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Table of Contents

January 2011

Cover by Elisabeth Harvey Model: Adam Broadhurst (Charlie Archer Model Management) Makeup: Jenny Ockenden

features

8 Wiki-leaking 9 Happy New Year... 10 Tatts Life 12 Is there a killer lurking in your neighbourhood?

14 Shooting Melbourne 16 I met a real prince... Disney lied 20 Detox Me 24 Featured artist: Elisabeth Harvey 28 Music: Matt Walters 42 Crafty folk: JewelryDeli 45 Short Story: In My Head

travel

22 How many tourists can you fit in a tuktuk? A boys trip to Phuket.

fashion and beauty

36 What’s your favourite accessory? 44 Beauty Spot

food and drink

30 Summer Salads

every month 4 Open Letters 5 Tea and a biccie... with Amanda Palmer 6 Debate: Should overweight travellers pay for two seats?


Editor Jil Hogan Creative Director/Co-Editor Sarah Robertson Lead Designer/Web Design Rowan Hogan Editorial Coordinator Kristian Hollins Layout and Design Jil Hogan Photography Elisabeth Harvey, Sarah Robertson Contributors Paul Smeaton, Fiona Spinks, Dani Hanrahan, Kristian Smith, Kyla Sorenne, Kelly Forbes, Hayley Beck Advertising & Marketing NextStep Marketing (jules@nextstepmarketing.com.au) www.biscuitmagazine.com.au biscuit magazine is free and issued monthly. Email contact@biscuit magazine. com.au. ABN 33 407 496 992. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without written permission from the copyright holder.


Editor’s Note

We’re a few days into January now. All resolutions are well and truly broken, and work has crept its way back into our daily schedules. Ease the pain with your monthly dose of biscuit. Enjoy! Jil & Sarah contact@biscuitmagazine.com.au This issue is dedicated to a special biscuit reader, Lauren Schiffke, who will be sadly missed.


Got something to get off your chest, to no one in particular? Or only feel comfortable saying something behind the safety of your computer screen? Send your open letters to: openletters@biscuitmagazine.com.au Dear New Years Resolutions, We always seem to get off to such a great start at the beginging of each year, being the best of friends and then by the end of January we seem to have drifted apart. This year I think it would be nice if we could try a bit harder. Your Fairweather Friend, Liz To the Dentist who removed my wisdom teeth, Why do they still hurt? They aren’t there! Simon Dear Carbs, I hate you because you are so bad, but love you because you taste so good. Why can’t you cause my butt to shrink instead of causing me to feel it grow with every mouthful of pizza I swallow? Why is life so unfair? From Tammy Dear Real Estate Agent which I will not name (but rhymes with Lentil Lexpress), I handed over the keys to my now ex-rental property this morning with such a burst of joy, I can’t even put it into words. You are the most inefficient, incompetent and useless company I have ever had dealings with in my life, and I’m counting my lucky stars that I no longer need to deal with you. I sincerely hope the company fails soon enough so that not many other innocent people have to waste large chunks of time attempting to deal with you. From, Anonymous (I don’t have the bond back yet).

Open Letters 4

January 2011


tea & a biccie

Amanda Palmer

here than with most of the middle part of America, that’s for sure. Describe words.

yourself

in

three

Wine, love, explosion. If your house burnt down, what would be the first thing you saved? Left: Illustration by Craig Nelson. Right: Image courtesy of Amanda Palmer

I’d take the composition books from my high school years, they have all my drawings and they’re insanely sentimental. What was it like working with Ben Folds? Ben is brilliant!! And fucking hilarious. We spent most of our time cracking each other up with stupid, geeky jokes. But he’s honestly a genius. The guy can pick up any instrument and play it and his brain never stops spinning and working - I could relate to that. We rarely argued, and when we did, it never got personal. I liked that about him - he had a calm temper. biscuit chats to American performer, director, composer and musician Amanda Palmer ahead of her Australian tour to promote her latest solo offering, ‘Amanda Palmer Goes Down Under’... What is it about Australia that you love?

What’s your hidden talent? I can also pretend to sing and thousands of people believe me. Why should everyone go see your show?

Because it’s awesome and you will leave inspired, Both Australia and New Zealand have been ha- shaken to the core of your being and in love with vens for me. There’s just something about it the world again. that’s hard to explain. I think the fact that people down here connect with my music means that Amanda is touring Australia from the end of they must be My People, so I’ve always gravi- January. Check out www.amandapalmer.net for tour dates. tated here. I feel like I have more in common with folks down

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Debate

Should overweight travellers pay for two seats?

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January 2011


Yes

by Fiona Spinks

A couple of weeks ago I travelled home for a quick weekend revitaliser. It came to an end all too soon, as these things do, and I subsequently found myself sitting in a middle seat, on a packed-out plane, between two very large (but lovely) women. By the time the small talk had subsided and we were settling in for the flight I was starting to feel really, really uncomfortable. Personally I have zero problems with people of a larger stature – that’s their business and I was brought up to see a person’s personality, not their face value. I’m no skinny minnie either. I am, for today’s standards, entirely average in size and height. However, being put in that position made me incredibly uneasy for two reasons. Firstly, I did not want to embarrass these lovely people, or myself, by making a scene and asking if I could move - and on a scan on my way back from the ladies I realised there were no free seats anyhow. Secondly, I was becoming more and more uneasy because of a growing pain in the left of my chest that I had no ability to stretch out or move into a more comfortable position. By the time I got off my flight I thought I was having a heart attack and was seeing stars due to the pain. I made an immediate appointment with my chiropractor hoping that it was my back and nothing more serious. After the grinding and crunching she sat me up and asked me just how I had managed to dislocate five ribs!!

