over them, and it could get messy.

The Horned Frogs have 13 starters returning for the 2009 season. QB Andy Dalton will be one of them, he had 2,242 yards last season. Among the 13 returning, there will be 6 on offense, 5 on defense, and both kickers as well. The TCU defense hopes it can continue last year’s success. They dominated their conference. They ranked first in total defense, and second in scoring. The defense only gave up 11.31 points per game. The Horned Frogs will open their season against Virgina on September 12th. Virgina is coming off a 5-7 year, and should be no match for the Horned Frogs. The only major change for Virgina will be the many new assistant coaches added to the staff. Coach Al Groh is going on his 8th year, and if they don’t go to a bowl, could be his last. The Horned Frogs offense and defense combined should easily shut down Virgina.

The SMU Mustangs are coming off a one win season and the debut of new coach June Jones. Why he left Hawaii to come here remains to be seen. The Mustangs will need to improve their defense if they want to compete. They gave up an average of 479.5 yards per game last year. Bo Levi Mitchell will be returning at quarterback. He threw 23 interceptions last year. The Mustangs will begin the season playing Stephen F. Austin who finished 4-8, 2-5 last season. The Lumberjacks have both talented quarterbacks returning especially Junior Jeremy Moses, who had a record setting year last year. The Mustangs definitely need to step up their game and play some defense, and turnovers cannot be an issue or else Bo Levi will be watching the game from the sidelines.

Alabama @ Virginia Tech (5)

(7)

Sat. Sept. 5 • 7pm – ABC

This game could have BCS title implications. For the Crimson Tide, QB McElroy and RB Ingram will need to produce. For the Hokies it’s all about QB Taylor and RB Evans. This should be a very entertaining game!

Georgia @ Oklahoma St. (13)

Sat. Sept. 5 • 2:30pm – ABC

(9)

Matthew Stafford has moved on and Joe Cox is at the helm. Knowshon Moreno will have his shoes filled by RBs King and Samuel. The Cowboys go to battle with QB Robinson, RB Hunter and WR Bryant. Lots of offense will be on display.


Sept. 2 - 8, 2009 7

What is the price for stupidity? On February 3, 2008 Plaxico Burress caught the winning touchdown in a Giants Super Bowl win over the Patriots. Later that year he literally almost killed himself by shooting himself in the leg and missing his femoral artery by two millimeters. Was this a malice act or just plain stupidity? The state of New York apparently believes this horrendous crime to be worthy of two years in the slammer. Hurry and throw away the keys, this guy is a monster!?? Another punishment that doesn’t fit the crime. On November 29, 2008 Burress entered a Manhattan nightclub with teammates Antonio Pearce and Ahmad Bradshaw. He went through a metal detector and was frisked at the door. The security staff knew he was carrying a gun in his pants but still let him in. I wonder if these Bozos got fired? They should be guilty of something. After a few minutes he is led up the stairs to a more private area where no one will pester him. He then somehow misses a step which is surprising for such a skilled athlete causing his gun to slip down his pants. Did he fumble? He reaches down to grab it before it hits the ground and grabs the trigger. This fool shot himself in the club! Only a real idiot would carry a gun with a

Sportsologist - Craig Smith live trigger in his pants without a holster. A drink in one hand and a careless gunshot wound to the leg. Antonio Pearce took him to the hospital and then drove off with the gun. Fast forward to the aftermath. Burress was indicted on two counts of criminal possession of a weapon and one count of reckless endangerment with a mandatory sentence of 3 1/2 years in prison. He agreed to a plea bargain of one count of attempted criminal possession of a weapon and will receive two years in prison. I think this is a harsh penalty to pay but that’s the law in New York. Each state has their own gun laws and in most states he would not have even faced such a harsh repurcussion. If you can’t do the time don’t do the crime. He has hired a prison consultant to help him prepare for his time behind bars. Sadly enough, I doubt anything can prepare him for Thanksgiving Day when his wife is expecting the birth of their daughter. His talent will be wasted over the next two years but he will be back in the NFL. He seems to be level headed about his consequences in recent interviews. I think it’s a little ironic that he has a long time tattoo that says, “Everything happens for a reason.” Keep your head up Plax!

