VOL. 3 - ISSUE 37
Second-story man in a cape
BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile/Movie Review 4 Music: Bombing Ibiza 5 Mavs/Vigilantes News 6-7 Rangers News 8 COVER STORY: Burger Time! Burgers Of Yore 9 Flaming Burger 9 Our Favorite Restaurants 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Cara 12 Married On A Thursday 13 The Jettstream 13 Blitz Toys 15 Blitz Auto Review 15 Can This Job Be Saved? 16 The Birth Order 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: In-N-Out Burger 18 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jeff Putnam PHOTO EDITOR Darryl Briggs COVER Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors, Matt Pearce CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Hannah Allen, Khedara Ariyaratne, Manny Flores, David Goodspeed, Christopher Harte, Chase McAlpine, Phil Parker, Amy White STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Sam Chase, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Dennis Hambright, Jack E. Jett, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak, Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Hannah Allen, Raymond Bloomquist, David Goodspeed, Andrew J. Hewett, Jon Sullivan CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 email@example.com
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You’re an officer on patrol with the Petoskey Department of Public Safety (Petoskey is a town more than 200 miles from Detroit on the far northeast shore of Lake Michigan.) As an American whose mind has been flooded with such imagery all your young life there’s a long moment where you think you’ve finally spotted the real Batman. He’s got the pointy bat ears. And he’s hanging by his hands from a building on East Mitchell Street. But that’s all he’s doing: hanging. You’re a beat policeman, so you rub your eyes, tap your buddy on the shoulder, go and rescue the guy. Good thing, because he couldn’t have held on much longer. Then you see what the guy’s got with him: a can of chemical spray, lead-lined gloves and a billy club. Hmm… And you learn that he’s a 31-yearold kook from Harbor Springs, right across the Little Traverse Bay from Petoskey. You bust him of course, and before you know it you’re up for a commendation. Keep a straight face!
The mills of God grind slowly
Yeah, and they grind exceeding small. It took ten months from the time Josue Rivera, 38, mistakenly gave a flash drive to a Bridgeport (Connecticut) funeral director to play at a memorial service. Instead of a slideshow to memorialize his departed friend, Rivera had handed over his favorite archive of kiddie porn. According to The Connecticut Post, Someone at the Luz de Paz Funeral Home finally noticed what was on the drive, and notified Bridgeport police, who swung into action. They arrested Rivera and charged him with first-degree possession of child pornography. And they seized his home computer and discovered 35 children in 153 different files and three videos of what they believe to be child pornography. Would the numbers have been so big if police had been notified ten months earlier? Can it be that there are still people in the U.S. who don’t know that this stuff is against the law?
Andrew J. Hewett
Obama as big-eared SEAL
In one of the sickest and slickest instances of war profiteering on record, a Connecticut entrepreneur named Emil Vicale—who owns a company that produces action figures—is selling one that depicts a fierce and muscular President Obama dressed as a Navy SEAL and carrying an assault rifle. Hero Builders will be marketing the figure as “Rambama.” (Groan…) These were the same wunderkinder who gave us the action figure of Bush Two holding his bullhorn after 9-11. According to the savvy but simpleminded Vicale, Obama had his bullhorn moment almost ten years after Bush’s. His Hero Builders company was formed after Bush told the world through his bullhorn that “the people who knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon…” Well, anyway, Emil Vicale was listening and those words were the inspiration behind his Hero Builders company. And Emil Vicale was listening when President Obama told the world, “Tonight I can report… that the United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama bin Laden, the leader of al Qaeda.” At that very moment Emil was shaken by a shiver of creativity and Rambama was born. Just when a few people in the Middle East were starting to take us seriously!
PROBATION THIS TIME?
After George James Bradley, 32, of Lubbock, TX, served five years in prison for deadly conduct and drug offenses, he was released in 2005. In 2010, he was sentenced to another five years for assault on a public servant that had occurred three months after his release in 2005, so was given credit for time served already and released. In May 2011, Bradley poured gasoline on his mother and set her on fire before running to a nearby school, where he tried to rape a teacher at knife point.
May 8, 2011, The Oklahoman newspaper told of a local farmer who, after 11 fires were set on his property by an unknown assailant, hid a security camera inside his outdoor barbecue grill. And he caught the arsonist, Sharlet Renea Flick, 47, his own wife. (She was charged with third-degree arson and endangering human life.)
50 YEARS LATER, SAME
Making a speech before the National Association of Broadcasters, on May 10, 1961, Federal Communications Chairman Newton N. Minow declared the majority of television programming was a “vast wasteland” of “game shows, comedies about unbelievable families, blood and thunder, mayhem, violence, sadism, murder, western bad men, western good men, private eyes, gangsters, more violence and cartoons.” (etc., etc., etc.)
