VOL. 3 - ISSUE 42
JUNE 22 - 28, 2011 3
Whatever Feels Right
BLITZ News Shorts Hollywood Profile/Movie Review Music: Tedeschi Trucks Band Mavericks News Vigilantes News Rangers News COVER STORY: Guide to Good Eats Wolfgang Puck Interview Our Favorites Restaurants Volt Life Rooftop Cut Short The Jettstream Can This Job Be Saved? Celebration Of Mediocrity Blitz Toys On Spanking Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes Last Call: The Weenie Wagglers BLITZ BABE: Courtney
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It was one of the most uplifting articles we’ve come across in quite some time. A Seattle native named Maria Federici, driving on the Interstate back in 2004 near Renton, south of Seattle, was blinded in a freak accident. Some furniture that shook loose from another vehicle smashed her windshield. Before the accident she’d loved working as a bartender, and thanks to a friend who opened her own place, she was offered the chance to go back behind the bar. She can’t do it all yet. She’s still memorizing the feel of the eighteen draft beer handles, but she knows which hard liquor she’s pouring by the feel of the bottles. And she likes the feeling she’s helping out. For three hours a week while she volunteers, the job fills a void for her. Like Rita Dixson, Maria’s friend, why don’t we start listening to the young soldiers who are coming back from war zones without their eyes? Why don’t we start asking how many of them would like to go back to blindly shooting up the place in one of our war zones? Our sighted soldiers would be no better at deciding who’s on the other side of the sandbags we’re defending. Our enemies don’t wear uniforms any more and we don’t
Now we read that Google is pioneering a new search-by-image feature. Alas, experts are deeming it a failure for having decided that George Bush is a close match for Barack Obama. One reason? It matches tonalities well and seems to identify backgrounds. However, the experts can’t make the leap to realizing that Obama and W. Bush, probably more than any other people in the last decade, are photographed in front of American flags, or from the oval office, or behind the same old lecterns. True, Obama’s integument is of a slightly darker hue than his predecessor’s, but they’re roughly the same height, and both wear close-cropped hair and smile an awful lot for people who have so many disappointing things to say. We’ll stick with the computer’s conclusion. This may be hard evidence that the
Andrew J. Hewett
know who they are until they blow us up. Our blind troops would be just as good at waiting to get killed as anyone else, and since the main point of all our various engagements is apparently to make these countries unlivable for the people who already live there, why are we denying our blind boys the right to help out and fight back in some way against the people who blinded them? At least until they figure out that the people who put them in harm’s way aren’t the ones they’re shooting at. Which would be like blaming the guy who didn’t tie down the furniture he was moving because all he could think about at the time was how beautiful it was going to look when he got it home. computer is better at seeing reality than we are. Our genius, if you could call it that, is in seeing what we want to see. With all the talk of change, not only in candidate Obama’s soaring rhetoric but in that of his detractors, who seem to think our country is self-destructing—that is, going to the dogs—any fairly clear-sighted person can see that in fact the Ship of State is becalmed, going nowhere, and in spite of all the high hopes for a new course or a different kind of leader, there’s not a ripple on the horizon as far as the eye can see.
A H-A-R-D DEATH The Rufugio (Texas) County Sheriff’s office reported a registered sex offender, Isabel Chavelo Gutierrez, 53 (who’d served jail time for aggravated sexual assault and indecency with a child), had, on June 2, 2011, died. What was Mr. Gutierrez doing when his heart stopped working? Raping a helpless 77-year-old woman. Liar. Liar… In June of 2011, the Journal of Oncology Practice found that nearly 16% of Medicare insured beneficiaries did not fill initial prescriptions for drugs to treat their cancer. Some, perhaps because 46% of those Medicare insured must pay $500 each prescription. While Medicare says they have no plans to rework their prescription restrictions, Medicare’s chief medical officer, Jeff Kelman, says “nobody is more concerned about access than we are.” (Wonder if those Medicare officials making these decisions have, themselves, 100% coverage...no deductible?) SECOND-HAND STEROIDS McClatchy Newspapers reported in June 2011, the use of steroids in Mexican beef was so excessive, five top stars of Mexico’s national soccer team flunked their drug tests. Known to cattle ranchers as “miracle salts” or “cattle cocaine,” injections of the illegal drug clenbuterol builds weighty muscle, causing animals to gain kilos of weight, increasing their value.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK “Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.” – Fran Lebowitz
Photo Courtesy: David Shankbone
4 JUNE 22 - 28, 2011
HOLLYWOOD PROFILE with Ryan Reynolds
Okay, so this week’s film combines two of my favorite things: comic book adaptations and the OMG fabulous Ryan Reynolds! Yes, I am talking about the Green Lantern! Reynolds plays a test pilot who is granted a mystical green ring that bestows otherworldly powers upon him, as well as membership into an intergalactic squadron tasked with keeping peace within the universe. I talked with Reynolds about how he got into über buff condition for the role and what it was like to play a super hero. What most excited you about this role? There’s this police force in the universe, and a good that goes beyond just earth, and it’s something that can actually be pervasive throughout the universe, and I love that thought. You play Hal Jordan, who has the unique distinction of becoming the first green lantern from the planet Earth. Why him? What makes Hal a worthy candidate is that he is seemingly fearless, but I think the interesting thing we learn as we get to know Hal as a green lantern is that his fear does exist. It is his ability to overcome that fear that makes him not just a green lantern, but the best green lantern there is, and the sense I get from the other green lanterns is that they sort of frown upon earthlings as an unworthy species, and Hal is gonna be not only a superhero, but an ambassador for the species. What do you believe is the significance of the green lantern oath? It’s the one kind of enduring statement about green lantern, and that green lantern oath encompasses everything they are, and it’s what they stand for. It’s their code.
by Vivian Fullerlove
“Entertainment’s Real Critic”
I cannot go without saying how PHENOMENAL you look in this film. What did you have to do to physically prepare for this role? The physical aspects of a movie and that transformation is a huge part of the job. I think people always find it amazing that an actor or anyone for that matter would put themselves through that, but it’s kind of essential. I mean, you have to look the part as well; so, a lot of the stuff I did was a little unorthodox for me. I mean there were gymnastics which were really interesting. I did a ton of gymnastics. No 6’2” man should be rotating in the air like that, but it was great, it was an amazing thing to be able to do that stuff and have the time and resources to do that stuff. It was a huge learning experience. This movie is projected to earn 20 million opening day. What do you think makes it so appealing to audiences? The thing I love about green lantern is there is some darkness there, but there’s also a lot of light, and because of that, I think it is so widely accessible to the audience. I feel like it alienates nobody, and as an actor that’s all you can really ask for. I mean that’s the dream: to find a movie that appeals to so many people. It definitely appeals to me; so, I will be center row, center theater opening night for sure, and by the time you read this, I am sure Green Lantern will be well past the 20 million dollar mark and will be playing at a theater near you; so, check it out! The film is rated PG-13 for all that great superheroic action and adventure! And remember: “In brightest day, in blackest night, No evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil’s might, Beware my power… Green Lantern’s light!“
by Jonathan Sullivan – movietobo.com
Super 8 will have audiences not only smiling as they leave the theater, but also feeling a small hint of déjà vu. A giant loveletter to the work of Steven Spielberg, J.J. Abrams’ latest movie acts as both a homage to the famed director as well as original entertainment that is funny, exciting, and heartwarming all in one. Super 8 is possibly the best wide-release movie of the year so far and one that everyone should check out. It’s hard to really detail the plot of Super 8 without giving everything away, so I’ll just hit the major points: it takes place in 1979 Ohio and involves a group of kids who are shooting a low-budget zombie movie for entry in a film festival. On location one night at a train station, a train belonging to the Air Force derails and crashes in a fiery blaze. The event is soon proven to be something more than an accident as the Air Force rolls into town to get the situation under control and mysterious thefts and disappearances begin to happen. Super 8 rides the nostalgia train to great success, from the look and feel of the movie to the story beats. It feels like an old school 80s kids’ film, and at a time when CGI of talking animals are used to supply substance, that’s a welcome thing. Abrams has cast some of today’s best child actors and they each bring something to their characters—and are completely believable
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from their mannerisms to the way they talk and react. While some get more time than others, each has his own moment to shine. Listening to them banter and watching them trying to shoot their movie is a joy in and of itself. The alien elements of the movie add a lot of fun to Super 8, including some truly suspenseful moments—for example, quick-jump scares—but that’s all I’ll say. You’ll understand why when you see this. Super 8 does have some problems with emotional resonance. The conflicts in some relationships are too easily solved and others never really get their just due. Late in the movie there’s an awkward attempt to create sympathy for a character that has been responsible for rampant destruction and it falls flat. Not as flat as the tacked on “happy” ending that ties everything together, but close. Super 8 is well-acted, funny, exciting, and interesting—all the things you hope for when you buy a ticket to escape the heat. Despite the problems I’ve mentioned, it’s well worth a watch, especially if you grew up in the 80s and remember how taken you were by E.T. and The Goonies. And if you’ve got kids, bring them too. They need to know that the studio system doesn’t exist solely to shove talking animals at them.
JUNE 22 - 28, 2011 5 blitzweekly.com
Tedeschi Trucks Band – Revelator
3. Midnight in Harlem
Tedeschi Trucks Band – Revelator
4. Bound for Glory
Tedeschi Trucks Band – Revelator
5. Until You Remember
Tedeschi Trucks Band – Revelator
6. Ball and Chain
Tedeschi Trucks Band – Revelator
7. These Walls
Tedeschi Trucks Band – Revelator
8. Learn How to Live
Tedeschi Trucks Band – Revelator
9. Love Has Something Else to Say
Tedeschi Trucks Band – Revelator
Tedeschi Trucks Band – Revelator
Iranium World Affairs Council of DFW – Dallas Screening of a film that takes a close look at nuclear issues in Iran. Commentary afterward by Buck Revell, former associate deputy director for the FBI. Don’t miss this.
2. Don’t Let Me Slide
Rhett Miller and Salim Nourallah Belmont Hotel – Dallas A concert by two up-and-comers: first Salim, whose second album was Constellation and new one is Disappearing Act. Next Rhett, whose second album Rhett Miller was produced by Salim.
Tedeschi Trucks Band – Revelator
Red, White & Tuna Denton Community Theatre – Denton This isn’t the first time we’ve invited you to check out this wacky show that keeps reincarnating itself. This version promises to be one of the best. Your time has come!
Jason Elmore & Hoodoo Witch Mambo’s Tapas Cantina – Forth Worth Prominently mentioned in Hannah Allen’s column this week for Blitz Weekly, this blues power trio is talented, full-tilt and well worth your time. Give them a listen.
MUSIC: Tedeschi Trucks Band 1. Come See About Me
Old 97’s Botanic Garden – Fort Worth This band helped create an alternative country sound in the 90s. Rhett Miller’s lyrics are still heard (see “Thursday” above). BYOB and food (concessions too); fireworks afterward.