Photo by Sarah Robertson

I don’t think it’s entirely socially moral to expect a larger person to pay for two seats. It is a touchy subject and these people are aware of their size. However, I pay the price for my ticket too and if I wish to check in excess baggage, I have to pay extra. These people do not pay more because of their size and often cause others a great discomfort, and in my case, injury, which cost me even more money for treatment. So when you get down to the coalface of it, I, regretfully, do believe that people who do not fit in one seat, should pay the price for two.

by Paul Smeaton

No

Fair-dinkum, when will this end? As if the sideways glances of disgust, the muttered jokes under the breath of passers-by and flat out abuse from halfwits isn’t enough, now we want to make discrimination against overweight people an official policy in air travel. I think it’s about time we accept people for who they are and not what they are. So let me guess, fat people can’t fit in the seats, they make it uncomfortable for anyone else around them, they need extendable seat belts. News Flash! They’ve heard it all before and they’re sick of it. But I’m a reasonable man so I have considered the proposal and come up with a few of suggestions of my own. I’ll agree to overweight people paying for two seats as soon as these other comfort measures are also introduced for the benefit of all air travelers. 1. All smokers have to wear face masks so as to not breathe their filthy breath onto adjoining passengers 2. All passengers with overwhelming B.O. will have to submit to a naked full body deodorant wash prior to boarding. 3. All babies are banned from air travel (for obvious reasons). 4. All commercial airlines will introduce a sound proof booth at the rear of their planes to house those annoying excessive talkers that interrupt my sleep. 5. All snorers are also banned (see point 3). I believe with a minimum of fuss all of the above measures can be introduced along with the suggested ‘you’re too fat policy’ and all travelers will have a much more pleasant flight experience. Sound silly? Sound discriminatory? Yes maybe you’re right, perhaps this is a little over the top. Maybe we’re looking at this issue from completely the wrong angle. Obesity rates have doubled in Australia in the last twenty years and recent statistics state that more than a third of Australia’s population is now considered overweight. Unless we all want to pay more for airfares when one third of travelers boycott air-travel due to excessive costs, perhaps it’s time we looked to the airlines to better service their clientele. Instead of discriminating against seven million Aussies, perhaps it’s time for the airlines to consider a rather radical solution. MAKE SOME BIGGER SEATS. Enough said.

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leaking by Kristian Hollins

T

he role of government in any democracy is really very simple. To act, foremost, on the will of the people and in the best interests of the state. But the governmental status quo in recent years has leant towards an attitude of “I know more than you and am in a better position to make decisions”, rather than one of representation. Politicians pride themselves on making hard, unpopular decisions, forgetting their place as the elected representatives of the people.

with aid from the editorial teams of some of the world’s most respected newspapers. This process ensures that some information, say, the name and position of an informant in the Iranian government, remains confidential. However, despite the ominous threats of government spokespeople, the release of diplomatic cables by Wikileaks has yet to prove damaging to physical security.

In fact, the cables have yet to really tell us anything we didn’t already know, but seem to rather What we see in Wikileaks is a snap back against provide semi-official, albeit unendorsed confirmathis attitude. A push for more open, accounta- tion of comments already in the public domain. ble and ultimately, representative governments Kevin Rudd was a media-addicted, micro-managwhich act in the will of the people, rather than er who didn’t follow normal political processes. the best interests of any particular party. French President Nickolas Sarkozy is vain, and While some question the actions of Wikileaks, few criticise their motives, as vocal opposition to the pursuit of a better democracy would not really be a vote-winner.

Russian Prime Minister Vladamir Putin is a selfobsessed power-monger (was it the bear wrestling without a shirt that gave it away?). The international community is worried about North But the question remains as to whether the Korea, Iran, and climate change. None of this is pursuit of such higher ideals justifies actions new, at least not to anyone who watched or read that could be considered irresponsible or po- the news in the last five years. tentially threatening to national security. Ultimately, if governments acted in the light of It is important to note that Wikileaks did un- day, with greater accountability and respect for dertake a comprehensive redaction process, the mandate of the people, organisations like Wikileaks would have no reason to exist.

8

January 2011


by Kristian Smith

Left: Photo by Sarah Robertson. Right: Image courtesy of Kristian Smith

E

very year it’s always the same. On December thirty-first I always get out of bed all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, like a squirrel on crack, ready for the night that’s supposed to be the party of the year. And every January first I always wake up sometime in the afternoon looking like road-kill, smelling like sparklers and feeling like the floor of a public toilet. And before you ask, no, I’ve never woken up on January one in a public toilet. Hungry Jacks is privately owned, so there. Now if Christmas is a time for giving, then New Years Eve is a time for not giving a fuck. Don’t believe me? Try getting a drink from the bar at 11:17 and back to your mates before they bust out some Auld Lang Sine. Well, unless you’re an above average looking female with at least a little cleavage showing. In fact, the only part of New Years Eve that it’s better to be a guy than a girl is the wait for the toilets. Admittedly though, it’s not much of a bonus. Because by 8pm, the male toilets have piss all over the floor, piss all over the seats and piss all over whatever toilet paper there is left.

One thing I do love about going out on New Years Eve, is the hours of uninterrupted quality time you get to spend with all your closest mates, and usually some other equally shitfaced randoms, while you’re waiting for a cab. Oh... You’ve got a taxi drivers mobile number? So do I. And so do a lot of other people. And maths wasn’t my strongest subject, and I’m certainly no Rocket Surgeon, but it’s highly doubtful that you and 37 mates can fit into one Maxi Taxi. At least, not without some Vaseline and a really big shoehorn. Or you’re all dressed as clowns. All I’m really trying to say is that New Years Eve rarely turns out like you planned. You may not have made it onto every VIP list or into every club. And you may not have showed up to all the pre-drinks, after-parties and post-after-parties that you said you would. And you may have fallen asleep beside a stunning blonde and woken up beside a golden retriever. And on the walk of shame home you may have been mistaken for Ziggy the Bagman. But just remember that after every New Years Eve, you’ve always got 51 weekends to practice for next year’s New Years.

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10

January 2011


Tatts Life by Paul Smeaton f Frank Sinatra were alive today there’s a fair chance he would have to change one of his famous standards from That’s Life to Tatt’s life. Tattoos have quickly become the must-have fashion accessory of the 21st century and nowhere is this trend more obvious than the world of professional sport. Possibly the world’s most famous sporting personality David Beckham is responsible for their growth in popularity. Beckham is photographed as much these days without a shirt on as he is wearing one and his upper body is becoming a shrine to ink work. Gone are the days when players would keep a picture of their kids in their wallet with growing numbers inking the children’s names or even portraits onto their body to express their feelings. Footballers are leading the way in Australia with the full sleeve tattoo growing in popularity. Collingwood’s Dane Swan has been leading the AFL player’s charge, sporting his full sleeve and spending the 2010 season developing the artwork on his other arm. His team-mate Dane Beams also sports a full sleeve albeit somewhat more colourful than his famous team-mates. Ben Cousins set tongues-a-wagging when he was arrested by police in 2007, half dressed and sporting a huge “Such is life” tattoo on his torso. The phrase, famously attributed as Ned Kelly’s last words had been adopted by the wayward AFL star as a badge of honour for fast living. Rugby League players are also advocates of this growing trend with Mat Rogers leading the charge of the sleevies. The prevalence of play-

