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ON THE COVER
ALISON WONDERLAND Interview
The Clean Eating Fallacy
16 MUSIC REVIEWS 18 The Love Junkies 20 Lana Del Rey
TOM MORPHETT PHOTOGRAPHY
28 Male Fashion
32 kitty minou art
What the movies taught me about love and how it was all wrong and fucked up my love life
Film Reviews 44 CRIME IN INDIA
48 Addicted to Winning
CO NTEN TS
Hi, weâ€™re Blaire Magazine, and we like to party.
The Clean Eating Fallacy Clean eaters. You’ve heard the term thrown around for a couple of years now and you’ve seen the bare-bellied selfies littered over Instagram. You might even be lucky enough to know a member of this food-obsessed cult.
f you’ve recently signed up for a 12WBT, cool those jets; I’m not referring to you. The only sin of which you’re guilty is the failure to listen when Happy Healthy Harold made his annual primary school pilgrimage. Fortunately for you Michelle Bridges was paying attention, and for the low low price of $239.88 she is happy to cram those memory holes. In any case, your revolutionary ‘clean eating lifestyle’ is nothing new. It’s a balanced diet and active lifestyle, not dissimilar to one the World Health Organisation has recommended since 1948. Don’t eat crap. Don’t smoke. Exercise more. It’s an old message re-branded in the form of a super fun hash-tag, the use of which has evoked a deep emotional response; you feel special, you feel inspired and that’s triggered just enough dopamine to cloud your judgement. You’ve been primed and you’re ready to start spending money on shit. You are part of a well-oiled marketing machine and I have no qualms with you. The clean eating I’m talking about is a system of beliefs rooted in pseudoscience, accompanied by a mere sprinkling of truth. It’s a highly defended ‘lifestyle’ (don’t call it a diet unless you want to be spat on) where the word ‘unprocessed’
is entirely subjective and the attitude toward food is obsessive. The widely accepted definition of Clean Eating is to simply avoid processed foods. Sounds good, but you knew it wasn’t going to be that simple, right? What constitutes a processed food depends on who’s doing the scamming. ‘Gurus’ like Tosca Reno have smorgasbord of rules based on ‘research’ but dig a little deeper and you’ll see most of it is absolute bollocks, right down to her own professional qualifications. Nutritional Therapy Practitioner may sound fucking special, but when your studies revolve around fabricated medical conditions like adrenal fatigue then your credibility deserves some serious scrutiny. Reno routinely dishes out shoddy advice and unsubstantiated claims in addition to her lifestyle advice, such as maple syrup and honey are ‘clean sugars’ and therefore okay, but white sugar is ‘legal cocaine’. You need only google ‘metabolising sugar’ to discover exactly why this advice is ridiculous. Sugar is sugar; your body doesn’t give a shit if it’s in the form of liquid from the arse of a tree, a species of cane grass or the insides of a bee’s esophagus. Once it’s in your body it’s metabolised the same way.
Likewise is her claim that calories don’t matter. Of course they fucking matter. If you eat 198 calories worth of carrots, those calories don’t just disappear because they came out of a vegetable. She insists ‘I don’t count calories. We now realize that different foods react in different ways in our body. Whereas we may lose weight on 2000 calories per day of Clean food we may gain weight on 1600 calories per day of junk.’ That’s a lovely sentiment Reno, but riddle me this: How the hell did Kansas State University’s Professor Mark Haub lose 12.5kg in 10 weeks on a calorie controlled diet of Twinkies and Doritos? Fellow Clean Eating profiteer, Terry Walters claims eating out of plastic or aluminium containers will harm you as they are known carcinogens; more codswallop. Detoxes? Your body has a detoxing system; it’s called your kidneys. Besides, if all you’re eating is rabbit food, brown rice and a bit of steamed chicken then there’s not a great deal that needs to be detoxed, anyway. Of course if you are one of Reno’s devotee’s none of this really matters to you because after all, you’re a clean eater! You know better than the rest of us numpties. We’re just ignorant, we’re those ‘toxic’ friends and family Reno has warned you about. We undo all your good work by offering you a piece of birthday cake at our 30th, we roll our eyes when you complain there’s never anything on the menu you can eat, and we must surely be threatened by your new healthy lifestyle so we stop inviting you around for coffee when you moan too much about our homogenised milk. You eat unnecessary foods like activated almonds and you drink alkalised water. You go on juice fasts where 70% of the vegetables you’ve juiced are now a pile of useless pulp, and the other part is nutritionally compromised because it’s oxidising while you take pictures of your shitty green concoctions to post on Instagram. Never mind that no human being requires that much vitamin C. You don’t have scurvy, do you? It doesn’t matter, you’re a fucking clean eater on a fucking juice fast! You occupy a
unique niche and you delight in your self-importance. There is nothing wrong with wanting to lead a healthier lifestyle. We know the majority of factory manufactured mass produced food is bad for us, we know we should be eating plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables. It it’s been drilled into our heads since childhood and most of us choose to ignore it but the fact is, maintaining a healthy lifestyle isn’t rocket science. I know it can be tricky to discern marketing from facts in a world where every bastard has something to sell, but that’s when we put on our critical thinking hats and figure shit out for ourselves. Sure, sign up for 12WBT, use the hashtags and clog everyone’s newsfeed with motivational JFDI pictures if that’s gonna help you reach your goals. But don’t let it consume you. When you hear someone else has started adding Apply Cider Vinegar to the 750ml of organic rainwater they drink each morning to neutralise their blood, turn off your computer run away. Don’t buy into a load of hype because some knobend with a fake qualification told you so.
g n i t a e n a e l #c #scam > Gemma Davies 7
If you’re yet to be acquainted with this chick’s music, then you’re missing out on her heavy beats, and legendary fist-pumping style. Let me introduce you to Alison Wonderland; every boy’s dream. We took a ride down her rabbit hole to find out where it all began. You have probably had this question a few times, but why Alison Wonderland? I needed a name for the night and it stuck. I have no amazing story for you. I was djing on a night and they were like, ‘Okay we need to give you a name’. So we came up with that really quickly and it worked. It didn’t leave me haha. Can you describe yourself in five words or less?
That’s the thing. I’m never acting. Its like and I go on stage I’m in a blur. I can’t explain how I feel up there. I have never once acted. Because if you don’t have a hard on for what you’re doing, who else will? I am just genuinely into what I’m doing. Which maybe is good. But then I see footage of myself and think ‘shittttt’. But your quirky dance moves are addictive to watch. They work.
Mental case. Number two: passionate. Number Man I wish that it worked for me in high school. three: hyperactive. Number four: musical. Number Back then, I don’t know if my dancing was cool or five; can we make this one word? Always hungry. as popular. I’m always munching on something. How do you have such a banging body then? What’s your secret?
How were you keeping yourself preoccupied, before the crazy dancing and awesome beats?
Because I jump around. I am very hyperactive all the time. But then everyone is always like, ‘Chill out, calm down.’
I was playing base guitar in some bands and I was also actually just before that I had just left school and was in Europe playing cello. So that’s what I thought I would end up doing. My parents thought I was going to be a cellist, my school thought I was going to be a cellist, my cello teacher thought I was going to be a cellist. And then I don’t really know what happened, but through that, I ended up here.