QUOTE OF THE WEEK “I still love making hamburgers on the grill. I guess whenever I eat them childhood memories come up for me.” – Bobby Flay
HOLLYWOOD PROFILE with Johnny Depp
by Vivian Fullerlove
Everyone’s favorite seafaring captain is back! Johnny Depp reprises his role as Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. This is the fourth installment in the Disney film’s franchise. The House of Mouse has raked in over 2.5 billion dollars...I personally think Keith Richards deserves a piece of the action since he is Depp’s inspiration for the character that millions of people around the world have grown to know and love! I sat down with Depp to talk about the film and about his new leading lady, the lovely Penelope Cruz. How did you feel about resurrecting the Captain Jack character for a fourth time? The idea of a fourth one after finishing Pirates 3, you know somewhere in the back of your head you were thinking, “I sure hope so. I sure hope.” You always kind of expect that someone would come around a couple of years later and say we had this idea for a scenario, blah blah blah, which is exactly what happened; so I was very happy. So what adventure is Capt. Jack going to take us on this time around? The main quest is the Fountain of Youth. Obviously, there are several [others who are] interested in the Fountain of Youth. There’s King George of England, there’s the Spanish, the pirates and Blackbeard. I thought it was great. It’s something they talked about early on when they were talking sequels. They talked about the Fountain of Youth and Ponce de Leon, and I
“Entertainment’s Real Critic”
never quite saw how we were going to pull it off, but we certainly did. And Blackbeard is of course your most treacherous opponent on this quest, right? The beauty of the character of Blackbeard, because on the surface he seems or appears to be a rational man, [is that] the more you get to know him, he’s a stone cold killer and without an ounce of heart, not a thing in him. He would screw over anyone and everyone to get to his objective. That’s one of the things that makes him so dangerous. But also Blackbeard was the fiercest of them all. He was the guy who would stop at nothing and was totally unpredictable, and I don’t think there was a better choice to play him than Ian McShane. You also get a new leading lady in part four. Tell us about Penelope Cruz’s character. Penelope plays Angelica, who is someone that Jack had contact with in the years past, and it doesn’t feel like it ended up that well. It may have ended on a sour note. Turns out that she is the daughter of Blackbeard, and he has accepted her into the fold and she is the love of his life; so when Jack is called to Blackbeard’s world, it makes it just that much harder and that much more difficult to get through because she has another agenda. If you want to check out all of the swashbuckling action and adventure of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, you can do that tonight! The film is open nationwide and is rated PG-13.
Jon Sullivan - www.movietobo.com
The first of two Marvel Studios movies to come out this summer, Thor, stars Chris Hemsworth as the title character, an arrogant warrior from the planet of Asgard and one of the sons of Odin (Anthony Hopkins), the King. After going rogue with his band of merry men (and woman) and attacking a planet that Asgard had a treaty with, Odin strips him of his powers and banishes him to Earth for the rest of Time. Thanks to the love of a plucky physicist (Natalie Portman), Thor quickly (and I mean quickly) stops becoming arrogant and starts showing empathy for the first time in a long time. Meanwhile, on Asgard Odin falls into a deep sleep and Thor’s brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston) ascends the throne. Loki’s ideas aren’t as peaceful as his father’s when it comes to their enemies the Frost Giants… and to his own brother. Directed by noted Shakespeare addict Kenneth Branagh, Thor is essentially two movies in one: it’s a fantasy action movie (pertaining to the goings on at Asgard) and a coming-of-age comedy/romance (when it comes to the Earth portions). Unfortunately, the bulk of the movie takes place more in the latter than the former, and Thor becomes a hokey and cheesy superhero movie in the vein of the Fantastic Four movies from awhile back. The story plays up the whole “fish out of water” angle—for example when Thor requests a horse from the
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pet store and then smashes his coffee cup in order to get another. Such scenes are funny, but make Thor into a sort of campy movie rather than a superhero movie you can take seriously. Yet the biggest issue I had with Thor had nothing to do with the movie’s content, but rather how it was shot. There’s a certain camera shot called a “Dutch angle,” where essentially everything is filmed on a slant. Branagh not only uses it in Thor, he overuses until it’s distracting. You’ll be watching the movie when of all a sudden everything on the screen slants to the left or right and it’s jarring, not to mention cheap-looking since you wonder why they couldn’t buy a tripod with a working third leg. Thor is worth watching if you want something fluffy and cheesy and aren’t expecting The Dark Knight. The action in Asgard is entertaining and thrilling, and Hemsworth is perfect as the God of Thunder. But once the movie heads to Earth and joke follows joke, Thor loses its momentum and screeches to a halt. I wanted more Asgard fighting and less “Thor does something not Earth-like LOL.” Throw in the distracting overuse of a terrible and cheap-looking camera angle and Thor becomes a movie that will be quickly forgotten once Captain America and Green Lantern hit theaters. And as for the usual Marvel after-credits scene…skip it. It’s not worth waiting around for.
3. My Fix
4. But That’s Just Me
5. Invalid Litter Dept.
Relationship Of Command – At The Drive-In
6. Non-Zero Possibility
When writing a music article for a men’s magazine I was worried for about twenty seconds that I wouldn’t know who to write about. Yeah, it only took twenty seconds for Bombing Ibiza to come to mind: a loud group of rockers that dig naked chicks. So far I can’t see what is not to like. I first met these guys back in October at the increasingly popular 2826 Arnetic, on the corner of Main and Malcolm X in Deep Ellum. Since then I’ve seen them a few more times, become a fan through Facebook and been notified almost every weekend that they’re playing somewhere around town, usually Deep Ellum. And, as you might gather by what I’ve already said, their flyers tend to have scantily clad women on them. Bombing Ibiza hearkens back to the traditions of days when great Deep Ellum acts like Slow Roosevelt, Baboon and Doosu graced the circuit. Back then the hardcore scene in Dallas was one to be noticed and indulged in. The sheer commitment Bombing Ibiza bring to their bare-bones stage show is enough to pull you from the bar to the floor and finally to the lip of the stage even if you had showed up that night to see a different act. Front man Zach Burns always translates the energy and angst of the music behind him into a strange but irresistible party. Their guitar player, known as Bill the Animal, adds a
metal vibe to an otherwise punk feel and the breaks between songs are minimal as these guys make it obvious the spotlight is a byproduct of their music; the most important character in the act. This works with their Spartan aesthetic: not a lot of gimmicks or crazy clothes. One doesn’t get the feel that the four band members have discussions about what they might look like or what their audience would respond to, they’re there to rock and they do a damn good job of making sure the house does too. The really great news is that, though they don’t have an album yet, they’ve just released a single, a particularly good single that highlights all their strengths in all the right ways. Buzz-saw guitar tone, ferocious rhythm section and pissed off lyrics fill out the track titled “Men Without Names.” The copy on their website encourages fans, now that it’s on iTunes, to “download it, eat to it, shower to it, have sex to it.” This should be taken to heart. “Men Without Names” has all the elements of old Dallas hardcore and a melodic sensibility that is refreshingly rare in music of this genre today. Bombing Ibiza is on Facebook and reverbnation.com. Their next show is listed for May 21st at Pitcher’s Sports Bar & Pub in Arlington (www.myspace.com/pitchersbararlington). Check them out and, you heard them, download that single!