Left: Photo by Sarah Robertson. Right: Image courtesy of Kristian Smith

I

ers from New Zealand and the Pacific region has meant tattoos of cultural significance permeate rugby league and union more than other codes. While all sportsmen are equal in the eyes of the tattoo artist there is no doubt in my mind that the NBA is ground zero for ink lovers. Rarely now can I watch a game and find a player on the court without a tattoo. Most of the game’s biggest stars have tatts but superstar Lebron James leads the charge. Of the many tattoos he wears, it is the word ‘Loyalty’ that proudly adorns the left side of his torso that has been the talking point recently. After walking out on the Cleveland Cavaliers last year to chase the money in Miami, James may be wishing that one was not so permanent. So if the NBA is the homeland of the tattooed sportsman then there can only be one king of this land. Take a bow, Dennis Rodman, you were ahead of your time. During the years Rodman tread the boards for the Detroit Pistons, Chicago Bulls and others, he was considered a bit of a weirdo as the poster child for piercings and ink. Oh Dennis, little did we know that you were simply a trail blazer for what was to follow. So the tattoo trend is here to stay, or is it? Is this simply another fashion trend that will go the way of flairs, disco and roller blades? Let’s hope not for the sake of this generation because while the back of my wardrobe hides away the fashion sins of my past I have a feeling it may be a bit harder to leave the ink there when you’re finished with it.

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by Sarah Robertson

K

ate and Steve are a regular couple who both work hard at their jobs in order to pay their first mortgage on a beautiful little home in the Melbourne suburbs. Working long days in the city, followed by a thirty minute tram ride home is draining; however it is generally forgotten about when they open their back door and are greeted by their much-loved dogs, Ralphy and Remi. Ralphy and Remi were raised separately in pre-

vious relationships, before Kate and Steve met; Ralphy a fluffy, affectionate Mini-Schnauzer cross and Remi a mid-sized, gentle and attractive Shelti. “The boys loved each other, they did everything together,” said Kate. “They were more than just dogs to us - we treated them like children.” The 8th of December 2010 was no regular evening for Kate and Steve. When they returned home like usual at 7pm, their expectant little friends weren’t bouncing at the side gate as usual.

Photos courtesy of Sarah Robertson

Is there a killer lurking in your neighbourhood?

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January 2011


“We called their names but they didn’t come,” said Kate through swallowed emotion. “We went around the side of the house and into the backyard to see where they were, and that’s when we found Remi.” Remi, their nine year old, arthritis suffering Shelti was lying motionless at the side of the house. Ralphy was nowhere to be seen. “I started screaming when I realised that Remi was dead. I think I may have thrown myself to the ground, I’m not sure. I have bruises on my knees,” said Kate. Within a few minutes their next-door-neighbour appeared in their yard and was apologising, telling them that his four dogs had ripped through the fence which separated their properties and killed their pets. “Steve asked where Ralphy was and he said he had him, but he wasn’t alive. He said that he had fixed the hole in the fence that his dogs had made so that we wouldn’t find them in our yard or see what state Ralphy was in,” said Kate. Ralphy, their seven year old, obedient and always happy Schnauzer had been dragged through the hole in the fence by four American Bulldogs and was in a state which will not be described in this article. “I remember screaming at the neighbour. Steve stepped in front of me and asked me to go inside. Steve just wanted Ralphy back. He wouldn’t let me look at him,” said Kate. After calling the Moreland City Council, Steve called a friend and asked him to come and help with the dogs. Kate was in no state to dig holes for their boys. “We buried them together,” she said. “They did everything together. Ralphy was wrapped in his favourite blanket and Remi was wrapped in my snuggie – he loved that snuggie...” The four unregistered American Bulldogs were taken away by the Moreland City Council, and their neighbour was issued with an offensive $200 fine for keeping more than two dogs on his property. Kate and Steve contacted lawyers regarding the dangerous dogs. After three letters from their lawyers, the Moreland City Council finally responded and notified them that due to no wit-

nesses - despite the teeth marks on the fence and the state of their dogs - they could not proceed with the case. The neighbour was fined a further $234 per dog for failure to register his dogs under the Domestic Animals Act. However, he opted to pay only two of these fines and had two of his dogs instead destroyed. No action was taken by the council against their neighbour for the death of their pets. Furthermore, Kate and Steve were never notified of the return of their neighbours vicious dogs, instead they were forced to witness through the fence. “Imagine if we had children and they had attacked them,” said Kate, “would the dogs be allowed to return if nobody saw? What happens when I want to have children, should I simply stop them from going outside? Kate and Steve are distraught. They are so outraged at Moreland City Council and their lack of concern over the malevolent killing of their pets that they plan (with the aid of their Lawyer), to fight back and take their case further to prevent further attacks taking place in their neighbourhood. They have started a Facebook site in order to gain support “Stop Moreland City Council from returning vicious dogs to their owners” [link]. To show your support against deadly dogs being released back into residential areas to possibly kill again, simply visit the page and click “like”.

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Shooting Melbourne

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January 2011


Photographer Vincent Long is taking to the streets of Melbourne shooting the Melbourne Thumbtack Project, armed with the humble iPhone.

Images courtesy of Vincent Long

How did the Melbourne Thumbtack project come about? Well I was wandering around shooting on the iPhone and really enjoying it so I thought I’d ‘share the love’ around.

What’s been your favourite shot? Hard to say. I like many of them for different reasons. When I look at them I can remember what I was doing right at that moment. Taking photos is my way of diarising.

When did it start? Do you go looking for your shots or do they Basically since I moved to Melbourne from Bris- find you? bane on November 1st, 2010. They find me, sometimes it’s like I ‘have to take them’. If walk past an opportunity without takWhat is it about Melbourne? ing a photo it can bug me for ages afterwards. What isn’t it? I guess it’s about exploring a new city and seeing things through fresh eyes. I do How long have you been shooting for? a lot of travel photography overseas but seldom A long, long time. Professionally in Australia do I get the chance to look at where I live so to since 1996. Before that, in Japan on and off for speak. three years. What do you like about using your iPhone? Check out the Melbourne Thumbtack project at It’s spontaneous, instant, and because my crea- www.facebook.com/MelbourneThumbtack. tive control is so limited, it in an odd way offers me more freedom. And it fits in my pocket.

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I met a real prince.. Disney lied.