When did you decide to start spreading your love behind the decks? I can’t even remember. I just remember locking myself in my room. I never actually planned to be a DJ, which is the funny thing. I just fell in love with the skill of djing. It was something that I liked to do and then I just hyper focused on it. I eventually started getting booked, but like literally whether I’m playing in a club or at a festival, I’m playing exactly the same. I move around constantly. Yeah Djing involves a lot of musical talent as well as performance.
So do your parents condemn or condone your new career path? They love it. My dad is a doctor and so he plays my mixes while he’s doing operations. It’s slightly worrying for his patient’s haha. My dad and mum have been really supportive. In the beginning they couldn’t quite understand what I was doing, but now that they have been to a few gigs and they > 9
hear the music I’m making, they get it. It’s really supportive and it’s nice. I have always been that kid that if they told me not to do something, then I’d do the opposite. So they just don’t say anything now. So are you an only child then? No I have a little sister. She has just moved to New York. I went to visit her earlier this year, when I played South-by-South West festival. Jeez that was fun. I miss her, but we SKYPE on the reg. We actually get on better now that we’re in different countries. She doesn’t steal my clothes anymore! What bands have influenced your style? My all time favourite band is The Beatles. But at the same time I love hip-hop, so when I was a lot younger, all the kids that I knew through my family friends, would be playing The Beastie Boys and Outkast and so that’s how I got into them as well. I even saw Beastie Boys twice before MCA passed
away. I’m really inspired by the way they have done things with innovative production, but in terms of the reason why I started producing, was because of The Knife. I couldn’t get enough of their album Silent Shout. I went out and bought a MAC and started making music. I owe them a lot. The reason why I started singing was James Murphy from LCD soundsystem, because this guy is so amazing and honest and so that’s what got me going. Yeah, a lot of musicians choose to conform, to make a quick dollar, rather than be honest. Well I just can’t respect that, because it’s not honest. I think people can smell when something is honest and when it’s not and when something is from a real place then they can properly communicate with people. It might not be a hit straight away, but there’s longevity in that music. I don’t know, but yeah.
I have noticed that you’re a big advocate of gang- room. I worked in a call centre to buy my first ster music of ALL eras, do you see yourself as a computer. I just saved up whatever I could to buy bit of a gangster? everything that I needed. I had to learn how to produce from a limited amount of things. Haha. No, I just love that music. I’m definitely not a gangsta. My teeth aren’t gold. I used to wear a You’ve done a set in Ibiza. Did you play ‘we’re plate at night, so there’s nothing gangster. Clearly going to Ibiza’ by the Vengaboys? the lifestyle is not me, but in terms of music, that’s what speaks to me most when I’m out. I love poNo, but that was my theme song on the plane. I etry, I love those beats and I love the way that Hip was singing that the whole way there. ‘We’re going Hop started. I love the story behind it. You don’t to Ibiza…’ Isn’t that how it goes? And then how have to be gangsta to make Hip Hop. Beastie boys weird is this, when I got back from Ibiza, I was weren’t gangsta. I just really love beats. It’s primal. in Townsville airport and they were playing that song. It was so weird. High tops or heels? Did you get to see the robot at Amnesia that High tops. shoots fire? What was the first song that you ever remixed? The first song that I ever remixed was by a band called Sherlock’s Daughter and I was in my bed-
I went to a show in LA and partied with Dylan Francis, A-trak, Skrillex and Diplo at a club. And there was a similar robot. I think it must be the travelling robot. > 11
When you released Welcome to Wonderland in 2012, did you have a tough time deciding on your choice of songs? How did you do it!? Yeah I had a really tough time. I just had to cull a lot and then I had to work out what song would go with what song. It took me a while, but I wanted to make it interesting and left of centre of someone who would usually make a compilation. And now, your new single ‘Get ready’. Congratulations! Where did it begin?
You must be pretty pumped about releasing your own music. Are you excited to share your talent? I am so excited, but really scared because it’s from an honest place and you know, it is scary putting it out to the world. I have been making music for so long, it would be stupid for me not to do it. It’s naturally the next step. Expect more songs that aren’t as clubby to come from me, because I have been writing songs for a long time. They’re all still going to be electronic, but yeah not always banger. For all the boys out there, are you single and ready to mingle?
Umm well it began in my bedroom. It was originally meant to be an instrumental and then Fishing just gave me this rap that I couldn’t deny. Then I actually have a really amazing boyfriend, who I made a top line for the chorus and then I sung on runs a label called IOU and so I’m unfortunately that and turned it into a song. not single. But, I do mingle, as in party! > Sarah Long
13 Tom Morphett
Gay Marriage T h e
wa i t i n g
ecently in Costa Rica the legislature passed a bill on gay marriage. By accident. It seems this was a fortunate oversight for those in favour of the legalisation, as the bill was previously defined by its allowing marriage between a man and a woman. Yet a modification was made by José María Villalta of the Broad Front Party to include marriage rights without human discrimination. But what turns this from a quirky piece of news into a symbolic gesture for coming change in our times is that with the passing of the bill there were almost no objections and gay marriage is now allowed in yet another part of the world. In Australia there have been no such fortunate mistakes, yet gay marriage is a white-hot issue in politics and the numbers for its support grow stronger every day, often silencing those in opposition. Could it be that the ancient belief that “marriage is between a man and a woman” is becoming a thing of the past? Ex-Prime Minister Julia Gillard had stated she was opposed to gay marriage, but still believed it was necessary for a conscience vote. Ms Gillard believed in the opinions of the legislature even though she was not in favour. This didn’t give the desired end result of Australians in support of marriage equality, but the consideration among the parliament was definitely a step forward. It cannot be denied that only a few years ago its 14
G a m e
consideration wasn’t even a possibility. This was a step forward, if somewhat tentative and gradual. Of course, it’s very possible that Gillard’s request for the conscience vote was strictly a political move to demonstrate Tony Abbott’s refusal for one. But then isn’t this still worth noting? If gay marriage, once taboo in politics and liable to cause uproar at its mention, is being used by the PM to demonstrate out-dated and conservative opinions of the opposition, then doesn’t it show that things are changing? With Kevin Rudd reinstated as our Prime Minister, the issue refuses to rest. It seems that now it’s up to us as the voters instead of just the legislature, because Rudd wants to hold a referendum (a vote from the Australian public) that will, as he claims, once and for all solve the issue. Interestingly, Rudd was previously opposed to marriage equality, but after what he described as a “difficult personal journey” he changed his mind, right before being reinstated as the PM. So again progress is made, but just because the PM is in favour still doesn’t tidy up the issue. The request for a referendum has been called “too expensive” and is believed to cause problems by polarising the Australian public on the issue. The issue is still being squabbled over and picked apart, so even though it refuses to rest, it refuses to stay still and be resolved, too. For many of the Australian
‘ ... because so many of us, whatever our sexual orientation, know someone affected by the issue and we want to show our support. ’
public, particularly those in favour, the legalisation of marriage equality is beginning to feel a bit like a waiting game. But if this referendum were put to us as the voters, what kind of public would it be encountering? Speaking as a young and educated Australian, the majority of people my own age with whom I come into contact are in full support of gay marriage and are tired of watching the issue dart in and out of the spotlight. But of course we don’t speak for the entire population. The popular Facebook group “Gay Marriage Rights in Australia” has more than 200 thousand likes, “I’m Australian and I Support Gay Marriage” has over 100 thousand, while in Universities there are always strong support groups joined by the LGBTIQ community and otherwise, because so many of us, whatever our sexual orientation, know someone affected by the issue and we want to show our support. And then there are the events such as Pride March, with 2013 being the largest march in history; IDAHO day (May 17, International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia); Midsumma Festival, a Melbourne queer celebration of culture and arts; plus a myriad of others. This doesn’t mean that if approved Rudd’s referendum would be met with an entirely supportive public and I believe there is consid-
erable truth to the possibly dangerous polarising aspects of the vote, but in my opinion it is the consideration being put to such a supportive public that matters. So while we may not be able to rely on fortunate oversights or a sly party member changing the marriage bill, the waiting game we play doesn’t have to be one in which we sit twiddling our thumbs in frustration. If you support marriage equality, show it and strengthen a growing support group by attending events, joining groups getting into discussions with fence-sitters. As far as history goes we are in an incredible place for the rights of the LGBTIQ community, but don’t let all this progress stand for only further squabbling in parliament. Let it stand strong on results.
