VOL. 3 - ISSUE 47
2 July 27 - August 2, 2011
BLITZ News Shorts 2 Hollywood Profile/Movie Review 3 Well, Hello Dolly! 4 Enjoy Summer Time w/ New Activities 5 Rangers News 6 COVER STORY: Vigilantes In Playoffs 7 BLITZ BABE: Caitlyn 9 Blitz Toys 10 American News Metaphor 10 Dallas’s Pet Child Of Calamity 11 Food Review: Hook, Line and Sinker 11 Can This Job Be Saved? 12 The Jett Stream 12 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 13 Last Call: I Love Boobies 14 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jeff Putnam PHOTO EDITOR Darryl Briggs Food, Entertainment and Lifestyle Editor Judy Chamberlain COVER Cover Photography: Gregg Case, Dominic Ceraldi, Joe Lorenzini Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Will Bolton, Dominic Ceraldi, D. Sharon Pruitt, Mariluna, philosophygeek STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Sam Chase, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Dennis Hambright, Jack E. Jett, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Hannah Allen, Raymond Bloomquist, Adam Bruster, A. Faulkner, Andrew J. Hewett CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 firstname.lastname@example.org
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“Like trying to herd cats” is a figure of speech often called upon to describe difficulties encountered in trying to manage intractable children or others who want to go their own way. But the story that has caught our eye has to do with a North Philadelphia woman who has come under investigation for the hoarding of cats. Hoarding them? It only makes sense if the cats have value, and by definition these unclaimed strays that the SPCA is continually putting to death have failed to become someone’s beloved pet because no one wants them. However, if people were bringing stray cats to the woman, as they have been said to be doing, and the woman was penning them in the basement until she could find someone who regarded cat meat as delicacy, all the pieces fall into place. It’s well known that the Germans who occupied Greece during the Second World War completely eradicated the cats in that country (as well as the dogs). It is also wellknown that members of the Wehrmacht have died out and presumably their taste for cat meat died with them. But what if those old soldiers had passed their taste for cat on to their children? I strongly feel that Neighborwatch should concentrate their efforts on Germans in the neighborhood, testing samples of the sausage they’re bringing home with them or making in the basement along with their home brew. Though many neighbors have come forward to defend the hoarder (or rancher), and even the police have been telling the press that her heart was in the right place—and for that matter, that she was licensed to rescue cats—we think she bears watching, and not
Now we read that a certain Emanuel Valazquez left his seven-year-old son home alone with two bearded dragons, two pitbulls and 19 snakes, including a 14-foot python. Not to mention the feeder mice scurrying from one hiding place to another.
just because two dead cats were found in her basement. The important point here is that the hoarder’s collection of eight favorites on the “immaculate” second floor were found by the SPCA to be in perfect health while the 41 she was keeping in her filthy basement were living in “horrible” conditions. Again, equivalent conditions are to be found in the concentration camps of WWII where Germans were content that certain subhumans should live in appalling squalor until they died from their deprivations while others enjoyed a surfeit of the best things in life. Who but a descendant of one of those strutting nutjobs would impose such conditions on innocent cats?
ARBEIT MACHT CHUBBY
Apparently there’s plenty of work in the new Germany and East Germans are getting their fair share of it. Or so they say, claiming that the relative lack of Germans sunbathing in the nude on Baltic shores—once a common sight in the bad old days of long hours and low wages—has created a lot more lovehandles and man-tits. So…? We’ve never known Germans to be embarrassed about their ugliness, or their moronic, their drunken unruliness, or their moronic sense of superiority, especially when they’ve been on the beer. Master race indeed! Noch ein Bier! The seven-year-old’s younger brother (five) was only days before found wandering on a nearby street. Police responded when the seven-year-old reported his dog missing, perhaps as follows: “My dog’s gone.” “You the Valazquez kid? Is there a bulge in that python?” “No.” “Oh-oh. Where’s your brother?”
Andrew J. Hewett
“OLD-TIMERS” DISEASE As more “baby boomers” (those born between 1946-64) reach retirement age, Alzheimer’s disease becomes more and more common. Yet this non-curable condition is not new. It was first named by German psychiatrist Emil Kraepelin in his book Clinical Psychiatry (1910), honoring his colleague, Alois Alzheimer (1864-1915), who had spoken about this condition during a speech on Nov. 3, 1906. AW, SHOOT...NOT The Houston Chronicle reported July 16, 2011, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent had left his gun on the diaper changing station in a Houston airport restroom. And he was not the first of this bureau to be careless with a weapon. According to a Department of Homeland Security Office tabulation, DHS employees lost 243 firearms between 2006 and 2008. Of that number, 74% (or 179 guns) were left in public places such as restrooms. (These agents were wiping with the wrong hand!) TOLLS NOT TAKEN In July 2011 the North Texas Turnpike Authority admitted they had no authority to collect from drivers who used toll roads without paying. But, still, the NTTA did, and still continues, to mail letters to violators, adding outrageous fines. One offender drove through “free” 5,177 toll check points and ignored 81 mailed invoices, reflecting $6,862 in unpaid tolls. With late fees ($120,375) added, his total bill was $127,237.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK “We control our destiny from here.” – Justin Warren Photo Courtesy: Dominic Ceraldi
July 27 - August 2, 2011 3 blitzweekly.com
HOLLYWOOD PROFILE with Chris Evans by Vivian Fullerlove
“Entertainment’s Real Critic” email@example.com
Chris Evans has played not one super action hero, but two! In 2005, he set the big screen on fire as The Human Torch (a.k.a Johnny Storm) in Fantastic Four and now he can be seen defending the good old USA as Captain America in Captain America: The First Avenger. Evans plays Steve Rogers who after being deemed unfit for military service, volunteers for a top secret research project that turns him into an American hero! I sat down with Evans to talk about the movie and the toughest part: becoming one of the most beloved characters in comic book history! It must be pretty flattering to get tapped to play a superhero not once but twice! What’s the most difficult part about preparing for these truly larger than life roles? It’s the mental stuff. It’s trying to get your head around the fact that this isn’t just a new story you’re telling people. This isn’t a script you get to make the first tracks in the snow with. A lot of people have an idea of who this guy should be, and a lot of people really care about what you’re going to do with it. The fact that you can think how much of other people’s opinions do you want to dedicate your performance to and how much you have to say, “No, I gotta go with my gut.” So tell me about the story, and how your character becomes Captain America. [The story’s] about a guy who has a lot of shortcomings and still chooses to not become jaded or bitter about it. And he’s a good man, and an honest man and a noble
man, and as a result of those virtues, he’s given this gift, and he’s able to kind of balance this new life he has with his old set of morals. Why him? He’s a guy you follow into battle. He’s the guy you want to lead you, not because he’s brave or courageous, he’s just a good man. He’s the guy that would make sure you made it back, and I think there’s a great thing about the fact that he was chosen. He was given this. You know, a lot of superheroes are born with their abilities or they get them by accident. This was a normal guy who lived the majority of this life as a normal guy, kind of struggling and fighting and always getting the short end of the stick, and this kind of good fortune happened to him which is something I think everyone hopes for and secretly wishes would happen to them. What’s it like for you as an actor getting to play these beloved comic book heroes? They’re great movies to be a part of because they have a built-in fan base, and they have a very loyal fan base. It’s always nice making something you know people will see. You know a lot of times you make movies, and they hit the shelves, and that’s where they stay; so this is a different experience, knowing every single day a lot of people are really gonna care what you’re doing. And if you care to go check out Captain America: The First Avenger, you can do it tonight! The film is playing in theatres nationwide and is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi violence and action.