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January 2011


By Dani Hanrahan

Images courtesy of Jillian Lauren

I

n the vein of Old Persian tales (circa One Thousand and One Nights), a royal harem seems as likely as magic carpets, bottled genies and swashbuckling Arab knights – basically, Aladdin. Not 21st Century sexual playpens for young American women to luxuriate in for the pleasure of a Sultan’s brother. But that’s where Jillian Lauren spent her late adolescent years. At 18, the Jewish kid from New Jersey swapped the bright, city lights of New York for the tropical terrain of the tiny oil-rich nation of Brunei; accepting a job offer to “entertain” the Sultan of Brunei’s decadent younger brother, Prince Jefri Bolkiah (aka the Hugh Hefner of Asia) in his private royal harem. From cash-strapped teen to international prostitute, Lauren’s life transformed within weeks; so what makes one dirt-poor young woman into a Coles check-out chick and another into a high-class hooker? From “shitty relationship with my father,” to “astrologically inevitable craving for adventure,” Lauren, now 36, revisits her fearless, if somewhat reckless, decision to fly halfway across the world to an exotic land of royalty, riches and tradition. In Some Girls: My Life in a Harem (Random House, $34.95) Lauren explores the past she left behind nearly twenty years ago. “I was drawn to writing a book about [living in a harem] be-

Jillian during her time working in a harem in Brunei. cause I wanted to explore the complexity of the experience,” she explains. “I had to get to a place in my life where I was stable enough to want to go and re-visit those times, which were glamourous - dresses, parties, cash– but more often dark emotional times for me.” With a preconceived fantasy of doing “the dance of the seven veils in a domed palace,” Lauren found that life in a royal harem was “surprisingly, routine.” The forty or so harem girls (plucked from America, the Philippines, Malaysia, Thailand and Indonesia) had the run of a large compound that she describes as “a tacky mini-palace” with “miles of Italian marble,” windows “smothered” with peach drapery and “three tissue boxes in every room, each with a decorative gold cover.” At least life was luxurious. By day, the girls had all the amenities of a 5-star resort. By

night, it was party time. And it was here, after 10pm, that Prince Jefri, or as he liked to be called, Robin, would make his entrance. “Everything was a show put on for Robin, an audience of one,” writes Lauren. “The men, even his closest friends, were his paid playfellows as much as the women were.” Robin was the perfect Disney imitation of Prince Charming, complete with “Errol Flynn moustache” and “hint of villainy.” But it was his “Midas touch” that inevitably made the young women fall for him – American punk-rock teen included. “It never felt like a job when I was there,” Lauren admits. “It started to feel like life; like that was my real life. There were times in which my relationship with [Robin] really looked like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship – in a very rarefied setting.

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Initially it was surprising that I had emotions for him, but not overall. Overall, it felt pretty normal.” It even became normal for Lauren to base her self-worth on the whims of one man: “I wasn’t raised to really serve somebody, and essentially that’s what I was doing,” she says. “Everything I did hinged on his whims; my success or my failure or my happiness, depended on my standing in his eyes. It wasn’t ever what I expected of myself; I was, and am, a big feminist. But it was also fascinating to me. I was spending time with a man who I had to bow down to (his head was lower than mine!) and I had to bow to walk by him. That truly felt like being in a different world.” But Lauren wasn’t alone in her feelings for the Prince, and sizing up your competition became as much a form of entertainment, as a survival instinct. As she explains, “The parties were

a petri dish, ideal conditions to breed fierce intimacies and fiercer resentments.” It may have been cutthroat, but it did make the teen wiser and richer – a whole lot richer. Not

to Singapore – home of lots, and lots, and lots of designer goodies. Lauren accepted, returning with “fifteen identical suitcases” full of Chanel, Dior, Gucci, Versace, Hermes and Ar-

I had severed the connection between my soul and my body so profoundly that I could barely feel my own skin anymore. only was there an undisclosed cash “gift” once a girl left, but the more tangibly satisfying gains of jewellery and designer digs. On one such occasion, Lauren was chosen by the Prince’s favourite to go on an all-expenses paid shopping trip

mani concoctions worth more than anything she’d owned in her life. A quick raid of Lauren’s closet now, and you’d be hard-pressed to spot a designer gem – the handbags all went to her son’s babysitter (“I was like, ‘You Jillian with husband Scott and son Tariku.


Images courtesy of Jillian Lauren

Jillian with Tariku.

son

take this Chanel bag from the ‘90s. I can’t pull this off anymore”) and her dresses have all but disappeared, except for the canary-yellow Chanel dress – that, she’s saving for her granddaughter’s prom. Like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, Lauren’s vacuous daily routine of parties, pampering and the prince started to take its toll on her wellbeing, and sanity. “Beautiful clothes and money aren’t everything,” she says. “They won’t give you a sense of self, or meaning, but if you are missing all that other stuff, they really don’t do too much for you. I thought, “What am I doing here?” all the time, until eventually I left.” After 18 months of her on-again/offagain “employment” with Brunei’s reigning monarchs, Lauren went home. But the “happily ever after” didn’t come easy. Battling substance abuse, relationship trials and a diminishing back account, Lauren hit rock-bottom: “I had severed the connection

between my soul and my body so profoundly that I could barely feel my own skin anymore,” she writes. But, like all good Disney fairytales, a happy ending is never far away. Lauren picked up the pieces, glued herself back together, and met her very own Prince Charming. “My life has been an embarrassment of riches,” she says. “I’m so happy with my husband (Weezer bassist, Scott Shriner), my son (Tariku), my home and my career (successful writing chops) that yeah, I’d do it all over again.” After dreaming of Hollywood stardom on stage, Lauren can thank Brunei for giving her the leverage to write. Since publishing Some Girls (now a New York Times Bestseller), Lauren is gearing up for her first novel – Pretty (out this year) about Bebe Baker, an ex-everything

(ex-Christian, ex-stripper, exdrug addict) who, after surviving a car crash that killed her boyfriend, tries to complete her last two weeks of “vocationalrehab cosmetology school.” When one door closes, another always seemingly opens. What began as an opportunity to entertain a foreign Prince, ended as a much-needed life lesson in self-discovery. “The Prince was allowed four wives and he had only three,” Lauren writes. “So the subtext for all the vindictive vying between the girls in Brunei was that the prize might be a crown. The game was this: Transcend all assumptions, transcend all invisible hierarchies, inspire the love that conquers all and you can turn from step-daughter of the world – Thai teenage hooker, aging Playmate, flailing actress, retail slave, delusional rock slut – to princess. From duck to swan with a nod of his head.” Could she have lived out the fairytale for real? “No. I never lost myself quite that far. I’m still somebody who has treasured their freedom, and it would mean trading my freedom for luxury – that would have been a trade that I w o u l d never be willing to make.”

Jillian’s first book Some Girls: My Life In A Harem is available from www.borders.com. au.