> Tom Bensley 15
> Ronan McDonnell 16
Okay, so, you know when a girl just shaves her legs and is so happy with how smooth it feels that she keeps boasting about it and trying to get people to touch them? That’s how I’d describe Home, the debut album from UK bass outfit Rudimental. This is some spot on liquid Drum’n’Bass; showing homage to older acts like Shapeshifters and London Electricity whilst never failing to sound modern. But that’s not what sets this album apart. That would be the vocals. Every vocal on every track is a perfect fit. The album gets off to a spectacular start with massive hit ‘Feel the Love’. The next couple of tracks do reveal a few awkward moments; these are the only points at which you can tell this is a debut album. The album definitely strengthens as it goes on though, ending on a spectacular high note with ‘Waiting All Night’ (which, as an aside, has the most inspirational video clip that I’ve seen in a long, long time).
Songwriters Marcus and Pepa of Jinja Safari went on a musical adventure around the world, capturing snippets of their travels along the way. Their self-titled debut LP takes us along on that journey, through a joyous world of indie pop that gives us a taste of their very own brand of Australian world music; think Paul Simon’s Sydney hipster lovechild. Immediately uplifting and melodic, this album heralds a new depth and complexity to the energy that has already won this band so many fans. From the spirited opening of ‘Apple’, to the entrancing synth-psy-junglejam ‘Oh Benzo!’, the band takes us through an impressive range of sound and vocals that leave you feeling like you’ve been on a trip worth writing home about… or was it just a dream? > Melissa Richards
EMMA LOUISE vs head vs heart
Emma Louise is a young artist from Brisbane, Australia who has gained nation-wide recognition for her soulful music. Her debut song ‘Jungle’ was released on Triple J’s Unearthed in 2010. Described as an Australian Sarah Balsko, her melodic tunes show how amazingly talented this young artist is. Her newest album, vs Head vs Heart, has astounded fans with its soft, atmospheric vocals and soft dance beats. A standout track, 17 Hours, is a masterpiece of audio levels, with a mixture of whispers and distorted voices creating a trance-like song. Emma Louise’s voice has a certain authentic quality, guaranteeing the listener a calm and soulful journey. > Perrie Kapernaros
afraid of heights
Afraid of Heights is a nihilist’s wet dream. The Wavves fourth album is recklessly exuberant. Nathan Williams appears to be having fun, despite his lyrics predominantly advocating self-pity and self-destruction. The listless title track is heart of the album; it laconically embodies the album’s spirit… or lack of it: “I’ll always be on my own, f***** and alone”. But it’s hard to take such misery seriously when the noisy, incessant guitars seem to smother any real hopelessness with their glorious unrelenting howls. This is not particularly an album that leaves the listener despairing and depressed. Rather, through Williams’ bratty and somewhat amusing whining we see bits and pieces of redemption both for him and for ourselves. > Lisa Matlin 17
The the Ll o ve Jj un kies
The indie-rock beats that we have been head-banging to lately, come from The Love Junkies. These young men are fresh out of Perth and are making a name for themselves. We are absolutley digging their style. Where did you get your band name? My old man branded Lewis and myself “a useless pair of love junkies” when we were young, whiney, pimply teens with girl problems. I guess the name kind of stuck around. By the time Robbie joined the band it seemed only right to change the name to “The Love Junkies”. What bands influence you and your music/sound? As we’ve gotten older I feel like we’ve began drawing influences from all different genres. When we were younger it was bands like Nirvana and Mudhoney. Hardcore was also a big one with bands like Minor Threat and Bad Brains etc. Refused was also another biggy. I’ve recently fallen in love with a lot of australian stuff. Roland S. Howard is inspiring the shit out of me at the moment. How do you feel about the current music scene? I think the scene in Perth is healthy. There’s so much talent getting around the place that the whole town is a buzz. It’s exciting watching your friends make waves all around the country and in some instances, the world. We love your single Oxymoron; it’s a great name. Can you tell us a bit about the making of that song (how long it took, what inspired your lyrics etc)? Well, the song came out of nowhere really. Sometimes it just happens that way. You pick up your guitar and it all writes itself. I wrote the lyrics for that one when I was going through a bit of a rough patch. I had split with a lover and was partying a little too hard I think. The song is based around being under the influence and the ridiculous decisions one tends to make whilst being a drunkard douchebag haha. You currently launched your album ‘Maybelene’. Were you pretty amped about that? How has the crowd responded whilst on tour?
We were all incredibly excited to get this one out the door. There was quite a build up to releasing the record due to us being out of pocket. So to have something you’re so passionate about be put on the shelf for such a long time builds up a lot of tension. The launch was nuts! Blood, sweat, beer and bodies… it was loose. We didn’t really know what to expect outside of Perth but we were incredibly overwhelmed with the turn outs at each show. People seem to be digging the album so far so we’re all quite chuffed with ourselves. Do you have anything else in the works coming up for 2013? We’re going to be heading back over east in September for Bigsound and will be stringing a couple more dates together up the east coast. We’re also planning on heading back into the studio in a couple of months to start recording some new tracks. The first half of the year has been crazy so it’ll be interesting to see what springs up over the next couple of months. Have you had any crazy fans do anything really weird/crazy yet? Haha, uhhh... a girl flew to Adelaide all the way from Sydney to kiss our drummer. If you guys could be a song title, what would you be? “Bring Da Ruckus” by Wu-Tang. For all the blaire magazine readers, are you guys single and ready to mingle? Come up and talk to us then maybe you’ll find out ;). If you were an inanimate object, what would you be? Wizzfizz > Sarah Long 19
Love her or loathe her?
y Grandma taught me that you should never discuss religion, politics or sex in front of company – I’d like to add Lana Del Rey to that list. Since the release of her first album Born to Die, Lizzie Grant (aka Lana Del Rey) has garnered a lot of positive and negative attention. The first time I heard Lana I was driving and listening to Triple J when Video Games came on. I pulled over, shazam-ed it and texted my boyfriend to tell him to listen to it immediately. When I got home I watched the 60’s inspired, Nancy Sinitra-esque film clip and could tell that she was going to be a big deal. Within a few weeks the song was everywhere along with the other singles ‘Blue Jeans’ and ‘Born to Die’ and it seemed like everyone had well and truly caught Lana fever.
