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VOL. 3 - ISSUE 24

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Conn. man asks cops about growing pot, is arrested BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile/Movie Review 4 Music: Smith Westerns 5 Stars/Mavs News 6-7 NASCAR Is BACK! 8 COVER STORY: Guide To Thai Cuisine Thai Food Addict 9 Our Favorite Thai Restaurants 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Amie 12 Exclusive On The Exclusives 13 Texans Should Be The Best 14 Blitz Toys 15 Can This Job Be Saved? 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: Pedestrians, Awake! 18 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jeff Putnam CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER Cover Photography: Athena Emily Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Darryl Briggs, Gregg Case, Nathaniel Chadwick, Steven Hendrix, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors, Matt Pearce, Ed Westerman CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Athena Emily, Achim Hering, John R. Rogers, Ron Wilson, Aurelien, Brokensphere, Presse03 Selbst Erstellt STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Sam Chase, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Frank LaCosta, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak and Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Adam Bruster, Bronte Erwin, Angela Faulkner, Dennis Hambright, Andrew J. Hewett, Jack L. Pier, Jeremy Shorr CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK “I was in Thailand playing ping-pong in Ding-Dang. A high stakes game in some opium den.” – Barry Badrinath

Police say a Connecticut man called 911 to ask a dispatcher how much trouble he could get into by growing one marijuana plant, then was arrested. Farmington police say a dispatcher told 21-year-old Robert Michelson on Thursday night that he could get arrested for growing pot, and Michelson said thank you and hung up. Officers went to Michelson’s house and seized a small amount of marijuana and drug paraphernalia. Michelson has admitted he bought seeds and equipment for growing. Michelson was released on $5,000 bail after being charged with marijuana possession and other crimes. A woman who answered the phone at his home Friday said he wasn’t available for comment.

Andrew J. Hewett

www.chewednews.com

YES! HURRAH! HURRAH!

Feb. 2011: The first website nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize is WikiLeaks. Nominator Snorre Valen, member of Norway’s Socialist Left Party, said its disclosures of classified documents could promote world peace by holding governments accountable for their actions. (Could it also be the most profound link to truth since society socialized enough to accept government?)

POOR POSTAL PUPPY

39-cent-a-gallon gas prompts call to authorities

Authorities say they had to block vehicles from entering a gas station near Santa Rosa after a computer problem had gas there on sale for 39 cents a gallon. Sonoma County sheriff’s deputies and the California Highway Patrol responded to a traffic jam at the 76 station in Roseland around 8 p.m. Thursday. Sheriff‘s Sgt. Kevin Scanlon described the scene as a “blockade” as drivers tried to get in on the cheap gas. Gas in Santa Rosa is averaging about $3.36 a gallon. Scanlon told The Press Democrat of Santa Rosa the station planned to close for the night, so the computer problem could be fixed. A station employee declined to comment on how much gas was sold at the 39-cent price.

Hole-in-the-floor ashtray apparently leads to fire

An official in Portland, Ore., says a house fire that caused $30,000 in damage was apparently started by tenants who were using a hole in the floor as an ashtray. In the words of Portland Fire & Rescue spokesman Paul Corah, “That’s not careless smoking, that’s stupid smoking.” He says the caller who reported the fire Wednesday also hung up on the 911 dispatcher, then refused to talk when the dispatcher tried to call back for more details. No one was injured.

According to a Dallas Morning News wire report Jan. 25, 2011, Stacy Champion, 39, was arrested after mailing a package at a Minneapolis post office. Moments after she’d left, a worker became suspicious when the taped box suddenly moved by itself and fell from the counter. Broken open, it revealed a 4-month-old puppy, with no water, no food. Knowing the helpless animal’s trip to Atlanta would take at least two days, a policeman said, “The puppy was supposed to have been a birthday gift, but it would have been kind of traumatizing to get a dead puppy.”

DRIVE-THRU-DEATH

Diana Durre, of Chambers, Nebraska, died after a 75-foot (23 m) tall Taco Bell sign fell on top of the truck cab she was in. Strong winds caused the pole to break at a welded joint about 15 feet (4.5 m) above the ground.


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HOLLYWOOD PROFILE with Liam Neeson

by Vivian Fullerlove

Liam Neeson has become quite the action hero. The surprising part is that he didn’t really start landing these high-adrenaline, over-the-top action roles until after his 50th birthday. This week his new action-thriller drama Unknown opens nationwide. Neeson plays Dr. Martin Harris, who awakens after a car accident in Berlin to discover that his wife, played by Mad Men’s January Jones, suddenly doesn’t recognize him and another man has assumed his identity. Ignored by disbelieving authorities and hunted by assassins, he finds himself alone, tired, and on the run. On his own in a strange country, Martin seeks aid from an unlikely and reluctant source as he plunges headlong into a deadly mystery that will force him to question his sanity, his identity, and just how far he’s willing to go to uncover the truth. I sat down with Neeson to discuss the film and his all-star lineup of co-stars. I heard this movie described as Taken meets The Bourne Identity. Not only does Unknown contain a lot of action, but there’s also a psychological element to it. There was a big psychological element to the story involving identity, unknown identity, loss of memory, trauma, head trauma and out of that comes semblances of truth for an audience. You think something’s true and in actual fact it may not be true. The director kept all of that in a very delicate balance; so, you’re always guessing what’s real and what’s not. Tell me a little about your character. He’s a botanist, but he’s in Berlin for a function, a seminar [and] he gets involved in an accident and wakes up at a hospital. He believes he is this character Martin Harris.