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by Kyla Sorenne

J

x

anuary can be the time of the year when we set goals, dream big and plan for a more fulfilling lifestyle. It can also be a time of extreme methods of self-discipline, self-torture, and self-loathing. If you have worked hard, partied harder and slept little over the past month; if a bathing suit, pencil skirt or your favourite jeans are fast becoming overwhelming experiences in avoidance measures, there is an easier way to bounce back after the Christmas break and really make 2011 a year of high energy: detox with fresh juice! Basically our body systems are doing one thing everyday before lunch: detoxing - or trying to! You can help this process along by only having water rich foods from 4am until midday. It will cause you to feel full of energy due to having no bulky foods to digest, but also help your body to detox any waste from the previous 12 hours. If having a hearty breakfast is the advice of your Grandma, and you regularly partake in eggs and bacon, or toast and coffee, perhaps think about taking January off to detox with fresh fruits and juice until lunch time. Juicing is a fairly intense form of detox and hot weather is the best time of the year to do it. Detoxing helps the body to get rid of excess toxins, which are slowing down the work of your internal organs, and allows them to bounce back from all those bad foods, late nights, cigarettes and alcohol. Clean, light and more mobile than a Special Forces Infiltration Unit, fresh juice digests in the intestinal tract, not the stomach, and charges


through your system in 30 minutes like an express train. Fruit contains the energy the body uses to sustain its life-systems. Your brain runs on nothing but glucose, and fruit is your most efficient source of this essential blood sugar. Besides, your hunger switch is turned off after adequate fruit consumption, which helps you eat less food overall. Juicing can be a great way to help the body stay trim and healthy. If you find that you are suffering from bad breath, constipation, diahorrea, an upset stomach after eating, noticeable sweating, reflux, circulatory issues, skin problems such as eczema, or sudden weight gain, all of these issues point to the body being overwhelmed by toxins. Detox with fresh juice and fruits each day from waking until midday and help your body eliminate this build up. If you must eat something solid afterwards, I recommend waiting 30 mins so as not to upset the detox process. Be sure to always consult a doctor to discuss your individual circumstances before making changes to your diet.

A Little Liver Healing The liver is the largest organ in the body. It is located on the right side of the abdomen behind the lower ribs. The liver performs more than 400 functions each day to keep the body healthy. Some of its major jobs include: converting food into nutrients the body can use (like making bile to help break down fats); storing sugars, iron, and vitamins for later use by the body; making the proteins needed for normal blood clotting; removing or chemically changing drugs, alcohol, and other substances that may be harmful or toxic to the body. Liver Healing Juice 1 Orange peeled 2 Carrots unpeeled 1 Apple (green or red) unpeeled 1 small Fresh Beet ½ Cucumber

Easy Digestion Organs that make up the digestive tract are the mouth, oesophagus, stomach, small intestine, large intestine—also called the colon— rectum, and anus. When you eat foods—such as bread, meat, and vegetables—they are not in a form that the body can use as nourishment. Food and drink must be changed into smaller molecules of nutrients before they can be absorbed into the blood and carried to cells throughout the body. Digestion is the process by which food and drink are broken down into their smallest parts so the body can use them to build and nourish cells and to provide energy. This process is impeded by excess fats, cholesterol, meats, sugars, processed foods & gluten. Calm Tummy Juice 2 x Pears – unpeeled 1 x Apple - unpeeled 1 x Cucumber - unpeeled 1/2 x Rockmelon (Cantaloupe) skinned

The Happy Heart Your heart is vital to your health. Your blood carries the oxygen and nutrients that your organs need to work normally. Blood also carries carbon dioxide, a waste product, to your lungs to be passed out of your body and into the air. A healthy heart supplies the areas of your body with the right amount of blood at the rate needed to work normally. If disease or injury weakens your heart, your body’s organs won’t receive enough blood to work normally. Happy Heart Juice 2 sticks of Celery 2 Carrots unpeeled 2-3 Slices of fresh pineapple/ or fresh watermelon ½ Lemon Small nob of Fresh Ginger to taste

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by Paul Smeaton ow many tourists can you fit it a tuk-tuk? No it’s not the opening line to a joke, it is in fact a legitimate scientific experiment conducted by myself and nine mates during a recent sojourn to Phuket. Ten, it turns out is the answer; as long as one of them drives! This was just one of the many episodes of extreme silliness that occurred on my short, but just long enough, bloke’s trip to the famous Thai holiday spot. Now, as this was my first Thai adventure I was keen to explore everything that Phuket has to offer but unfortunately I momentarily forgot that this was not your normal beach holiday. Instead this was merely an opportunity for ten, 40 odd year old blokes to leave the trouble and strife and tin lids at home and pretend to be 18 again, if only for a few days. Yes it was time to dust off my drinking hat for the official “Phuket we’re 40 Tour”. This was a celebration of manhood for mates who have all remained in contact since school graduation all those years ago. From the moment we arrived

H many

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Images courtesy of Paul Smeaton

travel I realised we would not to be disappointed. At around 50-60 baht (approx $2 Aussie) for a beer, there was little chance of the liver getting a break on this trip. For those who haven’t been, travelling in Phuket (specifically Patong Beach) is like many Asian destinations where western tourists can’t walk five metres down the street without a sales pitch. Perhaps it is best summed up by examining one specific T-Shirt sold by many of the local vendors. It reads: “No I don’t want a (expletive) Tuk-Tuk, a DVD, a massage or a suit but thanks for asking”. In a nutshell if you love shopping then Phuket is the place for you. Notice how a lot of the clothes you buy in Australia say “Made in Thailand”? Well why not go straight to the source. Clothes, DVD/ CD’s, shoes, sunglasses and just about everything else you may want is available in Phuket. Oh yeah, if you like brand names and don’t want to pay for the real thing then this place will be heaven for you. I know this is the only time I’ve owned two pairs of Oakley and two pairs of RayBan sunglasses at the same time. One of my favourite experiences of the tour was my shopping trips to the beach. That’s right when you go for a dip; remember to take your wallet because the bargains come straight to you. Three bucks to hire a banana lounge with beach umbrella all day, and in between dips in the surf you can shop your day away. Apart from the beer delivered straight to your banana lounge (my favourite part), clothes, sunnies, novelties, you name it, you can buy it all from travelling vendors, all while laying around soaking up the sun. Now I don’t want to big note myself but after only hours walking the beat in Phuket I discovered I was a real live ladies man. Despite my extra kilos, hairy back and dopey appearance I was beating them off with a stick. Now I know what you’re thinking; fat white guy, even fatter wallet, but I’m sure it was my winning personality. OK maybe I’m wrong but at least let me pretend for a while. Bangla Rd, Patong Beach was ground zero for our intrepid crew and delivered four nights of

cheap beer, drinking challenges involving apprentice carpentry and flashbacks to my childhood by playing ‘Connect Four’ with the local bar girls. This street is a cross between Brisbane’s Queen St mall, Amsterdam’s red light district and the Sydney Easter Show all rolled in together and on heat. Lads, you’ll never drink alone here because female company is only a drink away. Enough said on that one. Massages are the order of the day all over the island with all types on offer from sensual oil massages to traditional Thai massages which can leave you so battered and bruised you question why you went in the first place. Many others variations also exist but I’ll leave the details to your imagination and internet browser. We did manage to fit in a couple of excursions in between foolhardy behaviour. The highlight would