by A. Faulkner Blitz Writer
Tabloid: A Love Story From the moment Tabloid: A Love Story opens with 16mm footage of the former Miss Wyoming Joyce Miller reading aloud about a beautiful princess falling in love (believing it’s her life story) then cuts to the headline “Manacled Mormon”— well, you can’t help it; you’re hooked. Tabloid is essentially a character study of the eccentric (and delusional) yet oddly loveable Joyce and her quest to reconnect with her true love—the brainwashed, sexually repressed Mormon Kirk Anderson. Award-winning director Errol Morris continues to change the way we look at the nonfiction genre by perfectly capturing this warped world with two absurdly hysterical yet frighteningly real sides of a lunatic love. This stranger than fiction tale has something for everyone: sex-andchains, beauty queens, kidnapping at gunpoint, obsession, and dog cloning. (Yes, dog cloning). Morris first saw footage of Joyce when she became owner of the world’s first dog clones. With money from her father (intended to be a down payment on a house), Joyce sought Dr. Hong of Seoul, Korea, to clone her best friend after her dad’s demise—her dog Booger. Why would this former beauty queen be living a solitary life? If you ask Joyce, because of an international conspiracy by the British to ruin her good name. Thanks to the well-documented world of relentless tabloids like The Daily Mirror and The Daily Express, Errol Morris found
more than he bargained for with this quirky dog owner: he had the outline for his next truth-trumps-fiction film. Side one of the story begins years earlier with sweet Southern Joyce following Kirk to London, rescuing him from the cultish Mormons. In order to turn him back into the man she loved, Joyce had to kidnap and “normalize” Kirk, i.e. whip him into shape with sex. Three days worth, in fact, of being roped “spread-eagled” to a bed while a luscious blond took his virginity—willingly, of course. (“You can’t rape a man. That’s like putting a marshmallow in a parking meter,” says Joyce.) Guilt seeps and Kirk fears excommunication. As police get involved, Kirk disappears, returns to the Mormons, claims he was forced to have sex, and our sexgoddess is thrown in jail. Morris documents this by interviewing Joyce and her accomplices (minus Kirk), and the journalists and photographers who uncovered the real Joyce Miller. Or Joy, or Betsy, or whichever name she used when working as a call girl in L.A. before seeking true love. Call girl? This cartoonishly naive character, claiming celibacy until her rendezvous with Kirk in England? Watching the film, we’re delighted by the two polar extremes depicting Joyce. You wonder what is real and who to trust. As Joyce says, “You can tell a lie long enough until you believe it.” Only Errol Morris could take such an absurd tale and turn it into a true work of art.
4 July 27 - August 2, 2011
As I write this, Dolly Parton is firstname.lastname@example.org preparing to make her debut at the Hollywood Bowl in a twonight run at the famed Los Angeles venue on July 22 and 23. She once appeared onstage there with Linda Ronstadt and Emmylou Harris, but it wasn’t her show. This time it is. I can only imagine her excitement. It’s a long way to the Hollywood Bowl from a one-room cabin in Locust Ridge, Tennessee. As the bright lights and high-volume sound came up inside the Verizon on July 19 for her opening number, “Walking On Sunshine,” the singer – backlit into the appearance of semi-nudity, with perfectly sculpted upper thighs – fiddled and danced into view in towering high heels as the audience hoot- Decidedly non-country-style tunes like “Stairway to Heaven” and The Beaed and hollered. tles’ “Help” remind us that the Better Day It was a spectacular entrance. At 65, Dolly is as dazzling as ever, sing- World Tour will take Dolly to Liverpool, ing, dancing, bantering with the audience, Glasgow… and Australia. tossing off one-liners (“it costs a fortune to Some of the evening’s best moments look this cheap”) and genially romping her included a hauntingly tender a capella quarway through a fast-paced show that would tet arrangement of “Precious Memories,” a showcasing of Dolly’s impressive range exhaust most 20-year-olds. Parton, who kicked off “Better Day” during “Little Sparrow” (backed by what ap– her first world tour in three years – in peared to be her own dulcimer-strumming) Knoxville on July 17, gleefully told the near- and the zither and vocal trio – accompanied capacity Dallas/Ft. Worth crowd at Grand “Coat Of Many Colors,” her favorite of the Prairie’s Verizon Theater two nights later, songs she’s written. “there were some ugly mugs in the audience “Here You Come Again,” “Islands In in Tennessee but they were mostly my fam- The Stream” (I was out in the lobby when she and one of her muily and friends so this is sicians did a duet on our first ‘real’ night out.” …no mere iconic country this one, singing along “Better Day” is a slick production, musi- singer, Dolly Parton is one with Dolly while the Verizon ushers sang cally tricked out with state-of-the art mixing of the most important artists along with me) and her big hits, “9 to 5” techniques and glittering to grace the landscape of other and “I Will Always props. If Dolly (said to be Love You,” closed the one of the best guitarists American pop culture. show. in Nashville) isn’t really Parton’s songs have twice been nominatplaying all those instruments, who cares? It’s hard to tell who’s more in love with ed for Academy Awards, and she has writwhom, Dolly’s fans with her or Dolly with ten and published an enormous catalogue, her fans. Dolly’s fans come in all shapes, starred in – and composed themes for – hit sizes, ages, colors and sexual orientations. movies, and created thousands of jobs with Some have tattoos, some wear boots and her theme park. Yet she’s a farmer’s daughcowboy hats. Clearly in charge of the show, ter who does her own laundry and cleans her the band and the audience, mock-solicitous- own home. If money’s not her objective at ly asking the people standing up in the front this point, what makes Dolly run? rows if they have seats – then, when they This is a woman who continues to enrespond that yes, of course they do, telling tertain because she can, and because she bethem to please sit in them – Dolly is no push- lieves lovely songs sung well can make the world a better place. She defies the current over. With a trio of fine backup singers and a trend toward youth dominance of the music seven-piece band on hand (the latter is espe- market. cially effective when some of its members Philanthropist, hero to those of us who participate with Dolly in a series of “Dueling believe you can still keep doing what you Banjos” riffs), Parton showed her country love to do even though you’re not a kid anyroots in a rollicking Texas two-step, Ten- more, superstar and no mere iconic counnessee hillbilly-worthy rendition of “Rocky try singer, Dolly Parton is one of the most Top,” along with well-harmonized choruses important artists to grace the landscape of of “Mule Skinner Blues,” complete with American pop culture. She’s also obviously having a great time. exuberant yodeling. by Judy Chamberlain
Food, Entertainment and Lifestyle Editor
The Perfect Host starring David Hyde Pierce Texas Theatre – Dallas Go to see the film or go to hang out for a while in the bar where they’ve got $2 pints of Pearl Light all night. Good things are happening here. It’s like a return to small-town America!