“Entertainment’s Real Critic”

He then discovers that someone has taken his place, another Martin Harris, and he is convinced that he is the real Martin Harris. The “impostor” in the film is played by Aidan Quinn who is actually one of your best friends. What was it like working with such a good friend and having him be your antagonist in the film? We had various physical fights to do that were quite trying, and we had quite a bit of training. It was quite an extensive fight scene we had, but there’s nothing better than doing it with a best friend because you actually can have a giggle. [You can be] serious, but have a little chuckle at two guys in their 50s fighting and pretending to be 30-year-olds. January Jones plays your wife and Diane Kruger, an unlikely ally. How was it working with the two of them? I was flanked on either side by two very beautiful actresses. We had a great experience that I loved. A lot of my stuff was with Diane. In fact, she saves my character’s life at one stage. She’s a terrific girl. She’s ready for anything and gung ho. [She was] able and willing and gave 100 percent. January was the same, too, but I just had a lot more stuff to do with Diane, running around Berlin freezing our asses off. You can check out Liam in Unknown this weekend at a theatre near you. The film is Rated PG-13 for some intense sequences of violence and action, and brief sexual content.

by A. Faulkner

SOMEWHERE a film by Sofia Coppola

There are moments in life that stand alone in spite of being mundane or exuding normalcy— so much so that they nearly seem surreal. Call them movie moments. Sofia Coppola’s Somewhere is a film that encapsulates many such moments. The film won the prestigious Golden Lion award at the 2010 Venice Film Festival, and rightfully so. Somewhere follows the fascinating and strange life of bad-boy actor Johnny Marco, played fittingly by Stephen Dorff, spinning the wheels haphazardly on his Ferrari and in life during what initially appears to be his personal demise due to the lost boy mentality of his B+ celebrity status and somewhat privileged and self-centered existence. Salvation comes in the surprise extended stay of his daughter, dropped off by Johnny’s ex-wife. In this way Somewhere wakes up the empty shell of a real Nowhere Man, largely in part because of the blossoming yet fragile relationship between Johnny and Cleo, this young daughter, brought to life by a mesmerizing Elle Fanning (Dakota’s younger sister and a veteran in her own right at the age of 12). Scenes unfold between the two like the romantically longing lyrics from Neil Young’s “Helpless”—“There is a place in north Ontario…In my mind I still need a place to go, all my changes were there.” But this place isn’t in Canada; it’s the Chateau Marmont in Los Angeles, complete with its perks (and perky ladies). Coppola doesn’t

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skimp on the humor. Twin strippers—roomservice version—who perform fold-up pole dancing rituals in Johnny’s suite are somehow more hilarious and charming than crude. With such scenery, where can Johnny go to figure out the nowhere he is in and the somewhere he is going? Cleo unhinges Johnny’s existence, allowing father and daughter to lean on each other during this time of change. Coppola’s script depends on a great deal of faith in her actors; there is very little dialogue, so the tension and silent character development have to be spot-on to seem authentic. Dorff and Fanning serendipitously return Coppola’s vision. Fanning acts with such authenticity that she brings to mind other child actresses who have gone on to greatness: Natalie Portman, Jodie Foster. There is something acutely intelligent and intuitive about her presence on screen. In fact, she makes the movie. Coppola has long had her pulse on the mysterious female psyche and the tragedy of lost youth (The Virgin Suicides, 1999) and the weighty relationships between man and women/father and daughter (Lost in Translation, 2003). You can’t help but feel Coppola spilled her own youth onto the cinematic canvas, as if reflecting on real-life experiences with a famous father—Francis Ford Coppola. Wherever Coppola is trying to take us in Somewhere, her work here is certain to make many moviegoers glad they were along for the ride.


5 by Jack L. Pier

“An Ear for Music”

Smith Westerns: “What Sophomore Jinx?”

Smith Westerns – Dye It Blonde

3. Weekend

Smith Westerns – Dye It Blonde

4. Still New

Smith Westerns – Dye It Blonde

5. End Of The Night

Smith Westerns – Dye It Blonde

6. Only One

Smith Westerns – Dye It Blonde

7. Girl In Love

Smith Westerns – Smith Westerns

8. Be My Girl

Smith Westerns – Smith Westerns

9. Smile

Smith Westerns – Dye It Blonde

10. Dance Away

Smith Westerns – Dye It Blonde

Will Chen Trio Lakewood Bar & Grill – Dallas An interesting evening can be had listening to the Trio’s fusion of jazz, rock, funk and blues while noshing on pleasing pub grub at a reasonable price.

Thu 2/17

2. All Die Young

Wed 2/16

Dancing with Wires Univ. of North Texas – Denton As part of the iARTA series (advanced research in technology and the arts) top artists, curators and scholars will discuss 21st century challenges and innovations. Free!

Fri 2/18

Smith Westerns – Dye It Blonde

Grace Potter & The Nocturnals House of Blues – Dallas Amazing voice, amazing backup, amazing— legs! This group is hot and getting hotter with gigs all over the country. Lots of good press everywhere. This can’t miss.

Sat 2/19

The Gibson Brothers So. Oaks Baptist Church – Arlington With Honi Deaton & Dream for afternoon and evening classes and jamming. Your chance to learn how its done and hear how its done by people who know.

Sun 2/20

MUSIC: Smith Westerns 1. Imagine Pt. 3

Body Language The Encaustic Center – Richardson Artist Gwen Plunkett will demonstrate her collage techniques at five p.m. From four to six there will be wine, food and music to open her show. Informative and fun.

Mon 2/21

on bass, which might partially account for the band’s tight sound. I liked lead guitarist Max Kakacek’s guitar-playing better than his fashion statement. I guess “skinny jeans” are just part of show biz these days – time will tell if they end up like MC Hammer’s parachute pants. But I digress… You can tell these guys have been playing together for some time. They formed in 2007 somewhere between homeroom and study-hall, but they didn’t remain a garage band for long. Their first record starts out with “Dreams,” which sounds like a soft, surf-punk song on a transistor radio. It also has low-fi gems on it like “Be My Girl” and “Girl in Love.” The second record, Dye it Blonde offers “Only One” and “Still New,” where they mix Beach Boys vocals with Teenage Fanclub guitars. The record’s opening song, “Weekend,” sports some clever hooks around somewhat corny lyrics like: “Weekends are never fun… Unless you’re around here too.” But it’s “Imagine Pt. 3,” with its spacy, underwater keyboard bridge and “All Die Young” that remind one of John Lennon (with a little Yoko thrown in for good measure). It’s not hard to see Kakacek’s “Beatlesque” influences either. Picture George Harrison’s “As My Guitar Gently Weeps” and you’ll get the idea. I don’t think I’m going out on a limb predicting big things for this band. They may be a bit more flamboyant than the bands I usually take an interest in, but hey – talent is talent. David Bowie, Peter Gabriel and Morrissey pushed the envelope, respectively, but in the end it was their music you came to appreciate. It’s going to be interesting to see where this band goes next. I think this sophomore effort will prove to be a step in the right direction for Smith Westerns, and not the jinx some were worried might haunt them.

