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ISSUE 5 MUNSTER, MARCH, 2008

The Whipping Post FREE


W

hy on earth should you care? We lucky Irish will be the only European citizens to have the referendum, we’ll be voting on behalf of 450 million people which is quite a responsibility. The eyes of the world will be upon us and the government is hoping we won’t fuck it up for them. Desmond Ahern, the minister for Foreign Affairs said recently that “a rejection of the treaty would cause a crisis in Europe and would damage Irelands interests”, unfortunately, for the government ministers it is for us to decide. We have already agreed on EEC accession, the Maastricht treaty and the treaties of Amsterdam and Nice, the government is heralding the Lisbon treaty as a natural progression to make a more streamlined and efficient EU apparatus. The only problem is that the Lisbon treaty is ridiculously hard to comprehend, Ireland’s referendum commission which is the body responsible for informing the public about the content and implications of referenda has asked for more time “to grasp this complex and many sided treaty”. The government however has gone ahead and launched the summary guide to the treaty of Lisbon, a decidedly biased Yes campaign booklet which is not available in shops, has yet to be distributed to libraries, but can be ordered for the princely sum of 42 euro. It seems almost as if they don’t want us to know the contents of the treaty. A recent Irish Times /tns mbi poll highlighted the position of the ordinary voter, when asked “how will you vote in the referendum to ratify the Lisbon Treaty” 26% said Yes, 10% said No, whereas a whopping 64% of those polled hadn’t a clue what the whole thing was about. 68% of those asked were dissatisfied with their level of knowledge of the treaty. It seems a combination of ignorance, apathy and coercion could see the government through. Two features of the Lisbon treaty which have sparked the most debate are the changes to the position of EU president and the implications of Irish neutrality. The treaty would create a more identifiable figurehead in the EU president, elected by majority vote of the EU council. The new presidency would have a two and a half year term; this would

Lisbon Treaty European politics to be precise is a subject banal enough to drive even the most well intentioned individual to tears of boredom. This trend however may be interrupted over the next three months by the upcoming referendum to ratify the treaty of Lisbon, successor to the failed EU constitution which is to be held either on the 29th of May or the 4th of June. replace the current system where each country takes turns in holding the presidency for 6 months. The current president of the council is Janez Jansa the Slovenian prime minister who will pass the baton on to Sarkozy of France. This is a quaint democratic system, letting the little countries have their time in the spotlight, who wants Bertie , Tony Blair or Silvio Berlisconi ruling over Europe for two and a half years? The military consequences of the Lisbon Treaty have sparked the most debate in recent weeks, the treaty would extend the range of tasks EU forces may perform in Europe and beyond in ‘military advice tactics and supporting third world countries in combating terrorism in their countries’, this is such an ambiguous statement that it could include any form of military operation.

IGNORANT, APATHY, COERCION COULD SEE THE GOVERNMENT THROUGH

The government argues that the Common Foreign and Security Policy included in the treaty has to be implemented and voted for unanimously and as such does not threaten Irelands sacred neutrality, many wars however have begun with good intentions. The Treaty of Lisbon stipulates that each member state must undertake progressively to improve their military capabilities; you can imagine Willie O’Dea salivating at the prospect of acquiring more toys to play with come next budget.

The Nice treaty ’02 means that Ireland cannot enter a common defence pact unless agreed to via (yet another referendum), article 11 of the Lisbon Treaty however states that, and bear with me, ‘the unions competence in the matter of defence and foreign policy and all questions relating to the unions security including the progressive framing of a common policy which might lead to a common defensive strategy. The Irish government is bound by European law; hence the European Commission could challenge the Irish government to meet its stated commitments. Do we really trust our elected representatives to outsource our defence policy? For a time the government wished to hold a second referendum on the same day as the Lisbon Treaty vote to criminalise adults who have sex with children in all circumstances, the wording and timing of this caused an uproar with Children at Risk in Ireland (CARI), Barnardos, Children’s Rights Alliance and numerous other support organisations. The government backed down eventually agreeing to hold the children’s rights referendum next year, the episode raised a few eyebrows in Europe, many amazed it wasn’t already illegal in Ireland for some farmer to rape his 14 year old neighbour only to be acquitted because ‘I swear I thought she was 17 your honour’. The taoiseach has called the No vote campaigners ‘the same tired old interests retelling the same old myths’, and he is right, Sinn Fein, Kathy Sinnott, People before profit alliance, Vote no.ie (Socialist Workers Party) and a few nutters called Libertas comprise the meagre no campaign who want the Eu to reassess the treaty and halt the steamrolling of policy above their reach. Labour M.E.P. Prionsias de Rossa said they are ‘ in a

nationalist time warp, refusing to accept trans-national decision making. The Yes campaign has spent more time deriding their opponents than actually educating us as to why we should vote yes for them, asked about the No campaigners Bertie mused’ if that is what they think, fine. If that is what they think then I think they are insane, but they should say what they believe’ With the polarisation of the Yes/No campaign between the conservative mainstream and the ‘oh god not them again’ left, it leaves a sizable gap for the average apathetic voter to decide, not quite eurosceptic but wary. When the EU Constitution was voted down in referenda in France and the Netherlands 18 months ago it was seen more as a vote of no confidence to their respective governments than opposition to the constitution. It seems as if the government could be sleepwalking towards defeat in the Lisbon Treaty, will voters vent their collective spleen against Bertie for the downturn in the economy, the everlasting tribunals and the spurious donations to Bertie’s private kitty? Will Irish voters vote no in the referendum just to piss him off and embarrass him in front of his European chums? When asked about the possibility of such tactical voting Bertie reacted by saying’ I can’t think of a more perverse way to exercise a democratic franchise’ Most likely the Lisbon Treaty would be very good for Ireland and Europe as a whole, we shouldn’t vote no simply out of spite, however tempting but we shouldn’t be guilted by the government into voting yes. Junior; Whipping post political correspondent.


B

enny Shanon, Professor of Psychology at the Hebrew University in Jerusalem contests that; ‘All the paradigmatic characteristics of the mystical experience are encountered under the influence of ayahuasca. Is the meaning & value of religious & spiritual experience induced by the ingestion of psychoactive agents? My empirical study of Ayahuasca leads me to answer with a categorical ‘Yes’.

of reality. Heightened brain chemistry and electromagnetivity could help us perceive the world around us differently. Dr. Michael Persinger, of the Neuroscience Laboratory at Laurentian University of Ontario has researched electromagnetism for 30 years. His work has shown that imperceptible electromagnetic fields interact with the human brain in such a way as to trigger temporarily altered states of consciousness, every bit as deep and every bit as ‘hallucinatory’ as those induced by drugs like DMT, psilocybin and LSD. These effects are pronounced in individuals with unusually excitable temporal lobes.

Benny Shanon has drunk ayahuasca more than 130 times, and strongly affirms the widespread Amazonian perception of it as a powerful source of knowledge. Drinking Ayahuasca is considered by the Amazonians to be the only path to knowledge. Dr. Rick Strassman’s clinical studies of the effects of DMT (dimethyltryptamine), the active ingredient in Ayahuasca, on over 100 human subjects, found that drinking the substance can provoke encounters with;

Persinger’s volunteers, subjected to strong fields under laboratory conditions, routinely report hallucinations of small beings standing near them. As electromagnetism retunes the receiver wavelength of our brains, so too is it conceivable that DMT and other tryptamines might. Persinger adds that ‘In the pursuit of the Unknown, all possibilities must be considered.’

‘Highly intelligent alien-like beings of another world, who were ready for our arrival, and wasted no time getting to work. They communicated, and attempted to convey information by gestures, telepathy, and visual images. The purpose of contact is uncertain, but several subjects felt a benevolent attempt on the beings’ part to improve us individually or as a race.’ It may seem absurd that anything like a genuine religious experience could be induced by eating, drinking or smoking certain species of plants. But we should feel less surprised when we remember that the plants in question contain chemicals intimately related to brain hormones and neurotransmitters such as dimethyltriptamine, dopamine & serotonin. The fact is that these chemicals, and others like them, are intrinsic to all the functions of our brains, while our brains in turn are involved in everything we experience - even if we choose to define some of those experiences as real and some as non-real. Whether we like it or not, and whether we augment them or tinker with their balance in any way, it is beyond serious dispute that these chemicals already play a fundamental role in spontaneous (non-druginduced) religious experiences. And since such spontaneous experiences occasioned by brain chemistry are regarded as genuine, then there is no reason why the deliberate induction of the same brain chemistry with tryptamines should result in experience that are any less genuine. Keep in mind, that all substances with a tryptamine core (serotonin, dmt, psilocybin, ibogaine & lsd) are derived from the amino acid ‘tryptophan’ with which DNA does it’s inexplicable & mysterious work of constructing & replicating life. Aldous Huxley, Francis Crick, Albert Hoffman, and many other intellectuals are of the mind that the brain is the main eliminative, and not productive; that our sensory organs operate as a reducing valve.

S N E G O N I C HALLU

immensely first, and y m e c n ushrooms, Ever si ce with m ere any n e ri e p x e spiritual if there w wondered s y a ption of lw a e I’v the consum n e e tw e b s ligion. connection ces and re n a st b su ic and en hallucinag the subject, to in ly p e e d huasca I’ve looked ge of Aya sa u e th lar, s in South in particu Amazonian s u o n e ig by ind America.