Can Rangers Make Up Lost Ground? With roughly one month left in the 2009 season, the wild card seems to be slipping away from the Texas Rangers. As of Monday night they are 4 games behind the Red Sox and 6 behind the Angels. I just don’t understand how they can dominate the Red Sox, Yankees and Angels all season, but can’t beat teams like Detroit, Minnesota or Oakland. The Rangers could possibly have one of the best lineups in baseball, and the best farm team, so what is wrong? Through the years, we have been holding the pitching accountable and now there is pitching. Do the Rangers need to go and get more sluggers now? The other night the Rangers were down 5-3 in the ninth, with no one out. How many Rangers fans watching that game said “We got this”… Well, Elvis Andrus came up and struck out on three pitches. Rangers hot rookie Julio Bourbon popped up and Michael Young grounded out to end the game. Can anyone explain this, how three of the Rangers best sluggers come up

Baseball Guru - Eddie Stephens with bases loaded and no outs, and they can’t even get one hit. The new headline in the papers should say “FRUSTRATED.” On a positive note, the Rangers have activated starter Brandon McCarthy from the 60 Day DL and he could play in a matter of days. Looks like Saltalamacchia will not be making the Rangers 40 man roster, so he will continue on the DL, and possibly be out for the season. The Rangers will be calling up catcher Kevin Richardson from Triple A Oklahoma. He is hitting .216 with 13 homeruns. He played with the Rangers on August 17 in the 8-5 victory over the Twins, and went 2-4 before being sent back down. The Rangers need to focus on how close they are to the prize and make things happen or they will find themselves home in October. A place all to familiar to them. OPEN DAILY 6am-11pm

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Plaxico Knows the Reason


8 Sept. 2 - 8, 2009 blitzweekly.com

FOOD REVIEW The Pick of the Week: Adelmo’s

by: The Bum

MARGARITAS & MEXICAN FOOD

NIGHTLY SPECIALS! DINE-IN ONLY

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Solʼs Nieto Mexican Grill is XTENDED HAPPY HOUR a fun friendly 4PM TO CLOSE place with a jukebox THURSDAYS atmosphere, FAJITA SPECIAL BREAKFAST, LUNCH neighborhood feel, amazing & DINNER food and great SERVED DAILY FROM 9AM margaritas.

WEDNESDAYS

6434 E.MOCKINGBIRD DALLAS, TX 75214 214-826-5564

Photo Courtesy: The Bum

DallasRestaurantReviews.com

Imagine that you’re in a small town in Italy, not far from the northern border, and you happen into the best little restaurant in town. It’s on the upscale side, and it’s called Adelmo’s.

SETTING

The building is a quaint pre-WWII relic in the hip Knox-Henderson district. Inside, you’ll find white tablecloths, attentive service, and a cuisine that is equal parts Italian, French/Mediterranean, and what your grandma might have cooked if she’d spent 2years at the CIA (that’s the Culinary Institute of America – which is like the Julliard School of Music for chefs).

APPETIZERS

Adelmo’s Crab Cakes set the standard – all crab, little filler. I also recommend the creamy Salmon Tartare (like a spicy pâté served with toasted baguettes), and the grilled, marinated Quail on Couscous.

ENTREES

My dinner-menu favorite (and their signature dish) is the Osso Buco, a flavorful veal shank cooked so tender, it falls off the bone. The Rigatoni Bolognese (Adelmo’s red wine meat sauce) is very popular, and the massive Veal Chop in Green Peppercorn sauce is unsurpassed. If you are more adventuresome, I suggest the Roasted Duck with Strawberry Brandy Sauce or the Rabbit Hunter’s Style. And those are just a few of over 20 great dishes – plus half a dozen nightly blackboard specials which are so good, they could be regular menu items. Entrees $18-$35.

WINE

Adelmo has a passion for wines, and the selection is brief but adequate; well-chosen and ever-changing; nothing too pricey. But if you’re looking for something special, there’s a page of “Rare Cabernets & Italian Reds” for $150 and up. Start Adelmo talking about wine, and he may bring out some favorite bottles that aren’t even on the list. They also offer Italian beers and cocktails.