Women in Media Fall Premier Party Granada Theater – Dallas Your chance to hear what women will be accomplishing in various media venues over the coming year from the mouths of gatekeepers and starmakers. Bring the family.
Kirby Brown Double Wide – Dallas Read Hannah Allen’s column in this issue and decide for yourself but we think Kirby Brown’s is a major career in the making. Catch him now and get on the bandwagon.
Pink Floyd University of Texas – Arlington The school’s Planetarium is presenting a 60sstyle laser light show accompanied by Floyd’s albums Dark Side of the Moon, The Wall, Wish You Were Here. Affordable and fun.
Titanic, the Musical Brookhaven College – Farmers Branch After opening in NYC (1997) this show won five Tonys, one for best musical, and there have been many maiden voyages. Enjoy the young cast and frigid waters, or just thinking about them.
Contem?oraries Public Library – Fort Worth Don’t miss this free show at the Central Branch of the FWPL. Many contemporary artists have been chosen for this overview of modern means, materials and approaches.
NanoCam: A Trip Into Biodiversity University of Texas – Arlington The Planetarium has the hot tickets this week. This show will be offering never-before-seen images of the world as it exists in its smallest dimensions. Affordable and fascinating.
If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at email@example.com
MUSIC: Dolly Parton 1. Here You Come Again
Dolly Parton – Here You Come Again
2. Islands In The Stream
Dolly Parton – Eyes That See In The Dark
3. 9 to 5
Dolly Parton – 9 To 5 And Odd Jobs
4. Coat of Many Colors
Dolly Parton – Coat Of Many Colors
Dolly Parton – Jolene
6. Mule Skinner Blues
Dolly Parton – Just Because I’m A Woman
7. I Will Always Love You
Dolly Parton – Something Special
8. Rockin’ Years
Dolly Parton – The Bodyguard
9. Travelin’ Thru
Dolly Parton – Single
10. Together You And I
Dolly Parton – Better Day
July 27 - August 2, 2011 5 blitzweekly.com
X Games 17 – Skateboard Park Thur. July 28 – 7:00PM – Staples Center – ESPN
Watch the youth gone wild in this one! Unlike you, these guys actually pull off some great stunts. Names like Pierre-Luc Gagnon, Ryan Sheckler and Shaun White will become more commonplace. Pay attention and do not attempt at home. by Adam Bruster
“Health & Fitness Guru” firstname.lastname@example.org
Even the most dedicated “gym rat” can get burned out doing the same workout routine day in and day out. Sometimes the “burned out” feeling hits you all at once, and sometimes it creeps in slowly. It is a good idea to mix up your exercise routine to keep yourself from getting stuck in a rut. Luckily, I have never hit the point where I was sick of weight training, but I do feel the need to change things up once in a while. This past weekend, I decided that I had to get away from the Big D and do something enjoyable outside. I have not been to a lake in years, so I told Summer Activities: • sand volleyball myself, “I’m going to a lake to get outdoors and do • frisbee golf something fun…I don’t care if I just walk around • hiking on a trail, swim, or rent a kayak.” The great thing • football on the beach about the Dallas area is that there are a number • walking around the of lakes to choose from, all within a short driving lakeshore distance. I did a quick internet search and decided • swimming to head out to Grapevine Lake. Initially, I wanted • cycling around the lake to rent a jet ski, but then I decided that anything • kayak rental around a lake would be OK. It took about 30 min• canoe rental • stand-up paddle-board utes for me and Nikki to get to the lake. Grapevine rental Lake has a number of outdoor activities to choose • water-skiing from, and you can rent just about any type of water• jet ski rental craft for a very reasonable price. We got off to a late start and didn’t get there until 6pm, so we decided to just find a spot on the beach and take it easy. We took a walk, played football, swam, and soaked up the sun. It was a relaxing and enjoyable day trip, and it felt wonderful to combine exercise with leisure time. There are many options to choose from when it comes to finding a fun outdoor activity that is also a great workout. Most lakes have kayak, canoe, and stand-up paddle-board rentals for as cheap as $15-$20/ hour! Jet ski rentals go for about $80/hour. Listed here are summer-themed activities that are worth checking out. Do me a favor and try something different. Whenever I break out of my shell to try something new, I am always grateful that I did! Get a few friends together and check out one of our great Texas lakes, and if you can’t find anyone to go with you, just take a solo trip.
MLB: Rangers vs. Blue Jays Fri. July 29 – 6:07PM – Rogers Centre – KTXA 21
A rematch of last Sunday’s game where the Blue Jays took it to the Rangers behind Brett Cecil’s complete game four-hit shutout. The Rangers will send out Alexi Ogando who pitched well but gave up three runs in the loss. The Blue Jays are out of the postseason race and the Rangers are in a heated battle.
NASCAR: Brickyard 400 Sun. July 31 – Noon – Indianapolis Motor Speedway – ESPN
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NASCAR returns to hallowed grounds this Sunday for the 18th running of the Brickyard 400. Last year the race was won by Jamie McMurray. Jimmie Johnson has the inside track having won three of the last five races. Watch to see who will be kissing the bricks!