From Blues to Hip Hop Texas Visual Arts Association – Dallas Representing many well-known artists’ responses to the music they’ve been hearing. Exhibit will close a week hence. Don’t miss this! Lots to do nearby.

Tues 2/22

We’ve all heard the story. A young band puts out their debut album, usually consisting of songs they’ve worked on for years. It gets good reviews, the band hits the road to support it and a year later they’re expected to release their “second” record. Somehow, it never measures up to the first effort. A prime example from my youth is Boston’s self-titled debut album—one of the most successful in music history. When Don’t Look Back came out two years later in 1978… it just didn’t have the same appeal. Whether it’s circumstance, inspiration, or the lack of it— it’s always something that ends up being blamed on the Sophomore Jinx! Every once in a while, though, you’ll hear another type of story. One where the band gets a major record deal and a bunch of new toys to play with – then proceeds to take their music to a whole new level. Smith Westerns, from Chicago, are living proof it happens. They just released Dye It Blonde in January, a follow-up to their 2009, self-titled debut, which they recorded while they were still in high school. This new record has the same fresh energy but with a more polished sound. Call it “Indie Rock,” call it a throwback to “Glam,” call it “60s Pop Rock”… it doesn’t matter – I like it. When I saw the band perform at The Loft in Dallas on February 8th, they played like seasoned musicians, which was in direct contrast to their obvious youth. The first thing I noticed was frontman Cullen Omori. The kid has stage presence beyond his years, despite the hard time he has keeping his hair out of his eyes. He plays guitar and is joined by sibling Cameron

The Ten Tenors Bass Performance Hall – Fort Worth Created for a wide audience (there’s only a little opera) this group of Australians has innovated ways of singing together that are absolutely original. If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com


6

STARS News

by Tony Barone

“The Senior Sports Authority”

Shark Attack

The Dallas Stars’ sole possession of the Pa- Phoenix dominated after the second pecific Division lead, dating back to Novem- riod with a 14-4 shots advantage in the third ber, ended last week when they had some period and overtime, but those weren’t the company, at least for a while. numbers that concerned Dallas coach Marc The San Jose Sharks moved into a first- Crawford. The Coyotes converted two of place tie with Dallas early in the week, both three power plays. with 66 points. The Sharks have gone 8-1-1 “They scored a couple of power-play in their last 10 games, while the Stars lost a goals, so we’ve got to try to limit the number season-high four straight games and are 4-5- of penalties we take,” Crawford said. “We 1 in their last ten contests. A Stars win over only had one opportunity on the power play the Chicago Blackhawks later in the week, and when you lose that battle, that’s one you coupled with a Sharks loss to New Jersey, don’t like to lose. That’s one we pride ourgave the Stars selves on; that a 2-point lead we don’t give at week’s end. other teams To make more opportumatters worse nities on most for the slumpnights to get ing Stars, only on the power five points sepplay.” arated the five Stars former teams in the Goalie Marty division, leavTurco returned ing the division to Dallas for race wide open the first time heading into since joining the final weeks the Chicago of the regular Blackhawks, season. and the Dal The Stars las Stars came are less fofrom behind to cused on the beat the Hawks standings race 4-3 in a shootand more foout. The win cused on getstopped the ting their game Stars’ fourin order. game losing “You can’t streak. look too much Brenden at everything Morrow, Brad and put presRichards and sure on the Mike Ribeiro team and stuff converted in like that. The the shootout bottom line is we have to regain our game against Turco, with all three Dallas shooters and play like we can,” said defenseman beating Turco on wrist shots to the stick side. Stephane Robidas. “If we play like we can “Marty knows all our shooters, but all there’s a good chance we’ll be able to do our guys know Marty,” Stars Coach Marc well. The details of our game haven’t been Crawford said. sharp, but the last game (a loss to Phila- Turco admitted he had a pretty good delphia 3-1) was better. So I think we are idea where Morrow would shoot, but he was headed in the right direction. Sometimes it guessing against Richards and Ribeiro. is baby steps as you go towards your goal. “Other than Morrow’s, where I knew I think we are headed in the right direction. where he was shooting, the other ones, you We had a couple of good days of practice get beat, you get beat,” Turco said. “It’s a and we just have to be ready right from the little tougher to swallow this time, but I felt get-go and get a good start.” pretty good. But not to get two points and Radim Vrbata’s power-play goal at 1:13 the win is disappointing.” of overtime lifted the Phoenix Coyotes to “This is the first time anything like a 3-2 victory over the Stars on Wednesday this has happened in my career, and it was night. Brad Richards great,” Turco said. “It and Steve Ott scored Upcoming Schedule: was a lot of fun and I for the Stars. Richards 2/16 @ Flames enjoyed most of it.” 8:30pm also assisted on Ott’s 9:00pm goal, giving him 700 2/19 @ Canucks 2/22 vs Devils 7:30pm career points.


7

MAVS News

by Geoff Case

Crossword Solution

“NBA Analyst”

Power Failure J.J. Barea blowing it up The Mavericks bench has been paying huge dividends while Dirk Nowtizki seems to still be recovering from his bumps and bruises. In the latest stretch, the stellar play of J.J. Barea has been crucial to the Mavericks’ winning ways. In spite of struggling for most of the season the turnaround in Barea’s game has been nothing short of spectacular. Barea is shooting a leaguebest 55 percent from the 3-point distance in the past 20 games after being at 16 percent for the first 32. His play has also elevated the play of fellow second-teamers and veteran contributors in Shawn Marion and Jason Terry. “Our bench has gotta be the best in the league,” Barea said. On Thursday, at least, he got no argument. Dallas reserves scored 72 at Denver, the most in the league this season and a high for the franchise in nearly 16 years. Carlisle added that bench scoring is vital to Dallas winning games. “We need those guys,” he said. “We need five or six guys in double figures to be successful.”

during an extended playoff run. “It’s getting better,” Stojakovic said. “With those guys on the floor, they draw so much attention, I’m getting great shots.” Stojakovic passed (former Mav) Dale Ellis for fourth on the NBA’s all-time 3-pointers list late in the first half Saturday at Houston. He now has 1,723+ for his career.