What we perceive, right now, is simply what our brain reconstructs from the incoming signals or wavelengths, under normal brain chemistry. When the levels of DMT (or any tryptamine-based substance) in our brain increase, how our brain interprets signals & wavelengths alters. We could potentially pick up on different wavelengths, which are outside of us already, and are simply different from ‘normal’ waves. Many scientists have already commented on the holographic nature of reality. What if the world around, simply is a massive, labyrinthine, prism-like hologram? That’s not so absurd when you consider the variety, diversity and amount of different molecules that surround us at every given moment. As proven by the charred electromagnetic spectrum, what we perceive, via our sensory organs, is less than 1 millionth

Finally, Huston Smith, the renowned American scholar of religions, reports drugs can and do. ‘...induce religious experiences that are indistinguishable from such experiences that occur spontaneously ... The way the statistics are currently running, it looks as if from one-fourth to one-third of the general population will have religious experiences if they are taking certain drugs under naturalistic conditions ... Among subjects who have strong religious proclivities, the proportion of those who have religious experiences jumps to three-fourths. If such subjects take the drugs in religious settings, the percentage soars to nine out of ten.’ Could these facts re-inforce the theory that all religions have roots in the shamanistic practise of eating mind altering plants.The ritualised consumption of psychoactive plants predates all organised religions by a couple of thousand years, so yes, I think so. It’s sad that DMT, while secreted naturally by our brain, and while being fundamental to our perception of reality, is regard by most power-wielding institutions, as a ‘Class A Drug’. Even though research has proven that this substance leaves our system within 2 hours of consumption, and is completely non-toxic. Even though natural selection cannot explain the benifits we have gained by developing an adaptation which allows us to perceive the ‘nonreal’ and communicate with «highly intelligent, non-physical beings», evolution should apply to all belief systems. And as soon as any belief system or religion defines itself by a book, it dies. Most people are still living 2,000 years in the past. It’s about time we moved on from antiquity, and embraced the radical world around us, and maybe even the aliens.

MIND ALTERING PLANTS Mescaline (Native Americans) Soma / Amanita Muscaria / Fly Agaric Mushroom (Hinduism) Syrian Rue & Acacia (The Old Testament / Ezekiel (Ezek I:4-19)) Ayahuasca (South Americans / Yagua / Jivaro) Datura (South Americans / Yagua / Jivaro) Amanita Muscaria / Fly Agaric Mushroom (Reindeer Tribes of Siberia) Ergot (Ancient Greece / Eleusis) Liberty Cap Mushrooms (European Druids) Psilocybin Mushrooms (Aztecs & Mayans) Ololiuqui / Morning Glory seeds (Aztecs & Mayans) Sophora Secundiflora (Central America & Mexico) Nymphaea Caerulea / Blue Water Lily (Egyptians)


One womans Courage S T I D N A B R E B B U R THE

We caught up with limerick’s legendary pranksters, who have been cracking people up for years with their hillarious phone calls. Passed around from person to person on bootleg C.D.’s or by email, these calls soon caught on as cult classics. The Rubberbandits soon went on to have the most popular page of an unsigned act on all of bebo. Until it was shut down by the administration. The lads have moved on to myspace where they continue to attract thousands of hits. catch them on: w w w. m y s p a c e . c o m / rubberbanditspranks. POST: I just want to say its an honour to get to meet ye and conduct this interview. So… how did it all start? RUBBER BANDITS: Well, basically we just arsed around, recording a few pranks calls when we were sixteen. Burned them to CD, gave them to a few buddys in school and within a year, an awful lot of people had heard of us. Mad carry on altogether. POST: Why the anonymity, is it a legal thing? RUBBER BANDITS: We like to be

anonymous because it serves the best interests of our comedy. If you can attach a face to our pranks it could ruin it for you. Part of the joy, is listening to a call and visualising what the character looks like, etc. Anything that requests the listener to engage their imagination is going to be more aesthetically enjoying.

POST: How long have ye been doing this? RUBBER BANDITS: Since 2002, We spent a few years in Europe selling fruit by the roadside. One of us was arrested for smuggling hummingbirds in shoeboxes across the Austrian border, so we returned to Ireland in early 2006. When we got back, our underground popularity had grown. That’s when we started up the bebo page which was quite surprisingly successful. There was a period there about a year ago when you couldn’t walk into a public lavatory without hearing our calls being discussed. I even got a free haircut when someone found out I was the face behind the calls.

POST: You’re taking the piss. Is that true about the hummingbirds? RUBBER BANDITS: Yes very true. I

did it for a Czech ornithologist that I met in an Irish pub in Stuttgart as an easy way of earning a few bob. I was nabbed in customs, and now I have a ten grand loan out to pay the fine. My advice to everyone is to take laws regarding flaura and fauna seriously.

POST: What happened to the bebo

page?

RUBBER BANDITS: We created an

online petition demanding that bebo remove profile views as they were clearly having detrimental effects on the self esteem of teenagers across Ireland. There was huge support for this and I guess it rubbed bebo administration up the wrong way and they deleted our page. Bebo is quite aware that its success depends upon teenagers low self esteem. Anyway, even though our page was deleted bebo were forced to make profile views optional. So you can thank us for that. it’s a win for the good guy. We have a new page by the way actually www. rubberbanditssongs.bebo.com. We went to the radio about it. Red FM in Cork gave us great support, especially KC on the Morning show. He’s a great guy.

POST: Why do ye do what ye do? RUBBER BANDITS: For the fun of it,

we love writing comedy and we love it when that comedy makes people laugh. It keeps me happy at night knowing that I am giving people the gift of laughter and joy, especially if I have spent the day severely beating a child with a tennis racket. Lol

POST: Do ye make money? RUBBER BANDITS: No. But we sure

wouldn’t mind making a bit. POST: What next?

RUBBER BANDITS: We are going to get caught underneath the wheels of a Sunday morning and let it peacefully drag us into the middle of next week.

Fergus Corrigan 2008

Following an Irish/British Council summit meeting in Dublin on Valentine’s day, Martin McGuinness stated that he was ‘appalled’ at the level of pub-centred storylines in pre-watershed British soap operas such as Eastenders and Corrie. Though clear that he was ‘not a fan’, McGuinness mentioned his wife and children enjoy the shows and that he was ‘appalled’ and ‘absolutley appalled’ by the amount of pissed-up shenanigans to which his family were bearing witness. And he’s not the only one. Thousands of Irish citizens are living in fear thanks to Ireland’s dreaded drinking culture. Night after night, our hallowed streets are clogged with violent alcoholic lunatics, bloodthirsty from their wretched night of intense spirit ingestion and deliberate dancification. By day, these zombie-like savages live among us in our schools, in our offices, even our homes. I recently spent a harrowing evening in the company of a woman who was forced to LIVE with one such alcohol junkie for several months. This is her story.

Intravenous whiskey erection battles. ‘My name is Vanessa. I’m a fifty-year-old mother of one. By day I worked in an alternative medicine shop and by night I looked after my little Angel, Luke-Bobby (29). It was the summer of 2006 and we had moved into a lovely new flat in Cork city. There was enough space for the two of us and a room to spare. Seeing as work at the shop was sometimes a little slow, I decided to rent out the spare room. It was a mistake I will live with for the rest of my life...’ Vanessa placed an ad in the local university student centre, advertising a spare room close to Turner’s Cross with «all mod cons» and a bed described by Vanessa herself as «grand and spacious». No sooner had she placed the fateful advert on the notice board than a large bespectacled young man arrived at her door one grey Wednesday morning. Vanessa’s life would never be the same. ‘He seemed grand like. So I let him stay in the room. His name was Matt and his Mam and Da lived in Waterford. But I didn’t realise he was a beer-user until it was much too late». Vanessa stifled back the tears as she struggled to continue, «he would get home on a Thursday from college, and have these tins of beer with him. On a Thursday no less! He would just go

up to his room, but I knew well what was going on. I had heard about the beer-craze that had the young people hooked. I was just so terrified to confront him.’ Things grew worse for Vanessa as the days turned into weeks. Often crazed from alcoholic beverages, the out of control Matt would stomp downstairs of a morning at speed looking for ‘his bag’ and ‘his hoody’. ‘These were obviously codewords bandied about by the alcohol-using ne’er do wells of today’s society, with whom the boy would fraternise’, said Vanessa. ‘He would rarely be seen without some sort of aluminum container with bits of egg fried rice strewn about it, which I’ve heard is used to make the addict EVEN MORE out-of-control after a ‘hit’ from his beer. The user ingests the fried food until he vomits, which is apparently the ultimate high for these sick animalistic perverts’. But it didn’t stop there. With Luke-Bobby (whom she describes as ‘her Angel’) by her side, the trembling Vanessa continues to speak of her ordeal. ‘Empty wine bottles in the corner of his room, a bottle opener on his keyring, an empty Budweiser can at the bottom of his wardrobe, and even a CORK in his pants pocket. I was finding the leavings of a wretched beer-addict strewn all over my house. I coudn’t handle it anymore, and made the decision to move. Luke-Bobby deserves a good quality of life, away from the stale stench, haggard faces and stained lapels of the beerist’s lair. Too many have succumbed to this horrible affliction, and my little Angel won’t be next. Vanessa and her son now live more than a hundred miles away from Matt’s world of filthy perversions. She says she plans to ‘rebuild her life one day at a time’. We contacted the addict in question but his secretary said he was out of the office, and that he would return our call later that evening. When asked was he possibly at an all-day intravenous whiskey erection battle with other addicts, she said she didn’t know. I might have known. It would seem that the Beer-user, like many of societies twisted degenerates, relies on a close knit community of trustees to guard his shameful secret. But how long and how far will it go? Is there a ‘Beer-Ring’ in your neighborhood? If not, how can you be sure? Is it just too late for our society? I hope not... Barrytron