MLB: Cubs vs. Cardinals Sun. July 31 – 7:05PM – Busch Stadium – ESPN
There will be no love lost when these two teams face off. The Cardinals are in a threeway tie in the NL Central and the Cubs are double digit losses behind them. The Cubs would love to play spoiler behind the pitching of Ryan Dempster. Former Indian Jake Westbrook takes the mound for the Redbirds.
6 July 27 - August 2, 2011
versatility is on display When an All-Star slugger like Adrian Beltre email@example.com goes down to injury, some teams would worry about scoring runs. Not the Texas Rangers. Sure, the Rangers still have Josh Hamilton, Michael Young, Nelson Cruz, Ian Kinsler and the rest but proved in a 5-4 victory Saturday over Toronto that they don’t have to play long ball to win. “Adrian went down last night but our lineup top to bottom is still pretty good,” Kinsler said. Down 4-3 entering the ninth inning, pinch-hitter Mike Napoli drew a walk after two strikes. Mitch Moreland then sacrificed him to second and was safe himself on an by Mark Miller
“The Dallasite from the North”
Such execution helped the Rangers win their series against the Blue Jays after dropping the final two games in Los Angeles against the Angels. The first game in California was the last of a 12-game winning streak. The week’s 3-3 record left the Rangers with a three-game American League West division lead over the Angels. “We just want to bear down on our fundamentals because talent-wise we know we can do it,” Young said. Road trip follows Twins at home Night games Wednesday and Thursday against Minnesota end the Rangers’ home stand. Then it’s on to Canada for the only time this year to play Toronto and back to the U.S. for a second three games of 2011 at Detroit. The Rangers lost three of four in Minnesota in June and are 3-4 against the Blue Jays. Texas dropped two of three both in Detroit in April and at home in June. Detroit has surged into the lead in the American League Central, Upcoming Schedule: 7/27 Twins 7:05 p.m. 7/28 Twins 7:05 p.m. 7/29 @Blue Jays 6:07 p.m. 7/30 @Blue Jays 12:07 p.m. 7/31 @Blue Jays 12:07 p.m. 8/2 @Tigers 6:05 p.m.
error by the pitcher. Kinsler then nearly beat out a sacrifice bunt himself, moving Napoli and pinchrunner Craig Gentry into scoring position. While a single to the outfield likely would have won the game, the always-aggressive Rangers successfully executed a suicide squeeze with Elvis Andrus laying down another perfect bunt. After an intentional walk to Hamilton, Young lined a ball over right-fielder Corey Patterson’s head to win the game. Yes, that was three consecutive successful sacrifice bunts by the Rangers. “To be successful you have to be able to execute,” said Rangers Manager Ron Washington. “Certainly we did that tonight.” “It’s not our usual way to win a game but we executed,” Kinsler said.
two games ahead of Cleveland after last week’s action. The Tigers have been sparked by the recent return of second baseman Carlos Guillen from injury that kept him out the entire season. He hit .360 for his first seven games. Overall, the Tigers have been led by All-Stars Miguel Cabrera (20 home runs, 64 runs batted in) and Jhonny Peralta (16, 59). Ace starting pitcher Justin Verlander, who ironically has none of the four Tiger wins against Texas, entered the week at 13-5 with a 2.24 earned run average. Max Scherzer and Rick Porcello, who beat the Rangers in June, are 11-5 and 10-6, respectively. Closer Jose Valverde, whose only two wins of 2011 are against Texas, has converted all 26 save chances. Here and There • C.J. Wilson, Colby Lewis and Alexi Ogando were the first three teammates in the major leagues to each win 10 games. • The Rangers’ 1.62 earned run average for their first eight games after the AllStar break was the best in either league.
July 27 - August 2, 2011 7
“Arena Football Fanatic”
he winds of change certainly have blown through Dallas since the start of the 2010 Arena Football League season. But who would have predicted that the changes would be so drastic in 2011, and for a team with an almost completely revamped coaching staff, so quick? For first-year AFL and Vigilante Head Coach Clint Dolezel, it seemed as though no obstacle was too difficult to overcome, as he has done something this season that is almost unheard of in professional sports: implement a new coaching staff and a new system for a team that had a losing record the year before and take that team to the playoffs. After being an anemic 3-13 last season, Dolezel and his staff have completely reshaped the philosophy of the Dallas Vigilantes and now his squad is less than a week away from their biggest game in franchise history, staring down the Chicago Rush as the only obstacle between it and a trip to the National Conference Championship game. Look a little deeper, though, and you’ll see that the team’s newfound success is not just due to X’s and O’s, but rather a complete new frame of mind. To Vigilante defensive back Jason Harmon, who led Dallas in total tackles last season, camaraderie has been one of the key elements as to why this year’s Vigilantes have been so strong. “This team is the textbook definition of what a team truly is,” Harmon said. “We are a family, and that’s something Coach Dolezel stresses to us. We didn’t have that camaraderie last year, and it showed in our play. Even though we were a talented team last year, you still can’t win on just talent alone. “I’m not saying our coaches were bad last year, but our coaches this year definitely fit the mold of a player’s coach. It just feels like they a care little bit more about what’s happening on and off of the field with the players. Plus, all of our coaches were former players themselves, so I think that helps them be more in tune to what we need to be successful. We all treat each other the way we’d want to be treated, just like what you learn as a little kid in grade school.”
The Right Attitude A family environment has only been one cog in the Vigilantes’ motor this season. For explosive Vigilante second-year receiver Matt Fields, a stronger focus is just as much the reason for Dallas’s rise as a playoff contender. “There is definitely more attention to detail this year,” Fields said. “Coach Dolezel and the rest of the coaching staff do a fantastic job of helping us game-plan for our opponents, and because they do such a great job, we make sure that we do our part to learn and execute what they teach us. We all hold each other to very high standards, and we don’t expect anything less. All of our coaches make sure we do the basics and that we do the basics right: we scheme, we watch film, and we practice hard. I don’t really know what else to say, but I think anyone can see the difference when you compare our season last year to what we’re doing now.