Roddy B practicing Before the game against Houston, Carlisle put the secondyear guard through a tough workout that included five quick, consecutive trips up the stairs in the lower bowl of the Toyota Center. That’s 40 steps each time. A huffing-andpuffing Beaubois also did a lot of court work and Carlisle said the upcoming three-day break, which will include two practice days, will determine Beaubois’ status. “He’s cleared for contact and had one practice,” Carlisle said. “This is nothing new. It is going to depend on the next four days. We’ll see where things are on Wednesday morning.” Carlisle had been reluctant to use the rookie all last season despite some brilPeja finding his stroke The Mavs were going to be patient getting liant play. Everyone is guessing that it will Peja Stojakovic back into game shape, but play out much the same way this season. his addition to the roster is resulting in some J.J. Barea’s recent play alone will probably nice things. Coach Rick Carlisle compared be enough to keep Roddy B stapled to the the early struggles for Peja from beyond the bench. If the Mavericks truly want to be arc to what J.J. Barea experienced for much ready for the playoffs they will need to find of the season. “I like his approach,” Carlisle a role for Beaubois, even if it means going said of Stojakovic. “I think he’s doing the through some growing pains. Beaubois proright thing, which is to play his game. His vides the Mavericks with speed, penetration, shots will fall. He’s just got to continue to and adds another weapon to take some flak from the defensive artillery thrown at Dirk shoot them.” Stojakovic started 1-for-11 from 3-point Nowitzki every night. The Mavericks are range in his first three games with Dallas. loaded with veterans and while that remains He was 4-for-6 from long distance Saturday one of their strengths they also tend to coast at Houston, finishing with 22 points. Peja is to conserve energy at times. Adding Beausettling in and should help replace some of bois will allow the Mavs to cushion their the missing offense left by the Caron Butler leads with Kidd and Dirk on the bench and injury. The threat of Stojakovic’s shooting not have to rely on them every night to pull spreads the floor for the Mavericks offen- out games with fourth-quarter heroics. Carlisle needs to swallow sively and will set up his pride and allow just a flurry of lob passes Upcoming Schedule: a little bit of unpredictthat end up in massive 2/16 vs Kings 7:30pm ability in the rotation. dunks. His presence 2/17 @ Suns 9:30pm will be much needed

2/23 vs Jazz

7:30pm

NBA: Mavericks vs. Suns Thur. February 17 – 9:30PM – US Airways Center – TNT This is your last chance to catch the Mavs before the All-Star break. They had won 10 in a row before a last-second loss to the Nuggets last week. The Suns had a three-game winning streak prior to their loss to the Kings. The Suns are a shell of what they once were but anytime Nash and Nowitzki face off is a good time.

NHL: Stars vs. Canucks Sat. February 19 – 9:00PM – Rogers Arena – TXA 21 The Stars play the last of their three-game road trip against Western Conference leader Vancouver. The Stars haven’t fared well against the Canucks. A win here would go a long way towards this year’s postseason standings and give them some confidence. Keep your eye on left wing Daniel Sedin. The man is a beast with 73 points so far this season.

NASCAR: Daytona 500 Sun. February 20 – 12:00PM – Daytona Int’l Speedway – FOX This will be the first Sprint Cup points race on the newly repaved, 2.5-mile Daytona oval. Pole winner Dale Earnhardt Jr. will make his 400th career Cup Series start, on the 10-year anniversary weekend of his father’s death. The NASCAR season starts here!

NBA: All-Star Game Sun. February 20 – 7:00PM – Staples Center – TNT An exhibition game showcasing the very best the NBA has to offer, there will be no defense. Kobe Bryant is the leading vote-getter with more than 2.3 million votes. Dirk is the only Maverick to represent Dallas. Watch Rihanna perform at halftime.

STARS

MAVS


8

by B.W. Cameron

“The Racing Reporter”

Another year of NASCAR is upon us. The boys in headquarters have made some changes to the 2-point systems, mainly in response to the disgust of many fans. For instance, when the November race hits Texas, the Cup Chase is nearly over and depending on the point spread, the Cup winner can be a foregone conclusion. The new system doles out points in one-point increments. Race winners earn 43 points with an additional three bonus points for the win. Other drivers are sorted by finishing order by one-point increments. For instance, the second-place driver earns 42 points, the thirdplace diver 41 points and so on. You guessed it, sports fans; the last-place finisher (43rd) earns one point. All drivers also can earn an extra point for leading a lap. The driver that leads the most laps gets a point as well. So the maximum a driver/winner can earn is 48 points. Teams that fail to qualify for a race get no points, but NASCAR tracks their number of attempts. There is much margin for error here. There could be ties and other issues between owners/teams. Look to see some heat after race five when the owner’s points go into effect. For truck fans, the NASCAR Camping World Truck Series last place driver earns 8 points to adjust their normal field of 36 drivers per race.

The Chase System

Twelve drivers will comprise the Chase. After race number 26, the top 10 drivers in points earn their Chase berth. Two more spots will consist of the number of driver wins in the first 26 races. Positions 11 and 12 are considered “wild card” qualifiers and will go into a minorleague like bullpen of drivers that are lingering in the top 20 in points. The top 10 Chase drivers will be seeded based on wins during the first 26 races with each win worth three bonus points. The wild card drivers will not receive bonus points for wins and will be seeded 11th and 12th respectively. Lastly, the top 12 drivers will be reset to 2000 points.

BW and His Crystal Balls Will Jimmie Johnson Win Again? Sadly, my best analysis says YES. Chad Knaus is just a superior crew chief and along with the Hendrick money, I feel Jimmie is going to do it again.

Who is driving the Miller Light No. 2 Car? Brad Keselowski. I don’t think he’s old enough to drink beer. If he is, I think having him in the Miller Light 2 car is creepy.

What about Dale Jr.? I wish I knew. There will be a tribute to his dad. He can only be in his shadow so long.

Where is heartthrob Kasey Kahne? With the firing of Scott Speed, Kahne leaves Richard Petty Motorsports, who never figured out his braking problems. Kahne suits up for Red Bull and drives the Number 4. This is a breath of fresh air for Kahne and I think a better fit for him and fans.

Won’t Kyle Busch be a force to be reckoned with? Yes…but he is so wild that he’ll either crash or suffer mechanical problems just enough to get him out of being a serious contender. Why the point changes? NASCAR Chairman Brian France wants a Game Seven moment where everything is neck and neck at Homestead. Let’s see if he gets his wish.

Will Jeff Gordon win a race? With AARP as his sponsor, I doubt it. Just saying… Will Denny Hamlin Win the Chase? He had a tough loss in 2010 and injuries. Odds are against him. I hope he does it!