I discovered I was a real live ladies man. Despite my extra kilos, hairy back and dopey appearance I was beating them off with a stick. have to be the Phi Phi Island tour. Most famous for being the backdrop to the Leonardo DiCaprio’s film “The Beach”, Phi Phi and its surrounding islands is a sight to behold with its crystal clear water and towering rock faces rising from the ocean floor. Best of all was the price. A full day trip by speedboat with four separate stops, snorkelling, feeding monkeys, lunch and some of the best photo opportunities ever, set us back a miserly $30 each. All in all, Phuket has something for everyone with pretty much everything from food, drink, clothes and entertainment proving affordable for Aussie tourists. The locals are particularly friendly and if you’re not bothered by a constant ear bashing from street vendors or the prevalence of members of Phuket’s late night economy then I think you’ll have a ball here. I will definitely be heading back, after all as the only member of my travelling troupe to defeat a local at ‘Connect Four’, I have a title to defend.

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featured artist

Images courtesy of Elisabeth Harvey.

Elisabeth Harvey is a professional photographer who runs her own business in Brisbane. Elisabeth has been photographing professionally for the last four years and enjoys spending most of her time dabbling in the world of fashion. Her series, recently shot for local Brisbane fashion label Le Poer Trench [link] exhibits much of her strengths as a professional photographer. “The clothes have a really free-spirited, romantic kind of feel and we were trying to capture that feeling in the images. We spent a lovely day wondering around the designers’ family farm at Pullenvale and got some lovely images,” said Elisabeth. Elisabeth’s work can be viewed on her website www.elisabethharvey.com and is also available for purchase.

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Matt Walters

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by Sarah Robertson

entertainment

Matt Walters is a Melbourne based singer/songwriter whose sound has the ability to leave warm little heart-shaped marks on your soul. When did you start making music? I started writing songs when I was about 11. The moment I heard Nirvana Unplugged in New York I had the desire to write songs and use my voice. It was well and truly above and beyond me then. The first song I wrote was called “Not Me”. I don’t think it was about anything. It might have been about my Mother. What else does an 11 year old write about? Where did you grow up? I was born in Melbourne, then lived in Brisbane for six years. Then I lived in Vanuatu for two years - that experience was very formative and gave me a very unique perspective on things pretty early. I see now that moving to a remote French colony on an island in the Pacific was a pretty amazing thing for a young person. When I came back to Melbourne and returned to school I was never able to see things quite the same way. People laughed at me for not wanting to wear shoes (I’d gotten so used to it in Vanuatu). Or, I never had a cool answer to “What’s your favourite band?” I just listened to my parents records. Thankfully, they had impeccable taste.

Image courtesy of Matt Walters

Have you studied music? I had a few guitar lessons but nothing very formal. I learnt to play initially by listening to and learning my favourite songs. For a while there, if I loved a song, I had to learn how to play it. When I was into Metallica, I forced myself to learn Kirk Hammett’s guitar solo in “One”. I was a bit nerdy about the guitar. That was before I got serious about writing. Now I see the guitar, or any instrument as a tool to write my songs. What music influences you? It’s changing every day. I just love great songs. It really doesn’t matter about style or genre. At the moment I’m listening (a little obsessively) to a Scottish band from the 80’s called The Blue Nile. It’s this gorgeous, lush synth pop that never really found a wider audience. It’s the band that influenced Phil Collins among many others. At the moment I’m loving Talk Talk’s “Spirit of

Eden” too. Probably in my top 5 of all time. I keep going back to it. I love music that feels human and instinctive, over music that seems to be driven by an intellectual motive. You have a new album coming out, when can we expect it? My debut album comes out on March 25th 2011. It’s a folk/pop record essentially. I love it. It was produced by Paul Mckercher (Sarah Blasko, Augie March), Francois Tetaz (Bertie Blackman, Gotye) and Scott Horscroft (The Panics, Birds of Tokyo). They are my favourite producers in this country. I was in very good hands!. Do you always play solo - minus the collaboration with Megan Washington on “I Would Die For You” - or have you got a few more joint ventures up your sleeve? I tour as a duo at the moment; a keys player accompanies me. I can’t wait to get the band going and take them on the road. I get jealous of bands when I’m on the road, I want to hang out with my friends and share the whole experience. I plan on a joint venture soon. Also on my record, my favourite singer in the world Kim Richey sings on three songs. Kim is a Nashville based singer/ songwriter who has appeared on some of my favourite records. I decided I wanted to play music professionally when I heard Ryan Adams sing “Come pick me up” - Kim does the back up harmony on that song. I was very excited when I ran into her! I was like, “we need to sing together! I’ve always thought we would sound great!” We ended up writing a whole bunch of songs together; she’s a special lady if I ever met one. Is there anyone you’d love to do a song with? I’d love to do something with Paul Dempsey. I’d love to collaborate with Bertie Blackman too. She’s another favourite of mine. Of course, Emmylou Harris isn’t out of the question is she? Check Matt out at www.myspace.com/mattwaltersmusic.

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Images by Sarah Robertson

Summer salads

Summer 2010/2011 isn’t proving to be the warmest nor sunniest of all the Summers I have ever known. However, it is still Summer and it wouldn’t be my favourite season without salad. Below are four quick and easy to prepare salads which are great to enjoy as an entire meal, or to serve as a side with your favourite dish. Mix these salads up with different salad dressings to enjoy time and time again throughout the rainy season.

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Smoked Salmon and Bocconcini Salad (right) • • • • • • • • • • • • •

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100g smoked salmon slices 4x red grape tomatoes 4x orange grape tomatoes 3x marinated bocconcini ¼ small Spanish onion sliced thinly 1 tsp capers 1 wedge lemon 1 handful crushed pecans 1 handful of fresh baby rocket 1 tbsp cottage cheese 1 sprig of spring onion A dash of balsamic vinegar A dash of good quality olive oil

January 2011

1. Arrange rocket on your favourite serving plate, top with onion and walnuts. 2. Slice tomatoes in half and arrange beside rocket mix. 3. Roll salmon slices and place on top of rocket mix, top with capers. 4. Spoon cottage cheese and bocconici onto the plate. 5. Arrange wedge of lemon and dress tomatoes with balsamic vinegar. 6. Top salmon with olive oil and serve.


food & drink

Fruit, Nut and Sprout Salad (left) • 1 tub Alfalfa • 1 carrot • 100g fresh trail mix

1. Toss all ingredients together. 2. Mix your favourite salad dressing through the salad and arrange on your favourite bowl or plate. 3. Enjoy.