AMBIANCE

Cozy in a European bistro sort of way. Warm chatter; not stuffy. There are 10 tables downstairs, and a similar number up the narrow staircase.

BOTTOM LINE

Going to Adelmo’s is like visiting an old friend. It’s a charming little restaurant with gourmet food and an old-world atmosphere. Adelmo’s feels like your own secret spot. Contact Info: 4537 Cole Avenue, Dallas 214-559-0325 • www.adelmos.com


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Sept. 2 - 8, 2009 13

Lee Keefer

“The Human Stewie”

TOP 5 THINGS THAT SHOULD BE LEGALIZED Thankfully I’m not a hypocrite so I can’t run for office, but if I did; then I know my platform. I’ll aim to piss off the right, left and middle because it is fun to watch people squirm when they no longer can control you. Here is what I propose we should fight for our rights to do legally.

4. Gay Marriage Simple and to the point, if heterosexuals have to suffer from the pain of marriage then so should the gays. I don’t care about what they do in the bedroom, hell they are lucky if after 7 years of marriage if anything is going on in the bedroom other than sleeping and farting. If I am punished with picking up dirty towels off the floor after the old ball-and-chain then so should any gay that is stupid enough to say “I do”. If I lose sleep thanks to my partner’s snoring then so should they. If I have to pay some snotty lawyer to get me out of this mistake then they should too. Matter of fact after thinking about this, I’m gay from this point forward…I love show tunes, Liberace and Kathy Griffin now. 3. Prostitution Let’s face it, we all aren’t Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. If there wasn’t alcohol then most of our population would never get laid and yet still some can’t. Despite the recently romanticized idea of a sexy cougar the truth is not many of us want some old boobies or sagging balls slapping against us in the hot sweat of fornication. When you can’t find a girl at the bar willing to don a raccoon suit, spank you with a spatula and give you a

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2. Human Euthanizing Forget universal government sponsored healthcare, we should think outside the box for a cheaper and easier way to take care of the sick and old. Instead of letting crazy 95 year old grandma rot away in a nursing home for the next 8 years, let’s take her out to the woods and put one single bullet in her head. We still love her. We can put dogs down when they get old and can’t walk, why not humans too? We won’t just euthanize the old and sick, let’s take out those people still wearing Crocs or those who are loudly talking on their cell phones in the grocery store. And you who stop at green lights, I’ve got a nice bullet with your name on it next time I have to slam on my breaks because you are too stupid to drive correctly! 1. Speeding on the Tollway We all know the sounds of the sirens of the police pulling us over for “speeding” when we were only going 15 over what that little sign said. If I am in a neighborhood then please pull me over for going 50 down the residential street. If I am safely driving in the left lane of the tollway at 85 mph then leave me alone Mr. Trooper. I paid my tolls and I should be allowed to go as fast as I want. My car was built for speed and for quick maneuvering and you are killing my adrenalin rush when you write me that little ticket. Instead of worrying about me on the tollway, go stop a real criminal from murdering someone…. unless that is me also shooting the person stopped at the green light as mentioned in #2. The tollway should be renamed as “Dallas Autobahn” so people know what they are paying for and cops can protect us from the real dangers of society like another year of watching Ryan Seacreast and American Idol.

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5. Mary Jane There is no argument that tobacco cigarettes cause cancer and other diseases and eventually lead to death. Why does the US government allow us to poison our bodies with something clearly lethal yet something herbal is still illegal? In Oakland, California cafes are setup for the sale of medical marijuana where the proprietors pay taxes, in 2008 alone an estimated 11 million dollars for the Blue Sky Café owner. Personally I find the smell of pot disgusting but if regulated and allowed to only be consumed in smoke shops and cafes then is marijuana really any more or less dangerous than drinking at a bar. Perhaps then instead of always beating up gays in Ft. Worth, the TABC can beat up some patchouli stinking hippies leaving a hash bar.

golden shower then where do turn??? Your local whorehouse would be perfect. It would give all pervs, old farts and uglies a place to go without disturbing the rest of society. These men and women would fulfill any fantasy and desire for the right price, all while being safe and paying taxes.


blitzweekly.com

14 Sept. 2 - 8, 2009

Fresh Food? Society Needs Preservatives!