The next best thing

CLANCYS BAR 15 &16 princes st.cork

to fruits n’ veg If you haven’t heard of Juice Plus, the chances are that sometime soon a distributor of Juice Plus will try and sign you up for a supply of a pill which possesses all natural and seemingly magical attributes. Juice Plus is a branded line of supplements containing concentrated powdered fruit and vegetable extracts which has been fortified with added vitamins and nutrients. The following should make you question the validity of people’s Juice Plus testimonials or “personal stories”. OJ Simpson was tried for the murders of both his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman on June 12, 1994 and subsequently acquitted of those charges. In January 1994 OJ signed a multi-year six-figure contract with NSA (the manufacturer) and became an official celebrity endorser of Juice Plus. In March 1994, shortly before the killings took place, Simpson was videotaped telling 4,000 Juice Plus distributors at a sales meeting that the product had cured his arthritis, improved his golf game, and freed him from using anti-arthritic drugs. [c][d][e][a] However, during his criminal trial in 1995 and the civil trial of 1997 (and in his 2007 book If I Did It) Simpson claimed that he was too incapacitated by arthritis to have committed the murders and that he had continued to take a variety of potent anti-inflammatory drugs. Following the controversy surrounding the Simpson case, NSA cancelled his endorsement contract and stopped using the Simpson videotape to promote Juice Plus.[f][g][h] Juice Plus is sold via direct or Multi-level marketing(MLM)[a][i]. This means the distributors try and sell to their family and friends, and get them to become distributors, whereby they receive a percentage of their sales, as does the person above them in the chain. When you draw a picture of this sales structure, guess what, it kind of resembles a pyramid. You would have thought that the people of Ireland would be pretty wary of pyramid shaped schemes but Ireland is one of Juice Plus’ fastest growing European markets. The price of a supply of these “miraculous” pills here in Ireland is €46.25 a month per person with a minimum purchase of a four-month supply. These supplements are sold with the slogan “America’s Brand Name for Prevention’, and the claim “the next best thing to fruit and vegetables”[b], a claim which has caused considerable controversy since its launch in 1993. Juice Plus distributors can attend conferences where they are instructed in selling techniques and where they are taught to perfect their “personal story”. This “personal story” is the distributor’s most important sales technique. The story is always one describing how fabulously healthy / successful / happy / wealthy both they and their families have become since they began taking Juice Plus. The more other people they can get to become sellers too, the more money they make, just like OJ. They still claim that their “personal stories” are completely true and that they are not financially or otherwise biased. Some distributors have been accused of making unproven claims about the effects of Juice Plus but these claims are all handily taken care of by the company’s disclaimer on its website (www.juiceplus. ie) [b], where they disclaim any responsibility for the claims made on their distributor’s websites, or any claims made verbally by their distributors. There is no mention of the product being able to prevent or cure any disease on the official Juice Plus site unlike the apparent claims that have supposedly been made by some distributors. If you are an avid user of Juice Plus, one of their distributors or have been approached, just remember one thing: If something seems too good to be true then it probably is. Here is some information that Juice Plus won’t want you to know:

tuesdays & wednesdays

- Juice Plus cites what they call numerous scientific studies that show the positive effects of taking their product. However according to a new damning report by the ‘The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI)’ in the good ‘aul U S of A almost all of these studies are financed by NSA and NAI, who are the manufacturers. [i]

This non-profit charity is being used mainly as a marketing gimmick.

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9pm • wednesdays quiz

- According to Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Centre Juice Plus+ is distributed through a multi-tiered marketing scheme with exaggerated value and cost. [f] - Following complaints in 2005 Juice Plus agreed to stop referring to their children’s Gummies product as “the next best thing to fruits and vegetables” [m]. According to a study by Stewart et al. these “healthy” sweets consist of 85% Corn Syrup and 10% Beef Gelatin (watch out vegetarians) i.e. 95% harmful or inert ingredients. [k] - The Juice Plus Children’s Research Foundation, founded in 1997, is a non-profit organization and is chaired by executives of NSA (the manufacturer) and operates from the company’s head office in Collierville, Tennessee. According to University of California Berkeley and Dr. Stephen Barrett of MLMWatch this non-profit charity is being used mainly as a marketing gimmick to get families to buy Juice Plus products.[l][g][h] So we at The Whipping Post are a bit skeptical folks, let’s show the people of the world that we here in Ireland are not as gullible as some of they are. For info on Multi Level Marketing see www. mlmwatch.org For info on Juice Plus see juiceplusresearch.blogspot. com or www.juiceplus.ie EIREANN Brockovich. References: [a] Barrett, Stephen Juice Plus: A critical look; http://www.mlmwatch. org/04C/NSA/juiceplus.html 18/2/08 [b] Juice Plus Irish website www.juiceplus.ie click to see disclaimer. 18/2/08 [c] Friedman, Roger. ‘If O.J. Simpson did it, this is how’, Fox News, November 21, 2006. www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,231034,00.html 18/2/08 [d] Deutsch, Linda. ‘Simpson exercise video shown in murder trial. Defendant jokes about punching wives’, Fort Worth Star-Telegram, July 19, 1995. [e] ‘Simpson said capsules killed his arthritis pain’, San Jose Mercury News, February 17, 1995, pp. 15A. http//:nl.newsbank.com 18/02/08 [f] Juice Plus. Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. http://www.mskcc. org/mskcc/html/69270.cfm 18/02/08 [g] Juice Plus and minus. University of California Berkeley Wellness Letter. http://www.berkeleywellness.com/subCorner/pdf/2000/0011.pdf 18/02/08 [h] Juice Plus www.wikipedia.com/juice_plus 18/02/08 [i] Juice Plus Commission http://www.cspinet.org/nah/12_07/special.pdf 18/02/08 [j] Juice Plus. About Herbs database, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center Web site, http://www.mskcc.org/mskcc/html/69270.cfm 18/02/08 [k]www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez?Db=pubmed&Cmd=ShowDetailView &TermToSearch=12449290 [L] Barrett, Stephen. Questionable Research by the Juice Plus Children’s Research Foundation. www.MLMWatch.com [m] Juice Plus Gummies @ http://www.consumerreports.org

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ladiators, the hit nineties TV show is back! Eight years on from the glory days of Hunter, Saracen, Rhino and the rest, Sky One have recruited 12 new Gladiators to wear the spandex. So far Sky One have managed to keep details of the new version under wraps stating only that they are planning to build ‘one of the biggest studio sets in UK television history’. However we at the whipping post have received information revealing some of the new events and the identities of some of the new gladiators all chosen to bring a new twist to the classic archetypes...

Filling in the Wolfman’s shoes as the gladiator the audience loves to hate is Weasel, an ex-ferret wrestler from the mean streets of Bournemouth, who’ll use any means at his disposal to win. He plans to intimidate contestants with his signature entrance dance ‘The Razor weasel’. Taking over from manmountain Shadow is Bard the flamboyant poet, who’s flowing garments and florid prose belie his Phenomenal command of the pugel stick. Almost as famous for his free-style sonnets as his crushing blows, Bard is sure to be a real fan-favourite. Next is Limpet, rescued from the life of an urchin by John Sachs not much is known of his background, but one things for sure when this recluse comes out of his shell and gets a grip of a contestant the limpet never lets go. This is just a sample of the line up of Sky One’s new warriors. But wait there’s more, not only will the the challengers have to face an all new squadron of gladiators, they’ll have to pit there wits against 10 new perilous events, such as The Barrelator Inspired by the 1984 classic computer game ‘Donkey Kong’ this is a highly dangerous event that sees the contenders attempting to push there fellow contenders up an unforgiving steep hill in a barrel, whilst Weazel let’s loose a bombardment of gladiators in barrels down the hill at the contenders. As there are only 12 gladiators the other 11 must sprint with their barrels to the summit of the slope ready to be hurled down once more.

Bounce off Dressed in spandex tuxedos the gladiators defend a series of night club doors that the contenders must penetrate in order to proceed to the next level. Before this the contenders have thirty seconds to retrieve as many ID’s from Limpit’s firm grip as they can. They can then use these to get past the toughest gladiators. No ID means the gladiators will get shirty and use all there might to repel the contenders from their doors. Whoever gets through the most doors scores the most points.