Relationship Of Command – At The Drive-In
7. Dirty Little Thing
Contraband – Velvet Revolver
8. Sucker Train Blues
Contraband – Velvet Revolver
9. Die, Die, Die My Darling
10. Last Caress
Static Age - Misfits
Lt. Gov. Bill Hobby plus lunch Hall of State at Fair Park – Dallas The Dallas Historical Society is having their annual meeting and the longest-serving Texas Lt. Gov. is speaking (now a professor at Rice). Join the Society and save twenty bucks.
Hunter Sullivan Dallas Arboretum ��� Dallas If you don’t know what Texas Swing is, it’s time to find out. Sullivan is one of DFW’s prime exemplars, heard at The Mansion. This time bring your own vittles and a blanket.
David Bezmozgis and Gary Shteyngart Dallas Museum of Art – Dallas The event of the year for readers. These are two of America’s best young authors, consecrated by The New Yorker. (Shteyngart is the famed author of Absurdistan.) Don’t miss this.
Il Trovatore by Giuseppe Verdi Bass Performance Hall – Fort Worth Go as a cowboy if you must (sans hat) but this is the show to see if you’ve ever been curious to know what opera is like. Great entertainment and a great hall to hear it in.
City Slickers Delaney Vinyards and Winery – Grapevine Presented by the Colleyville COC and starting at 5pm there are many booths, wines and other libations, as well as musical entertainment at this yearly festival. Great fun.
MUSIC: BOMBING IBIZA 1. Men Without Names
Xavier Rudd Granada Theater – Dallas “A matchless mixture of reggae, funk, blues, folk, and nearly every other sort of song with the ability to stimulate people’s spirits.” All this and a newly hatched dark side. Wow.
by Hannah Allen
Pico Iyer Dallas Museum of Art – Dallas Iyer is one of the world’s great travel writers. Gary Shteyngart and Pico Iyer in the same week? The best writers in the world are flocking to Dallas? So it would seem. If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at firstname.lastname@example.org
by Geoff Case
Thunder in West Finals The veteran-filled Mavericks roster, which has been resting for the last week after an unthinkable sweep of the two-time defending champion Los Angeles Lakers, entered the postseason with almost three times as much playoff experience as the Thunder. In a recent press conference Thunder coach Scott Brooks mentioned he was teammates with Jason Kidd back in 1994. That also happens to be the same year Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant were still in kindergarten. The Thunder believe that experience won’t be as big of a deal as everybody is making it out to be. “The age is kind of out the window right now,” Thunder point guard Russell Westbrook said. “Now I think we’ve grown up together. We’re getting better. As long as we stay humble and stay together and continue to work, I think this team is going to make that next jump.” The experience factor will be one of the biggest advantages the Mavericks will have outside of #41. The Thunder have been able to overcome mistakes this postseason and not have it cost them too dearly, but that won’t be the case against the Mavs, who capitalize on turnovers with Jason Kidd running the point. The Thunder will have to clean up the mistakes to advance past the Mavs. They have all the athleticism and talent you could ask for but mentally they will allow teams to beat them with costly turnovers and poor shot selection. The series against the Grizzlies proved they still have got some work to do in that department. “We’re a mature group,” Durant said. “We never try to let the pressure get to us. One thing we did coming into this game is stick to playing our game. Stick to the things that got us here, and whatever happens, happens.” These Western Conference finals between the Mavericks and the Thunder will match the franchise whose contending days appeared over versus the franchise who arrived at this stage a year or two early. Unlike their first two series with the Denver Nuggets and Grizzlies, the Thunder won’t be favored, but they also shouldn’t be dismissed. They have all the tools and talent to beat the Mavericks but whether or not they can rise to the maturity level to beat the wily veterans holding on to title hopes in the twilight of their careers will define this series.
“That’s what you play the game for, to be a champion,” Jason Kidd said. “It’s a hard climb and you’re never promised to get there. If you do, you’ve got to treasure it and do everything you can to win.” Match-ups/Mismatches The Thunder really don’t have anyone on the roster who can match up with Dirk Nowitzki, so he should have another big series. The Mavericks have Shawn Marion to give Durant some cause for concern. He might match up better against Durant than anyone in the league defensively. The match-up that will be really interesting to watch is how the Mavericks guards will contain Russell Westbrook. The Mavs don’t have anyone who can stay in front of Westbrook, but Kidd’s basketball IQ might be able to cause Westbrook to turn the ball over. Also, the Thunder’s offense goes extremely stagnant when Westbrook dominates the ball and he can be baited into taking bad shots. Kidd and the Mavericks will try to use this to their advantage. In a seven-game series the Mavericks should be able to win all these match-ups, especially after being able to rest for an entire week. However, if the Thunder can eliminate bonehead turnovers they would have a really good chance at advancing. That is why experience will play such a huge role and ultimately decide who advances to the NBA Finals.