The first album from Tedeschi Trucks Band, Revelator, demonstrates the kind of musical wisdom and insight that has the unique ability to make an album greater than the sum of its parts. It is a joyful, warm ride through the talented musical minds of the eleven members of the band, blending the blues, rock, and soul backgrounds of Susan Tedeschi, Derek Trucks and the other nine members that recalls the good parts of Delaney & Bonnie & Friends and takes that vibe to interesting new places. The band’s 3-piece horn section knows when to dance in and out with quick Muscle Shoals-style jabs (as in their “Poke Salad Annie”-flavored work on “Bound For Glory”) or lay down the funk thick and heavy (check out “Love Has Something Else To Say,” which eventually grinds its way to a nasty guitar/horn jam). That same knowing-what-to-do-andwhen-to-do-it approach is what this band is all about; the lineup is powerful yet never overpowering, whether it’s the harmony vocals of Mike Mattison and Mark Rivers on tunes such as “Don’t Let Me Slide” or the tasteful dual drumming of J.J. Johnson and Tyler Greenwell, evident on everything from the gentle country soul of “Shelter” to the voodoo stomp of “Learn How To Live.” Kofi and Oteil Burbridge (keys and bass, respectively) bring their own brand of musical talents to the band; both have shared the stage with Trucks for years so their intimate knowledge of Trucks’ musical prowess adds flavor to the magical mix. The true masterpiece on Revelator may be “Midnight in Harlem,” which sounds like a cover you might swear you heard from Marvin Gaye somewhere in the past. Drums, bass, and keys combine for an easy glide into the first verse, with Trucks’ slide playing adding just the right amount of ache to the sweetness. Tedeschi lets her voice ride the groove; she fires off powerful passages effortlessly, working off the bits of thick guitar and the tendrils of background vocals. Other up-tempo numbers also find purchase: “Come See About Me” conjures Motown, but is also a rocking original with a swamp groove that percolates with clavinet, guitar and horns. The slide lick that links the tune together is irresistible, as is the pulse set up by the rhythm section. “Love Has Something Else to Say” rides above a supersyncopated Latin groove, with the horns interlacing with the soulfully harmonized vocals, creating a timbre that hits you as refreshingly as a summer dive into cool water. Everything is in place on Revelator. Kofi Burbridge’s keyboards are pitch-perfect in every small spot: a simple organ lick, a bed of Wurlitzer shimmer, the concert hall echo of acoustic piano. Susan Tedeschi transcends this mortal coil with cabernet vocals and silky highs and lows. Trucks never whips out his guitar prowess indulgently, instead choosing to serve every song, individually and tastefully. The drummers pound in syncopation, the bass rumbles and locks into position, and the horn section absolutely rips it all up. Revelator is a prime example of the synergy and harmony that come from the collision of mature musical personalities. Its completeness is something that is hard to come by. It is a pure piece of work, and is meant to spread the joy with which it was created. So here it is, gentle readers: your summer soundtrack. The weather is starting to sizzle, and everything feels just a bit looser. Your backyard grill needs using, and your car window should be down. The only sounds coming out of your radio should be this fusion of loose-limbed rock and syncopated, funky blues. The Tedeschi Trucks Band is never indulgent, the music impeccably crafted, and the spirit as free as a long day in early June. Good luck and good listening.
The Blind Shake and Here Holy Spain Bryan Street Tavern – Dallas Two new groups who are making a name for themselves. The first is a Minnesota-based garage punk trio. The second is a skate punk-influenced indie-rock trio from Dallas. Free.
by Tennessee Chris
RX Bandits Granada Theater – Dallas Billed as the “last tour ever” by the band, which produces “an eclectic and energetic blend of prog-rock, ska, punk & even reggae.” If only half-true, how can you pass this up? If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at firstname.lastname@example.org
6 JUNE 22 - 28, 2011
by Geoff Case
Reload or rebuild? The Dallas Mavericks pulled off the unimaginable this season, winning their first NBA title in the franchise’s 31 years of existence. It’s been nice to revel in the afterglow of such a wonderful season but it’s time to look ahead at what the Mavericks must do if they want to defend their title. Still, they won’t make any moves until the CBA negotiations are put to rest. Dallas is already on the books for $61 million and we won’t know for a while what the new CBA will allow as far as teams re-signing current players while going over the cap. The end result could allow Dallas to resign all of their players (thanks to Mark Cuban’s checkbook) or none at all. They could be one of the teams most affected from a competitive standpoint. If the CBA limits who they can bring back, Dallas would be at a clear disadvantage to Western foes LA, OKC, and SA, all of whom have everyone signed for next year. If the CBA allows them to re-sign the players they’ve got, then Cuban will do what it takes to keep Chandler and probably Butler, Stevenson, and Cardinal, and run things just like they did this year. What should the Mavericks top priority be? The Mavericks have a bunch of players who are free agents, but the most important one is Tyson Chandler. His interior defense and energy were major factors in the Mavericks championship run. He also was the anchor in the zone defense that helped suffocate the Miami Heat in crunch time of the Finals. Mark Cuban will back up a truck full of money to Chandler’s house this off-season but it won’t be without some risk. Chandler has had major health issues through his career, but honestly the Mavericks don’t have any other options. He’s the best center in team history and delivered a championship in his first season with the team. The guy is the backbone of your championship-caliber defense, so pay him no matter what the cost. Get Butler deal done on the cheap. Caron went down with a season-ending injury on New Year’s Day just when the Mavericks were hitting their stride. He was the
team’s second leading scorer and playing the best basketball he’s ever played in a Mavericks jersey. Here is the catch: the Mavericks proved to themselves that they didn’t need Caron Butler on the floor to win a title. Everyone in the locker room raved about his rehabilitation and his positive impact on the team but that singular detail must not be forgotten. The Mavericks training staff know the extent of the injury better than anyone. If he’s able to play at 100% then give him a reasonable deal. Caron Butler is a 31-year-old forward who is coming off major knee surgery. That should give the Mavericks an edge at the negotiation table and less competition from other teams to resign Butler. Again, this all depends on the new CBA deal and what the new cap is set at. Let Barea go. As great as the 2011 championship run was, we may have seen the last of J.J. Barea in a Mavericks jersey. His performance was so stellar that some team is likely to give him a huge deal and a starting job. The Mavericks have no choice but to say goodbye. They would be crazy to spend a huge amount of money on a 5’7” back-up point guard. He was a crucial piece in the playoffs puzzle but it’s time for the Mavericks to develop Rodrigue Beaubois or find a cheaper option. J.J Barea has earned the right to have an opportunity for a starting role which Dallas cannot provide. What to watch for: Keep in mind that Deron Williams will be a free-agent in 2012 and there have been rumors that he wants to return to his hometown of Dallas. It’s going to be interesting to see if the Mavericks structure these new deals to keep them flexible for free agents in that time period.
JUNE 22 - 28, 2011 7
by Raymond Bloomquist
“Arena Football Fanatic”
1,597 and Counting…
Saturday night’s victory over the Iowa Barnstormers proved to be quite a night for the Dallas Vigilantes. Now 8-5, Dallas has a strangle-hold on the National Conference’s third playoff seed, and with the Central Division-leading Chicago Rush now only a game ahead of the Vigilantes in the Division race, it is not out of the question for Dallas to secure at least the second seed with five more games to go in the regular season. But Saturday was not only a triumph for the whole Vigilante team. When it came to splitting the uprights, Dallas’ All-Arena kicker Remy Hamilton did something quite special. With his first PAT of the game, Hamilton broke the Arena Football League’s Alltime scoring record for a kicker with 1,597 points and counting. Hamilton broke the record after a hiatus from the AFL, proving what hard work and determination can really do. “I knew when I came back to play this year that I would be close to this milestone, but I also knew that it wasn’t going to just happen for me; I had to earn it,” Hamilton said. “Breaking the record is a great honor, but I’m even happier that we got the win tonight. I’ve had a long career that has taken me across the League, but I am truly honored to do this in a Vigilantes uniform.” For Hamilton, the city of Dallas is certainly not unfamiliar territory. Before his brief three-year retirement from the League, Hamilton used to drill field goals for the Dallas Desperados during the 2008 season, the same year Dallas Vigilante head coach Clint
Dolezel played his last stint of Arena Football for the beloved franchise. Now back for 2011, Hamilton has reunited with Dolezel to do everything in his power to help bring a championship to the Vigilante faithful, and for Hamilton, he could not happier with the situation he has been placed in. “It’s a wonderful feeling to be back in Dallas after almost three years off,” Hamilton said. “It’s a privilege to play for Clint. He’s a close friend of mine, and we have a great deal of respect for each other. We’ve both been in the League, as players, for around the same amount of time; he owns quite a few records at his position, and I have a few at mine. Honestly though, it’s about so much more than the record books. I’m ready to write the final chapters of my career, and hopefully, I’ll get that evasive ring that has avoided me for 13 years.” With the 2011 playoffs likely to be in Dallas’ future, Hamilton will get another, and possibly his final chance to get his hands on an ArenaBowl title. And who knows, it may be another Hamilton clutch, last second kick that brings it all home. Dallas will take its next step in the race to the postseason this Saturday when it travels to Oklahoma to take on the Tulsa Talons (67) in a 7 p.m. (CST) kickoff. Currently enjoying a two-game win streak of their own, the Talons are much improved since their Week Two loss to the Vigilantes at the American Airlines Center. Expect this rematch to be nothing short of a dogfight.
CSW: #3N. Carolina vs. #6Vanderbilt Wed. June 22 – 6:00PM – TD Ameritrade Park – ESPN2
ACC versus SEC in this one with the loser going home. When was the last time the ACC took home the title? 1955 with Wake Forest. The Tar Heels took care of Texas on Monday with a complete game shutout. Their bats are hot and they’ll be tough to beat.
MLB: Mets vs. Rangers
Fri. June 24 – 7:05PM – Rangers Ballpark – KTXA 21
The New York Metropolitans visit Texas for a rare three-game set. They will be sporting the colors of the Dodgers (blue) and the Giants (orange). The Mets are 4.5 games out of the Wild Card and 9.5 games out of first in the NL East. The Rangers on the other hand are still leading the AL West by half a game. The Mets will have Mike Pelfrey on the mound and the Rangers will send Matt Harrison to do battle. Look for lots of long balls.
NASCAR: Toyota/Save Mart 350
Sun. June 26 – 2PM – Infineon Raceway – TNT
Gone is Gilligan’s Island but there’s still loads of excitement surrounding this year’s race. One of only two road circuit Sprint Cup Races (the other being Watkins Glen) drivers will push themselves to the limit. Denny Hamlin has the hot hand after winning his first race of the season. This race has been around since 1989 and will provide lots of entertainment.
MLB: A’s vs. Phillies
Sun. June 26 – 12:35PM – Citizens Bank Park – Extra Innings
A match-up between two teams with ties to “The City of Brotherly Love.” Before the Athletics settled in Oakland they actually began in Philadelphia and played there from 1901-1954 before heading west to Kansas City for a bit. The A’s have decent pitching but the Phillies have that and the bats. Should be a pitchers’ duel for sure.