‘Can i help you, sir?’ ‘Yes, I’ll have a ham and cheese baguette please.’ ‘Anything else, sir?’ ‘Yes, could you possibly squash the shit out of it with a George Forman and charge me twice as much for it please?. Why in gods name would anyone take a perfectly good roll and crush it till it resembled something that had been stuck behind a radiator for the last six months and what’s with the price hike? An extra €3 at least for the fuckers, you can get a shirt ironed for 50 cent what’s the difference. Oh wait, you have to have a rudimentary amount of skill to do that.

Stupid Toilet Door’s

So Where are they Now?

B

ut more importantly, what happened to the old batch? We tracked down our old favourites to see what became of the original English Gladiators. Sadly most of them have died from steroid related mishaps, but a few of them are still kicking it large. Shadow’s illiteracy cost him dearly as it turned out he had been signing away the majority of his Gladiator’s fortune to his dishonest agent. He does however still work in the entertainment industry, as a Charlie Chicken; one of Butlin’s hilarious mascots. Unfortunately He still has the same agent. ‘times haven’t been all good, but things have been on the up since I landed this plum role as Charlie Chicken. Sure I miss the old times, pummelling some punk contender with a stick. I can’t see a giant foam hand without it all flooding back. But this job’s pretty sweet too. I get to use all the facilities whenever the hell I choose, except of course when I’m working, which is only 6 days a week, my Tuesday’s are all my own. Shit i’ve even got my own holiday cabin, I only have to share it with Micky Monkey, and Jimmy giraffe. They’re good mates.’ We had to cut the interview short as Shadow’s supervisor wasn’t keen on him answering non-Butlins related questions whilst he was on duty. Fan’s favourite wolf was harder to track down than his former colleagues and initially reluctant to talk to us. Wolf lost his considerable fortune investing in a fair trade magic bean company. He now works the children’s party scene in Northern England reprising his role as tough guy Wolf. ‘I hate the little bastards, but it pays OK, if I have a few drinks before the gig it usually gets me through. But it’s only a short term thing, when my magic beans come through I’ll be back on top, the return of the Wolfman is nigh’. Rhino is the success story of the troupe. After the show was cancelled he let celebrity take a back seat and decided to persue his dream of completing his PHd in

astro-physics. Ten years down the line and he is now professor of quantum mechanics at MIT after his groundbreaking paper ‘The internal combustion fields of the 6-XP-12 Nebula’.

I miss the old times, pummeling some punk contender with a stick

We caught up with Jet, who left the show in 1995 after trapping nerves in her neck when she fell during one of the shows. She was quite happy to talk about her recent wedding and her past glories. ‘I can’t complain, when I did my neck in on the pyramid I was really down, I couldn’t imagine my life without the rough and tumble of Gladiators. But then I met Jeffry. The wedding ceremony was magical. We recreated the original set from the Birmingham NEC and had a load of the original gladiators there too. Wolf gave me away and the referee presided over the ceremony. After we had said our vows the ref told Jeff he could kiss me on his first whistle. After a passionate kiss the ref blew his second whistle and he dashed onto the eliminator, he put up a good fight but I finally took him down on the ropes. that was the happiest day of my life.’ Although Jet’s good looks have faded slightly her bubbly personality is as bright as ever.

I can appreciate a big cock scraped into a toilet door as much as the next man, or even a ‘John is a knob’ but philosophical bollox clenches my rectum so tight in frustration that it’s three days before I can squeeze one out. Take this little gem for an example: ‘How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before trying to change the world’. Jesus Christ! What a load of blood boilingly puerile shit. I can only imagine the complete dick head who wrote this; fopping around from toilet door to toilet door marker pen in hand, oblivious to the horrendous mess that would be made if shitting men all over the world were to attempt to change the world without taking a single moment to finish the business in hand.

Atm’s In today’s amazing world of the internet and telecommunications I can check my balance from UlaanBaatar. What i can’t do however is check my balance in Patrick’s Street if I have the audacity to use an ATM from a bank other than my own. Am i seriously supposed to believe that this is beyond their capabilities? It is an intentional act of spite. What do they gain out of this, do they think I’m going to change banks? To the spiteful awkward bastards who won’t even give me my balance. And then they offer me an advice slip who’s sum total of advice is how much money I just took out. I just took it out you patronising bastards, I’m holding it in my fucking hand why would I need reminding how much it is.


Case study 14.5 Are you a 1.

Your washing machine is kaput. Do you. a. Get it repaired. b. Bring it to the recycling centre. c. Dump it at a local scenic area.

2.

If you a. b. c.

see an elderly person trying to cross the street. Do you wait for a lull in the traffic and help them cross. smile ruefully and wonder if you’ll ever reach such a ripe old age. rob them at knife point.

3.

You’re a. b. c.

wearing a tracksuit and trainers is it because you’ve just returned from the gym. you’re just off to the gym. you think it looks class.

4.

You see someone who is different to you. Do you a. Respect their individuality. b. ignore them. c. shout ‘Faggot’ at the top of your voice.

5.

You feel the craving for a cigarette, but alas have none. Do you a. Grin and bear it and wait till you get home b. Buy a packet of cigarettes c. Obnoxiously demand “gizafagder, bud.”

6.

It’s children’s allowance day. Do you a. Buy some much needed new school shoes for little Jimmy. b. Treat the little terrors to a day out. c. Blow it all on booze, fags, and scratch cards.

7.

You’re a. b. c.

going for a Sunday drive. Are you listening to Lyric FM. Gilbert and Sullivan’s HMS Pinafore. Hardcore Club Anthems ‘08.

8.

You’re a. b. c.

child is misbehaving in Tesco’s. Do you Ignore him, he’ll soon stop. Reason with him. bate him round the head and call them a ‘fucking handicap’.

9.

It’s 11.30pm on a Tuesday. Your kids are a. Safe in bed b. Staying up late as a treat to watch the end of ‘Mrs Doubtfire’ c. ‘Fuck knows’

10.

You’re a. b. c.

11.

You’re asked to name a hero who died for what he believed in. You say a. Mahatma Ghandi b. Thomas Moore c. 2pac

12.

You’ve a. b. c.

13.

Jewellery. You are wearing a. A Newbridge silver ring. b. A John-Rocha necklace. c. Big fuck-off hoopy earrings or a couple of sovereigns.

having Sunday lunch. Are you and the family tucking into A joint of roast beef with all the trimmings. A tofu and mixed bean salad. A KFC family bucket.

been blessed with a beautiful baby girl. You name her Mary. Jane. Beyonce-Chantelle

If you ticked C: 1-3 times, You’re a borderline case. 4-9 times, Proper scobe. 10-13 times, Absolute fucking scumbag.


The Ferret For more Visit http://www.theferret.org.uk

AMBIENT HOUSE DJ FALLS ASLEEP DURING GIG

Liverpool: American ambient house practitioner DJ Doldrum had an embarrassing moment in the Camel Club last night, when his own choice of laidback, super-mellow sonic textures caused him to fall asleep in mid-set. Doldrum, real name Kevin Jacob Alvarez, arrived in the country yesterday afternoon. He is a well respected figure on the Chicago ambient scene, and also has a cult international following - many hardcore fans, including Sarath Kumarisiri of Accrington, were waiting at Liverpool John Lennon Airport to greet him. ‘It was amazing, absolutely amazing,’ says Kumarisiri, who had camped out in the airport overnight to meet his hero. ‘I saw him coming out of arrivals, and I recognised him straight away. I went up to him and said, ‘hi Doldrum!’ and he said, ‘hey.’ You cannot buy experiences like that.’ Kumarisiri was among the 300-strong crowd who thronged the Camel Club last night as DJ Doldrum hit the decks. Things started well, with the American kicking off with some up-tempo numbers. However, it wasn’t long before Doldrum reverted to type and began spinning a series of 45’ remixes, each one longer, slower and more ponderous than the previous. Within an hour, the majority of the crowd had left, variously citing ‘depression’, ‘boredom’ and ‘acute pococurantism.’

MASTURBATION

IS GAY

A report by the American Public Health Association (APHA), to be reprinted in the British Medical Journal (Spring 2005), has concluded that masturbation is gay. ‘It is self-evident that an act of manualgenital stimulation wherein the hand and genitals both belong to an organism of unique gender, which is inevitably the case with onanism, is homosexual in nature,’ reads the report, based on clinical studies by Drs. J. Anderson and B. Carson at Johns Hopkins University. ‘This does not, of course, automatically imply general homosexual tendencies in the masturbator. Nonetheless, it does illustrate that a single instance of self-abuse is enough to indicate bisexuality at the very least in any practicing heterosexual’. ‘Given therefore that 60% of women and 98% of men masturbate at some point during their lives,’ the report ends, ‘the results of this study show that barely 20% of the world’s population can be considered strictly straight.’ Homosexual activist organisations in the US have hailed the report as ‘a welcome... reality check for a largely queer world labouring under a collective delusion of straightness.’ Ironically, up to the late 19th century, the word ‘heterosexual’ referred to those who were attracted to both genders, whom we would now call bisexual.