7 by Raymond Bloomquist
“Arena Football Fanatic”
On Pace With Derrick Ross
For most rookies in any professional sport, the best accolade one may achieve is the coveted title of “Rookie of the Year.” And there is certainly nothing wrong with that, but that is just usually how it all works out. Sure – maybe some rookie records may, and I use the word “may” loosely, be broken in addition, but that seldom happens, right? Well – meet Dallas Vigilante Fullback Derrick Ross. A former running back of the National Football League’s Kansas City Chiefs in 2006, Ross has now found his way to the Arena Football League, where the AFL rookie is having a field day, and the season is only half-way done. In nine games, Ross has 88 carries for 332 yards and 20 touchdowns. The AFL’s 2011 leading rusher has already broke four Vigilante single-season rushing records (rushing yards, rushing touchdowns, rushing attempts, and rushing long) and is currently on a streak of scoring at least one rushing touchdown per game. If he continues his current pace, Ross will shatter the following League rushing records:
back may be a key factor in this match-up, further proving he just might be an exception to the rule. Vigilantes Shocked Turnovers and mental mistakes seemed to be the Dallas Vigilantes’ (6-3) Achilles heel in their bout last weekend at Spokane Veterans Memorial Arena, as the Spokane Shock (45) ended Dallas’ four-game win streak with a 71-49 victory. Vigilante quarterback Dan Raudabaugh went 15 of 22 for 162 yards and four touchdowns, but a costly fumble by Raudabaugh seemed to be the catalyst for an onslaught of Spokane points.
Most Rushing Yards Rookie Season: Major Harris, 1991 Columbus – 424 Most Rushing Touchdowns Rookie Season: Bernard Hall, St. Louis – 26 Next up for Ross and his Vigilante teammates is a May 22 road date with the Chicago Rush. The two are currently tied for first place in the Central Division at 6-3, so there is no doubt that both teams know how important this game will be. The Rush come into Sunday’s matinee (scheduled for a 4 p.m. kickoff) with the League’s 14th ranked rushing defense, so the rookie Vigilante full-
Thur. May 19 – 8:00PM – American Airlines Center – ESPN
This will be Game Two of the series. The young Thunder outlasted the Grizzlies to take on the Mavericks in the Western Conference Finals. The Dallas crowd will need to be in full force to give the wellrested Mavericks home court advantage. Can the Mavs’ postseason experience give them the upper hand in the series? We’ll see.
MLB: Rangers vs. Phillies
Fri. May 20 – 6:05PM – Citizens Bank Park – TXA21
Finally! Interleague baseball has arrived. The Rangers will take on their old nemesis when Roy Halladay takes the mound. He’s had a bit of a rough outing lately losing a pair of onerun games. The Rangers will send C.J. Wilson to the mound. This is sure to be a pitcher’s duel and a close game.
MLB: Cubs vs. Red Sox
Sun. May 22 – 7:00PM – Fenway Park – ESPN
Most Rushing Attempts Rookie Season: Bernard Hall, 1996 St. Louis – 101 Most Rushing Yards Season: Michael Bishop, 2005 Grand Rapids – 459
NBA: Thunder vs. Mavericks
“Spokane played a great game; there’s no question about that,” Vigilante head coach Clint Dolezel said. “But we definitely could have and should have been there, stridefor-stride, with them. We didn’t execute on some protections, and we didn’t make plays when we had the chance to in the secondary. We just didn’t play well tonight. We went on the road and laid an egg.” Vigilante offensive lineman Tony Washington said, “We gave their defensive line everything tonight. We just weren’t focused. I will give Khreem credit; he had a good game. But when this line comes ready to play, we can block anybody in this league. That’s why we’re so frustrated right now.”
Two historic franchises clash on prime time. Last century these two teams were the lovable losers of baseball. The Red Sox have won a pair of World Series titles this century and the Cubs have retained their old title. Cub pitcher Matt Garza is familiar with Fenway since he was with the Rays. Enjoy the Green Monster and have an Old Style!
NBA: Bulls vs. Heat
Sun. May 22 – 7:30PM – American Airlines Arena – TNT
The Bulls took Game One of the series and the first half was pretty tight. The second half was a different story as the Bulls defense stifled the Heat offense. LeBron and Wade couldn’t get anything going. For the Heat, only Chris Bosh had a really good game. Rose looked like an MVP. With the series taking its talents to South Beach for Game Three the Heat will have to protect their home court.