In life there are many scams that people get sucked into, and they come in many different shapes and sizes— whether it be Amway, Scientology, or marriage; but no con is more evil than organic food. People that celebrate organic food, i.e. dirty hippies, will tell you how healthy it is to live the organic lifestyle. How much better they feel now that the food they eat comes straight from the earth, untainted by the hand of man. But have you seen the vegan, bike riding, shades away from homeless people as they pour out of the local farmer’s market? They don’t look healthy; they amble around looking like Tom Hanks in the last five minutes of Philadelphia. I smoke, drink, eat a truckload of red meat, and I’ve yet to be mistaken as the beneficiary of a telethon. To justify the insane prices charged for this crap, the clerk will sell you with an ex-

In New Memoir Ex--O’Farrell Theater Stripper Exposes Sex, Scandals, and the Murder that Shook San Francisco by: Jesse Whitman

otic story of how the food was grown. “Pepe the grape farmer picked each grape by hand, and then placed them in their own individual cloth bags he stitched together by the flickering light of a candle he made himself. So obviously you must understand why we can charge no less than eighteen dollars a pound for this fruit.” Now I’m all for migrant farmers making crafts, but that’s no reason I should pay two dollars per grape. It’s not my fault Pepe decided to do it the hard way; perhaps Pepe should take a time management class and improve his sub-par agricultural skills. Food shouldn’t be exotic. Food should be food. A basic simplicity lies in food--it’s just there to be eaten and sometimes used as a lubricant when you’re too lazy to go to the store. And for all the bells and whistles, for all the interesting stories and crazy wrappers,

F

the food spoils five seconds after air hits it. I made the mistake of buying a loaf of bread from one of these specialty shops, and in the span of 48 hours I was the proud owner of a third place ribbon in an elementary school Science Fair. What in the hell am I going to do with 16 slices of bread in less than two days? I’m no master chef, and even if I was I would be hard pressed to find enough creative ways to ingest a full loaf of bread. To hell with natural and pure--load my food up with preservatives. I want the food to last the tests of time, to carry on even after an atom bomb hits the land and wipes away humanity as we know it. I want the next generation of explorers sifting through my remains to fully understand what my last meal was, because 80 years later that cupcake looks exactly the same as when I first unwrapped it. I want when I look through the

or O’Farrell regulars of the mid 1980’s Simone Corday’s memoir will indeed be a nostalgic look-back with the lurid details of the dark, sexual world of the theater which Hunter S. Thompson, an in-house legend of club, referred to as “the Carnegie Hall of Sex.” A former Stripper of the legendary O’Farrell Theater for 9 and 1/2 years, Corday gives readers the first ever insider’s take in “9 1/2 Years Behind the Green Door,” her self-published memoir printed by Mill City Press, Inc. Corday first started working in the theater in 1985 when Artie and Jim Mitchell were still reveling in the aftershock of the huge success of their masterpiece “Behind the Green Door,” the first mainstream porn film that paved the way for the adult sex industry just as its famous leading lady Marilyn Chambers did for future porn stars. Corday was an interesting outlier in her field of work. While her counterparts were doing lines of coke and guzzling down liquor, Corday just did her job. She didn’t smoke, drink, or do drugs and she had a masters degree in English literature. So readers must wonder, how in the world could a well-educated lover of novels drop out of her PhD. Program to end up stripping in a gorilla suit with a strap on dildo? Her reason for stripping at the O’Farrell for almost a decade was that she was “an ex-school teacher with an addiction to the outrageous,” she explains early on in the book. Lucky for strip club enthusiasts and people who love sex, this is a juicy page turner full of the naughtiest behavior that would make a porn star blush. Although she edited the memoir herself, she did get some advice from friends who told her not to “cut the balls off the story.” “The nasty bits are funny and having more vanilla makes it less interesting. Why not exploit it for its potential?” Corday explains. For

Brad LaCour Funny Man

pantry, and I see a box of food advertising tickets to a movie now on basic cable, that it’s still okay to eat whatever’s inside. We have to unite as consumers, stand up and say, “I want my canned peas to outlast my grand children!” We have to fight the growing health nuts that want us to feel guilty for eating a hot dog. We have to convince that one hot chick working the organic produce section to bang a guy with no real aspiration in life. Okay, that last one was for me, but I still think they’re all good ideas we should immediately start working on. If you want to buy into the ridiculousness of organic food, by all means go ahead. Just understand, for all the money you’re spending on “fresh” food, you could join the Scientologists and become an emperor in space.