The remaining vanguard (including, of course, Kumarisiri and his friends Sheila Parsons and Marleigh Hall) were still cheering Doldrum on with gusto, but it was not enough. Witnesses saw the DJ’s head begin to droop shortly after 10.15pm. By 10.23, he was fast asleep. Mercifully, the track he had chosen to play before drifting off was over 32 minutes long, so organisers had more than enough time to revive the star and the gig continued without interruption. But DJ Doldrum’s reputation had been irrevocably damaged. Falling asleep during one’s own set is among the worst things that can happen to an ambient DJ - like an actor forgetting his lines on stage or a singer losing her voice. The crowd dwindled further after Doldrum’s nap; by the end, there were less than ten people left. The artiste declined to talk to The Ferret after the show, complaining of fatigue and exhaustion.

EURO DOWN

Despite its relative solidity on terrestrial exchanges, the euro is down against almost every other galactic currency. (The only notable exception is the Upsilon Andromedaean stoor - of which the euro is now worth 44,298,498,002,981 - but experts say this is largely because Upsilon Andromedae was vapourised last week by a Gliesian trituron ray.) Crystalline Entity Pon5, Director of the Centaurus A Credit Exchange, told the Ferret, ‘It’s true that the euro is down in general. But to be honest, nobody cares that much. Terrestrial currencies are almost unheard of elsewhere in the universe, so it’s really not a big deal. No offence.’ The euro has also lost ground to the PanCanisian truul (down 0.01 to 0.001), the Alderan Qert (down 0.002 to 0.031) and the Bloch complex sphere (down 1 + 4i to 8 + 3i). Ciara Furse, CEO of the Dublin Stock Exchange, remains optimistic. ‘These fluctuations are minor,’ she told the Ferret, ‘And quite possibly due as much to the dark energy rift in sector 2.9.1a of the Oort Cloud as to genuine instabilities in the European economy. The euro will bounce back.’

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BLATHNAID’S PHOTO CASEBOOK Hi I’m Bláithnaid from that awful awful Afternoon Show on RTE. Here’s my casebook for this month. Flaura is worried about Steves strange behaviour and confides in a friend....


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Submissions Send Artwork to whipeditor@gmail.com KEIRAN HERLIHY

K

Kieran Herlihy, 23, lives in Limerick where he has recently completed his B.F.A. in printmaking at L.S.A.D. Kieran works in many mediums and apart from creating works on paper and canvas also works within the area of sculpture and installation. He says ‘Limerick has been good to me. I learned a lot about myself here because there is a lot here to influence you. There is a good social scene, you just have to find it. There is a great deal of focus on the negative aspects of Limerick but its no different to any other city or town, I think its is a great place, The Bell Table, the Theatre Companies, there is a good few galleries and the music scene is the best I have experienced in this country’. In his work he says he plays with imagery and obscured messages, ‘hiding something a bit sinister or a metaphor for an experience in a text that at first seems innocent’. ‘I think that there is always great art out there and its subjective, what I might love others might hate’ says Kieran, ‘at the moment I am loving what my friends are making’. He finds himself privileged to have found what he wants to do with the rest of his life early on. For the future he is ‘applying for a Masters abroad and other than that just going to keep making art and learning’. Kieran Herlihy’s solo show opens in Limerick Printmakers on the 2nd of October 2008.

WWWW.KIERAN HERLIHY.COM KEY TO Images

a

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A. Free Running Running Free B. Camera Man C. Running Scared Shoelace D. All seeing, no comment


CLANCY’S BAR 15 - 16 princes St. Cork

Secrets Of The Psychics Recently while out and about I saw a very sombre queue of ladies outside a stall of someone claiming to be a traditional Irish fortune teller. Bereft of plans, I decided to see what all the broo-ha-ha was about. This particular psychic must be very good, as she was getting the rubes in and out in about ten minutes. She offered a variety of methods, Palm reading, Tarot cards and the Crystal ball. I resisted the urge to ask for a quick palm job and opted for the crystal ball instead, as I figured it would test her psychic acumen more. She directed that I should pick up the cheap glob of Perspex, close my eyes and make two wishes. The theory being that I would leave a vibrational residue, from which she would be able to descry my past, present and future. I asked her did she examine some kind of residue when she gave the palm jobs as well. What followed was a deeply uninspiring performance, punctured by painful awkward silences as she sloppily alternated between making the most self evident of conjectures to the most bizarre. It quickly became obvious that this was nothing more than the most brazen theft of twenty euro perpetrated in 2008. ‘You have something to do with teaching, teachers, social work or journalism, yes definitely one of them!’, she insisted. ‘ Teaching! Zounds, why you must mean my brother, hims the one with the learnin’ ‘I said with all the encouragement one generally affords to their muggers. She told me I had connections with England and that I might consider going to Australia in the next few years. Hardly impressive statements considering todays cultural trends. In fact, if she had some faith in her mendacity and actually looked into my eyes she would see that they registered as much awe as if she had just informed me I was a carbon based bi-ped. Then out of the blue she asked ‘Who’s had their womb removed?’ ‘WHAT? JESUS CHRIST! NOBODY!’, I said both amazed and embarrassed for so many different reasons. ‘Well they might want to take care in the future’. ‘Well if they do , let me assure you we certainly won’t be talking about it , Christ.’ The reading came to an end and I asked the soothsayer what she thought of the burdgeoning psychic industry. To her credit she said not to take it too seriously but to keep an open mind. With that in mind perhaps, they should keep their minds open to the idea it is all a farce and that the illusion of psychic powers can be demonstrated by anyone familiar with the techniques of cold-reading some of which are illustrated below. THE VEILED QUESTION - a question dressed up as a statement e.g. ‘I’m getting a vague impression that your work involves travelling a bit, is this making sense to you ?’ THE RAINBOW RUSE - a statement which credits the client with both a personality trait and its opposite. e.g. ‘You can be a very selfless person, generous towards others but at other times, you must admit, you can be quite selfcentred.

BARNUM STATEMENTS - artfully generalised descriptions that will fit most people e.g. ‘You have a strong need for people to like and respect you’. POLLYANNA PEARLS - prosaic but optimistic predictions regarding different areas of life e.g. ‘Its been a rocky road financially for a few years but the next 18 months or so will be a lot easier’. CERTAIN PREDICTIONS - guaranteed inevitabilities of life but whose timing is not specified e.g. ‘Someone new is going to come into your life’.

Just Because It’s Not True Doesn’t Mean It’s A Bad Thing.

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THE TRIVIA STAT - widely applicable facts that can be worked into the reading e.g. ‘Most people have or have had a scar on their left knee’. It would be easy to do a venomous expose of these so-called psychics. I was going to ask how dare these people profit from the fears of the credulous. And how dare these sycophants turn the virtue of honesty into the vice of naivity. Furthermore that they perpetuate superstition and irrationalism and are co-conspirators in everything from people not seizing the day to people crashing jets into skyscrapers. But then my brother (‘he of the aforementioned learnin’) said to me; ‘Perhaps there is no such thing as psychics, that it is one of the longest running cons of mankind. That it can make people believe in a spirit, an afterlife and a God, when in truth there may not be any such thing in existence. Maybe we are just a bunch of intelligent apes, that Cartesian dichotomy is a fallacy. But just because it is not true doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. It can provide comfort to the bereaved, give a north to our moral compass and faith in something more than ourselves, inspiring us to those truly great feats , those most noble and wonderful acts of humanity.’ ‘Oh now I see, it all makes sense’, I replied ‘So you’re the one who had their womb removed?’ To those of you who remain loyal to your faith in psychics, your not going to believe me but I am actually a psychic myself. There I told you, you wouldn’t believe me . I’m sure that’s more than enough proof for you. But I’ve been blessed with a very rare and special gift. I can actually talk to dead pets. Yes, yes im getting one now. Its your pet dog Rex, yes you did have one. You’ve just repressed the memory as his passing was so painful. I have a message for you. ‘Woof, woof , woof’ , he said you’d understand. LEADER

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Reviews

Music Film Art Food

SWEENEY TODD DEMON BARBER OF FLEET

ASSASINATION

DJ SCOTCH EGG

OF JESSE JAMES

I’ll EAT YOUR FACE

DIR: TIM BURTON 2007

ANDREW DOMINICK 2008

FEBRUARY 8th THE WHISKEY

The film opens with typically stylish Tim Burton credits, and the sight of a looming ship, creaking and groaning its way up the Thames surrounded by a gothic, night time, 19th century London is enough to make you relax and settle into a bloody tale of murder and deceit. The quiet eeriness of the river is broken all of a sudden by a terrible noise so ghastly it haunts me to this day. It is not, however, as one might expect the death cries of the murderous Todd’s first victim, rather the altogether more disturbing sound of Johnny Depp breaking into song in his now trademark Captain Jack Sparrow accent. For you see the true horror of this movie is that it is a musical. Now don’t get me wrong I like a song and dance number as much as the next man, but what unfolds over the next two hours are a series of laboured, lazy, songs that inspire gut wrenching embarrassment in the viewer. They have none of the verve of Burton’s previous musical outings The Corpse Bride and The Nightmare Before Christmas and are all performed in such a similar downbeat drone that by the end they are completely indecipherable from one another.