9

by Sam Chase

“Culture Warrior”

I wasn’t born in a dumpster, or left on a doorstep or in a clump of bushes by the side of the road like so many noisy newborns these days. On the contrary, I was cosseted by my parents for long years as if they were really glad to have me around. Yet all they were able to teach me while I enjoyed their hospitality was 1) that I would be forgiven anything I’d done if I told them the truth about it and 2) not even once to cry or bellyache about something bad that happened to me because I was one of the luckiest kids alive. I got the point. Everything was my fault forever, even if I got hit by a truck. What was I doing in the street? I was lucky to be alive and since I’d taken all the blame, the trucker had kept his job and wasn’t looking for me. Right before puberty my parents’ holy advice began to backfire. “Well, Dad, I burned down the James’s hay barn because Jay wanted to see what my pumpkin would look like with fire in it.” Hmm. “And their front lawn and gardens got ruined by fire trucks trying to save their woods.” “Did they? Save the woods?” “No.” Holy sh!t, nobody was this honest! I deserved a medal even if it would have to be awarded while I was dying from blows to the head. Some insurance people helped the adults work everything out, though the Jameses never spoke to us again. Not that they’d spoken to us much in the first place. We were peons next to the Jameses and didn’t have sundials and stone pathways in our gardens. Oh, and Jay was no longer allowed to play with me. My parents ousted me when I turned 18, but the damage was done. My character flaws had taken hold, so Thai food and Texas, when I discovered them, were a fatal combination. For example, when we had a French houseguest who was struck with the beauty of the takeout I’d ordered from my favorite Thai place, and asked me about it, I told him honestly that yes, it was my favorite food, and yes, it was hot and spicy. In addition I explained how one developed a tolerance for its heat the way one developed a tolerance for alcohol. For my sophisticated friend to eat food with five peppers next to its name was tantamount to letting my maiden aunt, who’d never drunk whiskey in her life, throw down a pint of the stuff on an empty stomach. My French guest flipped the back of his hand as if my advice were so much hot air and pushed the noodles he’d been so eager to try minutes ago to the middle of the table. “Is byoo-teefool. I like to try very much if you please.” He went back to France the next day, sure that I’d tried to poison him. Even so, all of us had been impressed by the way he’d suffered pain without being a crybaby. While his stomach was preparing to disgorge its molten contents, and sweat was running down his forehead and off the tip of his nose, and he was turning purple from being unable to breathe, the Thai-Texan he wanted to be almost replaced the Frenchman he was. For Texans are some of the least sorry people on this planet. They go to their deathbeds without sorrow, no matter how great the catastrophes they’ve left behind. Who better to calmly consume food so hot that their stomachs feel like the scene of gladiatorial struggles between sword-wielding demons? Nothing to it, folks, even the next day when the fire they’ve been belching has reversed its course. Many of these people will never once howl in pain in their whole long, stringy lives. Honesty that kills and internal pain as an offensive weapon! At last I’d made good on my father’s hopes. Long dead, he missed my descent into addiction, but the gentle, smiling Buddhists who keep me supplied act as if I am honoring them to have made theirs my drug of choice and seem not the least surprised.


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13

by Bronte Erwin

Pirouetting amongst the ghostly planes were two Cirque du Soleil ladies from Spring, Texas. Beautiful and fit, they showed high-wire grace in the way they mingled and posed for pictures while patting themselves with towels.

familiar romp of the Old 97’s as I walked across the balcony of the main stage. I plopped down in the first row of the balcony where it extends to within a John Wilkes Booth jump of the stage with its mix of Texas dancehall décor and dark-red hipster wood. Later, heading to one of the smaller stages I bumped into Old 97’s lead singer Rhett Miller. He was loose and friendly as we chatted about the venue before he excused himself, drink in hand, to join Petty Theft in a cover of “American Girl.” When the song ended he hopped off stage right and disappeared through the exit door.

he liked my bow tie. Meanwhile hosts Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt emerged to hop around the atrium dance floor, then scampered back to the VIP area conspicuously close to the arrival of Hugh Jackman. The palpable class system created a less than party-like atmosphere that increased as the night went on. One douche even barged ahead of me in the bar line. When I objected he said, “It happens, bro’,” before I horsecollared him to the back of the line. While women were craning their necks for a peek at a celebrity, the peasant males tried to douche their way into the VIP area of life, only to get tossed from the party by the bulls. Waiting for this inevitable catastrophe was an effective way to pick up newly un-escorted women, some of whom I recognized from previous parties. Then Roger the Douche broke into my exchange with a girl from Indiana and in unbelievably few words explained that he was staying in a suite at the ZaZa and J-Lo and Kid Rock were going to be at his after-party. Not the least bit skeptical, Indiana wanted to exchange Facebook friendship. Before speeding away Roger snapped off his business card complete with a rainbow-colored tag line that read “Roger” in balloon caps. “Absolutely do not go to that guy’s room alone,” I told Indiana. “But I want to see J-Lo!” “Does that guy look like someone who’s going to be partying with J-Lo and Kid Rock in two hours?” Indiana looked confused and disappointed, so with a caring pat on her back I complimented her on her dress and called it a night.

Next was the Cowboy Gathering Charity Casino, benefiting injured vet-

Photos Courtesy: Ron Wilson, Matt Pearce

twitter@bronteerwin

My first Super Bowl party was a media-only event at the House of Blues featuring themed food catered by restaurants from around the Metroplex. The giant beef ribs stood out like something from The Flintstones. Probably less than a thousand writers, photo-journalists, broadcasters and cameramen had the run of the place, making merry despite a report that inclement weather had forced the Old 97’s to cancel their performance. When a wheelchair was necessary to remove a woman from a bar I gave up on the elevator. On the long way down, I heard the

erans (the Green Beret Foundation, Watering Seeds Organization) and the Metroplex Select Youth Foundation. The $350 VIP event ($200 for lounge tickets) took place at the Frontiers of Flight Museum where the lifeless planes chained to the ceiling looked as sad as the Cowboy patrons walking aimlessly about the hangar looking for Cowboys legends who had been taken out of the game by the icy roads and snow. Photographers were snapping anyone attractive enough to be a celebrity. Once the aimlessness wore off, or the liquor kicked in, everyone found ample amusement. There were silent and live auctions ranging from Cowboy memorabilia to walk-on parts in an episode of CSI. This got the attention of the beautiful women in attendance, whose fat cat escorts started a bidding war with the giddy camaraderie of gamblers.