‘ As beautiful as she may be, Lana Del Rey is not a performer. ’ Everyone was strapping themselves onto the Lana bandwagon until her now infamous performance on Saturday Night Live in early 2012. She was heavily criticized for her awkward and stilted live style, which then opened a gateway to a long list of criticisms. When her past attempts at a career as Lizzie Grant were discovered many accused her of changing and faking a persona in order to sell records, ignoring the fact numerous other artists such Lady Gaga, David Bowie & Gene Simmons have done the same thing. Others turned to the fact that her father had partially funded her music projects, igniting accusations that she is a talentless Daddy’s girl who has him to pay for her career. Lana Del Rey had become a polarizing figure in music – you either love her or loathe her. Musically speaking, I’m not sure if Lana Del Rey is someone we should be looking up to. In July of last year Lana was playing at the Palace Theatre here in Melbourne and I was lucky enough to pick up a spare ticket to see the show. Whilst waiting in line
a member of her entourage came over to a small group of us and asked if we would like to meet Lana to which we obviously said yes. We were then quickly escorted around to a small alley of Little Bourke Street and two minutes later Lana’s van pulled up. The rest of the group went nuts, asking her to sign things and telling her how much they loved her. I didn’t say too much though and neither did she. I told her that I thought she looked beautiful and she quietly said thank you posed for a photo and then headed inside. Three hours later when she came out on stage she could not have looked different. She was painted the house down and decked out with hair extensions. I decided that I would give her a second chance after the SNL incident but her performance that night was more of the same. She stumbled around the stage for about 45 minutes and then left without an encore, most of us were pretty upset. My Lana-obsessed friend who I saw the show with couldn’t bring himself to admit that it was a pretty shocking performance, and instead just kept repeating the mantra that ‘she looked so beautiful’. As beautiful as she may be, Lana Del Rey is not a performer. Lyrically speaking most of her songs are about a whirlwind romance and the problems that come with it. There really isn’t much more depth to it. One of the most egregious examples would be the chorus line of her song ‘Young & Beautiful’ on the Great Gatsby Soundtrack singing ‘will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?’ That being said however, her style of baroque pop ballads mixed with hip-hop beats is unique and beautiful and something I would highly recommend. If we want to look up to her as more than a fashion icon Lana Del Rey should stick to her records and steer away from trying to stake her ground as a live musician – she should be heard and not seen.
> Spencer Hadlow 21
TOM MORPHETT Photography
ey Iâ€™m Tom. What started out as a love for urban decay and social decline lead me on to further explore these t started out in 2009 looking specifically into the broken window theory, which states that the first s it is not only a physical entrance to what lies beyond but it is also marks the start of an area in decline, th I then took a greater look into what came next. It was things like the graffiti; homeless squatters, the rub that link every area of Urban Rot with another. I find it amazing how something that used to make me cross the road now draws me closer and cl building or suburb now overrun with abandoned buildings, high local unemployment, fragmented fami ever so beautiful. The more I have delved into urban life, the more I want to capture. My interests are be
topic areas and break down all the little key elements that make up the very vast topic “Urban Decay”. I sign of any urban decay is in fact just one solo broken window. After a while, if that window is not fixed, hat area may be one building, it may be a whole suburb. bbish, the tea candles, and the empty spray-paint tins, the adolescents, the birds, and the train systems
loser to try and break down, through my lenses, even further what it is that makes this once prosperous ilies, political disenfranchisement, crime, and a desolate, inhospitable city landscape that is somehow eginning to broaden and I can’t wait to share my experience with everyone.
DON’T’S Do’s MALE FASHION
’m moving house this weekend. I hate This one is obvious, right? moving, but I look at it from two perspectives. One; I will have to dismantle half my shit and try my absolute hardest not to break it in the process but due to having zero patience Whether you care a lot or a little about with anything the inevitable will happen, how you dress, let’s touch on a few things: which means I’ll have to fork out more money for crap I already had. Flat-soled slip-ons, snapback hats, polos, And two; it means some less-fortunate people cargo pants, washed denim, yellow clothes are going to get some clothes that I thought in general, suspenders, white loafers and would be the peak of cool when I saw them. denim vests are all clothing articles that How horribly wrong I was. should be donated/sacrificed to the gods Over the past year my fashion mistakes straight away. They’re all done, played out, consist of mustard yellow pants, burnt orange and sure they might make a come back, corduroys, red runners, fluro blue runners but for now they’re gone, so put your (not so much a mistake I just never exercise), wardrobe out of it’s misery. fake optical glasses, and a dip-dyed pink polo shirt. Yep, you read right. Camouflage pattern rears it’s head every On the models these all looked like 10 years or so, but is now disappearing great items to purchase, and I always left the again after being seen on everything and store thinking, ‘Geez, I am gonna kill it!’ Exeveryone over the last two years. cept this never happened and I would always go back home and realise that those geniuses in marketing had gotten another victim. 28
So after realising half of your wardrobe looks like arse and going out to splurge, my advice would be:
Don’t advertise labels, you’re paying for the clothes, not being paid to wear them. If you spend enough the people who matter will notice. Buy clothes that fit well for fuck’s sake, too many guys make an effort to buy nice clothes, and props on the effort, but an ill-fitting cool-wicked graphic shirt as opposed to a proper-fitting simple shirt is chalk and cheese – people notice.
Pattern clash at your own risk. Don’t wear high tops or snapbacks.
Do experiment with block colour schemes.
Block colour shirt, ASOS
Wear more black.
Buy a pair of boots and a nice jacket, tis the season.
I’m out for another issue. K.I.S.D. - Keep It Simple Dickhead
> David Meadows 29
2013 is the birth of a new era, it’s an anything g find myself looking up and down more often plauding them. My nod of approval goes out t opinionated when it comes to outfits t
As an example, leggings made a comeback a few years ago, but unless you are going to the gym or are Ally ‘needsameal’ McBeal skinny, then you really should not wear them. I have leggings at home, and they are generally worn around the house accompanied by my ugg boots and a massive jumper to cover the muffin top. I am not saying that this trend is on the runway anymore… but it has certainly left a bad taste in my mouth when witnessing young girls still sporting baggy crotched galaxy print leggings with a crop top, looking more like a stocking full of raw sausages than a young pretty girl.
Behold the return of the oh no wait… hold up, what? Plastic shoes? Strippers have been wearing them before the dawn of time, stiletto clear heels and clear thick plastic straps, please remind me when stripper-wear was cool out on the street, unless of course you really were working it girlfrand on the corner earning your keep hanging out of car doors selling your cleavage, and, well, clunge too! Honestly, clear plastic shoes anytime of the day, month, week or year is a big no-no in my opinion.
Pixie ear cuffs are also being spewed across the fashion industry. I do not enjoy. I know they are bejewelled and sparkly but if there were ever a time to look like Dr Spock it would be at Comic Con and NOT your everyday outfit. 30
goes kind of world in fashion these days and I on some of the trends this year than I do apto quite a few looks this season, but I become that serve absolutely no purpose at all.
yes I feel like braces, bow ties, blazers and hats have really made a comeback and I am absolutely in love with the idea of looking sexy within male fashion for women as seen by the ever-famous Ralph Lauren on the runway right now. Project Runway all stars honed in on androgyny with the contestants bringing sexy back giving their female models the structured look with dramatic make up and slicked back hair and occasional lace-up boots.