8 JUNE 22 - 28, 2011
by Frank LaCosta
Return of the Power Rangers? Three weeks can seem like a long time in a six-month baseball season. About three weeks ago your Texas Rangers had just won a series battle with the Tampa Bay Rays and swept the Central Division leading Cleveland Indians. All was looking good for the casual fan. Then the Rangers lost their power or mojo or whatever you call it and lost the series to the Tigers and the Twins and were run out of the Big Apple by the Yankees in a series sweep. Perhaps all they needed was a little interleague match-up medicine. First up, the Atlanta Braves of the NL East. The Braves have a good team led by a deep pitching staff. It seems like that has been the Braves way since the early 90s—develop the pitching staff and the bats will follow. Currently Derek Lowe is the team Ace followed by Jair Jurrjens, Tommy Hanson (recently sent to the DL), Tim Hudson and Mike Minor. They were ranked #1 in WHIP and #2 in ERA in all of baseball. The Rangers on the other hand were ranked #5 in batting average and #6 in runs. In baseball there is a saying that good pitching will beat good hitting. The Rangers were able to bust that myth by taking the first two games and the series from the Braves. It wasn’t easy and in the second game they needed extra innings. Colby “Bonsai” Lewis put in 6 2/3 innings in the first game. In a season of ups and downs for Lewis, he and the Rangers really needed to get a win. Lewis did a nice job striking out 10 while giving up five hits and three walks. The Rangers took command of the game early on and never looked back. Saturday’s game was a lot closer than expected. Matt Harrison who was originally drafted by the Braves dug deep to stay in the game after a two-hour rain delay. “He wasn’t going to give up the ball until he had to give it up,” Texas manager Ron Washington said. Harrison put in a gritty 6 1/3 innings and saved the bullpen some wear. After he left the game with the lead in hand, Darren Oliver nearly gave it away by issuing a walk and giving up a double to Dan Uggla that was inches away from being a homerun. With the series won, the Rangers lost the last game of the series. Braves pitcher Jair Jurrjens was a bit shaky in the Georgia heat in the first two innings before gaining his confidence. As Jurrjens performed better, the worse the Rangers became, which leads us to this: Where are the power Rangers?
Starting Rotation Hanging In There C.J. Wilson is still pitching like a beast. He’s started 15 games and pitched 104 innings so far. He’s on pace to surpass his innings pitched last year. His ERA and WHIP are still respectable. As mentioned earlier Colby Lewis has had his ups and downs. Before the Atlanta start he had been shelled against the Twins and Tigers. Matt Harrison has received the short end
of the stick on several outings. His ERA and WHIP are similar to Wilson’s but he doesn’t have as many wins. Derek Holland seems to have lost his magic from last year’s outings against the Yankees in the postseason. This season his ERA and WHIP are in poor shape. He might be better in long relief once Tommy “Big Game” Hunter returns. Alexi Ogando has been stellar except for his last two starts. He’s already pitched more innings than he had all of last season. He was rocked early against the Yankees up in New York and on Sunday he was the victim of a few errors by his teammates. He still has good command as he continues to strike out many batters and walks very few. Ogando needs to stay in the rotation. Last season the Rangers were able to remain competitive until Cliff Lee was acquired. Once Lee arrived a certain confidence could be seen in the other pitchers. Does GM Jon Daniels have a trade or two up his sleeve? We’re about a month away from deadline. The starting rotation needs a pitcher to step up and lead. Wilson could be that leader but only time will tell.
Guide to Good Eats
JUNE 22 - 28, 2011 9 blitzweekly.com
Interview with Celebrity Chef,
LEWISVILLE / DENTON / FRISCO
CARMINE’S PIZZERIA – 1565 W Main St, Ste 210, Lewisville 75067 – 972-956-0705 carmineslewisville.com NY Style Pizza with their own dough and sauce. Other favorites include Calzones, Stromboli, homemade meat Lasagna, Alfredos, Ziti, Cannelloni. Sicilian thick-crust pizza also. BYOB, limited delivery. Also in Dallas at Coit and Campbell, NW. CORINNE’S CATFISH & BAKERY – 1565 W Main St, Ste 225, Lewisville 75067 – 459-549-4046 corinnescatfish.com A laid-back restaurant offering po’ boys, catfish, Cajun burgers and Cajunstyle wings. Delicious crawfish and sweets from the bakery. Also notable: Fried Chicken & Waffles, Fried Okra, Corn Nuggets, Seasoned Fries, Homemade Pies. DENTON COUNTY INDEPENDENT HAMBURGER COMPANY – 113 W Hickory St, Denton 76201 – 940-383-1022 Ol’ school as it should be with rustic décor, vintage signs on the walls. Notable: Hickory Burger, all you can eat beans and fries; Bacon Cheese Burger, Chicken Breast Sandwich, Diet Plate, Hand-Cut Seasoned Fries, Blue Bell Ice Cream. FRILLY’S SOUTH CAJUN KITCHEN – 2303 S I-35 E, Denton 76205 – 940-898-1404 – frillyscajunkitchen.com The huge menu includes Cioppino with mussels, shrimp, crab, scallops, tilapia, Mussels in white wine, Grilled Grouper, Mahi Mahi, Ahi Tuna, Pasta Mardi Gras (Crawfish, Shrimp in a creamy vodka tomato sauce). Creative drinks and low prices. LUIGI’S PIZZA ITALIAN RESTAURANT – 2317 W University Dr, Denton 76201 – 940-591-1988 Free yeast rolls with garlicky crust. Many pasta dishes, Neapolitan or Sicilian pizza and entrées including Chicken Carchovie (with artichokes) and Chicken Marsala or Madeira. The White Wonder Pizza with Spinach is recommended. Great service, prices. Delivery. ONE2ONE RESTAURANT AND BAR – 1339 Legacy Dr, Frisco 75034 – 214-618-2221 - one2onerestaurant.com Posh, yet has a sports bar, outdoor patio and an open kitchen that produces. Notable: Wild Arugula Salad, Beau Nash Smoked Chicken Soup, Lobster Carbonara, Alaskan Halibut and the Ginger Beef Tenderloin. Great for a splurge.
PLANO / RICHARDSON / GARLAND
AFRAH – 314 E Main St (Belt Line Rd), Richardson 75081 – 972-234-9898 afrah.com A clean, cafeteria-style eatery with a great lunch buffet. At dinner Fattoush salad is superb with any of the kababs. Also the Hummus, Fried kibbe, Lamb kabab, Salmon kabab, Shish tawook, Shawarma combo, Kabab combo, Tabbouli, Falafel basket (6 pcs), warbat. ALI BABA – 2103 N Central Expwy, Richardson 75080 – 972-437-1222 alibabacafe.com Huge buffet with chicken dishes, sautéed cauliflower, Moussaka, Cabbage rolls, Chicken curry, Shrimp kabab, Gyros plate, Lamb chops, Tabbouli salad, Lentil soup, Garlic sauce (with egg whites), Hummus, Fried Kibbi, Lebni, Stuffed squash. BIG EASY – 1915 N Central Expwy, Plano 75075 – 972-424-5261 bigeasyplano.com Try the Basin Street Chicken (Paneed chicken breast with tasso mustard sauce), Fried Combo Seafood Tray, Shrimp Creole, Crawfish Cakes, Chicken and Sausage Gumbo, Etouffées with Chicken, Shrimp or Crawfish. Abita beer. Catering. Great prices. Private parties. BOUDREAUX’S CAJUN KITCHEN – 720 E Campbell, Richardson 75081 – 972-437-6800 – gocajun.com Notable: an Étouffee combo, Shrimp Étouffée with steamed rice, Crawfish Étouffée with dirty rice. All fresh seafood, including alligator, available fried, grilled or blackened. Also: Catfish, Tilapia, Trout, Salmon, Mahi-mahi with four sauces. Many specials. CAFÉ DE FRANCE – 17370 Preston Rd, Dallas 75252 – 972-733-3400 cafedefrancerestaurant. com Perfectly cooked food any time of day and brunches with great omelets, especially the seafood omelet and others with champagne mushroom sauce. Crepes are also superbly seasoned. Service is brisk but friendly, plate presentations are beautiful. Catering. CARAVELLE CHINESE & VIETNAMESE RESTAURANT – 400 N Greenville, Richardson 75081 – 972437-6388 Vast menu with some Vietnamese offerings. Notable: Peking Duck, dishes with snow pea leaves, crab and shrimp dishes with Chinese sauces and Vietnamese firepots. Weddings can jam the place on weekends so call ahead. BYOB.
Puck by Richard S Pollak
“The Traveling Gourmet”
Chef, not many people in Dallas/Ft. Worth know that you have many food service venues in the area! Tell us about them. Actually, we have been catering out of the Nokia Theatre in how do you say it, Grand Prairie, for a couple of years and we do their concessions. We were also asked to take over for my good friend Dean Fearing at the Nasher Sculpture Gardens when he left the Mansion and started his own restaurant at the Ritz. The Hyatt built me a wonderful $16 Million Dollar kitchen at Union Station to cater for events in Dallas even before I opened Five-Sixty at the top of Reunion Tower. Speaking of Five-Sixty, I have an interesting story when I dined there during Restaurant Week. I was waiting for my friends and planned on arriving an hour early just so I could sit at the bar and take in the entire view of the city of Dallas as the restaurant revolved 360 degrees. A kitchen helper who looked like she had just graduated from a culinary school was going around the bar offering your incredible Amuse-Bouche of pork belly in a miso broth. She came over to me with the last wonderful morsel and said, “I don’t think I’ll get in trouble if I give you a second one, do you?” To which I replied, “Are you sure?” And she said, “Don’t worry, I know the Chef.” To my total shock, I later discovered that the young kitchen helper was actually Sara Johannes, Executive Chef for Five-Sixty! Of course, I have known Dean at the Mansion before the Ritz for many years and Stephen Pyles and Rathbun. I was in the Bahamas for the Top Chef All-Stars on Bravo TV as a judge and was fortunate to taste a dish of Tiffany Derry’s. I know she’s in Dallas and opening her own restaurant isn’t she? Yes, over on McKinney Avenue, called Private Social. Speaking of Dallas food, they must want
you to go out and taste the local food every time you are here, like Texas BBQ. Any preferences? Ya, everyone is always trying to take me to Sonny Bryan’s to sit in a little school chair but I prefer Baker’s Rib, actually, I love the molasses in their thick, rich, dark brown sauce. I prefer the Kung Pao Lobster at Nick & Sam’s to anything in town! The paper that I write for, the Blitz Weekly, covers sports. Are you a sports fan? Did you play any sports growing up? In Austria, growing up, I was either in my mother’s kitchen cooking with her or out in the fields playing football—you call it soccer. I go to as many Galaxy games as I can in Los Angeles to see David Beckham. You know, you have FC Dallas here; they were almost champions last year! We don’t have American Football in LA but many meetings have gone on in my private dining rooms at my restaurants with important people. All I can say is, they are always talking about bringing American Football back to LA. I would love a restaurant in a new stadium there! I actually cover FC Dallas for the Blitz Weekly besides writing some restaurant reviews. And I wrote a controversial article once about all the celebrity chefs from out of town who haven’t succeeded in Dallas. Actually, you are the only one who has! The operations of Nobu and Craft have both been taken over financially by their hotel partners and they really are only in business by name! Several New York restaurants like El Molino didn’t make it either. What’s your secret? Many years ago, I had an opportunity to come to Dallas and open a restaurant—it was during the Oil Boom. Big times, but I knew I wasn’t ready and Dallas wasn’t ready for my style of cooking. Now, with the great restaurant city that you have, I am fortunate and I hope you write many more reviews for your Blitz magazine!