Corday, stripping at the O’Farrell was more than just paying the bills; it became a source of writing material. Early on in her stripping career she shared her naughty stories with a writing group, who looked down on the material. “I was the black sheep in the class,” Corday says. “I hope that there is less stigma and I think it will decrease in the future,” she says of the prudish peanut gallery. “The new burlesque has certainly helped.” If Part One of her memoir is the Foreplay, then Part Two is the climax. Much of Corday’s drive to write the book came from the scandal and lies that followed after the murder of the theater owner Artie Mitchell by his own brother Jim Mitchell, which is exposed in Part Two. Like a tragic western, the brother gets stabbed in the back by the one closest to him and Corday loses her lover and the world loses one its last true outlaws. But because of Jim Mitchell’s powerful influence in the city, everything published about it was censored. “People were afraid of being sued. I was also afraid of Jim. He was a convicted killer,” Corday says. After Artie was murdered in 1991 Corday went through her journal and started writing the memoir. “It gave me something to focus on, otherwise I was grieving. I needed to keep working on it.” Fearing for her own life, Corday kept her writing under wraps until Jim died in 2006. “When Jim died I sensed a mortality where I really needed to get it in print,” Corday explains. “Because so much time had gone by it became a thing into itself. It was frustrating when Art was killed because there were so many inaccuracies out there,” Corday says. Now that her opus is complete, Corday has the daunting task of promoting the book herself as well as the challenge of financing it on her own. “It’s part of my identity. It’s such a unique and special place that I wanted my own account of it,” Corday says.


Sept. 2 - 8, 2009 15

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The BeoVision 4 television is at the heart of Bang & Olufsen’s plasma home cinema solution, and is designed with a high degree of modularity. The plasma screen is separated from the BeoSystem master unit, which provides all connections for antenna, BeoLab loudspeakers and auxiliary units. The master unit is placed in an elegant aluminum-fronted floor cabinet, and it is a simple matter to integrate a BeoVision 4 home cinema solution to the rest of the home’s entertainment with BeoLink, with everything controlled by the Beo4 remote control. Placement options for the BeoVision 4 plasma screen offer great versatility. A range of wall brackets and table stands are available, and the aluminium finish of the frame around the BeoVision 4 plasma screen blends in easily and elegantly with any home decor and loudspeakers from the BeoLab range. Bang & Olufsen’s skills with the anodising process mean we are able to offer frames in silver, dark grey, and black.

Sony S Series Walkman

Need a new PMP but tiring of Apple’s iPod line? Check out the new Sony S Series Walkman ($110-$130). Available in four different colors and sporting either 8 or 16GB of storage, the new S series players feature a 2.4-inch QVGA LCD screen, both voice and FM recording, built-in stereo speakers, support for most major audio and video formats, 42 hours of music playback and 6.5 hrs of video playback on a single charge, and a svelte design that’s less than half and inch thick.

Leatherman Super Tool 300

No matter what the job, the Leatherman Super Tool 300 ($70) is ready to handle it. This heavy-duty all-purpose tool offers both a clip point and serrated knives, both needlenose and regular pliers, several wire cutters, a wire stripper, a crimper, a host of screwdrivers, a file, a saw, both bottle and can openers, a ruler, and more. With rolled handle edges for a comfy grip and rock solid stainless steel construction, it’s ready to help with your handiwork for years to come.