They say you should never meet your idols, they will only disappoint. If Bob Ford was ever on the receiving end of that nugget of information he chose to ignore it; doing everything he could to endear himself to Jesse James in an effort to become his sidekick. Casey Affleck steals the show with an oscar nominated performance. His cracked and barely broken voice and wide eyed admiration of James set him up nicely as the obsessional fan that goes that bit too far. Jesse fails to see his potential immediately and Bob resents him for this. Despite the pleadings of his brother Charlie (Sam Rockwell) a chain of events send him hurtling towards his fate.

ST.

The really unfortunate thing about all this is that there was so much potential for this movie to be great; but all this potential is time and again undermined by the excruciating singing. Carter and Depp seem ideal leads yet any sign of credible acting is overshadowed by the fact they seem so aware that their voices for the songs will be over dubbed in a sound studio, that they attempt to make up for this slur on their artistic integrity by emoting with their eye brows. They hit all the high (and low) notes with a sympathetic movement of the brow in the classic Roger Moore school of acting. This Pantomime-esque rubbish starts to eat away at your good will and you soon begin to pick holes in what up until now had seemed impeccable gothic styling. Is this really an evocative representation of the gloom and depression of working class Victorian London or is it just a load of CGI shot in a blue filter borrowed from the lads at CSI New York? Is this a rich tapestry of symbolism Edgar Alan Poe would be proud of, or is this another hackneyed director using a broken mirror to reflect the fractured state of a characters mental state and a bird in a cage to highlight the trapped existence of a girl kept indoors by her evil guardian. Helena Bonem Carter even manages to sound like she’s never been to England let alone heard an English accent. That isn’t to say there are no redeemable factors, Timothy Spall and Alan Rickman put in passable performances as the evil plotters who turn Todd into a vengeful homicidal whiz with a razor blade. But I for one spent over an hour praying that the bad guy from die hard wouldn’t burst into song, until the inevitable happened and he begins to duet with Depp over the merits of various brands of after shave. Sacha Baron Cohen isn’t terrible as ‘Pirelli’ a rival barber, thought he did sound distinctly Kazakh from time to time. The final scene is excellently shot with a Burton-esque flourish of blood and tragedy. Yet by now the damage has been done and you are left wondering what in God’s name they were thinking? Tim Burton and Johnny Depp in particular have a lot of work to do before I waste another two hours of my life watching their arrogant smug shit.

TRENT GOLDSTEIN

I‘ll Eat Your Face, a Cork based Grindcore band made their way to the stage area. The atmosphere was buzzing, the venue sold out. The lads greeted, then proceeded to do what Grindcore bands do, which is knock you off your feet with the most heavy music imaginable, in short 1-2 minute long songs. They threw out some monumentally low, speedy riffs, accompanied by frantic, almost mechanical drumbeats. The crowd was showing their love with the customary mosh pit, taking up most of the crowd. But it abruptly dispersed as the lads finished up.

Unfringed festival LIMERICKS PERFORMANCE FESTIVAL LIMERICK 13TH - 23RD OF FEBRAURY

Unfringed is a multi-disciplinary arts festival that was held in Limerick over 13th-23rd February.The ethos is about ‘innovation and experimentation’, with the promotion of local and international talent. Here is just a small pick of the treats that were to be had. Problem Child by Canadian writer George.F.Walker made it’s Irish debut with Impact Theatre Co. in Stix, formerly a cinema and now a chipper. Yet thoughts of battered sausages and spicy burgers where

Previously my only knowledge of this American folk hero were the dodgy lyrics of an 80’s Cher song. I expected this film to give me some insight into why he is still known more than 200 years after his death but I was sorely disappointed. At 34 Jesse is in the twilight of his career and one last train robbery with his brother brings the work of the James brothers’ gang to an end. Suffering from ill health and an ever worsening paranoia it’s hard to believe the man has a price on his head.

Being a fan of Brad Pitt’s work in general was just not enough to make me overlook what I felt was a disappointing performance overall. There was no sense of how revered and reviled the man is known to have been. That he was ultimately shot in the back seemed somehow apt. His victims just inevitably rolled over and in the end he went the same way. I don’t in anyway understand the choice to cast Sam Shephard as the Frank, the older of the James boys. In reality he was 3 or 4 years older than Jesse but Sam is something like 20 years older than Pitt and it doesn’t go unnoticed. The film is beautifully shot by cinematographer Roger Deakins, coen brothers alum and overall master and with an original score (and cameo appearance) by Nick Cave it is a feast for the eyes and ears but never truly draws you in to care about either james or his victims nor indeed his assassin. HEIDI KLOOT

Scotch Egg emerged soon after. At that, the crowd erupted with joy. He exclaimed a few words then sharply let loose some beats so heavy and up-tempo that it took me a minute to grasp the tune. When I got the beat to make sense I realized there were constant, cartoonish, cascades of retro gaming music running through them, accompanied by Scotch Eggs’ strange, digitally distorted shouts. A grin instantly appeared on my face as I dove into the sea of people losing themselves in the beats in a way stereotypical of a metal concert. Which did cause a few people to leave after the first track. A bit rough, yes. But the energy in that little venue was filling everyone present with... with... I don’t know what. But it made for a damn good show. For the next hour or so, the beats bounced and rolled, as the people jumped, danced and sweated their hearts out. The crowd surfing was almost a constant, and the low ceiling in the venue meant that crowd surfing could have been renamed ceiling crawling, as that’s what it appeared these people, including Scotch Egg, were doing. His agility was startling, each time he was hurled back to the ground, he managed to miss the quite odd setup of his laptop, various sampling equipment, and old school gameboys he had hooked up to create a wide variety of tones that filled my bones with nostalgia for Tetris. The originality in this guy’s music is mind-blowing. In times such as these, where mediocre music reigns, it’s comforting to know that somewhere in this troubled world there’s a Gabber DJ playing the music of a timeless classical composer such as Bach, on a souped up gameboy. Brilliant in so many ways. COLM AHERNE

soon forgotten upon entering the space. The plot centres around a couple awaiting the return of their daughter who has been taken away by social workers. Sounds like a recipe for a maudlin tear jerker, thankfully it was far from it, Walker understands the humour behind a life that tries to kick and cheat you while you���re down. The mood swings easily between hilarity and tragedy. The play deals with issues of justice, desperation and the general shittyness of life. The performances of all four cast members were outstanding,mixing subtle comic timing with suitable bravado. The relationship between poe faced social worker Helen and ex whore Denise worked particularly well, showing the contrast between two diametrically opposed worlds. The interesting thing about putting this play on in Thomond, seen as one one of Limericks less sheek areas, is that it brought people to theatre that normally wouldn’t go, a welcome influx of life to the tight knit arts circle in Limerick. I last saw White Cholera perform in the Leviathan tent at Electric Picnic, there I was impressed by their acerbic witty lyrics and innovative performance. So when I heard that they were playing in Dolans on Valentines night, I thought what a perfect date. Their vast use of seemingly random objects (curtain rails, a slinky dust bins plastic tubing and a traffic cone to name but a few) for percussion is both funny and effective. If you were to take the vocals of Tom Waitts, the magic of Danny Elfman and the sheer theatricality and humour of the Tiger Lillies then you would have something near White Choloera. They have a strong anti war/American message through their lyrics, and were featured in the

PBS special The Anti-Americansa hate/love relationship. But fear not this is not the wagon jumping of Green Day but truely insightful and intelligently constructed songs. I was surprised and delighted to see that there is a softer side to their act. Due to the unfortunate poor turnout at the gig they went for some quieter numbers that suited the intimate crowd perfectly. Both Dave Blake and Eanna Hicky have wonderfully varied voices pickling the songs with gossamer whispers and bellowing drama. Daghda are a contemporary dance troupe working with both local and international artists. Every few months they have an event called Mamushka, and no matter how I‘ve tried to explain the lovely cozy feeling created there it is something that has to be experienced. It’s an informal forum where artists can showcase works in progress to an open audience. There is no entry fee, no specific seating, silence is not required, audience participation is encouraged, and the icing on the cake they have Guinness on tap. By the very nature of having this open facility to artists it can be a bit hit and miss sometimes as regards the performances. In the past I have been moved near to tears during the performance, and near to sleep with others, but it’s a risk worth taking. On February 15th I went to one such night, being honest it wasn’t the best performance that I’ve been to. My enthusiasm was a little dented by the first act I saw, a non sensical piece with an awkward strutting man in heels accompanied by anachronistic music. Some other forgettable acts followed, but thankfully there was some reprieve with french act JeanPhillippe Renoult, who performed live a playful digital musical composition, made all the better by the dancing of a 5 year old audience member. Other highlights included the piece Trace with accompanying soundscape by John Galvin, and the impressive finale Naturaleza Muerta. It was actually the on going permanent pieces that caught my attention that night more that anything else, a simple thing of red balloons floating to the rafters, or the exquisite performative painting of Ruth Lyons. All in all I would prefer that they kept the unrestricted format of the night and risk blunders than to tighten up the guidelines and forfeit the integral ideologies behind the format, because when it works it’s beautiful. MARY MEARSE