by Mark Miller
“The Dallasite from the North”
Reason for some hope Hard as it is to believe, the Texas Rangers completed the first quarter of their season Sunday and despite enough challenges for an entire campaign, found themselves just one-half game out of the American League Western Division lead. They helped determine that better-than-expected fate by winning two of three games last weekend against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. It was the Rangers’ first series win in three weeks after their 5-4 victory Sunday which featured a starting outfield of David Murphy in left, Craig Gentry in center and Endy Chavez in right. Yes, that’s a complete turnover from opening day, the first time that’s happened in the major leagues before May 15 in 10 years. But there’s hope on the horizon as right-fielder Nelson Cruz should return this weekend and leftfielder Josh Hamilton is getting closer to coming back. “A lot of the credit goes to the guys for taking the challenge,” said Rangers Manager Ron Washington after Sunday’s game gave his team a 21-19 record. “They haven’t stopped playing. They haven’t stopped pulling for each other. They just need some breaks. “We haven’t shown our best out there yet. For the most part our starting pitchers have kept us in there most of the time but we’ve had some problems later in games.” Once Cruz and Hamilton return, their potential run production should provide more cushion for the later innings. And when center-fielder Julio Borbon, who went on the disabled list Saturday with left hamstring inflammation, hopefully returns by Memorial Day, the extra speed should help both offensively and defensively. Borbon’s injury and the callup of Chavez from Class AAA Round Rock meant Washington had used his 34th player before the 40th game. The team had 11 players on the disabled list as of Sunday, including seven pitchers. One of those throwers who may be close to returning is right-hander Scott Feldman, who gave up only two hits and one run in five innings last Saturday at Frisco. Cruz is expected to play in all four Roughrider home games this week and
Hamilton may join him if he gets good news on a CT scan on Wednesday. So despite everything the team has gone through, it could be much worse and figures to get much better fast.
Upcoming Schedule: The 5/18 @Royals 7:10 p.m. Phillies 5/19 @Royals 7:10 p.m. loom 5/20 @Phillies 6:05 p.m. ahead The Rangers 5/21 @Phillies 6:10 p.m. move from 5/22 @Phillies 12:35 p.m. Chicago to 5/23 White Sox 7:05 p.m. Kansas City 5/24 White Sox 7:05 p.m. on Wednesday for two games against the Royals. Kansas City wants to avenge a sweep in Texas on Easter weekend, the last series the Rangers won before taming the Angels. Following the Royals comes a big test against the Philadelphia Phillies, owners of the best record in the major leagues until losing Sunday at Atlanta. Their 2514 record can be partially attributed to an offense featuring first baseman Ryan Howard, the major league runs-batted-in leader with 35, and third baseman Placido Polanco with a .340 batting average. But the Phillies feature arguably the best starting rotation in baseball led by Roy Halliday, Roy Oswalt and a guy named Cliff Lee who helped lead the Rangers to the 2010 World Series. “We’ve been facing the best in the American League and we’re still in there, so bring it on,” Washington said of the Phillies. “We’re not afraid of Cliff Lee, in fact we’ve beaten Cliff Lee in the past (when he was with Cleveland and Seattle).” After the Phillies, the Rangers return home for three games against the White Sox, whom they will know well following two games this week in Chicago.
9 by Hannah Allen by Sam Chase
For a short period in Bordeaux I routinely enjoyed pieces of chicken slow-roasted daily over a coffee can by fellow clochards. Because I have always been friendly to social outcasts I have experienced life in a number of places looking simultaneously from the outside in and inside out. However, when I was able to snag jobs that left something over each month after I’d paid for the necessities of life, I became picky about the food I would consume. Never again did I move through the conga line at the St. Anthony Dining Room of San Francisco. Nor did I avail myself of the kindness of strangers in foreign countries—others who had reached rock bottom. In fact I tried hard not to see them… when I was hungry. True, I did spend quite a bit on books in places like France and Spain where a high value was placed upon them. No doubt my survival as a street musician was a little harder than it should have been because of my taste for good books and good food. Back in the 70s and 80s Spain had plenty of places for hungry artists to eat for next to nothing, but not France. As we all know the French take their meals seriously… And I became quite French in that respect as well. By the time I returned to the U.S. more or less permanently my head was crammed with stored memories of great meals. The mediocre fare that was good enough for most Americans was no longer good enough for me and I lacked the social grace to pretend that it was. Hamburgers were the immediate and longstanding recipient of
my scorn… Until a waiter friend of mine fixed me up with Jane, a Polish woman who worked with him out at the (S.F.) Airport Hilton. Who liked burgers. Who suggested “The Hippo” as a great place to
conclude our first date. And… This woman was amazing, and so was the menu that night, offering a Roasted Male Chauvinist Pig served by a Streaker (for well over a hundred bucks) and other exotica. My burger with bacon strips and blue cheese served on a crusty sourdough roll was just delicious. So was the waitress and we stayed together for two years after our Hippo hookup. But that was our last burger. Some years before meeting Jane I’d run a low-rent restaurant only a couple of blocks from the corner where The Hippo was located (Van Ness and Pacific). My raffish clientele had been importuning me for months to offer hamburgers on the menu instead of unpronounceable cheeses and lamb dishes and nuanced casseroles, many of which contained crab— for the simple reason that I could
then enjoy eating up anything that didn’t sell. Receipts dwindled and I found myself forced to eject bar customers who’d brought in burgers under their coats. So far, no one I couldn’t physically intimidate, but what if that monster they called “Bear” decided to eat burgers in my restaurant? My waiters were all cowards who would have been afraid to help me drag this Goliath out onto the street even if I’d been good enough to render him unconscious first with an iron pipe. My meat supplier agreed to bring me aged prime beef… to be ground into hamburger. After which I rolled it out until I had a mother patty that was roughly three feet by nine (my counters were huge cuttingboards). Then I evenly spiced this stuff and painted on my marinade. I separated generous patties with wax paper and filled up a reach-in reefer with the delicacy. When I sent out my first orders the next day in sourdough rolls I was inundated with complaints. The meat looked okay but all my burgers had been cooked rare and no one liked them that way. That was the last straw. It wasn’t enough to offer the best burger in the universe to these yahoos, all the taste had to be cooked out of it. I forget what happened to my leftover burgers. Bitter as the memory must have been, that burger at The Hippo with that pretty Polish waitress was trying to tell me something. Breakups are complex… Still, I’m quite sure ours would never have happened if we’d shared a taste for ground beef…let’s say, medium-rare.