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Roasted Root Vegetable Salad (right) • • • • • • • •

½ pumpkin 1 sweet potato 3 shallots 2 carrots 4 stalks of broccolini 1 red capsicum A pinch of sliced almonds Good quality olive oil

1. Turn oven up to 180°c. 2. Coat the base of a baking tray with olive oil and place inside the oven (you want the olive oil to be hot before you put the vegetables in so that they absorb less of the liquid and gain a crispy exterior).

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3. Cut pumpkin, potato and carrots into similar sized cubes. Peel onions and cut in half and slice capsicums into large chunks, making sure seeds have been removed. 4. Toss all chopped vegetables in a small amount of oil and then season with salt and pepper. 5. Place root vegetables in the baking tray, adding shallots and capsicum when they are half cooked. 6. Whilst vegetables are roasting, blanch broccolini in boiling water. 7. Once cooked, toss vegetables together, arrange atop broccolini stalks and dress with sliced almonds. Serve.


Grilled Capsicum and Black Grape Salad (left) • • • • • • •

1 red fancy lettuce head 200g red cabbage 100g whole walnuts 40g Danish feta ½ large red capsicum 1 bunch black grapes Good quality olive oil

1. Cut capsicum in half, make sure all seeds have been removed, brush with olive oil and then grill – skin side up. Allow capsicum to cool. 2. Rinse lettuce under water, drain and then arrange neatly on a nice serving platter.

3. Slice cabbage thinly and then arrange on top of lettuce. 4. Sprinkle walnuts, feta and half the grapes on top of the cabbage (make sure when removing the grapes that you take them from the top half of the bunch, leaving bottom still attached). 5. Arrange remainder of grapes in one corner of the platter for presentation purposes. 6. Place cooled capsicum neatly in the centre of the salad. 7. Dress with your favourite salad dressing and serve.

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Q. What’s your favourite accessory? by Sarah Robertson

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Images by Sarah Robertson

“My favourite accessory is this cute headband I got in Japan. Being gold I can pretty much wear it with anything. I think every girl should have at least one headband tucked away somewhere to spruce up an outfit or just brighten their day.� - Laurie

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“I got this handbag at a Witch Market in La Plaz, Bolivia. I love it - not only because it is beautiful, but also because it has a story. People should spend more time purchasing things that actually mean something to them.� - Rachel

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“My parents bought me this necklace, which also doubles as a clock, from The Laneways in Melbourne. I wear it everyday and love that not only is it a piece of art, but I don’t have to wear a watch.” - Anne

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“I got these boots in Las Vegas so that I could pimp up the strip. They are the greatest thing I have ever bought. Every man should own a pair of boots!� - Phil

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“My sister bought me this ring for my birthday. It is the perfect accompaniment to dress up any outfit.� - Brenda

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Images courtesy of Kavitha Murthi

Jewelry Deli Founder of JewelryDeli, Kavitha Murthi, says it was an overwhelming desire to be creative which lead to designing jewellry. “My husband thinks I have OCD – Obsessive Creative Disorder,” she says. Following working on various mediums including pottery painting, folk art and interiors for ten years, she started working with jewellry design when she came to Australia. Kavitha launched JewelryDeli to create a line that was daily wear, simple and affordable. Visit http://www.etsy.com/shop/JewelryDeli.

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Beauty Spot H

by Kelly Forbes

appy New Year everybody! Summer has well and truly kicked in and for me it only means three things; beach, barbeques and parties! Jump into summer with a splash and prepare for a whole lot of fun!

All Natural When you’re getting-your-tanon during the January holidays, full coverage make up can be way too heavy for the day. When you’re out and about during Summer time, for example at the beach, a natural face is all you need. The best make up look? A touch of compact powder and stroke of mascara gently put on after your sunscreen has set in. No one will ever notice! Australis Pressed Power (shown in Natural, $11.95) is a light powder that can actually range from light to heavy coverage.

Sparkle Fingers It’s the little things, especially when it comes to beauty, and one tiny aspect that can lift a whole look is your nails. Instead of going for your average French tip for a polished look, lash out and wear colour with a bit of sparkle! There are many on the market at the moment but the biggest surprise for me was ‘Disco Ball’ from BYS, which not only gives you a mirror-mirroron-the-wall effect but is very durable! BYS nail polish in ‘Disco Ball’, $5.00

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Slip, slop, slap and smooch? No matter how annoying the slogan may be, it is one of the most important tunes you could ever know. But perhaps there is a little extra missing from the slogan? One of the most important things you can do in the sun is protect your lips, not only to avoid chapping but to prevent cancer. The Cancer Council has created a genius product; a SPF 30+ lip gloss that not only protects and makes your lips extra soft, but also comes in four colours! The white-zinc-on-your-lips look that our Cricketers sport will never be in fashion... ever. The Cancer Council SPF 30+ Lip Gloss Clear, 15ml, $10.95.

Shimmer Me Timbers It’s that time of year when dressing for an outing can get a little confusing. It’s too hot to accessories with many things, but then your outfit looks boring. Well when fashion can’t help you, the beauty department will! Turn the attention away from your clothes and onto your skin! Exfoliate every few nights and use lots of moisturiser every night to ensure your skin is at its healthiest! To add a little extra for the night, use a shimmering product to make your skin truly radiant. Palmers Cocoa Butter Formula Body Gloss, $7.95


short story

In My Head by Hayley Beck

T

his side will be better. If I just put my arm up under my pillow... Am I sleeping yet? No. This isn’t working. Maybe the other side was better. If I just roll over onto my stomach, I’ll definitely fall asleep. See, its working. I’m getting tired. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep… Shit. Damn it, I forgot to ask Craig if I could borrow that book. My essay! It’s due soon… Maybe I should… NO! No thoughts... Just sleep. Sleep. Sleep. One sheep. Two sheep. Three sheep. Four sheep. Five sheep... What idiot thought that counting sheep would put someone to sleep? “BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!” Go away! I swear I only just fell asleep; it can’t be 9am already. Up I get. Oh, this is the worst bit; feet on the cold floor. Just do it. It’s such a long walk to the shower. Why does it take so long for the water to get warm? Ok... I feel warmth. Oh yes. Amazing. I feel like I could stay in here all day. Should I shave? I really can’t be bothered. Screw it. Far out, my arm muscles are totally gone, I have NO definition anymore; I shouldn’t have given up football. Ok water off. Towel. ARGH! Towel is still in my bedroom. Probably crumpled up, still wet, on the floor. Please don’t let anyone be home to see me naked. Where is it? Where is it? There, in the corner. You’d think I’d learn. What am I going to wear? I’ll go jeans and a hoodie. Who am I trying to impress? Well… Only her. No milk. Of course. That rules out cereal, and tea. What’s the time? Crap, I’ve got to run; I’m