10 JUNE 22 - 28, 2011
Guide to Good Eats CUQUITA’S COMIDA MEXICANA – 8076 Spring Valley, Dallas 75240 – 214-575-3188 All the food is authentic Monterrey-style Mexican with wonderful fresh guacamole (always), gorditas of all kinds, a superb chicken with mole sauce and their pozole or menudo is great with the Mexican beers served here. Two kinds of hot sauce. Huge portions. Expert, caring service. DE RICE THAI CUISINE – 5365 Spring Valley Rd, Dallas 75254 – 972-385-2627 - dericethaicuisine.com Spicy basil Thai style chicken, Drunken noodles, Tom kha chicken soup, Crispy red snapper, Pad prik khing, Shumai, Crab avocado roll, Fried soft shell crab, Stuffed jalapeños, Fried banana with ice cream. Many specials and promotions. Takeout. FADI’S MEDITERRANEAN GRILL – 14902 Preston Rd, Dallas 75254 – 972-934-8500 fadiscuisine. com Start with a buffet deep in salads and dips. Add piping hot lentil soup ladled from a crockpot, lamb shank or gyros or kababs cooked to order. Salads include cranberry/mushroom and couscous salad. Fresh food at reasonable prices. HIBACHI HOUSE – 2380 N Central Expwy, Plano 75074 – 972-881-8819 hibachihouseplano. com At lunch the bento boxes are reasonable and filling. Many upscale offerings at dinner including Kobe Beef. Reasonable meals with steak, shrimp, scallops, lobster tails or splurge with combos. Service is caring and surroundings are elegant. JAPAN HOUSE – 300 W Plano Pkwy @ I-75, Plano 75075 – 972-633-8000 japanhouseplano.com A vast central service island provides sushi and sashimi on one side (some by robata), while soups, udon, shabu shabu and hibachi offerings are prepared opposite. Also: fresh seafoods, salads, desserts. Servers like helpful priestesses in this temple of gastronomy. JC’S BURGER HOUSE – 2919 W 15th St, Plano 75075 – 972-612-2121 jcsburgerhouse.com JC’s grind’s its own beef. The “Todd Zilla” is a triple-patty and triple-cheese burger. Also: Cheese Fries, Daily Lunch Deals, Boss’s Chicken Sandwich, Homemade Chili, Fried Pickles, Handspun Blue Bell Ice Cream Shakes. See website for other Dallas locations. JUDY’S BURGERS & SHAKES – 6006 Belt Line Rd, Dallas 75254 – 972-239-4194 Over twenty burgers to choose from. The big patio is pet-friendly. Notable: Bacon Cheese or Crispy Onion Burger, the Turkey Burger, Veggie Burger, Hawaiian Burger, Texas Rail Road, Fish Platter, Hot Wings, Fried Pickles, Cherry Limeade and Blue Bell Shakes. BYOB. MUMTAZ – 216 W Campbell Rd, Richardson 75080 – 214-575-2100 mumtazrestaurant.com The Mahal Feast offers Fish Pakora appetizer, Lamb Curry, Chicken Tikka Masala, Saag Paneer, Rice Pillau (pilaf), Raita, Naan, served with Badami Kheer. Curries full of memorable flavors. Buffet of Mughlai specialities on Sunday and Monday at a reduced price. POOR RICHARD’S CAFÉ – 2442 K Ave, Plano 75074 – 972-423-1524 poorrichardscafe.com Grits, Chicken-fried or Smothered Steak and other Texas standbys. Wonderful specials at reasonable prices. Breakfast is served from 5:30 a.m. for insomniacs or hard workers. Fast seating and fast service. Stick-to-your ribs country cooking; come hungry. NAM HUA VIETNAMESE RESTAURANT – 3112 N Jupiter Rd, Garland 75044 – 972-414-8638 Besides the usual Pho, Mi, Bun Cha and Bo Kho many more exotic dishes are pictured on the menu: baby clams, quail, goat, crepes. The goat with sliced portobello mushrooms is a symphony of dark and fiery flavors. Also, 28 vegetarian offerings. Caring service. BYOB. PURE NEW ORLEANS POBOYS AND SEAFOOD – 3610 Shire Blvd, Richardson 75082 – 972578-7819 pureneworleanspoboysandseafood.com Down-home food with fiery flavors. Fried seafood platter includes shrimp, oysters and catfish. Crawfish Étouffée is ample and well-seasoned. Also: Sweet potato fries, Gumbo, Creole potato salad, King cake and desserts made daily. SEA BREEZE FISH MARKET & GRILL – 4017 Preston Rd, Plano 75093 – 972-473-2722 seabreezefish.com Try the Cioppino with clams, mussels, shrimp & calamari in Mike’s tomato broth. This is a small restaurant with a big menu based on the fresh seafood always available from the market on site. Daily specials are interesting and the service is friendly and knowledgeable. SEASONS 52 – 7300 Lone Star Dr, Plano 75024 – 972-312-8852 seasons52.com From the menu: Cedar Plank Atlantic Salmon, Caramelized Sea Scallops, Garlic Chicken Flatbread, Roasted Crab-Stuffed Shrimp, Grilled Rack of New Zealand Lamb and Char Crust Filet Mignon. Decadent desserts. Great upscale dining among the Shops on Legacy. TAMARIND THAI CUISINE – 3825 W Springcreek Pkwy, Plano 75023 – 972-398-9055 tamarindthaiplano.net Try the Thai-style grilled lamb. Notable: Pad kee mow, Thai basil fried rice, Pla raad krapow, Tom kha chicken hot pot, Thai style papaya salad, Thai tapas. Wide range of “heat.” Delivery, BYOB. Handles large parties, buffets, banquets. Catering.
Guide to Good Eats
THAI TANEE – 5635 Alpha Rd, Dallas 75240 – 972-960-1313 thaitaneecafe.com Beautiful presentation of complex dishes. Of special note: Masaman curry with chicken, Red snapper in garlic sauce, Shrimps love scallops, Tom yum noodle soup, Pad kee mow, Shrimp rolls, Fried ice cream. Lunch specials. Caring service, free delivery, no msg, BYOB. WHISKEY CAKE – 3601 Dallas Pkwy, Plano 75093 – 972-993-2253 whiskey-cake.com Notable entrées: the Holmes Farm Bird (chicken) and the Mesquite Grilled Red Fish (moist and tender). The spit-roasted chicken was sitting atop a perfectly sauced Roast Shallot Herb Jus. The restaurant got its name from the signature dessert. ’Nuff said?
EAST Dallas East of I-75 to LBJ
THE ALLIGATOR CAFÉ – 4416 Live Oak Street, Dallas 75204 – 214-821-6900 eatgator.com Great Atchafalaya (two blackened catfish fillets smothered with Crawfish Étouffée served on a bed of rice) is to die for! Also fine: Cajun Fettucine, Jambalaya, Whole Catfish, Sweet Potato Pecan Pie, Homemade Root Beer, and live music Thur-Sat. Fun and funky. THE ANGRY DOG – 2726 Commerce St, Dallas 75226 – 214-741-4406 angrydog.com Great ambiance and a huge selection of adult beverages. “The Burger” is a half pound of the highest quality ground beef, cooked to order. Also offers the Spiedies, Fried Chicken Sub, Mom’s Grilled Cheese, Chili Burger and Angry Chicken Sandwich. Many toppings. AW SHUCKS – 3601 Greenville Ave, Dallas 75206 – 214-821-9449 – awshucksdallas.com Probably the cheapest seafood in the Metroplex; surely the cheapest beer. The Catfish and Shrimp Caldo is a meal in itself but the clam chowder is also good and there are various combos and baskets of fried seafood. Beer by the pitcher, ice cold. BANGKOK CITY – 4301 Bryan St, Dallas 75204 – 214-824-6200 bangkokcityrestaurant.com Serving the Metroplex since 1992. The Basil Duck is a dish to be savored. Also fine: Shrimp pad gra prow, Gai nom prig pow, Avocado Thai curry, Spicy catfish, Basil noodles, Thai salad rolls, Thai dumplings, Corn patties, Black rice pudding. Delivery available. BIG SHUCKS – 6232 E Mockingbird Ln, Dallas 75214 – 214-887-6353 bigshucks.com Casual dining at its finest. Big Shucks operates on the honor system so pay your tab before you leave. Great for Oysters, Shrimp Cocktail, Fish Tacos, Po Boy sandwiches and Snow Crab Legs. Friendly staff and giant patio. What the Shuck! BRACKETS DALLAS – 5330 E Mockingbird Lane #100, Dallas – 75206 – 214-823-0123 bracketsdallas.com Marries a sports bar and an upscale dinnerhouse. Ceviche with an avocado mousse; nachos topped with beef short ribs. Filet of beef, shrimp and grits. Lighter: baby spinach, shaved fennel, Granny Smith apples, candied pecans and a shallot vinaigrette. CHAR BAR – 2026 Greenville Ave, Dallas 75206 – 214-826-8800 A Greenville Avenue must. All burgers are 1/4 pound patties. Play some old school music on the jukebox. We recommend the Deluxe Cheeseburger—simple and worth it. Also: Steaks, Rib-eye Sandwich, Chili Cheeseburger, Chicken Breast Sandwich, Shrimp Platter and Breakfast. THE GARDEN CAFÉ – 5310 Junius St, Dallas 75214 – 214-887-8330 gardencafe.net Breakfast (and lunch) offerings from the garden out back (seating there too). Build-your-own omelets with chorizo, tortilla, salsa, etc. Service till three p.m.; amazing “everything” omelet. Plans to open in the evening; already open then for occasional poetry readings. KOSTAS CAFÉ – 4914 Greenville Ave, Dallas 75206 – 214-987-3225 kostascafe.com Start with a cup of Avgolemono (egg and lemon soup), flaming Saganaki or the Dolmas. Notable: the Athenian Combo with Lamb chops, Broiled scampi and Souvlaki. Also good: Veal lemonato and S.S. Kostas. For date night try the Kosta combination for two—you’ll leave sated. PIZZA GETTI – 3320 N Buckner, Dallas 75228 – 214-320-2195 pizzagetti.com The pizza is thincrust with four sizes to choose from. The lunch buffet is a must. Great sandwiches include: Canadian Bacon, Submarine, Polish Sausage, Meatball. Also fine: Garlic Cheese Toast, Spaghetti with Meatballs or Meat Sauce and Lasagna with a salad.
THAI SOON – 101 S. Coit Rd, Richardson 75080 – 972-234-6111 Homey atmosphere with quick service and great attitude. Multiple awards for “Best Thai.” Notable: Pad Kee Mow or the wide noodles with spinach. Also: Chan poo noodles, Royal Thai curry, Pad Thai, Satay, Corn patties with cucumber sauce, signature peanut sauce, purple rice pudding.
JUNE 22 - 28, 2011 11
12 JUNE 22 - 28, 2011
Guide to Good Eats SCALINI’S PIZZA & PASTA – 2021 Abrams Rd, Dallas 75214 – 214-821-8088 scalinisdallas.com Paper-thin pizzas with a wonderful homemade tomato sauce. Appetizers like Calamari and Shrimp with Artichoke Hearts. At dinner try: Toasted Ravioli, Veal Marsala, Smoked Chicken Ravioli, Linguini with Clams or Pesto. Comfortable family atmosphere. SOL’S NIETO MEXICAN GRILL – 6434 E Mockingbird Lane, Dallas 75214 – 214-826-5564 Serves breakfast daily till 3pm with many omelets (or create your own). Great migas (scrambled eggs mixed with bell peppers, onions, tomatoes, Jack cheese and tostaditas). Lunches and dinners feature fajitas for four and very spicy salsa. Vegan options, full bar, pet-friendly patio. THAI THAI RESTAURANT – 1731 Greenville Ave, Dallas 75206 – 214-828-9795 thaithaidallas.com Besides Pad Kee Mao or Pad Thai, try yellow curry, Shrimp love scallops, Spicy salmon, Pad see ew, Mango sticky rice. The Spicy Duck Curry is very special; also the stir-fried shrimp with mango (“Mango Paradise”) and the Whole Red Snapper. BYOB, Delivery. TRINITY HALL IRISH PUB – 5321 E Mockingbird, Dallas 75206 – 214-887-3600 trinityhall.tv One of Dallas’ best places to eat, drink and be merry. Notable: Braised Irish Stew with leg of lamb, Dublin Bay Casserole (shrimp, scallops and cod in Béchamel sauce), Mulligatawny or Pub Curry with lamb, chicken or shrimp. More than 32 Irish whiskeys and 200 beers. Try them all! ZINI’S PIZZERIA – 2639-C Elm St, Dallas 75226 – 214-571-9299 zinispizza.com Voted best pizza in Dallas 2010 Citysearch. Fifteen ingredients in crust. Open late. Try the 100-Pounder, the ultimate pepperoni pizza. Also: Garlic CheeZi bread, Farmers Market Pizza, Best Brownie ever, and big salads. If you have not tried Zini’s you are missing out. Delivery 24 hours.