“You got to have blue-collar guys that want to win all of the time; there’s no room for selfishness or laziness. When it’s all said and done, Coach Dolezel brings hard work to this team. He played in this league for 15 years and won a championship in the process. He’s been there, he’s seen it all, and he knows what it takes to win. He’s blue-collar through and through.” This last piece
to the Vigilantes’ turnaround seems to be one of the most important pieces in all sports, something a team has to have to compete. For Dallas, it has simply been the competitive attitude that Dolezel has inculcated. His spirit is contagious, and it has been injected into the very core of the Dallas Vigilantes. Second-year Vigilante jack linebacker Brendan Pahulu was able to sum up Dolezel’s competitiveness in just about one word. “It’s fire,” Pahulu said. “That’s what Coach Dolezel brings to this team. Coach has taught us how to finish, which is something we didn’t do much of last year. We lost more than half of our games last season in the last minute; we just couldn’t finish. Every single coach on this team stresses the importance of finishing what we started. You have to start strong and you have to finish strong.” The Right Players For Dolezel, it’s about so much more than just attitude or
by Raymond Bloomquist
calling the right play at the right time. If you ask any coach in any sport, the majority would tell you that it also takes the right group of players, the right type of fit, something that the Vigilante head coach made sure of finding. “First and foremost, when building a team I look for guys who are not only good football players, but also good people,” Dolezel said. I’m a firm believer that good things will happen to good people. I always look for guys who will do the right thing, on and off of the field. You always want to surround yourself with people who are going to make you better, not make you worse. “It’s not always about having the best talent out there. You have to have players that are going to get along and who are going to fight for each other. The 2001 Grand Rapids team that won a title was one of the least talented teams I played on in the AFL, but we all got along, we all did the right things on and off of the field, and it turned into a championship. I think that philosophy is something that teams need to look at, coaches need to look at, and players need to look at.” Come Friday, Dolezel will be back in the AFL playoffs for the first time since 2008, but this time, he will be there as a first-year head coach, leading a team in its first postseason in franchise history. The stage is set for the 7:30 p.m. (CST) in Chicago’s Allstate Arena. Now all the Vigilantes must do is defeat a Chicago Rush squad that has already defeated them twice this season. The task in front of Dallas is certainly not for the faint of heart, but it is nothing that Dolezel, his coaching staff, and his players feel like they can’t accomplish. “We’re as good as we want to be,” Dolezel said. “When we play good football, we are hard to beat. Now, every team that’s in the playoffs is also a good football team; there’s no doubt in my mind that any of these eight teams can win it all. But in the end, I can assure you that it’s going to be about who wants it more and who is going to make the least amount of mistakes. That ring is everyone’s for the taking. We have to go out there and get it.”
10 July 27 - August 2, 2011
Sony Walkman W260
When we first saw the latest iPod shuffle, our immediate thought was “make it any smaller and you’ll have to build it into the headphones somehow.” We doubt anyone was listening, but that’s pretty much exactly what has happened with the Sony Walkman W260. Designed with active users in mind, the W260 is rinse-able, wearable, and water-resistant, and offers features like quick-charging, a black or white casing, and either 2GB or 4GB of storage. (Price – $60-$80)
It’s been a while since Roku last updated its set-top Internet streaming box, and that means its sequel will need to be just that much better than its predecessor. The Roku 2 more or less lives up to the task. Available in three separate Wi-Fi-connecting models — the HD, XD, and XS — it offers features like support for Netflix, Hulu Plus, Amazon Instant Video, NBA Game Time, Pandora, Rdio, Flickr, Vimeo, and more, up to 1080p HD video output, new gaming capabilities thanks to Bluetooth for connecting the motion-control gaming remote, a microSD slot for additional game storage, and must-have casual gaming title Angry Birds pre-installed on XS units. (Price – $60-$100)
Sony HD Camcorder Projector
The dream of a complete cinema in your pocket gets one step closer to reality with the Sony HD Camcorder Projector. Not content to simply shoot and store its 1080, 60p videos on the integrated 220GB hard drive, this pint-sized powerhouse also boasts a projector built into the space behind the fold-out three-inch touchscreen, letting you share your newly-minted memories on an image up to 60 inches in size. (Price – $900)
by Jesse Whitman “A Woman’s Perspective” firstname.lastname@example.org
American twenty-four-hour news media is the informational equivalent of a can of air freshener. With a political deadlock surrounding the national debt, an unfolding news scandal in the UK, unrelenting conflicts in the Middle East and North Africa, the unemployment crisis, financial industry corruption, fires, floods, famine, heat waves, and the recent separation of Jennifer Lopez from Marc Anthony, there exists an unrelenting storm surge of news. With so many news programs competing for our attention the news they bring has essentially become a consumer product with all the marketing and advertising necessary to entice us. What got me thinking on this subject involves my over-consumption of news and a trip to Moe’s Southwest Grill with my nephew. But first I have to ask if you have ever stopped to consider the marketing strategy of air fresheners? They invariably involve some attractive homemaker standing in the middle of an immaculate living room making a wand-wielding fairy godmother motion with her arm applying said freshener with a look on her face suggesting some sort of olfactory orgasm. The commercial then
implies the conquering of some un-fresh odors such as pets, feet, or some inconsiderate smoker thus delivering our collective noses to some lavender-laced nirvana. With names like lemon laundry, blooming garden, spring-time wind, or island freshness, your nasal vacation from stinky smells seems near limitless. However, the reality of the use of these products, in my experience at least, seldom reaches beyond the Sisyphean task of undoing the air pollution left in the wake of my burrito-scarfing nephew. Leaving me clutching my nose and lighting a match, I wondered who the hell actually buys into their euphemistic marketing delusion. No matter what idealistic fragrance you shove into that can, the room still smells, only now it smells like lemon laundry poop, blooming garden turd, spring-time butt wind, or island-fresh sh!t! All of which leads me to the marketing of American twenty-four hour news media. Coverage of the events of the world, what we call news, is pretty much the mental equivalent of a smelly bathroom. By that I mean, there is a lot of sh!t happening out
there and the major news networks are little more than various idealistic fragrances attempting what they refer to as “coverage.” I have a hard enough time suspending disbelief when it comes to air freshener marketing. The suggestion that twenty-four hour news media has not taken the same disingenuous approach to marketing in an attempt to draw us in is an olfactory affront if ever I have smelled one. They have us believing that if we go along with their news we will be informed and the world will be a little less stinky. Yet no matter what news I am watching, reading, or listening to, it’s all the same: a mental state reminiscent of a lemon and sh!t-scented bathroom. I know I am not the first to long for truth in advertising, but give me an air freshener commercial featuring a blown up bathroom and a can of compressed matchstick-smelling spray, and for the love of Jesus…someone open a window.