At the Leather and Lace Party the

douches tried to out-douche each other while being ignored by celebrities. With high-end tickets priced at $8000 I found myself with the masses in a hallway of Hotel ZaZa. Celebrities were scuttled past us to the VIP area, though John Randle did stop to tell me


14

Texans Should Be The Best

I’m pretty sure if someone woke up after a twenty-year coma and looked around at all the social and technological advances we’ve made in the last few decades, one of the first things he might think is, “Damn, people really have gotten a lot smarter!” That is, unless he woke up this last week when we had some more-than-normal winter weather with all the ice and snow on the ground. Then he’d probably just shake his head and think, “Nope, nothing’s really changed…same old pinheads I remember from before.” I love Texas. I’m a fourth generation Lone Star Boy and proud as punch to claim this as my home state, and like most True Texans, when I see idiots on parade, I generally figure it’s just a group of misplaced foreigners. (Note: To a True Texan, the definition of a foreigner is anybody whose birth certificate doesn’t list a Texas city or town as their place of natural origin.) Unfortunately, it appears that when our roads get a good dose of ice and snow, and the idiot parade seems to be the majority, then it’s hard to blame it on the foreigners. First of all, what’s so hard about driving on slick roads? I mean really, if people in New York and Chicago and St. Paul and those other wintry places can do it, why can’t we? If we can claim the Dallas Cowboys and the Mavericks and NASA and Chuck Norris (Pssst…he’s really a foreigner too, but I think they passed a law that he can claim a Texas birthright if he wants to), then why can’t we figure out that you can’t slam on your brakes, or punch the gas, or drive the speed limit when the roads are icy? And no, I don’t care if you can bench press a Volkswagen and wrestle a full-grown Long-

by Dennis Hambright

www.dennishambright.com

horn to the ground, once your pickup truck has slid sideways and halfway back down the incline in the 7-11 parking lot, you can’t push it back up the hill while your wife redlines the tachometer and tries to spin the tires so fast they’ll melt the ice. Besides turning half our population into bad drivers, it also appears that the severe winter weather has infected a portion of our population with another embarrassing malady I’ll just call the I’m Too Scared Virus. Okay, I understand closing the schools, because if the parents can’t drive on slick roads, then there’s no reason to think our kids can do any better. But why is it that when I was out and around and trying to go about my normal routine, I found bookstores and good restaurants and even my local post office closed, but every fast-food joint and massage parlor and pawnshop and discount-dollar-knick-knack-store was open for business? Is that really what we want to show the rest of the country we’re like…when the going gets icy, all the good folks get scared and batten down the hatches and stay home? But if you want to clog your arteries with fatty food or get a happy ending or hock the family jewels or run out and pick up a sack of fifty-for-a-dollar party balloons, then this is the place to be? Come on fellow Texans… we’re better than that! Maybe we can all rent the movie Fargo and watch how those funny-talking northerners drive in ice and snow, and next time we get a winter blast, we can show them all that us Texans can do it as good as anybody else. After all, we’re Texans…we should be the best.

In the past month I have gone out and had dinner at two pretty nice restaurants with two very different groups of people. Each occasion there was at least one member amongst us who was a strict vegetarian or vegan. At the first dinner the vegetarian was totally cool and did nothing to draw attention to herself besides not having a main course that included the roast chicken or the mustard-crusted pork chop. She simply had the pumpkin ravioli and a spinach salad. The next dinner was not so peaceful. Now before I get into what vegetarian guy did at the second evening out I want to state that I have loads of respect for vegans and vegetarians. I get it that the veggie crowd think they are living healthier by avoiding the danger of bad cholesterol from red meat. I think it’s also a point of pride that they don’t contribute negatively to our shared environment by not eating meat. There is no doubt that the raising of cattle for beef is increasing in the world and rainforests in some cases are being chopped down for farmland. I have a private guilt at times when I eat some things, but it’s hard to break a lifetime of habit. Vegetarian guy at the second dinner made a point to make it known that he was displeased with the menu options. This was after we all had a drink when we finally sat down to eat. It was not too easy to just get up and try a different restaurant. So we ordered and had a not so pleasant dinner as

veggie guy ate the saddest salad I had ever seen. Somebody offered him a piece of pizza but because the pie had half with sausage he would not take a slice from the spinach and mozzarella side. Too close for comfort. Oh, please! That is when I got annoyed. We have evolved over thousands of years and eaten meat. We would not be the intelligent, dominant species in the world if we did not hunt and kill our prey. I don’t think lions are walking away from a kill wracked with guilt over killing a wildebeest. Look, vegetarian guy, I hope you know that the beer you are drinking may have been clarified with an animal product. Plus, there may be some animal fat at the origin of the pie you just had for dessert. What about the belt you are wearing or the soap you used to wash yourself with this morning? There is rendered animal fat in that, you hypocrite. Well, I actually did not say all that to vegetarian guy but I wanted to. The fact is I did not want to turn it into something more than it already was. It was a minor inconvenience that upset him more than me. However, it did make me think and I remembered to make a point of supporting my local farmers and when possible, eating grass-fed beef and avoiding nitrates. I may sit down and watch the powerful documentary, Food Inc., by Robert Kenner. There is a lot of good knowledge there and some tips on how to eat good and stay healthy without being a total pain.


15

Looks like someone in Stuttgart has been listening to a bit too much of the Rolling Stones. The 2012 Porsche Boxster S Black Edition is a monochrome menace of a machine, powered by a 3.4-liter six-cylinder engine – paired with either a six-speed manual or Porsche-Doppelkupplungsgetriebe seven-speed double clutch transmission – that outputs 320 horsepower and propels the car from 0 to 60 mph in just 4.8 seconds, with a top speed of 170 mph. As you might have guessed from the name, the exterior is all about the darkness, with a black body, black convertible top, black-painted 19-inch wheels, black safety bars, black side air intakes, black twin exhaust tailpipes, black seats – basically everything that isn’t an aluminum or stainless steel accent. (Price - $65,200)

For anyone who’s ever said, “Damn, I wish my cellphone was more like my Nintendo DS,” we present the Kyocera Echo. Powered by a 1GHz Snapdragon processor and running Android 2.2, the Echo sports dual 3.5-inch touchscreen displays connected by a new pivot hinge that lets them run independently, side-byside in Simul-Task or Optimized modes, or in a combined Tablet mode that turns the handset into a 4.7-inch single display – with a huge black thing in the middle, of course. Other features include 3G networking, WiFi, a five-megapixel camera, 720p video recording, Bluetooth 2.1, 1GB of internal memory with microSD expansion, and the ability to convince Luddites that your shrink ray has successfully been tested on a cheap laptop. (Price - $200)

THE MAJOR ROLE OF GENETICS IN OUR PHYSICAL APPEARANCE by Adam Bruster

Some people are tall and skinny, some are short and round, and others are a combination of the two. Some people have long limbs while others have short limbs. All body types have advantages and disadvantages, and our physical gifts and limitations start at birth. There are three different body types: Ectomorph, Mesomorph, and Endomorph. “Most people are a mixture of the three body types, with tendencies toward one” (Nieman, Exercise Testing and Prescription). Listed below are common traits of the three body types.