Pugs and Kelly Show Human Growth and Development Advice Column! Dear P&K, I’ve wanted to send this for probably about 2 years. My husband thinks I want sex too much. I feel at least 2 times a day is good. Anything more is a bonus. Is that too much? Would you still agree to it even though you might say it’s too much? I will be listening, can’t wait to hear what ya’ll think. Great show guys don’t disappear again! Felt like I lost the other half of my brain. Nicci in Arlington Dear Nicci, Yes, expecting sex two times a day is too much! Here is the problem. It’s not that he doesn’t want to have a sexual experience twice a day or that he is incapable of performing up to your ridiculous expectations. My guess is that your sex life is not unlike many other married couples sex lives…routine and uninspired. Are you guys having sweat pants and t-shirt sex? That’s the kind of sex you have at the end of the day, after you’ve removed your make up, put your hair up and slipped into those ratty old sweat pants and oversized t- shirt. Don’t get me wrong, that can be appealing. I am a sucker for the smell of freshly brushed teeth and zit cream, but in a world where your husband has probably absorbed a couple hundred thousand sexual images before lunch, maybe you could try and mix it up for him. Keep it fresh and keep him interested in you as an ever evolving sexual being and not just that lady who yells at him all the time. Expecting sex twice a day is wildly impractical and puts undue pressure on your husband who may begin to view sex as a chore. Be careful not to become just another item on his “to do” list. Pugs

Dear Nicci, I don’t think 2 times a day is too much, if it’s mutual. How does it feel to imagine only once a day? If you say, “Oh, that would be ok” then what’s the problem? Be honest. Are you trying to drain him of his sexual energy to ensure he won’t cheat? Do you need reassurance he desires you? Is that the only time you have his full attention? I firmly believe in the once-a-day schedule because we have to be more creative and spend some time thinking about how to change it up. If we try something and it isn’t as appealing as it looks on video, tomorrow is another day. If my husband started making fun of my ‘habit’ or worse, ‘demand’ I may want to rethink my policy. Men lack that gene that enables them to say, “I have a concern I think we should share”. They make ‘concerns’ into jokes. Your guy may not be up to your schedule, but his ego won’t allow him to fail you in the bedroom (or kitchen, not judging). Your husband in a lighthearted way has told you 2 things: 1) Sex is starting to feel like a part-time job. 2) I love you too much to risk hurting you by turning you down. Kelly

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Courtesy: www.gadgetreview.com


By: Sybil Summers

sybilsummers.com

THINGS THAT NEED TO GO AWAY 10. Spencer & Heidi: He’s a tool. She didn’t get naked in Playboy. Remind me again why we’re supposed to like these people. 9. Michael Vick Saga: I would rather sit at a 12-hour seminar about T.O. than hear one more debate about Michael Vick’s return to football. 8. Bottle Service: So you’re telling me I have to pay $300 for a bottle of vodka that regularly costs $30 just so I can sit at a table? I’ll pass. 7. Michael Jackson Tributes: Unless he releases a new album, I’m all filled up on MJ songs and videos. 6. Lady Gaga: Is she a dude or not? And for the record, all her music sounds the same. 5. Amateur Porn: Picture your neighbor naked. It’s the same concept. There’s a reason these people aren’t professionals. 4. French manicure on toes: The white on your toenails should not be this long naturally. Gross. 3. Twitter: We don’t need to know what you ate for dinner or what time you passed it. Besides, the website is always on the fritz. 2. Outsourcing: Automated systems are bad enough, but then you get to talk to someone who doesn’t speak English and has a stock response for everything you say. 1. Asymmetrical haircuts: There’s nothing cool about your hairstyle, Sir.


Sept. 2 - 8, 2009 17

DOWN 1. South American country 2. Auth. unknown 3. Praise enthusiastically 4. Chilled 5. Threaded 6. An American Indian woman 7. Kick 8. Assistant 9. Old fashioned 10. Fluster 11. Lopsided 12. A hard kind of stone 13. One worse than ninth 21. Henhouse 25. Chamber 26. Animal doctors 27. Bright thought 28. Apartment payment 29. Tell in advance 30. Governs 31. Inquires 34. Flaccid 36. Gait faster than a walk 37. Chills and fever 38. Lascivious look 40. Cozy 45. Wings 48. Overly conceited or arrogant 50. Anagram of “Stifle” 51. A highly emotional play 52. Artist’s workstand 53. Grin 54. Leaf of a fern 57. Supplication 58. Jury member 59. Gin flavor 60. Bit 61. Creative work 62. Where a bird lives

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Blitz Weekly Funnies for the Week What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her mouth! What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Damn! Why do shepherds wear robes? Because sheep can hear zippers a mile away. What were the last words of the parachutist? F*cking moths!