WEST Dallas west of I-35, Mid-Cities, Fort Worth
BANGKOK ORCHID – 3311 W Airport Fwy, Irving 75062 – 972-252-7770 bangkokorchidthai. com Zingy Thai specialties that win favor for freshness and complexity. Fresh orchids are part of the presentation. Notable: Crying pork, Beef salad, Beef pad Thai. Also offers a Bangkok orchid platter and a range of soups, noodles and fish filet dishes, Firepot soups. Reasonable. BEIRUT ROCK CAFÉ – 1201 S Cooper St, Arlington 76010 – 817-860-5498 Some of the best and cheapest Lebanese food in the Metroplex. Interior is pleasant and so is the staff. Very fine: crushed lentil soup, grape leaves with meat or vegetables, Falafel, Hommous, Shish Kafta and Fried Kibbee. Wash it all down with fresh-squeezed juices or smoothies with same. CAVALLI PIZZA – 3601 Regent Blvd, Irving 75063 – 972-915-0001 cavallipizza.com The very thin pizza is baked in a wood-fired oven. Cheese is minimal; the sauce is vibrant and fresh-tasting. Certified by the Verace Pizza Napoletana Association. Also fine: Prosciutto, Calamari Fritti, Gorgonzola salad and other antipasti. Three kinds of dessert pizza. BYOB. COPELAND’S OF NEW ORLEANS – 1400 Plaza Pl, Southlake 76092 – 817-305-2199 southlakecopelands.com Crawfish appear in a sauce with your steak or in a classic Étouffée ladled over white rice. The crawfish fettuccine had lots of crawfish meat sautéed in a light cream sauce with onions, seasonings and tossed pasta. Huge dessert menu. DADDY JACK’S, SUNDANCE SQUARE – 353 Throckmorton, Fort Worth 76102 – 817-332-2477 daddyjacks.org Complimentary valet parking on Friday and Saturday night. The Lobster Bisque is reasonable and so are the Steamed Clams. Catch of the day is sautéed or stuffed. Several seafood offerings with pasta; crab legs, rock lobster tail; also a 12-oz. beef filet. GARDENS RESTAURANT AND CATERING – 3220 Rock Springs Rd, Fort Worth 76107 – 817-7312547 gardensrestaurantandcatering.com Tuesday through Saturday open for lunch (Herb Encrusted Salmon, Tilapia with Poblano Cream Sauce). Upscale Sunday buffet with many dessert offerings. Friendly servers. Be sure to visit the Japanese Garden next door. HARD EIGHT BBQ – 688 Freeport Pkwy, Coppell 75019 – 972-471-5462 hardeightbbq.com You come here for meat. The pork chop is at least two inches thick with just the right smokiness and seasoning. The brisket is lean, not overly smoky, and the sausage has just the right amount of spice. Along with the usual fixings there is a roasted cornbread salad. JR’S GRILL – 5220 Hwy 121, Colleyville 76034 – 817-571-1414 jrsgrill.net The menu boasts ten premium burgers and prime rib lots of ways. The chicken-fried steak is hand-dipped. Fine sides include the fried onion rings and smashed potatoes. If you are looking for an upscale sports grill where you can be comfortable dressed up or down, this is the place.
Guide to Good Eats
KINCAID’S HAMBURGERS – 4901 Camp Bowie Blvd, Fort Worth 76107 – 817-732-2881 kincaidshamburgers.com Patties are hormone-, antibiotic- and preservative-free. Also offers a Bacon Cheeseburger, Chili Cheeseburger, Grilled Chicken with Bacon and Cheese, BLT, Chili Cheese Dog, Fried Okra, Deviled Eggs, Stuffed Jalapeños, IBC Root Beer. KING TUT – 1512 Magnolia Ave, Fort Worth 76104 – 817-335-3051 kingtutegyptian.com Split a meza plate to sample the fare or the shawarma (beef, chicken, lamb). Also try the Egyptian pizza, Freekah soup, Beef or Lamb couscous, Mossaca (moussaka), Yoghurt-cucumber dip, Hommus and Tabbuli, home-made salad dressing and unusual sauces. PAT’S CAJUN SEAFOOD – 1826 N Cooper St, Arlington 76011 – 817-860-7000 Some of the best Cajun in the Metroplex and reasonable. Shrimp or Crawfish Étouffée is only $6.45, Seafood Étouffée (combo) $7.45. Sweet potato fries aren’t extra. Seafood platter with fish filets, oysters and shrimp; jambalaya. Fried okra, dirty rice, sweet potato fries, gumbo all under $3. VINEYARD STEAK HOUSE – 1000 Texan Trail, Grapevine 76051 – 817-328-6111 vineyardsteakhouse.com Begin with Prime Beef Tartare, Gulf Crab Cakes, or Crispy Fried Calamari. Then try the bone-in New York strip or pepper-crusted Lamb Chop. Star attraction: the Truffle cream spinach and creamy Lobster Macaroni and Cheese. As good as it gets!
CENTRAL DALLAS Between I-75 and Stemmons to LBJ
BUBBA’S COOKS COUNTRY – 6617 Hillcrest Ave, Dallas 75205 – 214-373-6527 bubbascatering.org For 30 years a standby for SMU students. Classic Texas breakfast. Lunch and dinner with ried chicken, Chicken and dumplings, Chicken-fried steak and Fried catfish with various sides. Mainly a drive-through, but there are places to sit. Great country cooking. BUCK’S PRIME – 1950 Market Center Blvd, Dallas 75207 – 214-741-4141 The restaurant is packed at lunch so get there early. The mesquite wood-fired grill cooks up the 1/4 pound patties and from there you add the condiments yourself. They keep it simple. Also offers Salmon, Chili Fries, BBQ Sampler, Brisket Sandwich, and very popular steaks. BURGER HOUSE – 6913 Hillcrest Ave, Dallas 75205 – 214-361-0370 burgerhouse.com The “Mothership” on Hillcrest was founded in 1951 and has become an SMU institution. Conquer their Triple Cheeseburger. Jack’s famous fries are greatness! Also offers Zoe’s Chicken Sandwich Supreme, Corny Dog, “Real” Malts and Floats, Grilled Onions. Catering. CAFÉ GREEK – 12817 Preston Rd, Dallas 75230 – 972-934-9767 Small buffet at lunch or at dinner has an excellent yoghurt dip and garlic paste. Stuffed cabbage is always available at lunch, and the ground meat and dolmas are fine. At dinner the Lamb Souvlaki is first rate and there is always the infamously rich Galatoburico for dessert. CELEBRATION RESTAURANT – 4503 W Lovers Ln, Dallas – 214-351-5681 celebrationrestaurant. com Here salads, bread and muffins are replenished and there are “seconds” on most entrées. Notable: Chicken-Fried Chicken, salmon (two ways), rainbow trout, grilled or fried catfish, Chicken St. Caroline. Ground meat is Black Angus sirloin. CHAN THAI RESTAURANT – 312 W 7th St, Dallas 75208 – 214-948-9956 chanthaidallas.com Try their newest entrée, Pad Boalapa, a spicy stir-fry dish. Also Pad kee mow, Chan Thai talay, Peanut chicken, Citrus beef, Panang curry, vegetarian dishes and frozen Samuis (coconut or mango). Big screen TV, karaoke after 8:30, full bar. Caring service. COAL VINES – 2404 Cedar Springs, Dallas 75201 – 214-855-4999 coalvines.com Authentic New York-Style pizza from a 900-degree oven. Also notable: Citrus Salmon Rolls, White Pizza, Godfather Sandwich, the Eggplant Milanese Sandwich and Dessert Turnover. Waits during prime time. The most popular late-late night scene in the McKinney Ave. area. DICK’S LAST RESORT – 2211 N Lamar St, Dallas 75202 – 214-747-0001 dickslastresort.com Large menu of “grub” that goes great with booze, including Hot Legs (Chicken), Gator Bites, Crabby Balls, Tequila Queso con Carne. At lunch and dinner: Fish tacos, Bourbon-glazed Salmon, Sirloin Steak, BBQ Pork ribs. The menu isn’t serious but the food is.
JUNSUREE THAI HOUSE –1109 W Magnolia, Fort Worth 76104 – 817-927-3220 junsureethai.com Busy at lunch with attractive specials. Service is friendly and accommodating. Notable: Fish patties, Larb, Angry dish, Jungle curry, Prik king salmon, Mussels in clay pot. Home-grown herbs and spices are used and the restaurant was awarded Best Thai in 2010.