Stripes are making a relatively large comeback on the runway again, with Marc Jacobs and Oscar De La Rento painting the town with black and white and I for one am on that bandwagon. Not to be mistaken by the 1980â€™s Beetlejuice, regardless, I am sold on stripes and always will be.
KITTY MINOU ART Minou creates mixed media artworks, paintings, stencils and paste-ups for the streets. Known for her delicately crafted, enchanting peacock designs and electric blue robots, her wheat pastes can be found on walls stretching right around the globe. Every piece is made by hand with love in the hope that itâ€™ll brighten your day. 32
THE MOVIES TAUGHT ME ABOUT
AND HOW IT WAS ALL WRONG AND FUCKED UP MY LOVE LIFE.
am not a ladies man in the slightest. Actually, when it comes to women, I’m kind of hopeless. I’ve never been in a serious relationship… to say I’ve been in any kind of ‘relationship’ would probably be an exaggeration. I’ve spent a lot of my life as a bit of a hermit. My idea of a big night isn’t going out, partying, clubbing and drinking but sitting at home and watching a movie or two… or three. At 22 years old, I think I’ve only been clubbing three or four times and have thus, never really taken the opportunity to ‘go out and hook up.’ That lifestyle is something I’ve never been interested in. Someone once referred to me as a ‘girlfriend guy’… And I guess that’s true to an extent because I’m not just someone who’s likely to hook up with anything that walks that has a vagina and a lovely pair of breasts. For a girl to grab my attention, she has to be very, very special – intellectually and physically. She has to be smart and gorgeous, with a few flaws (that’s cute!). The reality is, I have extremely high standards for women, and I have higher expectations of love and relationships than I probably should. And because of this, I’ve counted a lot of people out and have clearly missed out on a lot of opportunities. Recently I had a bit of a fling (if you could even call it that) with a girl who managed to tick all the boxes on my ‘high standards and expectations’ 36
scale, and after a couple of months of trying to make something ‘serious’ work, I realised I’d failed miserably. So, at this, I started questioning myself. Why didn’t it work? Why don’t my attempts to woo girls hardly ever work? Why did I rush it? And, most importantly, why do I have such high standards and expectations? A guy like me, (who’s no Ryan Gosling, let’s be honest) has no reason to be picky. After quite a bit of thinking I realised that the core of my problems was simple. It rested in the one thing through which I experience love and relationships through every day – movies. Given the amount of films I’ve watched, practically everything I’ve ever learnt about love and relationships has come from chick flicks, and classic romance films. So, now that I look back and think on my track-history of girls I’ve tried to woo, either successfully or unsuccessfully, I realise that it’s the lessons and depictions of love that the movies give us that have completely fucked up my views on it all and, in turn, have ruined my relationship life thus far. What were these lessons and how were they wrong, you ask? Read on!
A girl who you like but doesn’t like you will eventually like you and go out with you and
marry you and live happily ever after with you if you like her and wait around for her long enough. Remember Ross and Rachael in Friends? Ross liked Rachael for his entire high life, and when they were adults, they finally hooked up and eventually wound up together forever? Well, this lesson about ‘persistence’ is the first lesson that screwed me over. In the first year of high school, I meet a girl, we became close friends and then I realized I liked her – my first real crush. After several attempts to woo her it became clear that she didn’t like me the same way. But, that was okay, because I figured, if I was anything like Ross, I’d win over my Rachael in the end . Turns out, I was nothing like Ross. Remaining close friends (we still are), I had a crush on her for practically all of high school. I wasn’t actively trying to win her over the entire time, other girls did float in and out of my conscience during this time, but every couple of years I’d give it another crack to no prevail. Once I got to uni and wasn’t seeing her every day, I got over her pretty quickly. But, thanks to this lesson of ‘persistence’ I’ve realised I wasted a chunk of time I could have used focused on other people and experiences. Don’t waste so much time, don’t wait for someone who doesn’t like you, because unlike Ross you probably won’t get your Rachael in the end.
Be a gentleman and nothing but a gentleman. I’ve grown up watching a lot of old films. So, a lot of my life values have come from the classics – they’ve made me very old fashioned. They taught me to treat women with respect, to be gallant and caring. But the problem is, if you act old fashioned these days you get labeled ‘the nice guy’ and wind up in ‘the friend zone’ and I’ve been to that part of town far too often. Of course, there are still plenty of girls who respect the gentleman, but if you’re consistently gallant and have no darker, mysterious
side you’re going to wind up right in that dreaded zone… not that it’s always a bad thing, I’ve been ‘friendzoned’ by some of my best and closest friends, and I wouldn’t change that for anything. But seriously, if you want to get anywhere with love, don’t take your cues from Carey Grant or Humphrey Bogart 100% of the time. Perhaps a little Sean Connery butt smacking, sexually inappropriate behavior might be the go. But seriously, sexual harassment isn’t funny… respect women. Seriously.
Be geeky. Girls love that shit. Remember Seth Cohen in The O.C? Girls loved that guy and said they wanted their very own geek. As a somewhat geeky guy myself, I’d just like to say, when girls are presented with reality, the Seth Cohen guy always loses out to the Ryan Atwood guy.
Being sexually intimate with someone you really like will most likely lead to some kind of serious relationship. I’m not going into this one in tremendous detail, but even though When Harry Met Sally and No Strings Attached might have you believe this lesson to be true, it is totally incorrect. Let’s leave it there.
If you love someone, tell them. Finally, the absolute worst lesson of all. We’ve seen this a million times – guy likes girl, guy gets courage to tell girl he loves her, guy kisses girl in the rain, guy and girl live happily ever after. Sorry, but this ain’t how it works. I’ve never told a girl I ‘love’ them because I’m not sure I can say I’ve been in love. But I have confessed feelings to girls many times, just like the guys in the movies. The difference between me and most of these guys is that it turns out less Notting Hill and more Chasing Amy – remember, the film where Ben Affleck >> 37
confesses his love to his lesbian best friend and she gets real angry and distant and shit. Now there’s one movie I can relate to. One thing we can learn here is that, what the movies teach us about love is totally fucked up. I learnt more about relationships from a brief fling than I ever did in a lifetime of watching sappy chick flicks. It made me realise that everything Hollywood force-feeds us really is fiction, it isn’t reality. Reality is much harder. Real life is less roses and chocolates and more fire and brimstone. Movies teach us how to go about finding this thing called love in the worst possible way – the most unreal-
istic way. Experience is the only way to find what you want, and find out what really works. You want to find real love and find a real relationship? One word of advice – forget everything the movies taught you and follow your heart. You want movie love, watch a movie. And at that, I’ve decided I ain’t fallin’ fo this shit no mo and from now on I’m going take that advice… and maybe lower my standards a little bit. Right after I watch Notting Hill for the hundredth time, of course. > Dave Lee
39 Tom Morphett
A Round-Up of Films currently in Multiplex by Nic Barker
MAN OF STEEL Another month, another superhero film – that’s what it’s feeling like these days. Zack Snyder’s overstylised and bombastic reimagining of Superman arrives with a bang, potentially kickstarting a new series of films featuring the titular Clark Kent (Henry Cavill) and Lois Lane (Amy Adams). Snyder tells the very familiar origin story of Superman, placing him in a bid to save Earth from annihilation at the hands of the fanatical General Zod (the haunting and brilliant Michael Shannon). As the film goes on, the collateral damage caused by Superman and his conflict stacks up with a seeming disregard for consequence – by the end, the death toll must be catastrophic, which seems odd for a film that’s supposedly about a hero trying to protect the species. Having said that, there are segments that are well crafted and the performances are all tops. Henry Cavill is going to be a superstar.