July 27 - August 2, 2011 11 blitzweekly.com
by Hannah Allen
“Out and About in DFW”
Dallas’s Pet Child Of Calamity When I met Kirby Brown at The Goat for an interview I had been listening to his album for a month solid. Major labels, national, regional and local artists all have a place in my heart and my iPod but I once heard that the best songs are the ones you feel like you already know. Every song on Child of Calamity, Brown’s debut album, would be in the “best songs” category. Not because they’re imitations of something you’ve heard before but because they have a familiar burn and buzz quality, much like your favorite bourbon. I went to House of Blues not long ago to see another local favorite and after walking a friend to her car Kirby Brown and his backing band were on stage. I felt certain I had heard his material somewhere but I didn’t recognize the twenty-something with blonde hair behind his huge hollow-body Gibson. I stopped where I stood and soaked in music that felt something like heat rising off city highways and warm nights in flat Texas country. His style bespoke a seasoned performer, not a newbie, and his vocals sounded every bit as good as they do on the record. That day at The Goat it was hot outside but he wore a hat and jacket anyway. His hair is blonde but his dark eyes are serious. His East Texas accent conjures images of the cowboys in Lonesome Dove. A sense of honesty emanates from his slight frame, honesty in his struggle to understand his place in the world and what it means to be a man. As the conversation unfolds it becomes clear that the weight in his lyrics is no fluke but a result of a healthy appetite for the bravado of Mark Twain and the confessions of Walt Whitman. His biblical allusions come from growing up as the grandson of a Baptist preacher and his unabashed love of lyrics from Mick Jagger. “To me they’re like the perfect marrying of lyrics to music. I want to do that kind of writing,” he said of the Stones. “Have you ever read Steinbeck’s East of Eden? It’s light and dark, wrestling with good and evil – I like to see writers that really wrestle the way I’m wrestling.” He sips his gin and tonic. The wrestling is what stands out in his coming of age-themed album. With the dusty spurs of a cowboy and the slick rock and roll of Dylan and the Stones he takes us on a tour of youth with few specifics but several mile markers. When asked about the track “Coattails” he referenced the lyric “crawling down a narrow road,” and follows the statement with a matter of fact, “a narrow road to get here – and it’s been an ass whippin’ to get here.” “Here” is the life of a local musician with all it’s perqs and downfalls. He lives
by Judy Chamberlain
Food, Entertainment and Lifestyle Editor email@example.com
for the performance aspect, the rush, but likens it to a drug, “After my CD release party at LaGrange there was this comedown – that took days to get over. The House of Blues show was a little different. We didn’t get drunk at rehearsals or before we got onstage. We did it right.” Not yet to the point of supporting himself through his music he works part-time jobs. But his gift for poetics shines though even when talking about what he does to get by. “I find fulfillment in my partitime jobs as well. Being able to pay my bills and live – there is a certain kind of fulfillment that comes with that. But then I come home and have my art – it’s like part-time jobs are like my one-night stands whereas music is my wife. Both are important but the onenight stands don’t stay with you, they’re not the long term. Your wife ends up meaning everything.” His plans for the future are fairly straightforward. He wants to continue to promote and give Child of Calamity its time in the sun. “It’s not my job to ‘get it,’ I already ‘get it’ because I already wrote it. Now it’s my job to entertain.” Kirby Brown will be playing at the Double Wide (3510 Commerce St.) in Deep Ellum on Friday the 29th. There is a $5 cover charge and anyone 21 or over is welcome to come enjoy his music. You can also preview tracks from Child of Calamity on Facebook.
Crab Legs and Catfish and Fries, Oh My…… For me, a perfect restaurant is one that’s friendly, comfortable, serves good and reasonablypriced food, is in a great location and isn’t impressed with itself. Granted, that’s a tall order. The people who own Hook, Line and Sinker, converted in 1993 from a Churchill’s Fried Chicken into the rustic charmer that it is now, plan to open branches in Fort Worth and McKinney in 2012. That’s good news for seafood lovers on a budget, on a lunch hour or on a date. Hook, Line and Sinker, with its vintage atmosphere (cooling misters and old outboard motors on the patio, a cabin-like wooden exterior that’s painted a riot of colors), well-spaced booths, efficient counterto-table service and appealingly central location, is one of those restaurants – especially if you know what to order. I’m partial to their boiled snow crab clusters, about a pound of them to an order, especially good when eaten with an order of the restaurant’s exquisitely fresh homemade coleslaw. The coleslaw is made with pineapple, so you won’t like it if you don’t like pineapple. I do – but I’m one of those people who even orders pineapple on pizza, along with fresh garlic, anchovies and onions. More about that another time. Fat tender oysters, cooked just right with a perfect crispy cornmeal coating, are so much better than the ubiquitous, skimpy ones many restaurants serve that taste as if there’s no oyster in the oyster. Hook, Line and Sinker’s oyster po’ boy loaf sandwich is the best one I’ve had in years, and I know – I once lived in New Orleans. I could eat one of these for lunch every day. Here, they even get the crisp lettuce and lightly toasted French bread right. Not so the hush puppies, which are inexplicably doughy. If there were such a thing as vegetarian corn dogs, this is what
they would taste like. A generous portion of plump, perfectly cooked shrimp combine with tasty olives, more of that fresh, good lettuce, perfectly ripe tomatoes and garden-fresh cucumbers in a lovely salad; the salad ingredients here are first rate. We wonder, though, what the feta-like cheese is doing in the shrimp salad; it’s an odd element. Is it feta? I have no idea; I have no idea what kind of cheese it is (the menu calls it something far different, and nobody there can confirm what kind of cheese it is). It’s not bad cheese – whatever it is – it just doesn’t belong in this salad. Sweet corn on the cob, boiled red potatoes, fresh grilled squash and zucchini are all available as sides, and are excellent. Catfish, a specialty of the restaurant, is a disappointment – especially the fried, mushy-textured cornmeal-coated variety. But, hey, a dozen boiled shrimp for under $10, a dozen oysters on the half-shell for $10.95 – these are great prices, and the lively mix of Delta blues, zydeco and other assorted Cajun styles of music help make this a very appealing dining destination. Homemade pies include a buttermilk blueberry, coconut, chocolate cream, pecan and key lime. Hopefully they are better than the overly sweet, densely cake-like bread pudding. Like the cheerful counter where one place’s one’s order – and yes, they will put to-go orders up quickly – a well-planned lot offers plenty of convenient parking. There are lots of good seafood restaurants in Dallas, but few are as appealing and inexpensive as this one.