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.” One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

Horrorscopes

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20)

Your family has a history of committing incest. You are a communist. Your minister is out to get you. Unfortunately, you have trouble succeeding because you are incredibly lazy.

It’s time you faced up to a tricky situation, to which you have been deluding yourself for a long time. Stay away from a German called Huldrick.

Always the “go-getter”! How often do you put of until tomorrow what you should have had done last week?! That rash will not go away by itself.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Gemini (May 21 - Jan. 21)

You must be extremely careful for the next three weeks. The gods are angry with you. To appease them you must sell everything that you own.

Perhaps this month we should focus on your other qualities and interests. Your lint collection is really impressive. This weekend you’ll organize your sock drawer.

You will go “hogging” this weekend only to discover that she is your second cousin twice removed. You are a sick, sick person.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mat. 20)

Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)

Do NOT, under any conditions, use the remaining toothpaste in your medicine cabinet. Your mind is like a soggy rag. You are left with a lump in your stomach after a steak dinner.

You will spend all of your money on quack doctors and strange medical treatments. You will have a sudden inspiration to start a new business selling liberallybiased stories to the news media.

A co-worker will smile at you. It may mean something, or they may just be trying to be friendly. Either way, you’re facing a lawsuit at work. Do not make eye contact!

Sagittarius(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr 19)

Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)

Your much vaunted creativity and enthusiasm will be wasted in a series of uninspiring dead-end jobs. You will end up working at the Blitz Weekly. Good luck with that…

Don’t do something stupid like the last time and perhaps things will turn out better than you expect them to. You discover that no one really likes you A LOT and it’s only just so-so.

Take care of yourself in all that you do, because you are going to need extra support in the time to come. You achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.

blitzweekly.com

ACROSS 1. City in France 6. Resorts 10. Goofy 14. Make into law 15. Resign 16. Part of an archipelago 17. Vagabond 18. Cancel 19. Epidermis 20. Illiterate 22. Copper 23. At present 24. Development 26. A domineering woman 30. A synthetic silklike fabric 32. Biblical garden 33. In addition 35. Base 8 39. Canvas dwellings 41. Sort 42. Combine 43. Lustrous fabric 44. Tableland 46. Debauchee 47. Peaks 49. Rubbish 51. Plan 54. Not thin 55. Incline 56. Subjugation 63. Largest continent 64. Margarine 65. Run off to marry 66. Unfreeze 67. Adolescent 68. Egyptian water lily 69. Out of the wind 70. 3 feet 71. Banquet


Photos Courtesy: Yu-Ping Chen and Matt Pearce

blitzweekly.com

18 Sept. 2 - 8, 2009

by: Pat Moran

“Man On His Throne”

pmoran@gmail.com

Favre is Denying his Legacy? Look, like it or not, Brett Favre is back in football. It happens every year, no matter what, and will probably continue to happen as long as he is still breathing. It happens all the time when a former giant of the sport starts getting a bit too frail. It’s the age old problem of the downfall that comes to all those who grow old: They turn into old, annoying imitations of their formers selves and make everyone around a little embarrassed. Jordan did it. Emmitt Smith did it. Agassi did it. They all do it. It’s hard to return to anonymity when you have spent your life as one of the world’s biggest stars. I mean, Brett Favre is a living legend. And although he may not be near as good as he once was, he is now a Viking. So get over it. Get over it and I mean now. I’m so sick of hearing about how Favre is debating whether or not to play again. I’m tired of the constant over-the-top attention that is being paid to his every off-season move. I like sports. I watch a lot of sports. I listen to a lot of sports radio. I’m so incredibly tired of the same tired arguments about how he is over the hill or “denying his legacy”. He’s playing and it really doesn’t matter anymore. There are hundreds of other NFL players who are more deserving of media attention. Remember when Barry Bonds cheated and hit 70 hr’s? Remember when Jordan played baseball? Remember all the steroids crap? Remember how annoying that crap is to be inundated with it at every second? Favre is a gamer. Favre is a hall of famer. He is also old, worn out and not very good. So stop freaking out about it and let’s get back to the game.

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