MONSTERS UNIVERSITY The acclaimed and revered Pixar have produced many wonderful films over the years, but seem to be stuck with a case of the sequels. Two years after the underwhelming Cars 2 we have a prequel to a far more beloved Pixar effort, reuniting the lovable Mike (Billy Crystal) and Sulley (John Goodman) in an origin story set in the pair’s college days. There is barely a hint of the originality or creativity that went into Pete Docter’s Oscar-nominated original film, but this new Monsters Inc. story is a sweet film and has many funny moments. Those going in with high expectations will be disappointed (we can’t always get sequels as amazing as Toy Story 3) but this is an enjoyable, albeit forgettable, reunion with two of our favourite monsters.
WORLD WAR Z This globe-trotting Zombie action blockbuster endured a notably troubled production, to the point where the entire ending was rewritten and reshot. As a result, this is a tonally inconsistent and all-over-the-place film, where the story consists of our hero Gerry (Pitt) jetting around the zombie-infested world trying to find a cure. There are some good sequences, with the highlight ironically being the reshot sequence – a cat and mouse (or man and zombie) chase through a cold and haunting Welsh medical facility. This film will inevitably spawn and franchise, and I honestly hope they actually have a proper narrative next time – the story in this film feels flimsy at best, taking nothing but the title from Max Brooks pseudo-survivial guide. It’s a somewhat entertaining diversion, but structurally flawed.
V/H/S 2 The sequel to last year’s underwhelming horror anthology has garnered rave reviews from the festival circuit – it plays at the Melbourne International Film Festival this month. A collection of four found-footage horror shorts tied together by a framing narrative, this film is worth the price of admission for the third short alone, ‘Safe Haven’, where documentarians get trapped in a horrifying Indonesian cult. Directed by Gareth Evans (renowned for last year’s action smash hit The Raid) and Timo Tjahjanto, ‘Safe Haven’ is one of the best pieces of horror put to celluloid in some time and wipes the floor with the other installments. These others, including a Zombie/GoPro mashup from one of the Blair Witch directors, and the hilariously named Slumber Party Alien Abduction, are a step up from the mostly middling segments from the first film, and each have their moments, but none come even close to Evans and Tjahjanto’s effort. Overall, a mixed bag, but fans of the found-footage horror genre and terror films in general will get a lot out of V/H/S 2.
WARNING THE FOLLOWING
CONTENT MAY C O N T A I N
CRIME IN INDIA 44
Can anyone guess what the fastest growing crime in India is? I’ll give you three clues. 1. The crime has risen by 6% in the last year. 2. There has been a whopping 24,923 reported cases in 2012. 3. Delhi comes in at number one with the highest report of 706 cases in 2012. Give up? Your answer is rape.
ep, you read correctly. Rape is on the rise and it’s getting nasty. I want you to think back to when you were seven years old. Maybe you were collecting Pokémon cards? Or playing hopscotch? For many of us, these were the days that we could run free and not have a care in the world.
What I honeslty can’t get my head around is the fact that men can forcefully penetrate themselves into someone that is trying to escape. What is worse is that they’re practically raping babies. It’s really f**cking sick in the head.
Only 12 hours ago, a seven year-old girl was found in a room gagged and tied to a chair naked. She was playing outside her house that evening when a 28 year-old man misled the girl into his house, before strapping her down and raping her. When the girl did not return home later on that evening, a search party was sent out to find her. They found him and he is now in questioning.
It wasn’t until the gang rape and murder of a 23 year-old female student on a moving bus in Delhi last December, that women have started to take action. Countrywide protests for better security have sparked national debate about gender inequalities in India.
Anyhow, moving on…
The percentage rate could be increasing because of the number of women who are coming forward. But only a small amount Want to hear another story? Ok, what about are coming forward. this one… Who’s to blame for this? The judicial system. It discourages women from reportLast Tuesday, a 10 year-old girl was lured ing charges against rapists. Rape victims are into a secluded place and gang raped. generally stigmatized. In some cases they’re According to local reports, four teenage boys forced to marry their attacker to avoid social were seen with this girl before it shame. happened. That night, the girl went home and told her mother that her private parts If you’re wondering how on earth you can were hurting, but did not reveal that she had stigmatize someone who has been raped, been raped. She was then rushed to hospital, then let me explain… for the mother to find out what happened. The young girl died days later.
There are a handful of male leaders across India who have put bans on girls wearing skirts as school uniforms. They have also put bans on women wearing t-shirts and jeans as casual clothes. Their justification for this action? Women need to be a representation of ‘sober and dignified’. Hindu extremists have even blamed rape on westernisation. Suggesting that women and girls invite sexual assault through their clothing or conduct, thus blaming the victim. There has been chat of legal reform and fast trials, but stigma and blaming of survivors of sexual assault will unfortunately remain. Many rape cases will continue to go unreported because of the social stigma attached to the victim. The rape victim is condemned by society and the female is considered the culprit. There have been cases of women committing suicide because they’re too scared to speak of their ordeal in public. The reason why these males are getting away with it is because they know that women are completely helpless. If the women speak up, not only do they negatively categorise themselves, but also their families. Many parents are too scared to report these cases to the police as there will be a good chance that their daughters will remain unmarried forever.
There are fears that gang rape could lead to further restrictions on women, rather than emancipation. The question is, why the f*ck is modernity seen as wearing skimpy clothes? The focus should be on the plurality and assertion of the individual’s rights. India needs to find a happy medium, where cultural values remain whilst women have equal rights. This highlights that ATTITUDES need to change. And changing attitudes is a huge challenge. The government are slowly becoming more proactive about the situation, however they cannot combat the damaging stereotypes alone. Nevertheless, they’re at the forefront of change. Law reform coupled with effective implementation of laws will help slowly alter attitudes. The Indian parliament should criminalize the full range of sexual assault with appropriate punishments that respect basic human rights, as long as advocated by women’s rights groups. Sexual assault needs to be recognised as a violation of that right of women and girls. Most importantly, officials need to practice what is preached. If they refuse, they should be held accountable.