Interview REMMA BIOGRAPHY www.myspace.com/remmamusic

When Cork based Indie band REMMA burst on to the music scene in 2004 it was a dream start by any standards. What was to follow surpassed their wildest expectations and included an acoustic set at Lillies Bordello, support to artists which included The Proclaimers, The Frank & Walters, Paddy Casey, Ruby Horse, TV & radio appearances and the inclusion of one of the band’s demo tracks “Worry Young” on an NME compilation CD “Songs To Save Your Life” which was compiled by none other than the legendary ‘Morrissey’. REMMA were rapidly signed by “Morrissey” to “ATTACK” (his signature label within Sanctuary Records) which saw their debut EP “Worry Young” released in the US & Europe to critical acclaim and followed with Morrissey supports at London’s Earls Court Arena & Dublin’s Point Depot. REMMA’s debut release which has been hailed as “Passionate, Windswept” by The Guardian, “A Stormer” by NME & “Epic Melodic Rock” by HMV.com has received extensive airplay in the US & Europe. As the band’s career was finally beginning to take off and with plans underway for a US & European promotional tour REMMA were dealt a devastating blow when lead singer Shane was struck down with a rare virus which destroyed both his kidneys and which was to see him on dialysis and a transplant waiting list for the following 3 years. This was a very low point for the band but still they managed to keep on writing and recording new material and playing the occasional gig but any serious touring or gigging commitments had to be placed on hold. In late 2007 Shane finally received a telephone call with the amazing news which was to surpass even that of the band’s initial record deal – “a kidney had been donated and the team at Beaumont Hospital were ready to transplant.” Shane has now thankfully undergone a successful transplant and is back to full health so its full steam ahead in 2008 for REMMA. The band’s debut album which is being produced by Noel Hogan (The Cranberries, Mono Band & Arkitekt) is currently being recorded and which should see release before the end of 2008 with an EP release in mid March. In between recording commitments REMMA will be playing a number of Irish & UK dates this year the first of which kicks off at “Crane Lane Theatre”, Cork on March 12th, 11 pm and admission is free. REMMA are : Shane O’Herlihy (Lead vocals/guitar) Darren O’Driscoll (Drums), Colm O’Herlihy (Lead Guitar/vocals) Fritz Muller (Bass)

Pictured: Jay Red [LEFT] & DJ Rainers

JAY RED A.K.A. MC MIMIC

Jay Red the alter ego of MC Mimic has been rapping for years. Last year he released his first album ‘The Lunderland’ and started taking things more seriously. He’s freestyled alongside the likes of MC Jamalski, recently featured on The Podge and Rodge show with MC Lent and opened up for The Unfringed Festival this year. This guy is a real character.

INTERVIEW 20.02 POST: Well J, Hows things? JAY RED: A BOY DA KID!! Things are

are brilliant for me at the moment man getting lots of gigs and dodgy birds, plus I got broadband today so I’m preparing for the wank olympics, wish me luck :)

POST: Tell us about what you got going on at the moment? JAY RED: I’m juggling a few music

projects at the moment but the main priority is writing the very first MC MIMIC EP, I’m also writing a script for a video for one of the tracks. We’re playing lots of gigs here in limerick and we’re up in the sugar club in Dublin this friday 22nd feb with captain Moonlight and the brilliant Infomatics. Im off to New York next week to enter a few underground freestyle battles and tour the the birth places of hiphop so really looking forward to that..

POST: We heard your Hip Hop show that

kicked off the Unfringed festival caused a bit of a stir, care to comment?

JAY RED: I will let MC Mimmic answer

that, ‘Wat u on about u gowl, I caused nothing to no one. Not my fault people didn’t like the sound of a mother riding a donkeys bollocks after she had a fight with her husband for beating their daughter with a unicorn shaped dildo. Whats wrong with that like? nothing!!’

POST: Are there many other talented

rappers in Limerick? How do you compare the scene to that of Cork, Galway, etc?

JAY RED: There are lots of rappers coming about nowadays from everywhere man, but some of them haven’t got the slightest idea about hip hop at all. I didnt myself at the start but i’ve learned, there is too much t.v shit projected commercial crap into their heads, i believe freestyling is the birth of an MC, off the top thats what true MCs are. I have no problem saying that i am a true MC.. and i would battle anyone on the planet and have the capability 2 slaughter anyone when im on form!! Other citys bring different styles so i cant really compare them. I have to say there are some outstanding Irish MCS out there, Johnny doobz, Chance, Scary Eire, Infomatics, Boney, Captain moonlight, Seb C, all exceptional at what they do and I look to all of them as inspiration for me.

POST: Any memorable gigs - favourite

venues?

JAY RED: I’ve had a few class memories but I remember this one time we were playing down Dolans warehouse at Mark O Connors rock gig and we walked out on stage and out in the crowd stood a gang of metallers and rockers just staring up at us. I said to myself ‘Ok this should be a tough crowd’, after the beat kicked in practically all of them roared up ‘A BOY DA KID’ and showed us support 100% through the whole set. That was a class gig. POST: Do you think Irish Hip Hop can stand up to other international counterparts? JAY RED:

Well we do stand out like leprechuans wanking on a set of turntables, but i believe music doesn’t have barriers. If the music is good enough it will shine through no matter where your from.

POST: You’re known for your Humorous freestyles, dance moves and general malarky. Is having a laugh the most important thing to you or do you take things more seriously than you let on?

JAY RED: Yeah man, I do take things alot

more serious! But not with breakdancing, Check out my new b-boy name its b-boy ball-x haha. I dont take freestyle battles to serious either, but as an MC I honestly can say I really really do take what I do on a mic alot more serious than people might think,not right now, but I’ll let my future lyrics do the talking.. but as a b-boy and a freestyler having a laugh comes naturally with it, haha.

POST: What are your main musical influences? JAY RED: AIM are my biggest, Wu Tang Clan,Slim Shady, Dj Premiere, Gangstarr, Supernatural Juice, Thesaurus, Will Smith, Scary Eire, Jurassic 5, Kurtis Blow, Niko, Boards of Canada, J-live and all the Irish MCs, the list is endless. POST: Are you a fan of the Rubber bandits?

JAY RED: ha ha legends! POST: Any last words? JAY RED: Happy Paddy’s Day from New York peace out ya bollix.


Jean Claude Van Ran Damme MONTH

Womans Post

OF THE

STENCIL

Out Now In all good newsagents

Although we at The Whipping Post’ prefer photos of stencils on walls we were prepared to make an exception this month. Matthew Riley in this Supa Fly stencil ‘Bug’ and wins our stencil of the month.

This weeks stencil of the month goes to Rick Walsh for his portrait of Alfred Hitchcock, theres a free Whipping Post T shirt on the way to ya. Please send your stencils to whipeditor@gmail.com.

For consideration for Stencil of the Month please send submissions to whipeditor@gmail.com

DOWN THE PUB WITH PADDY ROCHE IRELANDS LEAST INFORMED DRINKING CONSULTANT.........

........You know all that organic shite, like. I’m telling you, boy, it’s a load of bollocks, like. Cost me a shit load to buy a rake of organic mince. I ate it there and it didn’t do nothing for me, nothing boy. I’d say if anything it’s worse for you otherwise why aren’t we all eating it?. I’d say it’s those fucking hippies stirring up shite, sur they’ve no jobs, they’ve nothing better to be doing. I’m not paying some fecker over the odds cause he shits on his carrot patch.............

..........Art. Whaddaya reckon boy. I’ll fucking tell you what I reckon. it’s all shite so it is. I was trying to watch Euro Trash on channel 4 there, and there was some langer walking around in a bear suit. honest to god boy, it was that turner prize. Anyway he got paid 50 grand for acting the maggot in a costume. On my mothers grave, 50 grand. My mate Fitzer does that down in Funderland, he only gets €8.50 an hour....... Cash in hand though. Art? They don’t know their arts from their elbow.............

...............I got a savage painting of Christiano Ronaldo from yer man down by Tesco’s, in his kit and everything. Only €20. Now that’s proper, boy. Modern art, don’t talk to me.............

............Ya know all this tribunal stuff.........fair fucks to ya man..... whats his name?...................


CLASSIFIEDS

CROSS WORD GRRR!