Ectomorph:

Slim build, skinny, hard time gaining weight, narrow shoulders, narrow hips, flat chest, smaller bones and joints. Examples include Mick Jagger, Howard Stern, and basically any supermodel.

Mesomorph:

Athletic build, broad shouldered, “hour glass” shape for females, “rectangular” shape for men, gains muscle and fat easier than the ectomorph, larger bone structure. Examples include Arnold Schwarzenegger, almost every NFL linebacker, Serena Williams (female tennis pro), and Jennifer Lopez.

Endomorph:

Heavier, gains weight easily, pear-shaped, often shorter arms and legs in relation to body, upper arms and legs are often more developed than the lower parts of the arms or legs (www.bodybuilding. com/bodytypeinformation.html). Famous endomorph examples include John Goodman, George Costanza, Roseanne, and Kevin Smith (actor/director). We all start off with a body type “floor plan” at birth, and we build on it daily by eating too much or too little, and by exercising or not

“Fitness Guru”

exercising. Our physique is determined by genes passed on from our parents and our daily lifestyle. Many people seek a change in physical appearance or athletic performance. Some men have the goal of increasing the size of their calves, chest, arms, or legs. Others may want to gain or lose weight. Some women are happy with their upper body appearance but want to lose fat in their lower body. Some of these men and women will be able to reach their goals with hard work, while others, due to genetic limitations, will not meet their ambitious goals. If you follow a proper nutrition and exercise regimen, whatever results are destined for you will appear (after long-term dedication). You cannot “spot”reduce fat. Part of the female population has lean upper bodies with fat deposited primarily in the hips and legs. The others have thinner legs with more fat stored in the abs and arms. At no point did they make a mistake with exercise or nutrition; they were simply predisposed at birth to store fat in certain areas, and no exercise can change that. If a male has an ectomorph frame, he will probably never have the chest size of the gym alpha male that he admires. There are also many mesomorph/endomorphs who envy the leaner frames of their ectomorph friends. An endomorph would face an uphill battle if he chose to be a marathon runner, and the same would go for an ectomorph trying to play offensive line in football. I consider myself a mixture of the mesomorph and endomorph frame. I’m happy, but have always been a little jealous of guys like my brother who were very lean from day one (especially when we had to play shirts versus skins in basketball or football)! I also know that I don’t follow a strict nutritional plan, and I can’t blame that on my genetics. * Consult physician before beginning an exercise program


16 by Jereny Shorr

Titan Comics

Waiter, student Dear BLITZbudsman:

FIVE COMIC BOOK CHARACTERS The world of comic books is literally packed with interesting characters. In this column, I’m going to cast a quick spotlight on five different characters and what makes them so intriguing. So, in no particular order: Green Arrow (Oliver Queen) is a DC Comics character who had a pampered life until being stranded on a desert island. He had to learn to survive on his own and that’s where he learned to use a bow and arrow with such proficiency. He has routinely gravitated to the left of politics, being a strong believer in the common man and his ability to overcome tribulations. Green Arrow’s beliefs routinely put him at odds with other heroes and villains, making him an excellent anti-hero. Doctor Doom is a Marvel Comics character. He is a mad genius of a man who also happens to be the monarch of a fictional European country. His unique diplomatic status allows him great latitude that most other characters cannot access. Dr. Doom is the sworn enemy of Reed Richards and the Fantastic Four because of perceived slights during his youth. Dr. Doom also blames Reed Richards for the accident that resulted in the disfiguring accident that forces him to wear armor at all times. Dr. Doom is a megalomaniac whose sole motivation is power: he lets nothing stand in his way. Lex Luthor is a DC Comics character who is the direct foil to Superman. Lex is a millionaire industrialist who instinctively distrusts Superman, whom he views as nothing other than an

alien with hidden agendas that don’t include the people of Earth. Lex views himself as one of the last bastions against the depredations of invaders like Superman. Lex is always seeing plots and coups being brought against him – all the while machinating to advance his own causes. Usagi Yojimbo is a Japanese ronin (a masterless samurai) who wanders the world of Japan encountering a wide range of interesting characters and situations. His world is made substantially more interesting by converting all the people in it into anthropomorphic representations: Usagi is a rabbit; other characters can be foxes, snakes, lizards, and almost any other kind of animal. The comic is steeped in the lore of the Japanese world and its mythology. Martian Manhunter is a DC Comics character who is the last survivor of the race of green Martians. He has a wide range of powers that set him above and beyond the normal costumed character. Because he is literally an alien in both physical appearance and attitude, Martian Manhunter approaches his adopted home world in a much more cautious manner than the other heroes around him. His unique viewpoint on the world makes his observations about human life all the more interesting. What causes him to be so intrigued by humans? My name is Jeremy Shorr and I own and operate Titan Comics in Dallas Texas. We’ve been in business for almost 20 years in Dallas and I’ve been selling comics for 25 years. Titan Comics has been named “Best of Dallas” 10 times over the years and carries a full line of comic books, graphic novels, comic book related statues, posters, and t-shirts. We are located at 3701 W Northwest Hwy Suite 125 in Dallas and our telephone number is 214-350-4420. Our website is www.titancomics.com.