The government should also integrate programs Get this for another story… into the health system, providing women with information about sexual violence and the A 15 year-old girl was molested by her uncle for consequences. This will help create more five years. She finally told her mum. Her mum AWARENESS. And the country should make slapped her across the face and told her that it was available resources for rape victims through which all her fault. The girl was to never speak of it again. they have access to medical, legal, psychological and other services. 200 years ago, this was unheard of in India. Why? Women, who have been raped, should be Because it had not yet been effected by westernisa- given the opportunity to move on with their lives tion. Since the globalization of India, the tradition- with the support from loved ones and they should al values and moral have slowly subsided. There not be stigmatized with shame. has been a decline in moral values and this has encouraged problems. Such views expose cultural and social tensions created by the rapid pace of economic changes in India over recent decades. > Sarah Long 45
a voice for those who cannot speak With the upcoming election fast approaching, Oscar’s Law and the campaign to close down puppy factories once and for all has never been so significant. Mia Francisco takes a disturbing stroll through the world of mistreated dogs.
nyone who knows me, in fact, anyone who slightly knows of me, is more than aware that I am in love with my Golden Retriever. I am beyond obsessed. It is actually unbelievable how infatuated I am with Levy Angel Ernie, but they do say a dog is a human’s best friend. Or shall we say, most humans? The intent of my article is not to scare nor upset anyone, but to simply raise awareness about the shocking horrors that human beings are inflicting on our four-legged friends on a daily basis inside the cruel world of puppy factories. Activist, Debra Tranter, who has devoted nearly 20 years of her life to abolish the cruel practice of breeding dogs for profit, offers me a personal insight into the devastating truth about the puppies in pet shop windows and elaborates on how an abused little pup named Oscar has helped to put closing down puppy factories on the political agenda. ‘Puppy factory’ is the term used to describe the disgusting, inhumane and shocking environment in which thousands of canines are forced to live and breed. Female dogs are kept in small pens for their entire life and are nothing more than a breeding machine; forced to churn out litter after litter. No veterinary care is provided for any of the dogs, male or female, more often than not the dogs are only fed once every two days, their cages are rarely cleaned and most shockingly, they are 46
never exercised or treated with the love and respect that they deserve. These horrible “homes” are the hidden businesses behind the pet shop window. Upon years of following and campaigning to help close down puppy factories I have been exposed to such awful stories, pictures and video footage I was doubtful that any other information Debra was able to provide would reduce me to tears. That was until, however, Debra revealed some of the atrocities that she has witnessed over the years as she has tirelessly worked to save dogs living in a nightmare. Debra founded Oscar’s Law* in 2010 after she had rescued a severely neglected puppy who had been liberated from a puppy factory in central Victoria. Oscar was just one of a number of dogs who need urgent saving. The list of ailments the dogs were suffering is alarming: ear infections, gum disease, stitched up vaginas, starvation, dehydration and much, much more. Debra created Oscar’s Law with the sole purpose of raising public awareness and educating consumers about the hidden industry behind the pet shop window. Debra, myself and thousands of others want everyone to know that the miserable, cute and fluffy puppies they see behind the glass come from nightmarish homes where their mothers are treated as breeding machines, where their fathers
Debra and Oscar the day he was rescued
are deprived of the most basic needs such as environmental stimulation and enrichment, where their siblings are nothing more than dead foetus’ still lying in a corner of a cage. As you can imagine, these animals suffer the highest psychological trauma. Whilst this information is truly upsetting and outrageously wrong, there is some good news to reveal. Since Debra’s campaigns have commenced pet shop sales have fallen 20% and for the first time since 1994 the Victorian Government has
come under increased public pressure to review the legislation that allows puppy factories to operate. The NSW, SA Government are now also reviewing and amending legislation around this industry. There is still a lot of work to do to finally closing down the cruel worlds of puppy factories and that is why I strongly urge each and every one of you who reads this article to jump on board the crusade to save the beautiful and innocent creatures who deserve love, respect and justice.
Ways you can help: •
Never buy a puppy from a pet shop or a suspicious breeder. Always do your research, always ask questions and ensure that the puppy you are buying/adopting comes from loving beginnings. • Sign the petition at www.oscarslaw.org • Take the pledge to close down puppy factories at www.rspca.org • Report any animal abuse immediately
* Oscar’s Law: Abolish the factory of farming companion animals - Ban the sale of companion animals from pet shops/online trading sites - Promote adoption through rescue groups/pounds/shelters. > Mia Francisco 47
A D D I C T E D
rugs and sport; these two words should never be uttered in the same sentence. Like a pair of ill-fated lovers, they should have never been introduced. Sport has evolved to a point where it is no longer just a result and bragging rights. Nations can gain global recognition on the back of a successful Olympian, with individuals queuing up to line their pockets as a result. With these rich rewards on offer, schemes and plots were always going to be formed by the greedy and desperate in an attempt to gain some form of advantage. These came in the form of strategies and training, but unfortunately others turned to cheating. Drug taking became an issue before a counter measure was introduced, thus always seeming to give the impression that the drug takers were able to evade any new rules or regulations. Governing bodies were introduced to help police this growing epidemic and they are still hard at work to this day. This summer was the most brutal of any period where drugs have been an issue in sport. The Lance Armstrong saga will potentially go down as sportâ€™s biggest drug taking controversy ever. Armstrong stood for everything that was right in the world, he stood up against the unbeatable opponent of cancer, and not only won, but returned to cycling in order to place himself back on top of the podium and regain his title as number one. 48
Cycling has a horrible reputation for the amount of suspected drug use in professional competition, but with Armstrong they finally had a golden boy with which they could hang their hats on and believe in a clean future. The man was an amazing idol and could not have been held in any higher esteem. That was until the investigation and eventual prosecution. I could not name a person who was happy on the day that Armstrong was found guilty. The world lost one of its best stories of hope and seemed a less bright place to exist. But once the shock had disappeared, no one held a shred of respect for what he had done, strictly speaking about his career. The man was a cheat, a fraud and fully deserved any punishment which is deemed fit. His actions cannot be accepted, no matter what positives or awareness came as a result. This is a case where the means cannot be justified by the end result. The die-hards ask why canâ€™t every athlete have any advantage available to them and then whatever happens, happens. There are so many things wrong with this generalization that it is hard to choose where to begin. First and foremost, sport would be destroyed. It is hard enough to keep an even playing field with richer countries able to afford better training facilities and afford full-time athletes. With a drug edge on top, the gap would only broaden, with premierships and gold medals literally being awarded to the highest bidder.
‘ Drugs and sport; these two words should never be uttered in the same sentence... ’
You would never necessarily have the greatest athletes being recognized for their accomplishments. There will always be those who hold true to their core beliefs and reject the offer of these unfair advantages. What if the world was never able to appreciate a Usain Bolt because there was a richer nation who could artificially enhance a slightly lesser athlete? Would the world be a richer place for having witnessed how well a scientist can fine-tune a new brand of steroid? What sort of world would we like our children to grow up in? A drug cheat should not be a man that is idolized by one who may not know any better. The children of this generation are currently having to reassess their idols as Lance Armstrong is struck off the top of many lists. Hope is either lost, or children learn that a syringe is a ticket to the top. Either way, it makes for a very shaky future. Finally, and what is often overlooked, is that the effects of drug taking on the athletes needs to be examined. Those who commit their lives to the cause of success could find themselves in a very early grave. These drugs often contain long-term negative side effects or, as the Essendon Football Club has discovered, the effects on the human body are unknown. The difficult part is where to draw the line on performance enhancing. A painkiller is often overlooked, as it is a ritual which many of us partake in our day-to-day living. But if we remove the tablet and replace it with a pain-killing
injection, the line is suddenly blurred. Is it in a player’s best interest to be sent back onto the field when they are clearly in too much pain to perform normally, and more importantly, is it fair? A look again into the AFL had a certain player from a club come off from the ground due to an injured ankle. Instead of conceding his game, the club chose to inject the player’s leg mid-match with a local anesthetic, strap his ankle and send him back onto the field. Now I am not suggesting that this was a one-off incident, it probably happens much more often than we know. But in this particular game, with the player unable to properly feel or control his leg, he rejoined the game only to seriously injure his knee and miss the entire season as a result. There is no reason in any foreseeable future where drugs and sport will work. It would be the equivalent of betting on a team of robots. The praise and reward received by modern sporting heroes is a gift which should only be bestowed on the most worthy of competitors. Science has its place in training, medicine does its work behind closed doors, but only an athlete and his/her hard work should be permitted to cross any white line and compete with someone else who has sacrificed just as much.