JUNE 22 - 28, 2011 13
14 JUNE 22 - 28, 2011
Guide to Good Eats DIVE COASTAL CUISINE – 3404 Rankin St, Dallas 75205 – 214-891-1700 dive-dallas.com Fab mussels with champagne, chorizo, tomato and garlic. Also: Little Neck Clams with pesto and angelhair pasta, Seared Scallops on butternut squash hash, Grilled Wild Salmon, Steak and Shrimp. After ordering from the chalkboard, table service is swift and knowledgeable. HEART ATTACK GRILL – 1718 N Market St, Dallas 75202 – 972-542-0000 heartattackgrill.com Diners at 350+ pounds eat free. Owner cooks the burgers: half-pound patties topped with cheese, tomato, onion and more cheese. Also: Bypass burgers (1-, 2-, 3-, 4-), Flatliner Fries, Butterfat Shake and plenty of attitude. Pretty servers have a great sense of humor. Cash only. HILLSTONE – 8300 A Preston Rd (at NW Hwy, SE corner) Dallas 75225 – 214-691-8991 hillstone. com Hillstone is Houston’s parent company and the food is still Houston’s: Spinach Dip, Firehouse Chili, Wilted Spinach; Beef (and other meat) roasted over a hickory fire; Pork ribs, Thai Steak and Noodle Salad, seafood flown in daily. Great Key Lime Pie. THE MECCA – 10422 Harry Hines Blvd, Dallas 75220 – 214-352-0051 themeccarestaurant.com A favorite breakfast and lunch place for decades. Known for its pancakes, grits as an option to hashbrowns, rich gravy, three-egg omelets, steak and eggs (a ribeye for under $10), cinnamon rolls. Southern standbys for lunch, convenient for DIY shopping. NEIGHBORHOOD SERVICES – 5027 West Lovers Ln, Dallas 75209 – 214-350-5027 neighborhoodservices dallas.com New American “comfort food” taken to the max here. Standouts: Spareribs with Ancho Barbeque Glaze, Seared Sea Scallops with Creamy Crabmeat Pearl Couscous, London Broil Flatiron Steak with Voodoo Peppercorn Sauce. Great for a splurge. PRIMO BROTHERS PIZZA – 9310 Forest Ln, Dallas 75243 – 214-341-4414 primobrotherspizza. com Dough and sauce made in-house daily. Notable: oven-baked pizzas, Chicken Parmigiana and the homemade salad dressing, Stromboli, Brother’s Salad, Chicken Cappellini, Calzones, Margherita Pizza and Cannoli. Mavs “Blue” pizza. Banquet rooms. Supports community. REX’S SEAFOOD – 5200 West Lover’s Ln, Dallas 75209 – 214-351-6363 rexsseafood.com Part deli, part seaside oyster bar, but the seafood excels. Notable: Pan-seared Scallops, Sautéed Redfish on a roll, great sides – try the cheese grits. Daily “catches” on a chalkboard. No meat except Filet Mignon in the evenings. Very popular and boisterous. No reservations. SAL’S PIZZA – 2525 Wycliff Ave, Dallas 75219 – 214-522-1828 salspizzadallas.com Since the 80s a taste of Brooklyn in the heart of Dallas. Unique “Special Toppings”: eggplant, artichoke hearts, giant meatballs. White pizza, Italian hero sandwiches, veal dishes, Combo Dinner, Shrimp Scampi, Cappuccino Pie. Capable service by an interesting waitstaff. Free delivery. STRATOS GREEK TAVERNA – 2907 W Northwest Hwy, Dallas 75220 – 214-352-3321 clubstratos. com Great authentic offerings: Calamari, Pastitsio (like lasagna) with veggies. Five Gyro options, including two with chicken. Also: Greek burger and pizza, Chicken Lemonato, Mom’s Moussaka, Kastro baklava. Amazing brunch and belly dancing six nights. SUSHI ON MCKINNEY – 4438 McKinney Ave, Dallas 75205 – 214-443-0605 sushionmckinney. com Since 1983 has shown the way to the new fusion cuisine. Appetizers include soft shell crab, quail eggs. Sushi rolls offer a lot for the money. Interesting specialties, such as a Pad Thai made with Japanese udon. Warm service in a relaxed atmosphere. TOULOUSE CAFÉ AND BAR – 3314 Knox St, Dallas 75205 – 214-520-8999 toulousecafeandbar.com A popular meeting-place. For $26 the bouillabaisse is reasonable; same goes for the lobster salad at $18. Great appetizers include hot foie gras and tuna tartare. Knox location, brasserie ambience, food with Belgian roots make this a great place to splurge. Elegant. TRULUCK’S – 2401 McKinney Ave, Dallas 75201 - – 214-220-2401 trulucks.com To start, try Hot House Tomato Salad or Crab and Artichoke Bisque. Notable: King Crab legs large enough to be a table leg; Thai Chili Day Boat Scallops in Thai chili glaze). Best of the steaks: 16 oz. Niman Ranch Prime Hand-Cut Ribeye. Creative sides include Crab Fried Rice. WAI WAI – 3020 Mockingbird, Dallas 75205 – 214-368-9494 waiwaikitchen.com Fine standard Thai fare with exotic variants: Thai Lomein noodles with chicken, spicy grilled Thai beef salad, Jungle curry, Drunken noodles, Sricacha fried rice, Spicy basil chicken & shrimp, Thai beef jerky, Tulip dumplings. Delivery available. Second location on Lemmon. WEST END PUB – 1801 N Lamar, Dallas 75202 – 214-748-5711 westendpubdallas.net Complimentary Buffet Mon-Fri 4-7, full menu with Brunch specials. BEST Quiche in downtown, made to order Breakfast Quesadillas. Mimosas with fresh squeezed OJ for only $2. Lunch for $5, dinner under $10. Food served till last call, free shuttle to AAC.
Guide to Good Eats
CAFÉ GECKO – 5290 Beltline Rd, Dallas 75254 – 972-458-9884 cafegecko.net Quesadillas and soft tacos are great for snacking; Tortilla Soup and Shrimp Chowder are outstanding. Caribbean and Cajun influences: Jerk Fish Tacos, Shrimp Po’boy and Blackened Chicken (or shrimp or fish upon request). Side of rice pilaf is tasty with a small bowl of borracho beans. DODIE’S – 4812 Belt Line Rd, Dallas 75254 – 972-387-0004 – dodiesaddison.com Spacious but lots of N’Awlins style. Try: Salmon, Mahi Mahi, Trout and Tilapia with a choice of six sauces. Also good: Crawfish Étouffée, Le Toulouse or Old Metarie; pasta with grilled or blackened seafood, Cream of Crab Soup. Waitresses are pretty and quick; many flatscreens. DUKE’S ORIGINAL ROADHOUSE – 4180 Belt Line Rd, Addison 75001 – 972-503-2337 (also at Parker and Central in Plano) dukesoriginalroadhouse.com Vintage memorabilia and half-pound, all-beef burgers. Soups and salads, pork ribs, salmon, shrimp, chicken and three kinds of steak are all good. Great events (Jell-o Mania, Mr. Puniverse). Awesome patio. FLYING FISH – 5100 Belt Line Rd, Dallas 75254 – 972-851-3474 flyingfishinthe.net Great Gumbo and Fish tacos. Trout and red snapper are the best grilled fish. Specials on the chalkboard are very reasonable and all-you-can-eat catfish night is one of the best deals in Dallas. Their tape of old blues greats is worth the trip by itself. Offers beers and a margarita. JOE’S PIZZA PASTA & SUBS – 1904 E Belt Line Rd, Carrollton 75006 – 972-416-6555 joespizzasubs.com Authentic, affordable Italian dishes. Pizzas are NY-style). They also offer Fettucine Alfredo, Baked Ziti, Lasagna, Cannelloni, Cannoli and Zappolis on request. And Joe’s gives back to the community: ask to help at the annual Thanksgiving Soup Kitchen. KAMPAI SUSHI & GRILL – 4995 Addison Circle, Dallas 75001 – 972-490-8888 kampaiaddison. com Try Shiitake mushroom and vegetable soup or House, Chicken, Seafood or Seaweed salads with ginger, sesame or plum dressing. Also Beef Yakiniku, Salmon Teriyaki and Pork Katsu. Long list of fresh and tasty sushi and sashimi. Friendly service. LEFTY’S LOBSTER AND CHOWDERHOUSE – 4021 Belt Line Rd, Addison 75001 – 972-774-9518 – leftyslobster.com The menu is eclectic with many Italian preparations. Try the Clam Chowder or Lobster Bisque at $4.95, followed by Mussels Marinara or Steamed Clams. All seafood portions are enormous and well-sauced. Maredsous Belgian Ale is perfect for pairing. LUE’ISIANA PO’ BOYS – 1104 S Elm, Carrollton 75006 (972) 245-7900 lueisianapoboys.com The owner’s last name is Lue. Po’boys are some of the best outside of N’Awlins and served on bread from the Crescent City: shrimp, catfish (fried or blackened), oysters, hot sausage, roast beef, more. Seafood gumbo with rice, red beans and rice, dirty rice. Daily specials. MEMPHIS CLUB WITH SHUCK ’N JIVE – 5000 Beltline Rd, Dallas 75254 – 972-386-9517 972386-9934 memphis-dallas.com The club is billed as “Dallas’s number one nightspot since 1981.” (Great music.) Great lunch specials (11-4). Notable anytime: Blackened or Whole Catfish, Gumbo. Also Fish Tacos, Cajundillas (chicken or beef), Garlic Crab Claws. NATE’S SEAFOOD & STEAKHOUSE – 14951 Midway Rd, Addison 75001 – 972-701-9622 natesseafood.com Mostly Cajun, except for specialties like Ahi Tuna salad. Also notable: Crawfish Étouffée, Blackened Alligator Nathan Po-Boy, Peacemaker, Turbo Crawfish, Clams & Mussels Combo, Crab Finger Dinner, Bread Pudding and Live Blues. RED CURRY – 3628 Frankford Rd, Dallas 75287 – 972-820-7775 redcurrydallas.com Many pleasant surprises like Cucumber Mango Salad, Larb Kai, Papaya Salad with Shrimp; Pineapple Shrimp Curry (with coconut); Crabmeat Fried Rice, Shrimp and Chicken with Basil, Shrimp and Scallops Supreme and Salmon Curry. Soups by the cup or bowl. Caters and delivers. TASTY GREEK – 1906-A E Belt Line Rd, Carrollton 75006 – 972-416-7884 All meals are cooked to order; great lunch buffet on Tues. and Thurs. Try: Gyros, Moussaka, Lamb or Chicken or Kafta kabobs with fresh vegetables; Baklava. Also Falafel, Hummus, Tabbouli, Baba ghanouj and stuffed or baked Kibbie. Daily lunch specials, Turkish coffee. BYOB, catering. TEXADELPHIA – 5000 Belt Line Rd, Dallas 75254 – 972-385-3256 texadelphia.com Offers eight cheesesteaks, 8” or 10”, with chips and salsa, or for a little more, fries. The Founder’s Favorite is the most popular: Angus beef with grilled onions, mozzarella cheese, mushrooms and jalapeños topped with a mustard blend. The food is reasonable and addicting.
ADDISON / CARROLLTON / DALLAS NEARBY
JUNE 22 - 28, 2011 15
16 JUNE 22 - 28, 2011 by David Goodspeed
I have written about the new Chevrolet Volt extended-range electric vehicle before, so I am not going to go into too much technical detail here. This time I am going to delve into the “electric lifestyle” that would surround a consumer who drives one of the new breed of vehicles home. It did not take me long to figure out a week with an electric vehicle was going to require some different thinking. In fact, when the vehicle was delivered, more than half the battery pack was already drained just going from warehouse to carwash to my driveway in the ’burbs. So I dig into the rear storage compartment of the Volt and find the 110V home charging cord that comes with each vehicle. The one that they show in their TV ad that says it will plug into any outlet. Wrong. It will not plug into an outlet in a house that was built in 1956 such as mine was, not to mention there are no outlets on the driveway side of my house. What was my homebuilder thinking 55 years ago? So I drag out an extension cord and plug the vehicle into a newer outlet inside the house that has the extra ground connection. Success.
Only, it is nearly 100 degrees outside and I have to crack the door for the cord, so the AC is quickly escaping, making my home electric bill climb significantly, not to mention how warm the cord was growing. Fail. OK, maybe I can charge the car at work. GM says it only needs about eight hours for a full charge on 110V, so since I work 10-hour shifts, that should do it. Hmm, no power outlets in the employee parking lot. What the heck were these folks thinking? Must be related to my homebuilder. I inquire of those with a higher pay grade and they suggest one of the plugs in the equipment bay. Huzzah! Except now my vehicle is in the way if anyone else has to access the bay or the rear drive. OK, someone in an even higher pay grade states the light poles in front of the building have electric outlets because that is where they plug the holiday lights in. Sweet. Except I have to make sure and plug in AFTER the lawn sprinklers have run their cycle in the
mornings. So I have the plug in the outlet and the charge cable hooked to the side of the car via the charging access door (looks like a fuel filler door but is on the front left fender). I get green lights and a corresponding horn honk from the Volt telling me charging has commenced. And then another honk. And then two flashing red lights on the charge status indicator box. Rats. Seems the charging technology does not like the status of the ground in this circuit. The electrician must have been a relative of my homebuilder as well. (How much kin does he have around here?) Everywhere I went in the Volt this week I inquired if they had a charging station for my vehicle. Nope, sorry, negative, not-onyour-life-this-is-an-oil-state-son, nada, what the hell is a charging station? – and all that was just from the guys
at the barber shop. So I spent the entire week driving around using the onboard motor to generate the electricity needed to run my Volt. Fuel economy in town is a heavenly 50 to 80 mpg but when we headed two hours down the highway in 101-degree Texas sunshine, that
figure sank to just under 40 mpg. (Still not too shabby but hardly a reason by itself to purchase the Volt over anything else in its size class.) True, the gas generator motor burns very
“A Heavy Foot and High Opinion”
clean and yes, progressive cities are getting public charging stations. The Volt was fairly comfortable and quiet (in electric drive mode it is almost silent, so watch out for sleeping cats under the car). There is a normal and sport driving mode and the climate control has selectable Eco or comfort modes as well to fine-tune your power consumption. And I really like the styling of this vehicle. It is one of those cars that looks so much better in person than in photos and the Crystal Red Metallic ours was bathed in was gorgeous in the sunlight. The accompanying price tag was a bit more than anticipated. Our tester arrived in premium trim package with a technology and wheel upgrade that brought the sticker to $44,180. They say the federal government will kick about $7,500 back to you (not sure if this is dollar-for-dollar or if it goes through some of that IRS new math on your tax return) so you still end up with a car in the mid to upper 30s. The home remodel to be able to charge your vehicle may run you slightly more, especially if yours is as old as mine (or built by one of my homeb u i l d e r ’s relatives).