For those of us living in the White Rock area: we have cause to celebrate! Our choices used to be Keller’s or the other Keller’s but a new burger joint has come smokin’ down good old Garland Road. It’s called Flaming Burger and it’s selling more or less the greatest thing you’ll ever eat. True burger fans need to consider making a trip to Flaming Burger a top priority. Mind you, this cuisine is not for the faint of heart. Burgers are piled high with extra patties, extra bacon, huge chunks of tomato, onion and jalapeños on everything. Well, everything except the chiliburger, which has a distinct BBQ quality. Not one to normally enjoy spicy food this experience is slowly changing my life for the fiery better. The Mushroom Jalapeño Burger is my new guilty pleasure, knocking American Idol or Cool Whip to a far second. Marko’s Special is a favorite for every man I know who has gone: double meat, jack cheese, bacon, hot mustard, mayo, ketchup, lettuce, tomato, pickles and a generous helping of jalapeños for $5.89. So worth it. In the last month, however, the company has had huge setbacks after a series of week-long shutdowns due to copper theft in an adjacent building. Thieves cut the main power line directly at the meter, which Flaming Burger shares; and the result has been headaches, repairs, and an entire inventory of food that had to be thrown out—twice. This fledgling burger house has serious potential, though, and is well worth your six bucks. The only thing lacking is the overall aesthetic of the place: some Texas-themed photos and pseudomurals on yellow walls. If I were a visual artist I’d bust out the “Will work for Food” sign and head over toward Garland Road asap. Flaming Burger is located at 11255 Garland Rd. #101 in Dallas. While they do have a Facebook page they kick it old school and resist the urge to have a bonafide web page. You’ll just have to stop by and try the food! You won’t be sorry you did!
13 Out and about in DFW with Hannah Allen
Married on a Thursday
bout five years ago I was planning a wedding. It was my worst nightmare realized. It was all wrong from the start; an outdoor wedding in July in Texas. The idea of spending close to $1000 on a dress I’d only wear once made my head spin. No good. The journey had begun twenty years prior in nursery school at the church our parents attended. As a two-year-old in a polka-dot dress I toddled over to my future husband, Paul, and offered him part of my Fig Newton. I later realized that if I would have cooked him a chicken-fried steak when we first started seeing each other I could have saved both of us lots of time. Instead it was a copy of Led Zeppelin II, a CD I’d never returned after our high school break-up, a peace offering that mended a six-year standoff and began the hottest summer of my young life. After many sleepovers, $1 draft dates, the most amazing Mars Volta concert and a cross-country road trip he confessed his undying love on a moonlit Virginia Beach. That was pretty much the extent of our conventional romantic moments. He proposed in a crowded baggage claim at DFW Airport with my mother’s engagement ring.
momentum of our life together. The nice thing about being married to a musician, aside from a guaranteed spot on the list at every show he’ll ever play, are the days at home when he pulls out his blonde Breedlove acoustic and gets lost in a song he’s writing. Before we had kids there was an endless stream of local musicians and the women who loved them in and out of our tiny apartment. Subsequently the soundtrack to my life was pretty literal for a while. For our first anniversary I surprised him with tickets to see TOOL in Fort Worth. The only tickets I could get at the last minute were all the way at the tippy-top of the Fort Worth Coliseum. At seven months pregnant with our first son it was quite a climb. My favorite New Year’s party was working a circus at the Dallas Children’s Theater. All the things you’ve heard about circus people, incidentally, are true. There was much ogling by the stagehands of all the underage girls running around in skintight costumes and every corridor in the place smelled like Chanel No. 5 and red wine. I toasted the year that would actually prove our most difficult with cheap champagne. The following New Year’s found us
We were picking up a friend of mine who was ultimately upset that the thunder of her arrival had been stolen. I had the flu. Hopped up on a mixture of Dayquil and Norcos I said “yes,” since I’d already decided we were better together than we were apart. When his truck broke down on I40 we were engaged and trying to save money living on opposite ends of the Metroplex with our very traditional parents, counting down the two-and-a-half months till the wedding date. How would he get to work across town without a car? My mother suggested we take the money she was spending on the wedding and drop it on a place together, provided we tie the knot first. We got married on a Thursday at Huffines Park after a BBQ with our family, a few friends, several acoustic guitars and lots of bare feet. We went to work the next morning hungover but happy about the sudden forward
in a newly rented house, stripping and refinishing wood floors in lieu of a deposit. The heater was broken and our marriage was about to be. Sitting in that cold house after working beside him for hours I thought about the momentum we could regain in that space. Agreeing again we were better together than apart we painted the walls green and got back on our feet. Six months later we both forgot our fourth anniversary in the midst of a move to a much larger house. We laughed about it because things were getting better. It seems things always get better where we are concerned. Today we’ll celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary. Of course we had a romantic trip to Austin planned but other things came up. Contrived romance has never been our style though, so we’ll see where the current takes us.