going to be late for the bus. I can’t miss the bus. I can’t miss her. No more seats left except for the one next to me. Her stop is next. There she is. She looks amazing. How can she make trackies and a plain white t-shirt look so damn sexy? I feel like a creep. I see her everyday and I don’t even know her name. Don’t be too obvious, act cool. Shit, I should take my earphones out before she gets on. Ok I’m cool. My heart is beating so fast, I feel like I’m going to vomit. How can someone I don’t even know make me feel this way? Ok, she’s getting on, validating her ticket, looking around for the only spare seat. She’s seen it. Oh God, I’m staring. Look away. She’s coming over. She’s so beautiful. She’s looking at me! Oh God, she’s smiling at me. She’s sitting next to me. She’s about an inch from my leg. Calm down. My palms, why the hell are they so sweaty? Say something, say something! If I wait too long it will just be weird. What the hell am I going to say? Argh... I’m leaving it too long. Say something! “Weather…” “Pardon?” “Uh.. heh.. the weather, it’s so grey.” …You absolute dick head. “Yeah, it is.” She thinks I’m a complete idiot. What the hell was I thinking? The weather is grey? GREY!!?? Grey is not a weather forecast, moron. Say something else. Don’t leave it like this.

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short story

“You on your way into uni?” “Yeah.” Of course she is, God I’m a tit. “What are you studying?” “I’m doing behavioural science over at the East Campus.” Oh shit. She knows. She’s doing behavioural science. She knows by the way I’m behaving that I’m obsessed. How embarrassing. “Oh, that sounds interesting.” Oh shit, I hope I didn’t sound sarcastic just then. “Yeah it is, most of the time. What are you studying?” She’s asking me questions; this is good. This is very good. Am I staring too much? I can’t stop looking at her eyes. She’s wonderful. She’s perfection. “I’m doing a BA, majoring in Philosophy.” “Oh cool, do you know someone called Benji in there?” Probably her boyfriend... “No I don’t think so; it’s a pretty full course. It’s so hard to know everyone by name.” “Yeah I know what you mean.” Now what? What can I say now? She doesn’t seem uninterested or anything. She’s nice. She’s friendly. “What does Benji look like?” “Uh, he’s got longish blonde hair, tall, darkish skin.” Oh excellent, I’m competing against a freaking Ken doll. “Maybe I’d know him if I saw him. I’ve seen you

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on the bus before, but never seen you at uni; do you spend most of your time over at the East Campus?” Am I being creepy? “Yeah, I mainly hang out at the cafeteria over there. I’m only really at uni for lectures and tutorials though – I don’t have many free periods, so I don’t hang around a lot.” How cute. Everything she says is cute. Am I smiling too much? I wish I knew what she was thinking. Quick, we’re almost there; say something else. “Yeah I’m like that too. Well I’ll be sure to say g’day if I ever see you up there.” Am I coming on too strong? “That would be nice” Oh when she smiles it makes me feel like my chest is on fire. She’s getting up... “I’ll see you around... what was your name?” Oh she wants to know my name. There is a God. “I’m Sam.” “I’m Lucy. It was nice to meet you Sam.” “You, too.” That smile could kill a thousand armies. This is her stop. Don’t stare. Oh shit. She’s looking back at me. I feel like a wave of pins and needles is sweeping through my entire body. I need to know her. I need to be close to her. I will die if I don’t see her again. Shit Sam, snap out of it! Lucy. Lucy. Lucy. I want to see her now. Maybe because we’ve broken the ice by talking to each other, it won’t be weird and we can form some sort of friendship. Of course I want more,


short story

but you’ve got to start somewhere. I can’t stop thinking of us exchanging phone numbers, messaging each other late at night, her coming over to watch movies... “Hey Sam... did you understand the bit about... Hey Sam... SAM!!!” And I’m back in the room. “What?” “You’re out of it this morning. What’s on your mind? Lucy. “Nothing, I’m just tired.” Can time go any slower? Maybe after the tutorial I might swing by East Campus? Just quickly. Why not. No harm in doing that… “Read chapter 8 by next tute and I’ll see you all next Thursday.” I’m definitely heading over there now… wait. Stop. Just stop. That’s too much. This is coming on way too strong. What if she just meant it as a passing comment? It would be totally creepy if I actually ran into her TODAY on the day she said to say “Hi” if I was ever up her way. STALKER! No I can’t. I’ll wait. There’s never been any harm in waiting. I’ve waited this long already haven’t I? A little longer won’t make any difference. So here I am, East Campus. I might not even run into her. I’ve always wanted to check out the East Campus Library. Who the hell am I trying to kid? Where is she? What the HELL am I doing here? This is not what normal people do. I’m just going to leave. This is not doing me any good. “Hello again, Sam.”

Holy shit, it’s her! “Oh… hey! I didn’t see you there. I was just, uh, up here to get a book from the library.” I have officially made an arse of myself. Congratulations. “Oh cool, did you get it then…?” “Uh nah, I um… forgot my library card.” Are you serious?! Come on! You idiot! “Oh, ok.” She’s smiling, she knows I’m lying. She can tell I’m nervous. I’m going red. Do something; anything. Screw it, you could not make this situation any more awkward so just leave, turn around and leave, walk away, just walk away and don’t look back. “Ok, I’d better go, see you later Lucy.” GO! I have humiliated myself enough for one day. I’m just going to keep walking, don’t look back… “Sam wait, you dropped something...” SHIT! It’s my wallet; it must’ve fallen out of that loose pocket in my backpack. Oh no she’s picking it up. NO. NO. NO. She’s looking inside, she’s about to see my library card sitting there in my wallet and know I am lying. She’s smiling. She’s seen it. She knows. What’s she going to think? What’s she going to say? Oh no. She’s getting my library card out. “Well it looks like I found your library card Samantha Jane Larson. Now, how about you stop being such a wuss and ask me out?” Speechless...

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biscuit magazine - issue four