> Mitchell Pascoe 49
Try Before you Buy M
y friends try to tell me that he was my boyfriend, however I called him my ‘trial run’. After all, it’s important to try before you buy, right? Whatever he was, thank f*ck there was a return policy. We met at the Dirty Swan and with a name like that, I should have guessed that it was a dead-end love affair. We brushed passed each other knocking our drinks all over the place. A few words were conversed and we were at the table having a good old yarn. He eventually told me that he had missed his last train and had no money. I knew that it was a way to get an invite to mine and he did. But I told him on one condition, that he couldn’t try anything on me. He was a true gentleman that night. I remember waking up the next morning to him prodding me (with his hand) saying ‘Tharah, Tharah are you awake?’ The last time I checked, Sarah was spelt with an ‘S’ not a ‘T’. Did I just spend the night chatting and making out with lisp boy? I think so. Lisp Boy aka Brent lived out very far and expected a lift home in the morning. So being the lovely girl I am, I drove him home. It wasn’t until he was getting out of the car that I realised that Lisp Boy was kind of cute. So I put the whole speech impediment thing behind me and began to date Brent.
Date night 1: I played it safe and decided to drag a mate along. It was casual drinks at a pub, whilst watching the footy. Brent and I had a good time, however his hairy friend decided to call my mate a snob. Shit got awkward and we called it a night. Brent and I continued to chat via text. He seemed like a sensitive, new-age kind of guy. It was different, but kind of refreshing. Date night 2: He took me out for a Chinese feast. I dropped a wonton on my crutch. We made out in his car. Verdict: Good kisser. Very affectionate. Within a week of dating, the conversation was rolling. We had great banter and a he was charming. There was just one slight hiccup. He stalked my Facebook conversations with other boys and he accidentally ‘liked’ a conversation. His excuse – ‘oh my phone is screwing up at the moment.’ Yeah right, pal – screwing up so much that it scrolled back to a conversation that I had a year ago. I let that one slide. Date night 3: We made spaghetti bolognaise at his house. We fed his pet chook. Its name was Henny. We drank red wine on the couch. We chatted for ages, however whenever my phone went off, he would ask who was messaging me. We touched bits that night,
but there was no sex. Brent asked a lot of questions about my guy friends and I told them that I have a few. He told me that it was because they only want one thing, but then he would cuddle and give me kisses, which made me forget his odd comments. Date night 4: My friend and her boyfriend invited us to Lorne. We drank, ate and played couples Jenga. He kept touching me and holding my hands. He gave me a nickname that weekend ‘Thar’. I think he was trying to say ‘Sar’. My friend liked him, until he skipped into the kitchen and told everyone that he was happy. That was right before he demanded that I take my make-up off before bed. I slept with a pillow in between us. Don’t judge; it was for safety precautionary measures. Date night 5: Triple J House Party. We booked to stay at the hotel after the gig. We were on our way to the hotel when things started to get a little bit weird. Brent and I got into conversation about relationships and I told him about the ‘look’, which a guy gives a girl when he thinks she’s the most amazing thing in the world and he would do her right then and there if he could. Brent took my remark as a hint. We made it to the hotel and as I finished getting ready, I could sense something really creepy staring at me. I peered up and Brent was sitting on the end of the bed, biting his lip whilst squinting. ‘What the f*ck are you doing?’ I shrieked. It was too rapey. I told him to chill out. That night we met up with some of my guy mates at the gig. Brent tried to keep pulling me away from them. He was getting real possessive. Somewhere between the dance floor and toilets we lost each other and my phone “died”. The night came to an end and as the crowd departed, Brent was nowhere in sight. I grabbed my friend Steve and asked him to come and check the room with me.
No Brent. He was gone. Steve and I passed out in the Hotel’s bathrobes like bosses. As I stepped into the shower the following morning, the bathroom was noticeably empty. Something was missing. I reached for the soap. It was gone. I reached for the shampoo, also gone. Conditioner? Gone. I got out of the shower to grab my towel, gone. Everything was cleared out, the complimentary sanitary bag, shower cap, even the already used soap from the night before. He wrapped it back up and stole it. Brent packed everything into his overnight bag and bailed. As this was all unraveling, Steve yelled out from the bedroom, ‘Hey Sarah, there’s something here that you should read.’ I put my robe back on and exited the bathroom to grab the note. ‘Thar, it’s either me or those guys,’ he had scribbled. Steve started laughing whilst telling me that I was dating a psycho. ‘Thanks Steve. You gimp.’ I mumbled. Brent’s trial run had expired and it was time to return the product. Somewhere between the meet-and-greet and the stealing of the complimentary hotel products, I had wound myself up with a bull with horns. It was not a good time. There is a fine line between cute jealousy and jealousy that will destroy a relationship and you need to nip that jealousy in the butt right from the beginning. Unfortunately I didn’t. So what is the jealous type? 1. The constant touching. Especially in front of other men. It’s a sense of ownership over you, letting you know that you’re already his. You may not notice it as a bad thing because you’re happy for the affection, however it’s his way in conveying his message to you and everyone else. 2. The stalking. When the guy that you’re with starts stalking you, you know that this is the 51
ultimate sign of jealousy. It’s also an invasion of privacy and he feels as though he has the audacity to keep on invading. So if he decides to stalk your Facebook conversations or constantly ask you who’s messaging, then be proactive about this, before he starts to become obsessive 3. Not happy when you talk about someone else. You’ve noticed that every time you talk excitedly about someone, he is visibly unhappy or uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter what gender, but it gets worse when it’s the opposite sex. 4. He get’s angry easily. Most of the time, you don’t think that you have done anything wrong. It could be the simplest things like, you going out for dinner with a friend, or seeing a guy checks you out in the street. He doesn’t even give you a chance to explain, before screaming away. 5. Making you choose him over your friends. Generally the jealous type has a fun time in manipulating the situation where you feel guilty choosing your mates or anything else over him. However, I had it written in front of me. Lucky me.
How to deal with the Jealousy? Don’t deal with it. Simple. A relationship is supposed to be built on trust. If he is carrying baggage from a previous relationship, he needs to leave it at the door. If you really care about this guy and want to pursue him, then learn to accept his insecurities and find a way in working together to change them. You need to question why he is a jealous type and whether it has anything to do with his past. Find out where the problem lies, then listen to him while he explains his reasons to you. Make sure you’re open with him and set rules up in the relationship, to avoid the same argument twice. Build his confidence and make sure you involve him in your life as much as possible. Well that’s it from me girlfriends. Good luck!
> Sarah Long
53 Kitty Minou
blaire. EDITORIAL Emily Eaton Editor Sarah Long Creative Director CONTRIBUTORS Dave Lee Entertainment Spencer Hadlow Music Tom Bensley Life Gemma Davies Life Melissa Richards Music Ronan McDonnell Music Perrie Kapernaros Music Lisa Matlin Music David Meadows Fashion Nic Barker Entertainment Mitchell Pascoe Life Mia Francisco Life Photography Tom Morphett
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