Out and about in DFW with Hannah Allen
by Jack E. Jett
Rooftop Cut Short
few weeks ago I discovered a friend of mine had joined a new band called Evenmark. In all the years I’ve been friends with Jack and his wonderful wife Becca, I’d never made it out to hear him play. The trick to having musicians as friends is that you can never assume they’re good at what they do just because they’re cool people. You can also never assume someone is a cool person because he or she is a great musician. As I’ve mentioned in my column before I’m a believer in what the social network phenom has done for local music. The endless access to showdates, readily available music and free promotion has changed the game radically for fans and bands alike. In many ways it is sad to see the romantic wordof-mouth underground that broke a mega-icon such as Metallica give way to this newfangled interweb but for better or worse the format seems here to stay. After checking Evenmark out on Facebook I can honestly say I was excited to see what they had to offer live, and thrilled at being spared the awkward situation of lying to someone I’ve known for five years about the quality of his art. After hugs and hellos on the rooftop of The Bone I settled in with my Red Stag under the stars. Several songs into their set, Dividing the Stone—the first band up— begged the crowd to buy them shots. Now, I was under the impression that if your music and passion reached people on a certain level they would be compelled to buy you shots. Along the same lines, if you are good enough, people would want to be on their feet instead of just trying to enjoy their bourbon until the headliner goes on. My husband eventually got bored of their fairly uninspiring set and ventured downstairs to check out the blues trio we’d seen setting up on the way in. He sent me an urgent text to follow him a few minutes later. As I descended the staircase I heard the unmistakable lead line to ‘Little Wing.’
The further I went, the more the power-trio seemed to fill every part of that downstairs room. I love a good blues trio and it’s rare to find one with members in their late twenties who can pull their weight with such a marked standard. After being panhandled to upstairs, Jason Elmore and Hoodoo Witch were giving me their music with a steady hand which gave weight to their performance. This is a band worth going out to hear. They play quite a bit and will even be gracing The Goat with their presence next month. After learning that the upstairs performers were required to bring their own P.A. System and that there wasn’t a soundman from the establishment keeping track of time it came as less of a surprise that Evenmark didn’t even get to take the stage until 1 a.m. – only an hour late. Evenmark laid into their songs, with my friend Jack amply beefing up the rhythm section, I’m proud to say. A few songs into their set a buzz started going around that the police were about to break the party up, and sure enough, during their most realized and sexy tune, ‘She Comes At Night,’ the manager demanded that they stop – right in the middle of the tune. Crestfallen, they complied, but not before the crowd cheered as loud as they could in protest. Looking over the side of the patio into the street we saw four DPD Cruisers with their lights on. As I left The Bone at 1:32 a. m. and passed all those cop cars like a walk-ofshame I sort of wondered where you can play loud late at night if not in Deep Ellum? On the other hand I thought it was pretty great that Jack’s band was rock and roll enough that they were too much for the city’s finest to handle. I’m going to hear Evenmark play again at the end of this month at the Prophet Bar. They won’t have to solicit a round from me, I’ll obviously have to give it to them during their first number before the police have time to shut them down.
Ole Anthony is in charge of the Trinity Project and they’re sort of what I would call a watchdog group over television evangelists. Are you going to correct me? Yeah. First of all it’s the Trinity Foundation. Second of all, Trinity is not named for the Big Three or for the Trinity River. It’s named for the first atomic bomb. Thirdly, most of our efforts are meeting the needs of the poor and the homeless. Could I have screwed it up any more? I became fascinated with Ole Anthony when I saw a prime time live special on him and his involvement with the Robert Tilton Foundation. Can you just tell us a bit about that? Let me go back for just a minute. We started in 1972 and for all those years up until the mideighties we had been taking the homeless in, but we took them into our homes, not into a shelter. Then in the mid-eighties I found out that there were the same number of churches in America as there were homeless people. So at a press conference I encouraged America’s churches to do what we had been doing all these years and we had a few churches comply but most got compassion fatigue very quickly. Then we were inundated with homeless people and I found out that a significant number of them had given their last dollar betting on the spiritual lottery—you know, the hundredfold blessing. And no one would do anything about it. We contacted the ministries that I thought were doing fraud per se and national religious broadcasters. We even contacted legal authorities and they said it was a free speech issue. They can do what they want. And I got so mad… I had done intelligence work for the government, so I used that experience to get a private eye license and begin proactive investigations of these ministries. And that’s when Diane Sawyer called and wanted our assistance in a six-month undercover program. We really investigated three different evangelists. And they were? Robert Tilton, a guy named Larry Lea and another one, W. V. Grant. W. V. Grant and Larry Lea just sort of kept quiet but Tilton resisted strongly and that’s why most people remember it. But I think they also remember it because Robert Tilton is freaking insane and jumps up and down on his desk like a monkey. Like Tom Cruise, yes. Anyway, that’s what had happened and the program won
every award in television, the Diane Sawyer program, and that was their first national exposure. Since then we’ve done hundreds and hundreds of investigations—in the last few years, mostly for the foreign press. Let me ask you this. Where is Robert Tilton today? He’s living in Florida in a brand new five million dollar home with a new wife, his third wife—Maria— and he’s now Archbishop Robert Tilton. He named himself Archbishop. [Co-host suggests “Like the ‘arch’ in ‘arch-criminal’ and Anthony laughs.] But whenever his mailing list starts to dwindle he goes back on… He’s mostly on BET [Black Entertainment Television]. They sell blocks of programming time to ministries and that’s where he gets most of his donors… You, Ole, are a religious man, aren’t you? Oh, yes. We have a religious community. I’m a sold-out believer. I’ve taken a vow of poverty, and unfortunately, a vow of chastity… And we live very simply. The workers on staff here make $55 a week plus room and board. We have a staff of investigators. And we publish the world’s only religious satire magazine, The Whittenburg Door. [Briefly The Door and now The New Door. Ed.] And you believe in Jesus in the biblical sense that… I believe that Jesus was resurrected from the dead, but that the resurrection from the dead was the seed of a divine impulse in all men. With that in mind, what are your views on homosexuality? I have none. The Bible isn’t about homosexuality and people who try to make it about that are idiots. Why do those people grasp onto that? Because it gives them something to be against and then they can be right about something in their minds. The funny part is, which I found in all of these investigations that we do, what you’re consciously against you’re subconsciously subject to. [JETT STREAMS airs on Wednesday and Friday from 4 to 6 p.m. on rationalbroadcasting.com]
JUNE 22 - 28, 2011 17
18 JUNE 22 - 28, 2011
Produce Manager Dear BLITZbudsman:
I’m arranging some anise root, artichokes and celeriac when this lady comes to me and says, “Jerry? Is that your name? I want you to fix me up with that kid who’s bagging groceries at station two.” Then she takes me by the arm and pulls me around bread so I can see who she means. It’s this clean-cut kid
who’d be at football practice if he didn’t need the money. I happen to know that his father’s a low-life sh!t who ran off on his mother. Jerry’s not my name, by the way. I bet she calls everybody Jerry. I tell her “Look, lady, I’m not your pimp,” and I make sure she sees me looking at the big rock on her fourth finger. She bursts out laughing. But she must have got someone to relay her request because that night I saw that good-looking kid leaving work in her car. I’d never seen this lady before that day. Tanned, with beautiful clothes and shoes and sunglasses pushed back into her hair—I’d have remembered her. Then here she comes three days later and the guy she’s with has got to be her husband. She’s pushing the cart and telling him what to put inside. When she sees me she bursts out laughing and sticks out her tongue. I’m not making this up! Her husband asks her, “Why did you do that?” “He’s a little creep is why!” she says. Now her husband is giving me dirty looks and I’m already wanting to rat her out. The next night before they even leave the lot she’s got the kid in her car again with her tongue down his throat! That was the last straw. I went to the kid the next afternoon and told him I’d seen his girlfriend—“You know, the one who’s old enough to be your mother,” with her husband. He told me to mind my own business but I could see the fear in his eyes. Yesterday up at the counter for money orders, who do I see but the rich lady talking to the store manager and they’re both looking over at me. My blood ran cold. By the way, every time she’s in the store my displays are all messed up. I know it’s
by Jesse Whitman
her. Should I tell the store manager what I know? The kid’s mother? Should I try to find out who this woman is and get her husband involved? What do you suggest? –Man in the middle
Dear Man: Your nemesis has characterized you as a little creep. If you’re a runt, your complaints are likely to fall on deaf ears. You’ll be seen as a pipsqueak who wishes he could get some of what this lady is distributing—no doubt to others besides the grocery-bagger. On principle, because the customer is always right, you should have obliged her. Telling a colleague of someone’s sexual interest isn’t too much to ask of a produce manager. No doubt she’d have gone to the meat department but those fellows are always in a back room chopping away. In spite of her admirable directness in making her needs known, delicacy in the seduction of an adolescent is understandable. If it makes you squeamish, rent one of Louis Malle’s early films, Murmur of the Heart. An older woman on fire with lust is the best thing that could ever happen to a young man who has “got his growth”—his brain will catch up. Americans need to stop raising their eyebrows and tsking so much. That being said, your desire to create appetizing displays has my sympathy. This woman has to be stopped. Ask someone to explain what “killing the messenger” means and you’ll understand why you shouldn’t go to the boy’s mother. No doubt the store manager will take your side if he catches her destroying the eye-appeal of his perishable merchandise. Afterward, when you see her loitering in the lot for more of what she wants from your young co-worker, don’t go to the police! Write to the BLITZbudsman at email@example.com
The title of this article alone serves as an example of how ridiculous the world is when the brilliant Confederacy of Dunces took over a decade to get published and posthumously at that. Then you have this waspy, over-privileged divorcee making millions off her clit-lit—Eat Pray Love ring a bell?—that offers little more than her whining over her mock problems:“I love Italy but I miss my penthouse in Manhattan, I got a divorce, my stomach is a muffin-top,” etc. If only she had presented a self-deprecating, and accurate personal disclaimer at the beginning of the book: “Please forgive me if I at any time in this book sound whiny or self-absorbed.” If she would have included that in her book then, so help me, I would have gladly read that awful mess from cover to cover. And if she had dropped a few more of those personal disclaimers throughout the book, I may have even hovered for a moment on the Eat Pray Love Trademark Limited Edition Scented Candle Collection being peddled on the Home Shopping Network. And that’s saying a lot because the only other time I have stopped on the shopping channel was to laugh at an over-processed cougar in a tight spandex tube dress trying to sell plus-plus-sized women’s underwear in Christmas colors. Stephen King said that the road to hell is paved with adverbs, but it’s my feeling that the road to hell is paved with mediocrity, which has infiltrated every aspect of society. Let me first start with the Top 40 and Auto-Tune. It appears that the next Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera can be tone deaf and go platinum. Yes, America has spoken. You don’t have to be a good singer, just good-looking, like a stripper off the interstate or a desperate Mötley Crüe groupie, respectively. Or if you actually are tone deaf and ugly, you can just distract people from your horse face with the most bizarre postmodern unic fashion you can find—paging Lady Gaga... Which
“A Woman’s Perspective”
brings me to another aspect of modern civilization that is shamefully mediocre: plastic surgery. First, let me give a shout out to those plastic surgeons who can miraculously and brilliantly put back together a face that has been broken in 300 places from a near-fatal car accident. That is plastic surgery at its best. But for the rest, which makes up about 99.9 percent, it is one of the worst examples of mediocrity. If, say, for one reason or other, a woman wants a nose, boob, or lip job, either as a way to repair decades of bad self-esteem or simply due to vanity being a main and possibly unhealthy hobby, there are not many options. For lips you have three choices—baboon lips or trout lips, and now the baboon-trout lips, which is an unfortunate combination of two already bad lip shapes. For noses, you have the pinched LaToya Jackson nose or the utility button-shaped nose. And boob jobs are even worse. You only have one choice—oversized cantaloupes standing at attention and defying gravity. And a face lift? The standard stretched cat face is the best money can buy. “But big boobs are awesome!” you yell in protest. And yes, I have to agree, but not if they all look the same. Get a blonde wig and a barbed wire tattoo and we’d all easily look like Pamela Anderson. And maybe that’s not so bad either, but let me ask you this: Do you really want grapefruit everyday for breakfast for the rest of your life? I highly doubt it. Variety is the one thing keeping our blood from turning to dust and plastic surgery is slowly and steadily weeding out uniqueness one boob and lip job at a time. Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid had some wise words about mediocrity: if you’re on the right you’re ok, if you’re on the left you’re ok. If you are in the middle, get squish just like grape! Now I know what he was talking about. While taking the middle road of mediocrity can be easy and safe, you will only stay at the bottom of the intellectual food chain and filet mignon sure sounds better than mac ’n cheese.