I work in a restaurant downtown, and we do a lot of banquets for groups like the Lion’s Club and Kiwanis. The money’s great and the guys I work with, and one woman, are all my friends. A couple of weeks ago I was serving coffee at a banquet when someone called my name (it doesn’t matter who). I had a full pot of coffee in my right hand and had just finished pouring a cup for this guy over his right shoulder. When I heard my name called I started turning and inadvertently poured half a pot of coffee right down the back of his neck. No lie, it was like it was meant to go there, I hardly got any on his collar. Needless to say he jumped out of his chair and was howling and jack-knifing all around the room. The other servers got out of his way so he was like center stage in the big U made by the banquet tables. All his buddies were laughing at him and I was, too. When he saw me laughing he came for me and in self defense I held him off with my left arm and threatened to pour more coffee on him. He went to the owner and the owner came to me a few minutes later and told me I was done for the night. He told me not to come back to work for three days. He said he knew it had been an accident because I’d done a good job with his banquets before this. Somehow the guy I’d scalded found out where I lived. He got right in my face just after dark, and I was getting ready to duke it out with him, when he started telling me “thank you” under his breath, which smelled of garlic, by the way. “Thanks to you I found out something about myself.” Then he offered to pay me twice what I made all week in the restaurant if I would hurt him some more. I told him I couldn’t do that kind of thing for a living. I liked working as a waiter. In a couple of hours I could make good money and still have time to hit the books. (I’m a student at a major university here.) He wasn’t asking me to go into business, he told me. He’d be my only client. It wouldn’t take more than a few minutes,

In this column, conditions in the American workplace will be disclosed. Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the employers and employees ridiculed herein, and as with celebrities and politicians, nothing said by or about them should be taken seriously.

maybe every other day. No one would know, he’d wear a gag. I told him he was nuts, but since I know what he drives I’ve seen him around. I’m already back on duty at the restaurant but whenever I see his car in my neighborhood cold sweat starts running down the back of my neck. This sure would be easy money and I’m positive I could take this guy if he got violent. What should I do? – Icewater in veins

Dear Icewater: It’s refreshing to receive a letter from a novice in the restaurant business, and from someone who is clearly not a business major. Any student with an IQ over 60 would quickly see that this Kiwanian—you haven’t said, but I’m getting a whiff of Kiwanis—is ripe for blackmail, especially if he’s got near and dear ones who don’t know about his secret yearnings. Why should your restaurant work and schoolwork exclude each other? Plucked, shorn, sweated, carved up, etc., his wife may find him much improved. You may be saving his marriage! You will need a contract to make sure your first customer doesn’t become too demanding. Selective plucking and scalding sounds just right, but you’ll cook your own goose if you go too far. Study your man. If he’s hairy—likely if he’s a garlic-eating Kiwanian—see if you can’t gratify him a few hairs at a time. Then on the Fourth of July, fire up all the tufts on his knuckles! The self-discipline learned in this way will stand you in good stead when you open a restaurant of your own someday. And keep cultivating your connection to the Kiwanis, who will always be great banqueters, whatever else might be said of them. Write to the BLITZbudsman at blitzbudsman@blitzweekly.com


JOKES

17

HORRORSCOPES

FUNNIES

Q: Why do blondes have orgasms? A: So they know when to stop having sex. Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A: A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead. Q: What’s the definition of “Tender Love?” A: Two gays with haemorrhoids. Q: What’s the difference between Princess Diana and Casper the ghost? A: Casper can go through walls. Golf Lessons A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says “Not bad.” Pro: “Now hold the club as firmly as you hold your wife’s breasts.” The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The pro says “Excellent!” Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Pro: “Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husbands d!ck.” She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Pro: “Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball.”

ACROSS: 1. Sail supports 6. Trudge 10. Center 14. Part of a body of water 15. 71 in Roman numerals 16. Elliptical 17. A drunk 18. Affirm 19. Naked 20. An orange-yellow food dye 22. Stars and Stripes 23. Egg cells 24. Bright and pleasant 26. Acid neutralizer 30. Communion table 32. Hurt badly 33. Resist 35. Brusque 39. Not outer 41. What a knight is called 42. Hair net 43. Befuddle 44. Neighborhood 46. Coagulated milk 47. Publish 49. A poor densely populated city district

51. Reduce in rank 54. Also 55. Fragrance 56. Dark and misty and gloomy 63. Stiff hair 64. Lamented 65. Ringworm bush 66. Radiate 67. Sea eagle 68. Complete 69. Out of harm’s way 70. Makes lace 71. Muzzle DOWN: 1. Fog 2. Dwarf buffalo 3. Aspersion 4. Exam 5. Steroid alcohol 6. Public square 7. Sixty-six in Roman numerals 8. Beasts of burden 9. Lead 10. Meeting 11. Small egg 12. Detecting by radio waves 13. Mournful poem

21. Keen 25. Stetsons and derbies 26. Dogfish 27. Territory 28. Warm-hearted 29. Make better 30. In flames 31. Stringed instrument 34. Jacob’s brother 36. Defeat disastrously 37. Class 38. Cocoyam 40. Repose 45. All excited 48. Hush-hush 50. Lifts 51. Measured amounts of medication 52. Swelling under the skin 53. Recurring theme 54. The periodic rise and fall of the sea 57. Emanation 58. The period preceeding Easter 59. A gas found in some lights 60. Not deceived by 61. A Central American sloth 62. Sodium chloride


18 by Pat Moran

PEDESTRIANS, AWAKE!

“Man on his Throne”

Everyone knows the universal rule of being a pedestrian. It’s taught to you in kindergarten in the same breath as your ABCs and primary colors: look both ways before you cross the road. It’s obvious, right? The pedestrians have the right of way, while the drivers do their best not to run them down. This is the way it works, right? I thought so. But things have been different lately. It seems like nobody on the sidewalk gives a crap. Bike-riders, too. Nobody is paying attention, and it drives me nuts... People just walking across the damn road, jaywalking and running through traffic. It’s almost at every stoplight. People on their phones, wandering off the curbs and then getting pissed when I almost hit them. Do you realize how big a car is? And do you realize how small you are in comparison? To be perfectly honest, I don’t think it should be the drivers who have to watch out. Don’t get me wrong, there are millions of terrible drivers in the world, many of whom should never be able to drive in the first place, but those drivers stay on the road, not the sidewalk. Stop being such ignorant and annoying jerks and pay attention! Jeez, I sound like Andy Rooney. But it’s true. I feel like the roads have turned into a giant game of “Frogger,” but without any of the fun. I mean, look, just because you deserve to be run over doesn’t mean I can. Do yourself a damn favor and stay on the sidewalk.


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