SUBMISSIONS TO WHIPEDITOR@GMAIL.COM Untalented comedians needed for primetime spots on RTE. Sense of humor a bonus but not essential. Mr. Artie E: 087 7463455 Off-licenced closed? Hanging for a drink? Call ‘Dial-a-Can’ THE 24-hour alcohol delivery service. Mallow Man; 086 1551722 Tantric Tai Chi sexpert will love you long time. Master lang R. 085 7812277 Hit man needed to ‘whack’ Ray Foley from Today FM, large fees guaranteed and the possibility of an afternoon radio spot. Bones: 086 3117161 Interns needed for positions within The Whipping Post. Fancy joining Irelands most dynamic team of intellectual hunks? Who wouldn’t? Johnson: 086 7327628

ACROSS:

DOWN:

1. Serial invasion state (6) 5. The other treaty city (6) 10. Devout wishes (7) 11. Flotsam (7) 12. IX letter of the greek alphabet (4) 13. Large fish eating native bird (5) 15. Prima donna (4) 17. Big ... Atkinson (3) 19. Sound mental state (6) 21. Sofa (6) 22. Geneologists (7) 23. Bolshevik activists (6) 25. Seminal Goddess (6) 28. Swelling on eyelid (3) 30. Orient (4) 31. Strata (5) 32. Chinese porcelin (4) 35. He was bludgeoned to death with an ice pick (7) 36. Christopher Nolan film (7) 37. Hewn or cut stone (6) 38. Everybody should have at least one

2. Austere greek (7) 3. Zenith (4) 4. Red Dwarf’s only human (6) 5. Instruction (6) 6. The only edible rock (4) 7. He anoints thine self (7) 8. Prisms, lenses, mirrors etc. (6) 9. Scold (6) 14. System of hereditary rule (7) 16. Alternative (5) 18. Unkempt (5) 20. 70’s Prog rock band (3) 21. Political offshoot of the British Labour Party (3) 23. Bring into existence (6) 24. Draconian rulers (7) 26. Stencil in customers (7) 27. Yule tide drinks (3.4) 28. Protagonist in Samual S.Clemens novel Tom...(6) 29. The Queens bodyguard (6) 33. Gaelic donkey (4) 34. Leader of prayers in mosque (4)

ISSUE 4 SOLUTIONS ACROSS: 1. Caveat 4. auto da fe 9. Monday 10. Octavian 12. enema 13. inertia 15. sag 16. cut it 17. orgasm 22. sermons 24. usual 27. sir 28. iggy pop 31. rupee 32. tincture 33. spirit 34. isotopes 35. stasis

ZE DOLE QUEUE

Fat man seeks nice girl for sex and maybe more?

DOWN: 1. commercialist 2. vendettas 3. alabaster 5. uncle 6. ova 7. animal 8.eunach 11. gigolorna 18. gusset 19. slurry pit 20. support 21. olmert 23. 14.mao 26. gonzo 29. petro 30. purge

DOCTOR JENNINGS

MEDICAL QUERIES ANSWERED

THE OPINION POLE I reckon dogs make better pets than cats

Smith: 086 1562089 Large collection of empty vintage Buckfast bottles available for FREE. Call down to me anytime. Student bum

0877637892

Wolfman available for kids parties. Booze must be supplied. Cash in hand ONLY. 0044 077 87654321 Big monster S.U.V’s needed to drive around like they own the place, high emissions and a lack of penis essential.

ISSUE 4 SOLUTIONS

Jimmy JOE 02130040 Untalented writers needed for monthly rag. paychecks unfeasible, long hours guaranteed. Lack of direction in life a plus. F.Kapowsky 0876444046

R GERE: Since an unfortunate accident last night, I have had a hamster lodged in my rectum. He just plain won’t come out. What can I do?

THE WISE CRACK

DR. JENNINGS: Well Richard, I would advise leaving a few small pieces of fruit near the opening and holding very still. When he’s hungry he’ll come out. In future I’d advise using a mouse for your ‘accidents’ as they have a tail which makes it easier to remove.

‘You never know the size of your own doorstep until you’ve shat on it’

THE HORROR SCOPE YOUR MONTHLY PATH TO DEATH FORETOLD BY MYSTIC MULHOON You’re Neptunian cycle completes itself this month so Chinese food is a definite no no. Unless of course you want to finish off your last days in writhing poisoned agony. Your echoing shrieks being a lesson for fast food abusers across the nation.

They say that a women without a man is like a fish without a bicycle, but peoples differences of opinion are always apparent. This however will not comfort you as you are eaten by pirana fish on a cycling holiday in Africa with your new hubby.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Abscesses make the heart grow swollen. Unfortunately for you the latter will apply to you when you contract a rare strain of the ebola virus on the 17th of this month. The former will apply to your grieving loved ones. well at least they’ll be fonder of you.

Good things come to those who wait, this won’t be entirely true for you next Monday as you wait for your bus home for work. Unless of course you consider a gang of axe wielding cannibals to be a good thing.

Apparently hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and your recent experiences with your ex-girlfriend will back this up. However at the end of this month you’ll see that the demon lord Karadeth devourer of 1’000’000 souls is a close second.

They laughed at you when you said you’d be world famous. They’ll be laughing through the other side of there faces when you’re on the front page of newspapers worldwide as the first person to die from suffocating in your own anus.

Spontaneous acts of kindness will do all around you good this week,Roll with the good times and keep your friends close to you. That is until the 13th when you will spontaneously combust, making the headlines and the history books.

If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. This also goes for industrial furnaces. All that duct tape the person who’s been staking you on Myspace has wrapped you up in is going to make getting out of anything fairly tough.

It’s been proven that flying in planes is safer than traveling in cars. This statistic will be of scant consolation during the 4 minutes it takes you, still strapped to your seat, to plunge into the icy Atlantic ocean next Thursday.

March is a month of rebirth and growth. Your bank balance is going to grow quite considerably when you inherit a significant sum from a long lost relative. The stars also predict an upturn in your love life, so look out for admiring glances.

Money is prized by all, but some claim there are more important things in life. The violent loan sharks you have been avoiding for the last 6 months unfortunately will refuse to take your wonderful rendition of Mozart’s ‘The Magic Flute’ as part payment and take your head instead.

«Music has charm to soothe the savage beast.» so said William Congreve in 1697. You can ask him in the afterlife why it was your ipod did fuck all against the pack of rabid wolves you’re going to meet on Sunday at about midday.

MYSTIC MULHOON © Many other mystics sugar coat their predictions with bogus claims of dark handsome strangers and new relationships. Only I, Mystic Michael Mulhoon, tell the real horrific truth. I use a wide variety of techniques to make my divination this month. This month I have mostly been divining the future from shitting in my own urine.

Text your Starsign to 0858484757


Editorial

The Whipping Post

T unwittingly perved upon despite only 1 in 10 women being up to traditional perving standards. «The problem is so out of control that even scangers with a half decent bust are being followed by groups of men holding this accursed ‘Whipping Post’ in front of there faces. What baffles me is how they see through the damn thing. Some women have come to us and said that they’re not even sure they’ve been perved, but as far as I’m concerned it’s beyond a doubt; some ingenious device is giving these pervs free reign.» We at the Whipping post would like to make it clear that there never has nor will there ever be any sort of perversion mechanism held within this paper. The Whipping Post would also like to distance itself from any act of perversion performed anywhere.

Big Jim.

As a bouncer, I find your constant portrayal of my profession insulting. Why do you constantly portray us as stupid, aggressive, unreasonable, meat heads. It simply isn’t true. Why only last week I watched a VERY interesting documentary. Does that sound like a stupid meat head to you?

Dear Editor,

Ben

look you morons, I thought I told you last month. If I’m going to have to read your rubbish you could at least proof read it. Here’s a little grammar lesson for you. ‘There’ refers to a place or position. ‘Their’ means belonging to a place or thing. AND ‘They’re’ is short for ‘they are’. Get it right you monkeys.

Dear Editor,

whipeditor@gmail.com

Letters

here have been a spate of ‘peeping tom’ style incidents involving hundreds of perverts across the city. Some reactionaries have been attempting to blame ‘The Whipping Post’ for these disgusting acts. They claim that by using this newspaper the degenerate can sneak up on an unsuspecting victim and leer mercilessly at exposed cleavage or ill-covered buttocks. Often, it’s claimed, the victim remains oblivious to the vile acts of perversion that are being inflicted upon them due to some sort of hidden perving device contained within the paper itself. We contacted a victim’s support group in order to get to the bottom of these allegations. Frau Helga of ‘Woman Against The Whipping Post’ claimed that 1 in 4 women in the city had been

Dear Editor, Although your monthly rag is looking slightly better, you donkeys still couldn’t get the front cover right; It’s way off centre. Are we supposed to believe that this somehow reflects your left of centre liberal leanings or wha? fix up, look smart donkeys. J.D. Yo Yo Ed, How you get off being all up in my face like that. How are you going to get your crazy asses up out of this situation we got going on. I can’t believe you mother fuckers are stepping to me up like that. I spat this up at you.... I picked up The Whipping Post, I opened up The Whipping Post I read The Whipping Post, I took out my baretta, Now I’m coming for the editor, Later fools. R. Kelly

John Foley

DESIGN Steve Johnson

DISTRIBUTION

EDITOR Trent Goldstein

Staff

Issue 5

EDITOR Frank Kapowski

ADVERTS Hildegaard Kloot

Credits WORDS

Images

J.Elliot, Eireann Brockevich, Liam kerr, Furgus Corrigan, Barrytron, Kaposky, Goldstein, Mary Mearse, Fiacs, R.Anderson, Colm Ahern, R.jacobs, Sam. Mboy, Dodgy Dave, Matthew Riley, Cover By: Kieran Herlihy

Sound Max, Colm, G.Elliot, Emma W,Ryan, Gravey , Faheymeister, Arnie, Al, Mugsie, The Kid, Sam (The Ferret), Joya (The Circus), The Magnificent Folding Mugsie

Contact

The Whipping Post Whipping Media House, 100 Patrick St. Cork, Ireland. www.myspace.com/postwhip whipeditor@gmail.com Advertising tel.:+3538867327628 whipads@gmail.com


The Whipping Post Issue 5