JUNE 22 - 28, 2011 19
Give your fishy friends something to do other than just glub around with the Labyrinth Aquarium. Made from Lucite, this six-globe aquarium is designed for tropical fish, and includes silk plants, three lights, filters, air pumps, and cleaning equipment, as well as an optional dedicated table in cherry, black, or carbon fiber. Just think of it as a BiOrb on steroids. (Price – $5,500-$6,500)
Northstar Brew Master Refrigerator
What’s better than having a brand-new, retro-style refrigerator? Having one with a beer tap built in. The Northstar Brew Master Refrigerator comes in three styles — 1950, 1951, and 1952 — and arrives fresh from the factory with a through-the-door draught system preinstalled, including the tap dispenser, coupler, connections, CO2 cylinder, and drip tray. As a bonus, you can choose to have it set up for your preferred keg style, letting you decide how much usable refrigerator is left over. (Price – $3,000-$5,300)
by the BLITZbudsman
A confused friend from South of the Border has asked me to weigh in on the question of spanking women—any women, even wives when they have not necessarily been naughty. Before I give reasons for my endorsement of this practice I want to make it very clear that I do not endorse the spanking of children under any circumstances. “Time out” is all that is necessary to teach children correct behavior, especially if it is reinforced by ankle chains and electric fences. Certain negatives come to mind when considering whether women should be spanked, mostly the result of the last century’s unbridled liberalism or “women’s liberation.” By now it should be clear that women, like some animals, will run wild when they are liberated. Like the Amish, they will test their limits before deciding that a monogamous relationship is best for raising children; that even though size does matter, it is more important for them to find a cagemate than to take pot luck every time they walk down the street; that partnership with any human being, male or female, should
involve a sharing of cage-labor, and now that women’s salaries have been inching up to men’s, they should be expected to share their incomes as willingly as men (except for alcoholics and other secretive types) have always been willing to do. All this being said, the weaker sex is very much more susceptible to sexual inebriation. I was once caged with a woman who made love to two or three different men—in different habitats!—on her way home from work. The simple truth is, when she shuts her eyes because of joyous feelings that arise in the sex center and her eyes roll back in her head, her brain is absolutely useless. Can there be any doubt that God wanted it this way? Can there be any doubt that a brief, stinging discipline, administered by her husband, is what God intended to cleanse her of all the confusion brought on by the different DNA swimming around inside her, all the blinding sensations, all the problems in remembering
who what where when why and the cries of the children at home waiting for her return? With the best will in the world to discipline the beloved, spankers must learn to curb their enthusiasm. Failure to distinguish between cries of pain and cries of pleasure could land one in jail! Remember how Hippocrates advised the world’s first therapists: no matter how much you want to sometimes, first do no harm. Of course you would like her to reverberate when you percuss her backside and moan ecstatically when you toss her around like a sack of potatoes. Gratitude for such treatment will build slowly over time. The glorious day is sure to arrive when she will disrobe the moment you come through the door and throw herself whimpering across your lap the moment you’ve sat down. Of course her little moans and gasps and whimpers are prelude to paroxysms of a higher order and rafter-rattling screams. Convinced that she is incorrigible she’ll give in to her wildest desires, surprising you both yet again with their savagery. In this way you’re the guarantor of her freedom and the reason for it. Without you right or wrong doesn’t even exist. Is there still any doubt that you were made for each other?
20 JUNE 22 - 28, 2011
HORRORSCOPES Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. All colors are unlucky for you this week, so it is advised that you walk around with your eyes closed at all times. Watch out for manholes.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding toward other people’s problems. They think you are a sucker. In other words you’ll be working on Saturday for free.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Q: Did you hear about LeBron’s new book? A: He only needs a title!
You discover that tapioca has somehow worked its way into all of your best clothes or is it really tapioca? Enjoy your trip to New Fine Arts for SundayFunday!
Q: What is the difference between Saturn and LeBron? A: Saturn has rings. Q: Why can’t LeBron James make change for a dollar? A: He doesn’t have a fourth quarter! Q: Did you hear about the new LeBron James phone? A: It only vibrates and has no rings. The Goldfish and the Cat Little Amy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheekyfaced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Amy?” “My goldfish died,” replied Amy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Amy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) ACROSS:
1. Shop 6. Put away 10. Speaker’s platform 14. The language of ancient Rome 15. Asphalt 16. Cocoyam 17. Be 18. Neighborhood 19. Inform 20. Work made of willow branches 22. Sword 23. Grandmother (British) 24. Strong sexual desires 26. Truth 30. A garment hanging from the waist 32. Make amends 33. Headsail 37. Leave in a hurry 38. Being in debt to 39. Boyfriend 40. A reappearance of an earlier characteristic 42. Sanctify 43. Spiteful
44. Native American tent 45. Insect stage 47. Not high 48. Small annoying insect 49. Valid 56. Hindu princess 57. Mistakes 58. Weary 59. Pearly-shelled mussel 60. Hard work 61. Adhere 62. A leguminous plant 63. Slave 64. Exciting
1. Killed 2. Cab 3. Auditory 4. Hazard 5. Accord 6. Offspring 7. Tropical root 8. Not under 9. Wimp 10. Abhorrent 11. Highly skilled 12. Runs in neutral
13. Only 21. Beam 25. Ashes holder 26. Gigantic 27. Carve in stone 28. Engine sound 29. Chanting 30. Piquant 31. An eccentric idea 33. Smack 34. Retain 35. Lack of difficulty 36. Feint 38. Antiquated 41. What tails of dogs do 42. Captivate 44. Young child 45. Silly 46. Craze 47. A strong tightly twisted cotton thread 48. Food 50. Cupid, to the Greeks 51. Smile 52. Approximately 1.6 km 53. Operatic solo 54. Be inclined 55. Jittery
Convert your money to cash and offer it to the gods in a giant bonfire in the center of the city park. You’ll be amazed when your followers walk away laughing.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. Inclined to be careless and impractical, you will make the same mistake over and over again.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
This week you become closely acquainted with the STD treatment business, something which will last the rest of your isolated, itchy life.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
During an unsuccessful escape attempt from Lew Sterrett, you will crawl through 1230 feet of ratinfested sewer tunnels to end up at Dwaine Caraway’s house.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Those who truly know you will despise your soul with as much passion as they put into having sex with your partner. Depressed, you will go on an all-night cooking rampage.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
When you wake up Saturday, you’ll find that your daughter’s ugly spouse has stolen all of your money, your ability to wash your clothes is gone, and dinner is burning.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
Everyone around you hates you. Be extremely careful for the next three weeks. Although it seems like everything is going well in your life, it is not.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
Your identity will be stolen in the next seven days. When he realizes how miserable it is, the thief will quickly return it to you.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 21)
This week you will find out that you are the product of the furtive imagination of a bath sponge. Sucks to be you…
JUNE 22 - 28, 2011 21
I don’t get it. With all the serious issues in the world today, why in the hell are so many people fixated on the sexual dalliances of sports figures and politicians? I mean really, why should anybody give a flying flop? You’ve got to know that guys like Tiger Woods and Jesse James have 8x10 framed pictures of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Anthony Weiner up on their mantles, surrounded by burning candles and incense, and every time they walk by they probably give a little bow and say, “Thank you, Lord, for letting the glass-house-minions drag somebody else through the muck and mire for a while.” Let’s face it…Woods and James just whacked golf balls and built cool motorcycles for a living. These new cannon-fodder candidates were supposed to be running the country. Look at Schwarzenegger. What was it they used to call him back in his bodybuilding heyday? Oh yeah…The Austrian Oak… that was it. Come on guys, you can’t tell me that there’s one red-blooded American man out there who doesn’t believe that a buffedup gym rat like that, walking around with a nickname that has to do with hard wood, isn’t going to goose a few tushies and plow some wild oats. If you don’t think he had running around hard-wired right down to the core of his DNA, then I’ve got some lake front vacation property in Iraq I’d like to sell you. So really, were you that surprised when it came out about his extracurricular activity? And this Anthony Weiner guy…who ever heard of this knucklehead before he tweeted a shot of his Fruit of the Looms to some sweetie-to-be, anyway? Should it be national news that he was just too stupid to
hide it from the public eye when he got his freak on? With a last name like Weiner, you know he either had to be the toughest guy on the block growing up, or he got super-wedgies yanked up around his ears and his ass kicked on a regular basis, from the time he started kindergarten until he graduated from high school. I’ve seen pictures of this guy, so I’m betting on wedgies and ass-kicking. And though I’m no Dr. Phil, anyone with a background like that is a shoo-in for membership in the Freak Of The Week Club, and you can’t tell me that the people who voted him into office didn’t at least think about that. Even when he was elected, don’t you think there were some pinheads who said things like, “Oh yeah, my congressman is a Weiner...”? Sure, it’s childish and immature, but doesn’t that seem to be the way so many things are these days? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not defending what these guys did. They were stupid… stupid enough to get caught. But I will say this, in the grand scheme of things these days, with unemployment ringing the bell at an all-time high, and gas prices barking at the $4.00 a gallon mark, and war raging around the globe, I wouldn’t care if a politician stood up on the top of the Statue of Liberty and waggled his weenie at flocks of pigeons, and humped the maid and howled at the moon, if he’d just do something to balance our budget and create some real jobs, and figure out a way to get our soldiers out of harm’s way. If you ask me, the esteemed politicians who fail to do those things are the ones we should be chunking rocks at, and we need to spend less time worrying about who kissed Suzie under the bleachers.
by Dennis Hambright