12 July 27 - August 2, 2011
Factotum (to royalty) BLITZbudsman: The countess is ninety-
six and I do everything here at the castle: clean her moat, dress her for the doctor. And I do all the cooking. It takes very little food to keep her going—she runs on love. The count died sixty years ago. She’s in love with me! If any of her friends were still alive I know they’d make fun of her for loving a man sixty-six years younger. So what? Yes, I bathe her and she was pretty disgusting until I chiseled off her scales. Her toenails had scrolled up like little pipes and I could only saw them off. But now she can wear slippers, which keep her from getting sick. All four floors of the chateau are ten degrees colder than the air up by your face. She’s not so disgusting now with her clothes off because her skin just hangs off her and you can’t see anything down below. Her boobs are just long folds of skin. She hides hard candies under them sometimes, and if it weren’t for those little bumps you wouldn’t know anything was there. She can’t read any more so I’m not hurting her feelings by telling you all this. The two gays with attorney power were against her hiring me, but they were against the guy before me, too. The guy before me was the reason I got hired. He was working in the same office at HEW, and he tapped me for the job when he decided to become a woman. HEW couldn’t fire him for becoming a woman but the countess did. She didn’t want a woman’s hands on her—thought it was perverted. People coming to the door try to catch sight of her, but I don’t let that happen. She stays in her wheelchair on the top floor— there are two elevators. She can crawl almost as fast as a small child can walk, but she’d never make it down the stairs and she can’t reach high enough to operate the elevator when she’s on her knees. Anyway, thoughts of escape are rare these days now that she’s in love. The way I keep her is nothing like slavery. Without a leash there’s no telling what would happen to her because her brain is impaired. She already broke a bone while I was hosing her down. I don’t think she felt anything. She has very few feelings left. I’m writing because I’m pretty sure the gays are trying to kill her. Even with their attorney power, she’s got something that would hurt them if she died. I don’t know what it is or where it’s hidden. But there are hundreds of ways they could get rid of her and no one would know. The gays know
what she likes to eat and I’ve seen her accept food from them before. I’ve tried to warn her, but she just doesn’t understand what danger is.
Without the gays, I could put a spiral waterslide all the way down the grand staircase from the fourth floor. Imagine the fun she could have going up in the elevator and sliding down on her slippery folds. And imagine the time we could save trying to keep her clean! The splash pool at the bottom could be filled with healing substances to keep her skin from breaking out so much. I know she wants me to but I won’t kill the gays. Any ideas? – Running out of time.
You and the countess were made for each other. Your highmindedness is apparent from your desire to put in a water-slide to provide recreation for this crone. Why not invite ragamuffins from the nearest slum to enjoy it with her? Their need for a second childhood might be even greater than hers. I applaud your caution and will not publish the facts of your situation until the principals are either dead or behind bars. It may well be that the countess, as a likely victim, thinks about murder more than you suppose, and of course the mass media have schooled our entire society in the tricks of the trade. Good luck! Write to the BLITZbudsman at firstname.lastname@example.org
[We’re still talking to Louis Ferrante, a rationalbroadcasting.com member of the Gambino family, now out of prison, who authored the book Unlocked: the Life and Crimes of a Mafia Insider published by Harper/Collins. We were just discussing how some of our police adopt codes not so different from those that have been adopted by the Mafia.] Who do you trust then?... Did you write a rap song about John Gotti? I did. When I was on the street and I was subpoenaed for questioning and I knew that the FBI was investigating me—seriously investigating me, tearing apart all my connections, whether it be family relations or friends, going to everyone, following me on a daily basis—I knew I was done. They’re charging me with being a leader and mastermind of a crew of older men. All the people in my crew were in their forties and fifties. I had a dozen guys who answered directly to me. I answered directly to the heads of my family, and I didn’t know what my defense was going to be because they were putting together a solid case against me. So Mickey Rourke, who had just resurfaced as a wrestler—I heard he gave a magnificent performance though I haven’t seen the movie yet—had flown down to New York and he mentioned the idea of having these people, these kids he knew in California, write a rap song about John Gotti, and how he was railroaded by federal prosecutors and stuff. And I said at the time: Wait a second. This could by Jack E. Jett “Jett Streams”
I knew that the FBI was investigating me...tearing apart all my connections...following me on a daily basis...
be a good defense for me. So a caretaker for John Gotti’s social club wrote the song. I didn’t know how to write till I was sent to prison. But the caretaker for John Gotti’s social club, Fat George, wrote the song for me. And I went and contacted a guy who was a platinum rap artist, and asked him to teach me how to rap so I that I could sing the song, and he brought me into his studio and did that. And I put the song out, knowing that when I was arrested I would say,
“Hey, wait a minute. I stuck up for John Gotti and here’s my defense.” They came after me right after I opened my mouth. Well, the judge said, when I brought up the defense—I don’t know if any of your listeners remember the radical civil rights attorney William Kunstler… I do, I do. Well, he was my attorney at the time. He said the defense was great, let’s go in there, but the judge was very sly. He said, if you use that as a defense you’re welcome to take the stand… Louis, do you remember off the top of your head, any lyrics to your rap song? Actually, no. Nowadays I listen more to classical music. It had to do with how he got railroaded and it was poking fun at the entire prosecution, who had the last laugh, obviously, on me. But the judge said, “If you want to take the stand and open yourself up to questioning, sure, go ahead, bring up the song and use it as your defense.” But I couldn’t do that because obviously I couldn’t allow myself to sit there and be attacked with all the other questions that I’d have to answer. Answers that would lead to my guilt. John [co-host] was just reading something from the book that he thought was rather interesting. That you were something like a nice mobster if there is such a thing. Go ahead John. John: Well, you hook readers right away with your first chapter, “I like burgers and fries.” And you were nice to the guy whose truck you were taking with all the tools, and you told him, you know, you’re not after hurting him, you just want everything in there, and—“Don’t worry, everything is insured, right?” And he said yes, and you knew well, full well, that it was insured and you gave him his pictures, you gave him the stuff he needed to deal with the insurance company, and you said, you know, “We’ll drop you off. You call the police, let them know where you are, but you never say who did this.”
[JETT STREAMS airs on Wednesday and Friday from 4 to 6 p.m. on rationalbroadcasting.com]
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22)
You can be quite successful when you think before you speak. But this isn’t your strong suit and it’ll be your downfall when you address your boss about a pay raise.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? A: Because they both drip when they’re f*cked!
