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avoiding mr. machete

avoiding mr. machete

In preparation of the new Friday The 13th movie it might be a good time to see how you would fair if a madman wielding a garden tool comes after you... Just answer the questions and tally your score... The lights go off. Do you... 1. Arm yourself and hide in a closet. 2. Leave the house and go next door. 3. Light a candle and say you’ll check the box in the basement. 4. Decide to have a shower. 5. Stab someone. Your friend is having terrible nightmares. 1. You stock up on energy drinks. 2. You move to a different street. 3. You arrange a sleep-over. 4. You invest in nunchucks. 5. You practice scraping your knifeglove against metal stuff. You are the... 1. Virgin. 2. Virgin’s love interest. 3. Cop. 4. Cocky, annoying, completely selfinvolved jerk of a football player. 5. Big guy in a mask. The phone rings. You... 1. Don’t answer. 2. Start making popcorn. 3. Flirt with the caller. 4. Tell the caller you have a boyfriend. 5. Hit redial when they put the phone down. You start hearing... 1. Calming music. 2. Other people having fun. 3. You having fun. 4. High-pitched violin sounds. 5. Voices...

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mar 2009

Your occupation is... 1. Babysitter. 2. Babysitter’s friend. 3. Babysitter’s friend’s boyfriend. 4. Janitor at the insane asylum. 5. Creative Homicide. A guy with a moustache greets you. His name is 1. Magnum P.I. 2. Steve Christy. 3. Bob Carter. 4. Tom Savini. 5. Going to look good on a tombstone. You meet someone who is afraid to Sleep. So you... 1. Feel concerned. 2. Think they’re weird. 3. Slip them some sleeping pills. 4. Are the one not sleeping. 5. Wait for them to fall asleep so you can invade their dreams. The house party is running low on booze. You... 1. Don’t drink. 2. Offer to go get some more at the shop. 3. Remember there is still some in the spare fridge downstairs. 4. Are passed out in a field. 5. Prefer liquid red and spilled.

4. Join forces with the local mutant hillbilly to find them in the caves. 5. Are sitting on the porch. a big party happens to fall on... 1. No specific day. 2. A birthday. 3. Valentine’s Day. 4. Prom Night. 5. The anniversary of when you, aged three, killed your family. You would define your camera time as follows... 1. Plenty of innocent-looking bits. 2. The third guy at the back. 3. Wandering aimlessly through the woods. 4. Swimming, then wandering through the woods. 5. In first person. Everyone’s going camping... 1. You have had a past encounter with a crazed killer.

2. Your relative has had a past encounter with a crazed killer. 3. You heard about a murder spree that took place at the camp site. 4. You are determined to score with your date. 5. You sharpen your hunting knife. You prefer to... 1. Not break the rules. 2. Follow the crowd. 3. Break the rules. 4. Tease the non-rule breakers. 5. Carry garden shears. While on a road trip, you see a hitchhiker. You... 1. Accelerate. 2. Offer to tell someone at the next stop to pick them up. 3. Give them a lift. 4. Give them a lift and offer to drop them at that abandoned farm they want to go to. 5. Are the hitchhiker.

Some of your friends explore a nearby farmhouse. You... 1. Find new friends. 2. Wait for them in the car. 3. Go looking for them.

mar 2009

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avoiding mr. machete

Someone buys a doll. You... 1. Are the one to get it as a gift. 2. Think it’s creepy. 3. Don’t think it’s creepy. 4. Make fun of it. 5. Respond to the name of Chucky. You hang out in... 1. The local town. 2. A sorority house. 3. Near lakes. 4. A nice neighbourhood. 5. The shadows. People start to go missing. 1. You are the last to figure this out. 2. You see the killer. 3. You find a body. 4. You are one of the missing people. 5. They are not people. They are targets. Your hobbies include... 1. Being Virtuous.

24-44

You will be fine. Probably. Look, these things aren’t set in stone, but if your only rule other than ‘caution’ is ‘get out of dodge’, you’ll be fine. You might even be in the sequel!

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mar 2009

45-69

Your major talent is 1. Screaming. 2. Slacking. 3. Flirting. 4. Renovating old places. 5. Not staying down.

2. Finding a boyfriend/girlfriend. 3. Insisting your friend gets a boyfriend/girlfriend. 4. Making fun of the locals. 5. Cannibalism. You narrowly escape an air crash because... 1. You forgot your plane ticket. 2. You foresaw the disaster. 3. You accompanied the freaked-out person off the airplane. 4. You are forced off the airplane by the freaked-out person. 5. No, wait, you CAUSED the air crash. A group accidentally kills someone. You... 1. Insist on telling the authorities. 2. Freak out. 3. Help cover it up. 4. Cover it up. 5. Get a huge waterproof trenchcoat.

There is a reasonable chance you might see the end of this with a pulse, but don’t expect to be in one piece. Keep the number of your local emergency room on speed dial and avoid the sequel.

70-89

How can we say this... we’re only hanging around you because you are the best hope we have of figuring out where the killer is. If you are lucky you won’t go in a creative way...

The locals invite you to theiR centenial games. 1. You don’t like games, but go along. 2. You’re all for games and try to win everything. 3. You chow down at the local BBQ. 4. You enter the barrel-rolling contest. 5. You hammer nails into the barrel. Playing pranks are... 1. Stupid. 2. Immature. 3. Funny. 4. Mandatory. 5. Punishable by death.

90-114

The last meaningful thing you ever did was complete this quiz. Any time beyond this and what will be a spectacular and over-the-top violent death should be spent in blind panic.

115-120 Whoever said “don’t fear the reaper” never heard of you. Yup, you ARE the killer. Bad news: you’ll get it in the end. Don’t worry – if the audience like you tons of sequels await...

Slashers | Feature | Charged  

A quiz feature I wrote, designed and produced for horror films.

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