by Jack E. Jett
story and photos by David Goodspeed “A heavy foot and high opinion”
A little over a year ago I had written how impressed I was with the new Chevy Camaro RS and its new V-6 with a six-speed manual gearbox. Fast forward and GM sends a V-8-laden SS model of almost the exact same color scheme and, well, perhaps my expectations were a bit too high for their “beast.” Were I only judging styling, the new Camaro still wins out. Slip behind the wheel and my concerns quickly repeat those of my auto press brethren: limited sightlines, funky steering wheel and a mismatched dash panel. First, though, let’s explore the heart of this beauty. For the SS model with manual transmission, Chevrolet gives the Camaro the 426hp 6.2-liter LS3 motor. Automatic cars with a V-8 get the lesser-powered L99 6.2-liter engine (400 ponies). Ford, if you remember from several weeks back, hits smack in the middle of this with one engine for either manual or automatic GT Mustang. I wish Chevy would follow Ford’s lead and give the Camaro a new set of rear gears when ordering the manual tranny as the car needs a bit more wind-up at the bottom of each new gear selection. To be fair, the Camaro SS does feature a sportier suspension setup along with limited-
slip rear differential and Chevy does give its Stabilitrak system a competition mode similar to that in the Corvette for those wishing to step on it a bit. And should you eventually wear out the rear tires faster than the front ones, forget about rotating them. Chevy uses a one-inch wider wheel under the rear than in front. Great for looks and grip but… I really like the instrument panel and center floor console gauges in the Camaro but the center dash that houses the entertainment system appears a bit out of place – not as bad as filling your period 19th century farmhouse with Ikea furniture but getting there. Driving the SS Camaro still offers the opportunity for fun, although not quite as much fun for me as in the Pony GT. And trying to perform a transaction at the bank drive-thru? Forget about it. Headache-city (and I have the lumps to prove it). I appreciated the rearview camera in the Mustang and would like to see the Camaro incorporate it somehow, given its bad blind spots. Chevy does boast ultrasonic park assist, though. The exhaust pitch in the SS Camaro is lower than that of the Mustang (think pure
bass versus baritone). I equate this grunt to that in the Dodge Challenger R/T we last tested (surprisingly in the SAME color). Pricing for the 2011 Chevrolet Camaro SS begins at $34,295 with our 2SS loaded tester coming in at $37,640. Fuel economy is rated at 16 mpg city and 24 mpg highway and yes, this Chevy with the manual gearbox still has the annoying 1-to-4-shift mode for EPA ratings. Yuck. The vehicle is loaded and looks amazing. Some are not quite ready for the Inferno Orange but it grows on you. And the Boston Acoustics audio system rocks. I love being able to make the stereo compete with the exhaust in a “crank-it-up” contest.
Headhunter Dear BLITZbudsman: I get it that a lot
of guys write to you about a problem with their jobs which is really a problem with women. I’ve had nothing but success with women and have had to fight them off. That’s okay, I like women. Still, trying to hold on to me they can be annoying. I’m writing because of a problem with my boss, a man I’ll call Bill. He likes to be called a CEO but we’re a small company of headhunters. When Bill interviewed me everything went fine until he leaned over his desk and said, “I’ll bet you have a lot of success with women.” When I told him it was true he leaned back in his chair and opened up. “Well, I don’t,” he said. “I’ve read everything there is to know about charming the pants off women. On dates I don’t talk about myself all the time. And the next time I call them
they act as if they got a disease from me.” Then he shocked me. Would it be possible for me to fix him up with a woman I had found attractive once? His exact words were, “with one of your rejects?” That was a little strong, I told him. I didn’t qualify women to be my partner the way I would qualify a client. But after he hired me I had a long talk with Brenda, my partner. We decided to fix him up with a woman I’d known named Sally—a golddigger who wouldn’t give up easily. Then Brenda had a better idea. “We’ll go on a double-date and you take Sally. You and Sally will have to pretend you’re madly in love. That will bid up her importance in his eyes. He’ll take Sally away from you and you stand to benefit from his guilt for doing so.” “But you’ll have to sleep with this guy.
I’m not okay with that.” We left it there but she knew how important my job was. I got in touch with Sally and of course she was available. Her rationale for promiscuity had always been the same: “I’m not chargin’ them!” To make a long story short—Brenda fell for Bill. So did Sally, but she was so convinced by the acting job that we were pulling off, she decided to give up Tom, Dick and Harry and all the others and have a monogamous relationship with me. So we all lived happily ever after, right? Not quite. Brenda told me on the street when I ran into her that it was over with Bill; Bill had already told me at the office. Along the way he’d mentioned that he was envious of my longterm relationship with Sally, especially since he’d learned from a number of sources that I’d “reformed” her. I seriously considered punching his lights out then because this was a sore point with me. But I have been given a promotion and am making more money than ever before. Bill has a reputation as a “mindf**ker.” An ugly thing to say of someone, but I’ve heard it more than once. My problem is obvious. Brenda wants to get back with me and thinks that will be just the ticket to revive Bill’s interest in her, which it turns out she is very sorry to have lost. I couldn’t bear to lose Sally again to Bill or any Tom, Dick and Harry waiting in the wings. Any suggestions? —Mindf**ked once too often
Dear Mindf**ked: Your ability to think well of yourself is positively Canadian. Clearly you care more about your precious job than you care for the women in your life. Deserving as you may have been to have been taken down a notch by Bill, who no doubt saw through you right away, no one deserves to be mindf**ked simultaneously by his employer and both of his loveinterests. You are a very sad sack of sh!t, and your job as a headhunter cannot be saved. However, a mindset such as yours is perfect for the position of gigolo. Get a vasectomy and go for it. Write to the BLITZbudsman at email@example.com
by Jesse Whitman
“A Woman’s Perspective”
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her. Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A: A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead. Q: How do you get a fat woman into bed? A: Piece of cake! Popping Dents A blond was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blond, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blond went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blond roommate saw her and asked, “What are you doing?” The first blond told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, “Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first...”