An authority figure could present some negative issues at work. To resolve them you will start bringing a gun to work and enjoy new-found respect.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Q: Mama Liberace hollered downstairs, “Libby, has that piano tuner come yet?” A: “No, mama, but his eyes are getting glassy!” Q: What do you do in case of fallout? A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes! Little Billy Little Billy came home from school to see the family’s pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, “Dad, our rooster’s dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?” Thinking quickly his father said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.” “Gee Dad, that’s great,” said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!” “What do you mean?” said Dad. “Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, ‘Jesus, I’m coming, I’m coming!’ If it hadn’t been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”
July 27 - August 2, 2011 13
You’ll never be funnier or more at your mental best than when in a group or lost in deep conversation with a partner at your sex-addiction group.
1. Type of carpet 5. Sail supports 10. Harvest 14. Sound 15. Foreword 16. Start over 17. Disgraceful 19. Breastplate 20. Neither ___ 21. Diadem 22. Sully 23. Superman’s planet 25. Schoolroom 27. Hearing organ 28. Relating to speech sounds 31. Fairy tale character 34. Lock of hair 35. Registered nursing assistant 36. Awestruck 37. Fire a weapon 38. Long-haired Tibetan oxen 39. Scrape by 40. Cooking bib 41. A very spiny and dense evergreen shrub 42. Headscarf 44. A common virus
45. Mountain crest 46. Most destitute 50. ___ pole 52. Chars 54. Floral necklace 55. Operatic solo 56. Exchange messages 58. The period preceeding Easter 59. Accumulate 60. Basilica area 61. Balcony section 62. Assail 63. Bottom of the barrel
1. Stench 2. Respect 3. Furious 4. Colloid 5. Reflector 6. Negatively charged particle 7. Put away 8. Nightstick 9. Mayday 10. Fold 11. Record-keeper 12. Chief Norse god 13. Stake
18. Base 8 22. Bronzes your skin 24. Bombard 26. Misplaced 28. Any factual evidence 29. Writing fluids 30. Receptacle 31. Arduous journey 32. Gather leaves 33. Functioning 34. Trio 37. Expectorated 38. Not our 40. Throat-clearing sound 41. Sheen 43. Come up with 44. Woods 46. Analyze, in a way 47. Run off to marry 48. Detect 49. The periodic rise and fall of the sea 50. Not short 51. Chocolate cookie 53. Historical periods 56. Taxi 57. Buddy
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Your ability to work efficiently with others enables you to achieve bigger goals than usual. As a result you’ll be nominated to be the shift leader at Sonic.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Like a fish in water when in the limelight or in a group, you also have an innate social charm that will be on display at the Adult Video Award Convention.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You’ve picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
This is a time for major accomplishments, like learning that you’ll soon become the poster child for a safe sex campaign.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Being positive is usually a good thing except when you receive your test results at the STD clinic.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
Healing and bonding where close personal ties to other people are concerned will be successful this Saturday as you move back home with your parents.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
Taking care of business is a major theme where your goals are concerned this weekend, like finally ridding yourself of that annoying neighbor.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 21)
You may see some relief now on the financial front as your food stamps finally arrive and you find a new cardboard box to call home.
Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)
You’re the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don’t be caught without a mop, broom or dustpan.
14 July 27 - August 2, 2011
Boobies by Dennis Hambright Blitz Weekly Writer
I’m not a guy that spends a lot of time trying to keep up with trendy little fads that come and go faster than a politician’s credibility, but I’ll admit, I’ve been known to rummage through those ten-for-a-dollar display boxes that are always jammed together on the counter at 7-11 just to keep track of how gullible people really are these days. You know the ones I’m talking about…stacks of colorful little trinkets made by ten-centan-hour child laborers in China that hordes of teenagers and wannabe trendsetters paid ten bucks a pop for six months ago, and now they can’t give the stuff away. It reminds me of one of the stupidest marketing gimmicks of all time…The Pet Rock. For those of you that might not have been around to witness that one, or are too ashamed to admit that you might have actually bought one, there was a whiz-bang marketing guy back in the 70s that actually started a buying frenzy selling little rocks at $3.95 apiece, as pets. I don’t mean shiny little polished stones, but just regular old run of the mill rocks, like kids used to pick up in any vacant lot around town and chunk at stray cats or abandoned cars. This salesman-of-the-decade marketed them as an alternative to having a real live pet that was messy and time-consuming, and made himself a multi-millionaire in about six months. I guess that’s how long it took before people rattled the cobwebs out of their heads and started thinking, Hey, how stupid am I? Well folks, I hate to break the news to you, but if you’re one of the ones buying that crap…well, I won’t say you’re stupid…that might be a little harsh, but I’ll bet you a bag of stale chips and a Slurpee at the Stop-n-Shop, that your I.Q. is pinging up there somewhere around room temperature. Now, back to the boobies. Hey, I love
boobies as much as anybody. I figured that out when I was about ten years old, and noticed that if I stood right next to a very special, well-endowed fifth grade teacher when we were out on the playground, that I didn’t have to worry about getting a single drop of water on my fuzzy little noggin if we got caught in a sudden downpour. I might not have been completely sure what else they were good for back then, but some internal DNA mechanism that buzzes around in the mind of every young boy kicked into high gear and was telling me, I like these! And lo and behold, as the years passed and I realized how wonderful and amazing they really can be, yeah, I’ll admit it, I Love Boobies! But, I don’t need to wear a two-inch wide rubber band on my wrist declaring it to the world. Look, I absolutely understand and applaud the supportive nature of pink ribbons and pink wristbands, and the popular bright yellow Live Strong bracelets. Those are great things and raise awareness and raise money for research and medical treatment, and without a doubt, we should all get behind efforts like that. But when I see a grown man wear a black wristband with bold white letters that declare I Love Boobies…well, it’s just embarrassing. Maybe it’s okay for pre-teen boys, so they can poke fun with their buddies, and make the girls squeal and giggle and tell them how silly they are….kind of like snickering at pictures of topless native women in National Geographic. Everyone knows…if you’re a man, you love boobies. We all love boobies, but if you’re goofy enough to actually wear one of those bracelets, don’t be surprised if someone digs up an old Pet Rock and whacks you right in the middle of the forehead with it. And the truth is, you’d deserve it!
Dallas Vigilantes in the Playoffs