1. Challenged 6. Alternatively 10. Sheet of glass 14. Betel palm 15. Sixty-four in Roman numerals 16. Backside 17. 10 in a decade 18. Wheel shaft 19. Goddess of discord (Greek mythology) 20. Greeting 22. Decree 23. Beer 24. Flannel 26. Distort 30. Put off 32. Prize 33. A young woman 37. Cousin of a gull 38. A white gem 39. Ale or lager 40. A burrowing animal with bony armor 42. Informal language 43. Choral work 44. A poor densely populated city district
45. A bird sound 47. Crag 48. Tibia 49. Resolve 56. The period preceeding Easter 57. Person, place or thing 58. Legitimate 59. Killer whale 60. Cypher 61. Habituate 62. Rind 63. Cupid, to the Greeks 64. Tart citrus fruit
1. Not nights 2. Region 3. Not fake 4. Almond 5. A despicable coward 6. Cheer up 7. Seventy-one in Roman numerals 8. Fodder holder 9. Important 10. More desirable than another 11. Eagle’s nest 12. Water nymph (Greek mythology)
13. At one time (archaic) 21. Donation 25. Moist 26. Information 27. Pitcher 28. Agricultural enterprise 29. Decorative 30. Gave out 31. A river in Spain 33. Expunge 34. Tidy 35. Canvas dwelling 36. Therefore 38. Small amount 41. Female deer 42. Wither 44. Deity 45. Not here 46. Flinch 47. Melodies 48. Swill 50. A swinging barrier to a room 51. A martial art 52. Walking stick 53. Astringent 54. Novice 55. Biblical garden
18 by Jeff Putnam
IN-N-OUT BURGER OPENINGS IN NORTH TEXAS
An article in dallasnews.com (from The Dallas Morning News) has caught our eye, and not just because our current issue is about burgers. Our “burger issue” is a yearly offering and was not planned to coincide with this cultural milestone—the simultaneous opening in a couple of North Texas cities of California’s In-N-Out Burger chain. I have a brother, Kit, who lives in Central California—a retired ballplayer who last played for the Visalia Oaks of the N.Y. Mets organization with a player-coachtrainer contract. I have watched Kit and his ballplayer friends consume In-N-Out burgers for quite some time now, driving some distance to get them. This burger is a passion with some people. No, I don’t understand it. In my family I’m considered something of a food snob for a variety of reasons, but mostly because of an interest in French, Spanish and Italian food gained during rather lengthy residence in or near those countries. In addition my grown daughter and only granddaughter operate a restaurant together in the historic district of Antwerp (Belgium)—Farine’s. (Their website: farinesfood.com. My granddaughter Alex was trained in a Belgian culinary institute yet she recently put The Texas Burger on the menu, which became an overnight hit. Check out the picture and visit them when you’re feeling nostalgic in Belgium.) The dallasnews.com article was very well-researched. Those first in line at In-NOut openings in Frisco and Allen were interviewed. It was rumored that one of those first in line was the proprietor of several pizza franchises. This is probably good enough for our Weird News department… Along with the fact that some of these people were willing to camp out for hours or days for the privilege of being the first Texas customer at a certain location. Thanks to some digging in the archive a certain Emily Fox informs us that this is far from the first example of openings in Texas drawing long lines of people or customers enthusiastic enough to drive great distances. Cited are Nordstrom, Krispy Kreme, Steak ’n Shake, Krystal, Ikea, H&M and Trader Joe’s. (The last named is about to open in
North Texas, we’re told, to which I say: hooray! The best news in ages!) I don’t think there’s much of culinary note to exclaim over in the In-N-Out opening, though I find it commendable that this company eschews the use of freezers and microwaves. The only way something like this works in a restaurant is when there is a huge turnover of all ingredients. It’s quite a daring concept in a bottom-line-oriented, fast-food environment. The article was fun; the people in line were probably a bit silly, but overall, hasn’t America always been a place where people are enthusiastic about products, about what they’re able to buy in a little town far from home, or products from countries far away—discovered on a vacation, perhaps— that they’re able to find at home in Arkansas or wherever? Furthermore, how can there be camaraderie without rivalry and difference of opinion? Without preferences of this over that and enthusiastic endorsements, we’d all be a bunch of fearful people going along in lockstep with only our dreams to distinguish us. This is why I found the ten pages of comments following the article so disturbing. Most readers were reacting to the stupidity of standing in line for a burger or disparaging the California origin of many of these patrons. Some went so far as to suggest that these people should go back to California—an unpleasant variant on the “love it or leave it” mantra that was once popular among certain sh!theads from an earlier era. Attention sh!t-for-brains everywhere: the reason some of us love living in America, and the Metroplex in particular, is precisely because so many kinds of foods are available here—ethnic foods, mom-andpop restaurants—and because of the many people from other countries who are trying to interest us in food or lifestyles that they left behind and still value. Furthermore, as I’ve been told by all my European and Canadian friends, the cost of these offerings, whether food or apparel, hi-tech equipment or you name it—is astoundingly less in this country than anywhere else. So if you’ll stop huffing and puffing about how patriotic it is to like what YOU like you might discover new things to like and new reasons to like living here.